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AmusantTranscription
00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 (upbeat music)
00:05 (upbeat music)
00:09 (upbeat music)
00:14 (upbeat music)
00:19 (bell ringing)
00:22 (upbeat music)
00:31 (upbeat music)
00:33 - Look at it.
00:34 The Rubber Mason 170L.
00:38 Sure grip handles, multi-terrain tires,
00:42 50 gallon capacity.
00:44 - Yeah!
00:45 - Mm-hmm.
00:46 - So good.
00:47 - All terrain, man.
00:47 - Gentlemen, this trash can is indestructible.
00:51 You can tip it, you can run it over with your truck,
00:55 you can drop it from the moon,
00:57 and provided it made it through the atmosphere,
01:00 it would hit the ground ready to accept your refuse.
01:05 - Ooh!
01:06 How many beer cans do you think she can hold?
01:08 A thousand?
01:09 - She can hold a thousand beer cans
01:12 when she's half full with a thousand beer cans.
01:15 - Hey!
01:16 I see you got a new deep fryer.
01:18 - Actually, Con, it's an injection molded--
01:21 - Joking!
01:22 You hear Billy's chew on that
01:24 while I'm jetting off to Hawaii
01:26 for biggest computer convention there is,
01:28 Systems Expo Maui, in Hawaii.
01:32 - Down in Hawaii, man,
01:33 it's down on the grass skirts, man,
01:35 on the thing, down, down, down, down, down, down, yeah, man.
01:40 - That's not even the best part.
01:41 My boss wants me to give big time speech.
01:44 I get five whole minutes.
01:46 Peons only get three.
01:49 You ever make five minute speech, Hank?
01:51 - No!
01:52 Only three.
01:54 (gentle music)
01:56 - Babysitter violate parole?
01:59 Yeah, I'd say that's an issue.
02:02 Con, we have no nanny for Connie.
02:04 - Oh!
02:05 Cruel, cruel fate!
02:09 This Maui speech could be my stepping stone
02:11 from systems analyst to senior systems analyst.
02:16 Connie's old enough to stay by herself, right?
02:18 - No, Con.
02:20 Maybe Connie can stay with one of the neighbors.
02:24 (sighs)
02:25 But which evil is lesser?
02:27 (alarm beeping)
02:33 - The smoke detectors work, Con.
02:35 The toilet seats are clamped down
02:37 and I put new non-slip daisies in each tub, so aloha.
02:42 - Here's Connie Babysitting Book,
02:43 version 4.0 with seafood allergy upgrade.
02:47 - Everything you need to know is in here.
02:50 It teach you how to be a parent this week,
02:52 what time Connie should eat, acceptable reading material.
02:56 - Newsweek?
02:57 (chuckles)
02:58 Not in this house.
02:59 (chuckles)
03:00 - Oh, how very nice.
03:02 You included recipes.
03:04 (gasps)
03:05 Oh, look, and pictures.
03:07 Well, that's good because I have no idea
03:10 what scrambled eggs look like.
03:12 - Oh, that's a limo to airport.
03:14 This is antibacterial hand gel.
03:19 Leave a thin protective film on you at all time.
03:22 I see you next week.
03:24 (gentle music)
03:27 - I can't believe your girlfriend
03:29 is gonna be living with you.
03:30 My parents won't even let me go in a chat room.
03:33 - I know, and my dad said we could camp out
03:37 in the living room, in our sleeping bags.
03:41 In our sleeping bags.
03:46 - You're gonna be seeing each other
03:47 in nothing but your pajamas.
03:51 I never thought about it like that.
03:53 (gentle music)
03:56 (sighs)
03:58 Choo-choo trains.
04:00 Oh, man.
04:02 Ah, the turtles.
04:05 These may work.
04:07 (gentle music)
04:12 (squeaks)
04:14 (bells ringing)
04:17 - Man, what you doing, man?
04:19 I'm coming over tonight like this, man.
04:21 - I need some advice.
04:23 I don't know what to sleep in.
04:25 You know, if there's a girl in the house.
04:29 - Yeah, man, I tell you what,
04:30 man, I want that old girl in the house right now, man.
04:33 - Uh-huh, and what should I wear?
04:36 - Well, you know, I can't go wrong with them silk, man.
04:40 I'm thinking a kind of flannel, man.
