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Comedy Fan
  • 2 days ago
Richie and Eddie are stranded on the big wheel at the fairground. It gets worse - the wheel is due to be demolished the next day!

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00¶¶
00:30¶¶
00:44Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
00:47Right, now, this is definitely the last ride of the evening, Eddie.
00:51We've had more than enough fun for one night,
00:53working our way through all the stalls and attractions.
00:56Besides which, I think I'm about up to my three quid limit.
00:59How much did this ride cost, by the way?
01:02Three quid.
01:04There you are, you see. I was right.
01:06I'd just like another go on that throwing the darts at the cards thingy.
01:10Yes. Yes, well, that stall's closed now, isn't it?
01:13Because the proprietor's in the eye hospital.
01:15Oh, yes.
01:17And the waltz has closed as well, hasn't it?
01:20Yes.
01:21I had no idea I'd eaten so much.
01:24It went everywhere, didn't it?
01:27You looked like a sprinkler as you went round.
01:31It was really, actually, very attractive.
01:34Yes.
01:35I was awfully lucky to have that pensioner to stand behind.
01:37Yes.
01:38And she was furious.
01:40You whizzed round three times and she looked like the creature from the swamp.
01:44I'm not sure all that was mine, you know.
01:47I don't remember eating all those horrible lumps of gristle.
01:51No, no, no, no. That was her face, Eddie.
01:54Well, at least I feel better now. That's the main thing.
01:57Yes, that's the main thing.
01:58Which is surprising, really, considering the ghost train unpleasantness.
02:04Oh, yeah, that was nasty, wasn't it?
02:06Yeah.
02:07Wasn't coming out of your mouth that time, was it?
02:09Well, they shouldn't make him so scary, should they?
02:13Well, it's a lot more scary now, I can tell you.
02:15You have to put on a gas mask to get in there now.
02:18I was lucky the bloke sitting next to me passed out.
02:21Otherwise, I'd never have got his trousers.
02:23How do they fit, by the way?
02:25Not bad, not bad.
02:30You know, I'm not sure he was a bona fide bloke, you know.
02:35Got a sort of skirty feel to them, these trousers, haven't they?
02:38I think he may have been Scottish.
02:41Oh, oh, oh, well, that's all right, then.
02:44Yes, ock-eye, whoops-a-daisy.
02:46Yes, the Scottish are allowed to be transvestites.
02:48That's right.
02:50Oh, hey-ho, we're moving.
02:51Hold on tight, for God's sake, don't foul yourself again.
02:54Here we go, start screaming.
02:56Aaaaaaah!
02:57Aaaaaah!
02:58Aaaaaah!
02:59Aaaaaah!
03:00Aaaaaah!
03:01Well, is that it?
03:02Well, that's ridiculous, it's just a complete rip-off.
03:05I paid three quid for that ride.
03:07It's bad enough two juveniles like us, I mean, to pay full price.
03:10Oh, calm down, Richie. They're just letting some more people on.
03:13What? Nothing?
03:14Oh, oh, oh, yes, yes, yes, I...
03:16Good, I knew that.
03:19Oh, hey, Eddie.
03:20Yeah?
03:21Maybe it's those birds that have been following us around all night.
03:23not. What, Mads? No, no, no, no, no, don't look. It'll show them that we fancy them and
03:30that we're keen. Yeah, but we are. Yes, I know that, but we don't want them to know.
03:37Why not? Because then they'll know that we fancy them, then we'll get off with them,
03:43then we'll go back to their places and do it on them. Yeah? Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, I can
03:52see your point. Well, it's this new skirt, it rucks up very easily. Come on, Eddie, this
04:01is it. Let's wave at them and wink and stuff and let them know we're on. Oh, Eddie, how
04:06do I look? You use your eyeballs, don't you? Eyeballs, eyeballs. Okay, right, all set, sexy
04:13faces on. Let's ogle them. Hey, hang on, Richie. Richie, how do you know which one's whose?
04:23Oh, well, mine's a cracker. What's mine like? Not bad, not bad. Not as many legs as the other
04:32one. It's a shame about the beard. Apart from that, smashing. Are you sure she's not a bloke?
