First broadcast 1st July 2005.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Mel Giedroyc
Scott Capurro
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen
Debra Stephenson
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Mel Giedroyc
Scott Capurro
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen
Debra Stephenson
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00-♪♪
00:10-♪♪
00:19Tonight, on 8 Out of 10 Cats,
00:22the Renaissance man, Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen,
00:25the Renaissance woman, Mel Gedroy,
00:29and their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:33And facing them tonight, from Coronation Street,
00:36Debra Stephenson,
00:38from California, Scott Taboro,
00:42and their captain, Sean Locke.
00:46Now, warmly welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:55Welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats,
00:57where we talk about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
01:00Did you know, for example, a staggering 315 entries
01:03in America's Wexford Dictionary are misspelled?
01:06What a bunch of wuck fits.
01:092% of British women describe themselves as sexy.
01:12Yeah, that's about right.
01:1613% of men have spent a night in jail.
01:19Coincidentally, 13% of men have been made love to
01:21on a bunk bed to the sound of a harmonica.
01:25Let's get started.
01:34What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:37We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation
01:39and they've asked the British nation
01:41what they've been talking about this week.
01:43It's our panellists' job to guess the nation's top five
01:45most popular talking points. Dave, your team to go first.
01:47What do you think the nation have been talking about this week?
01:49Is it the identity card bollocks scheme?
01:53Identity scheme bollocks, yes.
01:55It's an immediate reaction originally to combat terrorism
01:58because that's going to work, isn't it, obviously?
02:00If you need an ID card, it's going to wipe it out completely.
02:04Suicide bomber leaving home, locking the front door.
02:06Don't know why he's locking it, to be honest with you.
02:11Have I got everything, Semtex, got the detonator, right,
02:14got the map, got the car keys.
02:16Oh, shit, the identity card.
02:20The way you get one is to go and prove your identity like that
02:22with a passport or a birth certificate.
02:24Yeah.
02:25The two most regularly forged documents in the world.
02:28I mean, it's as simple.
02:30Everyone should have a catchphrase.
02:32You know, it's just like, it's only me?
02:34Come in, Mr Enfield.
02:36Everyone has a little Tim Henman.
02:38Out!
02:39Yes, you're in.
02:45So, what would your catchphrase be?
02:47I think I've almost sort of got one.
02:49I say, well done, you, an awful lot.
02:51Well done, you.
02:52Yeah.
02:53I know why.
02:54Slightly patronising, that, isn't it?
02:55Yeah, a little bit, yeah.
02:56Well done, you.
02:57Off your cock.
02:58Yeah.
02:59He knows that, Sean.
03:00Well done.
03:01Thank you.
03:02OK, shall we have a look and see if ID cards are one of the top five
03:04most talked about things this week?
03:07Yes, they were.
03:08They were the most talked about things.
03:12Sean, over to you.
03:13What do you think the nation's been talking about this week?
03:15Well, I think people are getting very excited about the Live 8
03:18concert in Hyde Park.
03:19I think people are getting very excited.
03:20I was lucky enough to have tickets for it.
03:22Don't go to the toilet when Dido's on,
03:24because there'll be massive queues.
03:29But the thing I didn't know was that,
03:31I know there's gigs going on all over the world,
03:33but all the African artists are doing this special gig in Cornwall.
03:37There's a lot of African people in this country.
03:40I don't think one of them lives in frigging Cornwall.
03:45And I might see the instructions they get you.
03:47Get to Heathrow, come out to the airport,
03:49take a left, and just keep going for about seven hours.
03:53Don't get stuck behind a caravan, you'll never make it.
03:57Bob Geldof said, he said,
03:59I'm not putting African artists on the bill in Hyde Park,
04:01because I think people will switch off.
04:03And I think he's got a very low opinion of us.
04:05What does he think?
04:06An African artist comes on, I go,
04:07Oh, bollocks, there's an African.
04:10Or World's Maddest Waiters on ITV.
04:12I'm not watching that.
04:14It's really odd, though, how saving the world
04:16makes you look like hell, because he looks terrible.
04:19Doesn't he?
04:20You'd think growing green grass and saving starving people
04:22would make you look prettier, better, or something.
04:25But the more he saves the world, the more he looks like Satan.
04:29The G8 protests start next week.
