- 20/10/2024
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00:00🎵
00:28LAUGHTER
00:38You asleep?
00:40Girl?
00:41No.
00:43You awake, then?
00:44Yes.
00:46So am I.
00:47You're not asleep, then?
00:49Oh, no.
00:51You worrying about something?
00:53No.
00:54No, neither am I.
00:57What are you worrying about, then?
00:59The kids.
01:00So am I.
01:02It's Lorraine.
01:03She's taken a big shine to Raymond's brother, George.
01:06Yes, and Raymond's treating Elsie the traffic warden as if she was Bo Derek.
01:10She looks more like Bo Peep.
01:12Yes.
01:13Raymond the lost sheep.
01:15What do you think of brother George?
01:17Well, Lorraine seems knocked out by him.
01:19I don't know about knocked out, Beryl. In ten minutes, they'll all be locked out.
01:22It's one o'clock in the morning and they're still not back from lunch.
01:24Well, they're not children, Arthur. Stop worrying about it.
01:26Well, it was you who woke me up worrying about it.
01:28I did not.
01:29Why aren't you asleep, then?
01:30Well, I would be, but for...
01:31Insomnia?
01:32No, you.
01:33Oh, this isn't getting us anywhere.
01:35I don't want to be got anywhere, Beryl.
01:37Just out from under all our kids and their goings-on and their hangers-on and the general attitude that anything's on.
01:41Shush, you'll wake Eva.
01:42Yeah, it's pronounced Eva, actually. It's Polish.
01:44Yeah, if we didn't have enough people under this roof, we'd have given sanctuary to Narnia's aunt.
01:48Well, do you agree she could stay here?
01:50Yeah.
01:51Well, she did volunteer to do all the housework and cooking, I suppose.
01:54That'll take the strain off you, won't it? Now, you've got a part-time job.
01:57Are you sure that's why you agreed?
01:59What else?
02:00She is very attractive.
02:02Is she? I haven't really noticed.
02:03Oh, no.
02:05You did seem to be rather fawning over her, Arthur.
02:08That is not true, Beryl. I was merely being polite to the staff.
02:12It was a normal male reaction, Beryl, to female pleasantness.
02:16Quite natural. Certainly not physical.
02:18Well, I'm sorry.
02:20Well, don't go on about it, Beryl. At least I'll get some decent food for a change.
02:23Now, don't start complaining about frozen foods, Arthur.
02:26Fish is very good for you, frozen or not.
02:29I know, Beryl. I'm an expert. I feel I've known Captain Birdseye since he was unable to see me.
02:34Oh, this is pointless. I'm going back to sleep. Good night.
02:37Good night, Beryl.
02:41And don't worry.
02:42No.
02:43I'm not.
02:44No.
02:46We won't say anything more about it, then.
02:48No.
02:49Good night, Beryl.
02:50Good night, Arthur.
02:55Come to think of it, you were taking rather a shine to Raymond's brother, George, weren't you?
02:59Oh, nonsense.
03:00Yeah, you fell like a stone for all that flattery.
03:02Charming, too young to be a mother, wonderful bone structure.
03:06Oh, don't be ridiculous.
03:08Anyway, that wasn't flattery. It was fucked.
03:12You were fluttering your eyelashes at him, Beryl. You never do that to me.
03:15Well, not unless you've got something in your eye.
03:17It was a normal female reaction.
03:19Oh, yeah.
03:20And if you intend to go on about it, Arthur, there's only one thing I can honestly and truly say.
03:26What's that, Beryl?
03:28Good night.
03:30Good night, Beryl.
03:38Oh, good, they're back.
03:41Arthur? Arthur, they're back.
03:44Ignore them, Beryl. I'm not going to let that lot keep me awake.
03:48Oh, go on, George, you were saying. Go on, what happened then? Go on.
03:51Oh, yes, do go on, George. It was fascinating.
03:53Well, all right, Lorraine, if you want me to. Now, where was I?
03:56You were just coming round Cape Horn.
03:58Yes, round Cape Horn, through the Indian Ocean. First stop, South America.
04:02The sea was very rough, 40 foot high waves.
04:04Were you seasick?
04:06Me? Seasick?
04:08My dear one is a very experienced sailor, both above and below decks, and sometimes in between.
04:14Well, what about when I was very little and you took me out on that green canoe?
