Skip to playerSkip to main contentSkip to footer
couchtripperdocs
  • 2 days ago

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00Hi, are you ready with your line, sir?
00:05Yeah, yeah, I should get it right this time.
00:07Let's come this way.
00:08Yeah.
00:09I'll just shut my tank back.
00:11OK, I'll shut up and set.
00:14Make-up, please.
00:15Come on, Jake.
00:16Come on, you're on fire, Jake.
00:18Shoot me this time.
00:19Thanks, guys.
00:23See you tomorrow, guys.
00:24Speak as you can, please.
00:25OK.
00:26Very close now, guys.
00:28Do you want make-up in?
00:31Yeah.
00:32OK, thank you.
00:33Please check.
00:34We're absolutely sure of a sharp on this, please, guys.
00:36Can you just get a move on?
00:37It's really hot in this thing, please.
00:38Now you know what they mean by global warming.
00:40Yeah, yeah.
00:41Very funny.
00:42Close for a take.
00:43So that is over.
00:4437 take 12.
00:45Give me the plan, please.
00:47OK.
00:48And cue litter.
00:50And action!
00:52Ever had the feeling you'd been dumped on?
00:54Did you know that 90% of the stuff you chuck out could be recycled?
00:59So please, think about what you'd throw away.
01:05We could all end up in a mug.
01:08OK.
01:09And cue!
01:10Fantastic.
01:11Are you sure I can't say shit?
01:13Yes, sir.
01:14Nothing's gonna be bothered.
01:15Yes, sir.
01:20I'm good at it.
01:24Dear pizza lover, is that all I'm known by these people?
01:41I've had one pizza off them. They assumed I loved it.
01:45You see this? Look at this.
01:47New kind of credit card. You get a picture of an animal to go on.
01:50It's nice, isn't it?
01:52Yeah, definitely.
01:52It's a great idea.
01:54Snow leopard, a penguin you can have, hummingbird.
01:57It's a very sensible way to run your financial affairs.
02:01How would you like to pay?
02:02Well, there's a little picture of a dolphin.
02:05I feel a mediocre routine coming on.
02:09Oh, that's nice. Louise has invited us to the christening.
02:12Which one's Louise?
02:13You know, TV chef, dark hair, presents meals on heels.
02:17Oh, the tarty one.
02:18She's very sweet in real life.
02:20And actually, she's been trying for a baby for ages, so this is a big occasion.
02:23Oh, you don't want to go, do you?
02:24God, no. Her husband's a total creep.
02:26Well, he's the one who devised meals on heels, so you can imagine.
02:31So are we going to say we're busy?
02:33Can't just say we're busy for a thing like that.
02:36You've got to have a pretty good excuse not to go to a christening.
02:38I'll say your mother's ill and, um, we've promised to go up and see her.
02:48Why does it have to be my mum? Could it not be your mum who's ill?
02:52If your mother lives further away, we have to stay over it. It's more believable.
02:56Yeah.
02:57I don't know if I like lying about my mum's health. I'm sort of superstitious about it.
03:01But you're fine with my mum being ill.
03:02Yeah. Well, not in real life, God forbid, you know. But as a lie, it's fine.
03:07Well, it's your client. I think it should be your mum.
03:09And besides, your mum really was ill last year. It's more likely she'll get ill again, so...
03:13Thanks.
03:14No, I'm not meaning to upset you. I'm just, you know, if you...
03:17She might not get ill again. It's just that if you're going to lie, always base it on her truth.
03:21It's a basic tradecraft, you know. It's the first thing I teach her at MI5.
03:26What?
03:26What? I was on spooks.
03:28Good. I'll get us out of going. You get the present.
03:33Don't send me off to get the present. I don't know what to get. I don't know what babies are into these days.
03:40Blimey. Is that...
03:43How old is...
03:46She. Trixabelle must be about three months now.
03:52It's... interesting looking baby. I mean...
03:55Yeah, she's quite a character.
03:58One of those babies with rather a grown-up face.
04:03Yeah, yeah. It's grown up.
04:05Especially the ears.
04:06Yeah.
04:09Really quite grown up.
04:1015 takes, right? Because there's so many technical cock-ups. I'm standing there in this giant polystyrene planet costume burning up under the studio lights. I said, now I know what you mean by global warming.