04:31Basically, G8 protests are like Christmas for anarchists.
04:35That's when they get really, whoo-hoo!
04:37Chuck stuff at the police, whoo-hoo!
04:39They get very excited about that.
04:40That's all going to start next week.
04:41So is that different to Live Aid, G8?
04:43Yeah.
04:44I think it's set up.
04:52What do you think, Deborah, are you going to go?
04:54No, I'm not going to go.
04:55I will have it on if I'm allowed, because usually...
04:59If you're allowed.
05:00Well, usually I'm not allowed to put anything that I want on.
05:02It's got to be Thomas the Tank Engine or...
05:04Is your partner a bit slow?
05:09It's two and a half.
05:11Well, let's have a look and see if Live Aid
05:13is one of the most talked-about things this week.
05:17One of the highlights of the Live Aid concert
05:19is set to be Sting singing Every Breath You Take,
05:21a song originally written about how much he misses the notorious B.I.G.
05:28With such an impressive musical line-up,
05:29it is easy to lose sight of what the concert's really about,
05:32starving Africans.
05:33It is a serious problem.
05:35But then again, they don't get our winters.
05:43Dave, over to you.
05:44What else have people been talking about this week?
05:46I was going to say, on a musical theme again,
05:48I think people probably were talking quite a lot about Glastonbury.
05:51I want to know why everybody I know that lives in Glastonbury
05:54calls it Glastonbury,
05:55and everybody who doesn't live in Glastonbury,
05:57who goes there, calls it Glastonbury.
05:59Because they're not as posh.
06:01Posh?
06:02I'm beginning to think that might be the reason.
06:04Don't some people call it Glastonbury?
06:06Glastonbury.
06:07What, you mean the staff?
06:08Yes, the staff.
06:09The sweeping field.
06:12Shall we have a look and see
06:13whether Glastonbury is one of the most talked-about things?
06:15Oh, yes!
06:18Yes, it was.
06:19Glastonbury was the second most talked-about thing this week.
06:21Kate Moss almost got E. coli and dysentery
06:23from the disgusting toilets.
06:24That was before she left Pete Doherty's flat
06:26and went to the festival.
06:29Sean, over to you.
06:30What else have people been talking about?
06:32There was a big deal of papers, wasn't there,
06:34about Diana, some new book about Diana's come out.
06:36The woman who's written the book, was Diana's astrologist, right?
06:39No, I'm sorry, guys, she wasn't an astrologer.
06:41She was an energy healer.
06:42Yes.
06:43Electrician.
06:51Let's see if that was one of the most talked-about things.
06:55Yes, it was the fifth most talked-about thing this week.
06:58Just think, though, if Diana hadn't died,
07:00we wouldn't have that beautiful fountain in Kensington Gardens.
07:02And Paris wouldn't have that beautiful slow-down sign.
07:06Right, no, you've got one more to get.
07:08Fingers on buzzers.
07:09Is it the celebrations of the Battle of Trafalgar?
07:12And they had a big flotilla, armada-type thing in the solo.
07:17The thing about it, I suppose, the thing that everyone noticed,
07:20was that to not offend the French,
07:22they decided, rather than have it between the English and the French,
07:24they had the blue team and the red team.
07:26The idea was so they don't offend the French.
07:28And I think it's a wasted opportunity to offend them.
07:35Wonderful opportunity to offend them.
07:39Because...
07:40Because the French, they like being offended.
07:43All their facial muscles are designed to be offended.
07:49When the battle finished,
07:51half of our boats came back with 50 cases of Stella, didn't they?
07:54Well, I can tell you that the Battle of Trafalgar
07:56was not one of the most talked-about things,
07:58it was actually the seventh most talked-about thing this week.
08:00This week saw the re-enactment of the Battle of Trafalgar
08:02to celebrate its 200-year anniversary.
08:04The re-enactment wasn't a total success,
08:06and I'm sad to report the French have taken Plymouth.
08:10I reckon it could be Big Brother. What does anyone else think?
08:13I don't know, I've been a bit busy this week,
08:16smashing myself in the head with an iron.
08:20I didn't get a chance to catch much of it.
08:23No, I'd lie, actually, I've been entrapped by it this week,
08:26because it's got very, very, very touchy, hasn't it?
