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TVTranscript
00:00Then, after my older sister Catherine and I lost daddy, my beautiful, brave mother married his best friend, also in the fleet air arm, also called John, though we really knew him as Johnny.
00:14And my little sister Georgina was born, but then our second daddy went missing in action in Bosnia.
00:21So, by the time you were ten, you had lost both your father and your stepfather, both flying Navy planes, and your mother was left alone with three little girls.
00:35Bloody hell.
00:36Now, there's a word we hear everywhere, and you just used it, Victoria, but I wonder, can you define loss to us?
00:44Sorry?
00:45Can you say what loss means to you?
00:47Well, I mean, I guess it doesn't seem there. It's always there, and also not there. I feel like...
00:54But there's a happy ending this weekend.
00:57There is. As soon as I leave the studio, I will be winging my way back to Blighty, because my mother, Diana, is getting married again.
01:06Now, this time for a man with his feet firmly on the ground.
01:09Enjoy your blast. Always great to have you here on the show.
01:13The movie's called The Dame of Darkness 5. Four.
01:17Four.
01:17Four.
01:17Sorry.
01:18Great franchise.
01:22She's altering, Ma.
01:24Turning to starboard.
01:2520 degrees.
01:2730.
01:29Off you go.
01:29Turn right for the Baltic.
01:31Back to the Netherlands.
01:33Permission to stand out weapons, Chris Ma.
01:34Approved, P-WO.
01:36You can take over from here, Sean.
01:38Dangerous mission tomorrow.
01:39I've got to get my mother down the aisle and deal with my sisters.
01:41Uh, Captain, I'd just like to take this opportunity to wish you all the best on your new command.
01:47A real privilege working for you.
01:49It's been a privilege for me too, Sean. Thank you.
01:51Onwards?
01:52Yes, ma'am.
03:26You didn't have a better idea. We couldn't get hold of you. I took command.
03:30I really think you should have come to me first.
03:32Georgina discovered the texts on Jeremy's phone, then he cancels.
03:37Coming here tonight.
03:39And it's a no-brainer.
03:40We need an intervention.
03:41But hiring a detective? For God's sake.
03:44I'm barely off the plane, and she's wringing me in tears from her ward because you were too busy.
03:50And then I saw Steve.
03:51Who's Steve?
03:52Right there.
03:53Victoria, let's just wait.
03:54Whatever you may think, that's a sign.
03:56Hello?
03:57This weekend is for Mom's wedding.
03:59Victoria?
04:00Catherine?
04:01Victoria?
04:20Oh, I love this photo.
04:22Christ almighty, look at that.
04:27She thinks we're still broke.
04:29Possibly because she heard it on an American talk show.
04:32All she has to do is ask me.
04:34Oh, poor little things.
04:38Bloody reception.
04:39No wonder we never visit.
04:40It's the dark ages.
04:41Bugger off.
04:45I'll say he might if you show me yours.
04:47No.
04:48I know who it is anyway.
04:50Oh, for fuck's sake, he's trying to come.
04:53Who?
04:53Where?
04:54Grunt fromage.
04:55He's still chasing you.
04:57Big cheese.
04:58He's trying to find a place to land tomorrow.
05:01Oh, good.
05:01Steve will be here any minute.
05:03Who's Steve?
05:05The detective.
05:07Oh, God, I hope you catch bloody Jeremy at it.
05:10She'll get rid of him finally.
05:12Look, Steve.
05:13In here.
05:17Where did you find the detective?
05:18AA.
05:19What?
05:20No, it's fantastic for that sort of thing.
05:23Mm.
05:23Plumbers, dentists, insurance, the lot.
05:26And when Georgie rang me, I was just getting to my meeting.
05:29Because I always go as soon as I get to this fucking country.
05:31Bingo.
05:32There was Steve.
05:33Honestly, it was meant to be.
05:34It was destiny.
05:36Don't worry, I paid for it all.
05:38So we've hired a drunk detective.
05:40Come on.
05:42Extrunk.
05:44Hi.
05:44Hi.