04:30That's a good line. They should have put that in.
04:32That's what I told them. They're not interested in making it funny, though. All they care about is getting their message across.
04:38Mm-hmm.
04:39So, what about this gig on Friday? You got some stuff for me?
04:40Cashloans.com? Yes, I do.
04:42Do you think it's going to be a good crowd or just a bunch of psychos like their MD?
04:47Not pretty much a bunch of psychos. But I think once they let their hair down, you'll be okay.
04:51Oh, yeah. So you've written a load of gags that are going to get me beaten up, have you?
04:54Yeah, but they're good gags.
04:56Cashloans.com. Normally, before I do these things, people say break a leg, but of course, that's your job.
05:01The chef hopes you enjoy the dinner. He tried to pick a dish that you would all know. Prison food.
05:07That's funny.
05:08It's great that Steve Collier, your MD, is here. Strictly speaking, it is a breach of parole. But hey, you know he's actually been in prison.
05:13Makes it funnier.
05:14I wanted to see what Steve Collier looks like. I've heard all about him because last time he was in jail, I screwed his wife.
05:20That's the one.
05:21You must be joking if you think I'm going to do this stuff.
05:23That's the one.
05:24Well, it's all right for you to say that's the one. I can't do that.
05:26No, no, no, no, no.
05:27What? It's funny.
05:28I can't take that, you know?
05:29You're being too safe now. Don't be checking.
05:31Start again. It's all right. Some stuff that won't get me killed.
05:34Where is the fun in that? I know funny.
05:38Hi, Magnum.
05:39It's just boiled.
05:40Who is this baby?
05:43Oh, it's Louise Preston. She's a client of Miles. Just had a baby. She invited us to the christening.
05:49It's very ugly.
05:50Yeah, I usually wouldn't say that about a baby, though.
05:54But his?
05:55She.
05:56His ears are huge, like a man.
05:58Yeah, I know, but still, probably nicer not to have actually just come out with it and call it her ugly.
06:03But why? You think it's a beautiful baby?
06:05No. No, I don't. But it's just one of those things when you're talking about babies, in this country anyway, you just say, what, nice baby.
06:11But if you always say, nice baby, nice baby, it has no meaning.
06:14Exactly. And that's okay. It doesn't matter. It's just, you know, it's just one of those things you say, nice baby.
06:19Still, it will be nice to go to the christening.
06:22Well, we're not actually going, so...
06:25Why?
06:26Well, because we don't want to. So we're going to say, Mel's mum is ill.
06:29But you just say, oh, we don't want to come. But thank you. Have a nice day. Goodbye.
06:34Yeah, that's a bit rude, though, isn't it, really, to put it like that. It's their first baby, so that's why we need an excuse.
06:41It's a lie?
06:42Yeah, but it's a white lie.
06:46Well, when you lie so as not to hurt someone's feelings, that's a white lie.
06:53So, if I meet them, I would say, oh, it's a beautiful baby.
07:00Yeah. Yeah, that would be a white lie.
07:03So...
07:04It's ears are just the right size.
07:07Probably better not to mention the ears, really, because it's...
07:13Take a look at this. You ever seen such a hideous baby? I've got to buy you a christening present.
07:19Ouch. Don't buy it a mirror.
07:21I've never seen ears like it.
07:22They're like baseball mitts.
07:25How are you going in this, the christening?
07:27Nah. I'm going to say, Mel's mum is ill.
07:29Which she is.
07:30Not anymore. Who would have been ideal if she got better?
07:32Who are these people? Louise and Graham.
07:34You know that show, Meals on Heels? That's her.
07:36Meals on Heels. What came first with that? Was it the title or the format?
07:40Oh, no. I know. Let's get a woman who can cook really well and dress her like a prosy and then we can call it Meals on Heels.
07:45Yeah. Hookers on Cookers.
07:49Slappers on...
07:52And what?
07:54Slappers...
07:56There's nothing. There's nothing.
07:57Come on, come on. You can do it. Come on.
07:59You know what? I'll probably get to the shops and get that present now, I think.
08:02Slappers on what?
08:03See you at the cafe. I'll tell you later.
08:06Slappers on...
