- 2 days ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
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00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street,
00:01:11we don't.
00:01:12Everyone's got it.
00:01:14Not with me, they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:19Not this one.
00:01:20I'm a silent majority.
00:01:22It's only madness these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:27God is long!
00:01:30Jesus!
00:01:52We've never seen him in real life though.
00:01:59And he's picturing the papers.
00:02:01Oh, come on Sandra, let's go.
00:02:03No, I don't want to. I'll let him wait.
00:02:05Oh, that's standing out here. It's stupid.
00:02:07But he might come in a minute.
00:02:08Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:10But that was yesterday. He might be here today.
00:02:12Oh, that little birdie daft standing here.
00:02:14Come on, we're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16Oh, wait.
00:02:17But he might come.
00:02:18Please, let's go.
00:02:22Oh, no!
00:02:24I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:25I feel a right twit now.
00:02:28I don't fancy yours.
00:02:30Which is mine?
00:02:31Any except the blonde.
00:02:34Oh.
00:02:35Good.
00:02:37Who are being stared at?
00:02:38Where?
00:02:42I don't fancy yours.
00:02:45Which is mine?
00:02:46Any.
00:02:47Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:53Thanks.
00:02:54Neither do I.
00:02:56Fancy the one with the twitch?
00:03:00About as much as Mountsy-Tung's granddad, with all due respect.
00:03:04To his granddad.
00:03:07Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:08You.
00:03:10I thought we were giving sex up.
00:03:11There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:13Ignore them.
00:03:23Hi.
00:03:25Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:27Hi.
00:03:33Peace, ma'am.
00:03:35Were you hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:37He's in Majorca.
00:03:40Come on, then.
00:03:41May only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:44It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:53Come on.
00:03:55I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:58It's our lunch hour.
00:04:01It's ours.
00:04:03We were going for lunch.
00:04:08Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Majorca?
00:04:12It's one place I've never been.
00:04:15Pardon?
00:04:17I'm Geoffrey.
00:04:20I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:25Don't you worry.
00:04:26Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:27Don't you worry.
00:04:28Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:30Every single time.
00:04:31Don't you worry.
00:04:32Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:37Every single time.
00:04:39Love and rainy weather.
00:04:40Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.
00:04:54Every single time.
00:04:57Love and rainy weather
00:05:02First you're up there
00:05:05On another plane
00:05:07And then you're nowhere
00:05:10And the tears are raining down
00:05:15It's a run around
00:05:20Love and rainy weather
00:05:25Surely I can get you down
00:05:32Not going twisting tonight, then?
00:05:38That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:40What? Cutting a rug.
00:05:43Pardon?
00:05:45Grooving, Mildred. It's called grooving nowadays.
00:05:48Grooving and or freaking. Right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight. Right.
00:05:55Right on. You're staying in tonight, then?
00:05:58Tonight. Tomorrow night. Every night.
00:06:01They might sell me overcoat.
00:06:03Life's not all pleasure, you know.
00:06:06Mildred, don't hassle the lad.
00:06:09Hustle.
00:06:11It's a different world today, Mildred.
00:06:14We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost.
00:06:18They do their own thing.
00:06:20The usual 1,300 weight?
00:06:22Yes, please.
00:06:25Now, that's the new world that we work for.
00:06:27And fought for.
00:06:29Full-page advert for contraception.
00:06:31It's his birthright.
00:06:33I'm not hungry.
00:06:36What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:39It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.
00:06:42I enjoy staying in Chattingham an evening.
00:07:01I find it fantastically enjoyable.
00:07:04No, really.
00:07:05I really do.
00:07:07Some people don't.
00:07:10I do.
00:07:12Beryl, please take my word for it.
00:07:15Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures.
00:07:19Paul McCartney who?
00:07:20He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:07:23And please don't say Paul McCartney who.
00:07:26I sacrificed too much for your 6-0 levels.
00:07:31You were terrific in the pictures.
00:07:34I never touched you.
00:07:35Terrific self-control.
00:07:41What did you say your name was?
00:07:53Mind you, just a weekend I'd do with you, Paul.
00:08:06Not a dirty weekend.
00:08:08A disgusting one.
00:08:14Night-night, Percy Filth.
00:08:23Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:28It's not my fault.
00:08:30It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:36It's psychosomatic.
00:08:41I'm sorry.
00:08:46Ah.
00:08:53Oh, Sandra.
00:09:06There is almost blonde in this light.
