- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:02CastingWords
00:01:06CastingWords
00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street, we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me, they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only manners these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:26God is long.
00:01:30Jesus.
00:01:30Jesus.
00:01:31We've never seen him in real life, though.
00:01:58No, he's picturing the papers.
00:02:01Oh, come on, Sandra, let's go.
00:02:03No, I don't want to.
00:02:04I want to wait.
00:02:05I want to be standing out here.
00:02:05It's stupid.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:08Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:10But that was yesterday.
00:02:11He might be here today.
00:02:12I want to be standing here.
00:02:14I want to be going shopping.
00:02:16Oh, wait, please, let's go.
00:02:22Oh, no.
00:02:23I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:25Feel a right twit now.
00:02:27I don't fancy yours.
00:02:30Which is mine?
00:02:31Any except the blonde.
00:02:34Oh, good.
00:02:36They were being stared at.
00:02:38Where?
00:02:39Don't fancy yours.
00:02:45Which is mine?
00:02:47Any except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:52Thanks.
00:02:54Neither do I.
00:02:56Fancy the one with the twitch.
00:02:57About as much as Mountsy-Tung's granddad, with all due respect.
00:03:04To his granddad.
00:03:06Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:08You.
00:03:09I thought we were giving sex up.
00:03:11There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:14Ignore them.
00:03:22Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:27Hi.
00:03:27Peace, ma'am.
00:03:34Were you, er, hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:37He's in Mallorca.
00:03:39Come on, then.
00:03:41May only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:44It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:52Come on.
00:03:54I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:56It's our lunch hour.
00:04:01It's ours.
00:04:02We were going for lunch.
00:04:05Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Mallorca?
00:04:11It's one place I've never been.
00:04:15Pardon?
00:04:17I'm, er, Geoffrey.
00:04:19I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:25Don't you worry.
00:04:25Don't you worry.
00:04:43Love and rainy weather may sound funny.
00:04:48But they go together fine.
00:04:49But they go together fine.
00:04:54Every single time.
00:04:58Love and rainy weather.
00:04:59Love and rainy weather.
00:05:01First you're up there on another plane and then you're nowhere.
00:05:08And the tears are raining down.
00:05:13It's a run around.
00:05:14It's a run around.
00:05:16It's a run around.
00:05:18Love and rainy weather.
00:05:20Love and rainy weather.
00:05:21Love and rainy weather.
00:05:22Love and rainy weather.
00:05:23Sure can get you down.
00:05:27Not going twisting tonight, then?
00:05:38That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:40What?
00:05:41Cutting a rug.
00:05:44Pardon?
00:05:45Grooving, Mildred.
00:05:46It's called grooving nowadays.
00:05:48Grooving and or freaking.
00:05:50Right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight.
00:05:52Right.
00:05:54Right on.
00:05:55You're staying in tonight, then?
00:05:57Tonight.
00:05:58Tomorrow night.
00:05:59Every night.
00:06:00They might sell me overcoat.
00:06:02Life's not all pleasure, you know.
00:06:05Really.
00:06:06Mildred, don't hassle the lad.
00:06:08Hustle.
00:06:09It's a different world today, Mildred.
00:06:12We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost.
00:06:17They do their old things.
00:06:19The usual 1,300 weight.
00:06:21Yes, please.
00:06:25Now that's the new world that we work for.
00:06:27And fought for.
00:06:28Full page advert for contraception.
00:06:31It's his birthright.
00:06:35I'm not hungry.
00:06:37What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:39It's the hip way.
00:06:40Cool people say I'm not hungry.
00:06:42It's the hip way.
00:06:44Cool people say I'm not hungry.
00:06:46I'm hungry.
00:06:47I'm hungry.
00:06:48I'm hungry.
00:06:49I'm hungry.
00:06:50I'm hungry.
00:06:51I'm hungry.
00:06:52I'm hungry.
00:06:53I'm hungry.
00:06:54I'm hungry.
00:06:55I'm hungry.
00:06:56I'm hungry.
00:06:57I'm hungry.
00:06:58I'm hungry.
00:06:59I'm hungry.
00:07:00I'm hungry.
00:07:01I'm hungry.
00:07:02I'm hungry.
00:07:03I'm hungry.
00:07:04I'm hungry.
00:07:05I'm hungry.
00:07:06I'm hungry.
00:07:07I'm hungry.
00:07:08I'm hungry.
00:07:09I'm hungry.
00:07:10I'm hungry.
00:07:11I'm hungry.
00:07:12I'm hungry.
00:07:13I do.
00:07:14Beryl, please take my word for it.
00:07:16Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures.
00:07:20Paul McCartney who?
00:07:21He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:07:24And please don't say Paul McCartney who.
00:07:27I sacrifice too much for your six-old levels.
00:07:30You were terrific in the pictures.
00:07:34I never touched you.
00:07:35Terrific self-control.
00:07:41What did you say your name was?
00:07:43Mind you, just a weekend I do with you, Paul.
00:08:05Not a dirty weekend.
00:08:08A disgusting one.
00:08:10Night-night, Percy Filth.
00:08:24Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:28It's not my fault.
00:08:30It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:32It's psychosomatic.
00:08:39I'm sorry.
00:08:41It's just that I don't like.
00:08:42It's my fault.
00:08:43It's my fault.
00:08:44It's my fault.
00:08:45It's my fault.
00:08:46It's my fault.
00:08:47It's my fault.
00:08:48It's my fault.
00:08:49It's my fault.
00:08:50I don't like you.
00:08:51I don't like to trust you.
00:08:52I don't like you, Paul.
00:08:56I don't like you.
00:08:57Oh, Sandra.
00:08:58Oh Sandra, you're as almost blonde in this light.
00:09:11What's wrong?
00:09:13Just being brave.
00:09:15What about?
00:09:17Ending it all before we hurt each other too much.
00:09:22It's our first date.
00:09:25I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:31Not yet. Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.
00:09:37Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:41Straight from Stanley Matthews to Brigitte Bardot you went overnight.
00:09:46That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.
00:09:49It's artistic, Mother. Like your Tutankhamen butter dish.
00:10:03What?
00:10:04Got it.
00:10:05Got what?
00:10:06You now ask if I never want to see you again. I say I do.
00:10:10You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,
00:10:14How about Sunday, half seven outside Central Library?
00:10:17No, I don't.
00:10:19Tomorrow, half seven outside Central Library.
00:10:22Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:26It does not.
00:10:29I thought it did.
00:10:31Not till you've unfastened the press stood.
00:10:35I can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning.
00:10:39You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.
00:10:41I don't intend to marry her, Mother.
00:10:43In case it interferes with my career.
00:10:45We're just good friends.
00:10:47Good night.
00:11:02Miss Bardot.
00:11:05Marry me.