08:12Hello.
08:13Hi.
08:14Was it anything in particular?
08:15I just wanted to have a look at my mate.
08:16Of course. I'll let you browse.
08:27Yes, that is nice.
08:36Is it a present?
08:39Yeah, it's a christening.
08:42Oh, lovely.
08:46Sorry, I'll let you look.
08:49I've got that in a blue as well, if you will.
08:51OK.
08:56That's made of wool.
08:58Is it really?
08:59Yes.
09:05What is it?
09:06Is it a blanket?
09:08Is baby, erm, you know...
09:10What?
09:11Boy or girl?
09:13Oh, that's girl.
09:15Oh!
09:22Somebody's coming to say hello-hoo!
09:25These are fun, aren't they?
09:26Yeah, isn't it?
09:28Oh, I've got some lovely little bonnets for a girl.
09:32Cute.
09:36I'm not really sure she'd get her head into that.
09:42Right.
09:47Yes.
09:49Isn't he gorgeous?
09:51Lovely.
09:52Handmaid in Austria.
09:53Limited edition.
09:55So how much is that?
09:56£140.
10:00Yeah.
10:01That's more of a collector's item, though, that, I think.
10:03Not really.
10:05Sometimes they have spikes inside them in the eye.
10:07I know this one had spikes.
10:08Oh, I saw a documentary.
10:09It's made in Austria, isn't it?
10:10Sorry, they had needles behind your eyes.
10:11No, it's very soft.
10:12Look at it.
10:13Still, yeah.
10:14Could be dangerous.
10:21How much is this?
10:22Now, that is a lovely christening gift.
10:24So how much?
10:25Yeah, and you can get it engraved with baby's name where it says baby.
10:29So how much?
10:30That's £14 for the cup and then £5 for the engraving.
10:34My husband does it.
10:35I know.
10:36Yes.
10:38Shall I get that done for you?
10:40Yeah, all right.
10:41OK, lovely.
10:42So what's baby's name?
10:44Trixie Belle.
10:45Do you want to write it down?
10:46Make sure we get it spelt correctly.
10:48OK.
10:49So that'll be £14 for the cup, £5 for the engraving, additional £5.
10:54So that's £24 in total.
11:01Why am I paying twice for the engraving?
11:03Nine letters, not eight, you see.
11:04It's £5 for up to eight letters and then another £5 for further letters.
11:07But it's only one extra letter.
11:08That seems a bit unfair, doesn't it?
11:09Could you not have a word with your husband?
11:11I'm sorry.
11:12It is his rules.
11:14Well, I don't want to pay £5 for one letter.
11:17Well, it's the way he likes to work, so...
11:19Well, I'm sure it is.
11:20Well, what if I just have Trixie?
11:22Can I get a discount from that?
11:23Is it using fewer letters?
11:24No, I'm afraid you can't.
11:26Because it is £5 for up to eight letters.
11:28It does say so on the tariff.
11:29Yeah, but you wrote the tariff.
11:30You can change the tariff.
11:31You don't have to go by the tariff.
11:32I can't.
11:33Sorry.
11:34Yeah, of course you can.
11:35What do you mean?
11:36It's your shop.
11:37You can change the rules.
11:38Then you can just talk to your husband.
11:39I won't do it!
11:40OK.
11:41Five pounds.
11:42For one letter.
11:43Can you believe it?
11:44It's a highly skilled job engraving.
11:45You're paying for the craftsmanship.
11:46You're not paying for craftsmanship.
11:47Yes, you are.
11:48You're paying for some sad balding loser to sit there in his kitchen in his underpants scratching
11:51away with an etching kit he got from WH Smith on his redundancy money.
11:57OK, whatever.
11:58Whatever.
11:59You're right.
12:00Let's move on.
12:01Shall we?
12:02So, cashloans.com.
12:03What do you got?
12:04How about this?
12:05I rang up once.
12:06They showed a huge amount of interest.
12:0823% in fact.
12:09That's a bit lame, isn't it?
12:10Well, you won't do the strong stuff because you're scared of the Steve Collier guy.
12:11He's a psychopath.
12:13I hope you've got your little wheel ready.
12:14Sorry.
12:15It's a guinea pig reference.
