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Family-Guy-Season 1 Ep05-A-Hero-Sits-Next-Door.
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00:00Attention, please.
00:04Tomorrow is softball practice.
00:06We have a lot of work to do for Saturday's game.
00:08Let's not forget how badly we were humiliated last year by Potok and joke and novelty.
00:17Look at those morons and their stupid glasses.
00:21Oh, man, I hate those guys.
00:23More than I hate spinach, traffic jams, and the last few years of M.A.S.H.
00:26You know, when Alan Alda took over behind the camera and the show got all dramatic,
00:29and preachy, huh? Am I right? Who's with me, huh?
00:32This year we will defeat those pranksters with our secret weapon, Guillermo.
00:40Bravo!
00:41I hired Guillermo because I believe he will be an asset to our company on and off the field.
00:47You have impeccable credentials.
00:49I'm sure I can find a position for you somewhere.
00:52Back to work, people?
00:54Hey, uh, Mr. Weed, I got a great idea for a new line of TV action figures.
00:58Facts of Life Transformers, huh?
01:00Now, watch the transformation.
01:02Cute as a button.
01:03Fat as a cow.
01:05Radioactive scorpion, huh?
01:07Watch out, Mrs. Garrett. Here comes Blair.
01:10I'll consider it.
01:11He'll consider it.
01:12Hey, I got another one where Natalie is one of those spittin' lizards from Jurassic Park.
01:16Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. Go tuck yourself in.
01:25You got it.
01:26Well, you were close, Dad.
01:28Man, I still can't believe we missed the phrase, my hairy aunt.
01:31Huh. Come on, Brian, I gotta get to softball practice.
01:34Practice? I thought we were gonna go next door and welcome our new neighbors.
01:37Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want anything to do with neighbors.
01:40Last guy who lived next door borrowed my toaster, never saw it again.
01:44If that slut wants full custody of the kids, she's got it.
01:47Peter, they might be very nice people.
01:52Very nice people, yeah, that's what they always say.
01:54Then you open up the septic tank and bam! Skeleton City.
01:58Oh, pervert.
02:05Oh, oh, don't flatter yourself, honey. I don't have any sweat glands.
02:09Okay, my happy-go-lucky toy boys. Time for batting practice. Guillermo, you're up.
02:14Unfortunately, Johnson isn't here to pitch today. His wife is in labor.
02:18Oh, what, is the baby coming out of him? Jeez, I'll pitch.
02:21Huh. I don't know what's more questionable, your pitching arm or Bill Clinton's integrity.
02:25Eh, how hard can...
02:30Eh, how hard can it be to pitch?
02:38Uh, okay, take your base.
02:40Somebody call 911. Tell them he's allergic to penicillin and white Zinfandel.
02:44Idiot! If you don't find a ringer to replace Guillermo, you're fired!
02:49Oh, man, what am I gonna do if I get fired?
02:51I'll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model.
02:54I don't wanna be just like everybody else.
02:56But I don't wanna be different.
02:58I just wanna be.
03:01What was the name of the bad guy from Tron?
03:04Ah, this is gonna drive me nuts.
03:07Moving is never easy on a family.
03:09Well, we are gonna miss the go-go-go pace of Providence,
03:13but with number two on the way, Joe thought it was time to move,
03:16and I can't say no to Joe... ever.
03:20Oh, Quahog can be pretty exciting, too.
03:23Last week, someone lost an eye at Bingo.
03:26I-17.
03:28Oh, darn it.
03:29Oh, I haven't played Bingo in years.
03:34Silence!
03:35Ever since you two met, you've done nothing but wax idiotic.
03:38I must escape this infernal battle.
03:40Ah!
03:41What a little explorer.
03:43Yes, he's so full of wonder.
03:46Oh, to be the Lindbergh baby right about now.
03:49Joe, you have to meet our new neighbor, Lois Griffin.
03:53It's a pleasure, Lois.
03:54Who's the little guy?
03:55This is Stewie.
03:56Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson.
03:59You will bow to me.
04:04Hi, I'm Meg.
04:06I live next door.
04:07I know.
04:08I've admired you in the garden from afar.
04:10Will you go out with me?
04:11I'd love to.
04:14Ah, he's gay!
04:15You wish!
04:16Get out of here, you mouth breather!
04:18Oh, I'm as good as fired.
04:20Where the hell am I gonna find a guy as strong as Guillermo?