04:42 I'm thinking it'll hit your bottom, man.
04:44 If she wear top, now he wear bottom.
04:46 - Yeah, I'm saying, man.
04:47 - Yeah, I was thinking the Ninja Turtles with underwear.
04:52 - I tell you what, man, don't let me know, man,
04:54 how that old thing will work out, man.
04:55 Don't, better don't first call me.
04:57 (door slams)
04:59 - I always put my napkin on my lap.
05:02 I sit down, boom, on my lap.
05:04 (laughs)
05:06 - This is a great dinner, Mrs. Hill.
05:08 - Well, we have your mother to thank for that.
05:10 She recommended that I stir the macaroni with a spoon.
05:15 - No more burnt hands, Hank.
05:17 - And the steak tastes so clean.
05:21 - Well, that's the propane, Connie.
05:23 You see, it's a much smoother grill than charcoal
05:26 and at a fraction of the cost.
05:28 - You know what I've always wondered?
05:30 Propane is called liquid petroleum,
05:33 but isn't it a gas, Mr. Hill?
05:35 - Please, Connie, call me Hank.
05:38 - And my dad just crawled out the window and never paid.
05:43 - So this is gossip.
05:45 (laughs)
05:46 Well, that's pretty good.
05:48 - If you're done, Mrs. Hill,
05:49 I'll take your plate in with mine.
05:51 - And she has manners too.
05:54 - May I take those plates out of your way, sir?
05:57 And can I tempt you with some toaster strudels?
06:01 Or are we watching our figures?
06:04 - Just take the plates, Bobby.
06:06 - Very good, sir.
06:07 This is nice.
06:11 Just the two of us, the squeak of the gloves,
06:15 the lemony smell.
06:17 Oh, there's still a big hunk of fat on this one.
06:20 - Thanks.
06:22 I'm glad you're here.
06:23 We make a good team.
06:25 - Well, let me hook you up with some more suds.
06:28 - My name is--
06:30 - What?
06:31 - My name is--
06:32 - Who?
06:33 - My name is Slicka Slicka Slim Shady.
06:36 - It's standing club mix.
06:38 (imitating music)
06:41 - Hey, DJ, everybody is a wick wick wick.
06:47 - All right, kids, lights out.
06:49 - Good night, Mr. and Mrs. Hill.
06:51 - It's pretty dark.
06:59 - Are you scared?
07:02 - It's not that dark in here.
07:03 But sure, I could be a little scared.
07:07 (dramatic music)
07:10 - I could get my nightlight.
07:13 - No, that's okay, Bobby.
07:16 Good night.
07:17 - I guess I'm tired, too.
07:20 (bell ringing)
07:24 - So, are your lips numb?
07:27 - A gentleman does not kiss and tell.
07:31 - You chickened out.
07:32 - Yes, sir, I did.
07:34 - Now she's gonna think you don't like her.
07:36 - I know.
07:38 Don't worry, I'm busting a move tonight.
07:41 - Boy, I'm so tired.
07:46 I better hurry up and get to bed
07:48 before I fall asleep right here at the table.
07:51 - How many cows do you people eat in a year?
07:55 - Wait, we figured this out once.
07:57 - Can I please be excused?
07:59 - Well, sure.
08:02 - Meat, please.
08:02 - Please.
08:03 - You rushed off before dessert,
08:17 and I took the liberty of snagging us each
08:19 a piece of Bundt cake.
08:21 - I just brushed my teeth.
08:23 - So did I.
08:26 - If you just brushed your teeth,
08:28 then why are you going to eat Bundt cake?
08:30 You're just gonna have to brush your teeth again.
08:32 - Why don't you ever think?
08:33 - Oh.
08:42 Connie, do you like your syrup warm or cold?
08:47 Personally, I could go either way.
08:50 - Can you bother someone else for five minutes
08:52 so I can go to the bathroom?
08:54 - Yes.
08:55 - Connie, honey, it's past eight already.
09:02 - Um.
09:03 - I do not know what she is doing in there for so long.
09:06 - I think she's taking a Bobby break.
09:09 - Hank, you're gonna have to take Connie to school, honey.
09:11 Bobby and I are late already,
09:13 and there are no substitute teachers
09:14 for substitute teachers who are late.
09:16 - Ugh.
09:19 - Is Mrs. Hill home?