12:16Running round on the little wheels.
12:17That's hamsters.
12:18What do you have?
12:19I guess, it's it's a guinea pig reference.
12:21How many cars have you?
12:22Well, you've got a few cars, let's have a keys on this one.
12:24You've got a little bit of a little bit of a little wheel, but.
12:25It's a little, I guess.
12:26Well, I guess we can talk to you of any cars.
12:28I think that's funny.
12:29What have you got to do with this?
12:30What do you got to do with these cars?
12:31What is that?
12:32What do we got to do?
12:33You've got to do with these cars, I've got to do with these cars in my car.
12:34I know you've got to do with the cars and the cars.
12:35It's a guinea pig reference.
12:37Running round in the little wheels.
12:41That's hamsters.
12:43Right.
12:44Anyway, I was hoping you'd be my guinea pig and sample this.
12:49Walnut and date, another cake by Michael.
12:52Yeah, I'm thinking of branching out and making my own cakes.
12:55Thought maybe you could take it home, share it with your family.
12:58OK.
12:58Perhaps give me some feedback.
13:00Sure.
13:01Then I could put on the label, Ass Recommended by Rick Skleen.
13:03Well, the thing is, I don't know about that, really.
13:07Well, it'd be good publicity for you.
13:09Yeah, but...
13:10He's right, Rick, he's right.
13:12Michael's cake's your face.
13:14Dream ticket.
13:14I'd like to say yes, but I think my agent might have a problem with taking on...
13:19Oh, your agent?
13:21Oh, I'm sorry.
13:22I didn't realise we were going to bring agents into it.
13:26I thought maybe as a friend...
13:28Well, anyway, please accept a decision.
13:33That's a gift.
13:34Any feedback will be gratefully received.
13:36Thank you, and I'll report back.
13:38Yeah.
13:38It's a family recipe.
13:39Mother specialised in making fruit cakes.
13:41It's just impossible.
13:57Every gag leads back to them being a bunch of thugs.
13:59I won't mention what they do.
14:00I'll just do a load of general stand-up for them.
14:02They'll be happy with that.
14:03You'll be letting them down.
14:04They booked you because you're crazy.
14:05You're out there.
14:06You don't care.
14:07It's why they want you.
14:08It's why Mike wants you on his cakes.
14:11You want some of those?
14:12I'm not that crazy.
14:13Maybe we should give some to the birds.
14:14Do you think birds would eat that?
14:15Yeah, it's got seeds in it.
14:16I know, but then they pick it apart.
14:17They peck at it.
14:18You end up with mice in the garden.
14:19It's nice to feed mice.
14:20I don't mind birds, but mice.
14:21They pick around.
14:22I wouldn't worry about mice.
14:23Sorry, you're busy.
14:24Don't worry about mice.
14:24Yeah, we are quite.
14:25Well, actually, I was wondering if you'd be able to cash a check for Ben.
14:28Could the bank not do that for you?
14:29No, not really.
14:30So if you could, just for like £40?
14:33£40.
14:34£50.
14:34£50?
14:35Whatever.
14:36Money for drugs.
14:37Yeah.
14:38Ben, this check you're going to write, I'll definitely be able to bank it, yeah?
14:41Yeah, of course, Dad.
14:42Definitely.
14:42Absolutely.
14:44Well, next month, definitely.
14:46Maybe I should spread the risk.
14:48I give you £25.
14:49Someone else could give you...
14:50Maybe try cashloans.com.
14:52Who?
14:52Oh, it doesn't matter.
14:54I'll do it.
14:54Oh, thanks.
14:55Have you got a pen?
14:58Um, Dad, you know the ad that you did for the environment?
15:01It's like really, really brilliant.
15:03Yeah, you don't have to butter me up.
15:04I'm giving you the money, so you don't have to see anything else.
15:05No, no, no.
15:05Straight up, straight up.
15:06I mean, it's on all the time, isn't it?
15:08A lot of my friends from college love it, because, you know, you don't mind looking like a total prick,
15:11because it's for the planning.
15:13Yeah.
15:16But, you know, brilliant for that.
15:17Thanks.
15:18Mm.
15:19Uh, do I get my check?
15:22Oh, yeah, of course, check.
15:23Sorry.