04:23One time I walked into the locker room, I swear he was bench pressing Mr. Weed.
04:27Oh, great, Lois is getting chummy with the new neighbors.
04:30Oh, I think she wants you to meet them.
04:32Oh, she's always trying to make me be social.
04:34Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem.
04:38What?
04:39Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy,
04:43and I can't tell a difference.
04:45You must be Peter.
04:46Joe Swanson.
04:47Yeah, yeah, nice to meet you, Phil.
04:48You know, you got a neighbor on the other side of your house, too.
04:50So, you know, don't think you always have to bug me.
04:53I'll keep that in mind.
04:55Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?
04:57Man, you neighbors are like viruses.
04:58Starts with a screwdriver, and then before you know it, you're using my supermarket,
05:02my dry cleaner, even my postman.
05:04Hey, can you believe that guy?
05:06Do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?
05:08What an ass!
05:10So, Peter, have you found a replacement for your team?
05:13No, and believe me, I've been looking.
05:15Yideo-san would be honored to play for your team, but he wishes to know what compensation
05:18you offer.
05:19Uh, me love you long time?
05:23Gosh, I'd like to help you, Peter, but I've got to go out in the hall and chew on the back
05:26of my ass for about five minutes.
05:28Oh, Peter, I invited Joe and Bonnie to your game on Saturday.
05:31Oh, Wes, I don't want those people there.
05:33See, this is why I asked you to submit everything to me in writing first.
05:37Bonnie told me Joe was a big baseball fan.
05:39He played in college.
05:41He did?
05:42Welcome to the neighborhood.
05:44Hiya, Joe.
05:45Peter!
05:46Oh, don't get up.
05:47This is a surprise.
05:48I kind of thought you didn't like me.
05:49Oh, what?
05:50Because of what I said this afternoon?
05:51Oh, no, no, no.
05:52See, I have that disease where stuff just pops out of your mouth.
05:55Go to hell!
05:56Go to hell!
05:57See what I mean?
05:58Oh, I'm so sorry.
05:59I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screwdriver.
06:04Are you kidding?
06:05You can borrow whatever you want.
06:07Great.
06:08Say, you don't happen to have any picture wire, do you?
06:10Picture wire?
06:11You son of a bitch.
06:13Son of a bitch!
06:14Son of a bitch!
06:15There it goes again.
06:16I don't want to impose.
06:18No problem.
06:19That's what neighbors do.
06:20You know what else they do?
06:21They play on their neighbor's company softball team like this Saturday.
06:24Eh?
06:25What do you say, neighbor?
06:26Sounds like fun.
06:27Hey, so much fun it should be illegal.
06:29Like copyright infringement.
06:30Ha-ha!
06:31See you at the game, Joel!
06:33Ha-ha!
06:34Hey, you want a piece of gum?
06:39Oh, thanks.
06:40Ha-ha!
06:41That was joke gum.
06:42What do you mean?
06:43Now you're addicted to heroin.
06:44Ha-ha!
06:45Ha-ha!
06:46Ha-ha!
06:47Ha-ha!
06:48I'm cold.
06:49Hey, Peter!
06:50Ha-ha!
06:51It's nice that your family is here, Peter.
06:53If your ringer doesn't arrive soon, you can spend every day with them.
06:56At home.
06:57Oh, uh, help me here, Mr. Weed.
06:59Oh, you should see this guy in action.
07:00He can hit.
07:01He can throw.
07:02Peter!
07:03What's he doing in the wheelchair?
07:04Holy crap, he's a crapple!
07:10Peter, our new secret weapon is this very attractive paraplegic.
07:15Heh, okay, Joel.
07:16You got me.
07:17Heh, rise and shine.
07:18Come on.
07:19Stand and deliver.
07:20Get the hell up!
07:21Ha-ha-ha!
07:22You're a hood, Peter.
07:23Play ball!
07:24Let's do it!
07:25I swear I didn't know.
07:26Look, maybe they won't hit a lot of balls to him.
07:28I got shortstop!
07:29Ha-ha-ha!
07:31The movers track grease all over my carpet.
07:33I tried everything to get the stain out.
07:35What about lemon juice?
07:36Oh, what about club soda?
07:37What about shutting the hell up?
07:39Isn't baseball great?
07:42They say baseball is the national pastime.
07:47I can't taste salt.
07:51Ah, crap.
07:52Don't hit it to Joe.
07:53Please don't hit it to Joe.
07:54Please don't hit it to Joe.
