- 2 days ago
The best romantic comedy about complicated relationships_ _ Full movie in English
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00To you is it we're up visiting his dad's family
00:00:30I'll see you next time
00:01:00I'll see you next time
00:01:30You're gonna have to do this
00:01:30On behalf of Carbo and I
00:01:33I'd like to apologize for getting you evicted
00:01:35That was really
00:01:37Oh wait no
00:01:38That was you
00:01:40You did that all by yourself
00:01:41Cheese stands alone on that one
00:01:45No I'm serious
00:01:46Moving in with my girlfriend is not a desirable thing in my life right now
00:01:49I don't want to do it
00:01:50You gotta help me
00:01:51I don't want to do it
00:01:52Well don't look at me
00:01:53You know I live in the studio
00:01:55And come on man sleep over
00:01:56Stop being cool in 7th grade
00:01:57And I have a boyfriend now
00:01:59So I need my privacy
00:02:02Whatever how old is he like 60
00:02:0380
00:02:05No you know what he's 45
00:02:07And he just had a birthday too
00:02:09So he's pretty much still
00:02:11He's 44
00:02:12Going into
00:02:13Whatever 44, 60
00:02:15You say tomato I say 60
00:02:16He's probably legally blind
00:02:18He wouldn't even notice me being there
00:02:19Oh look at me
00:02:19That's cute
00:02:20That's really funny
00:02:21Where is it?
00:02:23I can't find it
00:02:24That's really cute
00:02:25Oh my god
00:02:26You guys let's go
00:02:27This is ridiculous
00:02:27I can't put it in
00:02:28Let's go
00:02:29I got evicted because I spent all my money trying to impress my new girlfriend
00:02:36And I bought the sweet ass TV
00:02:38Not my fault
00:02:38Oh it's not your fault
00:02:39So it's okay
00:02:41Well if it's not your fault
00:02:42Uh whose fault would it be?
00:02:45Rappers
00:02:45They make it hard for us regular guys
00:02:47Whatever
00:02:48You're the dumbass who spent all your money on someone you met three months ago
00:02:52What part of take it slow didn't make sense?
00:02:55Nothing you say makes sense
00:02:56Besides I refuse to take advice from somebody that's dating Mr. Rogers
00:03:00You're dating Mr. Rogers
00:03:01Okay
00:03:02Does he switch from his blazer to his sweater when you guys start to do it?
00:03:06Yeah he also has a milk carton village in his living room
00:03:09We play with it
00:03:10It's really hot
00:03:11Fine
00:03:12If Mr. Rogers doesn't want to be my neighbor
00:03:14I'll just do my time here at Shawshank Redemption 2
00:03:17And get my own place again
00:03:18Dude you really think you're going to get your own place again man
00:03:21They don't call out the old ball and chain for nothing
00:03:23What are you talking about?
00:03:24Talking about what she's going to do to you in there man
00:03:26What am I going to do to him?
00:03:29Kim
00:03:29He just appeared
00:03:30Out of the thin air
00:03:32Was Professor X mad when you left the X-Men?
00:03:35Yes he was
00:03:36Now what am I going to do to him?
00:03:38For starters you'll probably cut his penis off
00:03:40And use it as a really small shake weight, you know?
00:03:42Mmhmm
00:03:44Take that
00:03:45Yeah
00:03:50Big boy's neighborhood
00:03:51Big boy's
00:03:52It is going down man
00:03:53Relationships, do they work?
00:03:54Mmhmm
00:03:55Yeah
00:03:55Is it better to be single?
00:03:57If you're miserable, yes
00:03:58Right, right
00:03:59My bedroom already has a TV
00:04:00You get a lot of people that say
00:04:01Hey, you know, I'm in a relationship
00:04:02What should I do?
00:04:03What's going on?
00:04:04It's a pink TV
00:04:05Yeah, and it matches everything else in the room
00:04:07I'm here to help you
00:04:07Who's in the neighborhood?
00:04:09Hey, what's up going on guys?
00:04:10What's happening, who this?
00:04:11Uh, this is Rick
00:04:12Rick, what's going on Rick?
00:04:13How you doing Rick?
00:04:14Hi Rick
00:04:14Oh my god, you guys
00:04:16Check out all the pink and shit
00:04:20Pink is my favorite color
00:04:21The color of vaginas
00:04:23Actually smells like vagina in here
00:04:24You guys are
00:04:25Yeah
00:04:25Ew
00:04:26Thank you, let's go
00:04:27Let's go help
00:04:28Let's go help
00:04:29I support what I like to go up by
00:04:30The way I like to dress, right?
00:04:32Just go, I go out
00:04:33You know, I wear the shirt
00:04:34She's so
00:04:35You know, you dress like an eight-year-old
00:04:37I'm strong
00:04:38Thanks
00:04:39Oh, good luck with your wife
00:04:41Not my wife
00:04:42A year ago, she wasn't trying to dress you
00:04:44No, dude, she wasn't trying to dress you or nothing
00:04:45Yeah, she was just like
00:04:46Oh, you're just
00:04:47That's so cool
00:04:48You're so cool
00:04:49Everything was compliments at the beginning
00:04:50Right
00:04:51Have you changed, Rick
00:04:52Have you changed in that year?
00:04:53I don't think I've changed
00:04:55So, so do you think that
00:04:56Like, right now
00:04:57With the shirt
00:04:58A year later
00:04:59What?
00:05:00She's a different person
00:05:01It seems incredible
00:05:03I'm packing
00:05:05Uh-huh
00:05:06Yeah
00:05:07Jesus
00:05:09Sorry, I couldn't hold it in any longer
00:05:11Why didn't you spit in your own hair?
00:05:21You know what?
00:05:22I feel more comfortable with you already
00:05:24This is gonna be fun, right?
00:05:26Hmm
00:05:27Alright
00:05:28Well
00:05:29I'm going to bed, give me a kiss
00:05:34Um, can I get a better kiss than that?
00:05:45Okay, that's enough
00:05:46We have to get up early tomorrow
00:05:48Um
00:05:49What?
00:05:50Why?
00:05:51We do chores on Sundays
00:05:53I thought we sleep late and watch football on Sundays
00:05:56We do not
00:05:57Sundays for chores
00:05:59You don't sleep late and watch football
00:06:01Ever
00:06:02Ever?
00:06:03Hey, can you turn the TV off?
00:06:06Can I leave it on?
00:06:07I like to sleep with the TV on
00:06:08Just turn it off, okay?
00:06:10I'll turn it down real low
00:06:12In the bathroom light if you're done?
00:06:14Thanks
00:06:16Um, can we compromise?
00:06:23Fine
00:06:24You're anointed as a girlfriend?
00:06:25That sounds great
00:06:26Thank you
00:06:27Thank you, man
00:06:28So you are now anointed as a single man
00:06:30Okay
00:06:54Big boy's neighborhood
00:07:06Big boy
00:07:07It is going down, man
00:07:08Relationships, man
00:07:09Do they work?
00:07:10Are you better off being single?
00:07:11We've been talking about it, man
00:07:12And we got someone that felt like
00:07:14It was so necessary
00:07:16To just come up into the neighborhood
00:07:18Oh yeah, that's necessary
00:07:19And be helped with this problem, man
00:07:20Now your name is?
00:07:22James
00:07:23What's so bad about your relationship, James?
00:07:27Well, she is the Antichrist
00:07:29Wow
00:07:30Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
00:07:31Yeah, man, you want to be careful about dating the Antichrist, man
00:07:33We heard about that
00:07:34It's not working
00:07:35Alrighty, now
00:07:36So this is what we're going to do
00:07:37You're done
00:07:38So if we call her up
00:07:40Is it okay to call her up?
00:07:41Please
00:07:42So do you want me to handle it?
00:07:43Because I can handle the breakup for you
00:07:44Do y'all live together now?
00:07:46That's the issue
00:07:47Okay
00:07:48I don't have anywhere else to go
00:07:49Unless I can stay with you
00:07:50No, no
00:07:51You're not going to stay with me
00:07:52I'm going to do the breakup for you
00:07:53I'm going to do the breakup for you
00:07:54Then we're going to ask you to leave
00:07:55I still want to live with her, though
00:07:56What?
00:07:57What's that?
00:07:58Come on now, James, man
00:07:59What the?
00:08:00I wish that when people just walked in here
00:08:01We could do a blood test
00:08:02Are you trying to do like the friends with benefits thing?
00:08:04Or
00:08:05New benefits
00:08:06I just want to sleep on her couch
00:08:07So if you want to break up with her
00:08:08But you still want to sleep on her couch?
00:08:10Yes
00:08:11Alright, do you want me to tell her that?
00:08:12Yes
00:08:13Okay, alright
00:08:14You don't want to be homeless
00:08:15Alright
00:08:16Alright
00:08:17Do me a favor, brother
00:08:18Do me a favor
00:08:19If you write down the name
00:08:20Her name is
00:08:21Why are you on the couch?
00:08:22Hmmmm
00:08:23James
00:08:24Why are you on the couch?
00:08:29Because it's softer than the floor
00:08:33Must have fell asleep with the TV on
00:08:38Must have fell asleep with the TV on
00:08:57What?
00:08:59Was I snoring?
00:09:02Can you put this TV in the closet
00:09:05And take out the trash, please?