04:40What do you mean a bloke? I know a bird when I see one. Was she smoking a pipe? Yeah. And
04:48is she called Keith? Yeah. You fool, that's Keith and Deidre. Yeah. Keith's your bird and Deidre's
04:57mine. Mine's the one with the little blue miniskirt and the tattoos of Little and Large
05:01on her thighs. Now, it's Keith and Deidre from the Lamb and Flag Mixed Doubles Nudie Tag
05:07Mud Wrestling Team. Oh, yeah? Well, why was she giving me the eye all night? Eh? Not the
05:14glass one, the other one. And how come the bird with the beard kept pointing at you? Because
05:19of course, he's Keith. One-legged mad dog, Keith McFrenzy. And I owe him 50 quid. He's
05:25been chasing me for 17 years. Why do you think I always get mumps during mud wrestling week?
05:32Look, they don't call me the Hammersmith Crumpet Radar for nothing. I tell you, one look at
05:39me and she was screaming for my underwear. She is blind! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Well,
05:51she obviously just sensed my musky sort of smell. Yes. We've all been sensing your sort
06:01of musky smell for nigh on 40 years. When will you buy another shirt?
06:07This is an original van der Hoesen. Yeah, it's the original van der Hoesen. Haven't had
06:14a wash since 1963. Well, if you have the common decency to go out and get yourself a proper
06:21job and not hang around the flat all day like some vast slug, then perhaps I would have the
06:27opportunity to take my top off and wash it without the risk of you seeing my nipples.
06:32Oh, isn't this ruddy ride working? We've been on it for at least ruddy three minutes.
06:47Well, look, it is the tallest Ferris wheel in Western Europe, Richard. It takes a while
06:51to get everyone on board. Hey, the lights have gone out there. That's weird, isn't it? Hey,
07:00maybe it's a love Ferris wheel. Hey, they're not letting anyone else on Eddie. In fact, Eddie,
07:10we're the only ones on the whole ride. In fact, it looks like they're closing up for the night.
07:17I was enjoying that. Reminded me of my dad's funeral. I say! I say! Oh, thank God they've seen us.
07:32They're waving. They're not using all their fingers. Yes, yes. Hello! I say, what time does the ride start?
07:45Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can't understand a word he's saying. Uh-huh. Hmm?
07:56I don't think he's actually saying anything. I think he's just sort of swearing indiscriminately
08:01and running off towards the gate. What? That's outrageous! I say! Uh, uh, bloody...
08:08What is it you shout in the slums? Uh...
08:11Uggy! Uggy! Uggy! Uggy! Oh, yes, you've got his attention now. Now, look here.
08:16I used to live in Bromley. Hey, he's picking something up. Yep, and that's a pretty wild place, you know.
08:21Yep, they've all got something now. And I picked up one or two tips on punch-ups while I was down there.
08:25Doc! Where?
08:30Hey! Good shot, mister! Give yourself a goldfish!
08:34Look out! Here comes some more! What?
08:42I don't understand! What did we do? What did we do?
08:46Well, it's your fault for touching up the burly ferris wheel attendant.
08:51I thought she was a girl.
08:54They were pectorals, you fool!
08:57She had an earring.
08:58Yeah, through her foreskin.
09:02Yes, which I found out later, much to my distress.
09:06Anyway, I don't care what you say, she still had one hell of a cleavage.
09:10It was like strolling through the Alps.
09:16I think it's all over now. They're all sort of going away.
09:20In fact, everyone's going away.
09:24I think the whole fair is closing down.
09:27Like complete bastards!
09:29They can't treat me like this.
09:31My mother used to make sandwiches for the Hammersmith Conservative Association.
09:35Yeah, but no-one ever used to eat them, did they?
09:37They did, they did.
09:38What about that bloke who got the convulsions and the permanent brain damage?
09:42Well, he's President of the Board of Trade now, isn't he?
09:45Absolutely! They can't treat us like this!
09:48Now, look who are you roust about!
