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Mini Movie
  • 2 days ago
Sam
Transcript
00:00Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
00:03Beep. Beep.
00:11Hallucination.
00:13Hallucination.
00:15Excuse me.
00:24Tea?
00:25Got anything stronger?
00:27Oh, it's strong tea. It's a special blend.
00:30Good?
00:35Yeah.
00:36A good-looking young man like you must have a girlfriend.
00:38Whenever I want.
00:39You're not very fond of the female of the species, are you?
00:43Good for one thing, and one thing only.
00:46Women are God's gift to the world, son.
00:49I guess he forgot to give me my present.
00:51Oh!
01:01Oh my God!
01:04Oh my God!
01:08Shit!
01:09Shit!
01:11Shit.
01:14Hi, can I help you?
01:15Where's Doc?
01:16I'm sorry, who are you here to see?
01:17Doc?
01:19Dr. Andrew Bellamy, OBGYN.
01:21It says it right there on the door.
01:22Well, Dr. Bellamy's with a patient right now.
01:24Okay, well, I need to see him now.
01:27Okay, young lady, please calm yourself down.
01:29Yes, please.
01:31Oh, mind your own business, Miss STD.
01:34Okay, you know what?
01:35I will set up an appointment for you.
01:37Hey!
01:39Don't mess with me, bitch!
01:41What the fuck do you want?
01:47Doc?
01:49Look what fucking happened to me, dude!
01:51Look at me!
01:51Miss, please, I am in the middle of an examination here.
01:55Would you tell Trashmouth Sally here to wait her turn?
01:59Oh, shut the hell up, lady!
02:00Doc, you got...
02:01Miss, if you do not behave, I will call security.
02:04Angie, that won't be necessary.
02:06Help me with Miss Goldfarb here.
02:07We're going to move you to another room.
02:09Thank you, Dr. and Angie.
02:10What a yachna!
02:12Angie, I won't be long.
02:15Doc, I don't know what happened, man.
02:17I woke up this morning and I'm a fucking broad!
02:19Okay, there are a lot of psychologists' office in the building.
02:23Are you sure you didn't walk into the wrong one?
02:25Doc, you got to believe me.
02:26I feel like I'm in this nightmare.
02:28Like, I just keep waiting to wake up!
02:31Dude!
02:32It's me!
02:33It's Sam!
02:34Women are demented.
02:36They babble incoherently.
02:37They cry at the drop of a hat.
02:39To me, those are two major symptoms of crazy.
02:41Another Sam Wellman expert opinion on women.
02:44Damn straight.
02:45There ain't a female on this planet that I can't figure out in a minute flat.
02:48It's about time you found yourself a nice woman and you settled down.
02:52Huh?
02:53Like you and Cynthia?
02:54Don't go there.
02:55Is there a model in Milan, New York, Paris you haven't banged yet?
03:01I got a hot one tonight, Doc.
03:04Sam.
03:05Sam!
03:05Sam Wellman, your best friend!
03:08Okay, very good.
03:10How much is he paying you?
03:12Ask me something.
03:13Ask me anything.
03:13Oh!
03:15You were nine years old, you showed it to Lauren Abramsky, she kicked you in the nuts,
03:18you told your mom you fell off the swing.
03:20He told you that?
03:21I was there, dude.
03:22I practically carried you home.
03:24Is there anything that prick didn't tell you?
03:25I am that prick!
03:28Oh!
03:32DNA!
03:33Miss, please.
03:34Put down the scissors.
03:35Doc, DNA.
03:37DNA, get a DNA test done.
03:38Great, please, the scissors before someone gets hurt.
03:41Yeah, but Doc, you have the blood from the paternity suit, we get a DNA test done?
03:45Yeah.
03:46Okay, sure, great.
03:48Now, give me the scissors and go home and get some rest.
03:50Huh?
03:51Okay, but you're gonna do it, you'll do it right away.
03:53Yeah, as soon as you leave it goes right to the DNA office or whatever.
03:56Yeah, okay.
03:56Yeah, sure, great.
03:57Okay, but you're gonna do it.
03:58Uh-huh.
03:59Okay.
03:59Just relax.
04:00Okay.
04:01Go home.
04:02Okay.
04:02Get some rest.
04:03All right.
04:03Fucking Sam.
04:10Jesus.
04:14Hey, Lou, what's up?
04:15Excuse me, can I help you?
04:16Uh, I can't right now, Lou.
04:17I got a situation.
04:18Excuse me, miss.
04:19Uh.
04:19You're here to see who?
04:23Oh, right.
04:24I'm sorry.
04:25I am Sam Wellman's cousin.
04:28I, uh, gave you the keys.
04:30Ha, ha, ha, ha.
04:32Yeah, Sam, he's a great guy.
04:33Uh-huh.