00:11:06Marry me.
00:11:09You know what they say?
00:11:11Once you've had a Manchester lad, you never touch anything else.
00:11:16Marry me!
00:11:17Marry me!
00:11:19Marry me!
00:11:21Marry me!
00:11:23Marry me!
00:11:25Marry me!
00:11:26Marry me!
00:11:27Marry me!
00:11:28Marry me!
00:11:29About time and all.
00:11:30Hi.
00:11:31Hi.
00:11:32Hi.
00:11:33Peace, man.
00:11:34Marry me!
00:11:35Marry me!
00:11:36Did you have a good time last night?
00:11:37Marry me!
00:11:38Marry me!
00:11:39Did you?
00:11:40Satisfied.
00:11:41I stayed in for a change.
00:11:44Did you get much?
00:11:47Did you?
00:11:52Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence?
00:11:55Not that I have done.
00:11:57I stayed in for a change instead.
00:12:00I stayed in for a change.
00:12:18Ticket.
00:12:19I ain't got my ticket.
00:12:20We're late already.
00:12:23See you behind the goal then.
00:12:30You are late!
00:12:31You are late!
00:12:33You are late!
00:12:34You are late!
00:12:36You are late!
00:12:40Well, tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her.
00:12:43Snooty old bag.
00:12:49Trendy.
00:12:50Lindy. Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.
00:12:54Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.
00:12:57Still, who else would have him?
00:13:00Anyway, they're all the same in the dark, rumour has it.
00:13:11Different girl every night, you can tell the type.
00:13:15Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:13:18I bet we lose 3-1.
00:13:21Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:13:23At least I've got me proud.
00:13:25Oh, hello.
00:13:27Oh, hi.
00:13:29Hi.
00:13:30Didn't see you.
00:13:31No, Normie.
00:13:33Are you going that way?
00:13:35Yeah. Not especially, no.
00:13:38Are you going that?
00:13:40Well, um, no. I was sort of...
00:13:43Going to the football match?
00:13:45Are you?
00:13:46Shopping.
00:13:48I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.
00:13:51I am.
00:13:52Which?
00:13:53Which are you?
00:13:54Any.
00:13:55I am.
00:13:56See you then.
00:13:57Tonight?
00:13:58Pardon?
00:13:59Oh, I...
00:14:00All right then.
00:14:01Right.
00:14:02Super socks.
00:14:03Did you see that?
00:14:04They're all on drugs, a lot of them.
00:14:05They're all on drugs, a lot of them.
00:14:06They're all on drugs.
00:14:07They're all on drugs, a lot of them.
00:14:08They're all on drugs.
00:14:09They're all on drugs, a lot of them.
00:14:10They're all on drugs, a lot of them.
00:14:11They're all on drugs, a lot of them.
00:14:12They're all on drugs, a lot of them.
00:14:13They're all on drugs, a lot of them.
00:14:14Socks, a lot of them, a lot of them.
00:14:20What do you see?
00:14:23They're all on drugs, a lot of them.
00:14:26They're all on drugs, a lot of them.
00:14:45Did he score?
00:14:47Losing, 3-1.
00:14:56Excuse me.
00:15:17Excuse me, I...
00:15:22I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:25Ah.
00:15:29Hi.
00:15:31Hello, mate.
00:15:32Oh, um...
00:15:33Peace man.
00:15:34Surprise, surprise.
00:15:35Surprise.
00:15:36In anywhere controversial?
00:15:38Pictures.
00:15:39The boyfriend.
00:15:40She's slim.
00:15:41I'm just going to the, um...
00:15:42Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:46Are you and Beryl, um...
00:15:48You know.
00:15:51You know.
00:15:53Oh.
00:15:55Would you, uh...
00:15:56What do you sort of reckon?
00:15:57She's a...
00:15:58Fair sort of bird.
00:15:59Sort of.
00:16:00She's all right.
00:16:01I'm sorry.
00:16:02She's all right.
00:16:03She's all right.
00:16:04I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:05Geoffrey.
00:16:06She's a bird.
00:16:07You're having a coffee with us?
00:16:08No thanks, kid.
00:16:09Neville's ravenous.
00:16:10You've just eaten.
00:16:11Oh, of course.
00:16:12Yeah.
00:16:13Oh, of course.
00:16:14Yeah.
00:16:15Sorry.
00:16:16You see.
00:16:17What I thought was always trying to do.
00:16:18By implication.
00:16:19Probably by implication.
00:16:20Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgement.
00:16:21You see.
00:16:22Yes.
00:16:24Was he the errand boy?
00:16:25No, thanks, kid. Neville's ravenous.
00:16:28You've just eaten.
00:16:31Oh, of course, yeah. Sorry.
00:16:35You see, what I thought Ken was always trying to do...
00:16:39By implication.
00:16:41Probably by implication.
00:16:43It was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgment.
00:16:47You see?
00:16:48Yes.
00:16:51Was he the errand boy?
00:16:52Was he the errand boy?
00:16:54Ken Thingy.
00:16:55He directed it.
00:16:57Oh, yes.
00:16:59I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:17:02Probably.
00:17:07You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:11Well, probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:14It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:16And you talk to me the whole way, like a person.
00:17:22Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:25Sex.
00:17:26Marriage.
00:17:28Pardon?
00:17:29The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:32A couple of dates and pal, they want to get married.
00:17:35I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:37I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:41Get married?
00:17:42Hmm.
00:17:42Hmm.
00:17:43No.
00:17:48Actually, I find girls, and most girls, that is, a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:54Sex.
00:17:55Not marriage.
00:17:57No.
00:17:57Sex.
00:18:00Percy Phil.
00:18:03Sex.
00:18:04That's what I said.
00:18:06Oh.
00:18:07Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:10Not Percy Phil motivated?
00:18:11No.
00:18:12No.
00:18:12Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell.
00:18:30Yeah.
00:18:30No.
00:18:31This is it.
00:18:39I won't come in, with it being our first date.
00:18:54No.
00:18:56Oh.
00:18:57Anywhere me mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:19:00Is that a reason for me not coming in, though?
00:19:02Yes, Geoffrey.
00:19:04Oh.
00:19:13Nice house.
00:19:1725-year mortgage.
00:19:18Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:27Funny, isn't it?
00:19:29First date with someone.
00:19:31It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:35Either nothing.
00:19:36Or something.
00:19:40Or everything.
00:19:43Well, don't think about Percy Phil at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:46No, not.
00:19:49No, I'm not.
00:19:52Night, night.
00:19:52God bless.
00:20:05I won't give you my phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:20:08What is it?
00:20:09327-4421.
00:20:12The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than seven,
00:20:15then two fours, and half of four, which is two, and half of two, which is one.
00:20:19Um.
00:20:20But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.