09:50I've got a photographic memory!
09:53And I'm going to memorise all of you!
10:00Well, I certainly remember that!
10:02Right, Eddie, write down the details for the police enquiry.
10:06They're not going to get away with this.
10:08Er, Edward Elizabeth Hitler and myself were sitting down, peacefully, in a northerly direction, at precisely...
10:17Knackers, what's the time, Eddie?
10:20Erm, it's erm...
10:22Hang on. That's my watch.
10:24Er...
10:26Yes, I just thought I'd bring it along for you.
10:29My special gold watch?
10:31The family heirloom?
10:33The one that Grandpa Willis found on that body in the Somme?
10:36Yes, I just thought you might need to, you know, know the time.
10:40Thanks, Eddie!
10:41Ah, right!
10:42And precisely 3.30...
10:44That can't be right, can it?
10:47It's awfully light, Eddie.
10:48Yeah, well, I took the innards out.
10:50Erm, because it was ever so heavy, wasn't it?
10:53It was making a little dint in your waistcoat pocket, wasn't it?
10:56I got rid of them at that antique, clocky sort of place.
10:59Have you seen my new motorbike?
11:01Now, hang on, Eddie, you set up about motorbikes.
11:03I think you might have bished here.
11:05Huh?
11:06I mean, if it doesn't got any innards, how are we going to know what the time is?
11:08Well, it's obviously midnight, isn't it?
11:11Well, how'd you work that out?
11:13Because the fair closes at midnight and the fair's closed.
11:16Right!
11:17The fair's closed!
11:19The fair's closed!
11:20The fair's closed!
11:21Eddie! Eddie!
11:23The fair's closed!
11:24And we're stuck 350 feet up in the air on a Ferris wheel!
11:27Yes, it's a living nightmare!
11:32Don't panic!
11:33Don't panic!
11:35Don't panic, Mr Manwearing!
11:36Right!
11:39Come on, Richie!
11:40Eddie!
11:41Take all your clothes off and knock them together!
11:44Knock what together?
11:46I've got it!
11:47Right!
11:48This is where the old commando training comes in handy!
11:51I wish I'd had some!
11:53Right!
11:54I'm going to go off and get help!
11:56Will you be all right on your own?
11:57Yes!
11:58There's a full-page advert for odd bins here!
12:00It's got the pictures and everything!
12:01I should be all right for an hour or two!
12:04Off I go!
12:10Eddie!
12:11Well, that was quick!
12:13What did the rescue people say?
12:15No, no, no!
12:16I haven't quite done that bit yet!
12:17Oh!
12:18Eddie!
12:19Hmm?
12:20If I fall and plunge 350 feet and splatter on the ground, will you... you know...
12:27What?
12:28Laugh?
12:30No, no, no, no!
12:31Point and laugh?
12:32No!
12:34Eddie!
12:35Will you scatter my ashes over Queens Park Rangers football ground?
12:39No!
12:40Thanks!
12:41Right!
12:45See you later!
12:46Look at that!
12:47Gordon's gin, one litre!
12:51Hello, baby!
13:00Right!
13:05You're turn!
13:06What do you mean, my turn?
13:07Well, it needs someone less sensitive than me!
13:08Well, bollocks, mate!
13:09I'm not going up there!
13:10Oh!
13:11Oh!
13:12Look, Eddie, your pint's empty!
13:13I'd better just nip to the bar before they close!
13:16Erm...
13:18Can I get you anything?
13:19Oh, that's kind!
13:20I'll just have a baby sham!
13:21Right!
13:22Got any money?
13:23What?
13:24Fagin'!
13:25Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
13:26Oh!
13:27Let's see!
13:28Right!
13:29Back in a jiffy!
13:30Back in a jiffy!
13:32To me!
13:33Oh!
13:34Oh!
13:35Oh!
13:36Oh!
13:37Oh!
13:38Oh!
13:39Oh!
13:40Oh!
13:41Oh!
13:42Oh!
13:43Oh!
13:44Oh!
13:45Oh!
13:46Oh!
13:47Oh!
13:48Oh!
