Men Behaving Badly. S04 E03. Pornography.
First broadcast 8th June 1995.
Dumped by Dorothy for her new boyfriend Jamie Gary is extremely depressed and the noisy love-making of Tony and his girlfriend Jill does not help.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Allie Byrne ... Jill
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Nicholas Newman ... Jamie
Dave Atkins ... Les
Peter Czajowski ... Peter (as Peter Czajkowski)
Dumped by Dorothy for her new boyfriend Jamie Gary is extremely depressed and the noisy love-making of Tony and his girlfriend Jill does not help.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Allie Byrne ... Jill
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Nicholas Newman ... Jamie
Dave Atkins ... Les
Peter Czajowski ... Peter (as Peter Czajkowski)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30Oh
01:00Oh
01:20It's from a new book under best busking ballads
01:23And
01:28This is it with the harmonica
01:44Tony mate, how can I put this take your joy and your fun and bugger off?
01:50Goes down very well in a subway that so does urinating and mugging but at least people don't ask you for their small change
01:57We never had a piss
01:59Just trying to make a living mate. I'm sorry mate. It's all this Dorothy stuff. Yeah, I know you should think about something else
02:06Do you know what hurts the most?
02:08Getting your balls caught between two bricks gotta be
02:13Do you know what hurts the most about Dorothy going off for this bloke? Oh, no, sorry mate what?
02:18She says she's in love she never said that with me. Oh, she doesn't love him
02:24Perhaps he's just better with his knob
02:30Listen listen, I never told you this before but one day when we were down at the crown you were up at the bar
02:35Dorothy leaned over to me and she said I really don't deserve Gary see
02:40She
02:42She respected you mate, she loved you and she respected you I
02:47Bet she was just saying what have I done to deserve Gary? Oh, yeah
02:54Still at least there is one positive side. Whoa, at least I've got a girlfriend
03:00Time to I'm gonna go for so long. I've forgotten which end to start
03:03I'll tell you what, mate chicks come on to me all the time when I'm busking. Hey, listen, I'm picking a very in the act
03:08What do you think of this
03:24So we don't like the bongos then I'm thinking of putting in some performance art as well this is me walking in the wind wind
03:31This is me smashing you in the face with a bongos in the wind
03:43Look mate, do you trust me? Of course I do. All right
03:45Well, if you do exactly what I say, I think and I can get Dorothy back
03:48Well, well, you see first of all, you've got to play hard-to-get and that means don't go around and see her and don't phone her
03:55Okay
03:56Dorothy
04:01What about you oh
04:06Gary yeah, why are you phoning me from a brothel? No, I'm at home. Just just lazing around, you know
04:17No one special I
04:22Was just wondering if we could meet
04:31Oh people person dripping pouting love slave, whatever
04:36Well, I'm not making you jealous. I'm
04:46How about you phone me another time when you don't need to rely on a tray of props a BBC sound effects tape and your
04:52friend making sucking noises
05:02So what's so great about this new bloke anyway, Jamie
05:10He's lovely
05:18Five years
05:20Five years we've been together. Doesn't that mean anything?
05:24Of course it does Gary
05:27You're part of my life
05:31I
05:45Some of my things are still around at your place. I know there's a cheese sandwich in the fridge. You want me to post it?
05:53Thanks
05:55Tony broke your facial sauna. I'm afraid Oh
05:58Oh, he cracked it steaming his testicles
06:05Never mind came out really well
06:10I'm gonna keep the things we bought together. Well, that's not fair
06:13Well, according to you life isn't is it if it was Michael Portilla never big wart on the side of his head
06:18Look, you keep the tent and I'll have the sun lamp and the scrabble. Oh, that's nice
06:23No, I get to huddle under some damp canvas while you and mr
06:26Lovely have all over towns and play an entertaining and informative word. All right the other way around then
06:32Who am I gonna play scrabble with Tony?
06:36It's not the same with Tony he alters his letters with felt tip
06:43Difficult Gary
06:56Oh
07:08Hey
07:11It's busking any day don't know
07:14Hey, I've learnt the cause to the birdie song. Shall I play it to you?