04:34Yeah, he'd let me stay here just for, uh, for a little bit.
04:37That's great, miss.
04:39Samantha Wellman.
04:40Samantha Wellman.
04:41Lou, but you knew that already.
04:43Yeah, Sam, uh, speaks very highly of you.
04:47Is that right?
04:47Yeah.
04:59Doc.
05:00Huh?
05:00I knew that you called.
05:01Do.
05:02Yo, yo, yo.
05:02You get those test results back yet?
05:04Look.
05:04I don't know who you are or what you think you're doing, lady, but this stopped being funny
05:09a long time ago.
05:10Now, where the hell is Sam?
05:12Doc!
05:13Come on, dude.
05:13It's me.
05:14It's Sam.
05:14You gotta...
05:15Sam!
05:17Sam!
05:18Hey, baby.
05:19Hey, hey, hey.
05:21How's it going?
05:22Good.
05:22Oh.
05:25Oh.
05:26You gotta be kidding me.
05:34All right, lady, you win.
05:36Now, where the hell is Sam?
05:38Oh, my God, I am so sick of Sam.
05:43Okay.
05:45Okay.
05:45Either Boo-Boo apologizes and gets very snugly very quickly, or Susu is gonna squeeze Boo-Boo's
05:52balls, and I guarantee you're not gonna like it.
05:55Boo-Boo.
05:56What's the matter?
05:57I'm sorry.
05:59I just left something at work.
06:02I have to go to work?
06:03Yeah.
06:07At 11.30 at night?
06:14Oh, my God.
06:15It must be crazy.
06:16Okay, but you'll process that right away.
06:33Rush job.
06:34I'll do my best.
06:35Maybe tomorrow.
06:37No promises.
06:38Just let me know as soon as you hear something, okay?
06:41Where the hell is he?
06:42We have a very important lunch meeting today.
06:44I've tried him on both lines, Mr. Cavallo.
06:46Yes, and?
06:47And he hasn't answered, and he isn't answering his emails either.
06:51And now you'll slip what the fish is done, sheesh.
06:58Okay, I have been called away by a family emergency.
07:06See, my cousin Samantha is here to save the day.
07:11She's got just as much experience as me, and can cover my accounts just as well as me until
07:16until I get back from, from, no, until I get back.
07:27Huh.
07:29Cousin Samantha, huh?
07:32Well, as long as she's hot.
07:42Morning, morning.
07:46Excuse me, can I help you?
07:50Margaret.
07:53Do I know you?
07:55Right, um, indirectly, I am Sam Wellman's cousin.
07:59Samantha, what a pleasure to meet you.
08:02Sam has just told me some.
08:05Well, actually, he never mentioned you at all.
08:08That didn't come out right.
08:09Oh, no, no, no, no, no, it's fine.
08:11Um, see, Sam and I have a very complex relationship.
08:15But look, I'm happy to help out in his time of need.
08:17Look, I hope everything is okay with your family, I mean.
08:20Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm sure everything will be just fine.
08:24I'm gonna go see Mr. Cavallo.
08:26Sure, let me show you.
08:27No, it's fine, I know.
08:29Sam.
08:31Right.
08:32Samantha Wellman.
08:33Sam's fine.
08:33Everything's good.
08:34He will be back soon.
08:36Nice to meet you, Ms. Wellman.
08:37Oh, please, Mel.
08:39Sam, Samantha, Sam, just like the other guy.
08:41Cool?
08:42Yeah, up, up, come on.
08:43Uh, go grab me that Lulu file like a good girl, huh?
08:46Sure.
08:47Look great in that dress.
08:48Oof.
08:49Sid, so, Samantha.
08:59So, Seymour.
09:01Welcome to the family.
09:03Yeah, no.
09:04Um, why don't we talk about the Lulu account?
09:07Let's not talk about business yet.
09:09We gotta get to know each other, right?
09:10Family.
09:11One of the family.
09:13Do you know the first thing I notice about a woman?
09:15Her ass?
09:16Except, no.
09:18Her eyes.
09:20Oh, yeah.
09:22Okay, what?
09:23You know, maybe you and I should grab a bite.
09:26Dinner, tonight.
09:28Oh, you know what?
09:29I can't, I actually, I have plans.
09:32Cancel them.
09:33Yeah, no, I actually, I gotta go.
09:34I'm gonna go.
09:34I have to work.
09:37Work, work, work.
09:38You know, see a seat.
09:39I'm gonna work.
09:44Who are those?
09:45They're for Sam?
09:47No, they're for you, Susu.
09:51Twelve white roses for I'm sorry.
09:54And one red rose for I love you.
09:57Oh.
10:02No.
10:04No.
10:05Just let me check really quick.
10:09See who it is.
10:10If that's Sam and you answer it, we are so over.
