When people dump their emotions on you || Acharya Prashant, Vedanta Mahotsav (2022)

Acharya Prashant

Video Information: 29.05.2022, Vedanta Mahotsav, Greater Noida  Context: ~ Attachment is not a problem. The problem is being attached to something totally unworthy. ~ How to assess worth? ~ What is the problem with belief? ~ If you are attached to someone, check out the facts of their importance. ~ How to not be someone's emotional dumpyard?  Music Credits: Milind Date  ~~~~~  #acharyaprashant

Transcript

00:00When I am having conversations with my friends and family members, especially in the situations

00:11when they are complaining about something, about a situation which has happened to them,

00:18I try to help them, try to make them understand, see the issue clearly from my understanding

00:32of the concern.

00:35But they don't accept it at that time and they even say that I am not asking for any

00:41solutions.

00:42We just want to be listened, we are not looking for any solutions, which I feel is not acceptable

00:52to me.

00:53I feel it is kind of wrong thing to do.

00:58I feel it is like, it is not a good habit to dump your emotions onto a person.

01:11And people feel more comfort with a shoulder to cry on than a helping hand, which is actually

01:25trying to help.

01:26So I just want to understand the psychology behind this and how should I approach such

01:31situations, especially with our close ones.

01:36The question is that happens with friends and family members, that they come and they

01:46went out, their emotional garbage right in your face and when you listen to that and

02:05want to offer a solution, they say it is not a solution that we seek, we just seek

02:12to be heard.

02:16Listen to us and that's all that we want, don't offer us advice, have I got it right?

02:23He is saying he does not like this thing, he does not like to become a dump yard of

02:32superfluous emotions.

02:36See what is happening here, the one who is coming to share his or her emotions happens

02:45more with women.

02:47This is more of a characteristic with women, happens with men as well however.

02:55The person who is displaying such behavior does not actually want to change.

03:10What to do then?

03:12Listen to that person, if your listening opens up his or her listening, if and only if.

03:24You have come to me, you want a shoulder to cry on, fine I'll offer mine, take the

03:29shoulder, cry as much as you want to but now that I have listened to you, I want you to

03:36listen to me.

03:38If such reciprocity can be there, then it's alright to listen to such a person because

03:45that will afford you the opportunity to speak.

03:49However, if such a person wants to have a one-way thing, I'll come, I'll dump and I'll

03:59walk away.

04:01Then you are being used as a waste basket, no point, no point and by turning yourself

04:12into that kind of waste bin, you are doing no good to that person either.

04:19You are only reinforcing the sense of victimization that the person is carrying mostly erroneously.

04:32That fellow says, you know, I'm a victim and I have been treated unfairly by this,

04:42by that and so I've come over to you and I'm sharing what I have to.

04:50Now, when you listen to such a thing, you are actually becoming a passive participant

05:02in all the mischief that this person is knowingly or unknowingly playing.

05:08What is the mischief?

05:11The mischief is to paint oneself as a victim and the entire world as the culprit.

05:21I am someone who is always hard done by.

05:27I am the good one, I am the great one and all those around me are exploitative, cruel

05:37in this way and that way and you, since you are my friend or my relative or my lover,

05:48so you'll have to listen to me, you'll have to partake in my nonsense.

05:54You don't have to say anything because I know if you say something, then my mischief might

06:01be exposed, so I don't want you to say anything.

06:06I want you to only absorb all the rubbish I am throwing at you.

06:11Now, you're not merely being a silent absorber here.

06:18I'm saying you are becoming a passive participant in this harmful process.

06:30So tell that person, if you are sharing these things with me, then allow me to have a say.

06:40I'm a well-wisher and you too know that, that's the reason you are sharing these things with

06:44me and if I'm a well-wisher, allow me to express myself and if you say you do not want a solution,

06:56then why do you want to make your problem my problem?

07:02Either say you have no problem and if you don't have a problem, then you must not cry this much.

07:11Either say that you don't have a problem and if you don't have a problem, I'll ask you

07:14if you don't have a problem, why are you sulking and weeping?

07:20And if you say there is a problem, then let's come to a solution.

07:25This kind of a state, where you say that a problem exists and yet a solution is not

07:32needed is simply hilariously nonsensical.

07:44A problem exists but I don't need a solution.

07:47That merely means that you have a stake in letting the problem stay alive.

07:52Don't you see that?

07:56If you say yes, indeed there is a problem but a solution is not needed, then it means

08:01that the continuation of the problem is vital to some of your interests.

08:10If you deliberately want the problem to remain, then you are a big mischief maker, are you not?

08:20You have a stake in the problem.

08:24Not only do you have a stake in the problem, you actually want your problem to extend to me.

08:35You want me to become a participant in this network of problem.

08:41You're sucking me in and you're not allowing me to exercise my right to offer or create a solution.

08:53You're saying you tie your hands and be led by me into this labyrinth of problems.

09:06Don't allow yourself to be exploited this way.

09:11Speaking to a suffering person is an act of compassion, definitely.

09:24But only if the sufferer is first of all desirous of freedom from suffering, then you should

09:33in fact go out of your way to offer your time, your ears, your energy to the sufferer.

09:41You say please come, speak and let's see what we can do about it.

