First broadcast 17th June 2005.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Lee Mack
Claudia Winkleman
Eamonn Holmes
Alan Carr
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Lee Mack
Claudia Winkleman
Eamonn Holmes
Alan Carr
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, Staying Up Late, Aime And Home, The Return Of The Mask, Lee
00:28Mask, And Their Leader, Dave Spikey, And Facing Them Tonight, Come Dancing, It's Claudia Winkleman,
00:39Funny Man, Alan Carr, And Their King, Sean Locke, Ladies And Gentlemen, Your Host, Jimmy
00:53Carr.
00:55Good evening, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
01:00Did you know, for example, 89% of 11-year-olds have mobile phones?
01:05Doesn't surprise me, one of the little bastards has got mine.
01:09Apparently, we use only 2% of the English language available in everyday conversation.
01:14I find that statistic utterly imperictobulous.
01:19And on average, the human brain can only remember four things at any one time.
01:23Keys, wallet, bags, phone.
01:26Who am I?
01:28Right, let's get started.
01:37What are you talking about?
01:38That's the name of our first round.
01:40We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:46It's our panellists' job to guess Britain's top five most popular talking points.
01:50Dave.
01:51Well, I'm going out on a limb here, and it's an American thing, I don't know if you saw it.
01:55Michael Jackson.
01:56Michael who, sorry?
01:57Michael Jackson, the pop singer, was acquitted of all charges.
02:01They said the defence was very good, very strong.
02:03They blamed it on the sunshine, blamed it on the moonlight.
02:07Blamed it on the boogie.
02:09It's a lot of speculation, though, isn't it?
02:11Where does he go from here?
02:12Where's his future lie?
02:13And there is speculation that he's coming to England, and he's made for Panto, the guy.
02:18Well, he actually is.
02:19It's all fairy tales, it's all Never Neverland, it's all that.
02:21He's made for Panto.
02:22A small part in Aladdin would suit him, just to get him started.
02:28Does he need a ring, maybe?
02:29He's behind you!
02:35But I know you think when he said, he said, no more boys in my bed, that's quite an astonishing...
02:40You know, very rarely in your life do you ever need to say that sentence again.
02:44It's a bit like, it's a bit like someone who's got off, like, a bank robbery charge, going,
02:48I'll tell you what, I won't be hanging around the town centre with a shotgun and a balaclava anymore.
02:53Did you see him when they were saying that, er, is Michael Jackson wearing a wig?
02:58I'm afraid when you've got a face like that, does it matter?
03:02How about a bad wig?
03:03Hardly going to spoil the look.
03:06Do you know when he got home, he just went, oh, thank God for that.
03:15What do you reckon about his wife, though, Debbie Rowe, when she's...
03:18That's just so weird, the trial, I mean, when she went in, they went,
03:21oh, he's a great father, what a role model.
03:23Did you get the impression that the real Debbie Rowe was, like, locked in a cupboard, going, eh, eh?
03:30He went down to Seven Stone during the trial, which is actually lighter than most kids.
03:35They're not American kids.
03:36No.
03:41Eamon, what do you think's next for Michael Jackson?
03:43Some sort of job on GMTV, maybe.
03:46Leave this one going.
03:49I'd love to see that, little Michael on the sofa.
03:53He should bring out a single call, no more boys in bed.
03:58And then he should have loads of old men in his bed.
04:06Let's have a look and see where Michael Jackson came in terms of the most talked about things this week.
04:14What a surprise.
04:15The most talked about thing this week was the Michael Jackson trial.
04:18Almost 94% of people were talking about Michael Jackson.
04:21Most were saying, hang on, sorry, it's a terrible line, did you say not guilty?
04:26A lot of people think the case was about race.
04:28Typical, the rich white guy always gets off.
04:34Sean, over to you, what do you think people have been talking about this week?
04:36Well, about Mike Tyson giving up boxing to become a wedding planner.
04:39Which you get most of your news from Take a Break magazine.
04:43Sorry to interrupt, do you know when they reported it to Evander Olivefield, they went to him and said,
04:47Tyson's given up, and he went, no.