08:28But they don't show enough, they show those two,
08:30that straight couple in bed rolling around under that duvet,
08:33but you don't get to see, you just see them like,
08:35you see lumps moving up and down.
08:37No, there's more detail. Oh, really?
08:39There was an elbow going... Oh, right, is that what that was?
08:41Yeah, I was watching very closely indeed.
08:43It's like the porn you get in an Orkney's hotel.
08:47Porn channel, just an elbow coming out of a duvet.
08:50£7.99 for this.
08:54I don't understand why everyone seems to fancy Maxwell so much.
08:58He's got no top lip. Yeah.
09:00He's kind of...
09:04Right, shall we have a look and see
09:06whether Big Brother was one of the most talked about things this week?
09:09Yes, it was.
09:11Yes, it was. It's all heating up in the Big Brother house.
09:13Saskia and Maxwell were both up for eviction this week.
09:16I'm not surprised, they behave like they're the new Posh and Becks.
09:19In fact, they're the new Stuart and Michelle.
09:21Remember them? They were the new Paul and Helen.
09:25Right, well, that's the end of that round.
09:27I can tell you that Dave's team have two points and Sean's have three points.
09:31The next round is called The Poll With A Hole.
09:33We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present,
09:36from around the world and unearthed some fascinating facts.
09:39Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information,
09:42so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
09:44This is from a Harris poll, August 1999.
09:4713% of Americans are afraid of what?
09:50Their own shadow.
09:52Cos it'll be massive.
09:56Jesus! Oh, it's me.
10:00Have you been to America? Yeah.
10:02Did you like it? No.
10:07But, no, I think Americans are really afraid of...
10:11If you can't say it, that's fine.
10:13Is it making love to a woman, Scott?
10:16Is it? Is it?
10:20You know, I have, you know, I've been with a woman.
10:26Yeah, well, I've done loads of blokes.
10:30I think what you're trying to say is that
10:3213% of Americans are afraid of bush.
10:35Yeah.
10:41I think they're afraid of going for a walk.
10:44They drive everywhere.
10:45The only time you see an American out of his car
10:47is when he's chasing a donut going down a hill.
10:51You know, this is feeling very anti-American to me,
10:53this whole part of this.
10:54Look, Scott, I have something to say.
10:56Think of it as friendly fire.
10:57Oh, right.
11:01You were close with bush, you were close with going for a walk.
11:05Going for a walk with the President.
11:08The answer is 30% of Americans are afraid of being alone in a forest.
11:14The other 87% are happily holed up in a log cabin
11:17with an M16 waiting for the federal government to fall.
11:21OK.
11:22Only 7% of builders regularly what?
11:24Pull their pants up.
11:27Only 7% of builders regularly shout,
11:30Oi, darling, I'd like to get to know you as a person.
11:33To you.
11:37Or say, Stuff me, I finished a week early,
11:39I'll give you two grand back.
11:43Is it fall-off ladders?
11:45Because they're thick as shit, aren't they?
11:49There should be a sign at the top of the ladder that says stop.
11:53It's kind of refreshment related.
11:55Come back from lunch.
11:57Turn up sober.
11:59Only 7% of builders regularly take tea breaks.
12:02Most prefer to add all their tea breaks together
12:04and turn up two weeks late.
12:07This is from a police review magazine survey from May 2005.
12:1180% of British police want a what?
12:13Slap.
12:16I don't know. A friend?
12:21I don't know anybody who's got a friend who's a policeman.
12:23An undercover friend. A friend who's an undercover policeman.
12:26Who is he?
12:28What's he called?
12:29I can't say it.
12:30No, no, what's he called?
12:31He's undercover.
12:32No, no, but tell us his name.
12:33Compton.
12:34Compton. Mr Compton.
12:36No, that's his first name. He's really cool as well.
12:38I shouldn't talk too much about him.
12:39He's called Compton?
12:40Yeah, Compton.
12:41Because he's now kicking the telly.
12:44He's in a crack den.
12:47They're watching this. He's going, put down the gun.
12:49You're Compton.
12:54I've actually got a picture of him here. There we go.
12:57I've suddenly remembered. I've got a relation who's a copper.
13:00But he's a mounted copper.
13:05I think I know him.
13:10Sorry, I just got that. Sorry.
13:16OK, 80% of British police want a what?