00:20:22No.
00:20:22But you can if you do.
00:20:24Do you want me to?
00:20:25Not if you'd rather not.
00:20:27327-4421.
00:20:30Night.
00:20:30I've got to see.
00:20:50well hello mrs. Battersby. Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea. oh they all have a past life flashed
00:21:06before me then. can't be Mother's Day. you'd have forgotten. has there been any clips? mom I want
00:21:18the benefit of your experience. what do you think of Andy Warhol? you see Jeffrey has this theory that by
00:21:26implication... who's Jeffrey? of course Jeffrey knows about these things. these things. everything. who's
00:21:34Jeffrey? he's fantastically intelligent. see Jeffrey's idea... Beryl, who's Jeffrey? oh no one.
00:21:43no one's special. his name's Jeffrey. how did this Beryl Bird turn out last night then?
00:22:01not Beryl Bird. I told him. did she yell? did she yell? what? wow. she doesn't then. you don't listen do you? I said...
00:22:19how about sundry?
00:22:27chips. chums. sod.
00:22:35not seen him tonight then.
00:22:40who?
00:22:41I've rather better things to do thank you.
00:22:56said he was no one special.
00:22:59have they got a phone here?
00:23:01why?
00:23:04they haven't have they?
00:23:06did you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:08if i did do you think i'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:11look are you fed up here?
00:23:14are you?
00:23:15we'll split after this game.
00:23:16anything you say.
00:23:17we can go for a few of the king's head.
00:23:20great.
00:23:22and that ends our probe.
00:23:24well, monday tomorrow.
00:23:26hallelujah.
00:23:27pardon?
00:23:28i don't know what you're paying for that phone but whatever it is you're being done.
00:23:32good night.
00:23:33good night.
00:24:01morning.
00:24:02nomination.
00:24:10Chalpan for Pope.
00:24:11long may you reign.
00:24:12amen.
00:24:134 hours.
00:24:15what's going on?
00:24:16pound's up again!
00:24:18oh nothing.
00:24:19god!
00:24:20today's special...
00:24:21bloody travels, Jacks.
00:24:23here.
00:24:24suddenly everyone's going on a holiday?
00:24:25h so chose...
00:24:27enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:29yourself while you're young.
00:24:46Why do we always do that?
00:24:4893 times a day?
00:24:50We never see anything.
00:24:59We won't wait as the sun was rising.
00:25:12I heard a maiden singing in the valley low.
00:25:17My timing not disturbing your singing, I hope.
00:25:19See Jeffrey on Sunday.
00:25:22Oh, Jeffrey.
00:25:25Neville's the greatest.
00:25:30Is he dishy or is he dishy?
00:25:36I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.
00:25:40One date was enough.
00:25:42Why?
00:25:44He's cancer and I'm Libra.
00:25:46Is that bad?
00:25:47Hopeless.
00:25:49Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:25:55Five. Five. Which is... Which is...
00:26:05Three and two is five. Which is two less than seven.
00:26:09Which is...
00:26:13I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:17Bank clocks.
00:26:19Your lot?
00:26:20Football supporters.
00:26:22Hippies.
00:26:23Oh.
00:26:25My lot.
00:26:27At the third stroke it will be 7.22 and 40 seconds.
00:26:36It will be 7.22 and 50 seconds.
00:26:41That's it then.
00:26:43Fate.
00:26:44All over by 7.23 precisely.
00:26:48So what?
00:26:50Plenty more where she came from.
00:26:52PHONE RINGS
00:26:56Is that the speaking clock?
00:26:57Is that Geoffrey?
00:26:59Is that Beryl?
00:27:01Yes.
00:27:02Yes.
00:27:03Hi.
00:27:05Hi.
00:27:06It's terrifically exciting, isn't it? Getting to know a person.
00:27:23Fantastic.
00:27:24I want to know all about you.
00:27:25That's what it's all about.
00:27:26For example, with things in common already.
00:27:39Definitely.
00:27:40About what?
00:27:41We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:42Right.
00:27:43And we're both from Manchester.
00:27:44Have you ever been abroad?
00:27:45No.
00:27:46Have you ever been abroad?
00:27:47No.
00:27:48Have you?
00:27:49No.
00:27:50No.
00:27:51Unless you count Istanbul?
00:27:52No.
00:27:53Unless you count Istanbul.
00:27:54Istanbul?
00:27:55Was it beyond belief?
00:27:56I don't know.
00:27:57I was only three.
00:27:58Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:27:59Sometimes.
00:28:00I do.
00:28:01What now?
00:28:02No.
00:28:03No.
00:28:04Just something.
00:28:05Just something.
00:28:06No.
00:28:08No.
00:28:09Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:12Sometimes.
00:28:13I do.
00:28:14What now?
00:28:16Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:22Sometimes.
00:28:24I do.
00:28:26What now?
00:28:29No.
00:28:30Just, just sometimes.
00:28:35Yes, I do.
00:28:38Such a lot, isn't there?
00:28:41In getting to know others.
00:28:43Mm.
00:28:46He was lithe and easy-limbed, his stride quietly casual,
00:28:54his eyes clear and confident,
00:28:57and his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.
00:29:06You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin.
00:29:10Really? You know, lopsided.
00:29:13I don't think I have.
00:29:17It's in the eye of the beholder.
00:29:21See?
00:29:23Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot.
00:29:26He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:30It must be marvellous being a man.
00:29:32It's OK, I suppose.
00:29:35Men can do anything.
00:29:37Conquer Everest.
00:29:39Do heart transplants.
00:29:41Become leader of the opposition.
00:29:44Anything!
00:29:53Geoffrey, NO spells no.
00:29:55It's good for your circulation, Beryl.
00:29:58Read any women's magazine.
00:30:00It's good for theirs, too.
00:30:01Not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:30:05I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:30:07All Saturdays.
00:30:10Beryl.
00:30:11Oh, Beryl.
00:30:16Oh, Geoffrey, bobbles, bumble.
00:30:18Oh, Beryl.
00:30:19Oh, Geoffrey.
00:30:21Oh, Beryl!
00:30:22Are you all right?
00:30:23What exactly happened?
00:30:24Don't tell me.
00:30:26I just heard a sharp achak of dramatic irony.
00:30:28Pardon?
00:30:35Come back.
00:30:35They're better.
00:30:36It's better.
00:30:37I'm OK.
00:30:37I told you, it's going to pour.
00:30:43It's not.
00:30:48Ugh.
00:30:51It's only the angels crying.
00:30:55I know how they feel.
00:30:58Well, don't blame me.
00:30:59I haven't done anything.
00:31:00That's true.
00:31:03That's not true, Beryl.
00:31:04I have apologised.
00:31:05I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.
00:31:09Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.
00:31:12It must be a bad line.