10:13Johnny, did you get the results?
10:16This is the goddamnedest thing.
10:18I've never seen such a spot on correlation between male and female DNA.
10:22What?
10:23I've seen identical twins that were never near this close.
10:25Now, um...
10:27Who do these belong to, anyway?
10:29Thanks, Johnny.
10:31I owe you one.
10:33So, uh, what was that all about?
10:35If I'm not being too inquisitive.
10:37It's a long story.
10:40Good.
10:41So write me a letter.
10:43Okay.
10:44You son of a bitch.
10:59Okay, okay.
11:00Okay.
11:08Doc.
11:09Doc, did you hear?
11:10Yeah.
11:11Oh, yeah.
11:11I heard.
11:12So now you believe me?
11:14I don't know what to believe.
11:15Yeah, but it was a match, right?
11:17That's what the man said.
11:18Yes!
11:21Oh.
11:23I don't...
11:25necessarily believe you.
11:27Okay, you dumb bastard.
11:29What more proof do you need?
11:30But I don't necessarily think that you're lying, either.
11:33I just...
11:34Jesus.
11:37Yeah, well, I've been busy, pal.
11:39That's what Sam always said.
11:43Said.
11:44Dude, I'm not dead.
11:45I'm standing right here.
11:46Oh, God.
11:47I need a drink.
11:47Jesus.
11:48Jesus.
11:55Doc.
11:56You're my best friend.
11:59Actually, you're my only friend.
12:02Doc, you gotta believe me.
12:03Man, you gotta help me.
12:04I just...
12:05I don't know where to turn.
12:07I wanna...
12:08I wanna help you, Sam.
12:13Sam, that's a good start.
12:14But I don't know how.
12:16Well, God damned if I know!
12:17When did this happen?
12:23So I go into this little shop down in the village.
12:25I talk to some funny old dude.
12:28I go home.
12:29I wake up in the morning.
12:29And I'm a chick.
12:30You remember where this place was?
12:33Well, I don't know exactly.
12:35Well, come on.
12:37Come on.
12:39So where's this magical shop?
12:42I'm telling you, this is the street.
12:44Hmm.
12:46Sure.
12:48Um, excuse me.
12:49Hi, excuse me.
12:50I'm sorry.
12:50Is there, um, like a little brick-a-brack shop on this street?
12:54A what?
12:54You know, like, um, uh, a shop with, like, a whole bunch of old crap in it.
12:58Like, 50 years ago.
12:59You know what the rent is like around here?
13:04You know what the rent is like around here?
13:06Okay, okay, fine.
13:09Maybe it's not this street.
13:11Maybe you're not Sam.
13:12I have patients in the morning, and I'm gonna go.
13:14No, no, wait, okay, wait, wait.
13:15Just, can we meet tomorrow, then?
13:18At our spot?
13:19You know what I'm talking about?
13:21I do, but do you?
13:22Alice in Wonderland statue, Central Park.
13:24Well, deal?
13:28Cool.
13:29She even eats like him.
13:42Alright, let's go to your office.
13:43I want you to examine me.
13:45What?
13:48No!
13:49No, ew, no way!
13:51Maybe you can find something.
13:53Like my cock.
13:55No.
13:56Why the hell not?
13:58Because it's weird, that's why.
14:01I'm not looking for your cock.
14:03I'll send you a referral or something.
14:05I don't want another gynecologist.
14:07I want you.
14:08You're my best friend.
14:10Nice talking to you.
14:10Lulu, you are looking lovely as usual.
14:23I'm sorry, who are you?
14:25Oh, Lulu, this is Sam's cousin, Samantha.
14:28She's just filling in for Sam
14:30while he's off on some little sabbatical.
14:32Family business.
14:33Oh.
14:34Oh, nothing serious.
14:36But excuse me, I gotta take a leak.
14:39I'm gonna use a little girl's room.
14:44She's quite a pistol, that one.
14:47Seymour, that girl needs a makeover.
14:53Yes, miss, what can I get you?
14:55Okay, let's see.
14:57A pint and a shot of whiskey, please.
14:59And actually, can you give me the whiskey
15:01while you pull the pint?
15:02Certainly.
15:03Enjoy.
15:03You know, I just love a woman
15:11who knows how to drink.
15:13A drink.
15:14Are you serious?
15:15Seriously, dude, just screw off, all right?
15:17You don't have to get nasty.
15:18I was gonna buy you the next one.
15:21Maybe two.
15:22Okay, you know what?
15:23Barkeep.
15:24Here.
15:25Cancel the pint.
15:27Screw off, man.
15:29You're lost, baby.
15:30Let me just go.
15:50Get rid of whoever is, all right?
15:55Yeah.
15:56Yes.
15:57Jesus.
15:58Doc.
16:02Please, no.
