Taskmaster NZ Season 5 Episode 9
Taskmaster NZ S5 Episode 9
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00:00Hello.
00:01And...
00:02Two!
00:03Come on!
00:04Woo-hoo!
00:05That's for the haters.
00:06Come here.
00:07Come here.
00:08Dig a bit of tea.
00:09Oh!
00:10Yeah!
00:11He-he-he!
00:12Yomai, haere mai and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39My name's Jeremy Wells and I was installed in this job after the previous democratically
00:44elected host was overthrown in a bloody coup, masterminded by the CIA.
00:50It's unfortunate things got to that point, but I think we can all agree it was for the
00:54best because now I am the Taskmaster.
00:58We are gathered here tonight to see five as-yet-uncancelled New Zealand comedians battle it out to win
01:09this, the Taskmaster Trophy.
01:13The five comedians jostling for the win tonight are Abbie Howells, Ben Hurley, Haley Sproull
01:24and Tom Sainsbury.
01:28Our fifth contestant, Tofinga Fepulia, he, as you may know, is unable to join us in the
01:33studio this season, but we have been keeping his seat warm with the bottoms of beloved
01:38Taskmaster alumni.
01:40And joining us for Eps 9 and 10, the one and only Chris Parker!
01:51And as always, here to do all the dirty work so I can keep my hands clean like a deadpan
01:57dog poo bag, it's Paul Williams!
02:04Tell us about the prize task, would you Paul?
02:07Today we've asked our contestants to bring in the thing that reminds them of themselves.
02:13Okay Chris, let's start with you.
02:14What did you bring in that reminds you of yourself?
02:16Well, I'm not here as myself, Jeremy, I'm actually here on behalf of Tofinga.
02:21And so the best thing that reminded me of Tofinga is his entire line of merchandise.
02:27Oh wow!
02:29And I've just done him a sort of easy-buy style catalogue photo shoot there.
02:34So the tote bag, the t-shirt, the hat.
02:38And there's a hoodie as well, there we go.
02:40Your head looks a bit like an eel when it comes out of a cave.
02:46I know what you mean.
02:47Honestly, I didn't think a hoodie could be unflattering, but somehow it is.
02:52Tom, what did you bring in that reminds you of you?
02:55Well, let's just look at it.
03:01You know, I think I'm just good at a party.
03:05I tend to go red.
03:08Aren't you vegan?
03:10Yeah, I am.
03:13Okay, Abby, what did you bring in that reminds you of you?
03:16I brought in a haunted doll.
03:19Yep.
03:21Her name is Daphne, and the thing about Daphne is she is haunted.
03:27I went over Daphne with my beloved Hector Ray, and she is full of spirit.
03:33And that thing is 100% accurate all the time.
03:36Wow.
03:37So I think at the worst, Daphne is a bit disconcerting,
03:41but at the best, she could be a wonderful companion.
03:47No further questions, Your Honour.
03:49I'm shocked her name's Daphne, because I like your outfit,
03:52and it reminds me of Daphne from Scooby-Doo.
03:55Oh, yeah.
03:56Thank you so much.
03:57Yes, that was absolutely on purpose.
04:01It's like watching preschoolers talk at the sandpit, though.
04:06Ben?
04:07Well, I thought I might go a little bit more wholesome,
04:09because when I think of the thing that reminds me most of me,
04:12it's my children.
04:14Yeah.
04:15But I can't give away my children.
04:17Well, you can.
04:18It's just a long legal process.
04:21Yeah, okay, let's do that.
04:24I've got two beautiful daughters.
04:26A lot of people say they look like me,
04:28but I don't really see the resemblance.
04:30Ha, ha, ha.
04:34So you said obviously you couldn't give your kids away.
04:37Mm.
04:38You do realise how the show works?
04:41Yeah, Hayley convinced me we're going to do it.
04:43Okay.
04:44Oh, I don't want them.
04:45Better throw the **** up, then.
04:49I will raise your children, Ben.
04:51Oh, God.
04:52Ha, ha, ha.
04:54Hayley, what did you bring in?
04:55Hello, Jeremy.
04:56So there's a very popular board game,
04:59and on the front of the original box,
05:02I'm pretty sure it's me.
05:05So if we...
05:07This is Settlers of Caton, and if you look up close,
05:11that's me.
05:13Wow.
05:15Also, Hayley, a lot of nerds watch this show.
05:18It's Settlers of Catan.
05:20Ha, ha, ha.
05:23Catan.
05:24Yeah, yeah.
05:25Catan.
05:27C-A-T-A-N. It's Catan?
05:29No, Catan.
05:30I just love the smirk.
05:31Why is she smirking so?
05:33Because she's like, look over there.
05:35Is the other Settler of Catan checking out your breasts,
05:38or am I imagining it?
05:40It would have two T's if it was Catan.
05:42It's Catan.
05:43Don't be silly.
05:45I do think that, yeah, the little friend is having a gaze at my rack,
05:49and good for him, you know?
05:51OK.
05:52Tom, I'm going to give you one point,
05:54because I see what you mean with the Cheerio,
05:56but to me, you're more like an old English devil's sausage.