00:31:13I can't hear you.
00:31:14You'd better apologise again.
00:31:17I apologise again.
00:31:20Gosh, this lousy line.
00:31:23I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday.
00:31:28Pardon?
00:31:29Pardon?
00:31:30Is that who I think it is?
00:31:34No, dear.
00:31:46Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:51Sardine sandwich.
00:31:53Is it all sardine?
00:31:54Yeah.
00:31:54She's got her own trawler.
00:32:03Isn't it awful?
00:32:05What?
00:32:06I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:32:08What's happening in the world?
00:32:09I blame the politicians.
00:32:11What for?
00:32:12For what's happening in the world.
00:32:14I'm talking to her.
00:32:21I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:23Tasty.
00:32:25Very in oil.
00:32:27Nice in oil.
00:32:28She's got a bad leg.
00:32:31The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:34Why, after this little baker down the road,
00:32:35he does something with the bleach.
00:32:40Yes.
00:32:40I can't do long conversations about sardines so much as your mind goes blank.
00:32:54Start thinking about life after death.
00:33:01Oh, that Neville, honestly.
00:33:03Number of hearts he must have broken.
00:33:06Every girl in Manchester, nearly.
00:33:07Geoffrey definitely has.
00:33:11Probably even more.
00:33:13Air hostesses.
00:33:16All sorts.
00:33:18Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.
00:33:20I haven't had one yet.
00:33:22White man speak with forked tongue.
00:33:25Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:33Wow, is that the time?
00:33:34At this moment in time.
00:33:36What have I done?
00:33:37Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:40Right in the slightest.
00:33:42You're lucky.
00:33:43Why, it's Geoffrey.
00:33:46Wow.
00:33:47You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:50Of course not.
00:33:50Why should I be?
00:33:52Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey.
00:33:53Forget it.
00:33:56That's all in the past.
00:33:59Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:00What?
00:34:01Who needs drama?
00:34:04Who needs drama?
00:34:06So I shouted back at her.
00:34:08No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:10In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:13He thumped you.
00:34:15He thumped you.
00:34:16Walloped you on?
00:34:18No.
00:34:19I said nearly.
00:34:23You'll never thump me, will you?
00:34:25Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:27She adores it.
00:34:28Of course not.
00:34:31No.
00:34:34Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:37It isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:38He used to talk to me.
00:34:40All right.
00:34:41Let's talk.
00:34:46Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:49Why?
00:34:49Is your mum going out?
00:34:50May as well pack in, really.
00:34:57Why?
00:34:59Why not?
00:35:02Good thinking.
00:35:10Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:12You too.
00:35:13It was real.
00:35:14It's psychedelic.
00:35:15You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:17We're scratched anyway.
00:35:20It's been aghast.
00:35:21Groovy.
00:35:23I won't wave from the window.
00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:28It's been aghast.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:40You're well-read, Beryl.
00:35:41There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:50Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:53You know you can't do it.
00:36:00You'll never thong me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:36:03Ow!
00:36:04Beryl, I've just had the most super idea.
00:36:07Are we going to put it up?
00:36:08No.
00:36:09We're going to pack it in.
00:36:10Don't say that.
00:36:11Please don't say that.
00:36:12That.
00:36:15Sandra.
00:36:16Sandra.
00:36:18You're Sandra.
00:36:19Mine.
00:36:23Two months.
00:36:24Two months, nine days.
00:36:28Is she positive?
00:36:30The test was.
00:36:31What are you going to do?
00:36:33She'll think of something.
00:36:34Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:39Congratulations.
00:36:40I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:48All right.
00:37:03Not yet.
00:37:03I don't know how you do it.
00:37:10Come on.
00:37:11I don't know how you do it.
00:37:16John for Pope.
00:37:42Long may reign.
00:37:46Aren't you, er...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:53And you're, er...
00:37:56That's right.
00:37:58Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting my parents.
00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:04That's pretty incredible.
00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:08Er...
00:38:10Oh hell no, that's tomorrow.
00:38:12If I'm in the mood.
00:38:16Where you are.
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:20All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:32Roland.
00:38:33Roland.
00:38:34Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:38It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:40And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:44Didn't she tell you?
00:38:46I don't work there anymore.
00:38:48I packed her in.
00:38:58Did she turn you off?
00:39:00Beryl?
00:39:01Her.
00:39:06I haven't really looked.
00:39:08You've seen one.
00:39:09You've seen one.
00:39:10You've seen them all.
00:39:13Not quite all.
00:39:14I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:24Must be my birthday.
00:39:26You've seen one.
00:39:28Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:31I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Filth.
00:39:39Yes, they are.
00:39:41Mmm.
00:39:42Oh, you were terrific on the bus.
00:39:45Was I?
00:39:46Mmm.
00:39:47Terrific self-control.
00:39:48Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:49Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:50Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:39:51I happen to be interested in having early nights and writing poetry in bed with my Moe felt-tip pen.
00:40:05It's through a night of ink.
00:40:06I used it for my laundry list.
00:40:08My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:12Mmm.
00:40:13Mmm.
00:40:14Mmm, please.
00:40:15Mmm.
00:40:16Don't.
00:40:17Please.
00:40:18You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:25Mmm.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:33It is me birthday.
00:40:36What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:39I don't believe that question.
00:40:41You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:44I was 11 years old.
00:40:46He used to let me choke on his tortoise.
00:40:49You used to be a lie.
00:40:51I would not surprise him.
00:40:52I want to have...
00:40:53He used to be a lie.
00:40:54What?
00:40:55Something like this.
00:40:56What did he do?
00:40:57It's a fancy piece.
00:40:58What is his tax?
00:40:59It's because he's a man.
00:41:00It's a habit.
00:41:01The keys, he's a father.
00:41:02He's an old person.
00:41:03He's a lawyer.
00:41:04I enjoy the money.
00:41:05I enjoy it.
00:41:06He's a lady.
00:41:07He's a wife.
00:41:08I enjoy the ride.
00:41:09I enjoy the money.
00:41:10I enjoy the money.
00:41:11I enjoy the money.
00:41:12What's your name again?
00:41:21What's yours?
00:41:22Rock.
00:41:23That's not your real name.
00:41:26No, Stephen.
00:41:29God, that turns me on.
00:41:37When I first met you in the street,
00:41:39I thought, just a quiet drink and a chat.
00:41:43Shows you the art of conversation ain't dead.
00:41:49Don't move a muscle, however gorgeous.
00:41:53Yes.
00:41:55Mm.
00:41:56Mm.
00:41:57there we go.
00:42:19Testing, testing.
00:42:21Oh, Geoffrey Miller returns to the day.
00:42:23I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself.
00:42:27I'm fed up.
00:42:45Who are you?
00:42:46Who are you?
