How Long Have They Dated? Expert Body Language Analysis

WIRED

WIRED challenged body language experts Joe Navarro, Anne-Maartje Oud, and Abbie Marono to observe 5 couples on dates—and guess how long each pair had been together.

Transcript

00:00 Oh, can you pause it there?

00:01 She put her purse next to the guy.

00:03 So she's coming closer towards his proximity.

00:06 Putting an object near somebody would not be happening on a first date.

00:09 And a trust signal too, because it's her wallet.

00:11 These three body language experts

00:16 will watch these five couples going on dates.

00:19 Can they guess accurately how long these couples have been dating

00:24 based only on their body language?

00:28 Let's begin.

00:30 What is intriguing to me is on footage one, the bag is on her chair

00:44 and she's very close.

00:46 There's a lot of close behavior.

00:48 And the guy as well doesn't look very comfortable.

00:51 So I would have to actually disagree with you that we're seeing discomfort.

00:54 And number one, she's crossing her arms and making herself small.

00:58 Yes. But she's also mirroring her partner who's doing the same.

01:02 They're coming together.

01:03 I think that they're actually really comfortable in each other's space.

01:06 I see a lot of reserved behavior there.

01:13 In number one, she is covering her ventral side.

01:18 He's sort of stoic with his arms crossed.

01:21 And I would want to look at more information.

01:24 Trying to discern from a video

01:28 how long people have known each other, how long they've dated.

01:31 That's really tough. Humans are very complex.

01:33 Any behavior that you see at any moment is really driven by context.

01:38 Number five was interesting because they were so animated

01:43 and they seemed to be in tune with each other.

01:45 Though they've not actually physically touched,

01:47 we can see there's a lot of closeness.

01:50 One of the most well-supported indicators of interpersonal closeness

01:55 is the degree of nonverbal mimicry between partners.

01:58 I want to see how close people get to each other,

02:01 how comfortable they are in each other's space.

02:03 There's so much mirroring behavior.

02:04 They lean towards each other and they're smiling at the same time.

02:08 Kind of like a movement dance going on the whole time.

02:12 When you see a lot of mirroring behaviors, you tend to think,

02:15 OK, they've been together for quite a while.

02:18 It's not a first date.

02:20 Yeah.

02:21 What I'm seeing here with number three is a direct contrast.

02:26 There's a lot of self-soothing displays.

02:28 She was literally grabbing the table.

02:30 My strategy would be to really focus on the details.

02:33 What are they doing with their hands, doing with their gestures?

02:36 Maybe they will touch objects to pacify themselves.

02:39 But that was a very specific behavior that stood out,

02:41 that she grabbed the table like that.

02:43 To me, that could be a comfortable moment.

02:45 I see the man here, he's doing a lot with his hands.

02:49 It seems to be a lot of nervousness.

02:51 When I look at their legs, especially the woman here,

02:54 her legs are tucked underneath her body and wrapped together.

02:56 She's not feeling negative so much because we're seeing some smiles here.

03:01 But in the lower body, I am seeing some discomfort

03:03 that this might be the first date.

03:05 This is a direct contrast to what we're seeing in number two.

03:07 Rather than withdrawing into themselves,

03:10 they're actually taking up each other's space very comfortably.

03:13 This maybe isn't a long-term marriage

03:16 because there seems to be a lot of flirting going on,

03:19 which does tend to die off as their relationship ages

03:22 because there's less need to show attraction.

03:26 So we see some flirting going on.

03:31 We're seeing lots of kind of coy smiles here on number four.

03:35 The opposite side, we see some finger-picking.

03:39 When people are trait-anxious rather than dispositionally anxious,

03:44 you see lots of picking of the fingers.

03:46 The person on the right, they still have their hands low between the legs.

03:51 That's very much a comforting behavior.

03:53 And even though the person on the left has both moved back and forward,

03:58 there was no reciprocity.

04:01 In other words, we usually, if somebody smiles, we smile.

04:04 If somebody waves, we wave.

04:06 Reciprocity says, "I really enjoy what we're doing here."

04:10 But we're not seeing that.

04:12 Now, this could be because one person has attraction and one doesn't.

04:15 Or maybe one person is feeling negative towards the other

04:18 and the other is trying to get that person to engage.

04:21 All we can really tell from this is that there is an asymmetry here

04:26 in feelings towards one another.

04:28 She may be trying to draw her out and her mind is somewhere else.

04:32 Interesting.