00:09:07Pew pew
00:09:24It's chore day!
00:09:37But it's key
00:09:38Is it better to be single?
00:09:40Ever
00:09:41Ever
00:09:42Ever
00:09:44Ever
00:09:45Ever
00:09:46eaten
00:09:47Ever
00:09:48Sher ändern
00:09:49It's morning
00:09:50Ever
00:09:52Ever
00:09:53Ever
00:09:54Ever
00:09:55Ever
00:09:56Ever
00:09:57Ever
00:09:58Ever
00:10:00Ever
00:10:01It's not full yet
00:10:02Yeah, well, there's still trash in it.
00:10:04It still needs to be emptied.
00:10:06It's empty.
00:10:07It just has one banana peel and some tissue.
00:10:11Gross.
00:10:12That is gross.
00:10:13You spit in my hand last night.
00:10:15That wasn't gross to you?
00:10:17That was fine.
00:10:18This is gross.
00:10:19Can you just take out the trash?
00:10:21And that box needs to go as well.
00:10:24Please?
00:10:32Oh my god, what is that?
00:10:39Is it alive?
00:10:41No, silly.
00:10:42It died when I shaved it off my body.
00:10:45Wow, that's disgusting.
00:10:47What?
00:10:48I haven't shaved in a while.
00:10:49I don't know, what's the big deal?
00:10:50I mean, I just thought that since we'd be living together,
00:10:54that we'd eventually, you know...
00:10:59Have sex?
00:11:00Well, yeah.
00:11:01Coming!
00:11:12Smells so good in here.
00:11:15Okay.
00:11:16Alright, we'll come in the bathroom when you're done, okay?
00:11:18Okay!
00:11:31Thanks.
00:11:32Let's go and get this.
00:11:33Here, have some water.
00:11:35This one will be.
00:11:36Whatever, sir.
00:11:37Oh my God!
00:11:38But what does this mean...
00:11:39It does not matter if...
00:11:40It does not matter, it does not matter, it does not matter, it doesn't matter, it does,
00:11:41it does not matter.
00:11:42I'm not sure where you're going to eat.
00:11:43It does not matter.
00:11:44Oh my God!
00:11:45Yes.
00:11:46It does not matter.
00:11:47Here, have some water.
00:11:48It's Sunday, Sunday chore day, oh you guys didn't know?
00:12:12Yeah I didn't know either until last night, just found out, I was kinda planning on watching
00:12:17the game with my friends today, but no, I'm here, just eating banana peels out of frickin'
00:12:22trash cans.
00:12:23James, stop!
00:12:24What?
00:12:25No, it's Troy Day, Troy Day.
00:12:26It's okay Tony, yeah I know it's sad, but don't cry, that's stupid, okay?
00:12:30What we can do is, you can stop crying like a little bitch, and go to the store and get
00:12:34me some op-and-go, and then we can all clean together.
00:12:36How about that?
00:12:37What?
00:12:38James, Tanny's grandmother just died.
00:12:40Shawna and I are trying to console her.
00:12:47I'm so good, I'm so good!
00:12:54T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T!
00:12:56Oh really?
00:12:57You're gonna throw a 1?
00:12:58I'm going slow, alright.
00:12:59Just be going slow.
00:13:00You're going slow.
00:13:01What do you got there, pal?
00:13:02Uh.
00:13:03Come on, come on!
00:13:04Hey!
00:13:05Haha, reds.
00:13:06Reds!
00:13:07Reds!
00:13:08You're going to clean it up.
00:13:10What are you doing?
00:13:12She doesn't say bless you when I sneeze, doesn't let me watch TV in bed, and she makes me do
00:13:40chores. She's like an unpleasant, non-seeing Mary Poppins.
00:13:45Mmm, I told you this was gonna happen.
00:13:47And she snores like a velociraptor. And the first night that we spend together, I gotta sleep on the couch because of it.
00:13:53Uh, wait, you've never spent the night together before?
00:13:56Nope. You know, I used to think that she was just being old-fashioned. Now, I think that she was just trying to M. Night Shyamalan me with a sucky twist at the end.
00:14:07Ugh, come over here and help me move that.
00:14:09Baby, we don't need no panels.
00:14:10No, how much are these?
00:14:12$30.
00:14:13What are you gonna need to find out?
00:14:14$30. That's too much. That's way too much.
00:14:16You came here for something else.
00:14:17What about this? There.
00:14:19Maybe I just need time to work the kinks out.
00:14:23It's too bad you don't have an apartment to go back to.
00:14:26It's too bad people don't like you because your face is ugly.
00:14:28You're married to Miss Piggy, and I'm awesome.
00:14:32Um, so we're not broke.
00:14:33No, no, we are.
00:14:35She doesn't know it. She's living this life that she doesn't know right now.
00:14:37No, we're not broke.
00:14:38Well, you know, well, this one's $300.
00:14:40Wow. That's $300?
00:14:42But guess what? I'm gonna go.
00:14:43Uh-huh.
00:14:44This guy right here, he's the ring expert.
00:14:46Mr. Tall Guy, we need your help, man.
00:14:48I'm assuming this is your first day.
00:14:49Yeah.
00:14:50You wanna come? Tall Guy!
00:14:52Saved my day.
00:14:53All right. All right.
00:14:54Cool. Thank you, man.
00:14:55Great.
00:14:56Doesn't look like he knows much either.
00:14:58This guy is great.
00:15:00So how much is this one?
00:15:01Which one?
00:15:02This one right here.
00:15:03Oh, no. I don't like that one.
00:15:05How much?
00:15:06It's ugly.
00:15:08It's $300.
00:15:10You are so cheap.
00:15:12Wait till I tell my mother that you bought my engagement ring in a stuff shop.
00:15:17Okay.
00:15:18So you two lovebirds getting married?
00:15:20Oh, yeah. We just had a baby.
00:15:23You are the father.
00:15:25Mm-hmm.
00:15:26Oh, we're gonna be a family now.
00:15:27Congratulations.
00:15:28Maury can kiss my ass.
00:15:30You shouldn't talk about Maury like that because he's a great guy.
00:15:33Well, he's so great. I watched you have him be the father of your child, huh?
00:15:36Mm-hmm. Yeah.
00:15:37Of course you would say that. You would. He's taken, okay?
00:15:40But if I could've chose to have him make love to me in the bathroom stall of Chuck E. Cheese instead of you, I would've.
00:15:45Wow. Whatever.
00:15:46Yeah, whatever.
00:15:47We'll take this one.
00:15:48It's ugly.
00:15:49Well, it matches your face, honey.
00:15:51James and Kim are so perfect strangers.
00:16:07Hmm. No. More like Laverne and Shirley.
00:16:10More like Mork and Mindy. James, you're so Mindy, by the way.
00:16:13No. We haven't had sex.
00:16:15What?
00:16:16What?
00:16:17What?
00:16:18Dude, so you living with a girl, that's your girlfriend, and you're not having sex with her?
00:16:22No. She says that she's still feeling me out.
00:16:27I don't get it. What does that mean?
00:16:29Yeah, I don't get it either.
00:16:30Like, I'm a girl and I don't get that.
00:16:32Whatevs, man. You know, you're trying something different. Cool.
00:16:35I thought you were gonna make fun of me.
00:16:39I'm not gonna do that to your face.
00:16:42Yeah, well, at least I got a roof over my head because nobody else would take me in.
00:16:46Dude, if you're gonna live with her, you've got to get the sex thing out of the way.
00:16:50Trust me, sexual tension in your living situation is not gonna make it any more comfortable.
00:16:56But she's not ready, okay? How do I make her ready?
00:17:02Nurture her.
00:17:04What the hell is that? A sex move?
00:17:06No. But it can lead to it.
00:17:12Really?
00:17:17Okay, um, nurture how?
00:17:26Faith.
00:17:28Faith.
00:17:29Hey.
00:17:30What up?
00:17:31Did you forget your key?
00:17:32No.
00:17:33Uh, well, yeah, maybe.
00:17:34Yep, I forgot my key.
00:17:36That's what I did.
00:17:37Aw, are those for me?
00:17:39Those?
00:17:40No, no.
00:17:41They are for the best girlfriend in the world.
00:17:45Oh, wait.
00:17:47That is you!
00:17:53Aw, they're beautiful.
00:17:57Well, guess what the best girlfriend in the world did for you today?
00:18:00She put my TV in the bedroom.
00:18:02No.
00:18:03It's so much better than that.
00:18:04Come on, let me show you.
00:18:05What could be better than that?
00:18:06Close your eyes.
00:18:11Okay, open them.
00:18:14Ta-da!
00:18:16Nice, take out.
00:18:17Man, you put it on the good plates.
00:18:19No.
00:18:20I cooked it.
00:18:21Nuh-uh.
00:18:23Yeah.
00:18:24I just wanted to make up for the rocky start we had, you know?
00:18:27Just make everything perfect.
00:18:29Sorry, Kermie.
00:18:32Yeah, I'm sorry, too.
00:18:37I don't think it's our fault, though, you know?
00:18:40It's just...
00:18:42It's a crazy situation.
00:18:43Maybe we need to put on some slow music one night and nurture each other a bunch of times.
00:18:50Then we'll be fine.
00:18:54Thanks for cooking me dinner.