00:42:49What are you fed up about?
00:42:51Teachers don't have to do homework.
00:42:54No.
00:42:54They just market.
00:42:57Anyone can market.
00:42:59They've got the answers.
00:43:05Do you know it's after two o'clock?
00:43:08What's he doing here then?
00:43:12Well, this is your Uncle Stephen.
00:43:16This is my revolting brother, Jeremy.
00:43:22How do you do?
00:43:23Don't my mum and dad know he's here.
00:43:25Jeremy, bed.
00:43:27I could always wake him up and tell him.
00:43:29Jeremy, little boys need sleep.
00:43:35Even big astronauts.
00:43:37Do you know where babies come from?
00:43:41Do you?
00:43:43Say no.
00:43:44No.
00:43:45I do.
00:43:45Say yes.
00:43:47Shall I tell you?
00:43:47He knows.
00:43:49The man has this male organ and some blood cells and erectile glands.
00:43:53There's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has as well.
00:43:58They go through his male organ into the female uterus that the lady has.
00:44:03Who told you that?
00:44:04Then they go to the fallopian tubes after that.
00:44:07One of them fertilizes with the female egg.
00:44:10The others don't bother.
00:44:11Anyway, that's what you have to do.
00:44:14Then you have a baby.
00:44:16Did they teach you that at school?
00:44:18They do woodwork in the next class.
00:44:21People can only make babies at certain times of the year.
00:44:24But animals, like dogs and cats and giraffes, I think, do it all the time.
00:44:31No, that's people.
00:44:35What is?
00:44:38Well, people do it all the time.
00:44:44Whenever they feel like it.
00:44:50In the next class, you can do metalwork if you don't like woodwork.
00:44:54Good night, Jeremy.
00:44:5825p?
00:45:0050.
00:45:0250.
00:45:12Good night, Uncle Stephen.
00:45:13Good night.
00:45:24Would you care for a government health warning?
00:45:34Hey, Veronica!
00:45:36Yes?
00:45:37Who the hell's Uncle Stephen at 10 past 2 in the morning?
00:45:39A friend of Jeremy's.
00:45:41He's going now.
00:45:44Good night, love.
00:45:45We would have done that, wouldn't we?
00:45:49And how?
00:45:54You can't win them all, can you?
00:45:56Anyway, do you good going without for a change.
00:45:59Still, there's always another day.
00:46:07Tomorrow?
00:46:08No.
00:46:10Tomorrow's another day.
00:46:11Shh.
00:46:12Not unless you happen to be in Plymouth.
00:46:15Where?
00:46:16I'm joining the Wrens for three years.
00:46:20What Wrens?
00:46:22The Royal Navy's Wrens.
00:46:26This time tomorrow, I'll be in barracks with about 50 other girls and 30,000 sailors.
00:46:31Hope I like it.
00:46:32Well, thanks for nearly everything.
00:46:40We definitely would have done, wouldn't we?
00:46:42Well, obviously.
00:46:44Well, we're as good as dead, in a way, really.
00:46:47Almost.
00:46:48Just keep telling yourself and we will have only better.
00:46:52Good night, love.
00:46:54Try our barrel.
00:47:02Morning, previous generation.
00:47:26What's for breakfast?
00:47:27You knew it was your mother's birthday.
00:47:33Now, what we'd like to know is where were you while we were fiddling on the flaming roof?
00:47:37I'm sorry, Mum.
00:47:39I'll take you out another night.
00:47:40Something cropped up.
00:47:41Like what?
00:47:43Dad, you understand.
00:47:47I don't, Geoffrey.
00:47:49Well, you always say you do.
00:47:51Geoffrey, you're at it every night.
00:47:54Yes, Dad.
00:47:55And we don't complain.
00:47:56No, Dad.
00:47:56Well, last night was different.
00:47:58I knew you'd understand.
00:48:00I knew you'd understand.
00:48:26I knew you'd understand.
00:48:30Charlton for Pope.
00:48:31Long me around.
00:48:32Amen.
00:48:33What's going on?
00:48:35Pounds down again.
00:48:36Up and down like a fair of knickers.
00:48:38You should know.
00:48:40Or me.
00:48:42Know what I mean?
00:48:44What a night.
00:48:46Wow.
00:48:48A lot.
00:48:48Including action replays in slow motion.
00:48:53Hey, lads.
00:48:57I picked up a bit of spare last night.
00:48:59Who didn't?
00:49:00No, it's true.
00:49:03Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:04It is.
00:49:06Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:12Bloody yes.
00:49:13Poor Geoffrey.
00:49:17Beryl, please.
00:49:18It's Neville's engagement party as well.
00:49:20You had to invite him.
00:49:22He'll see me.
00:49:24It's cruel.
00:49:25He'll see other girls.
00:49:27I shan't take him back, Sandra.
00:49:30I shan't.
00:49:31It's been two weeks.
00:49:33He may have got over you by now.
00:49:36Don't know much about men, do you, love?
00:49:38It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:50:05Finally splitting up.
00:50:07He only had one ambition in life.
00:50:10Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:50:16Good job she hasn't joined the Wrens.
00:50:18The entire Navy had gone strike.
00:50:21I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:24I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:27She might have changed, of course.
00:50:30If she has, I might let her have the old orgy now and again.
00:50:32He's got to accept we've finally split up.
00:50:36Otherwise, I definitely won't take him back.
00:50:42Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:50:45At least I've got me pride.
00:50:48I left with Beryl, baby.
00:50:50Oh, hi.
00:50:50Didn't see you.
00:50:51No, nor me.
00:50:54And how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on, then?
00:50:57United.
00:50:57We're winning every game now.
00:51:00Oh, good.
00:51:02And what's new with Geoffrey, then?
00:51:10I asked you what was new with you.
00:51:11I asked you.
00:51:16Did you?
00:51:17Did I say more?
00:51:20Pardon?
00:51:20And how's Beryl, baby, getting on, then?
00:51:24Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl, baby.
00:51:28It isn't like you.
00:51:29Say that again.
00:51:31Beryl, baby.
00:51:33What's your name, handsome?
00:51:36You'll laugh.
00:51:38Everybody laughs.
00:51:39It's the story of my life.
00:51:41You tell it like it is, Chuck.
00:51:43She used to put them on an axe.
00:51:53What do you care?
00:51:55I don't have a baby.
00:52:02Is she going to get into bed with him now?
00:52:07Probably.
00:52:10Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days.
00:52:13Well, it's very exhausting.
00:52:17It is.
00:52:19Working in a bank.
00:52:20Oh.
00:52:26I had this bad scene, this chick, and decided to split.
00:52:33So I cut off, man, like there's no tomorrow.
00:52:39This cat gets it together where he's at, man.
00:52:43Lots of beautiful bag, baby.