09:46But if the sufferer is actually playing games, the sufferer is actually playing, waging rather

09:59a psychological battle, then there is no point playing on with him or her.

10:19This is a very common tendency.

10:20So many of us have this, let's please avoid.

10:26If you have a problem that you can solve all by yourself, then don't disturb others.

10:34If you are in a situation, you don't even want to call as a problem, again don't disturb others.

10:42And if you do go to others to share your problem, then give others the right to offer a solution.

10:52Otherwise, why have you wasted their time?

10:55Why have you spoiled their mood?

10:57Why have you made your problem their problem?

11:03The preferable thing is that as an adult, your first priority should be to tackle your

11:10problems all by yourself.

11:14Don't be a crybaby.

11:16Don't rush to others for every small thing.

11:20Solve them by yourself and if you find that you cannot and all of us do come to that state

11:30at some point or the other where we all need help and there is no shame in that.

11:36But when you do go to others to seek help, then please do humbly accept the help.

11:45Don't impose your conditions on the helper.

11:50Don't say you'll have to help me as per the constraints I impose upon the help.

12:01No.

12:03If you know so much, then you should help yourself on your own.

12:16When you go to share your situation or seek help, then have the humility to listen and accept.

12:33Do you see, this is the reason why scriptures and teachers fail on most people.

12:41Even if we go to the scriptures, we say, I will accept you conditionally.

12:49You are telling something to me, I'll take it.

12:56But only as much as I think is suitable to my ego and only when I think I need it.

13:10Also in the form that I deem suitable.

13:15Now, if these are the tight constraints you put on the helper, then you will never be helped.

13:27Allow the helper to help you, but before that, try your best to be helped on your own.

13:43Yes.

13:44Acharyaji, what if that person also wants to get the help, but he or she thinks that

14:05But they are not ready to accept it.

14:12Even they know that they are in trouble.

14:15See, that's a situation of entire mankind.

14:18We all know that we need help.

14:21But help does not come for free.

14:25Help does not come in a way convenient to us.

14:33Help would always require that the helped one make a lot of concessions, change himself,

14:47adjust himself to become receptive to help.

14:53And that's why even though we need help, we don't actually accept it, even when it is there to be taken.

15:03Accepting help is a tough ask.

15:12You are overweight.

15:14You want help.

15:16You go to a coach.

15:19Now the coach won't run the treadmill for you, or would he?

15:24The coach is now helping you by bringing you to the treadmill.

15:31Setting you the targets, the speed, the inclination and other things.

15:38He's offering his help, but to take this help, you'll have to pass through some pain.

15:45We don't want to pass through the pain of accepting help.

15:54Then we'll turn to the coach and say, can there be a more painless way, please?

16:02Now, there cannot be a painless way.

16:06That's the problem.

16:13What makes it worse is, the more overweight you are, the more difficult it is to lose weight.

16:22Which means the more you need help, the more difficult it becomes for you to accept help.

16:30Now see, the more you need help, the more difficult it becomes for you to accept help.

16:40Because accepting help would mean accepting pain.

16:46Who wants to accept pain?

16:53And there are a lot of shopkeepers who know that.

16:57So they'll say, come to us.

17:00We are offering you painless help.

17:04And we have such shops galore.

17:08Come to us, you'll be helped that too without any pain.

17:13So we rush to them and we happily get cheated.

17:19But we are relieved that we didn't have to pass through pain at least.

17:24Fine, I got cheated once again.

17:27But I managed to avoid pain.

17:30See how smart I am.

17:34The mark of the spiritual mind is the willingness to take pain.

17:40Bring it on. Bring it on. Yes, I'm ready.

17:45Have something here.

17:49If you are someone who just cannot go against himself,

17:59there is no hope, no possibility.

18:07All progress is only for those who can stand firm in the face of great inner resistance.

18:23All your instincts, all your self-preservation tendencies will cry out to avoid pain.

18:40And you'll have to firmly put your foot down and say no.

18:49My pain is my choice.

18:58I'm not buckling down, not tipping over.

19:05I'm not surrendering to my dark inner self.

19:21Once you learn to willingly take pain, there is a dignity on your face.

19:36Do something that involves conquering yourself and then see how your eyes look.

19:54We were talking of the treadmill.

19:57Let's say 15 minutes at a certain speed is difficult for you.

20:02Now run those 15 minutes.

20:05And the last 5 minutes are like hell.

20:10Every passing second you are feeling like pushing the stop button.

20:17But you continue to run.

20:20And when you step down, watch your face.

20:25That's what is called dignity.

20:30The dignity of consciousness against the dictates of our animalistic self.

20:43You have conquered something very important right now.

20:49And your face will be a testimony.

20:53You love your face.

20:56And that's what I call as beauty.

20:58That's the moment when one is actually beautiful.

21:02That's the moment of your glory.

21:06Not when you are all cool, composed, relaxed and have put a lot of makeup on.

21:15That made-up self is not beautiful.

21:21You are the most beautiful when there are scars on your face.

21:30When there are battle marks on your face.

21:33When your blood and sweat stand as proofs that you are a winner indeed.

21:48That's when you look so beautiful.

22:04All the makeup has been washed away by one's own sweat.

22:13Preferably blood.

22:19How about a DP like that?

22:24Will help you to lose a lot of garbage in your friend list.

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