05:59Fair call.
06:01Two points for Ben.
06:03I'll go three points for Hayley.
06:07And four points for the merch, for Te Finga.
06:12And five points, because that doll is freakily like you.
06:15CHEERING
06:19Everyone's warmed up.
06:21Shall we get on with the task?
06:23Of course.
06:24Here's the whole task.
06:33Here you are.
06:34Here you are.
06:35Here I am.
06:38Hello, Paul.
06:39Hello, Abby.
06:40You're so cordial.
06:43What's happening, Bella?
06:44Just another task.
06:46Another one?
06:47Yeah.
06:48There's two here.
06:49Yeah.
06:50As long as it's got a hole in it.
06:51Yeah, I got a hole in one.
06:53I got a hole in one.
06:55Oh.
06:57So that's just there for that joke?
06:58Yeah.
06:59OK, it was worth it.
07:01I sort of like the challenge of this one.
07:04No, OK, that was a dumb idea.
07:06OK.
07:08Get a hole in one from the furthest distance.
07:10The ball can be any ball.
07:12The hole can be any hole.
07:14Furthest distance wins.
07:1620 minutes or until you get hole in one.
07:19Your time starts now.
07:21What would you do in this situation?
07:23Get a hole in one from...
07:25A far distance?
07:27Yeah.
07:31This seems pretty simple.
07:33Extremely simple.
07:34Get a hole in one from as far away as possible.
07:36All right, shall we get into it?
07:38It's a par three.
07:39It's Hayley, Tofinga and Tom.
07:41Furthest hole.
07:43Try and see if I can get in that par three.
07:45OK.
07:46Any hole is a goal.
07:48Is that the phrase?
07:49I'm not sure.
07:50I feel like technically that's a hole.
07:52I mean, that's up for debate.
07:54We've got a whole bunch of balls here.
07:58I'm going to make a hole using this tent.
08:01So what I'm thinking is that I will tape one of these onto the frisbee.
08:07There we go, there's the ball.
08:08That's good, you stand there.
08:09You'll move if it's going to hit you in the face.
08:12OK.
08:13Ready, Paul?
08:15Issa!
08:19Oh, Paul, sorry.
08:21OK, wait, wait, wait, wait.
08:23I'm not very athletic, so excuse me, New Zealand.
08:29I think the ball might be causing wind lag.
08:31I'll just see if I can just do this without.
08:34Oh, my God, I'm giving up!
08:39I was hoping it would bounce off you.
08:42We're going to use the clubs.
08:43Hopefully my dad's not watching.
08:44He will be, he loves this show.
08:51Good catch.
08:52Crouch down and put it on the ground.
08:54Like, I could bowl it.
09:02Damn it, that was so close!
09:04That was good, that's the technique.
09:10Issa!
09:14Oh, no!
09:20Stay where you are, stay where you are.
09:26Issa!
09:27Woo-hoo!
09:32Stay where you are.
09:3417 metres 92.
09:3617?
09:3717, teen.
09:39Yep, 17.
09:4117 metres 92.
09:4392!
09:49Tom, I have never heard that phrase,
09:51any holes a goal, what does that mean?
09:53I just think when you play a lot of sport like I do,
09:56you're like, you know, there's two goals in the end,
09:59you know, if you get it in, it's a success.
10:01I believe, I don't know.
10:02Doesn't matter what team you're playing for.
10:04Yeah.
10:06Yeah, and sometimes you have to get an own goal.
10:10And sometimes you've never played sport before.
10:15I thought it was quite interesting that you had to tell Paul
10:18that if the ball was going to hit him in the face,
10:20that he was going to have to move.
10:21He's a simple man, you know what I mean?
10:23Yeah.
10:24And we're far along enough now that we know that with Paul.
10:27Meanwhile, Chris, I see Taufinga just laughed
10:29when he hit Paul with the ball.
10:31Yeah, he's got to teach him a lesson
10:33and get his face out of that damn iPad.
10:35Lock up, you know.
10:37You've had enough screen time.
10:38Exactly.
10:39We've heard the word Issa a lot, actually, in this series.
10:43Issa.
10:44And this was interesting,
10:45because there was Issa when the ball just missed, Chris,
10:48and then there was an Issa when the ball went in.
10:50Yeah.
10:51Does anyone know what Issa means?
10:53Anyone?
10:54I mean, you know, have a look at the panel.
10:56Probably not.
10:57It's going to play out either way,
10:59but the worst version is we guess.
11:02So, Hayley, 12m67.
11:06Taufinga, 17m92.
11:09Tom, 25m74.
11:12Ooh, that's good.
11:13Ooh, OK.
11:14Coming up after the break,
11:15we'll have two more of the least impressive holes
11:18in one you'll ever see in your life.
11:21We'll see you then.
11:32MUSIC
11:37Welcome back to Taskmaster.
11:39Where are we, Paul?
11:40Our contestants were tasked with getting a hole-in-one
11:43with whatever ball and whatever hole they chose.
11:46Furthest hole-in-one wins.