16:04I'm bleeding.
16:05Now is not a good time.
16:07I have been hemorrhaging all night.
16:10Down there.
16:12You're menstruating.
16:13What?
16:13You're having your period.
16:15I'm riding the cotton pony!
16:17Andrew, doesn't your colorful friend realize
16:20that office hours haven't begun?
16:22Doc, what am I gonna do?
16:24You buy yourself some tampons.
16:26Oh, my God.
16:27Okay, you need to leave right now.
16:29You need to get out of here.
16:30Andrew, you should make her leave this instant.
16:32Oh, she's still bossing you around, huh?
16:34Andrew, I can't believe that you were letting this creature talk to me like that.
16:39Oh, Andrew, I can't believe that I'm in this creature.
16:41Talk to me like that.
16:42Fuck you and the horse that you rode in on.
16:44Please.
16:44Please.
16:45Do I have to throw you out myself?
16:47Oh.
16:48Try it.
16:48I do kickboxing.
16:50Chick's only hit chicks in the movies, am I right?
16:55Oh!
16:56Yeah?
16:56Yeah!
16:57Stop it!
16:58Stop!
16:58Oh, stop!
16:59No!
16:59Stop!
17:00Oh!
17:01Ah!
17:02No!
17:04Stop!
17:04Stop me!
17:05No!
17:06All right!
17:08Enough!
17:09Enough!
17:10She started it!
17:12Sam, I think you better go.
17:15Sam?
17:17Did you just call her Sam?
17:19Samantha.
17:19She's Sam's cousin.
17:22Oh.
17:23Oh, okay.
17:24Well, this makes perfect sense.
17:25Shut up!
17:26Why doesn't she go?
17:27Because she is my fiancé.
17:30And you are my patient.
17:33Don't ever do this.
17:36Wait, no.
17:37Can we just talk about this?
17:39Later.
17:40Wait, but later, later, or never later?
17:42Just go.
17:44Oh.
17:45Wait.
17:53Well, what am I supposed to do with these?
18:03Oh, and don't forget the pearls.
18:09You're Samantha.
18:11My 1.30.
18:12Yeah, no.
18:14No.
18:15I'm a...
18:16I'm a...
18:17I gotta go.
18:18Come here.
18:23Turn around.
18:27My studio tomorrow, 3 p.m., and let's do try to be on time now.
18:31Shall we?
18:33Do you dare put these on?
18:37Uh, yeah, man, listen.
18:39Uh, I'm not here for dance lessons.
18:41I am here to teach you to be a girl.
18:46What?
18:48Say, OK.
18:56Yeah.
19:56All right, Mrs. Smith.
20:06Doc, please just hear me out.
20:19No.
20:20Doc, please.
20:23You have five minutes.
20:24I paid for an hour.
20:25I'll reimburse you.
20:26Four minutes, 50 seconds.
20:28Why don't you start by telling me what the hell you're doing in my office?
20:32Well, I tried calling you.
20:34I've tried emailing you.
20:35It's been two weeks.
20:37I was hoping you'd get the message.
20:39What message?
20:40The message that my life was fine before you happened and totally screwed everything
20:47up.
20:47Do you think I was just going to forget how you nearly broke up Cynthia and I?
20:51Doc, we're dudes.
20:54We fight, get drunk, and then make up.
20:57We are not dudes, Sam.
21:00Only one of us is a dude.
21:03That's the problem.
21:06That's always going to be the problem.
21:09Don't you think that I'm sick of this too?
21:12Hearing Alvin the chipmunk coming out of my mouth every time I speak?
21:15Having this face staring back at me every morning?
21:19Okay, relax.
21:20It's not such a bad face.
21:23Maybe you could get used to it.
21:24No, Doc.
21:25No.
21:26I'm not going to get used to this.
21:28I don't want to live this life anymore.
21:30Hey, don't talk like that.
21:34You know about drugs and hormone therapy and all that, so...
21:41I don't know.
21:42Maybe if I was a dude again, then everything would just be okay.
21:46You know, maybe we could go back to being friends.
21:49You're serious?
21:52As a heart attack.
21:56What you're talking about requires a lot more than hormones.
22:03How much more?
22:04We're talking about serious stuff.
22:05I mean, it's a full sex change.
22:08Major, major stuff.
22:10How major are we talking?
22:19You sure you want to do this?
22:30Give it some time, okay?
22:32Take a minute.
22:34How about we just take it over and...
22:39Okay.
22:41Now let's just keep this between the two of us, right?
22:46Mom's the word, pal.
22:50You know, I'm starving.
22:53You want to grab a bite?
22:54I need you to explain something to me.
23:01The doctor is in?
23:03I, uh...
23:04I need you to explain to me why there is nothing happening down there.
23:11You skipped your period.