00:09:12What's wrong?
00:09:14Just being brave.
00:09:16What about?
00:09:18Ending it all.
00:09:20Before we hurt each other too much.
00:09:24It's our first date.
00:09:28I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?
00:09:31Not yet.
00:09:33Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.
00:09:38Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?
00:09:41Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went.
00:09:45Overnight.
00:09:47That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.
00:09:49It's artistic, Mother.
00:09:50Like your Tutankhamen butter dish.
00:09:51What?
00:09:52Got it.
00:09:53Got what?
00:09:55You now ask if I never want to see you again. I say I do.
00:10:10You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,
00:10:13How about Sunday, half seven outside Central Library?
00:10:17No, I don't.
00:10:19Tomorrow, half seven outside Central Library.
00:10:22Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?
00:10:27It does not.
00:10:29I thought it did.
00:10:30Not till you've unfastened the press stud.
00:10:36I can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning.
00:10:39You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.
00:10:41I don't intend to marry her, Mother.
00:10:44In case it interferes with my career.
00:10:47We're just good friends.
00:10:48Goodnight.
00:10:49Miss Bardot.
00:11:06Marry me.
00:11:10You know what they say?
00:11:12Once you've had a Manchester lad, you never touch anything else.
00:11:14Marry me.
00:11:17Marry me.
00:11:18Marry me.
00:11:19Marry me.
00:11:20Marry me.
00:11:21Marry me.
00:11:22Marry me.
00:11:23Marry me.
00:11:24Marry me.
00:11:25Marry me.
00:11:26Marry me.
00:11:27Marry me.
00:11:28Marry me.
00:11:29Marry me.
00:11:30About time and all.
00:11:31Aye.
00:11:32Aye.
00:11:33Peace, man.
00:11:34Marry me.
00:11:35Marry me.
00:11:36Did you have a good time, Miss Knight?
00:11:38Great.
00:11:39Is it you?
00:11:40Satisfied.
00:11:41I say it in for a change.
00:11:42Did you get much?
00:11:47Did you?
00:11:52Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence?
00:11:54Not that I have done.
00:11:57Paid him for a change instead.
00:12:12Ticket.
00:12:13I ain't got me ticket.
00:12:14We're late already.
00:12:15See you behind the goal then.
00:12:28Marry!
00:12:29Marry!
00:12:30Marry!
00:12:31Marry!
00:12:32Marry!
00:12:33Marry!
00:12:34Marry!
00:12:35Marry!
00:12:36Marry!
00:12:37Marry!
00:12:38Well, tonight's beauty sleep has done nothing for her.
00:12:45Snooty old bag.
00:12:50Trendy.
00:12:51Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.
00:12:54Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.
00:12:57Still, who else would have him?
00:13:00Anyway, they're all the same in the dark, rumour has it.
00:13:11Different girl every night. It's all the type.
00:13:15Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:13:18Bet we lose 3-1.
00:13:21Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:13:24At least I've got me proud.
00:13:26Oh, hello.
00:13:28Oh, hi.
00:13:30Hi.
00:13:31Didn't see you.
00:13:32No, Normie.
00:13:34Are you going that way?
00:13:36Yeah. Not especially, no.
00:13:38Are you going that?
00:13:40Yeah, well...
00:13:42No. I was sort of...
00:13:44Going to the football match?
00:13:46Are you?
00:13:47Shopping.
00:13:54I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.
00:13:56I am.
00:13:57Which are you?
00:13:58Any?
00:13:59I am.
00:14:07See you then.
00:14:08Tonight?
00:14:09Pardon?
00:14:10Oh, I...
00:14:11All right then.
00:14:12Right.
00:14:13Super socks.
00:14:14Did you see that?
00:14:26They're all on drugs.
00:14:27A lot of them.
00:14:28They're all on drugs.
00:14:29They're all on drugs, they're all on drugs.
00:14:30They're all on drugs, I'm sorry.
00:14:31I'm sorry.
00:14:32They're all on drugs.
00:14:33You've got to be a good kid.
00:14:34Good kid, don't work.
00:14:35That's not bad.
00:14:36No, we're on drugs.
00:14:37No.
00:14:38Not bad.
00:14:39Here's the bad kid.
00:14:40Look at that!
00:14:41Sure.
00:14:42What a good kid.
00:14:43Go in.
00:14:44There's no well.
00:14:45The good kid.
00:14:46Are you out there.
00:14:47Are you in a battle?