00:52:46So if you want a piece of the action, don't cool it.
00:52:53Dig?
00:52:53I'm sorry, I know, understand English.
00:53:07Gesundheit.
00:53:07I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one.
00:53:13She has.
00:53:15And which is her husband?
00:53:17Neither.
00:53:22It's warming up, isn't it?
00:53:24Great beat, isn't it?
00:53:34Great to dance to.
00:53:40Do you agree that life's an onion?
00:53:41I'm...
00:53:42If so, what's death?
00:53:48Erm...
00:53:49A banana.
00:53:52Yes, I expect it is when you think about it.
00:53:56Have you read Schopenhauer's concept of existence?
00:54:00Erm...
00:54:01No.
00:54:02But I've seen the film.
00:54:05You married?
00:54:08No.
00:54:09Grab yourself an adage.
00:54:11Marriage is a cabbage.
00:54:14Are you a poet?
00:54:16Never ask the questions.
00:54:18Ask the answers.
00:54:19You are a poet.
00:54:22To any manager, Marks and Spencers.
00:54:26Ciao.
00:54:26I really dirt you.
00:54:30Now, he's taking his clothes off.
00:54:34What's on ITV?
00:54:36This.
00:54:38What's on BBC?
00:54:43Cassinole.
00:54:44What's that like?
00:54:46This.
00:54:48Oh, come on now.
00:54:50You know that's not where it's at.
00:54:52Let's get this.
00:54:54What's the word?
00:54:55Let's get it.
00:54:56Clear.
00:54:57Let's get down to the real nitty-gritties-ville, okay?
00:55:09Women's lip is not about burning brass.
00:55:13Papers, yeah.
00:55:15What papers?
00:55:17A marriage certificate.
00:55:18A dog's license.
00:55:19Whatever you prefer to call it.
00:55:21Look, let's be basic about this, Enid.
00:55:23All girls want marriage.
00:55:24And a white wedding.
00:55:26Really basic.
00:55:27You want to be really basic.
00:55:29Utterly basic.
00:55:30Balls.
00:55:32Grass?
00:55:35Enid, when Sandra says every girl, she means most girls.
00:55:39Well, like herself.
00:55:41Not me, of course, because I incredibly value my independence.
00:55:44But most girls definitely want...
00:55:46Balls!
00:55:47If you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to...
00:55:51I'm not recourseing to anything.
00:55:53I'm merely telling you what girls want.
00:55:54What?
00:55:55Balls!
00:55:56Oh!
00:55:57Would you please stop saying that?
00:55:59You believe in free love, right?
00:56:02You're wrong!
00:56:02I believe in free everything.
00:56:04Freedom from all male chauvinists.
00:56:06Pig domination.
00:56:07Honestly, don't you understand?
00:56:09Excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:10If we're liberated in society for the future, I'm sure.
00:56:12Excuse me, excuse me, if you've got your hand on me.
00:56:15No!
00:56:16Oh!
00:56:17Oh, sorry.
00:56:19Well, I'm sorry.
00:56:20It's all right.
00:56:21Oh, gee.
00:56:21It's a pleasure.
00:56:23Grass?
00:56:24Geoffrey, if not to.
00:56:25Why not?
00:56:26I said don't.
00:56:27You're not to smoke it.
00:56:35Oh, wow.
00:56:38We're as liberated as you, Enid.
00:56:42We've equal importance as individuals.
00:56:45Neither of us is boss.
00:56:46It just doesn't arise.
00:56:48We'll make some coffee, kid.
00:56:50Yes.
00:56:50You see, what we believe is...
00:56:52Now!
00:56:55You see...
00:56:56Well, one.
00:56:58I can see there's only one way to get through.
00:57:05What are you doing?
00:57:06Lighting everybody's fire.
00:57:08Burn my bra.
00:57:16Right.
00:57:17That's it.
00:57:18Finished.
00:57:19The end.
00:57:20Full stop.
00:57:22We've finally split up.
00:57:24Neville, Sandra wants you.
00:57:26I should imagine.
00:57:29Sad, isn't it?
00:57:33Pathetic.
00:57:34Well, I can't follow plays these days.
00:57:41It's just showing real life, that's all.
00:57:43I once thought I'd found her.
00:57:51The perfect girl.
00:57:54Red hair.
00:57:55Not too skinny.
00:57:56Yeah.
00:57:57Very gentle and shy.
00:58:02Passionate when roused.
00:58:03Yeah.
00:58:06She packed me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick.
00:58:09You're very sweet, Roland.
00:58:12I've always thought you were.
00:58:17Did you know you very nearly have a lopsided grin?
00:58:21It's just I'm a bit tired.
00:58:22No, it's nice.
00:58:23I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:49Oh, sorry.
00:58:54Do you know...
00:58:55What, Beryl?
00:58:56She can ask me anything.
00:58:59Do you know where Jeffrey's got to?
00:59:04He's upstairs, I think.
00:59:11Is it true they're dry on their own?
00:59:16Usually.
00:59:19Oh, I hate to be any trouble, but I think I'm dying.
00:59:25You'll be all right, honest.
00:59:27She said I shouldn't smoke it.
00:59:29Who?
00:59:30She said...
00:59:34Jeffrey?
00:59:38Jeffrey?
00:59:45Sorry.
00:59:45Sorry.
00:59:49Oh.
00:59:50Oh.
00:59:52Jeffrey?
00:59:53Oh.
00:59:57Move up a bit, Jeffrey.
00:59:59Put your legs.
01:00:00Oh.
01:00:01That's better.
01:00:05It's because it's your first time, isn't it?
01:00:07oh call dr wiseberg quilms low road
01:00:17it wasn't marijuana you know
01:00:23what was it then grass grass is marijuana this grass wasn't
01:00:34it was the real thing from the front lawn
01:00:40is that you beryl
01:00:50had a nice time even though it's three o'clock in the morning
01:00:59not that i mind if you've had a nice time
01:01:03even though i've been in bed since 10
01:01:05having a good night's worry
01:01:06did you see jeffrey
01:01:09that's good
01:01:13do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard
01:01:35i didn't try at all gave me to rest
01:01:40i'm right off birds
01:01:45i am
01:01:47i am
01:01:48for good
01:01:50good morning your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel
01:02:04good morning your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel
01:02:17good night
01:02:28good night
01:02:29good night
01:02:39Let's go.
01:03:09Oh, Beryl.
01:03:15Geoffrey.
01:03:18Can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:23Oh, Beryl.
01:03:27Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:30Oh, God.
01:03:39Hello.
01:03:43Ta-ra.
01:03:45Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:47Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:51You're a bugger.
01:03:53I don't know who he takes after.
01:04:03Hello?
01:04:04It's me.
01:04:05Who?