04:49They said, yeah, he's actually given up, and he went, I can't believe me either.
04:54I can tell you it wasn't in the top five, it was the 19th most talked about thing this week.
04:58Mike Tyson has announced this week that he wants to quit boxing.
05:00He said that he wants to become a Christian missionary.
05:03They were asked to make the sign of the cross, he said, argh.
05:09Right, Dave, Lee and Eamon, what have people been talking about this week?
05:12Is it the honours list?
05:14Yeah, it is the honours list.
05:15I woke up last week and it said, genial Irish breakfast host made a sir.
05:20I died hell after that.
05:22How did Brian May get this far, do we know?
05:24Services to Anita Dobson.
05:27I used to like it when normal people got OBEs.
05:30Do you remember, like, you know, lollipop ladies and, like, toilet attendants?
05:33That was nice, weren't it?
05:35Because you imagine it really going to the red light,
05:37Sheila, that toilet's blocked.
05:39Dame, Sheila.
05:44That's a lot more Rod Hull than a toilet cleaner.
05:49Sean, who would you give an honours to?
05:51Michelle McManus, make her a dame.
05:53Thank you.
05:55Am I being thicc here, who's Michelle McManus?
05:57She won Pop Idol, she's an enormous whale of a girl.
06:01She's lost six stone.
06:03Lost six stone, that's like throwing a deck chair off the Titanic.
06:11She's lost six stone.
06:13She's taken a dump.
06:16Yes!
06:19Right, let's have a look if the Queen's honours is one of our most talked about things.
06:26Yes, this week the Queen's birthday honours were announced.
06:29Of course, the Queen has two birthdays a year,
06:31which goes some way towards explaining why she looks so old.
06:35OK, you've got three more to get. Fingers on buzzers.
06:39Prince Harry at Sandhurst.
06:41Yes, so this is the story of a Sun journalist breaking into Sandhurst
06:44with a fake bomb.
06:46The thing is, they're always doing this, aren't they?
06:48The tabloids, The Sun and The Mirror,
06:50they're constantly trying to breach security arrangements.
06:52And I imagine every time Al-Qaeda read it,
06:54they just go, ah, I wish we'd thought of that.
07:00Claudia, are you worried about Harry's safety?
07:02Yes.
07:04I was undecided.
07:06It was 50, well, yes, a little.
07:08You haven't thought about it, have you?
07:10No.
07:12They said they took a fake bomb in there,
07:14which basically is anything, isn't it?
07:16A brush is a fake bomb, isn't it?
07:20Well, let's have a look and see if this was one of the most talked about things this week.
07:25Oh, yes.
07:26Yes, it was.
07:28This is the story of a Sun journalist who smuggled a fake bomb into Sandhurst.
07:31Harry was initially excited.
07:33He thought they'd smuggled in a bong.
07:36Is it the story about people trying to sell,
07:39the ticket touts trying to sell on eBay the Live 8 tickets?
07:41Yes.
07:43Because I was disgusted by that, as everybody was.
07:45What, did you bid?
07:47I wouldn't bid, honestly.
07:49I was disgusted.
07:51Bob Geldof said, boycott it for a week,
07:53but they backtracked, so I didn't bother.
07:55But at one point, I was going to get my snuff movies
07:57and my ivory chess set from somewhere else.
07:59When you say a snuff movie, it's some old bloke going...
08:02Just going, bloody weather.
08:06Let's have a look and see whether the Live 8 eBay ticket fiasco
08:09was one of our most talked about stories.
08:11Oh, yes.
08:13Yes.
08:15The second most talked about thing this week.
08:17You've got one more to guess.
08:19Is it by any chance the world debt?
08:21Tell me more.
08:23Well, they're going to reduce the world debt.
08:25The Western world is going to reduce the African debt,
08:28and it's going to work out to about a pound per person per year, right?
08:33Which I thought, that's quite good, isn't it?
08:35Pound? I'm quite happy to give that to Solve.
08:37But then they said, for ten years.