11:48Up next, it's Abbey Holes and Ben Holey.
11:53OK, any hole.
11:54Can I dig a hole?
11:55Any hole.
11:56Any hole.
11:57All right, Paul, do you want to play a little game?
11:59Come with me.
12:00You ready?
12:01Yeah.
12:06How impressive.
12:07Do you like this little manoeuvre I'm doing with the shovel?
12:10Is that saving you energy?
12:12No, it just sort of suggests that I'm in charge.
12:17I hope you get your bond back on this Airbnb you've got here.
12:23Bam.
12:24No! Oh, shoot!
12:25Stop the clock.
12:26Oh, no!
12:27That was just a practice.
12:3073 centimetres.
12:32Or do we count this as a hole?
12:35You could struggle to argue that it's not a hole.
12:38I'll use the power of my brain.
12:40That was just a test. That was just a test.
12:42OK, I'm back. I've got a second chance.
12:44I'm getting quite big with this hole.
12:46It looks like you're getting a nice, clean thing
12:48that I can just put back in there.
12:50Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do.
12:51Is this allowed?
12:52Yeah.
12:53God.
12:54Dang it.
13:00Come to Hurley.
13:01Oh, look, it's a hole. It's a hole.
13:03What do you reckon, Paul? That's a hole.
13:05OK, there's a small patch of grass missing.
13:08I'm just going to bask in real manual labour for a second.
13:13Four.
13:14Did you say four before you hit it?
13:16Yeah, to let everyone know
13:17that a pretty dangerous ball might be coming.
13:21OK, are you ready, Paul?
13:23I'm ready.
13:24For a temptahi.
13:26It needs to be stronger.
13:28Four.
13:31Four.
13:34Have you lost it?
13:36Oh, Lord. Oh, no, there it is.
13:38Is that a fetching duck?
13:39I feel like it was going for the ball.
13:41Yeah, it's not a pond. It's just a hole.
13:44Oh, my God, it's a hole.
13:46Go away. Go away.
13:49Bowling ball.
13:50Yeah.
13:51Four.
13:53I went over it.
13:56Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
13:58Oh, no!
14:01OK, the thing about the hole is that it's...
14:04..very small and almost impossible to even see.
14:11Yep, yep, that's in, that's in, that's in, that's in!
14:14Stay where you are. OK.
14:17Four.
14:20Paul, would you think I was crazy if you said,
14:22could we go for attempt one?
14:24So now you're going to argue that that is a hole?
14:26I was wrong to say that it wasn't.
14:32Wait, there was a camera in there, I think.
14:35Oh.
14:36APPLAUSE
14:42The hole was so small
14:44that the editors had to put a circle around it
14:47so you could see it on the footage.
14:49I was sort of hoping you wouldn't show that one, to be honest.
14:53How far was Abbey's hole in line?
14:55So, the current leader was Tom, with 25m 74.
15:00Abbey, 73cm.
15:03That's the first manual labour
15:05that I've seen on Taskmaster in five seasons.
15:08This was the first task I did, and I thought,
15:10is this what this show is, just digging and chucking balls?
15:13I was like, I am in my element!
15:16How far was Ben's hole in one?
15:1929.3m.
15:21Yes.
15:22OK, so how are we going to score that?
15:24That means one point for Abbey, two points for Hayley,
15:27three points for Taufinga, four points for Tom
15:30and five points for Ben Hurley.
15:32Thank you. Very good from Tom.
15:35Very good, Tom.
15:36All right, what's happening on the scoreboard then, Paul?
15:39It's a two-way tie, both on seven points.
15:41It's Ben and Taufinga.
15:46All right, Paul, can you hit me with another task, please?
15:48Sure thing, Jeremy.
15:49It's time for another teen task, and this one is a task masterpiece.
15:54MUSIC
16:01Here we come.
16:02Here comes the dream team.
16:04Is it opposite, do you think?
16:07Do you think it's this?
16:08No, Drew.
16:09LAUGHTER
16:13Let's see what we've got.
16:15Bring a classic artwork to life.
16:18Best living artwork wins.
16:20You have 30 minutes to prepare your artwork.
16:22It must be alive for at least 30 seconds.
16:24Your time starts now.
16:26We don't want to do...
16:29Unless you wanted to take your clothes off.
16:31You should do that one.
16:33All right, Paul.
16:34You can say that too quickly and too enthusiastically.
16:36OK, sweet. We'll be back.
16:38Shoo, shoo.
16:39SCREAMS
16:41LAUGHTER
16:43Good to have the young ones running around for you.
16:46APPLAUSE
16:50I'm starting to get a bit worried about you
16:51getting a little bit confident this season,
16:53telling our comedians to get naked.
16:56Just thinking about ratings.
16:58LAUGHTER
16:59I'm ready to see some beautiful works of art come to life.
17:03Who's first, Paul?
17:04Taking on Da Vinci, it's the team of three.
17:07LAUGHTER
17:08Hello, Toffinger, we're back.
17:10Very clever.
17:12OK, so if you hold those in your thumb there.
17:16OK, start counting.
17:18OK, two, one...