04:17I had to row it back because you were in the same colour as the canoe.
04:21The sea was that bad?
04:23It was on the kids' paddling lake at Butlins. Sorry, George.
04:26Anyway, about that time, I struck up a pretty warm relationship with the captain's daughter.
04:31Well, quite a hot one, as a matter of fact.
04:33Well, it was the tropics.
04:35Oh, sorry, George.
04:37Yes, when I struck up this relationship...
04:39Very good, Raymond. Very funny.
04:42No, it's funny.
04:43He got seasick at Butlins.
04:45Yes.
04:47Raymond, do go on, George. Take notice of them.
04:50Yes, well, on the third day, in the scorching heat and the heavy swell,
04:55suddenly there appeared, out of nowhere, coming slowly down,
04:58and down from above came this bird of doom, this awful apparition.
05:04All right, what's going on?
05:05It's all right, Dad. We just came back for some coffee. Go back to bed.
05:08It's the noise, you see, Lorraine.
05:10Good evening.
05:11You woke your mother up. She asked me to come down here and tell you to keep a bit quieter, that's all.
05:14It's my fault entirely, sir. I do apologise, especially after all your generosity.
05:18Beg your pardon?
05:19Well, sir, it seems to me, although I've been here no time at all,
05:23that I can see how damned lucky young Raymond is.
05:26Yes.
05:27Not only to have won the hand of your utterly charming daughter,
05:30wonderful bone structure,
05:33but also to have married into such a marvellous family.
05:36I've seen more generosity and I've known more kindness in this household
05:41than anywhere in the world, and I've been around, sir.
05:44Well, thank you, George, but I...
05:45No, sir, I do think, if you don't mind me saying, sir,
05:48it all seems to stem from above.
05:51From you, sir.
05:53And I'd just like to say, I'm proud to know you, sir.
05:57Oh, thank you, George. It's very nice to meet someone so observant and understanding.
06:01And I've been everywhere. I've met all sorts.
06:04Here. I did. Here. Here. Do carry on, yes. Don't let me interrupt you.
06:08You were just coming round Cape Horn, I believe. Nice chap.
06:11It's season, and it's only until my funds are transferred from Auckland.
06:15Should be here any day now, sir.
06:17£50 in your debt. Thank you very much indeed, sir.
06:20George has all the credit cards, but they were lost.
06:22Overboard.
06:23During a storm. In my wallet.
06:25Funny place to have a storm.
06:28You're terribly amusing, Lorraine, isn't she?
06:31Charming. Wonderful teeth.
06:34Dad, I wanted to show George round the town, the old part.
06:37He's very fond of antiques.
06:39Told you he's very fond of you, Dad.
06:42Morning, Georgie. You're looking great.
06:44Raymond, I've got the day off, and I wanted to show George round the town.
06:47You don't mind?
06:48Not if George don't.
06:49I thought I'd take Lorraine out for a spot of lunch.
06:52I've never had a sister-in-law before.
06:54Not a right little beaut like this little cobber.
06:57Not a right crackin' little sheila like you, didgeridoo.
07:01I picked up the accent when I was in Australia.
07:03I thought we'd only been in New Zealand.
07:05We stopped in Sydney to refuel.
07:08I must be getting along now, sir, and thank you once again.
07:12Thanks, Dad.
07:21Isn't he terrific?
07:23Yeah, very decent chap. Highly intelligent.
07:26You lent him some money?
07:28Yeah, 50 quid till Friday.
07:30Thanks, Dad, but look, see, George has got a thing with money.
07:33What's that?
07:34He's never got any.
07:36You see, essentially, George has a sort of communist attitude to money.
07:39You know, fair shares for all.
07:41He likes other people to share their money with him.
07:43What does he share with them?
07:45Well, his... his good fortune.
07:47What good fortune?
07:48That he's had the good fortune to borrow some money.
07:52He seems a decent enough chap.
07:53You sure this isn't sour grapes, Raymond?
07:55I mean, he and Lorraine seem very friendly, don't they?
07:58I'm glad Lorraine's found a friend.
08:00She's been edgy with me lately.
08:02And having a friend who can take her out, take her mind off her marital shortcomings, well...
08:07Yeah, and George is a smashing bloke, really.
08:09I mean, he's got on all on his own.
08:11He's got courage.
08:12I mean, he's actually been abroad, you know.
08:14He's very brave.