07:56Ah!
07:57Whoa!
07:58Whoa!
07:59Whoa!
08:00Whoa!
08:01Whoa!
08:02Whoa!
08:03All right, Joe!
08:04Way to earn that pocket space!
08:05Hooray!
08:06Woo-hoo!
08:07Did you see that, my Joe?
08:08Yeah!
08:09What the deuce?
08:10Half man, half machine.
08:12With that technology, I could escape these wretched harridans.
08:15Go, cyborg!
08:17It all rests on that man's broad, rippling shoulders.
08:27All right, Joe!
08:28Run!
08:29All right, Joe!
08:30Come on!
08:31Yeah!
08:32Run!
08:33Run!
08:34We win!
08:35Joe!
08:36All right!
08:37Yes!
08:38Let's hear it for Joe!
08:39Yeah!
08:40Let's hear it for Joe!
08:41Yeah!
08:42Let's hear it for the guy who found Joe!
08:45Yay!
08:46Okay.
08:47Huh.
08:48That's finger-sucking good, huh?
08:53It's an old policeman's recipe.
08:55Eat up, everyone.
08:56Tonight my wife won't be the only one enjoying a pig in a blanket.
08:59Joe, you're so funny.
09:00Oh, they love that one down at the precinct.
09:02Oh, this sucks, Brian.
09:03Joe's stealing my thunder.
09:04Hey, everybody!
09:05Time to limbo!
09:06Face it.
09:07He's the life of the party.
09:08Oh, yeah?
09:09I'll show you who's the life of the party.
09:10Hey, look!
09:11Hey!
09:12I fell in the pool with my clothes on!
09:13How hilarious is that?
09:14That is so Peter Griffin.
09:15Huh?
09:16Guys?
09:17Huh?
09:18Guys?
09:19Huh?
09:20Guys?
09:21That's my idea.
09:22Peter, come here.
09:23Oh, finally, a little recognition.
09:24Joe has the most wonderful idea.
09:25Hey, I just suggested a line of handicapable toys, you know, to show kids the fun side of
09:39being physically challenged.
09:40Oh, yeah.
09:41Oh, that's what kids want to play with.
09:43Yeah, beanie baby in a bubble.
09:44What about my idea?
09:45Come on.
09:462D morphs into a stink bug.
09:47Joe, you are exactly the kind of man we need at our company.
09:51Peter, make yourself useful.
09:52Go get Joe a drink.
09:53Jeez, first he takes my friends, then he takes my job.
09:56But the way I wear my hat?
09:58No, no.
09:59He can't take that away from me.
10:01You!
10:02How came you by this metal construct?
10:04I demand to know who made you!
10:06Stewie, it's not polite to point.
10:08I'm so sorry.
10:10That's okay, Lois.
10:11He's just curious about the chair.
10:13About ten years ago, I was investigating a robbery at an orphanage.
10:17It was Christmas Eve, and some presents had been stolen.
10:20Reach for the sky, dirtbag!
10:31All right, pal, you've stolen your last Christmas.
10:35Let's go!
10:36Let's go!
10:37Let's go!
10:38Let's go!
10:39Let's go!
10:40Let's go!
10:41Let's go!
10:42Let's go!
10:43Let's go!
10:44Let's go!
10:45Let's go!
10:46Wait.
10:47Let's go!
10:48Let's go!
10:49Let's go!
10:50You think you have won, you think all is well, but kiss my green ass, I shall see you in hell.
11:20Are you Timmy? Merry Christmas, Timmy.
11:27No, enough! If you won't share your technological schemata with me peaceably, I shall take the information from you by force.
11:34Wow, looks like you have a fan.
11:37Come on, let's get out of here.
11:38Peter, you can't leave.
11:39Sorry, I promised the wife and kids I'd take them on a dream vacation to Hawaii right now. Say hello, our kids.
11:46What are you talking about? We want to hear more of Mr. Swanson's stories.
11:50He's cool, Dad. He killed a guy.
11:52Well, technically he was killed by the state, but funny story, he did curse my name just before the injection.
12:02Peter, what's the matter with you?
12:04Why are you guys making such a big deal over Joe?
12:06I mean, you're not supposed to admire wheelchair people, you're supposed to feel sorry for him.
12:10He's one that'll become okay to be handicapped.
12:13Don't talk like that. He's a remarkable man and the rest of your family adores him.
12:17Well, fine, and why don't you all marry him?