00:18:55And thank you for the eight, nine, ten... roses.
00:19:03There's only ten roses here?
00:19:05You're welcome.
00:19:06So, I'm not worth a full dozen?
00:19:09Well, no.
00:19:10Nope.
00:19:11I did the math, and you only added up to about ten...
00:19:18Ten.
00:19:19Sorry.
00:19:22I'm joking.
00:19:24Seriously?
00:19:27Okay.
00:19:28Wow.
00:19:29If it means that much to you, I will get two more tomorrow.
00:19:32Then you'll have a dozen.
00:19:33Bye.
00:19:35Bye.
00:19:48You are worse than a rapist!
00:20:00What?
00:20:18Bye.
00:20:19Bye.
00:20:21Bye.
00:20:26Bye.
00:20:28Bye.
00:20:31Bye.
00:20:37Bye.
00:20:48real quick man how much for the mannequin head the bald one uh three dollars are you selling
00:20:57like faulty mannequin heads i've never seen one that cheap how how can it be faulty it's a mannequin
00:21:02i'm just trying to buy a mannequin head that's all i don't i don't need an attitude behind it i'm
00:21:07just i saw him from outside i'm into it i i have a thing about the mannequin that's my business
00:21:13okay i'm trying i'm trying to give you money you can have it for five what is your problem what's
00:21:18the attitude about man no attitude i'm sensing attitude uh uh sorry man i just i got some things
00:21:28going on jeez what things you need to get some stuff off your chest you want to talk about it before you
00:21:32make a sale i got i got some girl problems what kind of girl problems what are your problems really i
00:21:39don't think i should go into it i don't think i needed to explain why i wanted the mannequin head
00:21:42but i had to okay all right got this girl i want to break up with her she's crazy tell you what you
00:21:48do next time she eats bacon shit on her piece shit shit on a piece of bacon you know what that's gonna
00:21:56do what i'm gonna show a different side of you she's never seen that side okay then she's gonna say why
00:22:01you shit on my bacon when she say why you shit on my bacon say because i wanted to i'm a man i'll do
00:22:05what the hell i want in this household no you won't you won't shit on my bacon problem i'm done
00:22:10i'm not gonna deal with a woman that goes back and forth with me leave you're out you see what
00:22:14i'm saying shit on the bacon shit on the bacon homie i know what i'm talking about i've been
00:22:18with women for years okay and if that doesn't work though what should i do there's no reason why it
00:22:23shouldn't work how many times did you shit on somebody's bacon none times exactly so how do you
00:22:29know it doesn't work i don't exactly shit on the bacon man that's your problem you ask too many
00:22:33questions son if i can't produce the shit then wait till you gotta shit and then cook the bacon
00:22:38okay okay all right all right i see why she's crazy why can i get the mannequin hit man that's it
00:22:48dude i don't took time out of my life to drop some science on you i don't have time here you go
00:22:52see why you don't get business in here see why you don't
00:22:58hey you you're gonna go good with the rest of me trust you i don't call you that though
00:23:08how much do i owe you let's take it you sure yeah all right thank you
00:23:16say bye her name's charlene
00:23:18not anymore
00:23:20maybe you'll think well maybe
00:23:37maybe my heart won't make this maybe my heart won't see it through
00:23:46i wasn't mentioned but i may find
00:23:50thirty seconds but i'm through
00:23:54and i wonder if
00:23:58i should up and quit
00:24:02i'm rolling rolling rolling
00:24:07my heart around the bed
00:24:11rolling rolling rolling
00:24:15life's kicking me down again
00:24:18working on the bed
00:24:20living on the bed
00:24:23it's in the bed
00:24:25it's in the bed
00:24:27it's in the bed
00:24:29it's in the bed
00:24:32you're gonna have to make this
00:24:35your bed
00:24:36your bed
00:24:37like if that's them
00:24:39your bed
00:24:43it's in the bed
00:24:44because they're on the bed
00:24:47My dad is coming over for dinner tonight
00:24:50I thought he was in Spain. Barcelona, but he just got back last night and he's coming over today
00:24:55So you mister need to eat your breakfast because you have a big day ahead of you
00:25:01I like your beer. I like it. I like it. I like it
00:25:06What is this? Bacon. Bacon. It's fake bacon. Shit on the bacon, homie. My dad's a vegetarian, so. I like real bacon, though
00:25:23Well, you don't need real bacon anymore because there's fake bacon. Oh, and those are some I can't believe it's not sausage sausage
00:25:31But I like to call it sausage
00:25:33Mmm, try some. Come on. Try it
00:25:42Pulp? I hate pulp. I thought you like pulp. I don't
00:25:56Good
00:26:03Mmm. It's chewy
00:26:05It's good, right?
00:26:07No
00:26:08No
00:26:13Cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha cha. Yay!
00:26:23I was sleeping in the pink room last night
00:26:26Pinky in the brain
00:26:26Shut up
00:26:28What's wrong with you?
00:26:29Not in the mood.
00:26:43I'll give you 100 for it.
00:26:4582 in cash and the rest in quarters.
00:26:48Get out of here, Scoop.
00:26:50Come on, dude. You don't even like baseball anymore.
00:26:53Doesn't matter. It's my card. I can do what I want.
00:26:57Then why even keep it in the case if you're not gonna sell it?
00:26:59Oh, I'm not gonna sell it to you.
00:27:01Doesn't mean I'm not gonna sell it to somebody else.
00:27:03You're just mad because the Orioles are the worst team in baseball.
00:27:06You're the worst team in baseball.
00:27:08You're ugly.
00:27:09You're a virgin. Way worse than being ugly.
00:27:11Completely irrelevant.
00:27:13I sucked a boob.
00:27:14A boob? Yeah, probably.
00:27:16And you were also eating baby food at the time, right?
00:27:18No, I suck boobs all the time.
00:27:20I'm a suck machine.
00:27:22Shouldn't you, uh, be off somewhere doing homework?
00:27:25In your suit. Why are you wearing a suit?
00:27:28I had a presentation at school today.
00:27:30Did you present how much of a suck machine you are to the class?
00:27:33God, you're such a douche. Emphasis on the duh.
00:27:36You're a suck machine. Emphasis on the balls that you suck.
00:27:40Boobs.
00:27:41Balls.
00:27:42I'm coming back.
00:27:43Mm-hmm.
00:27:50I want a pawn this engagement ring, please.
00:27:55That's a big rock.
00:27:57How much do you want for it?
00:27:59It doesn't even matter.
00:28:01I can't stand looking at it anymore.
00:28:02I want to get rid of it.
00:28:03Well, this isn't a pawn shop, but I'll give you a dollar for it.
00:28:08What? That worthless jerk.
00:28:10No, no, no.
00:28:11It's fake, isn't it?
00:28:12Is it fake?
00:28:13He means one dollar for every tear he made you cry, and that still wouldn't be enough.
00:28:18That's sweet.
00:28:20I know your pain.
00:28:21You don't even have to tell me what happened, because I know.
00:28:24And somehow I feel sorry.
00:28:27You know, what kind of world do we live in where a beautiful creature like yourself gets her heart broken?
00:28:33Let me guess by what? Professional athlete? Am I right?
00:28:38Yeah, football.
00:28:39I knew it.
00:28:40It's amazing.
00:28:41Don't ask me how I know. I just know these things.
00:28:44You know, you must be psychic. Or, like, you must have some kind of connection.
00:28:50You feel it too?
00:28:55You know, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this.
00:29:00Don't cry.
00:29:01I know. I feel so betrayed.
00:29:03And you should.
00:29:04You know what? I would never do that to you. You know why?
00:29:06Because it's not because I don't have the options, you know, to lead to those problems.
00:29:10It's because I don't have the money that those options have.
00:29:14That is so sweet.
00:29:16I'm gonna take you out.
00:29:18And we're not gonna care about whatever that basketball player did to you.
00:29:22Football.
00:29:23Football, basketball, whatever that barely-passing-the-SAT chump did.
00:29:27We're not even gonna think about it. Okay? Because I don't play games.
00:29:29Unless it's Connect Four. And I would never play Connect Four with your heart.
00:29:34You know, maybe that is exactly what I need. A fat old poor man with a really good heart.
00:29:44Yeah, maybe.
00:29:45You know, this is turning out to be a real serendipitous day. I mean, wow. Like, my luck is changing. You know, I'm gonna change because you've inspired me.
00:29:59Can I inspire you for your name?
00:30:02My name is Sandy.
00:30:04Hello, Sandy. I'm Carvel. And that's James. I'm gonna take this ring from you, okay?
00:30:12Okay. You know, because love is more important than a ring anyway.
00:30:18It is. You have- Can I just trouble you for your phone number? I was gonna go out if I don't have your number, you know?
00:30:27You see, Sandy? That's my area, Cole. This is gonna have so much fun.
00:30:33You know what I'm gonna do? Give me a receipt. Hold on. Let me get this trigger right there.
00:30:42Receipt.
00:30:45You take this. Guess what that is. It's my heart.
00:30:50Oh, be gentle. Be gentle.
00:30:52That is- You know, you are the most adorable grown man I have ever, ever met.
00:31:01You're like a little boy in a big old body.
00:31:05I'm trapped. Get me out. I'm trapped. Get me out.
