Illa Smyth shares her heartbreaking story

KentOnline / KMTV

Transcript

00:00My name is Isla Smythe, I'm an Asian lady born in England, but I consider myself Asian,

00:18I just consider myself English. I'm lucky enough to be married to Ackland Smythe, who

00:24is a Kentish man, who courted me and married me and brought me to beautiful Kent, the Garden

00:30of England, which I still think it still is. So many trees and beautiful wilderness, countryside,

00:37which I haven't seen for a long time but I'd like to. What would you like me to say? I've

00:43been housebound for what it feels like forever, I've got arthritis, gout, asthma, I'm incontinent,

00:53I get depressed and sometimes I think suicide is a good option. If it wasn't for the fact

00:58that my husband's here I would have taken that option. Why am I still here? That's a

01:03good question. I suppose it's because my husband is determined to keep me alive, where I wish

01:08I was dead every time I wake up every morning thinking, oh God, another day in this square

01:12box. You know you see points of the compass, yesterday I had to explain to one of these

01:17reporters how I live and I said North, South, East and West and I realised that's a compass,

01:23everybody has one in their life, whether you're a sailor, you're a soldier or whatever, you

01:27go to work, you go home, you go to go and see your friends, your family, your church

01:30or whatever. Well in my house, where I'm sleeping now, that's my bed, that's where I also get

01:36washed. I know we're in 20, is it 20? 24. There you go. Now you're going to think, why

01:46don't I know the date? Because telling me what date it is doesn't make a sodding difference

01:51from yesterday, tomorrow or the day before. Because today, next month and the next month

01:56and the year after that are going to be exactly the same. I'm still going to be in the same

02:00position doing the same old goddamn thing. Relying on other people who lost your dignity

02:04a long time ago. When somebody else is wiping your bottom and putting a nappy on you because

02:08you're incontinent, believe me there's nothing, your dignity's gone, you're lucky you're having

02:15somebody to help you. And you think to yourself, is this the way you want to live? Yeah? This

02:20isn't how I wanted to live. This isn't what I pictured for myself. I pictured for myself

02:25that I'd always be able to be independent, I'd work hard, I'd strive to be a good person

02:31and I'm with the man I love and I'm lucky enough to have that. I didn't want to be wealthy,

02:35I didn't want to be famous or anything like this. I just wanted to be with somebody I

02:38know I love and grow old together. We've done all the things you're supposed to do. You're

02:43being honest, you work hard and you think to yourself, if you need help it's there,

02:48but it's not. And the old fashioned thing of, oh you're going to have plenty of friends

02:53and family. I've got family, I've got friends and everybody, they forget you. You're like

03:05an old postcard that people send and after a while they don't send postcards to that

03:09person and they think, oh I haven't seen them in ages, it doesn't matter. They don't invite

03:13you to weddings, they don't invite you to christenings, birthdays, religious events

03:16because they think, oh I can't be bothered with that person. And when you do occasionally

03:20turn up they think, oh she's still alive is she? And I thought to myself, am I really

03:24that old? No I'm not that old. I'm not as old as 60 and I'm not as old as 40 anymore.

03:31But when I turned 40 I stopped counting because I thought, what is the point of counting?

03:35Next year I hope I'm dead. For the simple reason I don't want to carry on living like

03:38this. Every year I don't bother counting my birthday. Yeah, I don't bother counting

03:43what's going to happen next month. In a few days time it's my husband's birthday and I'm

03:47supposed to look forward to this. Normally I would have baked a cake 20 years ago, I

03:52would have got him presents, I would have been planning ahead. Now I'm dreading that

03:56because I can't, I haven't got the time, effort or the coordination to get my hands to do

04:01what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to give instructions to somebody else who can do that

04:05and the words aren't coming out right sometimes. So when you're saying to somebody, I want

04:12you to put three tablespoons of something in and it's turned out to be, instead of teaspoons

04:19it was tablespoons. You can imagine what the cake tasted like, it was terrible. Well it

04:24didn't matter, it was a laugh and a joke, we all laughed and joked about it. But inside

04:28I was dying because I thought to myself, it's a little bit of your brain that's going. Yeah

04:32because you don't exercise it, you don't use it. You're able to talk to yourself, you

04:36can say whatever you want to the rest of the world but nobody's listening. When my husband

04:43comes home at the end of the day, I've got to put a smile on my face and say to him,

04:47yes darling I've had a lovely day, it's alright. And inside I think to myself, why did this

04:51poor devil love me enough to stay with me? He could have had a chance at anything in

04:56the world and he was settled with me and I don't give him any hope but he still loves

05:01me. God knows why. So you want to know what I live like? This is how I live. We're living

05:12in this day and age and I wash with a bucket of hot water, a flannel and soap and they

05:18still did that before the war and I'm still doing that today. So tell me what's changed

05:23from then and now? Nothing. We've got all this technology but nothing has changed. The

05:29more we get more technology, the less we seem to care about somebody else. So I'm here

05:34to tell you, no matter what happens next door, ask yourself what's happening in that house

05:39next door or across the road because you don't know what's happening in that house. We don't

05:44care what's happening in that house because we're alright in our own house. We're selfish

05:48and we're greedy and I'm exactly the same. I want to be selfish, I want to be greedy.

05:53I want to get up tomorrow or the day after and go into a shower and have a wash by myself.

05:58I want to have some independence. I want to go outside and see what the sky looks like.

06:03I want to know what it's like outside where you don't have to see your husband struggling

06:07to push a wheelchair and think, oh my god, am I going to kill him? Yeah, because he's

06:11struggling to push my weight because I weigh so much. And you're thinking, well, it's simple,

06:15go on a diet, lose some weight, it's not a problem. I've got arthritis in my joints and

06:22I've got gout, I've got asthma, I've got eczema. They're giving you these new injections,

06:29what I call a shotgun, they're supposed to help reduce the weight. Apparently they're

06:34supposed to be fantastic. Oh yes, they're really fantastic. I'm sure they are wonderful.

06:39Have they made much difference in my life? I don't know. You tell me. This is what my

06:43trousers used to be like, yeah? There's a bit of gap here. The joke is Alan says they're

06:48like clown trousers. You could put a hoop in there and you'd be fine. Somebody else

06:51could fit in there. I don't know. How much weight I'm going to lose? God knows. Will

06:56it make a difference? You tell me. I'm lying here in bed and everything aches. It's the

07:00middle of the day, it's what, 3.15? I've got two hot water bottles keeping me warm at the

07:06moment because my arthritis is killing me. No amount of painkillers are going to take

07:10care of that. Is that going to change tomorrow, next year? No, it's still going to be there.

07:16What I'd like to change is that I go to bed at night and not wake up in the morning. That's

07:20what I would like. I'm sorry I've had enough.

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