08:17I remember when he asked for my mother back.
08:20He stood there, his lip trembling, his little running shoes ready in his hand.
08:26He stood there looking up at her good.
08:28He actually told her off.
08:29This was when he was a little boy, huh?
08:31No, it was yesterday.
08:34You see, he always brings out the best in the people.
08:36But mainly their generosity.
08:38Thank you, Raymond. I know what I'm doing.
08:40Good.
08:41Right, well, I'd better get out there and drip the traffic.
08:44I enjoy doing that. I like telling people where to go.
08:47Morning.
08:48Morning, Alice.
08:49Morning, Raymond. You ready to go?
08:51Yeah, I'm taking an extra book of tickets. I'm feeling on top form.
08:54Oh, good. Have you had your breakfast?
08:56No, I'm on a diet. I was trying to lose a few pounds.
08:58Lorraine said I was getting a bit thick.
09:00No, you're all right.
09:03Anyway, I made some sandwiches for our coffee break.
09:06All our favourite ones.
09:08Pilchard and marmalade and watercress.
09:11Well, as Raymond's on a diet, you'd better just stick to the watercress.
09:14No, no, can't, because they're all pilchard and marmalade and watercress.
09:17Oh, lovely.
09:19Well, come on, then, Elsie, let's get out there.
09:21Hey, I hope you haven't put a ticket on my car.
09:24I hope you haven't given it your very personal attention.
09:26No, that would cost me more than a ten quid fine, eh, Dad?
09:29Come on, Elsie. Beat, beat, get a move on.
09:48Cholerny świat.
09:54Co ten dreń mi teraz maestrowa?
09:57I'm sorry, I don't speak Polish.
10:00At least not this hour of the morning.
10:02It's almost nine o'clock.
10:04Weren't you supposed to come down early and make the breakfast?
10:06Hmm?
10:08Breakfast.
10:13No, I meant me.
10:15We agreed, didn't we?
10:17You cook. Yes?
10:19Me eat. Hmm?
10:22Yes?
10:25Yes, I know, but I had to get it myself, you see.
10:28I had to get it myself.
10:31Beryl! Beryl!
10:33I can't stop now, dear. I shall be late for work.
10:36I thought this was a part-time job, Beryl, a few afternoons a week.
10:39Yes, dear, but Mrs. Lawson's away ill, so I said I'd go in this morning.
10:42Oh, what is it, your breakfast?
10:44Well, Eva's here, but don't sit chatting to her all morning or you'll be late for work.
10:47Chatting to her? I can hardly see her, Beryl, for Polish cigarette smoke.
10:50She has just appeared in a dressing gown,
10:52looks as if she's been going round Cape Horn all night in a canoe.
10:55Oh, dear, well, tell her.
10:57I can't tell her, Beryl. It may have slipped your mind,
10:59but we don't speak Polish and she doesn't understand English.
11:02Why can't people from abroad speak English like the rest of us?
11:05I'll go and get you some breakfast.
11:07No, no, it's all right, Beryl. Don't worry, I'll manage.
11:09You'd better go to work, love. You'll be late.
11:11Oh, dear.
11:15She's going back to bed, Beryl.
11:17And there's something sticking out of her pocket.
11:22My sherry.
11:23She has taken my sherry bottle back to bed with her, Beryl.
11:26What for?
11:27How should I know? She's a foreigner.
11:30What are you doing?
11:31Looking up the Polish branch of Alcoholics Anonymous, Beryl.
11:35It's my dinner now.
11:38If you're up to it.
11:50What was this originally?
11:53Sardines in tomato sauce.
11:56Pardon?
12:07What?
12:16What?
12:26Sardines on toast, of course.
12:29Yes, well, after all that effort, you must be worn out.
12:31Don't you think you should go and lie down?
12:34Hmm?
12:35Lie down, yeah? In bed, you know, lie down.
12:40I am telling you to go to bed, yes?
12:47No, no, not us, no.
12:50We don't communicate. Now, I think you'll be better in bed.
12:57It's all right, Beryl. She went peculiar, Beryl.
13:01What happened?
13:02Well, first this happened, then I jokingly suggested she go to bed,
13:05and she made advances to me, Beryl.
13:08She must have been drinking.
13:10Thank you, Beryl.
13:12I was desperately trying to resist her, actually.
13:15Oh, well, at least she understands go to bed.