07:19Don't spoil it. We've had such a nice time. Oh
07:22Well, so what's your secret you've been like a stick of rock all afternoon
07:33What minty
07:38No, I see yeah
07:41I've had a bit of a gap from women, you know
07:43Why I've been sort of saved myself the girl upstairs
07:48My fluids have been building up for quite a while
07:52It's like when you open a washing machine our face of the cycle and all that stuff
07:58So, why didn't she want to open your machine for you
08:02She's got a bit of a fixed idea of the kind of bloke. She wants what kinds that someone she likes
08:08She sort of likes me but it's like a swing-o-meter, you know, I mean she likes me
08:14She likes me less bit less less or bit more. Oh, she hates me. Really really
08:20I
08:28Really must tell Gary not to leave his stuff in my brandy laps it up and gulps it down
08:36Open wide and say ass I
08:40Mean is it me or is that just degrading and offensive to women don't bother to know
08:46I really must have a word tonight. It's the shock of Dorothy dumping him
08:49I mean, these are the only women he can trust. Does that really turn you on?
08:58She's naked
09:00Yeah, but she's obviously freezing to death
09:02She's sitting on a four-lift truck feeling exposed and stupid and like a piece of meat. How can that turn you on?
09:14Well, what's she got that I haven't
09:16nothing
09:18It's just that well, she folds up into a nice handy size and sits quietly in the drawer
09:26I mean we do come into the world in the nuddy. Yeah, we don't come into it on our hands and knees clutching a cucumber
09:33I'm pretending to have an orgasm
09:36So you're not a big user of pornography that I mean it Tony if you don't get rid of these
09:41I don't want anything to do with you. Look, it's simple seat. They just go straight in the bin over there
09:49You
09:51Drink never no, thanks. I'm in the middle of cooking. Oh, can I have some no, okay
10:03You're a girl no, I was a girl and now I'm a woman how's that work then?
10:11Never mind
10:13Anyway, thanks for coming down. I just wanted to ask you because as a girl a woman or whatever
10:19I thought you might have some insight into what I can do to get Dorothy back
10:23I know it's hard to accept Gary, but maybe she doesn't want to come back
10:28Good very sound
10:31Maybe you should think of finding somebody new. Okay? Yeah
10:38How do I do that
10:40You meet new people new people like you're thinking do you meet anyone at work? Yep
10:47There's a mad middle-aged bloke in a mad middle-aged woman
10:51Well, you could I don't know do some evening classes. Well, we're not be too busy meeting people
10:59You meet people there. I
11:03See yeah good got it got it right. Well, what should I study fridge maintenance something like that?
11:11Oh Gary, this is hit you quite hard, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, there's a bit of freedom just what the doctor orders
11:19You could do what I'm doing tomorrow night. So give a dinner party or should I come to yours?
11:29I've got enough guests, but I could squeeze on the end
11:34I could bring me a little table and put it next to you
11:37Gary
11:40I'll bring me own country. I'll be no trouble
11:44You wouldn't want to come I've invited Dorothy and her new boyfriend
11:52I see I'll get the picture right? Well Deborah. Thanks for the advice. I think what I'll do is I'll throw a dinner party near
12:01Probably tomorrow night be a nice night for me
12:03What you need more time to prepare old ever I can see you haven't organized as many sophisticated dinner parties as I have
12:11I
12:16Remind me what I need for a sophisticated dinner party
12:22Guests
12:26Food
12:28Drink drink anything else. I find a bowl of nuts often puts a smile on the guests faces in the early stages
12:36Nuts as well. This is getting complicated
12:41Anthea who should I ask to my dinner party? Well Peter Ustinov's very chatty, isn't he?
12:46He'd make it go with a swing
12:50Comedian Tom O'Connor. He'd probably have a ready quip
12:53Great. Got any more suggestions?
12:56Whitney Houston the Birmingham six perhaps
12:59Have you got enough chairs for the Birmingham six?
