Tracee Ellis Ross’s Journey to Self Love, From Girlfriends to Black-ish

SELF Magazine

"It took me a long time to discover who I am, then get comfortable being who I am, and then have the courage to live as that person." From figuring out her curls to becoming a seasoned actress, here are the lessons that Tracee Ellis Ross learned through the decades.  Director: Sydney Malone Director of Photography: Jack Belisle Editor: Brady Jackson Talent: Tracee Ellis Ross Producer: Noel Jean; Natalie Campbell Production Manager: Melissa Heber Production Coordinator: Alexis Winston Talent Booker: Tracy Shaffer Camera Operator: Lauren Pruitt Sound Mixer: Lily van Leeuwen  Production Assistant: Ashley Vidal  Post Production Supervisor: Jess Dunn Supervising Editor: Rob Lombardi Assistant Editor: Andy Morell Special Thanks: Paige Levinson Associate Director of Programming and Development: Logan Tsugita

Transcript

00:00So it was like you're slammed together as sisters, like these girl groups that don't know each other.

00:04It was just intense, but we made it out alive, and we are so proud of the work that we did,

00:08but it was a hefty eight years. 173 episodes.

00:12Hi, I'm Tracee Ellis Ross, and this is Self, and we're going to be walking you through key moments of me through the decades.

00:24Funny thing about my life is you can Google things,

00:27because I would not have thought that I was 12 or 13 in that photograph.

00:31Let me go back to 12 years old.

00:33I was incredibly uncomfortable in my skin.

00:35I had not quite discovered the comfort of contact lenses yet.

00:39Still had not figured my hair out.

00:41I hadn't started wearing my hair naturally curly at 12.

00:44And I remember Radio City was like a, it still is Radio City,

00:48but for me with my mom performing at Radio City,

00:50it was like this big to-do around interacting with the people that loved my mother.

00:56And I hadn't quite figured out who I was yet,

00:59so that felt like a bit of a daunting adventure.

01:04It took me a long time to discover who I am,

01:07then get comfortable being who I am,

01:09and then have the courage to live as that person.

01:12This was at Chris, my stepbrother's birthday party,

01:15at our apartment here in New York.

01:18Yeah, I had not figured out my curls yet.

01:21I could chronicle my journey of self-acceptance through my journey with my hair.

01:25I was matching myself up to a standard of beauty that did not include me,

01:29that did not include a woman of color, a black woman, or textured hair.

01:34The truth is, for me, at the end of seventh grade, we moved to Paris.

01:38I used to, before I left for Europe,

01:41we would go to the salon every Saturday and get our hair done,

01:44and then the week would be about sort of maintaining my hair.

01:48And when I went to Europe, I started running track,

01:50and I couldn't go to the salon.

01:52And so I fried my hair,

01:55because all I knew what to do was, like, put heat on it,

01:58and I used to, it was just...

02:00I was attempting to find my own identity,

02:04my own sense of beauty, my own sense of self,

02:07and that's when my journey began.

02:11College, Tracy was...

02:14I fell in love.

02:17I fell in love.

02:18I moved in with my boyfriend.

02:20I was studying theater.

02:22I got the acting bug in college,

02:24and I remember thinking,

02:26oh, this is it.

02:28Like, all of a sudden,

02:30I felt like I was experiencing myself out in the world.

02:34Like, my limbs, like, started finding what they could do,

02:37and I was like, ooh, I've got arms, and I've got legs,

02:39and, oh, my God, my heart can actually be used,

02:41and I have a voice, and I, oh, my God.

02:43And in college, I started to gain a confidence

02:46in expressing myself and what I knew

02:49and my point of view.

02:51When I got here in 1995,

02:53I was on a model go-see,

02:54and I went to Mirabella Magazine,

02:56and Jade Hobson, who was the creative director,

02:58took me under her wing,

02:59and when I graduated from college,

03:01I came in as an intern

03:02and worked as a fashion editor intern at Mirabella Magazine,

03:06and this is me at a show

03:08in my fashion editor years.

03:13That is the beginning of my womanhood.

03:17Girlfriends.

03:20It's very hard to put four women together at that age

03:24in that high-pressure cooker situation.

03:27I will say this about girlfriends.

03:29All four of us were always puzzled

03:31because Joan, Tony, Maya, and Lynn treated each other

03:34in a way that none of us in our lives

03:36had experienced in friendship.

03:38There was a lot of backstabbing.

03:40There was a lot of lying.

03:41There was a lot of secrets.

03:43There was a lot of taking advantage of

03:45in a way that none of us in our lives

03:48could liken that to.

03:51There was a lot of pushback from us as a cast

03:53all the time with Mara

03:55around, like, who treats their friends this way?

03:58Now, don't get me wrong,

03:59makes for really good television.

04:00And although the song is, you know,

04:02there through thick and thin,

04:03I think for me those years,

04:06and I think for the girls too,

04:07like we're close now.

04:08It's not that we weren't close then.

04:10We were working in a very intense pressure cooker.

04:13Things that a lot of people don't know,

04:16our dressing rooms were basically closets

04:18that had no windows.

04:20We all shared a bathroom

04:21and this, like, common area,

04:24this, like, little, like, couch area in the middle.

04:27And so we were just, like, on top of each other.

04:29Like, it was, it was, there was no privacy.

04:32You couldn't talk on the phone.

04:33So it was like you're slammed together as sisters,

04:35like these girl groups that don't know each other.

04:37It was just intense, but we made it out alive

04:39and we are so proud of the work that we did,

04:42but it was a hefty eight years.