00:14:48They're all around me.
00:14:49It's not bad.
00:14:50Good kid.
00:14:51Excuse me, I...
00:15:21I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:25Ah.
00:15:29Hi.
00:15:31Hello, mate.
00:15:33Peace man. Surprise, surprise.
00:15:35Surprise.
00:15:37Anywhere controversial? Pictures.
00:15:39The boyfriend. She's slim.
00:15:41I'm just going to the... Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:45Are you and Beryl, um, you know...
00:15:49Uh...
00:15:51Here.
00:15:53Oh.
00:16:03Would you, uh...
00:16:05What do you sort of reckon?
00:16:07She's a...
00:16:09Fair sort of bird.
00:16:11Sort of.
00:16:13You all right?
00:16:15I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:17Geoffrey, she's a bird.
00:16:21You having a coffee with us?
00:16:25No, thanks, kid. Neville's ravenous.
00:16:27You've just eaten.
00:16:29Oh, of course, yeah. Sorry.
00:16:33You see, what I thought Ken was always trying to do...
00:16:39By implication?
00:16:41Probably by implication.
00:16:43Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgment.
00:16:47You see?
00:16:49Yes.
00:16:51Was he the errand boy?
00:16:53Was who the errand boy?
00:16:54Ken Thingy.
00:16:55He directed it.
00:16:57Oh, yes.
00:16:59I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:17:02Probably.
00:17:08You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:10Well, probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:14It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:16And you talk to me the whole way, like a person.
00:17:22Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:25Sex?
00:17:26Marriage.
00:17:28Pardon?
00:17:29The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:32A couple of dates and, pal, they want to get married.
00:17:35I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:37I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:41Getting married?
00:17:42Hmm.
00:17:44No.
00:17:47Actually, I find girls, or most girls, that is, a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:55Not marriage.
00:17:57No.
00:17:58Sex.
00:18:00Percy Filth?
00:18:03Sex.
00:18:04That's what I said.
00:18:06Oh.
00:18:08Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:10Not Percy Filth Motivated?
00:18:12No.
00:18:14No.
00:18:16No.
00:18:27Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell?
00:18:30Yeah.
00:18:31No.
00:18:32This is it.
00:18:33I won't come in, with it being our first date.
00:18:47No.
00:18:48Oh.
00:18:49Anywhere me mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:18:50Is that a reason for me not coming in, though?
00:18:51Yes, Geoffrey.
00:18:52Oh.
00:18:53Oh.
00:18:54Oh.
00:18:55Oh.
00:18:56Oh.
00:18:57Nice house.
00:18:5925 year mortgage.
00:19:00Oh.
00:19:01Oh.
00:19:02Oh.
00:19:03Oh.
00:19:05Oh.
00:19:06Nice house.
00:19:0825 year mortgage.
00:19:09Oh, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:10It's funny, isn't it?
00:19:11First date with someone.
00:19:12It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:13Either nothing, or something, or everything.
00:19:15Well don't know what you, all of you don't do so.
00:19:16No.
00:19:17I know why her house.
00:19:18Well, you can have the whole house.
00:19:19I really can find them how you're leaving so you, I'm not.
00:19:20No, I'm not going to leave.
00:19:21Oh.
00:19:22Oh, boy.
00:19:23Oh.
00:19:24I know what you do.
00:19:25Well, I don't go to the house.
00:19:26Yeah, well, I'm going to leave your house.
00:19:27Well, thank you.
00:19:2925 year mortgage.
00:19:30Oh, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:31Funny, isn't it?
00:19:32It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:34Either nothing, or something, or something, or everything.
00:19:41Well, don't worry.
00:19:42Don't think about Percy Filth at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:46You're not.
00:19:48No, I'm not.
00:19:51Night-night. God bless.
00:20:04I won't give you my phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:20:08What is it?
00:20:10Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:12The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than seven,
00:20:16then two fours, and half of four, which is two, and half of two, which is one.
00:20:20But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.
00:20:22No. But you can if you do.
00:20:24Do you want me to?
00:20:26Not if you'd rather not.
00:20:28Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:30Night.
00:20:40Well, hello, Mrs. Battersby. Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:20:52Oh, they all have a past life flashed before me then.
00:20:54Can't be Mother's Day. You'd have forgotten.
00:20:58Has there been any clips?
00:21:00Mom, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:04What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:06You see, Geoffrey has this theory that by implication...
00:21:08Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:10Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.