00:31:08Sandy, help me. Ah, help me. Get out. Get out. Get out.
00:31:12Okay.
00:31:13Bye, Sandy.
00:31:14Bye.
00:31:15Bye.
00:31:16Don't forget your pocket.
00:31:18Bye.
00:31:19Bye.
00:31:20Bye.
00:31:21Bye.
00:31:23Bye.
00:31:24Bye.
00:31:25Bye.
00:31:26I'll keep you at that. I can't get out.
00:31:27Nurture. Boom. That's how you do it.
00:31:28Damn. You close, you get in. Bow.
00:32:21Hey James, could you close up for me tonight?
00:32:25I gotta go to the mall before it closes.
00:32:27I'm gonna go to a dinner club with Jeff tonight, and if I run late, he calls the police station
00:32:32and reports me missing.
00:32:33Wow.
00:32:34Thanks.
00:32:35What are you gonna do tonight?
00:32:38I am having dinner with Kim and her father, who I never met before.
00:32:43Wow.
00:32:44Mm-mm.
00:32:45Not excited about it.
00:32:46Well, look on the bright side.
00:32:48I mean, if father of the bride approves, you know, you're in there, man, you're part
00:32:53of the fam.
00:32:54I don't wanna be part of any family.
00:32:57All right, well, good luck.
00:32:59Bad luck.
00:33:00Hey, loser!
00:33:04Still no on the card, Scoop.
00:33:09Trade!
00:33:10No.
00:33:11No trades.
00:33:12Come on, you bad catcher.
00:33:13I'll give you twice what the card's worth.
00:33:16Twice ain't enough, okay?
00:33:18Get out of here.
00:33:19You're making the biggest mistake of your life.
00:33:22Or week.
00:33:23Biggest mistake of your week.
00:33:25Okay.
00:33:26You really want that card.
00:33:28Are boobs made for sucking?
00:33:30Fine.
00:33:31Give me your soul.
00:33:32My what?
00:33:33Your soul.
00:33:34My soul.
00:33:35Yup.
00:33:36I don't understand.
00:33:37What do you need my soul for?
00:33:38Come here.
00:33:39I don't know why you would want my soul.
00:33:40I understand what's going on.
00:33:41Give me your soul, and I'll give you this card.
00:33:46All or half?
00:33:47Oh.
00:33:48Who the hell want a half soul?
00:33:51Okay.
00:33:52All right, deal.
00:33:53Wow.
00:33:54Really?
00:33:55That easy?
00:33:56Yeah.
00:33:57That card's worth a soul.
00:33:58And I'll give you this card.
00:33:59Yeah.
00:34:00I don't know why you would want my soul.
00:34:01I don't know why you would want my soul.
00:34:03I understand what's going on.
00:34:04Give me your soul, and I'll give you this card.
00:34:06All or half?
00:34:07Oh.
00:34:08Who the hell want a half soul?
00:34:09Okay.
00:34:10All right, deal.
00:34:11Wow.
00:34:12Really?
00:34:13That easy?
00:34:14Yeah.
00:34:15And besides, rappers do it all the time.
00:34:18Yeah, but rappers sell their soul for money and bitches.
00:34:22Not baseball cards.
00:34:24What are you saying?
00:34:25I'm saying go home right now, and I won't tell your mom you tried to sell your soul for
00:34:29a baseball card.
00:34:30But I just...
00:34:31You...
00:34:32I...
00:34:33I just...
00:34:34But...
00:34:35Go.
00:34:36What?
00:34:37What?
00:34:38Yeah.
00:34:39That's a...
00:34:40Yeah.
00:34:41I'm saying go home.
00:34:43Mr. James.
00:35:13Please don't call me that, I had a teacher named Mr. James, didn't like him very much.
00:35:20You can call me James.
00:35:22You got something against teachers.
00:35:24No, no, I like teachers.
00:35:27They're for the kids and I love kids.
00:35:31Not in a sexual way though, you know, like platonic love.
00:35:37Are you having sex with my daughter?
00:35:44You guys ready for some fosage?
00:35:46Mmmmm.
00:35:55So, Mr. Sweet, what were you doing in Barcelona?
00:35:59I saw this movie called Vicky and Cristina Barcelona.
00:36:03Oh yeah, I saw that movie.
00:36:04It's about a gentleman who has a threesome with two beautiful women.
00:36:08I thought I could get lucky.
00:36:10Uno, dos, tres.
00:36:13Tres.
00:36:14Correctamundo.
00:36:16Well, did you get lucky?
00:36:19No.
00:36:20Unless you consider a foursome lucky.
00:36:24You're kidding, right?
00:36:29He's kidding.
00:36:33So is that why they call you Mr. Sweet?
00:36:35I thought your last name was Johnson.
00:36:37It is.
00:36:38But let's just say long rather short.
00:36:41I killed a man with a candy cane.
00:36:44Why aren't you just killing with kindness?
00:36:51Less blood that way.
00:36:53You know, you being a vegetarian and all.
00:36:57I don't mind blood.
00:36:59Yeah, I don't mind blood either.
00:37:01The more blood the better, I say.
00:37:02You say that?
00:37:04I said it just now.
00:37:07Might say it again one day.
00:37:11You ever killed a woman, James?
00:37:14Cheers!
00:37:15Cheers!
00:37:43You look so vulnerable when you're asleep.
00:37:46Vulnerable is in what?
00:37:47Easy to kill?
00:37:48No.
00:37:49Easy to love.
00:37:50I feel like I have your heart right here in my hand.
00:37:52Like I just ripped it out of your chest and it's right here.
00:37:53Beating.
00:37:55Bump bump.
00:37:56Bump bump.
00:37:57Bump bump.
00:37:59Bump bump.
00:38:00Like I have your heart right here in my hand.
00:38:03Like I just ripped it out of your chest
00:38:05and it's right here, just beating.
00:38:08Bump, bump.
00:38:10Bump, bump.
00:38:11Bump, bump.
00:38:13It's not love, it's the temple of doom.
00:38:16Okay, so it's our love temple.
00:38:20And we'd be doomed without each other.
00:38:22Not worth a full dozen?
00:38:23Eight, nine, ten.
00:38:26Can...
00:38:28Rapist!
00:38:29I think I should tell you something
00:38:30before this goes any further.
00:38:32What is it?
00:38:34Uh...
00:38:37I don't love you.
00:38:40Just kind of like you a little bit.
00:38:42That's okay.
00:38:43That's okay.
00:38:44You don't have to be afraid of it.
00:38:46But I'm not afraid of it.
00:38:49I'm afraid of you
00:38:53and the crazy way you're talking right now.
00:38:56I'm just crazy in love, James.
00:38:59We're going to be together forever.
00:39:03Uh, we don't want to be together, though.
00:39:06I do.
00:39:07I don't.
00:39:08I do.
00:39:12Hurry, it's getting cold.
00:39:14What?
00:39:28Is it too hot?
00:39:35What? Is it too hot?
00:39:43Is it too cold?
00:39:47No.
00:39:51Is it just so good you can't keep it in your mouth?
00:39:55No. Just...
00:39:57Just what?
00:39:59Honestly. You really want to know?
00:40:01Honestly.
00:40:03It tastes like shit.
00:40:05Like actual shit.
00:40:07Like you put a spoonful of shit in my oatmeal and mixed it around.
00:40:12You don't have to be afraid.
00:40:15Afraid that you might have put shit in my oatmeal.
00:40:20But you wouldn't do that. No.
00:40:22You wouldn't put animal or human feces in my oatmeal, would you?
00:40:29That's right James. Shit.
00:40:35Why would you do that?
00:40:38That's what our relationship is going to taste like if we don't commit to making it the best it can be right now.
00:40:42Seriously Kim, what did you put in there?
00:40:44I'm just going to have to be more proactive with my efforts.
00:40:47So are you saying that I just had shit in my mouth? Really? Wow. Shit.
00:40:51You know what?
00:40:53I'm glad we had this talk.
00:41:01Break up?
00:41:02Break up?
00:41:03I mean, if that's what you want.
00:41:05You can totally do that.
00:41:07You know, we'll obviously still be roommates though.
00:41:10We'll still live together.
00:41:11Of course.
00:41:13Wow.
00:41:14I knew you would be good about this.
00:41:16I knew you would be great about this.
00:41:18You know what?
00:41:19What?
00:41:20I think I'm done feeling you out.
00:41:23What does that mean?
00:41:24Let's see right there.
00:41:26Okay.
00:41:27Okay, so there's 88 keys.
00:41:29There's a rapper named 88 keys.
00:41:30Alright, but this is a piano.
00:41:32Okay.
00:41:33There's at the middle of it.
00:41:34Cool.
00:41:35Okay.
00:41:36So you can put your hand here.
00:41:38And there's an octave.
00:41:40So an octave is 8.
00:41:42Okay.
00:41:43So C to C.
00:41:45This one.
00:41:47Hey.
00:41:48Hey.
00:41:49Hey.
00:41:52Okay, so it goes.
00:41:53C.
00:41:54C.
00:41:55C.
00:41:56C.
00:41:57C.
00:41:58C.
00:41:59C.
00:42:00C.
00:42:01C.
00:42:02C.
00:42:03C.
00:42:04C.
00:42:05C.
00:42:06C.