13:49Oh!
13:50Oh!
13:51Oh!
13:52Oh!
13:53Oh!
13:54Oh!
13:55Oh!
13:58Oh!
13:59Oh!
14:00Oh!
14:01Oh!
14:02Oh!
14:03Oh!
14:04Oh!
14:05Oh!
14:06Oh!
14:07I wonder if they do a delivery service?
14:10Oh, God!
14:11We're trapped, aren't we?
14:12We're bloody trapped!
14:13Oh, God!
14:14Oh, God!
14:15Oh, God!
14:16This is just like the Poseidon Adventure!
14:18Hey!
14:19Why don't we just jump and use your voluminous trousers as a parachute?
14:24No, no, no good, Eddie.
14:25I've got my P.E. knickers on.
14:28Still, it's 25 years since you left school.
14:31Shh, shh, shh.
14:32My sister lives round here.
14:33She might hear.
14:35What's she like?
14:36My sister?
14:37She's just like me.
14:38Only with smaller jugs.
14:39Hi.
14:40Come on, Eddie, we're going to have to think of something else.
14:42Right, all right.
14:45Oh, God, I can't take any more of this!
14:47I'm going crazy, I tell you!
14:49Crazy!
14:50I've got to get out of here!
14:51I've got to get out of here!
14:53Oh, just calm down!
14:54Calm down!
14:55Calm down!
15:00Thanks, Eddie.
15:02I'm sorry about that.
15:03It's all right.
15:03I don't know what came over me.
15:07Thanks.
15:08I feel better now.
15:09Hey, Rich.
15:09Yeah?
15:13What was that for?
15:14I was just making sure.
15:17Thanks, mate.
15:20It's OK.
15:28You know, if we ever get through to the other side of this one, I think I'm going to change
15:35the way I live.
15:37I don't get back to Blighty.
15:40I find myself a piece of land.
15:43I find myself a beautiful woman.
15:45Heck, maybe even raise some kids.
15:48Ah, quit dreaming.
15:54We're not going to pull through to the other end of this one, Skip.
15:57You've got to dream, Eddie.
16:02You've got to hold on to the dream.
16:06Can I ask you a question?
16:08Shoot from the hip, Eddie.
16:09That's always been his time.
16:12What's your question?
16:13Well, I guess it's kind of out of left field.
16:17But my question is this.
16:19Yeah.
16:21Why are we talking such complete and utter bollocks?
16:28I don't know, Eddie.
16:30I guess it's a skyline.
16:30Oh, shut up!
16:31Shut up!
16:34Yeah.
16:35Yeah.
16:36Well, I guess we're all shut up in our way.
16:39Shut up!
16:39Shut up!
16:40Shut up!
16:42You know.
16:43All right, that's it.
16:44Oh, I hate that bollocks.
16:59Yeah, me too.
17:01Sorry about the bollocks, Eddie.
17:06Boop, boop!
17:10Oh.
17:12Oh.
17:14God, I'm bored.
17:21How long have we been here now?
17:22About seven minutes.
17:25God.
17:27It feels like eight and a half minutes.
17:31Hey, Richard, look at this.
17:34Remember that stalk margarine competition we entered?
17:37Yeah.
17:39We didn't win it.
17:41What?
17:42Well, who did?
17:43Slipped Digby.
17:45Slipped Digby.
17:46The organist?
17:47Well, that's not what they called him in court.
17:51Well, what was his winning caption?
17:54I like stalk margarine because...
17:57I've only got one leg.
17:59Not bad.
18:09Clever bastard.
18:10Yeah.
18:10Why didn't we think of that one?
18:12Well, I told you we weren't going to get far with I like stalk margarine because I've enclosed
18:17a fiver.
18:18Mons the word.
18:19Yeah, well, we never posted it, did we?
18:22There wasn't a lot of point.
18:23You took the fiver out, didn't you?
18:24Oh, look, Rich, there's an article about the Ferris wheel in this week's bugle.
18:29Oh, oh, oh.
18:30Not only is it the tallest, it's also the oldest Ferris wheel in Western Europe.