01:04:06My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:08Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:10I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:12If you have a phone or call, please don't because I shan't be in,
01:04:15tonight or any other night.
01:04:17Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:20What's the name?
01:04:21What's the name?
01:04:22What's the name of the rockale, don't you get?
01:04:23What's the name of the rockale?
01:04:24What's the name of the rockale?
01:04:25Can I get?
01:04:26I'm not, everything's broken.
01:04:28Let's go.
01:04:30Can Ipad you?
01:04:31What's what I want?
01:04:33A small world.
01:04:52Good evening, Mrs Battersby.
01:04:54I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:57Oh?
01:04:59Probably this one.
01:05:01Definitely. Magic in satin.
01:05:03Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.
01:05:05Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:11You'd like some nice, fancy, random neighbour, wouldn't you?
01:05:17I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:20I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:23Beryl, listen.
01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jockstrap.
01:05:26Beryl, listen.
01:05:27Can I help you, madam?
01:05:27Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:30No, madam.
01:05:31I'll leave it then.
01:05:33Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:43Don't matter.
01:05:45What doesn't?
01:05:46You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:47Wouldn't what?
01:05:49Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:52Me?
01:05:53A football match with 40,000 skinheads and you.
01:05:58Told you.
01:06:00Who are they playing?
01:06:06Huddersfield Town.
01:06:08In the cot.
01:06:09I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:12The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:20Shows you.
01:06:23Away from home.
01:06:25They've won three, drawn five and lost 12.
01:06:29Drawn five.
01:06:34So what do you think?
01:06:35I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38I think I nearly love you.
01:06:41Never mind.
01:06:48It's only a game.
01:06:52Never mind, it's only a game.
01:07:06I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:13No!
01:07:15Yeah!
01:07:16I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to watch United.
01:07:21I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:24We live in a permissive society, Beryl. Read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love.
01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:34You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up, even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:39Yes, well, boys are very safe.
01:07:42And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:47I don't mean permissive permissive.
01:07:50Let's see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:55Pardon?
01:07:56Kissing, cuddling.
01:07:58Things of that nature.
01:07:59Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:04What you just said.
01:08:06Good.
01:08:07Not too much, I hope.
01:08:09Oh, God.
01:08:10Boys are very funny.
01:08:12They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:13Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:26Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:29Fantastic.
01:08:37The Cowgills.
01:08:40Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:42Married couple.
01:08:45Newlyweds.
01:08:46Not long married.
01:08:49You go bald doing that.
01:08:51Doing what?
01:08:52Do I tell you, 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains.
01:09:09Living in sin.
01:09:13Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:16If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano,
01:09:25would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:28I don't think so.
01:09:31A barrel would.
01:09:35Giving you a bad time, is she?
01:09:38Oh.
01:09:39I wouldn't say that.
01:09:43I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:46What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person without everyone thinking she's automatically...
01:09:53I never said you were.
01:09:54You think it.
01:10:09All right, Geoffrey.
01:10:11I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:15Marriage.
01:10:16Never.
01:10:19Well, until I am.
01:10:21If I ever do.
01:10:22Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:24For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:27No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:34You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:38Sorry?
01:10:38No one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:43Not yet.
01:10:43Not yet.
01:10:44What are you staring at?
01:10:51Hello?
01:10:52You all right, son?
01:10:53Terrific.
01:10:53Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat, then?
01:10:56Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:10:57Hmm.
01:10:58My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:10:59Oh.
01:11:00What's your theory?
01:11:01Indigestion.
01:11:02Oh.
01:11:03What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:04Oh.
01:11:05What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:06Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:07He has said one thing.
01:11:08Oh, what's that?
01:11:09If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks, all right?
01:11:14The weeks and months dragged by, and with neither side willing to compromise, we still have
01:11:20deadlocked.
01:11:21Her Majesty's government have consisted of all of us.
01:11:24You know, I'm sorry.
01:11:25I'm sorry.
01:11:26I'm sorry.
01:11:27I'm sorry.
01:11:28I'm sorry.
01:11:29I'm sorry.
01:11:30I'm sorry.
01:11:31I'm sorry.
01:11:32I'm sorry.
01:11:33But we still have deadlock.
01:11:34Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:40Another wild night learning what NO spells and how many of us school pals are getting
01:11:44married.
01:11:45And what NO spells.
01:11:46And what NO spells.
01:11:48Great!
01:11:49I might as well go bald and open me own monastery.
01:11:52And so society, that's you and me, says end this dispute.
01:11:58End it now.
01:12:00Good night.
01:12:01Hear, hear.
01:12:02Good, wasn't it?
01:12:04Terrific.
01:12:05Especially when he said good night.
01:12:08We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:10Having a good time.
01:12:12Just having fun.
01:12:14Being happy!
01:12:16Take two a day, after meals, and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again
01:12:21in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all.
01:12:26You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:29Absolutely positive.
01:12:30That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:35Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:38Look, Beryl.
01:12:39How's this for a peace plan?
01:12:40You join a marriage bureau and I'll get a job on the stage twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:45Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:46Right?
01:12:47Right.
01:12:48Good Jesus Christ, superstar.
01:12:49Amen.
01:12:50Oh, hell.
01:12:51Hands up again.
01:12:52See you tomorrow.
01:12:53Where do you think you're going?
01:12:54Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:12:55It's important.
01:12:56What is?
01:12:57What is?
01:12:58I keep asking you.
01:12:59What is?
01:13:00What is?
01:13:01What is?
01:13:02What is?
01:13:03What is?
01:13:04To be on our own.
01:13:05What?
01:13:06What?
01:13:07So as we can talk.
01:13:08What?
01:13:09What?
01:13:10What?
01:13:11Where do you think you're going?
01:13:17Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:19It's important.
01:13:22What is?
01:13:25I keep asking you what is.
01:13:29What is?
01:13:31To be on our own.
01:13:33What?
01:13:35So as we can talk.
01:13:37What?
01:13:41I've had an old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:47The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.
01:13:50Last night I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United
01:13:53and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:56Grace who?
01:13:57She was playing for United as well. Weird, isn't it?
01:14:01The main thing is, we do communicate.
01:14:14Oh, we do.
01:14:16I'm not happy.
01:14:17It's not.
01:14:18It's a good day.
01:14:19It's a good day.
01:14:20It's a good day.
01:14:21I'm not happy.
01:14:22It's a good day.
01:14:23I'm happy to be here.
01:14:24See, what face do they want you...
01:14:25See, what face do they want you...?
01:14:26See, what face do they want you...?
01:14:27Go on.
01:14:28No, you. Mine wasn't important.
01:14:29No, mine wasn't.
01:14:30Mine wasn't.
01:14:31Beryl, are you... happy?
01:14:48Of course.
01:14:51Very.
01:14:53I am.