00:42:07努力 quick.
00:42:08What'd he get, finally?
00:42:09Oh, shit.
00:42:10Gross.
00:42:11C.
00:42:12C.
00:42:13C.
00:42:14T.
00:42:15C.
00:42:16C.
00:42:17C.
00:42:18C.
00:42:19C.
00:42:20C.
00:42:21C.
00:42:22C.
00:42:23C.
00:42:24C.
00:42:25C.
00:42:26C.
00:42:27C.
00:42:29C.
00:42:31C.
00:42:32C.
00:42:33C.
00:42:34C.
00:42:35C.
00:42:36C.
00:42:37Oh, by the way, we have to be at Shawna's at 8, so I'll pick you up at 7.30, okay?
00:42:44But...
00:42:48Hey.
00:42:50Hey.
00:42:52Wait, Kim.
00:42:55Kim.
00:42:56Kim.
00:42:57What?
00:42:58What's going on?
00:42:59I thought we were still going to talk about breaking up.
00:43:01No.
00:43:02What do you mean, no?
00:43:03No, I don't want to break up.
00:43:05Why not?
00:43:06Because I just gave you my born-again virginity.
00:43:09Born-again virginity?
00:43:10Yes.
00:43:11What is that?
00:43:11After every relationship, I get born again.
00:43:14What is that?
00:43:15Like one man in your hard drive?
00:43:17Yeah, I guess so.
00:43:19Well, I still think we should break up.
00:43:24Honestly?
00:43:27Yeah.
00:43:29What?
00:43:30Oh, my God.
00:43:31Oh, my God!
00:43:35What?
00:43:35That's not what I just gave you?
00:43:40Oh, my God!
00:43:42Shh, shh, shh.
00:43:43No!
00:43:45Kim.
00:43:45No!
00:43:46Stop, stop, stop.
00:43:47Come on, shh.
00:43:48No!
00:43:49No!
00:43:49No!
00:43:49No!
00:43:50No!
00:43:50No!
00:43:51No!
00:43:51No!
00:43:52No!
00:43:52No!
00:43:53No!
00:43:53No!
00:43:54No!
00:43:54No!
00:43:55No!
00:43:56No!
00:43:56No!
00:43:57No!
00:43:58No!
00:43:59No!
00:44:00No!
00:44:01No!
00:44:02No!
00:44:03No!
00:44:04No!
00:44:04No!
00:44:05No!
00:44:05No!
00:44:06No!
00:44:06I never told you what happened to all of my ex-boyfriends.
00:44:09I never told you what happened to all of my ex-boyfriends.
00:44:13They lived happily ever after?
00:44:16They all disappeared.
00:44:19Maybe they're just hiding from you.
00:44:21Maybe someone killed them and then chopped their bodies into tiny little pieces.
00:44:31What's that crazy look in your eyes?
00:44:33It's love, James. It's the same love that made my mother die from loneliness.
00:44:3880 proof loneliness.
00:44:41But alcohol...
00:44:45Alcohol isn't the answer, James.
00:44:47What's the, uh, what's the answer?
00:44:54Straight up street violence.
00:44:59I was joking.
00:45:00I can't, I can't hear you.
00:45:01I was joking.
00:45:03You're joking?
00:45:05You're joking?
00:45:07Oh my god.
00:45:09You just saved your life.
00:45:12You have no idea.
00:45:14From now on, I'm not gonna take anything you say seriously.
00:45:18You're always joking. You're always joking, joking, joking.
00:45:24That's all.
00:45:25Okay.
00:45:26Well, okay, well, I'll bring you a different shirt later.
00:45:28I'll pick you up at 7.30, okay?
00:45:30Okay.
00:45:31I love you.
00:45:32I miss you.
00:45:33I miss you.
00:45:44This is all your fault. You know that?
00:45:46Straight up street violence.
00:45:48If you had ovaries, I'd be afraid for your future children.
00:45:51If you had any heart, you would have came and smacked her around a little bit.
00:45:55Now, look, what I need is to get out of this relationship without the occurrence of any physical confrontation.
00:46:03That's all I need.
00:46:04Dude, you need an exit strategy.
00:46:06Because unless Osama Bin Laden is hiding in that girl's vajayjay, you gotta get away.
00:46:11Am I right?
00:46:12You're right.
00:46:13I need to bring the troops home.
00:46:14Bring them home.
00:46:15And by troops, I mean my manhood.
00:46:17Exactly.
00:46:18Hold on, wait.
00:46:19Do you guys hear that?
00:46:20What?
00:46:21That's the sound of brain cells dying because that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.
00:46:25Whatever.
00:46:26You guys are being dumbasses.
00:46:27Whatever.
00:46:28You listen to her, you listen to me.
00:46:30It's your choice.
00:46:31Okay.
00:46:32What?
00:46:33Nothing.
00:46:34I just imagined you saying that you were thinking about what our kids would look like.
00:46:50You imagined me saying that?
00:46:52Mm-hmm.
00:46:53And our wedding too.
00:46:54You said you wanted all of our families to be there.
00:46:56All of our friends will accept Carville.
00:46:59And then you said we'd go to Paris and make love under the Eiffel Tower.
00:47:02And then go to Barcelona and embrace under every landmark for 15 minutes.
00:47:07And then you whispered in my ear, I want to have you inside of me.
00:47:12And I was like, what?
00:47:14That's impossible.
00:47:16And you were like, I know that's impossible.
00:47:18But I still want it.
00:47:20I just love your soul.
00:47:23Aw.
00:47:24You can be so romantic sometimes.
00:47:27You know, imagining me saying something doesn't really count as me saying it, right?
00:47:34Oh.
00:47:35I did good on one.
00:47:36Oh, you know what?
00:47:37James.
00:47:38James can help you.
00:47:39James.
00:47:40Oh.
00:47:41Come on, help Shawna get the china globes up here.
00:47:43Okay?
00:47:44Yeah, he'll help you.
00:47:45He's taller than I can do that.
00:47:46Perfect.
00:47:47Good, good, good.
00:47:48And then what about our candles?
00:47:49The candles, you know what?
00:47:50I was thinking about doing...
00:47:51I don't know.
00:47:52What do you think?
00:47:53I think so.
00:47:54I think, okay, that's what I did for the pool.
00:47:55You might have to run out and get those.
00:47:56But you also might want to get some tea candles, like the really small ones.
00:47:58Oh, that's romantic.
00:47:59To set the table, you know what I mean?
00:48:00Very romantic.
00:48:01It's a little bit nice with the sun going down and everything.
00:48:02Maybe we can get James to help kind of clean some of this stuff out of the pool.
00:48:05Yeah, he can do that.
00:48:06I haven't gotten around to it.
00:48:07He can take care of that.
00:48:08That's what he's here for.
00:48:09Good, good.
00:48:10The more, the merrier.
00:48:11Yeah, so these need to go up here.
00:48:13If we're out with that, it'll be good.
00:48:14I'm so excited to get those up.
00:48:16I know.
00:48:17Whatever.
00:48:18Yeah, if you could just, you know, kind of...
00:48:20You're tall.
00:48:21I'll just...
00:48:22There's only two.
00:48:23Awesome.
00:48:24There's time for a toast.
00:48:26One, two, three.
00:48:27Come on, get it up.
00:48:28Come on.
00:48:29Get there.
00:48:30Mm.
00:48:31Uh-oh.
00:48:32Little tipsy.
00:48:34You guys are my heroes.
00:48:35I want to come here every week because I love each and every one of your faces.
00:48:38As you should.
00:48:39And that's not the rum talking.
00:48:40As you should.
00:48:41That's this guy talking.
00:48:42That's right.
00:48:43Oh, yeah.
00:48:44I didn't think I liked you at first, but...
00:48:47Well, it was the best thing.
00:48:48It was the best thing.
00:48:49No, but you have grown on me, my friend.
00:48:52Do you guys like the shirt that I bought to you?
00:48:55I knew you picked that out.
00:48:57You have such great shape.
00:48:58I know.
00:49:00That's awesome.
00:49:01We're wearing purple.
00:49:02Yes, we are.
00:49:03We picked out our outfits, too.
00:49:04I knew that.
00:49:05Doesn't James look great in pink?
00:49:07We're wearing pink together.
00:49:10Oh, nice.
00:49:11The tequila melts it so fast.
00:49:15Or is it vodka or rum?
00:49:18I can't remember what you heard.
00:49:19We've had it all.
00:49:20We don't remember.
00:49:21It's good.
00:49:22He's getting the job done.
00:49:23Yeah.
00:49:24He might need to be cut off, actually.
00:49:25All right.
00:49:26Oh, come on.
00:49:27This is a little special punch.
00:49:30No, no, no, no.
00:49:31You work hard.
00:49:32No, you do not.
00:49:34When you work hard all week, you deserve it.
00:49:40I agree.
00:49:41I will sleep here.
00:49:42I will sleep on a raft in the pool.
00:49:43No.
00:49:44No, we will not.
00:49:45I want to go home tonight.
00:49:46I will sleep in the pool.
00:49:47Damn, you're going to give me a pool.
00:49:48Don't worry about it.
00:49:49PlayStation.
00:49:50Me and you.
00:49:51PlayStation next week on here.
00:49:52PlayStation.
00:49:53Game night?