00:21:12These things. Everything.
00:21:13Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:14He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:16He's totally intelligent.
00:21:17He's not intelligent.
00:21:18No.
00:21:19No.
00:21:20No.
00:21:21No.
00:21:22No.
00:21:23No.
00:21:24No.
00:21:25No.
00:21:26No.
00:21:27No.
00:21:28No.
00:21:29No.
00:21:30No.
00:21:31No.
00:21:32No.
00:21:33No.
00:21:34No.
00:21:35No.
00:21:36No.
00:21:37See, Jeffrey's idea...
00:21:39Beryl, who's Jeffrey?
00:21:42Oh, no-one.
00:21:48No-one's special.
00:21:53His name's Jeffrey.
00:21:59How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?
00:22:02What Beryl Bird? I told him.
00:22:05Did she, er...
00:22:07Did she, er...
00:22:09What?
00:22:12Wow!
00:22:15She doesn't, then.
00:22:17You don't listen, do you? I said...
00:22:19How about Sandra?
00:22:27Chips. Chums. Sod.
00:22:30Not seeing him tonight, then.
00:22:40Who?
00:22:45I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:47Said he was no-one special.
00:22:49Have they got a phone here?
00:22:51Why?
00:22:53They haven't, have they?
00:22:55Did you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:22:57If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:22:59Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:01Are you?
00:23:02No.
00:23:03We'll split after this game.
00:23:04Anything you say.
00:23:05We can go for a few of the King's Head.
00:23:06Great.
00:23:07And that ends our pro...
00:23:08Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:09Hallelujah.
00:23:10Pardon?
00:23:11I don't know what you're paying for that phone, but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:14Good night.
00:23:15Good night.
00:23:16Sure.
00:23:18Good night.
00:23:19Good night.
00:23:20What's wrong with you, ma'am?
00:23:22Are you sorry?
00:23:23Well, some of you have to go after this game.
00:23:24Anything you say.
00:23:25Can you go for a few of the King's Head.
00:23:26Great.
00:23:27And that ends our pro...
00:23:29Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:31Hallelujah.
00:23:32Pardon?
00:23:33I don't know what you're paying for that phone, but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:34Good night.
00:23:35Good morning.
00:24:01Good morning.
00:24:05Good morning.
00:24:10Charlton for Pope. Long may it reign. Amen.
00:24:15What's going on? Pounds up again.
00:24:18Oh, God.
00:24:20Today's special. Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:24:23Here. Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:26Except those.
00:24:28Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:35Why do we always do that?
00:24:4893 times a day.
00:24:50We never see anything.
00:25:36I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.
00:25:41One day, it was enough.
00:25:42Why?
00:25:44He's cancer and I'm Libra.
00:25:45It's that bad. Oh, plus...
00:25:49Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:26:01Five. Five, which is... Which is...
00:26:05Three and two is five, which is two less than seven.
00:26:09Which is... Oh.
00:26:12I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:17Bank clocks. Your lot.
00:26:20Football supporters. Hippies.
00:26:24Oh. My lot.
00:26:27At the third stroke, it will be 7.22 and 40 seconds.
00:26:36It will be 7.22 and 50 seconds.
00:26:39That's it, then. Fate.
00:26:43All over by 7.23 precisely.
00:26:47So what?
00:26:49Plenty more where she came from.
00:26:52PHONE RINGS
00:26:55Is that the speaking clock?
00:26:57Is that Geoffrey?
00:26:59Is that Beryl?
00:27:00Yes.
00:27:01Yes.
00:27:03Hi.
00:27:05Hi.
00:27:06It's terrifically exciting, isn't it? Getting to know a person.
00:27:28Fantastic.
00:27:29I want to know all about you.
00:27:31That's what it's all about.
00:27:33For example, there's things in common already.
00:27:34Definitely.
00:27:35About what?
00:27:37We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:39Right.
00:27:40And we're both from Manchester.
00:27:41Have you ever been abroad?
00:27:42No.
00:27:43Have you?
00:27:44No.
00:27:45Have you?
00:27:46No.
00:27:47No.
00:27:48Unless you count Istanbul.
00:27:49Istan...
00:27:50Was it beyond belief?
00:27:51I don't know.
00:27:52I was only three.
00:27:53No.
00:27:54No.
00:27:55No.
00:27:56No.
00:27:57No.
00:27:58No.
00:27:59No.
00:28:00No.
00:28:01No.