12:19And if he's so remarkable, let's see him do this.
12:22Hey, look at me. I'm walking.
12:25Ooh, I'm a remarkable man.
12:26Well, look who finally came home.
12:33Geez, I thought you were going to spend all night over at Joe's.
12:36Oh, I could have. That man has got magic fingers.
12:39He found this one spot behind my ear.
12:41I forget about it. I thought my leg was never going to stop.
12:44I don't believe this. My whole family worships the ground that guy can't walk on.
12:48Well, it's not too hard to see why. I mean, the guy's a hero.
12:50He makes the world a better place.
12:51Hey, hey, hey. I've done lots of things to help people.
12:54Remember that time I sang to the kids down at the Sunday school?
12:56Yes, and you forgot the words.
12:58Jesus loves me. He loves me a bunch.
13:01Because he always puts Skippy in my lunch.
13:06No, no, no. It's not the same thing.
13:08Joe puts himself in real danger every day.
13:10You're right. I'll never be that kind of hero.
13:13Unless I put myself in real danger, too.
13:16For my family's sake.
13:18Why are the pretty ones always so dumb?
13:32We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main.
13:35Three wounded, one dead.
13:36Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?
13:38No, no. It's my new police scanner.
13:40This hero thing is going to be easy once I find the right track.
13:43We have a domestic disturbance.
13:44Boring.
13:45Report of the stabbing action.
13:46Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
13:48All units, all units.
13:48A major bank robbery is in progress at Quahog Bank and Trust.
13:51Suspects are armed and extremely dangerous.
13:53Perfect. Where's Lois and the kids?
13:55Uh, over at Joe's.
13:56Why, go fetch them.
13:57They're about to see a real hero in action.
14:00To the Batcave!
14:07Uh-oh.
14:09Ah! Ah! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done!
14:12Ah!
14:15If you guys thought Joe was something, you ain't seen nothing yet.
14:18Peter, what's the big rush?
14:21All right, you guys wait right here.
14:22Daddy's gonna make a little withdrawal.
14:26Let's give Tammy a round of applause.
14:28Because this was her first robbery, and she was very brave.
14:33Now, before we go...
14:34No, don't go.
14:36Oh, princess, we have to.
14:37I hope you brought your striped pajamas, boys, because there's a five-year sleepover at the big house, and you're invited.
14:43You'll never take us alive!
14:47Lois and the kids should be in here to see this.
14:49Yes, it's going very well.
14:51Mom, what do you do when you like a boy, but he doesn't even notice you?
14:54Meg loves Kevin!
14:56Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit!
14:58Meg, you're a sweet, lovely girl.
15:00He'll come around.
15:01Such a mom answer.
15:03Well, have you tried showing off the goods?
15:05How's that for a mom answer?
15:08Creepy.
15:09Oh, I saw some cute dresses down the street.
15:11If nothing else, it'll make you feel better.
15:13Come on, you guys.
15:14Well, if you want to be a hero, right now might be a good time.
15:17Jeez, Brian, this isn't what I was expecting.
15:19I thought being a hero would be all fun and games.
15:24Sorry, Wonder Woman, I got three kings.
15:26Now let's see your pair.
15:30All right.
15:32Hey, Robin, what are you looking at me for?
15:33Look at her.
15:35Come on, let's get out of here.
15:37Oh, perfect.
15:38We've got hostages in here, so don't try anything funny.
15:41Don't worry, Brian, I got a plan.
15:42Oh, good.
15:43I was afraid you were just going to improvise.
15:45Oh, well, actually, I was going to use the little girl as a human shield to run like hell,
15:49but improvise.
15:50That'll be easier on my back.
15:53Okay, in this improv, Tammy and the short robber, a husband and wife.
15:58Okay, and where are we?
15:59A bar.
16:00A pet store.
16:00Guadalajara, Mexico.
16:02Okay, okay, I heard pet store.
16:04And I'm the gruff but lovable owner.
16:06All right, begin.
16:07Hello, married couple.
16:08I see you found a puppy.
16:10Uh, yeah, his name is Sparky.
16:12Well, before you take Sparky home, let me check him for worms.
16:16Okay, drop it.
16:17All right, you guys, let's get out of here.
16:27All right, stand back.
16:28Whoa, whoa, hang on, hang on.
16:29Sorry, no one can leave.
16:30Listen, the whole reason I saved you guys today was so I could be a hero.