18:35Look, it's all here in this article entitled, Illegal Death Trap Wheel to Close Tonight.
18:40The whole area declared danger zone and boarded up to await detonation.
18:48It's all wired up and ready to go.
18:50What?
18:50And it's too expensive to dismantle, so they're just going to blow it up.
18:55When?
18:58First thing tomorrow morning.
19:02Sort of spare underpants time, really, isn't it?
19:06Help!
19:07Help!
19:08Look, there's nothing for it.
19:10We're just going to have to wait until an aeroplane comes, right, and try and attract its attention.
19:14Yes!
19:14Okay?
19:15Yes!
19:16Oh, here comes one.
19:25Sorry about that one.
19:29So you had the egg.
19:34Oh, look, Eddie.
19:35Here comes the helicopter.
19:37Hello?
19:38Hello?
19:38Is that a police chopper?
19:41No, I think one of them's just left his truncheon sticking out the door.
19:45Okay, look, he's got a side handle.
19:48Hello?
19:48I say?
19:49I say?
19:50Oh!
19:52They can't see us.
19:54They can't.
19:55If only we had something to illuminate us.
19:59If only we had some flares.
20:00This is no time to make a fashion statement.
20:04We're going to be blown up at dawn.
20:07No, no, no, I mean distressed flares.
20:09Well, like the one Susie Quattro used to wear.
20:11Will you stop it with the crap flares joke?
20:14Right, right.
20:16Right.
20:16Okay.
20:17Have you got any alcohol on you?
20:18Hey, that's a good idea.
20:20Let's drink ourselves to death.
20:21Then we won't notice.
20:23Give it to me.
20:23Give it to me.
20:24Give it to me.
20:25All right.
20:29What's in this?
20:30Brandy.
20:31Good.
20:32Meths, perno, paint stripper, Mr. Sheen, brake fluid and drambuie.
20:37Drambuie.
20:41Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
20:43Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.
20:45You've got to put something in for the birds, haven't you?
20:48Oh, jeez.
20:50How are you alive?
20:53I may very well not be.
20:58Well, anyway, this is going to bloody work.
21:00Right, look.
21:00We stuff that in there.
21:01Yes.
21:01Right.
21:02We wait for the next chopper to come along.
21:03Set fire to it, right.
21:05Bug it right up in the air.
21:06Where it bursts and illuminates us.
21:10May I voice just a small note of caution?
21:13No time, Eddie.
21:14Here comes the chopper now.
21:18Here it goes.
21:19Wait for it to burst.
21:21Wait for it to burst.
21:23Look out.
21:28I thought you said it was going to illuminate us.
21:31It's more like it's going to incinerate us.
21:33Well, you can't get much more illuminated than being on fire, can you?
21:36Come on, wave your arms.
21:38Chad, help.
21:40Is this help, help, I'm stuck on the top of a Ferris wheel, or help, help, I'm burning to death?
21:45Oh, will you stop whinging?
21:47At least we're warm now.
21:49Well, hot now.
21:51Well, being roasted alive now.
21:53Bloody hell, Eddie.
21:54Put it out with your coat.
21:55I can't do that.
21:57It's got 50 quid's worth of miniature sewn into the lining.
21:59The whole place should go up.
22:02Emergency better.
22:04No!
22:06Yes!
22:07No!
22:12Bye-bye, baby.
22:14I will never, ever, ever forget you for this.
22:25Thanks, Eddie.
22:26What for?
22:27Hey, we get ourselves out of some scrapes, don't we?
22:30If I hadn't been so crazily heroic in stamping out the inferno, that never would have happened.
22:50You bollocks!
22:51You're just overweight!
22:53Do you dare call me overweight, young man?
22:58Oh, bloody!
23:06Stop!
23:07Splice my sausages!
23:10Cool, yummy!
23:12Christmas pudding!
23:14Blood and stomach pills!
23:16Hey, Eddie.
23:18What?
23:18We know how to swear, us two, don't we?
23:20You f***ing mo hit the c*** right on the nail there, you f***ing bastards!