13:18They want a bigger truncheon.
13:21A gun.
13:22A gun.
13:23Yeah, I'll give you that. It's a stun gun.
13:24Is it?
13:25Yeah.
13:27OK, 62% of British men don't know their partner's what?
13:31A man.
13:34Maybe they don't know their partner's eye colour?
13:36That's a hard one to remember.
13:37I'm just trying to remember if my girlfriend's got eyes.
13:41I'd imagine no.
13:51Pin number.
13:53Yeah, pin number, you're very close.
13:55Phone number. Mobile phone number.
13:57Correct.
14:00Yeah, 62% of British men don't know their partner's mobile telephone number.
14:04I don't need to know my girlfriend's mobile number.
14:06She rings me every six minutes.
14:09Yes, I still love you.
14:12Blind bitch.
14:21So, at the end of that round, it's four points to Dave Seaman,
14:24five points to Sean's team.
14:26It's time now for the League of Nations.
14:28This round is all about comparing us Brits to the rest of the world.
14:31I give each team a statistic relating to another country.
14:33All they have to do is guess if Britain came higher or lower in the same survey.
14:37Dave, it's your team to go first. Have a look at this.
14:41You had a reputation for knocking over a lot of girls.
14:43Scream.
14:44Yeah.
14:46And, to put it delicately, yes.
14:48Terry, I like screaming, all right?
14:54All right. So, what do you do with your time these days?
14:56Scream.
14:57I see.
14:58Ladies and gentlemen, George Best.
15:03That was, of course, the greatest living Irishman, Terry Wogan,
15:06interviewing George Best to illustrate the Irish.
15:08And my question is, the Irish spend 21 minutes on foreplay.
15:12Do Britons spend more or less time than that?
15:14I'm just a bit confused. When does foreplay start?
15:17When do you start the stopwatch? When officially does it start?
15:20I think starting the stopwatch often ruins the mood.
15:24Depends whether it includes my 15 minutes of begging.
15:28Pleading.
15:30Does it include getting your credit card checked and everything?
15:36I put the Irish take 21 minutes because, well, you can't rush a Guinness, can you?
15:41They also love the crack.
15:44It's probably the West, do you think?
15:47I think it might.
15:4821 minutes? That's a long time. That's 40 minutes a month.
15:54So, what do you think, Dave? What are you going to go for?
15:56Less.
15:57Well, in fact, the Brits not only spend more time than the Irish,
15:59but also more time than any other nation.
16:01We spend an incredible 23 minutes on foreplay.
16:04We're clearly too emotionally repressed to ask for sex,
16:06so we keep beating round the bush.
16:09APPLAUSE
16:15What nation do you think spent the least amount of time?
16:17Swiss.
16:18The Swiss.
16:19I bet they timed it beautifully, though, didn't they?
16:24The Americans. One yank and they're off.
16:30Well, in fact, the population of Thailand came bottom of the poll,
16:33spending just 11.5 minutes on foreplay.
16:36We love you long time. Indeed.
16:39Sean, here's your clip.
16:41The security and prosperity of America are at stake.
16:48I actually did vote for the 8.7 million.
16:52It is a choice.
16:59Well, Sean, that was a clip of President Bush
17:01boring a child to tears in the crowd at the White House last year.
17:04My question is, 23% of American children
17:06dream of being their country's leader.
17:08Do you think a higher or lower percentage of UK kids
17:10dream of being the Prime Minister?
17:12Well, I don't know.
17:13I'm assuming, in America,
17:15they don't have the same type of careers officers
17:17you have in this country.
17:18If you go and see a careers officer in this country
17:20and you say something like,
17:21yeah, I'll be Prime Minister, they go...
17:23You know, the new Tesco's up round the road there, yeah?
17:26Taking on all sorts.
17:28But the thing about...
17:29I don't think they really think this through, kids,
17:31cos I wouldn't want to be Prime Minister,
17:33cos he's got four houses.
17:34It's a nightmare, isn't it?
17:35Cos you're at Chequers, going for a swim,
17:37and you go, oh, left me with goggles at number 10.
17:41I know it doesn't sound that bad when I say it out loud.
17:46I think Sherry Blair has turned off a lot of kids
17:48about wanting to be Prime Minister.
17:50I don't think you'd have to keep his wife.
17:52Oh.