00:49:54PlayStation.
00:49:55Let's do it.
00:49:56Come on, James.
00:49:57PlayStation.
00:49:58We don't know.
00:49:59James, you need another drink there, man?
00:50:00You look good, I'm pink.
00:50:01Doesn't he?
00:50:02That's what I tell him all the time.
00:50:03He needs to wear more pink.
00:50:05So we can match together.
00:50:07Hey.
00:50:08Hey.
00:50:09What a cutie.
00:50:10What a cutie.
00:50:11Horrible.
00:50:12Why are you talking?
00:50:13Why are you talking?
00:50:14All right, Ronnie's having a good time.
00:50:16Just look at me.
00:50:17All right, you're talking.
00:50:18Now you're talking.
00:50:19Oh.
00:50:20All right, man, we need to break.
00:50:21All right, all right, all cheers to that.
00:50:23Yeah.
00:50:24Hey.
00:50:25All right, all right, all right.
00:50:26Yeah.
00:50:27Hey.
00:50:28Hey.
00:50:29Hey.
00:50:30Okay.
00:50:31I'm out.
00:50:32Where's he going?
00:50:33Is he joking?
00:50:34Is he upset?
00:50:35I think it might have been a tequila.
00:50:36He left his shoes.
00:50:37Uh.
00:50:38That was.
00:50:39That was.
00:50:40I mean.
00:50:41Again, when I stormed out of the party back there, I wasn't storming out of our relationship.
00:51:09You know, just the party.
00:51:14We're still cool, right?
00:51:19I mean, you're worried about everybody that you're tweeting and BBM and they're not even
00:51:29your friends in real life.
00:51:30Like, duh.
00:51:31Come on.
00:51:32You're so cute right now.
00:51:34You're jealous.
00:51:35Right.
00:51:36Right.
00:51:37I have so many followers.
00:51:44I don't get it.
00:51:52Like, follow you where?
00:51:53What is that?
00:51:54You're a Quaker.
00:51:55Right.
00:51:56I'm a Quaker.
00:51:57You're a techno whore.
00:51:58Stuff shop.
00:51:59This is Leona.
00:52:00Now that is the posture of a guy with no whipped cream in his chocolate pudding.
00:52:05What are you doing?
00:52:06Back door was open.
00:52:07Get out.
00:52:08You're not getting that car, Scoop.
00:52:10Whoa, whoa, hey.
00:52:11Get out.
00:52:12Let's just concentrate on one thing at a time here.
00:52:13I heard about your, uh, situation.
00:52:16What situation?
00:52:17That girl you're living with so you're not homeless.
00:52:20Uh, I was eavesdropping on your friends the other day.
00:52:23Get out.
00:52:24Hey, I can help you out.
00:52:25I can get her to break up with you.
00:52:27Get out.
00:52:28Come on, dude.
00:52:29I don't have any after school activities.
00:52:36Well, she wouldn't break up on me anyway.
00:52:38Why would she do that?
00:52:39Girls do it all the time.
00:52:41They break up with a guy that they thought was the one
00:52:45just as soon as they find out that he's not the one.
00:52:49So all we gotta do is convince her that you're not the one.
00:53:02Honey, I'm home.
00:53:05You're late.
00:53:10What happened to you?
00:53:11I went to a strip club after work and sucked some boobs and got a lap dance.
00:53:19Couple lap dances.
00:53:25Oops.
00:53:27Wow.
00:53:28Busted.
00:53:29What is that?
00:53:30Looks like I've been having safe sex.
00:53:33A lot of it, too.
00:53:34Don't be fooled by just the one condom.
00:53:36I used a lot of them.
00:53:38Some I used twice.
00:53:39I doubled up.
00:53:40You don't believe me?
00:53:42You're such a bad liar.
00:53:48That's good, though.
00:53:51That's a good quality to have in a spouse.
00:53:54I'm not lying.
00:53:55I had sex with a stripper in the strip club.
00:54:01What was the stripper's name?
00:54:03Strawberry?
00:54:04Banana?
00:54:05Yogurt?
00:54:06What?
00:54:07Strawberry?
00:54:08Banana?
00:54:09Yogurt?
00:54:11Was her best friend there?
00:54:12Rainbow sherbet?
00:54:15Or was it mint chocolate chip?
00:54:17Man, what?
00:54:18I love strawberry banana yogurt.
00:54:19That's all I could think of.
00:54:20Your favorite dessert is all you could think of?
00:54:21Oh, at least you didn't say, like, rainbow sherbet.
00:54:22Or mint chocolate chip.
00:54:23You should have said, like, cinnamon or, like, peaches and cream.
00:54:39Ooh, peaches and cream.
00:54:40That sounds more like a dynamic duo of strippers, though.
00:54:43Like, Batman and Robin.
00:54:45Peaches and cream.
00:54:46Dude, crime-fighting strippers?
00:54:48Oh, my God.
00:54:49That could be like a TV show.
00:54:50Like, peaches and cream.
00:54:51Coming up next on HBO.
00:54:53That'd be a hot TV show.
00:54:54Yeah.
00:54:55I would love it.
00:54:56Oh.
00:54:57Oh, my God.
00:54:58Your boyfriend.
00:54:59You.
00:55:00Office.
00:55:01Now.
00:55:02That little stunt you had me pull?
00:55:03Didn't work.
00:55:04She didn't believe me.
00:55:05Did you pull the empty condom wrapper trick?
00:55:07This is bad.
00:55:08It's interesting.
00:55:10It's not interesting.
00:55:11It's bad, okay?
00:55:13I'm getting my advice from a kid.
00:55:15A suck machine.
00:55:16Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:55:17Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:55:18The first thing I learned from watching Gossip Girls is that women are irrational.
00:55:22Big word.
00:55:23Can you spell it?
00:55:24And when dealing with irrational people, you have to be even more irrational.
00:55:30You gotta think outside the box.
00:55:32Think outside the box.
00:55:33Why don't you think outside the store?
00:55:37Well, if it's gonna be a problem, then I'll just have to take my services elsewhere.
00:55:43You should do that.
00:55:44I-R-R-A-T-I-O-N-A-L.
00:55:49Nice.
00:55:50You watch Gossip Girls?
00:55:51Yes, I do.
00:55:52And I can help you.
00:55:53You just gotta trust me.
00:55:54But first, I'm gonna need that Kyle Ripken Jr. rookie card.
00:55:55No way.
00:55:56Mm-mm.
00:55:57I've got this.
00:55:58I've got this.
00:55:59I've got this.
00:56:00I've got this.
00:56:01I've got this.
00:56:14I've got this.
00:56:16I've got this.
00:56:32Do you think I have a car yet?
00:56:34Yeah.
00:56:36It's just a girl.
00:56:42Hi, Ash.
00:56:44Hey.
00:56:46Hey.
00:56:48Dad, you're just in time to get your nails done.
00:56:52Who's this?
00:56:54This is Yenny.
00:56:56Right?
00:56:58Apparently, I'm her new mother.
00:57:00Her old one was killed in a freak.
00:57:02It was a hyena and a wolverine attack.
00:57:04And a barracuda.
00:57:06And a barracuda.
00:57:08Wow, that is so heartbreaking.
00:57:10I don't get it. Is this some kind of joke or something?
00:57:12What? You mean you don't remember
00:57:14impregnating a girl when you were 12 years old?
00:57:16Yeah.
00:57:18Oh.
00:57:20Yes.
00:57:22Wow.
00:57:24I was 13.
00:57:26Why don't you come join us on the couch?
00:57:28All right.
00:57:30Sit all down.
00:57:32You must be tired from working all day.
00:57:34Yes. Long day.
00:57:36You can get a little closer.
00:57:38We won't bite you.
00:57:40Okay.
00:57:42She looks just like me.
00:57:44She's got resemblance.
00:57:46Wow.
00:57:48So...
00:57:50Yenny is your name?
00:57:54Dad.
00:57:55You know my name.
00:57:56Stop it.
00:57:57Don't go ahead.
00:57:58Yeah.
00:57:59Well...
00:58:00You're gonna have to...
00:58:01You're gonna have to move in with us.
00:58:03Yeah.
00:58:04Right?
00:58:05Okay.
00:58:06Yep. And since I won't be around, you're gonna be her new mommy. How about that?
00:58:09Kim?
00:58:10Of course.
00:58:11What?
00:58:12What?
00:58:13James, I've always wanted to have your children.
00:58:15I mean...
00:58:16I didn't know it was gonna be so soon.
00:58:19That hurt.
00:58:20But um...
00:58:21Of course I'll help you raise your daughter.
00:58:26Okay.
00:58:29What?
00:58:30Um...
00:58:31Okay.
00:58:32Um...
00:58:33This is awkward.
00:58:34I can't like really be your daughter because I kind of have a mother already.
00:58:39Yeah.
00:58:40Um...
00:58:41And if I don't get home before curfew, she's gonna be pissed.
00:58:48I tried.
00:58:49Okay?
00:58:50I'm sorry.
00:58:51Really?
00:58:52A barracuda?
00:58:53Scoop said you would pay me.
00:58:54Do you even know what a barracuda is?
00:58:55That's not the point.
00:58:56Okay?
00:58:57They attack all the time.
00:58:58How much?
00:58:59You know.