08:39I was thinking, that's ten pounds, isn't it?
08:43Oh, how tight are the Northerns?
08:45How pompous are the Southerners?
08:49Not very pompous at all.
08:58Well, shall we have a look and see whether the debt cancellation
09:01is one of our top five talked about stories?
09:07Yes, I can tell you that the G8 leaders have pledged
09:10to drop $40 billion worth of debt.
09:12Well, they haven't actually cancelled the debt.
09:14What they've done is they've consolidated it
09:16into one easy monthly payment.
09:19Rwanda gets a charming carriage clock.
09:22Don't worry, Chad, no salesman will call.
09:25At the end of that round, Sean, Alan and Claudia have no points,
09:29and Dave, Lee and Eamonn have five points.
09:35The next round is called the poll with a hole.
09:38We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present,
09:40from around the world, and unearthed some fascinating facts.
09:43Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information,
09:46so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
09:49Question number one.
09:50This is from a survey by Mother and Baby magazine
09:53from June 2005.
09:5550% of British dads are what?
09:57Kiting the dares till the kids leave home.
10:02Are your kids going to be watching this?
10:0550% of British dads are crap at putting shelves up.
10:09Because I am.
10:10My wife said, put some shelves up,
10:12and I went, no, you'll want them straight and everything.
10:17I'm not proud of this, I went to the library to get a DIY boot,
10:19and I said to the one behind the counter,
10:21I said, have you got any boots on shelves?
10:23She went...
10:3150% of dads are suing Durex.
10:37Not necessarily Durex, it could be any of the rubber johnny manufacturers.
10:42There's a new promotion for it, I don't know if you've seen it,
10:44in the chemist at the moment, it's a brand new promotion,
10:46it's for condoms, and it says, no, new shape.
10:49What new shape?
10:52Is that because it's Sellafield?
10:55I'll give you a clue, it's something to do with having babies.
10:58Tired, sleepy.
11:00Claudia, you said sleepy.
11:01Sleepy, tired, exhausted.
11:02I'm going to give you a point,
11:03it is in fact 50% of British dads are sleep deprived.
11:10Well, they have to wake up three times a night to tell their wives,
11:13it's crying again.
11:16Sean's team, this is from research carried out by the Department of Psychology
11:20at the University of Texas from June this year.
11:22Men consistently find women with what the most attractive?
11:26Is it Rod Stewart?
11:31He's often got a charming young lady on his arm.
11:35Big kids, low self-esteem.
11:39Is it GPS?
11:44Oval satellite positioning.
11:46Is it with a naked twin sister?
11:48That would get a thumbs up, wouldn't it?
11:50It certainly would.
11:57Do you know what it might be?
11:58Go on.
11:59A degree.
12:00A degree?
12:01Yeah.
12:02Oh, so naive.
12:06Nor teeth.
12:10No, men consistently find women with a weight to height ratio
12:13of between 0.68 and 0.8 the most attractive.
12:17I was going to say that.
12:19That roughly translates as not the stocky ones.
12:24Dave, Eamon and Lee, this next one is from a poll by the Health Development Agency
12:28from January this year.
12:2960% of drivers think what is a good idea?
12:32Oh, those chevrons on the motorway.
12:35Have you seen those?
12:36It's a road safety thing, you've got to keep two chevrons from the car in front.
12:40It's not, it's wrong.
12:41Why?
12:42I nearly killed myself trying to keep up with a Porsche last week.
12:45It's going 150 and I'm like, this can't be right, this can't be safe.
12:51Is it 60% of drivers think that driving with your knees whilst eating against a spastic?
12:57It's the only way to do it.
12:59One underneath, one to cup for the small bits of potato.
13:03I'm not wasting that, I'd rather risk my life.
13:11Is it...
13:12No.
13:13Is it playing lullabies and having a pillow?
13:17Is it driving past a little chef?
13:22Is it 60% of drivers think that kids doing that thumbs up thing is OK?
13:25Because it gets right on my bloody nerves.
13:27When you're driving behind a car and a kid's like that.
13:31I do that, I go like that.