09:30 - No, she left for school already.
09:32 - Hank, I'm just--
09:34 - I'm sorry?
09:35 - Um, it's just my, I'm like--
09:38 - Huh?
09:39 Mr. Hill, I just got my first period.
09:49 (Hank screams)
09:52 Oh, God.
09:56 I don't want you to worry about a thing, Connie.
09:59 I passed the OSHA Emergency Management course.
10:01 All nine years, I was required to take it.
10:04 Are you sure about this?
10:06 - Pretty sure.
10:07 - Come on, come on, come on.
10:10 Vaccination record, complete list of prime numbers.
10:15 Don't worry, Connie, we're gonna get through this somehow.
10:18 Okay, do you have any idea how to tie a tourniquet?
10:22 - No.
10:23 - Oh, man.
10:27 This is the best speech ever written.
10:30 JFK got nothing on me.
10:32 Profiles in jealousy.
10:34 Ha ha!
10:35 - You need to relax, Connie.
10:37 Come, little frisbee.
10:39 We're at land, that's where we make crazy love.
10:42 - Oh, yeah.
10:44 I am bad boy of systems analysis.
10:47 (phone rings)
10:52 (Hank sighs)
10:53 (phone beeps)
10:56 (phone rings)
10:58 - Tom Landry Middle School.
11:00 - I need to speak with Mrs. Peggy Hill.
11:02 - I'm sorry, district policy prohibits disturbing
11:05 a teacher in the classroom.
11:06 - Peggy is my wife and I want her disturbed right now.
11:10 - I'll connect you to her voicemail.
11:12 - No, but I...
11:13 - The person you have reached.
11:15 Hello, this is Peggy Hill.
11:18 I am so sorry I cannot take your call.
11:20 Please leave a message.
11:22 Is not available.
11:23 To leave a message.
11:24 (phone rings)
11:27 - Hello?
11:30 Hello?
11:35 (Hank sighs)
11:39 (dramatic music)
11:54 - Is she gonna be okay?
11:55 - She's going to be fine.
11:57 I've taken care of things for now,
11:59 but here's a list of products for Connie
12:00 which you can pick up at any pharmacy.
12:02 - Couldn't you just give her this stuff?
12:06 You are a hospital.
12:07 - No, you have to go and buy them.
12:10 - I mean, let's say I got stitches.
12:12 You might send me home with a box of Band-Aids
12:14 if I asked for 'em, right?
12:16 - Band-Aids aren't going to work in this situation.
12:19 Please, don't try Band-Aids.
12:22 (dramatic music)
12:24 - Clean-up on 2B.
12:27 - Ugh, aisle 8A.
12:31 Boy, we sure are a long way from automotive.
12:35 You have your list?
12:36 - Yes, just because I started my period
12:38 doesn't mean I can't hold onto a piece of paper.
12:40 - Okay then, I'll just wait right here for you.
12:45 (dramatic music)
12:47 (dramatic music)
12:50 (sighs)
12:57 - Come on, Connie.
12:59 Pick something, anything.
13:01 Don't make me come down there.
13:03 (whimpers)
13:06 No.
13:09 Hold on, Connie.
13:10 - This really sucks, Mr. Hill.
13:13 My mom taught me nothing.
13:15 $6.95 for one stupid box?
13:20 Oh, I only have $5.
13:22 Can I borrow two stupid dollars?
13:25 - It's okay, Connie.
13:26 It's on me.
13:28 We'll get you all set up here.
13:30 Oh, Chuck.
13:36 - You know, Mr. Hill,
13:41 maybe this isn't such a big deal after all.
13:43 - Nope, not such a big deal.
13:46 In fact, this is such a little deal
13:48 that we won't have to talk about it anymore.
13:51 - Now, how do I change one of these things?
13:55 (dramatic music)
13:57 - What the?
14:04 (tires screeching)
14:05 - I'm coming!
14:07 - I can't look.
14:12 She never even got to see her first trash day.
14:16 (thudding)
14:17 (gasps)
14:18 - Oh!
14:19 - Ha ha!
14:19 Big bad can.
14:21 - Where's Bobby?
14:24 - It's Connie.
14:24 - Hank, what is it?
14:27 - You know, the special time and girls' lives
14:33 and the freshness and all that.
14:35 - Oh my Lord.