00:59:00Oh my God.
00:59:01Because that's the price of my Justin Bieber tickets.
00:59:03They're a little scam artist.
00:59:04I'm sure.
00:59:05Whose mom gets eaten by a barracuda?
00:59:06Really?
00:59:07It could happen.
00:59:08It could totally happen.
00:59:09Ugh.
00:59:10This better be exact, too.
00:59:13You're doing your dirty work.
00:59:14Come on.
00:59:15That's all I got.
00:59:16Here, take this.
00:59:17Take it.
00:59:18Get out of here.
00:59:19Dude, I don't do pictures.
00:59:20I don't do pictures.
00:59:21I don't do pictures.
00:59:22I don't do pictures.
00:59:23I don't do pictures.
00:59:24I don't do pictures.
00:59:25I don't do pictures.
00:59:26I don't do pictures.
00:59:27I don't do pictures.
00:59:28I don't do piggy banks.
00:59:29Keep it.
00:59:30Thanks for the snack.
00:59:31Oh, you're welcome, sweetie.
00:59:32Well, I guess I'll just let myself out.
00:59:33Scoop.
00:59:34Uh.
00:59:35What was that?
00:59:36Crazy people.
00:59:37Don't let crazy people in the house, man.
00:59:39She could've ex-murdered both of us.
00:59:40Tails, we break up.
00:59:41Heads.
00:59:42We stay together.
00:59:43Heads.
00:59:44We're together forever.
00:59:45Heads.
00:59:46Heads.
00:59:47We're together forever.
00:59:48How about best two out of three?
00:59:49Nope.
00:59:50I said no.
00:59:51I said no.
00:59:53Okay, no.
01:00:02I messed up the best two out of three.
01:00:17I said no!
01:00:23It's heads.
01:00:26You are never getting that Calvary King Jr. Rookie card. Never.
01:00:29Dude, chill out.
01:00:30No, I will not chill out, okay? You douchebag.
01:00:33Okay, look, I heard about what happened last night. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sure that was gonna work.
01:00:39Yeah, and you owe me 50 bucks for that.
01:00:41Okay.
01:00:42You suck bitch.
01:00:43This is all just part of a trial and error.
01:00:45Now we know what doesn't work, and now we can figure out what does.
01:00:48No, no, no. Your schemes, I'm done with them. They don't work, okay? I'm giving up.
01:00:57I'm hurt that you would say that.
01:01:00You're really giving up?
01:01:04Guys like us don't give up.
01:01:06I mean, where would Middle Earth have been if Frodo and his friends just gave up?
01:01:10What sort of country would we live in if Jack Bauer didn't defend countless terrorist attacks on American soil?
01:01:16You can't give up, man.
01:01:18Because if you do, all those crazy women running around who should be in mental institutions, but they're just so frickin' hot that they're just not, they're just gonna have another win.
01:01:32We gotta teach these crazy hot chicks a lesson.
01:01:34Hey, man.
01:01:35You gotta hang in there, man.
01:01:37I don't know what to do.
01:01:40Dude, okay, I got a plan.
01:01:42It's a little risky, but I think it'll work.
01:01:50Crazy bitches.
01:01:51Crazy bitches.
01:01:54Crazy bitches.
01:01:58Come on.
01:02:02Crazy bitches.
01:02:03Yes!
01:02:07Reverse psychology.
01:02:09Reverse psychology.
01:02:10It has to be like the worst proposal of all time.
01:02:13Genius.
01:02:14All time.
01:02:15Don't listen to them.
01:02:16Why not?
01:02:17Because what if she says yes?
01:02:19She's not gonna say yes because it's gonna be a crap proposal.
01:02:23No.
01:02:24That's crazy.
01:02:25Look, why don't you just talk with her?
01:02:27Be honest.
01:02:28Tell her how you feel.
01:02:30That would be gay.
01:02:32Really gay.
01:02:34Yeah, you're right.
01:02:35What are you trying to make us gay with all your gay talk?
01:02:37You guys are being idiots.
01:02:39Stuff shop, this is Leona.
01:02:50Can you untie this?
01:02:55Why?
01:02:57Because I want you to take me.
01:03:01Take you where?
01:03:06No, take my body.
01:03:11Can I, can I just take you to the movies instead?
01:03:14No.
01:03:15What are you doing?
01:03:16I want to take your body.
01:03:17I want to take you just a little bit.
01:03:19No, it's my turn of a month.
01:03:20I can't do that.
01:03:21Come on, you.
01:03:22Make me feel like a woman.
01:03:23I think we should break up.
01:03:24I think you should break up with me.
01:03:25Why would I want to do that?
01:03:26You're the best boyfriend ever.
01:03:27No thanks, but I don't want to be that few.
01:03:28You piggy, those are little carpet.
01:03:30Come on, we're not compatible.
01:03:32What did you do?
01:03:33You're the best boyfriend ever.
01:03:34No thanks, but I don't want to be that few.
01:03:35No thanks, but I don't want to be that few.
01:03:37Oh, piggy, those are little carpet.
01:03:40Come on, Kim, we're not compatible.
01:03:43Good and evil aren't supposed to mate.
01:03:46Enter me, right now.
01:03:48No, Kim, no.
01:03:49Why not?
01:03:51Because.
01:03:52Because what?
01:03:53Because, Kim.
01:03:56Because we have to get married.
01:04:00Right?
01:04:02Did you say married?
01:04:03Yeah, I did.
01:04:15Hi.
01:04:16Is Leona here?
01:04:17Leona?
01:04:21Are you Mr. Rogers?
01:04:23Yes.
01:04:25It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
01:04:28Sure.
01:04:29In the neighborhood?
01:04:31I guess.
01:04:32Can I ask you a question?
01:04:35Yeah.
01:04:37How does it feel to be so old?
01:04:39Dating somebody so young?
01:04:41That huge age gap difference.
01:04:44It feels fine.
01:04:46Why?
01:04:47Age is just a number anyway.
01:04:51Okay.
01:04:52So have you found that being 60 and dating a 20-year-old is better than being married, having kids, being loved?
01:05:04I'm 45.
01:05:06Besides, I already did the whole family thing.
01:05:09It's my choice to date 20-year-olds.
01:05:11And that's a good thing.
01:05:12Yeah.
01:05:13I'm happy.
01:05:15Hey.
01:05:16Hey.
01:05:17Hey.
01:05:18All right, we'll see you tonight.
01:05:19Tonight.
01:05:20Your engagement party?
01:05:21Oh yeah, that.
01:05:22No.
01:05:23Probably won't go to that.
01:05:24I was thinking about jumping off a bridge after work.
01:05:26Cry me a river, George Bailey.
01:05:28See you later.
01:05:29Yep, I'll leave you in my will.
01:05:30Kim.
01:05:31Kim.
01:05:34Kim.
01:05:35Look, I always knew this was going to happen.
01:05:41I just...
01:05:43started with people somebody more attractive.
01:05:47You know what I look forward to?
01:05:51It's a big addition.
01:05:53Alex?
01:05:55Your house.
01:05:57I'm on fire, I've had no dial going.
01:05:58You know what I look forward to?
01:06:00You waiting on me hand and foot.
01:06:02I heard this like a log when you get married.
01:06:04That'll be fun.
01:06:06How do you feel about polygamy?
01:06:10We'll talk about it later.
01:06:12I'm gonna try really, really hard not to cheat on you.
01:06:16That much.
01:06:18Not that much.
01:06:20Minimal. Minimal.
01:06:22So here we go, Kim.
01:06:24You can make me the happiest man.
01:06:27Kinda happy. Not really.
01:06:29In the world right now.
01:06:31By...
01:06:33Accepting my...
01:06:35Blah blah blah.
01:06:37Marriage proposal.
01:06:39Will you marry me?
01:06:41Stuff like that.
01:06:43All that crap. Whatever.
01:06:47Yes.
01:06:49I'm... What?
01:06:51I'll marry you.
01:06:53No, no, that's not what you said.
01:06:55Hello.
01:06:56Hello, man.
01:06:57Speak to Kim.
01:06:58This is Kim.
01:06:59How you doing, Kim?
01:07:00This is Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood.
01:07:02This is who?
01:07:03This is Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood.
01:07:05We have a friend of yours down here.
01:07:07Oh, okay.
01:07:08Alrighty, yeah.
01:07:09Your friend James is here.
01:07:10James?
01:07:11James?
01:07:12Yes.
01:07:13James is...
01:07:14He's not my friend.
01:07:15James is my fiancée.
01:07:16Hi, Kim.
01:07:17Right.
01:07:18Oh.
01:07:19See, I didn't know this.
01:07:20James is your fiancée.
01:07:21I forgot to mention that.
01:07:22My bad.
01:07:23I didn't know that you guys were engaged and that this was your fiancée, but he came down
01:07:27to the neighborhood.
01:07:28We were on air talking about relationships, and he made sure he came in to tell us that
01:07:34he's no longer happy with the relationship.
01:07:36What?
01:07:37He doesn't want to marry you.
01:07:38What?
01:07:39Is this a joke?
01:07:40No, no, honey.
01:07:41This isn't a joke.
01:07:42He really had us call you to let you know that he's done.
01:07:46For real.
01:07:47I don't know who you guys are or who put you up to this.
01:07:50James is here.