05:47Hi.
05:48Hi, Catherine.
05:50Hi.
05:51Oh, Steve.
05:53Um, this is my older sister, Catherine.
05:56An honor.
05:57Steve was just telling me all about the cameras we set up at home.
06:00It's all a bit complicated.
06:01Yes, I was just telling the principal client, by whom in this instance I mean Georgina, that I've installed six devices, all connected via an intranet with the derived material saved on the cloud.
06:13Not an easy job.
06:13But luckily, the Taiwanese do a very good router.
06:17Completely different to the old Korean one.
06:19And there's this new Swiss motion detector.
06:21Georgie, are you sure you really want to go through with this?
06:25Oh, God, that's incredible.
06:27I've got exactly the same curtain.
06:29So funny.
06:29Oh.
06:30I'm not sure I could face watching this tonight.
06:33I wouldn't advise that.
06:34Um, in my experience, our clients, if they watch proceedings live, can get quite violent.
06:41Oh.
06:41Especially the English wives.
06:44Well, I'll be back in correspondence tomorrow.
06:46But for now, if I could just demonstrate to your good selves the variety of options you have.
06:52Ooh.
06:52I would suggest, in your case, the edited highlights package.
06:57It's our best feature.
06:59We've recently got the musical rights to If You Want to Be My Lover.
07:03By the Spice Girls.
07:05Girls?
07:06What are you all doing in my studio?
07:08Hi.
07:08Come on out.
07:09This is my workplace.
07:10Hi, Mum.
07:10Hello, darling.
07:11Oh, sorry I wasn't here when you arrived.
07:14Good afternoon.
07:16Oh.
07:16Oh.
07:17Oh, you're wonderful.
07:21Hello.
07:22We haven't met.
07:23Oh, this is Steve.
07:24He's from my office.
07:26Yes.
07:27I'm just doing a bit of research with Georgina here.
07:29Ah.
07:30Well, Steve, how very accomplished of you to be so in demand.
07:34So, the marquee is up and the children are back from swimming any minute now.
07:37Please make sure your boys are tidy for dinner.
07:40You know Jeff will want to leave on time.
07:42Yes, yes.
07:43Well, I'll leave it to him.
07:44Take care.
07:44Bye.
07:45Look, I frankly don't care if my husband's shagging up with London.
07:49Tomorrow's Mum's day and we can't ruin it.
07:51I've got your singing next week, too.
07:52It does not mean too much of a fuss about all this, please.
07:55Mummy!
07:56Mummy!
07:57Hi!
07:57How was it?
07:58Hey, Mum.
07:59Mum, look who Skylar got me.
08:01What have you got there?
08:02It's a David Dalton history.
08:03It's from my mum's latest movie.
08:05Gotta have one of these babies.
08:06Sorry, bro.
08:07Come to school, don't worry.
08:08It's probably my stuff.
08:09I'll get my tentative pieces.
08:10No, it's fine.
08:10I can't go home now, anyway.
08:11Oh, say hi to your dad, Corby.
08:12Bye, Tom.
08:13Do we really have to go to Jeff's dinner tonight?
08:15I mean, who goes to their grandpas' dinner tonight?
08:17And watch some eagle.
08:19And check out some chicks.
08:20It's an osprey, not an eagle, Skylar.
08:22And Marcus, it's very nice of Jeff to ask you, okay?
08:24They're extremely rare.
08:26You're very lucky.
08:27Mwah.
08:28And anyway, he's not your real grandpa.
08:31He's his granny's new husband.
08:32He's his granny's new husband.
09:02So you just press these buttons and you move forward.
09:08Now you're making it dinner.
09:09Yes.
09:09Come on.
09:17Go by far.
09:18Wow.
09:35Let's get started.
09:52Let's get started.
09:52Keep stirring that, please.
10:20Don't let it burn.
10:23Oh, sorry.
10:23Don't eat all of that.
10:28Oh, don't eat all of that.
10:29Oh.
10:34Oh, Victoria.
10:36Can you take these?