17:22LAUGHTER
17:24APPLAUSE
17:26Is this the painting alive?
17:28Yeah, this is the painting alive.
17:30It's quite similar to it, just still.
17:33Hi.
17:34She's breathing.
17:36She's breathing.
17:37Yeah.
17:38I'm breathing, Paul.
17:40Look how beautiful I am, Paul.
17:44Extremely beautiful, Mona.
17:46I love you, Paul.
17:48Thank you, Mona.
17:50You can call me Lisa.
17:51She doesn't let a lot of people do that.
17:53Yeah, that's actually quite a big privilege, Paul.
17:55Just you, Paul.
17:56Was that the 30 seconds?
17:58It's been 30 seconds, yeah.
18:00OK.
18:01APPLAUSE
18:04The background was surprisingly accurate, actually, Tom.
18:08It was interesting, though, that you decided that she would be Toffinger
18:12when you obviously have a female in your team.
18:15Yeah, I don't know, we just felt, you know, Toffinger likes to sit...
18:19You know, we...
18:20LAUGHTER
18:22LAUGHTER
18:24You know, play to your strengths in a team, right?
18:26Exactly, play to your strengths.
18:28And Toffinger has the kind of enigmaticness that is the Mona Lisa.
18:33Can we see your Mona Lisa, just to see?
18:35Yeah, see, that's not it.
18:37And yours?
18:38Yeah, there we go.
18:39No, I think you're right there.
18:41Right, who have we got next, Paul?
18:43It's Salvador Haley and Salvador Hurley.
18:46I'm just trying to think about what I immediately remember.
18:49They look like they've had a tiff, but they're at a barbecue
18:52and they can't talk about it.
18:53Yeah, or they're just any marriage before 1960.
18:56Yeah.
18:57Yeah.
18:58LAUGHTER
19:00APPLAUSE
19:02OK, your 30 seconds starts.
19:05Three, two, one.
19:09We'll talk about what happened when we got her.
19:12I knew I was going to get it.
19:14It's the only thing you're going to be getting.
19:16Hm, what's new?
19:19You can't touch me any more.
19:24What are you going to do with that?
19:26Make some skewers, some chicken skewers?
19:28Chicken, man.
19:30Chicken skewers sound good.
19:32Shut up.
19:33You always undercook them.
19:35We get a sore tummy.
19:38WHISTLE
19:39LAUGHTER
19:40Really good.
19:41We did it.
19:42And honestly, if your hair does thin...
19:45Yeah?
19:46..I think you're going to be all right.
19:48I think you're going to be OK.
19:50Great.
19:51APPLAUSE
19:54What happened to that bald wig?
19:56Because I'm sure there's a bald wig hanging around
19:58the taskmaster or somewhere.
19:59It definitely is.
20:00I popped into the make-up room to just get a low bun
20:02and I came out of here already cut a soccer ball in half
20:05and I knew where the bald cap was.
20:07I just was like, he's gone too fast.
20:09It's so crazy how your head fit in it so perfectly.
20:13It was very concerning for me at the time.
20:15Did it look comfy?
20:16It was quite comfy, yeah.
20:18It's quite cushy on the inside.
20:19I don't want to go in there.
20:21It was quite nice.
20:22Any holes a-go.
20:23Any holes a-go.
20:24LAUGHTER
20:25OK, I need to score this.
20:27I thought the Mona Lisa was fantastic.
20:29Three points for Tom, Abby and Tofinha.
20:33But I thought American Gothic was particularly good.
20:36Five points for Ben and Hayley.
20:38APPLAUSE
20:40All right, that's enough art.
20:42It's time for us to enjoy what artists ended up doing
20:44when they've run out of money in the artless hellscape
20:48that we call a society.
20:50We'll see you after these ads.
20:52APPLAUSE
20:54MUSIC
21:02CHEERING
21:04Hoki Mai, welcome back to Taskmaster,
21:07the show where the losers get haunted by their failures
21:10and the winner gets haunted by Abby's creepy doll.
21:13Paul, it's time for another task, I believe.
21:16Actually, I feel like it's getting kind of late
21:19and I kind of need to go to bed.
21:21LAUGHTER
21:23MUSIC
21:32Hello.
21:33Oh, it's just me in here, is it?
21:35Hello.
21:37Ah!
21:39It's just the door closing.
21:42Calm down, Hayley.
21:44Of course.
21:45Scare Paul at bedtime.
21:47Scariest bedtime wins.
21:50Paul will arrive to go to bed in 20 minutes.
21:53Your time starts now.
21:57Scare Paul at bedtime.
21:59This is great, cos I'm naturally creepy, I think.
22:02Bedtime routine.
22:04Wash face, brush hair.
22:05De-slip it and then respect the taskmaster.
22:08OK.
22:09Journal 30 seconds.
22:11Bed.
22:12Read for 30 seconds and then lights out.
22:16HE GIGGLES
22:18I wish I could fall over.
22:20Paul's diary, keep out.
22:22I'll be respectful of that because one time my sister
22:25stole my diary and read it at a sleepover with all her friends.