17:54I mean, if you were Prime Minister,
17:55you'd think he'd find a hot wife.
17:57He can have any women he wants,
17:59and he gets stuck with a cartoon character of his.
18:02Yeah, the Prime Minister can get any woman he wants.
18:04He can.
18:05All the fine poontang love the Prime Minister.
18:07You have to see him driving down the street,
18:09going, hey, guess who I am?
18:12Get in the back.
18:13I mean, he can be Prime Minister, ladies.
18:16But back to the question.
18:19Do a higher or lower percentage of UK kids
18:21want to be the Prime Minister?
18:22I'd say it's lower.
18:23Well, you are right.
18:24Only 8% of kids dream of being Prime Minister.
18:26The percentage was much higher in America,
18:28primarily because of the American dream.
18:30America, where any humble son of a billionaire
18:32can one day get his daddy's old job.
18:36So at the end of that round,
18:37it's five points to Dave's team,
18:38and six points to Sean's team.
18:43And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
18:45I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls
18:47and surveys.
18:48It's up to them to buzz in
18:49and tell me who or what they think came top.
18:51Here's your first one.
18:53Best way to avoid talking to someone on a plane.
18:56As soon as a flight starts,
18:57ask them if they have a personal relationship with Jesus.
19:01Or, what I always do, is play an imaginary trombone.
19:07Or just put a blanket over your head and go...
19:15Just look them in the eye and say,
19:17shut the fuck up.
19:22If you start reading, they leave you alone, usually.
19:24That's the right answer.
19:25Yeah.
19:28Yes, the best way to avoid talking to someone on a plane
19:30is reading.
19:31I think something light is normally best,
19:32maybe an al-Qaeda pamphlet.
19:34This is from a survey featured in The Observer
19:36from December 2004.
19:38Kids' favourite thing in the world.
19:41Is it an uncle with Tourette's?
19:48I think it could be teachers with suggestive names, I think.
19:51I think it is, because when I was a kid in high school,
19:53our principal's name was Dildar Treadway.
19:57I got a lot of mileage out of that.
19:59Crying in the pub.
20:02The kid in the pub, he was there crying, crying, crying.
20:05I went over and I said,
20:07have you smacked this child?
20:09And she said, no.
20:10And I said, why not?
20:17Kids' favourite thing in the world is fame.
20:21Andy Warhol, of course, said
20:22everyone would be famous for 15 minutes.
20:24Girls are allowed to have cheated
20:25by adding all their 15 minutes together.
20:29This one's from a survey by Orange from June 2003.
20:31A fictional character women would most like to meet.
20:35Is it Big Dick Shagger?
20:39From when good nuns go bad.
20:44You've never seen a porno, have you, Dave?
20:47That's world class.
20:49Is it Dr. Alan Love Softly?
20:51From the Mills and Bloom novel Hospital of Love.
20:54Oh, I've read that one.
20:55It's lovely, isn't it?
20:56Every fireball from Alan's rigid cannon.
20:58It's that one, innit?
21:01Exploded like molten lava
21:03inside Pamela's fluttering love purse.
21:07I reckon Mr. Darcy.
21:09You're right.
21:10Thank you very much.
21:15Yes, the fictional character women
21:17would most like to meet is Mr. Darcy.
21:19We know him best from the TV series Pride and Prejudice,
21:21which has also been made into a book.
21:26Footballer's most common superstition.
21:29Tie your shoelaces together.
21:30That's quite unlucky.
21:33Is it don't eat a whole chicken just before the game?
21:36With all the trimmings.
21:38Don't pee into a test tube just before the game.
21:42Two in the bed, nothing said.
21:45Add one more, you're on page four.
21:47I don't know.
21:50You're along the right lines with sex.
21:53Don't have sex before a game.
21:54Correct.
21:57Yes, footballer's most common superstition
21:59is no sex before the big game.
22:01This is a long tradition thought to have been started
22:03by Peter Beardsley's wife.
22:11Well, that sound tells me that it's the end of the round
22:13and the end of this evening's competition.
22:15The final scores are as follows.
22:17Dave's team have eight points, Sean's team have eight points.
22:19It's a dead heat, everyone's a winner.
22:23Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
22:25and to all of you at home for watching.
22:27That's all from us, goodnight.
22:43APPLAUSE