10:37Oh, I read it in a magazine.
10:40Oh.
10:40Oh.
10:41Oh.
10:41Now I called the hotel and warned them it might be a bit late.
10:44And apparently, as well as the Ospreys, some great Christy Greaves have been sighted.
10:49So we might get lucky.
10:51Oh, Skylar, you look wonderful.
10:57So do you, Marcus.
10:58So grown up.
11:00So smart.
11:01You shouldn't be here.
11:02It's my home party.
11:03Glow men allowed.
11:04Oh, except, of course, for the stripper ground that we have coming later.
11:07Don't worry, Jeff.
11:07We've got a recyclable one.
11:09So you guys can have them after.
11:10Oh, right.
11:15A less aggressive creep is identifiable because he's a penis that is proportionally larger
11:20than a bonobo's.
11:21Bonobos form same-sex partnerships.
11:24I mean, what has happened to our mother?
11:26What on earth would she choose him?
11:27Oh, I think it looks rather good.
11:29And he's a nice, kind man.
11:31And he makes her happy.
11:33And someone who hasn't got kids of his own.
11:34He is amazing with my girls.
11:36Anyway, third time lucky.
11:38I mean, bloody hell, a third husband.
11:40He's caught up with me.
11:41Daddy number three.
11:42Two for me.
11:44Oh, I say the more the merrier.
11:47Okay.
11:50What should I take?
11:52Have we got...
11:53Nah, take it.
11:56What was going on with that man?
11:58Who?
11:59Steve.
12:00Who was he?
12:01Oh.
12:02I would like to propose.
12:05Ding, ding, ding.
12:06Oppose?
12:07Oh, come on.
12:07Go for it, Georgie.
12:09Right.
12:10As the youngest and the least celebrated of all your daughters.
12:14By far the prettiest.
12:16Definitely the drunkiest.
12:18Anyway.
12:19Mummy, tonight is your last night as a Munson.
12:22What?
12:23You're not going to change your name again?
12:24Of course I'm going to take Jeff's name.
12:26Mrs. Jeffrey Love Glove.
12:27Sorry.
12:28Sorry, are you serious?
12:29I mean, really?
12:30Yes.
12:31Mrs. Frost.
12:32Mrs. Munson.
12:34And now Mrs. Love Glove.
12:35Love Glove.
12:36It's a beautiful name.
12:37It's not his fault.
12:39Okay, well, everyone's always going on about how brave you were.
12:41And how broke you were.
12:42It's most recently to promote the Dame of Darkness.
12:45Fine.
12:45Four, actually, thank you.
12:46And I am a widowed goddess.
12:48Ten million Americans think you were donning socks by the light of a candle.
12:52But you were amazing.
12:54Three little girls, all on your own.
12:56Anyway, I just wanted to say how lovely it is for us all to be here.
12:59A family together.
13:00Yeah, yeah.
13:01Cheers, Mum.
13:02Oh, my darling.
13:03It's a Mummy Love Glove.
13:15Hello.
13:16Hello.
13:19I think I'll be so excited about being Bridesmaids tomorrow.
13:28You're okay?
13:31Yeah.
13:33Yeah, I know they're working for the NHS.
13:35It's not glamorous.
13:37And pay is crap.
13:39But I love it.
13:40Georgie, you know what I mean.
13:42You always hated Jeremy.
13:43No, I didn't.
13:44Not hated.
13:45I just...
13:45It's just my fault.
13:46I shouldn't have looked at his messages.
13:48Probably just watching Arsenal.
13:50Well, you'll find out tomorrow.
13:52Can I have a pub?
13:53No.
13:56Oh.
13:57It's all right.
13:59Let it out.
14:02Come here, sweetie.
14:03Come on, my love.
14:04I know.
14:07I know.
14:08I know we're all feeling really overwhelmed right now.
14:12And you're just like me.
14:15You're experiencing real abandonment issues.
14:18Oh, no.
14:21Okay.
14:22Oh, hang on.
14:23So, is the Grand Fromage coming tomorrow?
14:30God, I hope not.