22:29I don't think about that ever.
22:31Things I get really scared of.
22:33Failure, sharks.
22:34Getting older and the unknown.
22:37APPLAUSE
22:39Oh, no, she went nuts.
22:43Do you want to talk about that time when your sister
22:45stole your diary and then read it at a sleepover with her friends?
22:48Yeah, I don't know why I said that.
22:50Because it's true.
22:53What was in your diary?
22:55I've got the diary here and I'll read it out.
22:58I think it's mainly about how I was in love
23:00with former American Idol contestant Clay Aitken.
23:04I don't know if anyone remembers Clay Aitken.
23:06So was I.
23:07Yeah.
23:08Shall we see who spooks you first, Paul?
23:10Up first, it's Tom Sainsbury.
23:28LAUGHTER
23:38LAUGHTER
23:44HE SNORES
23:56HE SCREAMS
24:00HE SNORES
24:05Goodnight.
24:07Have a good sleep.
24:12Quite scary.
24:13Was that a ghost or a ghoul?
24:15What was that exactly?
24:16That was a ghoul.
24:17It was.
24:18There was also a mannequin in the bed,
24:20but that didn't seem to scare you so much.
24:22In fact, he was excited.
24:23Yeah.
24:24He sort of started suckling on it.
24:26It was odd.
24:29OK, who's next?
24:30Up next, she's incredibly scary.
24:33It's Arby Howells.
24:38EERIE MUSIC
24:40Is that Paul?
24:42Yeah.
24:43I didn't recognise you.
24:45Cos you look so old.
24:48Haggard by time.
24:52Well, you're not looking too good yourself.
24:54How dare you, Paul?
24:55You better be quiet, or else I'll feed you to the sharks.
24:59Oh.
25:00Yeah.
25:01Don't like that, did you?
25:04OK, I'll be back.
25:06Like tonight, or like another night?
25:08You don't know.
25:09Cos I don't know.
25:10I don't know what my schedule's going to be yet.
25:12OK.
25:13Just at some point.
25:14At some point.
25:15When I've worked out my schedule.
25:24Yeah, the old torch under the chin, classic scary look.
25:27Classic.
25:28I channelled all my energy into the look,
25:30and once I got under the bed, I was like,
25:32I don't know what I'm doing.
25:34I don't know.
25:35You look so much like Daphne.
25:36You look like Daphne.
25:37You've got the eyelashes, the hair, and the little red lipstick.
25:40I know.
25:41Yeah, OK.
25:42It's full of spirits.
25:44I'll tell you what,
25:45and there's something about a ghost with a busy schedule.
25:48Yeah.
25:49Yeah.
25:50Probably means you're a good ghost.
25:51You're going to do scaring a lot all over town.
25:52Many people have wronged me, and I must make them pay.
25:55OK.
25:56Show me another one, please, Paul.
25:57This guy is also really scary.
26:00It's Torfinga.
26:06SCREAMING
26:08Wake up, Paul!
26:09Wake up!
26:11I'm awake.
26:12I'm awake.
26:13OK.
26:14I was scared you were in the cupboard when it fell.
26:19It's nice of you to think that I could fit in the cupboard.
26:23Go to sleep.
26:25APPLAUSE
26:28I did not see that coming.
26:31The fear was real.
26:32I did not see that coming.
26:34The fear was understandable there.
26:36That was health and safety based.
26:38Did you see how close the wardrobe came?
26:40I came out of the closet in a similar way.
26:42You just tore it down.
26:44Slammed your way out.
26:46Far out.
26:47I was incredibly scared.
26:48Obviously, big fright, but also I was scared for his safety.
26:51I thought he was in it, and it had just fallen.
26:53LAUGHTER
26:56Anyway, let's see another one.
26:58Now it's time for a woman who's so spooky
27:00she's named after the spookiest night of the year.
27:03It's Hayley Ween.
27:05LAUGHTER
27:11I cast a freezing spell on you.
27:17As I've frozen...
27:21..my...
27:23Oh...
27:34I actually don't know how you're doing that.
27:36Shut up.
27:37OK.
27:38This bed's not super sturdy.
27:41I would stop moving it if you are under there.
27:44Lucy's not in the wardrobe.
27:46Why don't you go and look?
27:48You've tied me to the bed.
27:52LAUGHTER
28:02SCREAMS
28:06Were you scared, Paul?
28:07Yeah, that was genuinely quite scary.
28:09APPLAUSE
28:13I think when all else fails,
28:15there's always just screaming at the top of your lungs in the dark.
28:18I'd actually sort of done a bit of everything,
28:20and it was all failing.
28:21Like, I'd put this Bluetooth speaker in the wardrobe,
28:24and then I was under the bed, and it had disconnected,
28:26and I was like, dammit.
28:28And I was kind of bamboozled.
28:29She was like, why don't you go look in the wardrobe?
28:32Just a Bluetooth speaker.
28:34LAUGHTER
28:35Playing nothing.
28:36It wasn't connected to anything.
28:37Yeah, OK.
28:38OK.
28:39But the lassoing was expert.