23:13What?
23:14Oh, my God.
23:14No.
23:15No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
23:17No.
23:17I, um...
23:18You know, I look at girls, nothing.
23:20I look at guys, nothing.
23:22I look at porn, nothing.
23:24So what, am I frigid?
23:26Do I have some kind of mental problems?
23:27I mean...
23:29I don't know.
23:30I feel like a fucking female eunuch.
23:34What?
23:34What?
23:35A little louder.
23:36I don't think they heard you in Cleveland.
23:38Look.
23:40It's complex.
23:42Complex?
23:43You touch them in the right spot, they get hot.
23:46Some women can achieve full arousal as quickly as men.
23:49Most can't.
23:50Yeah, but that's just plumbing.
23:52It takes them a little longer to warm up,
23:55but with me, there's just, like, nothing happening.
23:57Women have a completely different mind-body connection than men.
24:01Their arousal is more subtle.
24:03It's more intricate.
24:05Which, translated from new age cycle babble, means what?
24:08They have to really like the person they're with
24:10to feel fully aroused.
24:12Let's face it.
24:13Women are complicated.
24:15Yeah, you're telling me.
24:20Oh, shoot.
24:22The office.
24:24Meeting got pushed up.
24:25I gotta go.
24:27No.
24:31What's wrong?
24:33Um, can I just call you later and maybe talk more about the issue?
24:39Sure.
24:40Just, uh, remember to stay out of trouble.
24:44Promise.
24:44You look so nice, Samantha.
24:49Thanks, Margaret.
24:51So do you.
24:52Okay, they're waiting for you in the conference room.
24:54I punch up the graphics in the proposal.
24:56Added some extras.
25:00Wow.
25:02Nice work, Margaret.
25:03Well, she certainly cleans up nicely.
25:12You look stunning.
25:15I mean, stunning.
25:18Come over here and sit next to Seymour.
25:20I'm fine.
25:21I'm fine.
25:21Right over here.
25:23Samantha, as I recall, you had some wonderful ideas about our internet campaign.
25:29Oh, yes.
25:29And before I begin, I would like to just say thank you to Margaret for all the wonderful
25:36work that she did on these reports.
25:40Now, as you can see from this chart, the models that we used on this season's online campaign
25:46scored highest between the ages of 34 and 44.
25:50And the numbers start to less.
25:52An excellent presentation, Sam.
25:54May I call you Sam?
25:56I prefer it, actually.
25:57We will be in touch about the details.
26:00I look forward to it.
26:02I think this calls for a little promotion.
26:05We'll go over the specifics in my office.
26:07Cocktails mandatory.
26:09How about we skip the cocktails and settle on a 20% raise?
26:13Huh?
26:13A raise!
26:15I think that's a capital idea.
26:17And a bonus, too.
26:18I mean, after all, she's earned it, hasn't she?
26:21I suppose we could do a bonus, but...
26:24Seymour, remember our little understanding, don't you?
26:29Oh, of course.
26:30Meow, baby.
26:36I think a raise this big deserves a hug.
26:41You don't know what you're missing.
26:45And another thing.
26:46That promotion, it's going to Margaret.
26:50Huh?
26:51She earned it.
26:53Actually, she should have gotten it three years ago,
26:55but you and Sam were too busy stealing all of her ideas to give it to her.
26:58I don't know about that.
27:01I do.
27:02And I'm sure Lulu would love to hear about Margaret's contributions over the years.
27:08You would do that?
27:11Us girls have to stick together.
27:12Samantha.
27:17Hey, Margaret.
27:18You know, you didn't need to say that about me in the meeting and to Mr. Cavallo.
27:23Actually, I did.
27:25I don't know how to thank you.
27:28Just keep doing what you're doing.
27:32Thanks again.
27:33Of course.
27:34That feels good, Sam.
27:48Sam?
27:55What is it, Susu?
27:57You just called me Sam.
28:01No, I didn't.
28:03Yes, you most certainly did.
28:05What the...
28:06What the hell is going on right now?
28:09What are you talking about?
28:11Is it that cousin of his?
28:13That little tramp that showed up here faking her period?
28:17She wasn't faking it.
28:18Oh, so now you're defending her?
28:20No, what?
28:21You're...
28:22That's not what I said.
28:23Oh, my God.
28:25Oh, my God.
28:27You're gay.
28:30What?
28:31That's it.
28:32I've been a perfect fool.
28:34You and Mr. Sleazebag have been having a secret affair behind my back in all this time.
28:40I thought you were straight.
28:42Oh, my God.
28:43Oh, my God.
28:45I'm straight.
28:47Can we just talk this over?
28:49There's nothing to talk about.
28:51Goodbye.
28:53So, how bad a fight was it?
28:59I didn't say we had a fight.
29:01You didn't have to.