14:37 Oh, poor Connie.
14:39 - Poor Connie?
14:40 Poor me.
14:41 I had to learn about megalabsorbency.
14:44 - You went down aisle 8A?
14:46 We have been married for 20 years
14:49 and I can't get you past aisle five.
14:51 - I wasn't joyriding, Peggy.
14:53 It was a medical emergency.
14:55 - Well, why didn't you call me sooner?
14:56 - I tried calling you.
14:58 I tried calling men in con.
15:00 I even hung up on my own mother.
15:03 And she's such a nice woman.
15:05 - Well, Hank, you did your best, but I'm in charge now.
15:09 You keep trying men in con.
15:10 I'll talk to Connie and then I'll talk to Bobby.
15:14 - I don't think Bobby should know about this.
15:16 It's bad enough that I know about this.
15:18 - Do you want to be in charge, Hank?
15:20 - No.
15:21 - Uh-oh.
15:24 Last time you were waiting for me,
15:26 I learned about goldfish heaven.
15:28 - Come on, Bobby.
15:29 Let's go to Whataburger.
15:30 - All right.
15:32 Oh, God.
15:33 Where's Lady Bird?
15:35 - I now pass the torch to my good friend,
15:39 Con Supernaruul.
15:40 (audience applauding)
15:43 - Hello?
15:48 Oh, Hank here.
15:50 What do you want?
15:51 Con is at the podium.
15:52 Oh.
15:55 - Gentlemen and ladies of systems analysis.
16:00 So what really bring us together here?
16:03 Systems or the sunshine?
16:07 I think we do best to remember the words of Maya Angelou.
16:11 (Con screams)
16:13 (Con groans)
16:16 - Bobby, you are at an age now when,
16:21 well, things are starting to change.
16:23 And while some things are better learned through guessing
16:26 or certain educational films,
16:28 some things are better learned from your parents.
16:31 - Mom, why don't you gather your thoughts
16:34 while I get another order of onion rings?
16:37 - Connie started her period.
16:39 - What's that now?
16:40 - She has taken her first steps to becoming a woman.
16:43 - She can't be a woman.
16:45 I'm still a kid.
16:46 Look at me.
16:47 I even got the kids meal.
16:50 I love this toy.
16:51 - Oh, Bobby.
16:52 Honey, you will catch up eventually.
16:55 This year, next year, it does not matter when
16:58 because you will always be mommy's little man.
17:03 (Connie laughs)
17:06 - So, Connie, you wanna go jump off the bike ramp?
17:11 - No.
17:12 - Play soccer?
17:13 - No.
17:14 - Go swimming at the rec center?
17:16 - You know what I wanna do, Bobby?
17:20 - Sit here.
17:21 - Fine.
17:22 You sit on that couch.
17:23 I'm young.
17:25 I'm young and alive and I'm going outside to enjoy life.
17:32 (Connie laughs)
17:35 - Word is Connie's Aunt Flo is in town.
17:55 - Yeah, probably 'cause she started her period.
17:59 - She's got the curse and I think I caused it.
18:03 All my hormones being too close to her hormones.
18:07 - It's all over, Bobby.
18:09 I heard that when girls get the curse,
18:12 they only go out with hairy high school guys with cars.
18:16 - I've got peach fuzz and a bike.
18:19 - Where is my daughter?
18:24 I want to wake her up from this chicken fry nightmare.
18:27 - Mom, Dad.
18:29 (Connie groans)
18:31 - It is very nice to see you again, Con Junior.
18:34 Go with your mother.
18:35 Yes.
18:37 - You know, you could thank me for taking care of this, Con.
18:40 It wasn't exactly easy.
18:42 - Thank you?
18:43 You're lucky I don't sue you.
18:44 - Luck has nothing to do with it.
18:47 You've got no case.
18:48 - There's still time.
18:53 Hurry, she's got room for three more.
18:57 (car engine rumbles)
19:00 (Con hums)
19:02 (Con screams)
19:08 - Hey, hey, man, what you doing in that old trash?
19:13 Man, that old thing, I'm talking about a call 911, man.
19:15 - Everything I love is taken from me.
19:19 - What are you talking about?
19:22 She was my can.
19:24 - The mother sings a gentle song,
19:27 welcoming her calf to a watery new world.
