How to Escape Abusive Parents _ Nouman Ali Khan

FilmMieux

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00:00In relation to one of your recent posts dedicated to your parents, I love that post.

00:04You mentioned something along the lines of treating your parents with ihsan as the bare minimum.

00:09What do we do if caring for a palliative parent feels like it's never good enough,

00:14despite the reality we'll never be able to repay them?

00:17Really, really important question.

00:18Even if I don't get to answer any other question, I think this is valuable enough to kind of dig into.

00:25A lot of people come up to me with questions about their parents.

00:28And I didn't put this in my post. I put in my post what I appreciate about my parents,

00:32what I love about them, and how blessed I am to have them.

00:35But there are lots of people, guys, that come up to me and they tell me about terrible experiences with their parents.

00:42I mean, I have been witness to parents that have been, at minimum, psychologically abusive, verbally abusive.

00:51I've heard about parents that are physically abusive, sexually abusive.

00:55I've seen all kinds of things, and it's hard to even hear sometimes that parents can do that.

01:01And first, you know, if I was to... I mean, I'm afraid to write something like that

01:05that would put a sour taste in everybody's mouth as they read it.

01:09But I do want to say, for parents like that, that are abusive, you know, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

01:15Allah gave you an honor greater than so many other creations on this earth.

01:20And He only gave you that honor because you take care of your children, you raise them.

01:24Quran says,

01:26They ensured my growth.

01:28So your part was, as a parent, you ensured that they grow well, that they're taken care of,

01:32that their needs are provided for, that they're protected, that they're safe.

01:35When you took that safety away from them, when you took their dignity away from them,

01:39when you humiliated them, when you abused them, when you hit them,

01:42when you did these things to them that put them down, that made them feel worthless,

01:47then you have taken this huge honor that Allah gave you, and you have abused it, and you've mutilated it.

01:53That's a crime, that's a grand, grand crime.

01:55I'm not even talking to the kids, I'm talking to those parents.

01:58That's something you, I don't know how you'll answer Allah.

02:01And then on top of doing all of those crimes, you have the audacity to turn to those kids that you've abused,

02:07and then say, you better be good to me because Allah says,

02:09وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًۭا

02:11That is not how that works.

02:13That is not how that works.

02:15We have to be, and I'll dig into that ayah because that expression is really important.

02:19Ihsan means to do your very, very best.

02:22Please listen to this carefully.

02:23This is an important concept that is not very commonly talked about.

02:27If you have, for example, somebody came to me today and said they have divorced parents.

02:32So mom and dad live in two different houses, she's the only daughter.

02:35And when I'm spending time with mom, I feel bad because I feel like I'm abandoning dad.

02:39When I'm with dad, I feel bad that I'm not with mom.

02:42Mom makes me feel guilty when I'm with dad.

02:44Dad makes me feel guilty when I'm with mom.

02:46And I'm torn on both sides, and you're supposed to be the best to your parents.

02:49How am I supposed to achieve this balance?

02:51Take a step back and understand something.

02:53The word Ihsan means the very best that you can do.

02:57The very best that you can do.

03:00In that situation, when you identify dad, these are the times that I'm going to spend with you.

03:05And that's the best I can do.

03:07Mom, here's the time that I can give you because I have work, I have school, I have these other responsibilities.

03:12Here's what I can give you.

03:13This is the best that I can do.

03:15Even after that, when they're giving you guilt trips and making you feel like you're worthless and all that.

03:20If you can turn to Allah and say, this is the best that I can do.

03:23Ya Allah, and you know.

03:24You know that that's the best that I can do.

03:26Then that's fine.

03:28In one case, when a parent is extremely abusive.

03:33And just being in their company is harming you.

03:35It's literally harming you.

03:37Physically, emotionally, in some other way, it's harming you.

03:40Then being away from them and keeping a safe distance from them is the best that you can do.

03:45There's nothing better that you can do.

03:47So ihsan is actually relative to each situation.

03:50Allah did not put one standard on all of us for what we can do for our parents.

03:55Sometimes people don't understand that in every relationship, even in the parental relationship, there are boundaries.

04:03There are some things that if you don't draw a line, people will keep taking more and more from you.

04:09For example, if you have friends that make fun of you and you never say anything.

04:14Then they'll insult you more the next time, then more, then more, then more.

04:17You never drew a line.

04:18The same way with your parents.

04:20Sometimes they ask for your time.

04:22They say, hey, I need your help.

04:23Then you go and help.

04:24No, now I want you to do this.

04:25Now I want you to do this.

04:26Now I want you to do this.

04:27And you say, but dad, I have to get to work.

04:29Or mom, I have to get to school.

04:31Or I have an assignment to finish.

04:32Or I have this, or I have that.

04:33No, that's not important.

04:34What, are you not going to listen to your parents?

04:36وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ يَحْسَنَ

04:37You know, and then you shut up and you just do what they told you.

04:40Developing resentment towards them.

04:42Eventually you're going to burn out.

04:43You're going to disrespect them.

04:44You're going to stop talking to them.

04:46Crazy things are going to happen.

04:48How do you avoid all of that?

04:49Take a step back and say, mom, I want to help.

04:52This is the day that I can help you.

04:54This is how much time I can give you for help.

04:56And I cannot do anymore.

04:57And even if she complains and cries and says,

04:59you're the worst daughter ever, the worst son ever in the universe.

05:02It's okay.

05:03You drew a line.

05:05And once you stick with that line,

05:07then the next time that line will be respected.

05:09In the beginning, it will feel like torture.

05:11But then they will learn to respect that line that you respectfully drawn.

05:15You haven't drawn an abusive line.

05:16You have drawn a reasonable line.

05:19And that has to happen in every relationship.

05:21With your kids, with your parents, with your spouse, with your friends, with work.

05:24Any relationship, it's important to draw boundaries.

05:27And respectfully draw those boundaries.

05:29But by the way, once you draw a line and you say,

05:31hey, mom, I want to help.

05:33But I don't like when you say these, these, these things.

05:36They're very hurtful.

05:37Don't say them.

05:38If you say them, then I'm going to leave.

05:40But then she says them and you don't leave.

05:42You know what you've done?

05:44You better not cross this line or else.

05:47Then they cross that line.

05:48Then you draw a new line and say,

05:49hey, okay, okay, this new line.

05:51You better not cross this one or else.

05:53And then they cross that one.

05:55You know what you're teaching them?

05:56There is no line.

05:58There is no boundary.

05:59This is a really serious problem many of us have in all of our relationships.

06:03That we don't know how to draw a line.

06:05And that has to happen even with our parents.

06:07Respectfully.

06:08With the best possible intention.

06:10With the most loving, caring words.

06:12With the most consideration.

06:13But this has to happen.

06:15Otherwise, you'll just end up in miserable relationships.

06:17Not just with your parents.

06:18In every relationship, you're going to be miserable.

06:20May Allah protect you from that kind of misery.

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