29:03You got that post-fight look.
29:06Droopy shoulders, a little mopey around the edges.
29:08Sam, I don't want to talk about it.
29:11All right, fine, man.
29:12Suit yourself.
29:17Hey, dude.
29:19What about me?
29:20What about you?
29:22Well, I might be a few pounds lighter, but I can still catch a football.
29:24Sam, we don't play tackle football with women.
29:28End of discussion.
29:29Dude, I still got the chops.
29:30Please close.
29:32Sexist pig.
29:32I heard that.
29:34Ready?
29:35Yeah, I think so.
29:36All right, guys.
29:37Let's play some football.
29:39Yeah, this chick.
29:40Her name's Samantha.
29:42She's Sam's cousin.
29:43Yeah, Steve.
29:45Sam's told me all about you, dude.
29:47Congratulations on the wedding, by the way, from what Sam tells me you're getting quite a girl.
29:51Okay.
29:54Quite a girl.
29:55Are you kidding about playing?
29:57Yeah, she's kidding.
29:58No, no, she's not kidding.
30:00We're all great football players in my family, and believe me, guys, I know how to handle a ball.
30:07I'm sure you do.
30:08One play.
30:09No.
30:10Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
30:13Okay, let's let it play.
30:14Let's go.
30:14One play.
30:15Come on.
30:15Girl, let's go.
30:17Come on.
30:17Come on.
30:18Woo!
30:19Woo!
30:19I have to put in a champ.
30:20See it?
30:23Go!
30:27Whoa!
30:28Got it!
30:28Oh, shit!
30:31Steve, fucking Steve!
30:33You got off of me!
30:35Steve, stop robbing my ass!
30:39Fucker!
30:40Wait, what?
30:41Get off!
30:41Steve!
30:43Go!
30:44Save it for Georgette!
30:45What?
30:46Better shut this girl up!
30:47Yeah, I know how much you like the ass, Clay.
30:49Relax, dude.
30:49Relax.
30:50Come on.
30:50No, you know what?
30:51I don't even know why you're hanging out with this bitch instead of Cynthia anyway.
30:54Don't call her a bitch, Steve.
30:55Oh, she's a bitch.
30:57Okay, so now I'm a bitch.
30:58Oh, you're a grade-A bitch.
31:00I told you not to call her a bitch.
31:02Oh, sorry.
31:03Little bitch.
31:04You fucking...
31:04Guys, guys, get off the fucking ass!
31:06Come on!
31:07Guys, come on!
31:07Guys, come on!
31:07Get some shit!
31:08Relax!
31:09Come on, relax.
31:10Listen.
31:11Come on.
31:11We're all friends.
31:12Shake hands.
31:13Come on.
31:14Uh-huh.
31:15We're friends.
31:16Doc.
31:23Come on, man.
31:24It's okay.
31:24Let it go.
31:25No.
31:26It's not okay, all right?
31:29Nothing is okay.
31:32Doc.
31:32You were right.
31:34She left me.
31:36Are you happy now?
31:37Peace offering.
32:04Listen, Doc.
32:05Um, I know that Cynthia and I don't get along, but if she's what you want, then...
32:14Lately, I don't know what I want.
32:17I do know I am sick of getting my balls busted by her.
32:22Well, at least you have balls.
32:26Oh, God.
32:30You're having a muscle spasm.
32:31No, it's fine.
32:32It's fine.
32:32I'll just take some aspirin.
32:33Who's the doctor here?
32:34I'll lay down.
32:36Come on.
32:40Turn over.
32:41Okay.
32:42Right there?
32:44Oh, God, yeah.
32:45How does that feel?
32:47Oh, much better.
32:49I have to use the john.
32:59Oh, my God.
33:14She's alive.
33:15You.
33:16You.
33:16Yes.
33:17Me.
33:17I think it's time that, uh...
33:30You know, you and I had a little talk.
33:32Uh, what would you like to talk about?
33:35The fact that you stole my man and I'd like him back.
33:42Decent men in this city are few and far between.
33:47Oh, you forgot rich.
33:51Women like me, okay?
33:54Successful career women.
33:56Women who think about tomorrow.
33:59Women who plan maybe five, ten years ahead in their life.
34:03We sometimes, we have to settle.
34:08Settle.
34:09Settle.
34:10Or were you born yesterday?
34:12Actually, about a month ago.
34:13How much?
34:16What?
34:17You heard me.
34:18How much do you want to, uh, let him go?
34:22I'm sorry.
34:24Are you trying to buy me off?
34:28You're obviously the type, you know.
34:31I mean, if it walks like a duck...
34:34How would you like me to belt you in the mouth like a duck?
34:41Andrew.
34:45I...
34:46I'm...
34:47I'm so sorry.
34:51Just please...
34:52Please what?