13:03No, you're right I better make that the Guilford for
13:05I
13:07Know Clive. Yeah, it's me me the other thing going on up your end tonight
13:11Well, I'm having a sophisticated dinner party any chance you bring a couple of birds and a bottle
13:16Magic. Hang on a second
13:21Type something sorry mate. Hmm Dorothy. No chapter
13:29Yeah, well when you got the keys to the whole sweet shop you don't just want to stuff your face with crunchies all the
13:33time do you
13:36Super see you atish
13:41Okay, you know masturbation
13:49You know women women yes
13:51Well when they do it, right
13:53They just imagine Richard Gere or Linford Christie or whatever lying on top of them probably on a mountain top or in a leafy glade
13:59Yeah, yeah something with a girly atmosphere, yeah, where's all we have to do is reach for your favorite mag and yank your plank
14:09It's quicker you don't have to use your imagination and it's good for local newsagents
14:14I haven't bought any actually since Dorothy found my collection. She crossed a little bit
14:19Yeah, she waited till I left the flat and then she posted a magazine to every address in my file of facts
14:24with a covering note
14:26Must have been a bit awkward. Yeah, my dear some of my relatives were quite grateful for the man
14:32I know my branch of Barclays was surprised when the Christmas if you cheeks apart plus plopped onto the doormat
14:38They must have been me. Do you know how to make roses out of paper towels?
14:43Neither do I I'll do airplanes
14:47You see what we need is more pornography but better so the chicks can enjoy it as well
14:52What's like we've got magazines like knockers and minge
14:58Plum's up and way
15:00I mean the ladies bless her. Yes
15:02I mean, they should be able to go in the newsagent and say I'll have knitting weekly. Hello
15:07Oh, give me a copy of this month's for skin
15:12But that'd be true equality, wouldn't it? Yeah
15:15So if somebody offered you 500 quid to pose nude in plums up, would you do it?
15:20I believe it was artistic. Yeah, me too, you know something like well
15:30You know, I could could use a chair so something something like
15:37If they wanted something a bit cheeky, I can really give it the old
15:42Cheeky if I were you it's a hard one to pull off
15:45Better clear those mags out my room before Jill arrives. Oh, by the way, Tony
15:49I'd answer your type up some place names for me. Nice on me. Yeah, unfortunately, she couldn't read my handwriting. You've come out as totty
15:55It's Jill, isn't it? Oh, Jilly. Come through. That's right, coats in my bed. All right, leave it. Bathroom's in there if you want to freshen up, look that you don't look very fresh indeed already. I'll be lighting the candles shortly and then we'll be having some tea.
16:25Peanuts and I thought we could kick things off. It was a little light conversation with the other guests. Are you going to see Tony? Yes, that's fine
16:45Let me have a look let me have a look. Oh, hey. Oh god, you look terrific
16:50Terrific
16:54Shame we have to have supper. Yeah
16:58Your flatmates made quite an effort he seemed excited that we were going to be having a candle
17:05I suppose we should really go now
17:12Who needs all those horrible magazines?
17:20Oh, hello. I thought you might be the catering for my dinner party. Gary. This is Jamie. I
17:32Used to have a moped
17:35It's a Harley Davidson actually
17:42Gary if this is the juvenile level you I'm sorry the juvenile level
17:46Juvenile level juvenile as in what you've been on I know what juvenile means go to university. No, you didn't Gary
17:55And I'll be grateful if you keep the noise down please because I'm having a sophisticated dinner party tonight
17:59I'll ask my guests if they think I'm juvenile
18:01We can discuss that over the five-course meal and selection of fine wines from around the world
18:05Oh
18:08Shit
18:09Gary
18:10Sorry, we're having the oven sandblasting today. So I've done you a few cold cuts
18:15It's funny, you know, no one's ever asked me to do outside catering before so I made a hasty study of
18:23Nouvelle cuisine
18:28Pilchards in a tomato coolie
18:31Yeah
18:33Hexagons of smoked salmon drizzled in Malibu and I made the Scotch egg meself from the finest Scotch
18:44Be careful though the egg still got its shell on
18:53Hello Clive, what do you mean you've had a better offer? What about a bird you were bringing they are the better offer
19:00Well, how am I supposed to find something at this short notice I haven't got any other friends Clive and you know that you ponce
19:20Dennis I'll be serving the dinner. I'm gonna light the candle. I'm gonna light the candle now
19:29I
19:59I
20:29I
20:52Say that dinner parties are just for people that are too lazy to have their supper in front of the television
20:58And the other interesting theories of his I should know about yeah, he says there's no such thing as dry-cleaning
21:03All they do is fold the clothes up neatly put them into polythene bags and hand them back to you
21:10So is he mad or just a bit mad?