28:40That was good, aye?
28:41Around there, that was superb.
28:43I was a teenage witch, so I know how to spook people.
28:46That's very high level.
28:48All right, now it's time for the real stuff of nightmares, ads.
28:52We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this.
28:54APPLAUSE
29:08Kia ora anō.
29:09Welcome back to Taskmaster,
29:11where five comedians are giving Paul Williams frights
29:14in the hopes of winning their own human children.
29:17Is that right, Paul?
29:18Yes.
29:19Our contestants are competing to give me the scariest bedtime.
29:23Now it's bin time.
29:40SCREAMS
29:48Hi, Paul.
29:50I'm you.
29:52Later on in your life,
29:54complete all the things you ever wanted to do with your life.
29:57In the next 45 minutes, your time starts now.
30:03I just want to go to bed.
30:05Wasting it once again.
30:11APPLAUSE
30:15Oh, my God.
30:16I can't imagine anything scarier
30:18than going to sleep with a picture of Ben Hurley beside me.
30:21OK, so the scary thing was that he would turn into you.
30:25Hmm.
30:27Was that scary?
30:29No, I'd be stoked if I grew up to be Ben.
30:32Aww.
30:33Thanks.
30:34Grew up.
30:37How do you want to score it?
30:39I will go Ben one point.
30:41Yeah, that's fair.
30:42It wasn't particularly freaky.
30:44I think two points for Tom,
30:47even though there was a jump scare in there.
30:50I thought Tofinga probably deserved three points
30:53cos there was only the one,
30:55but that was quite freaky with the wardrobe falling over.
30:58Abby was kind of herself and that was quite freaky, so four.
31:02And five for Hayley.
31:04Yes!
31:07Lovely.
31:09All right, Paul, what have you got in store for us now?
31:12Nothing.
31:13This is just two strangers in the park.
31:24Oh, God!
31:25Hi.
31:30It's quite a long walk, isn't it?
31:32Hello, Paul.
31:33I don't know you.
31:35I get what this is.
31:36Spy stuff.
31:39Yep.
31:44That's it, right?
31:46If this is a bomb, I'll be very upset.
31:49Oh, no.
31:54Pull them out.
31:55Yeah.
32:01I'm going to get my double chans.
32:04During the studio record,
32:06tell an anecdote that makes the audience go,
32:09aww.
32:11The anecdote cannot be true.
32:13During the studio record,
32:15be extremely curious about Ben Hurley's skin care routine
32:20at least twice.
32:22During the studio record,
32:24confident...
32:26I don't know.
32:27Confident.
32:29Confident.
32:30Confident.
32:31Confident.
32:32I was going to say confidentially.
32:34Confidently.
32:36Mispronounce three different English words.
32:39During the studio record,
32:41passionately promote a fictional product.
32:44During the studio record,
32:46give the contestant seated to your left
32:49the nickname Mustard Hands.
32:51You must refer to them by their nickname at least three times.
32:54No one can know it is a task.
32:56Most seamless integration wins.
32:58Even till episode nine.
33:00Your time starts now.
33:01Your time starts now.
33:03Your time starts now.
33:05I can do that. I can do that on a dime.
33:09Any questions?
33:10What's your card name?
33:12Black Cat.
33:13They call me the Serpent.
33:14Oh, well, now mine sounds Lamb.
33:19Oh, wow.
33:22Well, that explains some, but not all,
33:24of the very strange behaviour
33:26which has been taking place on the stage
33:28over the past nine shows.
33:30Shall we see who managed to pull off their secret mission?
33:33First off, calling the person to his left Mustard Hands,
33:37here's Ben Hurley.
33:41Let me smell yours.
33:42Good luck, Abbie.
33:43Yours smell like mustard.
33:47Now you're going to have Mustard Hands.
33:48Do the focus, do the focus.
33:50Excuse me, can you let me focus?
33:52This is very important.
33:53Excuse me, I'm talking to Mustard Hands here.
33:56So Hayley's chosen a sort of black leather loafer
33:59with a buckle.
34:00Classic Mustard Hands, right?
34:02Yours had so many bits of, like, food in it.
34:05Might as well put ketchup in there.
34:07Mustard, old Mustard Hands, remember?
34:11Wow, Ben, that was amazing.
34:15I totally thought that was just some bizarre Hurley saying.
34:21I've never heard of that before.
34:22Mustard Hands?
34:23I know.
34:24I feel this whole time I've been lied to by you.
34:26We used to be friends.
34:27He had another task where he had to pretend to be excited to see me.
34:30It's all a lie.
34:32You must have been quite stoked, though,
34:34because that was part of your mission,
34:36but you were getting good laughs for the Mustard Hands line.
34:38I know.
34:39This audience is a lot tougher.
34:43All right, who's next?
34:44Passionately promoting her fictional product,
34:47here's Abbie Howells.
34:49Oh, my God, her tattoos are so problematic.
34:54She's just best from far away, I think.
34:56Even though she's a lovely, beautiful lady,
34:58printer with sexy ink.
35:01It's sexy ink, baby, it's the best.
35:05Okay, so a fictional company?