00:28:02No.
00:28:03No.
00:28:04No.
00:28:05No.
00:28:06No.
00:28:07No.
00:28:08No.
00:28:09No.
00:28:10No.
00:28:11No.
00:28:12No.
00:28:13Did you ever forget the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:23Sometimes.
00:28:24I do.
00:28:27What now?
00:28:29No.
00:28:30Just...
00:28:31Just sometimes.
00:28:35Yes I do.
00:28:37Such a lot, isn't there?
00:28:42In getting to know others.
00:28:44Mm.
00:28:49He was lithe and easy-limbed, his stride quietly casual,
00:28:54his eyes clear and confident,
00:28:57and his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed,
00:29:01assured, lopsided grin.
00:29:03You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin.
00:29:10Really? You know, lopsided.
00:29:15I don't think I have.
00:29:17It's in the eye of the beholder.
00:29:21See?
00:29:23Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot.
00:29:26He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:30It must be marvellous being a man.
00:29:34It's OK, I suppose.
00:29:35Men can do anything.
00:29:37Conquer Everest.
00:29:39Do heart transplants.
00:29:40Become leader of the opposition.
00:29:43Anything!
00:29:53Geoffrey, N-O spells no.
00:29:55It's good for your circulation, Beryl.
00:29:58Read any women's magazine.
00:30:00It's good for theirs, too.
00:30:02Not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:30:05I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:30:07All Saturdays.
00:30:10Beryl.
00:30:15Beryl.
00:30:15Oh, Geoffrey, Bobble's bumble.
00:30:18Oh, Beryl.
00:30:19Oh, Geoffrey.
00:30:21Oh, Beryl!
00:30:22Are you all right?
00:30:23What exactly happened?
00:30:24Don't tell me.
00:30:26I just heard a sharp achak of dramatic irony.
00:30:28Pardon?
00:30:34Come back.
00:30:35They're better.
00:30:36It's better.
00:30:37I'm OK.
00:30:37I told you, it's going to pour.
00:30:43It's not.
00:30:48Ugh.
00:30:51It's only the angels crying.
00:30:55I know how they feel.
00:30:58Well, don't blame me.
00:30:59I haven't done anything.
00:31:00That's true.
00:31:03That's not true, Beryl.
00:31:04I have apologised.
00:31:05I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.
00:31:09Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.
00:31:12It must be a bad line.
00:31:13I can't hear you.
00:31:14You'd better apologise again.
00:31:17I apologise again.
00:31:20Gosh, this lousy line.
00:31:23I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday.
00:31:28Pardon?
00:31:29Pardon?
00:31:31Is that who I think it is?
00:31:34No, dear.
00:31:35Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:51Sardine sandwich.
00:31:53The old sardine.
00:31:54Yeah.
00:31:56She's got her own trawler.
00:31:57Isn't it awful?
00:32:05What?
00:32:06I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:32:08What's happening in the world?
00:32:09I blame the politicians.
00:32:11What for?
00:32:12For what's happening in the world.
00:32:17Talk to her.
00:32:18I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:23Tasty.
00:32:26Very in oil.
00:32:27Nice in oil.
00:32:28She's got a bad leg.
00:32:31The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:34Why, after this little baker down the road, he does something with the bleach.
00:32:37I can't do long conversations about sardines so much as your mind goes blank.
00:32:54Start thinking about life after death.
00:32:56Oh, that Neville, honestly.
00:33:03Number of hearts he must have broken.
00:33:06Every girl in Manchester, nearly.
00:33:09Geoffrey definitely has.
00:33:10Probably even more.
00:33:14Air hostesses.
00:33:16All sorts.
00:33:18Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.
00:33:20I haven't had one yet.
00:33:22White man speak with forked tongue.
00:33:25Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:33Wow, is that the time?
00:33:34At this moment in time.
00:33:36What have I done?
00:33:37Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:40Right in the slightest.
00:33:42You're lucky.
00:33:43Why, it's Geoffrey.
00:33:45Wow.
00:33:47You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:49Of course not.
00:33:51Why should I be?
00:33:52Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey.
00:33:53Forget it.
00:33:56That's all in the past.
00:33:58Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:03Who needs drama?
00:34:06So I shouted back at her.
00:34:08No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:10In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:14He thumped you.
00:34:16Walloped you on.
00:34:18No.
00:34:18I said nearly.
00:34:23You never thumped me, will you?
00:34:25Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:27She adores it.