16:35See, this wheelchair guy moved in next door, and he can do all these great things, and, and, well...
16:40Your family idolizes the lousy cripple and not you?
16:43That's right.
16:44How'd you know?
16:45We've all been there.
16:47Cool!
16:48The bank is getting jacked!
16:50Officer, my husband's in there.
16:51Can you tell me if he's okay?
16:53Uh, what's he look like?
16:54Uh, he's wearing a white-collared shirt.
16:57It kind of big, with glasses.
16:59I got him.
16:59Oh, thank God.
17:00Take him out.
17:01Now!
17:02Hey, there's my family.
17:04I just want you to know I robbed banks because a deaf man stole my job at the phone company.
17:08So if anyone's gonna bust me, I'm glad it's you.
17:13But, but, but I was gonna be a hero.
17:15Nobody's going anywhere.
17:19Joe, it's Peter.
17:20He's in trouble.
17:21A failed robbery at Quahog Bank and Trust has led to a terrifying hostage situation.
17:26That's right.
17:30A hostage situation.
17:31I gotta go.
17:32I know.
17:34All right, if we want the cops to take us seriously, we're gonna have to waste a hostage.
17:38But who?
17:39Uh, excuse me, shouldn't that be whom?
17:41Okay, you.
17:41Crap!
17:42This is Police Lieutenant Joe Swanson.
17:44I know we can work this out together.
17:46Ah, geez, not him again.
17:47Hope this place isn't wheelchair accessible.
17:50Bonnie, it's Peter.
17:51Don't worry.
17:52Joe's an excellent negotiator.
17:54I was a virgin when we met.
17:56Took him three hours.
17:59I can't believe my dad is in there.
18:02This will probably scar me for the rest of my life.
18:06I got a new dress.
18:08Try talking about him.
18:11So, uh, do you like music?
18:13Oh, yeah.
18:14I played guitar in a band before we moved, but, uh, it interfered with my studies.
18:17Uh, what do you listen to?
18:18Uh, you first.
18:19I'm in a garbage, fish, blur.
18:22My parents don't like me listening to that stuff, but I do anyway.
18:25Because I am not a robot!
18:28I also like Radiohead.
18:30And even though society has turned its back on you,
18:33I promise you there are people who care.
18:36And you know what?
18:37I'm one of them.
18:38He sure gets it.
18:39Maybe he's right.
18:40We can make a new start.
18:42Oh, come on, guys.
18:43Don't let him sweet-talk you like that.
18:45Wait, wait, wait.
18:45You can't leave now.
18:46I'm supposed to be the hero here.
18:48Wait, wait.
18:48Can you at least let me pistol-whip you a couple of times for the camera?
18:52Dang, you stupid robbers with your guns and your...
18:55You make-out parties.
19:04Aha!
19:05Excellent.
19:06They detached the human component from the machine.
19:09Machine, I am your new master, and I order you to go.
19:13Engage!
19:14Blast!
19:15Must be some kind of proprietary command system.
19:18Now, on the Russian MiG, it's next to the altimeter.
19:20There you are.
19:21I can't turn my back on you for a second.
19:24Oh!
19:24One day I shall unlock the secret of that device.
19:27And when I do, Mother, victory shall...
19:29Peter, you had us so worried.
19:35What on earth were you trying to prove?
19:37I'm sorry.
19:38Joe is a great guy.
19:40I guess I was just tired of him being your hero.
19:42Peter, Joe's a hero, but he's not our hero.
19:46You are.
19:47Really?
19:47Yeah.
19:48I mean, you're always right there on the couch for us,
19:51making us laugh when we're upset,
19:53or changing the channel when something boring comes on,
19:56eating the last slice of pizza so the rest of us don't fight over it.
20:00Yeah, Daddy.
20:01And if you hadn't pulled this stunt,
20:02I never would have learned how to manipulate Kevin.
20:04And when the kids in school see us on TV,
20:07they'll think you're a total psycho.
20:08And I can say that psycho is my dad.
20:12And I would never have won the silver Nagano
20:14if you hadn't driven me to the ice rick every morning at 6 a.m.
20:17Huh.
20:18I guess being a hero isn't always about saving lives or catching bad guys.
20:22It's also about just being there for the people you love.
20:25Help!
20:25Someone just stole my purse!
20:27Who cares?
20:28I don't even know you.
20:28Who cares?
20:30Who cares?
20:51Who cares?
20:51Who cares?
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