13:34Show your mum.
13:35Show your mum.
13:42OK, I can tell you it's something that you would expect drivers not to like.
13:47Speed cameras.
13:49Eamon, you're brilliant, you got it.
13:54Every week there seems to be another statistic.
13:56I mean, I don't know if you saw, like, 63% of kids now have underage sex,
14:00yet last month 72 were obese.
14:02So who's shagging these fat kids?
14:06You all right, mate?
14:11So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean's team have two points
14:14and Dave's team are in the lead with seven.
14:18Join us after the break when we'll be finding out if Abu Hamza would make a good James Bond
14:23and what Britain's favourite smell is.
14:25APPLAUSE
14:33Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
14:35Our next round is face-off, a head-to-head challenge between our two team captains.
14:39Sean and Dave have six well-known faces in front of them.
14:41Michael Jackson, Abu Hamza, Kate Moss, John Prescott,
14:45the late Mother Teresa of Calcutta and the entire population of France.
14:50We asked the British public to rank these people on a series of questions.
14:53All Sean and Dave have to do is guess who came top.
14:56OK, Sean, this is to you. Who would be most likely to steal a handbag?
15:01Abu Hamza wouldn't, would he? Cos he, you know, he hasn't got any hands.
15:06He'd have no need for it, would he?
15:08Probably need a bag of hands.
15:14Michael Jackson, I don't think he needs the aggro at the moment, you know?
15:18I think he's going to lie low for a while.
15:21The French. Of course, the entire population of France.
15:23They'd be most likely to nick a handbag.
15:26Cos he's bound to have a couple of wrong ones.
15:29Bound to. Dave, who are you going to go for?
15:31I would have gone with the French, but I can't know.
15:33They are generally untrustworthy, I find.
15:38Abu Hamza probably does it accidentally, probably doesn't mean to do it.
15:42Sorry, have it back.
15:46Lads?
15:47Mother Teresa.
15:48Mother Teresa.
15:49No.
15:50I'm very confident. Mark, why is that?
15:51Robbing bitch.
15:54That's a facade, all that religious stuff.
15:57That tea towel's not hers.
16:01I'm going to go Abu Hamza.
16:02You're going Abu Hamza.
16:04The entire population of France got 12%.
16:06Abu Hamza was the top answer. 47% of people think it's...
16:12We asked the public, who would you most like to take a bath with?
16:15Well, Hamza is not going to get much of a lather up with hooks.
16:20Jackson, I think he'd be intimidated by my adult genitalia.
16:28I don't think he'd feel very comfortable around that.
16:29Who are you going to go for?
16:30I'll go for Kate Moss.
16:32Dave, who are you going to go for?
16:35Abu Hamza, he'd be...
16:36You know at the end when you've got all that hair in the plughole?
16:39He'd get that out, couldn't he? Quite easily.
16:42I'd like to see his knob.
16:46Really?
16:51You just don't know, he might have a corkscrew, you don't know.
16:57I think Abu Hamza would be great because what you could do is you could put loads of those plastic ducks in and he might win you a goldfish.
17:08Dave, who would you most like to take a bath with?
17:09I'll have the entire population of France.
17:11Well, the entire population of France is the second most popular answer, 18%, but Kate Moss, 63%.
17:16Top answer, you get the points.
17:20Dave, we asked the British public, who do you think would make the best James Bond?
17:26Who do you think got the most votes?
17:28A few contenders here. Abu Hamza, Dr. Norfinger.
17:32Jackson's got his best workies undercover, perhaps you could say.
17:38He could entice women back to his bedroom.
17:41Get between the sheets.
17:43Who's that playing the game by there? It's alright.
17:48Next to the monkey, next to the monkey. Alright, just kidding.
17:52I don't know, best James Bond. Any ideas, team?
17:57Abu Hamza could do for your eye only.
18:01John Prescott, smooth, suave, sophisticated, elegant, charisma, Anakin, punch.
18:07We would go, our team, with John Prescott.
18:10Okay, Sean, what do you think?
18:12Well, the entire population of France, you say?