00:34:29Of course not.
00:34:31No.
00:34:34Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:37It isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:38He used to talk to me.
00:34:40All right.
00:34:41Let's talk.
00:34:41Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:49Why?
00:34:49Is your mum going out?
00:34:53May as well pack in, really.
00:34:57Why?
00:34:57Why not?
00:35:03Good thinking.
00:35:10Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:12You too.
00:35:13It was real.
00:35:14It's psychedelic.
00:35:15You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:17I was scratched anyway.
00:35:19It's been a gasp.
00:35:21Groovy.
00:35:23I won't wave from the window.
00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:28It's been a gasp.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:40You're well-bred, Beryl.
00:35:41There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:50Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:53You know you can't do it.
00:35:59You'll never thund me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:36:03Ow!
00:36:04Beryl, I just had the most super idea.
00:36:07Are we going to put it up?
00:36:08No.
00:36:09We're going to pack it in.
00:36:10Don't say that.
00:36:11Please don't say that.
00:36:12That.
00:36:15Sandra.
00:36:16Sandra.
00:36:18You're Sandra.
00:36:19Mine.
00:36:23Two months.
00:36:24Two months, nine days.
00:36:28Is she positive?
00:36:29The test was.
00:36:31What are you going to do?
00:36:33She'll think of something.
00:36:35Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:39Congratulations.
00:36:40I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:48How are you going to get it?
00:36:49Good.
00:37:50Aren't you, er...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:55And you're, er...
00:37:56That's right.
00:37:59Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting my parents.
00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddle on the roof.
00:38:04That's pretty incredible.
00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:08Er...
00:38:09Oh, hell no.
00:38:11That's tomorrow.
00:38:13If I'm in the mood.
00:38:16Where you are.
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:20All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:33Roland.
00:38:34Roland.
00:38:35Is that I found him intellectually unaware...
00:38:37And psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:39It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:43And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:46Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:49I packed her in.
00:38:54Oh, my.
00:38:58Did she turn you off?
00:39:01Beryl?
00:39:02Yeah.
00:39:03I haven't really looked.
00:39:09You've seen one.
00:39:10You've seen them all.
00:39:13Not quite all.
00:39:15I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:16It must be my birthday.
00:39:28Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:32I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Filth.
00:39:40Yes, they are.
00:39:42Mmm.
00:39:44Oh, you were terrific on the bus.
00:39:46Was it?
00:39:48Mmm.
00:39:50Terrific self-control.
00:39:53Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:57Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:02I happen to be interested in having early nights
00:40:04and writing poetry in bed with me Moe Felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink.
00:40:07I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:10My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm.
00:40:14Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please.
00:40:16You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:28What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:40I don't believe that question.
00:40:42You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:45I was 11 years old.
00:40:47He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:40:49He used to be crazy about the freckles.
00:40:50I had to do this.
00:41:07what's your name again what's yours rock that's not your real name no Stephen
00:41:27God that turns me on
00:41:37when I first met you in the street I thought just a quiet drink and a chat shows you the art of
00:41:44conversation ain't dead don't move a muscle however gorgeous
00:42:07testing testing oh Jeffrey Milleharp returns to the day I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself
00:42:37I'm fed up who are you who are you what are you fed up about teachers don't have to do homework
00:42:53no they just mark it anyone can mark it they've got the answers
00:43:00do you know it's after two o'clock what's he doing here then
00:43:09well this is your uncle Stephen this is my revolting brother Jeremy
00:43:19how do you do don't me mum and dad know he's here Jeremy bed I could always wake him up and tell him
00:43:28Jeremy little boys need sleep even big astronauts do you know where babies come from
00:43:39do you say no no I don't say yes shall I tell you he knows the man has this male organ and some blood
00:43:51cells and erectile glands and there's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has
00:43:57as well and they go through his male organ into the female uterus at the lady house who told you
00:44:04that then they go to the fallopian tubes after that one of them fertilizes with the female egg the
00:44:10others don't bother anyway that's what you have to do then you have a baby did they teach you that at
00:44:18school they do woodwork in the next class people can only make babies at certain times of the year
00:44:24but animals like dogs and cats and giraffes I think do it all the time
00:44:30no that's people what is well people do it all the time whenever they feel like it
00:44:45in the next class you can do metal work if you don't like woodwork good night Jeremy 25p 50 50 50
00:45:02do you care for a government health warning
00:45:29Would you care for a government health warning?