34:52We are so done.
35:03Okay.
35:05Alright, well, when you change your mind and you come begging, don't bother calling, okay?
35:09Because I'm changing my number.
35:10Change your hairstyle while you're at it.
35:14It's really not a good look on her, you know?
35:17Look, Doc, I would say that I'm sorry, but, you know, I'm just, I'm just not.
35:31Please.
35:34You just did me the biggest favor of my life.
35:37Yeah?
35:39Were you really gonna belt her?
35:42Hell yeah.
35:44Spunky little thing, aren't you?
35:47In a manner of speaking?
35:54Damn.
35:56What?
35:56I just realized I don't have a date to Steve's wedding.
36:00You're still going to that thing?
36:02You saw, we shook.
36:04Well, I would go with you, only...
36:07You are going with me.
36:08Yeah, man, I don't really think that Steve would be cool with that.
36:12Tough.
36:13We're a team.
36:15Package deal.
36:16Anybody who doesn't like it, can shove it.
36:20I can't zip this thing off.
36:31What do you think?
36:33Is this appropriate enough for the wedding?
36:35I, uh...
36:39Oh, hashtag clue.
36:41A dress like this has nothing to do with appropriateness.
36:44It's sole purposes to engender insane jealousy among women and hormonal overload in the men.
36:49Well, the straight ones, at least.
36:51All the gay ones' eyeballs will be over your boyfriend over here.
36:55Oh, no, he's not my boyfriend.
36:56Oh, not her boyfriend.
36:57They say rather loudly.
37:00So, Doc, what do you think?
37:01Is this the one?
37:04Yeah, it's good.
37:06It's fine.
37:08Write it up, Marie.
37:09Excellent choice.
37:10What?
37:13Oh, nothing.
37:15I was just thinking of the looks on the guys' faces if I play my game at the wedding.
37:21Your what?
37:22The tricks that chicks use to get guys' attention.
37:25Okay.
37:28For example, the stocking check.
37:34Oh, my goodness.
37:37Is that a run?
37:39How perfectly awful.
37:42Yeah.
37:43Works like a charm every time.
37:47What, you gotta have the gams to back it up.
37:51Oh, my God.
37:55Sam, what's going on?
38:10What?
38:10Is everything all right?
38:13You're downstairs.
38:15Yeah.
38:16Yeah, just come on up.
38:18Come on in.
38:24How's it going?
38:25Um, yeah, good, good.
38:28Yeah, I think, um, probably.
38:32Probably.
38:33What's wrong?
38:34You know what?
38:35I'm sorry.
38:35I, um, I'm gonna go.
38:38This can, this isn't, this can wait.
38:40Oh, hey.
38:41Hold on.
38:41What's wrong?
38:43I'm sensing a disturbance in the force.
38:46What's going on?
38:47Well, it's, um, it's about the issue.
38:54The issue.
38:56Yeah.
38:57Uh, the issue.
38:59Oh.
38:59The issue.
39:00The...
39:01You're still having problems with the arousal thing.
39:04Oh, God.
39:05No, no.
39:05Actually, um, it's been fine.
39:07Uh, how fine?
39:09Like, um, you know, once a day?
39:13More.
39:15Two, three times a day?
39:18More than three times?
39:20Yeah.
39:21Per day?
39:22Yeah.
39:23How much more?
39:24Six.
39:27Today?
39:28Tonight.
39:29You know what, Doc?
39:31I'm so sorry.
39:32I'm really embarrassed.
39:33I think...
39:34Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go.
39:35Whoa, whoa.
39:36Come on.
39:36It's fine.
39:37What's going on?
39:40I don't know.
39:41It's just that, you know, she's, um...
39:43She's being really specific about, about, um, who she wants.
39:50Like, if I, um, if I think of, um, this one person, she gets, like, really, really happy.
39:58And then, if I think about anyone else, she gets, like, really cranky.
40:02So, uh, who's the lucky, uh...
40:09No!
40:12No!
40:13Fuck!
40:13Oh, fuck!
40:14No!
40:15Yeah, Doc, you know what?
40:15Oh, my God, I'm so stupid.
40:17I'm so sorry.
40:18You know what?
40:18Just forget that I said anything.
40:19Oh, no, no, no.
40:20You know what?
40:21Just wait.
40:21Hold on.
40:23Um, listen, I'm the one who should be apologizing here because...
40:28You come in, and then you are honest with me, and what I do is I play 20 questions with
40:33you, and, uh, um, that's not fair because what you're dealing with is, uh, you're trying
40:39to compact, like, 30 years of female psychological development into a few really short months,
40:44and, and, um, I think that what you're gonna find is that, uh, in time, the sexual focus,
40:50uh, shifts, uh, shifts, and it expands, and that, uh, there are techniques you can use, um, to, uh, uh, uh...