01:14:55No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:15:01No.
01:15:03I'm not.
01:15:08Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:16Probably.
01:15:18I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:20Well, not in so many words.
01:15:23Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:31Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:42No. I don't think so.
01:15:44Honestly, no.
01:15:45Nothing.
01:15:46If there is, you just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:49If there isn't anything, honest.
01:15:51Good.
01:15:53It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:55It'd just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:16:03Like, you know, crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop to please you.
01:16:20I see.
01:16:25There's no need to be sensitive, Geoffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:33Your mother.
01:16:34Pardon?
01:16:35I like your mother.
01:16:36Please don't sulk, Geoffrey.
01:16:37Hand her lampshades.
01:16:38Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:42Well, you ought to know.
01:16:43You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:45Anything else at random?
01:16:46You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:48After all, I'm no Bridgette Bardot.
01:16:51According to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez, she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:54Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford
01:16:57can tell the difference between Bridgette Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:00Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:02I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:03You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:05I am.
01:17:06Start slimming.
01:17:07Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:09If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:11You always succeed in getting back to Percy Filth in the end, don't you?
01:17:14Always.
01:17:15No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:16You do.
01:17:17I always fail.
01:17:18Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?
01:17:20The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells.
01:17:26Especially for the 600th time.
01:17:28That they really dig.
01:17:29You never say dig.
01:17:31I did then.
01:17:32Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about.
01:17:37That's really lovable.
01:17:39I never knew you thought that.
01:17:41Neither did I.
01:17:43Do now, though.
01:17:45I used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:55I used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:00There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:07Thinking what I'm thinking?
01:18:26Think so.
01:18:27We just don't like each other.
01:18:29At all.
01:18:41Oh, goodbye, then.
01:18:53Good luck.
01:18:55Peace, ma'am.
01:19:00St Anne's Square.
01:19:01St Anne's Square, please.
01:19:11So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits.
01:19:19And what else do I need?
01:19:22Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:24Teething ring?
01:19:26Wedding ring?
01:19:27Of course.
01:19:28Oh, they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days.
01:19:32No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:35Oh, sorry.
01:19:37What about?
01:19:38Skip it.
01:19:39About time, too, with her sympathy.
01:19:43Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:45I've never been as happy in me life.
01:19:47But she doesn't know that.
01:19:49If I'm looking miserable, Sandra, it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:54Yeah.
01:19:58We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:59Of course we do.
01:20:01How to pop the pink without going in off.
01:20:03Ace.
01:20:11She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:13I won't tell you where.
01:20:17A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:20Wow.
01:20:20Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:26I know, spells no.
01:20:30Super day for it.
01:20:32Hmm, sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:35Well, Sandra, this is it.
01:20:39Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:42Yep.
01:20:43Coming to the crutch.
01:20:44Crunch.
01:20:46I dare say it'll hardly break my heart in the slightest, seeing him again.
01:20:51You mustn't think I'll be crying inside, because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:54And what's more, no one will know that I am, because I shan't.
01:20:59Truly.
01:21:02Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:08It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:16And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:19Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:21Fine.
01:21:22This is fine enough.
01:21:23Here.
01:21:23About there, lovely.
01:21:25You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:28Wow.
01:21:28Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:32Ow!
01:21:33Oh, sorry.
01:21:36That's right.
01:21:37Hold it.
01:21:38Lovely.
01:21:40Right, now, a nice family group of the parents, please.
01:21:43Right, parents.
01:21:44I remember the Friday lunchtime they first met.
01:21:48How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:52Never better.
01:21:54Never better.
01:21:54Ever.
01:21:55That's it.
01:21:55A little bit like that.
01:21:58It's all over now.
01:21:59Bar the salmon salad.
01:22:02It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:05it's tuna fish.
01:22:10It's tuna fish.
01:22:11Yes, sir.
01:22:12We'll see, President Nixon went to China, then.
01:22:15We were not, before we ever met.
01:22:17I know.
01:22:18Why, has something happened about it?
01:22:21No. Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?
01:22:25Mm.
01:22:27Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going to the moon.
01:22:32Nixon?
01:22:34Why is he going?
01:22:36No.
01:22:38The astronauts.
01:22:40Oh.
01:22:42It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:46We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?
01:22:50Good, isn't it? Shows we're friends.
01:22:53Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:55Everybody thinks we're broken-hearted.
01:22:58We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:03My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:07I'm right off it myself.
01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Aw.
01:23:14I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:16I hope not.
01:23:17It's marvellous.
01:23:18Good.
01:23:20I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:27Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:33And we've learned a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:35Fantastic.
01:23:36For example, say I finally did marry someone like you.
01:23:39Only someone I love.
01:23:40I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:46In bed a bit.
01:23:51And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol
01:23:55and marry her three days later.
01:23:57We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:02I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:04Oh, yeah.
01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:07Where's she going?
01:24:08Hospital.
01:24:13Well, we'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:18Well, we're going to meet each other sometime.
01:24:22Come on, me I got it.
01:24:24Come on!
01:24:26Come on!
01:24:29Come on, Doc.
01:24:33Come on, Doc!
01:24:34Take care!
01:24:35Take care!
01:24:37Take care!
01:24:40Take care!
01:24:42Oh, Susanne!
01:24:43Take care!
01:24:44Take care!
01:24:45Oh hello Mrs. Battersby. You won't remember me. Good afternoon Geoffrey.
01:25:05Is Beryl there please? She's gone to the football match.
01:25:12There is no football. It's cricket now. Well it's the same thing isn't it?
01:25:35Hi. When's the kick off? In about three months. Football season's over now Beryl.
01:25:49What on earth did you want to come for? I forgot. I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:58Where will you go now then? Don't know. I could always go inside and practice booing for next season.
01:26:10Where will you? Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:14Hey it's like the countryside isn't it when it's empty? Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:26:19May as well. If you like. Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:24Just as friends. Oh I meant just as friends. Yeah I did.
01:26:36Wish we had a ball.
01:26:39Could play shooting in.
01:26:43You could go in goal.
01:26:49Amazing how people change isn't it?
01:26:54Well we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:19We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:25Anyone really.
01:27:34There's millions to choose from.
01:27:37All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:41You'll find someone Geoffrey.
01:27:43You will Beryl.
01:27:44Just a matter of keeping your eyes open really.
01:27:49Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:50Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:51I'm out.
01:28:21And you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun
01:28:41When the crying's dark
01:28:47Love and rainy weather
01:28:51Are followed by the sun
01:28:58Love and rainy weather
01:29:00Love and rainy weather
01:29:05When the crying's dark
01:29:12Love and rainy weather
01:29:16Are followed by the sun
01:29:22Love and rainy weather
01:29:26Love and rainy weather
01:29:34Love and rainy weather
01:29:39Love and rainy weather
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