35:07Yeah, Sexy Ink.
35:09I also did another one today, Ecto-Ray.
35:14I used my Ecto-Ray to measure the level of spirit in the doll.
35:20And all of you just accepted it as some of the weird stuff
35:24that I would say naturally.
35:28That's good.
35:30Okay, what about Tom?
35:32Making the audience go aww about an anecdote that never happened,
35:35it's Tom Sainsbury.
35:37You might not realise it,
35:38but I've actually got a very, very big hat.
35:41And I...
35:43I haven't been able to find a hat that fits.
35:49And then I found this hat,
35:51and it was the first one that fit my head.
35:55And I left it behind in a taxi coming home from somewhere in Newmarket
35:59after having one too many mudslides.
36:04Sorry.
36:09They always say with liars,
36:10don't put in too many needless details,
36:12and I think I failed on that.
36:14Why did it need to be about mudslides from somewhere in Newmarket?
36:18But you know what, I think I sold it.
36:20Oh.
36:21The amazing part is that I saw tears start to well up,
36:25and I thought, well, this really is a moment for Tom.
36:28Yeah.
36:29That fictional fedora meant a lot to fictional Tom.
36:32Okay, what about Tofinga?
36:33Tofinga was unfortunately unable to comment on Ben's skincare routine.
36:38Luckily, we had some friends help him out.
36:41And can I say, when you're real angry, Ben,
36:43something happens to your skin that just really glows?
36:47Hey, I don't know what moisturiser you're using, but you look great.
36:50Ben, can I just say, when the light hit your face,
36:53absolute delightful skin, what's your skincare routine?
36:56It's good, eh?
36:57Yeah, what is your routine?
36:59Um, water.
37:01Our contestants are making soap
37:03using unique and inventive ingredients, like soap.
37:07Wait, Ben, what's your skincare routine?
37:11Actually, there's a lot of pink fat.
37:17Oh, that was very good.
37:19Bubba going twice in a row there almost within about five minutes.
37:22That was gutsy.
37:23Yeah, then she said she was going to become a stripper,
37:25and I thought, oh, people are hitting on me again.
37:29Okay, what about Hayley?
37:30Finally, confidently mispronouncing three words, here's Hayley Sproul.
37:35Stay tuned for tickets for our performance of Little Shop of Horrors.
37:39I absolutely can't wait for that.
37:41You've never been through childbirth, have you?
37:45I've never been through childbirth, no.
37:47Oh, right.
37:48No, I haven't.
37:49No, I mean, I have.
37:50So if we, this is Settlers of Caton,
37:53and if you look up close, that's me.
37:58Wow.
38:00Also, Hayley, a lot of nerds watch this show.
38:03It's Settlers of Caton.
38:10I don't come across as the most likeable in those clothes.
38:16Real nitpicker.
38:17You're going to really love watching this show, babe.
38:19You literally caught me two out of my three times.
38:22And absolutely pitted.
38:23How insufferable.
38:24I'm actually even mispronouncing.
38:26Jesus Christ.
38:29I was so nervous about doing that one today,
38:32because it's so embarrassing to call Settlers of Caton
38:35Settlers of Caton.
38:39So am I going to have to judge everybody?
38:41This is impossible.
38:42So everybody did their task?
38:43Essentially, yeah.
38:46Five points, everyone.
38:52Very good.
38:54Yeah, that's right.
38:55Slap those mustard hands together.
38:58Now it's time for a secret mission for you at home.
39:01Watch all these ads,
39:02and let them influence your consumer choices in the future.
39:06We'll be back after this.
39:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:19Nau mai, hoki mai.
39:20Welcome back to Taskmaster.
39:22We're about to embark on a live task
39:24and award one New Zealand comedian
39:26one of the worst prize packs ever offered on television.
39:30Excuse me.
39:31But first, can we get a lay of the land score-wise, please, Paul?
39:36Yes, Jeremy.
39:37You've actually just really insulted Ben Hurley's kids.
39:41And my doll.
39:45And my little sausage.
39:51OK, it's unbelievably tight.
39:54We've got three people on 18,
39:56but in first with 20 points, it's Hayley Sproul.
39:59All right, don't go right to me.
40:01Everyone please get up to the stage for the live task.
40:09So how's this going to work, Paul?
40:11Ben Hurley, can you please read this task?
40:13Oh, sure.
40:14Do you want me to hold it?
40:16Yeah, that'd be great.
40:19OK.
40:20For two minutes, simultaneously eat spaghetti,
40:23keep your balloon off the ground
40:25and participate in Paul's pub quiz
40:27all while being naturally photogenic.
40:32Your camera can go off at any point during the two minutes
40:35most photogenic photo wins.
40:37Oh, my God.
40:38Most correct quiz answers receives two bonus points,
40:42most spaghetti eaten gets a bonus point.
40:45If your balloon hits the ground, you lose a point,
40:48your time starts on Paul's whistle.
40:50What on earth?
40:53Here's my worst fear.
40:55It catches me throwing up.
40:58Are you allergic to spaghetti?