18:15Yeah, all of them.
18:17Well, I think they'd have trouble sneaking up on people.
18:22Make a bit of noise.
18:24Smell them a mile off, wouldn't you?
18:25Imagine 60 million.
18:27Do you want to watch a scene? Check in with them.
18:28Oh, yes, I forgot about them. Hello.
18:29Hi.
18:30Hi, you alright?
18:31Yeah, it's alright, fine here. A bit lonely.
18:33Can I put forward, I think Kate Moss could be Janine Bond.
18:37Yeah, but Janine, that's like someone who works in Greggs.
18:41Janine.
18:42Oh, Janine.
18:45Oh, Goldfinger, we meet at last.
18:49Kate Moss.
18:50Okay, you go for Kate Moss.
18:51I can tell you, Kate Moss got 17% of the vote, but Prescott got 39% of the vote.
18:57Number one answer.
18:58Number one answer.
19:01Frankly, I'm amazed Abu Hamza got 8% of the vote there.
19:05You pretty much have to rewrite the character.
19:07James Bond, he's suave, debonair, no hands, one eye.
19:12Shaken, not stirred.
19:13And can I have that in a cup with a handle, please?
19:17So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean's team have four points and Dave's have ten points.
19:29And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
19:32I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls,
19:34and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
19:37Here's your first one.
19:38This is from a poll featured in the Glasgow Daily Record from September 2004.
19:42Britain's favourite smell.
19:45Is it a burning Frenchman?
19:51Bacon.
19:52Or, freshly born rabbits.
19:55Freshly born?
19:56What?
19:59Oh, wait.
20:03Hang on a second.
20:04Bacon, or, and this is part of the same guess,
20:07freshly born rabbits.
20:10If you go into a pet shop and they have rabbits and they're just born,
20:13ooh, lovely.
20:14And they're so tiny.
20:16And they're so small and they've got such sweet little ears.
20:21What you've done is you've answered a question about Britain's favourite smell,
20:23and what I've got from your answer was,
20:26she'd be a nightmare girlfriend.
20:29APPLAUSE
20:32It's interesting, isn't it, what comes across.
20:36It's not, little baby rabbits.
20:40Is it a kebab at three o'clock in the morning?
20:42Oh, yes.
20:43But when you walk past it during the day, you go,
20:45look at that shit, I wouldn't eat that.
20:48At three o'clock in the morning, oh, yes.
20:50OK, I'll give you a clue.
20:51It is a meal.
20:54Sunday roast or something like that.
20:56Correct.
20:57Oh!
21:01Yes, Britain's favourite smell is roast dinner.
21:04OK, this is a poll commissioned by Grolsch Lager in 2000.
21:07Things to do before you die.
21:10Angelina Jolie.
21:16Is it punch a dolphin?
21:20It's not punch a dolphin, no.
21:22Is it go swimming with them and then just give them a little jab?
21:28Yeah, I think so, they've just missed it off mine, yeah.
21:31Stick your finger in the hole and carry it round like a six-pack.
21:35Yes, the most popular thing to do before you die is swim with dolphins.
21:39Friendliest town in Britain.
21:41Ooh.
21:43I'd say Cockermouth. I've never been.
21:48If that's how they got their name, though, it's a fair bet, isn't it?
21:51It's worth a trip. It's worth a trip out, isn't it?
21:53Yeah, same applies to Oldham.
21:56Belfast, Glasgow, Newcastle, Liverpool.
21:59Everyone's talking about pop music.
22:03I think it's Bolton.
22:04You're absolutely right, it is Bolton.
22:09London just missed out on the top ten friendliest places in Britain,
22:12coming in at 948.
22:14Just behind the island from The Wicker Man.
22:21Well, that sound tells me that it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
22:24which means the final scores are Sean's team have six points
22:26and Dave is our winner with 15 points.
22:32Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
22:35and all of you watching at home.
22:37Goodbye.
22:42In a moment on Ford, Davina says the magic words,
22:45she's coming to get Sam, Big Brother, next.
22:54APPLAUSE