01:07:51Kim.
01:07:52Kim.
01:07:53James is here.
01:07:54Say hello to her.
01:07:55Hello, Kim.
01:07:56Hi.
01:07:57Kermie.
01:07:58What?
01:07:59No?
01:08:00He doesn't want you to call him honey anymore.
01:08:01I think he doesn't want you to be upset.
01:08:02Right.
01:08:03So why would I get upset?
01:08:04Because I...
01:08:05He got evicted from his apartment and begged to stay with me, and so I let him, and I cooked
01:08:09for him and cleaned for him, and now he's calling me on the radio in front of everybody
01:08:14to say that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
01:08:16But you know what?
01:08:17He still wants you to cook.
01:08:18Why would I be upset?
01:08:19He still wants you to cook and clean, and he still want to stay on the couch.
01:08:21He just don't want to be engaged.
01:08:22He don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.
01:08:24Roommate, not mate.
01:08:25Yeah, roommate.
01:08:26Not mate.
01:08:27Exactly.
01:08:28Yeah, that's not going to work.
01:08:29Liz, are you there?
01:08:30Yeah, I'm here.
01:08:31You know, this is so typical.
01:08:32You know, you need a guy, and he pretends to be Prince Charming in the beginning.
01:08:37He's whining you.
01:08:38He's signing you.
01:08:39He's taking you out.
01:08:40Did you do that?
01:08:41Maybe a little bit.
01:08:42I mean, and then you find out in the end that it was all just, you know, it was pretend.
01:08:47He was taking it.
01:08:48Well, yeah.
01:08:49Who does that?
01:08:50Oh, James does that.
01:08:51And then now, you know.
01:08:52Well, you know what?
01:08:53Just in a nutshell, Kim, he doesn't want to be with you anymore.
01:08:57He wants it to be over.
01:08:59He still wants you to cook and clean for him.
01:09:01Yeah.
01:09:02If possible, he would like to have the linen changed on the sofa tonight, and he's done.
01:09:07She beats me.
01:09:08What?
01:09:09And he said he don't want you to be physical with him anymore.
01:09:11You know what the problem is?
01:09:12The problem is you.
01:09:13He's just afraid of intimacy.
01:09:14No.
01:09:15The problem is him.
01:09:16She's saying no.
01:09:17He's afraid of intimacy.
01:09:18You know, and I listen to your show all the time.
01:09:19I'm actually a really, really big fan.
01:09:21And just, if you don't mind me quoting you guys, it's just relationships are all about,
01:09:26you know, loving each other past your mistakes.
01:09:28And that's what, you know, I've tried to do.
01:09:30Like, I know I'm not perfect, and he's not perfect, but he's told me he's got intimacy
01:09:34issues, and I'm willing to love him past that.
01:09:36No, I don't have intimacy issues.
01:09:38All of that.
01:09:39Intimacy issues.
01:09:40Right.
01:09:41I mean, is it crazy to you that he's saying anything to kind of get out of this relationship?
01:09:46You know what I think is crazy is that he's just so afraid to be in love.
01:09:57You warned me.
01:09:58Why didn't I listen?
01:10:00Nobody listens.
01:10:01Everybody rushes.
01:10:06Where's old man River?
01:10:08Um, he dumped me.
01:10:10Yeah.
01:10:11He was like, um, you should find someone your own age.
01:10:15You should settle down, start a family, that kind of stuff.
01:10:19It was weird.
01:10:22Wow.
01:10:23What?
01:10:26All this time I didn't realize it was right in front of me until now.
01:10:29What are you talking about?
01:10:31Are you drunk?
01:10:33Oh, oh, God, James!
01:10:35Sorry.
01:10:36Oh, no.
01:10:37Oh, what the hell is wrong with you?
01:10:39I just kissed Leon.
01:10:40Oh, God.
01:10:41Dude, on the lips?
01:10:42Yeah.
01:10:43How many penises been on these bad boys, man?
01:10:44What?
01:10:45Shut up.
01:10:46Only two.
01:10:47Right.
01:10:48Stop.
01:10:49Right.
01:10:50Yeah, too many.
01:10:51Come on.
01:10:52What you thinking?
01:10:53Sorry.
01:10:54He tried the whole 80s movie, I'm really in love with my platonic girlfriend move.
01:10:55No.
01:10:56What is that?
01:10:57Uh.
01:10:58Yeah.
01:10:59Oh, God.
01:11:00I can't.
01:11:01Well, maybe you could run.
01:11:03She'll find me.
01:11:04Oh, too late.
01:11:05Here she comes.
01:11:08What are you doing out here?
01:11:09Everybody's inside.
01:11:11Hey, on the kiss me.
01:11:12Oh, God, oh, God.
01:11:13Kiss me.
01:11:14I'm gonna make it look real.
01:11:15Let me get in.
01:11:16Freaking freak!
01:11:17I look believable.
01:11:18Don't push me.
01:11:19Oh.
01:11:20I like it.
01:11:21Come on.
01:11:22Me too.
01:11:23I'm sorry.
01:11:24I'm sorry.
01:11:25I apologize.
01:11:26Kim, come here.
01:11:27You didn't say sorry to me.
01:11:28I didn't know you were into that, baby.
01:11:29You should have told me.
01:11:30No, I'm not.
01:11:31I'm not into that, Kim.
01:11:32Seriously, stop.
01:11:33I think that you deserve a guy that wants the same things you want.
01:11:34Marriage, kids.
01:11:35But you make me happy.
01:11:36Well, right now, I might, but in the long run, I won't.
01:11:39You don't know that.
01:11:40You're right, I don't.
01:11:42But we want different things in life.
01:11:43That's okay.
01:11:44Differences are good.
01:11:45It gives us stuff to talk about, right?
01:11:48On the surface, yeah, maybe.
01:11:49But as a couple, not wanting the same things is bad.
01:11:52It can lead to them.
01:11:54You know what I mean.
01:11:56It can lead to you and what you do?
01:11:57You're okay.
01:11:58I'm fine.
01:11:59You're fine.
01:12:00I'm fine.
01:12:01You're right.
01:12:02I'm fine.
01:12:03I'm fine.
01:12:04You're right.
01:12:05I don't.
01:12:06I don't.
01:12:07You're fine.
01:12:08it can lead to unhappiness so what do you want James I don't know I just I know
01:12:20that I don't want to be 60 and unhappy because that'll lead to unhappy breakfast
01:12:31and oatmeal shit in it can't we just work on it I don't want to work on it
01:12:39well that sounded bad maybe I should have just told you all this in the
01:12:46beginning yeah you should have sorry
01:13:01what does that mean it's over between us James over
01:13:09you are now you I'm gonna do this for you you are now anointed a single man James
01:13:17and probably homeless can I say something yes if I end up missing uh Kim is the one to
01:13:22arrest okay there it is so if you come up missing we'll make sure that Kim goes to
01:13:27you're really scared don't change the door locks love all right yeah he's coming
01:13:31home and make sure that you go ahead and put those pillows together up for a buddy
01:13:34sleep on that couch see you later roomie all right
01:13:37seeing with my daddy the baby ate dinner like a family it felt good you haven't
01:13:46sex with my daughter I haven't felt that way since my mom passed away
01:13:49I do that I do I do I do I do I do come on
01:14:14That's what we need for this tour day!
01:14:24Seriously, you're always joking! You're always joking, joking, joking, joking!
01:14:44You're right. My mother wasn't happy. And it's not because my father left her, it's because she didn't love herself.
01:15:12I can see how hard it was for my dad to live with that. And I don't want to be with someone who wasn't happy with himself.
01:15:22I know.
01:15:26What you said, telling me the truth no matter how much it hurt, it meant a lot. Thanks.
01:15:36I don't know, sometimes I just worry about ending up alone, so I guess it makes me a little aggressive.
01:15:44A little?
01:15:46Yeah, I'm sorry.
01:15:48I'm sorry too. Really sorry. Kind of sorry. I'm sorry.
01:15:58So, where are you going to go?
01:16:08I would say Barcelona, but I can't afford that.
01:16:16You can sell your TV?
01:16:18That's not funny.
01:16:20I guess you can sleep on my couch until you find a place.
01:16:28Really? After all that?
01:16:34Don't make me flip the coin.
01:16:36No, I'm just saying. Are you sure? Because I don't want to impose...
01:16:42What are you doing? No!
01:16:44I'm so tired of being broke. It's hard enough being alone to weather these storms.
01:16:58I'm so sorry I let you down. If only I knew the way to get ourselves out.
01:17:12Are you being good? Or are you kind? Are we one or are we one big to fight?
01:17:28But remember, please, we are lucky.
01:17:40I don't know why I get so sad. I guess it feels like God's gone mad. And there's no escape.
01:17:56I try and do just what I can. To help my fellow man. But it's not enough.
01:18:10I don't know why I get so sad.
01:18:12I don't know why I get so sad. And there's no escape.
01:18:14We are lucky.
01:18:16Are we one or are we one big goodbye?
01:18:23But remember, please, we are lucky
01:18:32La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la
01:18:44We're so lucky
01:18:46La-la, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la, we're so lucky
01:19:01Are you think good or are you kind?
01:19:09Are we one or are we one big goodbye?
01:19:14But remember, please, we are lucky.
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