04:35 With number one, they are interacting, but they have a bit of a bigger distance.

04:41 They haven't really changed their positions that much.

04:44 Fluidity of action often speaks of high comfort.

04:48 If you notice, other couples have moved in and out of different positions.

04:51 It is very unusual to remain in the same position for this long.

04:56 So I'm just wondering if they're nervous around each other,

04:59 if they're reluctant to move around too much.

05:02 Okay, can you stop number two?

05:07 What we just saw was, I would say, very intimate behavior.

05:10 She's taking the napkin and she's giving it to him.

05:13 So there was very close proximity while they're eating.

05:16 She's taking care of him.

05:17 So definitely a longer relationship than a first date.

05:20 Number five, you just saw a head tilt.

05:26 There was a head tilt.

05:28 There's a head tilt.

05:30 We call that a clue, as you would say.

05:32 It's getting more and more interesting at number five

05:34 because there's a lot of flirting going on, I would say.

05:37 She's pacifying herself on her neck.

05:39 There's a little bit of a, you could say, court thing maybe going on.

05:42 He's smiling.

05:43 He's leaning forward.

05:45 That's interesting to look at.

05:46 What's interesting about number one is that we're seeing negative emotion,

05:53 but we're not seeing any attempt to engage,

05:56 which would suggest it probably isn't a first date.

05:59 And it probably is negative emotion rather than nervousness.

06:03 Because when I contrast this to number three, I see similar signs.

06:08 But in number three, I am seeing a lot of nervous displays.

06:12 I'm seeing some really heavy breathing here.

06:15 We can see her chest going up and down quite a lot.

06:18 She's taking quite deep breaths.

06:20 The emotion's positive, but we're seeing that discomfort at the same time.

06:25 And we see number one, we see a smile.

06:31 We see some positive emotion.

06:34 Maybe the food is coming.

06:35 Maybe he's apologized for something.

06:37 One would hope.

06:41 Okay, that's definitely a very important thing that we just saw.

06:45 So now there is a connection physically.

06:47 She's coming out of her shelf, so to say.

06:49 This is an intimate behavior, even though it's just the fingertips.

06:52 You have to remember that the fingertips are just plush with nerve endings

06:58 that are very sensitive.

06:59 This is a very powerful sign here.

07:02 Interesting, when the food was brought over,

07:06 it's the first time they're sort of smiling and so forth.

07:10 A lot of comfort displays here.

07:11 She's doing a little dance while she's eating.

07:13 Maybe they were just hungry.

07:16 And that's where that negativity is coming from,

07:18 which I can completely understand.

07:20 You also see it in number one.

07:22 We're seeing changes in behavior.

07:24 I think they were just low on blood sugar.

07:27 Finally, a little bit more animated.

07:29 They're both nodding in agreement, even though they're slightly reserved,

07:34 maybe because of filming circumstances.

07:36 They look a little bit more comfortable now.

07:39 [MUSIC PLAYING]

07:43 Stop right there.

07:44 Oftentimes, we can tell people really are enjoying each other

07:48 because they move objects out of the way, so they have a clearer view.

07:51 Let's stop here.

07:54 Yeah, that's fantastic.

07:56 She lifts her ankle.

07:58 That's ventilating behavior as well.

08:00 A lot of people focus on the face, not realizing that the feet are actually

08:04 more honest in revealing just how close we are.

08:08 We don't unveil our feet, and we certainly don't move them this close to the other person,

08:14 unless we're really comfortable around them.

08:16 Look how much more animated number four is now.

08:21 There's so much mirroring, even though their hands aren't exactly doing the same thing.

08:27 Their faces certainly show they're really into each other.

08:31 And number three on the opposite side, his hands have barely left each other this whole time.

08:36 You're seeing lots of awkward displays, and you're seeing lots of touching of the menus.

08:43 The nose, it might be itchy, but in this case, we've seen a lot of discomfort.

08:47 You see their hand on her knee.

08:49 That's actually a pacifying behavior.

08:52 There may be a lot of nervousness there that we're still experiencing.

08:55 She's not just touching her knee.

08:57 She's gripping her knee.

08:58 She's actually starting to scratch, which might say that the discomfort level is actually increasing.

09:05 Number two, we're seeing comfort displays.

09:07 You're seeing him talking with his mouth full.

09:10 They're laughing while they're eating and speaking.

09:12 There's less perception management going on.

09:15 Number two, we literally see him picking her food.

09:18 So that's a very intimate gesture there.

09:20 He would not do that on a first date.