23:25Oh, God, that was frightening!
23:28My whole life flashed before me.
23:31It was sort of one long, relentless collage of grey.
23:34We dispersed with visits to the lab.
23:38Eddie.
23:39What?
23:40If we killed ourselves, we could cheat fate.
23:44Yeah.
23:45I don't think we actually want to piss fate off at the moment.
23:57Well, this is it, then, Eddie.
24:01Yes, I suppose so.
24:04Any last regrets?
24:06Only that I didn't have a lathie before we got on the ride.
24:09How about you?
24:11No, I had one just after we got on.
24:12I think that's what caused the electrics to go, you know.
24:18Oh, this is it.
24:19Yes.
24:19Oh.
24:21I wish...
24:22I just wish...
24:23I just wish my life had just, just, just been completely different.
24:30Still, I did my bit for the country.
24:33What, you stayed in the town?
24:35Absolutely.
24:35You know, I think I might come back as a bra.
24:45What?
24:46Well, all us Buddhists believe in reincarnation, you see.
24:50When did you become a Buddhist?
24:52About five seconds ago.
24:53And may I say, it has completely changed my life.
24:57Eddie, Eddie, you can't come back as a bra.
25:02That's just stupid.
25:04You've got to come back as something organic.
25:05All right, I'm only a beginner, you know.
25:09All right, then I'll come back as, uh...
25:11Claudia Schieffer.
25:13She's seriously organic.
25:17And then, when it rained, I could run outside in a thin white cotton dress
25:22and get completely soaked.
25:24And then I'd run back indoors and I'd look at myself and I'd say,
25:27Ooh, look, you're all wet.
25:29You'd better strip off slowly in front of a mirror.
25:33But you'd be a bird.
25:35Yeah.
25:36But she wouldn't know that.
25:39Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
25:40Let me get this straight.
25:41But you have taken the ancient wisdom of Buddhism
25:44and perverted it into a dastardly scheme
25:48whereby you take over the brain of a supermodel
25:50just so as you can get a quick ogle at her norks.
25:52Yeah, that's about the size of it.
25:55It's a bloody good plan, isn't it?
25:57Yeah, hey, it's got a lot going for it, this Buddhism thing.
26:00I think I'll come back as Danny Minogue.
26:03Yeah.
26:04Hey, I'll get myself a job as a topless go-go dancer
26:07in a bar full of mirrors.
26:09Yeah, and after that, I'm going to come back
26:11as a giraffe.
26:12Yeah!
26:15A giraffe?
26:16Yeah.
26:17Well, then I'd have me head up above the trees, wouldn't I?
26:19And I'd be able to keep a really good lookout
26:21for any supermodels taking topless helicopter lessons.
26:24Yeah, all right!
26:27Hey, have you got any Buddhist figures down there?
26:29Got me papers so he can sign up?
26:31Whoa!
26:31Whoa!
26:31Whoa!
26:37Things are looking bleak.
26:39Well spotted, Eddie.
26:41Right, that's it.
26:42Time's up.
26:43I think we'd better start praying.
26:45Who to?
26:45Buddha?
26:46No, no!
26:47None of that old supermodel cobblers.
26:48The real thing.
26:49Good old sea of heat.
26:51All right.
26:52Woo!
26:52Oh, Lord.
27:01Oh, Lordy.
27:03Oh, Lordy, Lordy.
27:05Looks a'lordy.
27:06Oh, Lordy, Lordy.
27:07Way down on dat old swan-y river.
27:10Here, our friend.
27:13Help!
27:15Help!
27:15Help!
27:15It's a miracle!
27:25It's a miracle!
27:30Nice one.
27:33Very nice one.
27:36Nice beard, too.
27:39Oh, hang on.
27:40Rich.
27:41What?
27:42Although we, and indeed the whole BBC, respect people's rights to believe in whatever they
27:47wish, because we don't want to get into the shit on this one.
27:51We don't actually believe in God, do we?
27:55No.
27:56Shit!
27:57Shit!
28:11What?
28:17Quit.
28:17What?
28:25What?
28:33I'm done.