14:32He's trying to.
14:34Fucking hell.
14:34Did you see what he said the other day?
14:36I didn't call her that.
14:38Still.
14:38It's a luxury holiday.
14:40He owns the hotel.
14:41It's bullshit, Georgie.
14:42He thinks that people will like him if he gives them things.
14:45Are you, uh, you know?
14:50Anyway, if I were you, I'd just take the plunge.
14:53I mean, we all know that the Grand Fromage is a bit ancient.
14:57But at least there's not another drug addict or a total dickhead like that actor Blake.
15:04What about that boxer?
15:09If you were me, the only men that are brave enough to chase you are the assholes.
15:15Nice ones are too busy being nice.
15:17They're not interested in going out with famous actresses.
15:20Well, in that case, I'd take the money and run.
15:25You'd all take the money and run.
15:27You're all living vicariously through me.
15:29That's what my shrink says.
15:31Why does everybody think I'm so mercenary?
15:33Well, what does your shrink say?
15:35My shrink says that I deserve agency.
15:37Agency?
15:38Yes.
15:38Bullshit.
15:39I think you were looking for your father figure.
15:43That's pretty bloody obvious.
15:45Charlie's coming tomorrow.
15:47My brother figure.
15:48Possibly the only man you should have slept with.
15:50Please.
15:52Dream on.
15:56We missed you.
15:58We did.
16:03Oh, what's going on between Catherine and Jack, Braydale?
16:09Oh, I do wish you could stay a bit longer.
16:12I have a million things to do, you know that.
16:16Yes, I do.
16:17But you must try and spend more time with Marcus.
16:21You can't always just leave him with Jack.
16:23And now this new promotion, you do realise that everyone wishes it was you two getting married tomorrow, not me.
16:30We are happy as it is, Mum.
16:31We are happy as it is, Mum.
16:32Oh, rubbish.
16:33You may be happy with the state of affairs, but Jack is not.
16:37I don't know.
16:38I don't know what this wear-together-but-not-married business is.
16:42Sometimes you're away at sea for months on end.
16:45Well, that's not fair.
16:45I don't know what's going on between you and Jack, but I do know that your son, your son needs to know who he belongs to.
17:00Let me just get through this week, please, Mum.
17:05Okay?
17:17Yeah?
17:21Sorry.
17:23Can I stay with you for a bit?
17:24Yeah, of course.
17:25I can't sleep.
17:40I'm not surprised.
17:43Georgie, let's not talk about that.
17:47Just think about this house.
17:50Do you remember that play that Victoria was in?
17:53The Chekhov one?
17:55One without the aliens.
18:03She was great.
18:07She was.
18:09Your sister's trapped in that house.
18:15Chasing ghosts.
18:16They wanted to live, but their entire world revolved around men.
18:21The world's different now.
18:23It's not just about who you marry.
18:25Aren't you so weird about Mum changing her name?
18:31What kind of girls?
18:56I'm so tired.
19:12Oh, I'm trying to wake you up.
19:16Oh, my God!
19:18No, no, I'm totally sorry.
19:19I'm in the wrong room now.
19:20Jesus, Jeff!
19:22What is going on?
19:23Excuse me for my hand.
19:26Oh, people pay good money to see this.
19:29Oh!
19:43It won't be a monster, Katie Frost.
19:56What do you think about it while I'm gone?
19:58Fuck it.
20:04Fuck it.
20:06Fuck it.
20:50Oh, hi, Charlie.
20:57Hi, Victoria. You up early?
20:58Well, lots to do. Big day.
21:00How have you been? Do you want to come in, have a cup of tea?
21:03Ah, no, it's very kind, but I can't. I'm just going to drop these keys off for Jeff. I've got Tom in the car.
21:08Oh, you should come in. Skylar would love to see him.
21:10From what I saw last night, I reckon Skylar and Marcus would probably prefer to stay in bed.
21:15Oh, dear.
21:17Um, but I'll see you later.
21:19And, um, good luck.
21:21Bye.
21:21Oh, my God.