13:18Yes, perhaps we've got some troops stationed over there.
13:20Could you get me a decent meal, Beryl, please?
13:22Yes, yes, all right, Arthur. I'm sorry I'm late, but we were really busy.
13:26It's a pity that you didn't take Elsie on as a lodger instead.
13:29Tell her to get dressed.
13:33Arthur!
13:35Don't you think you'd better go and get dressed, yes?
13:41The bell, Arthur.
13:58Ah, Nadia, good evening. I'm very glad you called.
14:01Oh, thank you. How is my aunt?
14:04She... I don't think I know the Polish word for it, actually.
14:06She has been in bed all day and not alone.
14:09Oh, Nigel, he's here.
14:11No, I meant she's been with a bottle, you see. She's been drinking.
14:13Oh, yes. She telephoned me this morning.
14:16She has had some very bad news from Poland.
14:19Oh, I'm sorry. Bad news, yes.
14:21Well, that could explain it, yes. I should have been more sympathetic.
14:24She telephoned several times for long periods to Warsaw.
14:28Yeah, I'm sorry. Poor girl, dear.
14:31Yes, I understand, yes. I simply... Which phone was this?
14:35Well, that one.
14:37That one to Warsaw, yes.
14:39Oh, hello, Nadia.
14:41Apparently, Eva has had some very bad news, Vera.
14:43That's why she went and got... went to pieces.
14:45Oh. Oh, poor thing. What is it?
14:48Her fiancé, they have been engaged for five years and he's gone away.
14:53Nobody knows where he is.
14:55The way things are going, he's probably in our spare room.
14:57Oh, no. This is serious. He has vanished and...
15:00Oh, she's heart-breaking.
15:02Heart-breaking, Beryl.
15:06We're... we're all very sorry.
15:08Yes, sorry.
15:09It'll be all right.
15:11Erm... Bon. Bon.
15:13Bon, yes.
15:14Bene. Magnifico. Okey-dokey.
15:19Why don't we all speak Esperanto?
15:21No, it wouldn't work, Beryl. If we all spoke Esperanto,
15:23who would know the foreigners were?
15:25She is very scared.
15:27She will do anything to get out.
15:29Well, what can we do?
15:34May I use your telephone, please? It is only to my house.
15:37Oh, a local call. Yes, yes, you carry on, yes.
15:40Er, where is your house?
15:42Oh, it is very close to Warsaw.
15:45To Warsaw, yes. Carry on.
15:47Try to remember what the Polish for reverse the charges is, won't you?
15:51Okey-dokey.
15:53We could be in luck. That could be Warsaw calling here.
15:58Mr. Crowthree, it's for you.
16:03How much are the prices?
16:05It's from Tracy.
16:06But she's in Spain.
16:08Spain?
16:11Hello? Yes, I will.
16:14Hello, dear. How are you?
16:17Good, good. Yes, yes, we've accepted the charges.
16:23Yes, yes, go on.
16:26Hold on, dear, hold on.
16:28Everything's fine. There's just one small problem.
16:31What's that, Beryl?
16:32She's running out of money.
16:34You deal with it, Beryl.
16:36Arthur?
16:39Arthur!
16:45Are we still asleep and dreaming, Beryl?
16:47I heard her on the phone during the night.
16:49What?
16:50She must have had some good news.
16:52Good news? Your fiancée?
16:55Fiancée?
16:56Steady on, Beryl. She'll jump in here with us.
17:00Merci.
17:01Yeah, thank you. Bon.
17:04Oh, isn't it marvellous?
17:06She's in love, she's happy, she's had good news on the phone from Poland.
17:10Yes, well, while I sob over the phone bill, Beryl, you can play the Warsaw Concerto.
17:17Oh, this is very nice.
17:19Here.
17:22What is it, Beryl?
17:23Well, it's a sort of Polish breakfast in bed.
17:29I used to bring us breakfast in bed, didn't I?
17:31Oh, I think that was on our honeymoon.
17:34That was when you were very keen.
17:36I was, was I?
17:37Yes. You used to bring us lunch and dinner in bed as well.
17:41Yes, well, I don't bother too much now.
17:43Now you prefer a cup of tea?
17:45May I?
17:46Sorry to extrude.
17:49You're normally up by now, Dad. See, I've got to speak to you, Dad, before I go to work.
17:52See, Dad, I'm really dead worried.