41:02I'm babbling.
41:04Yeah.
41:07Because I'm completely full of shit.
41:12Yeah.
41:14Sam!
41:18Buddy!
41:19We used to chase babes together.
41:22You know, we would, uh, we'd get hammered together.
41:25I can't help it.
41:26She won't listen to me.
41:27Time out.
41:32Time out.
41:33Let's, um, let's breathe.
41:39Oh, it's good.
41:40Right like that.
41:41We're gonna breathe.
41:42We had a moment, and, um, the moment passed.
41:47And we're fine.
41:48You're fine?
41:49I'm in heat!
41:51Sam!
41:51Oh, sit!
41:52Just, why don't you sit?
41:54Why don't, um, um, yeah, uh, eat some chips.
41:59And I'm gonna get, uh, you a beer.
42:02We're gonna get a beer, and we're gonna talk this out.
42:05Oh.
42:06You know, we are gonna look back at this, and we're gonna...
42:26Oh, God, you smell so good.
42:41Um, that's, those are, uh, it's just androgens.
42:46Those are pheromones, and that's a chemical...
42:49Uh-uh.
42:50Uh-huh.
42:54What?
42:57I'm getting the uncontrollable urge to...
43:00cuddle.
43:04Ugh.
43:07Wow.
43:08Wow.
43:20Ye olde curiosity shop.
43:37Tonight at midnight.
43:40To make the choice.
43:41To make the choice.
44:15Thanks, Doc. Thanks for coming.
44:18And, uh, you're here.
44:20It was a beautiful ceremony.
44:23So you're Sam's cousin.
44:26Same blood runs through our veins.
44:29I've heard a lot about you.
44:30Only good things, right?
44:32So, uh, how is Sam doing anyway?
44:36Oh, uh, he's like a new person.
44:40Sort of feels like he's with us here in spirit.
44:41Well, uh, we don't want to hoard all of your time.
44:46Come on, Sam, Manta.
44:48Let's go get a cocktail.
44:49Enjoy.
44:52Weird.
44:53You know, when I was a guy, I used to do this for girls.
44:58Oh, who am I kidding?
44:59I don't think I've ever done this for a woman.
45:02You know, I think you've grown your own brand of chivalry.
45:08Thanks, Doc.
45:10What's wrong, Sam?
45:12You seem sad, I noticed in the car on the way over.
45:18Let's just talk about it later, okay?
45:22You know what?
45:22I think...
45:23I think they might be playing our song.
45:26We have a song.
45:29We do now.
45:31Come on.
45:33May I have this dance?
45:36It doesn't bear as shit.
45:38Of course you may.
45:39So what's it like?
45:51What's what like?
45:53Being a woman.
45:54It's like someone added 27 frequencies to my radio dial.
46:01Which means?
46:02When I walk into a room, I pretty much know what's going on with everybody.
46:13Whether they're happy or horny or sad, or if they have a chance in hell of stealing you away from me.
46:23Anybody in here, uh, giving you any competition?
46:31See that blonde over there by the punch bowl?
46:33Yeah?
46:34Yeah?
46:35Well, she'd have a shot at you.
46:37If she wasn't so busy checking out that guy's Rolex, and...
46:41If...
46:43If you weren't totally smitten with me.
46:49Oh.
46:51I'm smitten, huh?
46:54Crazy in love.
46:58Wow.
46:59You're good.
47:00Feeling's mutual, by the way.
47:18I know it's you, Sam.
47:21But you're different.
47:29Good different?
47:30No.
47:33Not good.
47:38Amazing.
47:48When's the last time you kissed me like that?
47:52Tonight?
47:54Hmm?
47:55Mm-hmm.
48:01What?
48:02What, do you have a hot date or something?
48:03Come on, you're spoiling my after all.
48:07I have to talk to you outside.
48:10Right now.
48:18I need a favor.
48:21Anything.
48:22Can you drive me down to the village?
48:24Now?
48:25What for?
48:27Do you trust me?
48:29Of course I trust you.
48:30Then just please don't ask any questions.
48:33Okay.
48:34If that's the way you want it.
48:37Okay, but we have to leave right now.
48:40I need to be there by midnight.
48:41Okay.
48:41Doc.
48:49Doc.
48:49No.
48:49Sam.
48:50No.
48:50Sam.
48:51No.
48:51No.
49:00No.
49:00Sam.
49:01No.
49:01No.
49:02Doc.
49:07No.
49:08Sam.
49:09No.
49:32No.
50:02No.
50:32No.
50:44The mademoiselle says key, I turn my head, it's me.
50:52Could it be true, or I turn off a screw,
50:57or just those birds and bees?
51:01Mm-hmm, lemmas else's key.
51:10Mm-hmm, lemmas else's key.