21:41Oh, my goodness.
21:55Oh, my goodness. Still in your pajamas.
21:57Oh, there you go. Take that.
21:59Oh, God. I am starving.
22:01Have you had breakfast? Let's go in. Come on.
22:03Come on. Put me in, have we?
22:04Come on.
22:04Wait, dear.
22:11Where's Catherine?
22:12Catherine?
22:13Uh, my mum.
22:13Oh, I don't know.
22:15Sorry, Marcus.
22:16I don't know.
22:20Mom?
22:21Mom?
22:32Mom?
22:33Oh, my God.
23:03Oh, my God.
23:33Oh, my God.
24:03Oh, my God.
24:33Oh, my God.
24:34Oh, my God.
24:35Oh, my God.
24:39Oh, my God.
24:40Oh, my God.
24:41Oh, my God.
24:42Oh, my God.
24:44Oh, my God.
24:45Oh, my God.
24:46Oh, my God.
24:47Oh, my God.
24:48Oh, my God.
24:49Oh, my God.
24:50Oh, my God.
24:51Oh, my God.
24:52Oh, my God.
24:54Oh, my God.
24:55Oh, my God.
24:56Oh, my God.
24:57Oh, my God.
24:58Oh, my God.
24:59Oh, my God.
25:00Oh, my God.
25:01Oh, my God.
25:02Oh, my God.
25:03Oh, my God.
25:04Oh, my God.
25:05Oh, my God.
25:06Oh, my God.
25:08Oh, my God.
25:09Oh, my God.
25:10Oh, my God.
25:11Oh, my God.
25:12Oh, my God.
25:13Oh, my God.
25:14Oh, my God.
25:15Oh, my God.
25:16Oh, my God.
25:17Oh, my God.
25:18She's only Aunty Victoria's half-sister.
25:20I'm sure it's legal in Utah, dude.
25:22Shut up.
25:25What's that? Pass the ball.
25:27Where's Utah?
25:28I don't know, Clara.
25:30Jeremy, do you think you could ferry people to the church?
25:32What, in a convertible?
25:33Another brilliant idea from Georgie Borgia.
25:35Jesus Christ.
25:39What's Jezza said wrong?
25:41When did you become Jezza?
25:42When you became an arsehole.
25:44What?
25:44Just, let's get a move on.
25:46All right, come on.
25:48Oh, my goodness.
25:52Where's the property?
25:53Oh, I'm taken.
25:54Whoa, bloody hell.
25:56Who ordered these?
25:57Somebody died?
25:59Mommy!
26:00Oh, hello, darling.
26:02Oh, Jack, you made it.
26:04That's right, you're right.
26:05That bloody car.
26:06My handsome grandson.
26:08You look very good.
26:09Nice to see you, too.
26:10Are you must-have you dinner already?
26:12Know her, just ignore her.
26:14What's this ring?
26:15Are you keeping drugs in here?
26:17What's not?
26:17Catherine!
26:18Ah, you, you're here.
26:20Jack's here.
26:20You're good at engines.
26:21Do you think you could take a look under my bonnet?
26:23Oh, I thought you'd never ask Belkis.
26:25My spark plugs only answered you.
26:27Please.
26:28Good one.
26:29Now, where's the blushing bride?
26:31She's upstairs.
26:33Oh, Katie.
26:35I'm coming up, you old slag.
26:37Jack, thank God you're here.
26:39Can you help organize?
26:39We've only got 20 minutes.
26:42Mm-hmm.
26:42Yeah.
26:45Um, okay.
26:46Now, who is an usher?
26:50And, um, where are Mark and the bride's face?
26:52Me!
26:53Me!
26:53Me!
26:54I can't see anyone.
26:57Okay, you wait right here.
27:00This one's for you, love.
27:02Here.
27:02Right.
27:03Um, where's the groom?
27:04Groom.
27:05Yes, I'm here, Jack.
27:06I thought I might just walk.
27:07Nonsense, Geoffrey.
27:08You're the star of the show.
27:09You can come with...
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