15:25Pen.
15:26Pen.
15:26Pen.
15:28Cheers, guys.
15:30You're going to sign this?
15:42Mm.
15:43In goes the cream.
15:45I've got to admit, this is rubbish, isn't it?
15:47Oh, no.
15:48Now I've got some vanilla.
15:50Should have called it Hookers on Cookers.
15:51It's the first of a new series.
15:54I promised her I'd watch it.
15:55Oh, my God.
15:55Did you get the present, by the way?
15:57Yeah.
15:57Yeah, I did.
16:00Can I see it?
16:02It's a little christening cup.
16:04Yeah.
16:04Can I see it?
16:10You want to see it?
16:11Yeah.
16:11Before we send it off.
16:14All right.
16:14All right.
16:14I, uh, I got it from that shop in King Street, you know?
16:23Mm.
16:25I'll go and get it, then.
16:33Mm.
16:34Oh, it's heavy.
16:37Yeah, it's pewter.
16:38Nice.
16:39Yeah.
16:41Sweet.
16:44Trixie?
16:47Her name's Trixabel.
16:48Yeah, I know.
16:49I just thought that sounded nicer.
16:51But it's not your baby.
16:52You can't just change its name.
16:54It's not changing its name.
16:55It's an abbreviation.
16:56I, uh, you know, it's bound to happen sooner or later.
16:58But it's a christening present, and they're christening her Trixabel.
17:01It's a stupid bloody name, anyway.
17:02Well, why didn't you just get that engraved on it, then?
17:04Well, it's more than eight letters.
17:07Is that...
17:09I knew it'd be something like that.
17:10It's always the money with you, isn't it?
17:11No, it's not the money.
17:12It's the principle.
17:13Why should they discriminate against people who know people with babies who've got long names?
17:20Yeah.
17:20All right, I'll take it back.
17:21I'll change it.
17:21If you don't like it, I'll take it back and change it.
17:25Did you tell her we can't go?
17:27Yeah.
17:28Yeah.
17:28Um, it was difficult.
17:30What did you say, so I know, just in case I see them?
17:33I said your aunt was in hospital.
17:36Why?
17:38I said she'd been attacked.
17:41What did you say that for?
17:42I know.
17:43Oh, I wish I hadn't.
17:44Louise freaked out, started asking who did it, and had the police found them.
17:48So I had to backpedal and said,
17:50Attacked by dogs, and they ran off.
17:53That's a terrible lie.
17:54That's what a child would say.
17:55Oh, she believed it.
17:57Well, she's a bloody idiot, then.
17:58Well, anyway, I said we were both very sad we couldn't go, and that we'd raise a glass
18:02for the baby.
18:02Oh, yeah.
18:03It is to you.
18:04Oh.
18:06Don't, poor thing.
18:07Oh, look, it's you.
18:10Oh, turn it off.
18:11No.
18:12Everyone's seen it at work.
18:13They like it.
18:14Should have been able to say shit at the end.
18:15That would have been better.
18:16It doesn't need it.
18:17You don't think it makes me look like a total prick or anything, do you?
18:22No.
18:23It's obvious you're doing it for a good cause.
18:25Yeah.
18:26You know, it is one of those things you do because you can.
18:30You only have one planet, and if I can encourage people to look after it for future generations,
18:36then I would have done a good thing.
18:38You know?
18:38And I was paid a lot of money, yes.
18:56How could they do this?
18:57They're scum, Rick.
18:58Just forget it.
19:00Well, you try and do something positive for the planet.
19:02All they can do is sneer and have a go and try and trip you up.
19:05It's what they do.
19:08Journalists.
19:09Going through my bins?
19:10How dare they?
19:11This is bad news, yes?
19:12Kind of bad.
19:13What is problem?
19:14They've gone through our bins, and because they've found a whole load of bottles and cans
19:18that I should have recycled, I'm some kind of monster.
19:21It's the TV commercial that Rick did, telling everyone to recycle.
19:24And you have not done this, yes?
19:25Well, actually, you are the one who throws the bottles out.
19:27I've seen you do it.
19:28You did not tell me to recycle.
19:30I did.
19:30I said it in the ads.
19:31Obviously, I've been wasting my breath.