19:30 (Con groans)
19:32 - Oh, man, she's doing it again.
19:35 Help me, make her stop.
19:38 - I'm on it.
19:39 - Mom, it was really mean to Bobby and I don't know why.
19:47 - He annoying little boy.
19:48 - Mom.
19:49 - Con Junior, you have a PMS.
19:53 It's hard, but very easy to understand.
19:57 You just yell and yell or you just cry and cry.
20:02 - But it feels like I'm doing both of those
20:04 at the same time.
20:05 - Connie, you feel things more now.
20:08 Make sad movies truly excellent.
20:11 You watch "Titanic" on the right day, it blow you away.
20:15 And you get intuition.
20:17 - And I get to have babies.
20:19 - Whoa, slow down, Con Junior.
20:22 I tell you now what my mother told me.
20:25 (speaking in foreign language)
20:29 - Mom, you don't know Bobby.
20:31 He's not like all the other boys.
20:34 - All men are the same.
20:36 - But now you are different and you must act different
20:40 like an adult, except at movie theater
20:43 where you child and your father and I, students.
20:46 (Con grunts)
20:52 - Uh, so, uh, Dr. Herdig says your teeth are looking good.
20:57 Atta boy.
21:00 - Dad, I think Connie's gonna break up with me
21:03 because she hates me.
21:05 - She doesn't hate you.
21:07 - Yes, she does.
21:08 She's no longer the girl who fell in love with me.
21:12 Now she's just the woman who yells at me.
21:15 - Bobby, every woman has a period.
21:20 - Of time.
21:22 - Every month.
21:23 - Even mom?
21:24 - Bobby, if we're gonna get through this,
21:28 you cannot ask me questions like that.
21:30 - My bad.
21:32 - Now, every month, a woman has this time
21:35 when she gets very angry at everything.
21:39 And usually men are the everything.
21:42 It's like a tire fire.
21:43 Trying to put it out only makes it worse.
21:46 You just gotta let it burn.
21:48 - Grab a beer and let it burn.
21:50 - Heck yeah, you ruined my life.
21:57 What can I do for you?
21:58 - Uh, Connie left some things at my house.
22:01 I thought you might want 'em back.
22:02 - Hey, Mr. Hill, thanks for letting me stay with you.
22:06 Sorry it was so boring.
22:08 - (laughs) Yep.
22:10 - What the hell was that?
22:15 Why didn't she cry at you?
22:17 - All she ever does is cry at me.
22:20 It's not fair.
22:21 I make more money than you.
22:23 - I think it's been a long day for all of us.
22:26 Tomorrow will be easier.
22:28 For me, anyway.
22:29 - Sure, everything easy for you.
22:32 You world's best father.
22:34 I seen the mug.
22:36 - Me?
22:37 I'm nothing.
22:39 I want mug too, Hank Hill.
22:41 - Well, I just so happen to have a book here
22:44 that might help you out with that.
22:46 - Oh, and I added an extra chapter at the beginning.
22:50 - Aisle 8A.
22:52 What is Aisle 8A?
22:54 - You know, it's the one next to the deodorants
22:57 and the ointments.
23:00 (groans)
23:01 Yeah, I know.
23:02 (sad violin music)
23:07 - Is this a bad time?
23:12 - My mom says we shouldn't be alone together anymore
23:15 and that you only want one thing.
23:17 - Did she say what that was?
23:19 Because I am so confused.
23:22 - Me too.
23:23 This sucks.
23:25 - So now you're a woman.
23:29 - Technically, I think I'm only a woman four days a month.
23:33 - Only four days?
23:35 Well, that's for most people.
23:37 But you're super organized.
23:40 I bet you can get through it in two days.
23:43 - I don't think that's how it works.
23:45 - You know, if I was becoming a man, I wouldn't dump you.
23:53 - I don't want to dump you, Bobby.
23:55 I still wanna be your girlfriend.
23:58 But for those four days when I'm a woman,
24:00 I don't wanna be anywhere near you.
24:02 - Deal.
24:03 I'll see you in two days.
24:05 (sad violin music)
24:09 (upbeat music)
24:12 (upbeat music)
24:15 (upbeat music)
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24:20 (upbeat music)
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24:28 (upbeat music)
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24:46 (upbeat music)
24:49 (upbeat music)
24:52 Do you want to know?