04:44173 episodes.

04:45I think that I became a woman during those years,

04:48but I didn't get a chance to embody that womanhood

04:53until I was out of the show and left the show.

04:57I just want to name that this is probably

04:59one of the worst outfits I've ever worn in my life.

05:02No, no, no, no.

05:02I'm dead serious.

05:04And my friend, Aaron, who put this on me,

05:06we laugh about it all the time.

05:08This is the worst, most unflattering, insane outfit.

05:13It's a, what is it?

05:16And what, do I have on?

05:17But like, I can't.

05:18Anyway, my 30s were great, but I wouldn't go back.

05:22I'm telling you, I wouldn't do 20s, 30s, or 40s again.

05:26I am so happy in my 50s.

05:28I discovered volume in my hair.

05:30I think I discovered a bigger sense of myself.

05:34I gained a different kind of confidence

05:36in my sense of humor.

05:37And five, six, five, six, seven, eight.

05:41Cabbage patch, cabbage patch, roll nine.

05:44I started to become a seasoned actress in my 30s.

05:48One of the things I learned, for example,

05:49is when you're doing a show weekly

05:51and we would do 24 episodes a season,

05:54every week you're doing it.

05:56You know what I mean?

05:57And every table read, I would think I was a bad actor.

06:01Every table read.

06:02And after about the 10th, 12th, 13th, you're like,

06:05am I a bad actor every week?

06:07Or is this just part of the process?

06:09And that if I was gonna be an artist

06:11and lead from that place,

06:13I needed to get out of my own way

06:15and allow the freedom of being bad at something

06:20in order to discover if I was good at something.

06:23That was what was going on in my 30s.

06:26God, I switched into being a lady,

06:28like an old lady so quickly.

06:30I felt like the whole story of Black-ish

06:32was that Bo and Dre were basically

06:34being parented by their children.

06:36They were useless parents,

06:37which was the humor and the fun of it.

06:39It was an interesting leap.

06:41It was a scary leap for me not having children

06:44and at that point in my career

06:46to all of a sudden be a lady

06:50that was a wife and a mother of five children.

06:53Like it just felt,

06:54is this the right thing for me to do in my career?

06:57Tracee Ellis Ross.

06:58Ended up being great.

07:00But it was scary when it first was brought to me.

07:03I was like, I don't know.

07:04I don't know if that's what I,

07:06is the right next thing.

07:07But it was.

07:09So you are using white guilt for your college essay.

07:13Yes.

07:13Uh-huh.

07:14Okay.

07:15I don't act by channeling.

07:17I open up the part of me known as,

07:19that's what I say,

07:20the part of me known as Bo.

07:21So the part of me that is a mother,

07:24that does mother,

07:25and I respond honestly to things.

07:27It was such a treat.

07:28I mean, I can't call them kids anymore.

07:30They're not kids anymore.

07:31Marseille, Miles, and Yara, and Marcus

07:34are just wonderful human beings.

07:36You know, they always say like,

07:37don't work with kids or animals,

07:39but that was not our experience.

07:40We laughed all day on that show.

07:44Really interesting time to sort of shift

07:47from being a person discovering who I am

07:50to just being like the matriarch

07:52in my work environment

07:53and also in my life,

07:55just sort of that kind of person.

07:57Like, I'm not an activist,

07:58but I very actively use my voice.

08:00And that was sort of the transition

08:02that occurred during those years

08:04that I feel really grateful for.

08:09By the time 2019 rolled around,

08:12so keep in mind,

08:13pattern for me was 10 years in the making.

08:16When Girlfriends finished,

08:17I wrote my first hair care brand pitch.

08:20Nobody was interested.

08:21Nobody understood why an actress

08:23would be making hair products.

08:25Nobody understood the difference

08:26between hair products

08:28that were for curly, coily,

08:29and tight textured versus straight.

08:31Like, people were just like,

08:32nah, I don't get it.

08:33Nah, I don't get it.

08:34So I heard all different kinds of no's

08:36and from Girlfriends into Black-ish,

08:39not only was I gaining this larger platform,

08:42but I was learning how to express myself

08:43in a way that was much more effective

08:45for what it is that I was trying to accomplish.

08:48In these years between 2019 and now,

08:51really discovered that I am a business builder.

08:55I know how to do that

08:56when it comes to marketing

08:57and the narrative of a business

08:59and how to name and claim

09:01what it is the space is,

09:03what the space is that you're occupying,

09:05what the promise is of your brand.

09:07And I feel like I could do it

09:08for more than just pattern at this point.

09:10It's something that I love

09:12and that intelligence that I discovered

09:13at Brown University

09:15has come sort of full fruition.

09:18Now, in my ability to use that intelligence,

09:21both my emotional intelligence,

09:23my creative ability as an artist

09:26combined with my ability

09:28to articulate and be effective

09:30in what I want and what I want to do.

09:34I have loved getting older.

09:36I think the emotional and spiritual aspect

09:38of getting older is delicious.

09:40The physicality, fascinating.

09:43I look forward to having even more ease

09:46with doing what I know works for me

09:49and saying no to things that don't.

09:52It's still sometimes like hard, you know.

09:55I don't trust my instincts.

09:56I trust my instincts.

09:57I don't always follow through

09:59on supporting them.

10:01I have to say the beginning bit

10:03was a little dicey.

10:05It's kind of hard to go back

10:06into the younger feelings,

10:08but really easy to step into where I am now.

10:11I like where I am now.

10:13And I liked my little journey down memory lane.

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