19:32Look, you're just going to have to do a press release apologizing and, I don't know,
19:37make a donation to Friends of the Earth.
19:39Not those wankers.
19:40I wouldn't use those exact words.
19:42Listen to this.
19:43Not-so-green-spleen is believed to have been paid £20,000 for this campaign.
19:48Get information like that.
19:49Maybe they went through your bins.
19:51Thanks, Marty.
19:52It's like secret police in my country in old days.
19:55They would go through the bins.
19:57Maybe they find a piece of paper where you have said the government is bad.
20:01Then they put you in truck and bang.
20:06Yeah, I don't think you've quite understood the thing.
20:09Oh, no.
20:09What?
20:10Oh, man.
20:11What?
20:12What is it?
20:12They found the cake.
20:15Michael's cake.
20:17Showing just how little he cares for world hunger.
20:20Spleen threw out an entire date and walnut cake.
20:24Discarded despite not even being opened.
20:27I gave you that cake, Magda.
20:28I gave you that cake.
20:29You said you loved it.
20:33Was White's lie?
20:34You're making lucky.
20:41Maybe you didn't read it.
20:42Hi, Michael.
20:43Can we have two coffees, please?
20:44Fine.
20:45He read it.
20:46You're going with the gasoline story.
20:50Michael, you know that cake the other day?
20:52Oh, no.
20:52That's fine, really.
20:53I just wanted to explain.
20:55The thing is, I was in my shed.
20:56Please, don't.
20:57And I was fixing the lawnmower.
20:58It's one of those cylinder ones, you know?
20:59I used to have a fly-mo at night.
21:01Honestly, it's fine.
21:01I was hungry.
21:02And because it's one with a pool start, stupidly, I left the lid off.
21:05And what happens, I know you wrap the cake in some clinking on me.
21:08As we now know, you're incapable of telling the truth.
21:13Be your pardon?
21:15Well, with your attitude to recycling, it appears you have a problem with the truth.
21:20I have a problem?
21:21Yes, a problem.
21:23A problem with telling the truth.
21:26Well, you want the truth, Steve?
21:29All right, I'll tell you the truth.
21:30No, no, no.
21:31Take it easy.
21:31I'll tell you the truth.
21:33I didn't want the cake.
21:35You insisted I had it.
21:37And to spare your feelings, I took it home.
21:39But I didn't want it.
21:41Nobody wanted it.
21:42Even Magda, who grew up in a country where you have to apply in writing and queue for two
21:47weeks for a loaf of bread.
21:48Even she found it so unappetizing that she threw it straight in the bin with all the other
21:55rubbish.
21:55I mean, that is the truth.
22:04Thank you for your feedback.
22:06I don't get many things right the first time, in fact, I am told that a lot.
22:19Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls brought me here.
22:33Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls brought me here.
22:43Where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face?
22:52Now I see it every day, and I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest.
23:18Yes, he's sort of done it, you know.
23:20What do you mean, sort of?
23:21He took it out the back, he had a look at it, it's just...
23:23Yeah, but did he engrave the extra letters, or did he?
23:25Yes, just not very well.
23:28How do you mean?
23:30Well, he made a botched job of it, you know.
23:32He did it in the wrong font.
23:33So, now Trixie is in italics, and Belle isn't.
23:39But they are professional engravers, aren't they?
23:44Yeah, yeah.
23:45It's very disappointing.
23:46So, what did you do?
23:48Did you ask for your money back?
23:50Yeah.
23:50I'll get her something else that we can give.
23:53I mean, to be honest, I've had other things on my mind, so...
23:56Yeah.
23:57Of course, yeah.
23:59Have you heard if they're going to pull the adverts?
24:00No.
24:01They haven't decided yet.
24:03I'm going to do this big apology thing in the tabloids,
24:05and they're setting up a photo shoot of me sitting in a dustbin, so...
24:10Well, then, that's it sorted, then, isn't it?
24:14No, not really.
24:14I mean, you saw what it said.
24:16More secrets from Rick's bins tomorrow.
24:18What else are they going to put?
24:18What have they got?
24:19Just stringing it out.
24:20Some of very interesting stuff the second day.
24:22I wouldn't worry about it.
24:23They'll just be repeating it all.
24:24Hiya.