40:59No, I'm allergic to your bullshit.
41:07On my whistle.
41:13What is the name of the river that flows through Rome?
41:18Tyber.
41:19Correct, Ben.
41:20How many times have Italy won the FIFA World Cup?
41:23Four times.
41:24Correct, Chris Parker.
41:25Oh, my God.
41:26Balloon has hit the ground.
41:28What is the primary ingredient in risotto?
41:31Rice!
41:32Aborio rice!
41:33Aborio rice!
41:34I'm giving it to Hayley.
41:36Hayley, correct.
41:38What animal makes the most noise?
41:41What animal native to China shares a name with an Italian car?
41:45Who said panda first?
41:46Me, Sainsbury.
41:47Tom Sainsbury.
41:50How many owls are in the word coliseum?
41:53Three!
41:54Four!
41:55Is someone saying four?
41:57Two!
41:58One!
41:59Correct, Tom.
42:00What is the Italian word for spaghetti?
42:03Spaghetti!
42:04Tom Sainsbury, correct.
42:06What country does James Bond have a boat chasing?
42:09Holland!
42:10Russia!
42:11Copenhagen!
42:13Wellington!
42:14Well, Italy!
42:15Italy, correct.
42:16Tom Sainsbury.
42:17What are the three ingredients in a margarita pizza?
42:20Tomato!
42:21Tomato!
42:22Tomato!
42:23Cheese!
42:28Did you hear who got that last question right?
42:31Yeah, I think it was Hayley.
42:34OK, come on down and we'll see how these photos turned out.
42:40APPLAUSE
42:43Thanks for shouting dinner, Jeremy.
42:45Pleasure.
42:46Warm enough for you?
42:47Just how I like it.
42:48Ten degrees.
42:50Yes, so Chris did like it.
42:52He ate the most spaghetti.
42:54APPLAUSE
42:56No!
42:57Well done.
42:58That is so embarrassing.
43:01So that's plus one for Chris.
43:03However, his balloon was the only balloon to touch the ground,
43:06so that's minus one for Chris.
43:08That's OK.
43:09And Tom gets plus two for the most trivia questions answered correctly.
43:13APPLAUSE
43:15Well done, Tom.
43:16Well done.
43:17Should we look at the photos?
43:18I can't wait to see these photos.
43:20Who are we going to start with?
43:21Here's Tom.
43:22OK.
43:24Oh, OK.
43:25Yeah.
43:26Oh, I like that I can see what you're eating.
43:29OK, should we see Chris?
43:31No.
43:32LAUGHTER
43:34I look really good.
43:37Look at my bone structure.
43:39Where are you?
43:40It was a moment where he was sort of coming towards the front of the stage
43:43to get his balloon.
43:45Or heat that pasta up for another serving of that.
43:48I'm expecting a lot from Hayley.
43:50She was working the lens.
43:52It's Hayley.
43:54LAUGHTER
43:58You said it's Chris's picture.
44:00Well, there I am.
44:03Can I honestly say, that is the worst photo of me to ever have.
44:07Chris is not being judged on that.
44:09He's being judged on his line.
44:11Well, I am.
44:13I also was about to say, that's an unflattering angle of my jawline,
44:16but if you just sort of look to the right, it's actually OK.
44:19I got you, mate, I got you.
44:21It's giving waist, it's giving boobs, it's great.
44:24There's a little bit of spaghetti sort of dripping through your cleavage there,
44:27which is beautiful.
44:29Sexy.
44:30OK, Ben Hurley.
44:32Wow!
44:34Hurley, yes!
44:36I'm trying to staunch the camera out.
44:38That's actually one of the best photos I've ever seen of you, Ben,
44:41to be honest.
44:42All right, let's see Abby, last of all.
44:44Here's Abby.
44:46Oh, my goodness!
44:49Stop it!
44:51Wow.
44:52Abby, come on!
44:54That's how the divas do it.
44:57Amazing.
44:58So how do you want to score it?
45:00OK, well, Chris is obviously one.
45:03He's not in there.
45:04Sorry, Chris.
45:05That's fine.
45:06Hayley, two.
45:07Tom, three.
45:09Ben, four.
45:10And, of course, Abby, five.
45:12How could you not?
45:13Thank you!
45:15Should we do a series score update?
45:18I'd love a series score update.
45:21With a two-point lead, currently leading season five,
45:24it's Hayley Sproul.
45:26Two-two.
45:27Two points.
45:28I'll take that.
45:30All right.
45:31Let's focus on the now, Paul.
45:33Who was our episode nine winner?
45:35It was a nail-biter, but with 23 points,
45:38the winner of episode nine is Abby Howell.
45:41Congratulations, Abby.
45:43You are now the proud owner of a bunch of stuff
45:46that reminds other comedians of themselves.
45:48Please head up to the stage and enjoy your bounty.
45:53Nga mihi o te pō.
45:54Good night.
45:55Good night.
45:56Good night.
46:13Welcome to the grand finale of season five of Taskmaster.
46:19This is the episode that matters.
46:22Oh!
46:23Where our winner is crowned.
46:25And where history is written.