17:53Yes, all right.
17:54No, I am, Dad.
17:55Hello, Nigel. When did you get in?
17:57Late last night. I can't stay more than today, but I only came back just to keep my hand in.
18:01You haven't been expelled, have you, son?
18:03No, not yet.
18:04What did you say you came back to do?
18:06Good morning, Mr and Mrs Crutry. More coffee?
18:09Oh, Nadja?
18:10Yes, after you go to bed last night.
18:12I am waiting for Nigel, but he is very late home, so I sleep on the sofa.
18:17Where did you sleep last night, Nigel?
18:19On the other sofa.
18:21More coffee?
18:23We haven't got another sofa.
18:25Have you?
18:26No, just the one, just the old one we've always had.
18:29Was that you? I thought it was a lumpy cushion. How's your back been feeling?
18:32Mum, could I have a word with you, please, in private?
18:35Oh, come on, everyone. Come on to the bedclothes with Daddy while Lorraine and Mummy have a word in private.
18:39All right, all right, dear. What is it, Lorraine?
18:41Well, I'd rather not say.
18:43Well, why come in here at a quarter to sherry?
18:46What is it, the Crackout Chronicle?
18:48Dad, I'm really dead. Dad, Dad, I'm sorry.
18:51Dad!
18:52Oh, there you are.
18:54Do forgive me. I realise my intrusion is ungallant, and I don't want to flout etiquette, but this is an emergency.
19:00Arthur, I have bad news.
19:02Beryl, you deal with it.
19:07All right, quiet, quiet. What is this, the Council for Civil Liberties?
19:11We're not taking any liberties.
19:13We're not taking any liberties.
19:15You're not being very civil, either.
19:17Eva, Eva, Eva.
19:21Now then, Lorraine.
19:23Raymond's brother George has disappeared.
19:25He's gone. All of a sudden, my mother rang me.
19:27What did she say exactly?
19:29Well, after I accepted the charges, she said,
19:31Hello, Raymond, is that you?
19:32And I said, yes, Mother, and she said,
19:33There's no need to talk posh just because you're living with your toffee-nosed in-laws.
19:36And I said, I'm not talking posh, Mummy.
19:37Excuse me, excuse me, this doesn't concern us, so we'll get out of the way.
19:40And as you've got the day off, can I please have the car?
19:42Yeah, come on, Dad, do something. This is urgent.
19:44Do what? What's urgent?
19:45Get him a flaming car key so as I can tell you where my car is.
19:48Thanks, Dad. I'll fill it up.
19:50What was your account number?
19:51Oh, thank you.
19:52George has disappeared.
19:54He borrowed some money from me yesterday, most of my savings,
19:57and there's this, your cheque.
19:59I saw him changing it from 50 pounds to 350 pounds
20:03and managed to sneak it out of his pocket before he cashed it.
20:06Oh, isn't he impulsive occasionally?
20:08I mean, where's he gone? Why would he run off like that?
20:10Didn't he say anything to you, Rainy?
20:12I haven't seen him since yesterday afternoon.
20:14I heard him on the phone to a girl.
20:16He must have gone out with her last night.
20:18Oh, never mind, Rainy.
20:19He's my brother and I love him, yeah,
20:21but he shouldn't have done this to you without my permission.
20:25Yeah.
20:26By the way, Rainy, I love you too.
20:28Oh, Rainy.
20:30Oh, God.
20:33Arthur, Vera's in the hall. She's got something she wants to say.
20:36That'll make a change.
20:41Yes, Vera?
20:43As a harbinger of sad tidings,
20:46I have little choice but to announce that Elsie received a phone call
20:50late yesterday afternoon and she's left.
20:52What?
20:53She's gone.
20:54She said she had a secret meeting with a man.
20:57Now, I've said nothing to you before because I thought it was...
21:00It was none of my business.
21:02Gone? Gone where?
21:04I had a phone call from Southampton this morning
21:07that said Elsie the heiress had run off with your brother, George.
21:12Oh, my God!
21:14Wait a minute.
21:15Don't worry, I'll give her the kiss of life.
21:17No, that won't be necessary.
21:19George, his fiancée, he's ashamed.
21:24Beryl, who are all these people?
21:26It isn't him, his fiancée.
21:27All his relations, they've come to stay.
21:31You're dealing with it, Beryl.
21:37George.
22:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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