24:25Hi.
24:25How are you?
24:26How was college?
24:27Did you get your project in?
24:29Uh, yeah.
24:30Yeah, well, sort of.
24:32Mum, that, the, uh, you know about the whole bin thing,
24:35and the paper, and...
24:36Yeah, look, I was going to say,
24:37if your friends at college, if they feel let down, I'm sorry.
24:40It's just one of those things.
24:41Yeah, no, no, well, actually, they found it quite funny.
24:45Yeah, no, but the thing is that, um,
24:48Ben thinks that he might have accidentally put a spliff in the bin.
24:53Accidentally might have?
24:54Does he know?
24:56Did he do it or not?
24:57Um, he's not exactly sure.
25:00He was, he was, like, a bit gone.
25:01Well, thanks for being honest.
25:05I, you know...
25:06Really?
25:07Yeah.
25:09All right, then.
25:11OK, I'll see you.
25:12Yeah.
25:12Bye.
25:13See you later, then.
25:18Did you know Ben Smokestope?
25:20I don't know.
25:21Who would have guessed?
25:22I know, I'm just surprised.
25:23Where does he get the money?
25:24I don't know.
25:25But that's what it'll be.
25:30It'll be the drugs, won't it?
25:31In the papers tomorrow.
25:32That's the story that they'll go with.
25:34It'll be spliff spleen.
25:36And I'll have to own up to it.
25:37I'll have to say it was me.
25:38I can't, I can't very well say it was my daughter's pasty-faced zombie boyfriend.
25:42I have to say it was mine.
25:44I can't, you know, I'll have to do the honourable thing.
25:46I, I...
25:47Actually, you could say they were yours.
25:53Why me?
25:55I'm not saying I take drugs.
25:57Not recreationally, maybe.
25:58Just say that you got MS or something.
26:02Oh, thanks.
26:04What about all this base your lie on a truth?
26:06What do I do?
26:07Start using a walking stick?
26:09Could be in remission.
26:12Just no walking sticks or anything.
26:14Just a lot of pain.
26:16Yeah, it's nice to know that you're not superstitious anymore.
26:20I mean, if you don't want to, then...
26:24No, I don't really want to.
26:27But listen, just ignore it.
26:29Rise above it.
26:30Yeah.
26:30Yeah, I will.
26:31I will.
26:32Why give them the satisfaction?
26:33Just...
26:34End of story.
26:36Rise above it.
26:38Bastards.
26:40Utter, utter bastards.
26:42He says nothing about drugs.
26:44This is worse.
26:45It won't have to be the cash loan script they found.
26:47You know, that Steve Colley is a psycho.
26:49It would kill me if he sees this.
26:50When it comes to comedy, we all know that Spleen recycles.
26:54So our reporters were amazed to find that he had thrown away one of his scripts.
26:59I've got to do a gig for these people tomorrow night.
27:00It's going to be a tough crowd.
27:02The prince of the whole lot?
27:03The prison food stuff?
27:04Yeah.
27:05The breaking leg bit?
27:07Yeah.
27:08The script written by Spleen himself...
27:10True.
27:11All right, so when it backfires, you don't want to claim it?
27:13He goes on to brag that he had an affair with managing director Steve Colleyer's wife.
27:19Whilst the former judo champ was in prison.
27:22It was clearly a joke.
27:24You know, they just put that deliberately to get me to trouble.
27:27Well, it looks like it's worked.
27:28An irate Mr. Colleyer, 38, said,
27:31I'm looking forward to discussing the matter with Mr. Spleen man to man.
27:35I'm not going to do the gig.
27:36I'm going to cancel.
27:37What are you going to tell them?
27:39I'll just tell them my mum's died.
27:41You can't say that.
27:42I shall understand.
27:50What?
27:52Read.
27:53Amongst the other scraps of paper was a torn-up invitation to the christening of TV chef Louise Preston's baby daughter, Trixabel, callously discarded.
28:00Go on.
28:01Along with a photograph of the tot who had an elephant's trunk crudely drawn on her face and a speech bubble declaring,
28:14I eat buns.
28:23Anyone want to claim that line?
28:25I'm going to get by, but I really can't take the pain.
28:50I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get by, but I'm going to get