09:22 We see a similar behavior with number one.

09:24 They just swapped plates.

09:27 They picked each other's and swapped.

09:28 Not only did they trade plates, but he was generous, and he moved her glass of water

09:33 and he moved her glass out of the way.

09:35 I am starting to think that number one might be a longer term marriage

09:41 because they seem so comfortable in the negativity.

09:44 What's interesting here about number three is we're starting to see them loosen up.

09:49 We're starting to see a little bit more comfort,

09:51 which is what you would expect as people get to know each other.

09:54 So we're kind of seeing a progression here of their comfort levels.

10:00 In number one, even though she's leaning back, her foot is very close to his leg.

10:06 And that begins to talk to us.

10:08 We saw some of it in number five.

10:12 They never really touched, but they were willing to at least venture out that way.

10:17 And so far, we haven't seen it in number three.

10:20 Look at number four, because this is critical.

10:25 It's called foot cradling.

10:26 We do it with babies.

10:27 We get their feet and we comfort them that way.

10:30 This is a high comfort display.

10:33 There's a lot of trust here.

10:34 When we look at number two, there's a lot of touching, but also longer touches.

10:41 You could look at the feet and say, "Yeah, but they withdrew their feet."

10:44 Well, I don't think that really matters.

10:46 Their feet, for them, are in a comfortable position.

10:48 Look at the other behaviors that say, "We're really comfortable around each other."

10:54 Here's what's interesting for all three of us is these behaviors.

10:58 At what point do they become norm?

11:01 Do they become norm at three months?

11:03 Do they become norm at five months or 15 months?

11:06 People who get along really well within weeks may be mirroring each other,

11:11 may be copying each other.

11:13 How long have they been together?

11:15 That's really tough.

11:16 That's really tough.

11:17 And now it's time to guess.

11:23 I'm heading towards them being married for years.

11:25 Four years.

11:27 One year.

11:27 I'm Jocelyn.

11:33 And I'm James.

11:34 We've been married for one year.

11:35 I'm not surprised by this just because they seem so comfortable

11:40 and they didn't seem to be engaging in any perception management whatsoever.

11:44 For the first few minutes, they just sat there, not really moving, not really interacting.

11:48 It's interesting that now that we're looking directly at their faces,

11:51 you kind of get a sense that, yeah, I can see this as a couple for a long time.

11:56 I'm torn between married four years or dating five.

12:01 Dating five years.

12:02 I'm Courtney.

12:07 I'm Mikey.

12:08 Been together five years.

12:09 Five years.

12:10 I almost put five years for this one just because they seem so touchy.

12:15 Maybe it wasn't married yet.

12:16 Maybe this touching behavior will slowly start to fade in the nicest possible way.

12:21 To me, the number doesn't matter.

12:23 The fact is that you can tell immediately this couple really likes each other.

12:28 Of all the couples, they're the one that are closest to a first date.

12:34 I'm John.

12:37 I'm Lauren.

12:37 This is a blind date.

12:38 Oh, well.

12:40 Well done.

12:41 And with all those touching behaviors, finger touching, rubbing, that says to me,

12:48 we're not really comfortable.

12:50 So I'm going to go with my gut, but I think I might be wrong.

12:52 My name is Dora.

12:56 My name is Rosettus.

12:57 I love you.

12:59 I love you, too.

12:59 Yeah.

13:00 Yeah, the lack of mimicry was saying to me that it wasn't super long term.

13:05 One thing you can tell, how much empathy is also displayed.

13:10 When one was reluctant to talk or was a little stoic,

13:14 the other one helped to bring the other one out.

13:16 That's also a good thing.

13:17 That's also a good sign of a good relationship.

13:20 I think it's a first date.

13:23 A good one.

13:24 Hi, I'm Brenda.

13:29 I'm Saher.

13:30 And we've been together for 14 years.

13:32 I'm Kiki.

13:34 I'm kicking myself with this one because prior to this,

13:38 I said my strategy was look for the most mimicry.

13:41 They showed the most mimicry, and I just disregarded my strategy.

13:46 Okay, we want the PhD back.

13:48 Once again, as we look at this couple,

13:51 yeah, we saw the mimicry.

13:52 We saw the joviality.

13:54 They were having a good time.

13:56 Whether it's a date or an experience, in essence, that's really what matters.

14:01 Yeah.

14:02 Yeah.

14:02 (whooshing)

14:05 [BLANK_AUDIO]

Category

Transcript

Recommended