21:12Probably comes from hanging around with Tony Tony started the conspiracy theory that President Kennedy wasn't shot
21:17He was just stung by a very vicious beam
21:22Well, they're keeping pretty quiet downstairs
21:24This time of night it could go one of two ways either they'll collapse in an alcoholic coma or start seeing the lady in red
21:31Very unmusically. I must I'm a bit worried about that catering
21:35Should I get some paramedics on standby in case someone tries to eat it?
21:39I'm gonna sit here while you make fun of my ex-boyfriend. Where are you going to sit?
21:44I thought in the comfy chair over there
21:47Well, it must be a relief to go out with someone who's ears don't look like they've been welded on by a drunk Albanian
21:55I
22:00Mean it Jamie leave him alone. Oh, come on. He's unhappy. I never meant for that to happen
22:07Oh
22:22Hello, I thought we agreed on smart casual for this evening
22:28You seem to be edging more into casual casual territory
22:32Where is everybody mate toilet? Yes, that's right. I'm gonna join him in a minute
22:37We're going for the European record for the largest number of people in the toilet at a dinner party
22:42Sorry about me and Jill. We just felt a bit sexy, you know a
22:46Bit sexy, you know now, I'm sorry that doesn't ring any bells
22:51Well, look I'm here now, is there anything I can do to help?
22:54Well, you could try ringing the tablecloth out into that wine box
22:59I'll just sit down here and have a little chat a
23:02I
23:03Need to come here for all life's essentials here. I got a lager a cracker and a broken plastic necklace. What else?
23:12What's in the bag, ah, that's what's left of me and Dorothy a
23:17Cat basket. Yeah, we got that when we rescued a cat and nurtured it back to health and that's the replacement cat
23:23We got when the one we know
23:25Got run down by next door's camper van
23:28Just a few items from a relationship that is no more gotta hand it to you mate taking it really calmly
23:42Excuse me, would you I'm just gonna go out to the shed?
23:54What
23:57So
24:04That's why House of the Rising Sun sounds so crap
24:09Couldn't do that one thing for me. Could you what if you took me then who would have for company?
24:14Ah the ideal chance to find out these these girls are my friends. Well, you obviously prefer friends with staples through their tits
24:23You see actually there are some very interesting short stories and articles surprisingly educational
24:29look just
24:31just
24:32Let me keep the one with Nikki and Kimberly playing snooker
24:39Well, maybe I'm not the one with the problem
24:42Oh
24:48Sorry to interrupt
24:51Don't get up Dorothy and I still have one or two things to divide up. So I thought I'd do it in the fairest possible way
25:00Right down the middle, all right
25:08Shouldn't be such a bastard to put up now, should it?
25:12the kitty-catty basket
25:30Right either Dorothy goes out with me again or Kitty gets it
25:38Okay
25:42I
26:12Be honest with you mate. I've a disappointed if you weren't sir
26:27I'm a bit worried about you mate. Why well, let's face it
26:31You don't go and power saw your bird stuff in the middle of a dinner party. Do you I mean and not unless you're really stressed
26:40Don't worry about me old son. I will survive
26:58Busted a what Jamie? Yeah little piggy eyes. Oh my mate Clive. Yes. No, no
27:05Les no
27:08Tony Blackburn
27:19Women object about all this so much, you know, because it's just women in there
27:25Jill says it makes them look like objects. All right vases
27:29Nonsense
27:31gobblers, right
27:33if women
27:35Could only have either buttocks or breasts. What would you sacrifice?
27:41I'll be very sad to lose me buttocks
27:46Can I have one of each
27:50You want one buttock and one breast let's face it there is some duplication there isn't
27:57On balance you see I'd rather have the breasts
28:01Because you can you can look at them while you're talking to a girl
28:04Whereas with the bottom you see you either have to be around the back or have a photo. That's true
28:09That's true. And you know if you push breasts together, they look a bit like a bottom
28:15Do they
28:17I'll do that then
28:22I'm a wanker
28:24Good luck a goodie. Well, shut down
28:54You