00:45:34Hey, Veronica!
00:45:36Yes?
00:45:37Who the hell's Uncle Stephen at ten past two in the morning?
00:45:39A friend of Jeremy's. He's going now.
00:45:44Good night, love.
00:45:48We would have done that, wouldn't we?
00:45:49And how?
00:45:54You can't win them all, can you?
00:45:56Anyway, do you good going without for a change.
00:46:05Still, there's always another day.
00:46:07Tomorrow?
00:46:08No.
00:46:10Tomorrow's another day.
00:46:11Shh. Not unless you happen to be in Plymouth.
00:46:15Where?
00:46:16I'm joining the Wrens for three years.
00:46:21What Wrens?
00:46:22The Royal Navy's Wrens.
00:46:24This time tomorrow I'll be in barracks with about 50 other girls and 30,000 sailors.
00:46:30I hope I like it.
00:46:32I hope I like it.
00:46:36Well, thanks for nearly everything.
00:46:41We definitely would have done, wouldn't we?
00:46:42Well, obviously.
00:46:44Well, we're as good as dead, in a way, really.
00:46:47Almost.
00:46:48Just keep telling yourself and we will have only better.
00:46:52Good night, love.
00:46:54To our barrel.
00:46:55Good night.
00:47:16Morning, previous generation.
00:47:19what's for breakfast
00:47:27you knew it was your mother's birthday now what we'd like to know is where were you while we
00:47:36were fiddling on the flaming roof I'm sorry mum I'll take you out another night something cropped
00:47:41up like what dad you understand I don't Jeffrey we always say you do Jeffrey you're at it every
00:47:53night yes dad and we don't complain no dad but last night was different I knew you'd understand
00:48:11I'll talk about on me around what's going on pounds down again open down like a pair of knickers you
00:48:39should know or me not me what a night a lot including action replays in slow motion hey lads I picked up a
00:48:58bit of spare last night who didn't it's true yes Jeffrey it is yes Jeffrey
00:49:06bloody yes
00:49:13poor Jeffrey
00:49:17Beryl please it's Neville's engagement party as well he had to invite him
00:49:22he'll see me it's cruel
00:49:24he'll see other girls
00:49:26I shan't take him back Sandra
00:49:28I shan't
00:49:31it's been two weeks he may have got over you by now
00:49:34don't know much about men do you love
00:49:38it was doing him a kindness really finally splitting up
00:49:54he only had one ambition in life send my knickers to Oxfam
00:50:12good job she hasn't joined the rent the entire navy had gone strike
00:50:20I expect he's sorry now
00:50:23I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't
00:50:27she might have changed of course
00:50:29if she has I might let her have the old orgy now and again
00:50:32he's got to accept we've finally split up otherwise I definitely won't take him back
00:50:39well I'm certainly not making the first move he's still got me pride
00:50:46I left with Beryl baby
00:50:49oh hi
00:50:50didn't see you
00:50:51no nor me
00:50:52and how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on then
00:50:57United
00:50:58we're winning every game now
00:50:59oh good
00:51:01and what's new with Jeffrey then
00:51:04I asked you what was new with you
00:51:11did you
00:51:17did I say more
00:51:18pardon
00:51:20how's Beryl baby getting on then
00:51:22Jeffrey I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl baby
00:51:27it isn't like you
00:51:29say that again
00:51:30Beryl baby
00:51:31what's your name handsome
00:51:35you laugh
00:51:37everybody laughs
00:51:38it's the story of my life
00:51:40you tell it like it is Chuck
00:51:43she's putting on an axe
00:51:51what do you care
00:51:54I don't know what baby
00:51:57is she going to get into bed with him now
00:52:04probably
00:52:07Jeffrey
00:52:10Jeffrey always looks out for sleep these days
00:52:13well it's very exhausting
00:52:15it is
00:52:17working in a bank
00:52:20oh
00:52:21I had this bad scene
00:52:29this chick
00:52:29and decided to split
00:52:31so I cut out man
00:52:35like there's no tomorrow
00:52:37this cat
00:52:40gets it together
00:52:41where it's at
00:52:41lots of beautiful bag baby
00:52:46so if you want a piece of the action
00:52:49don't cool it
00:52:51dig
00:52:53I'm sorry I no understand English
00:53:01I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one
00:53:11she has
00:53:13she has
00:53:14and which is her husband
00:53:16neither
00:53:18it's warming up isn't it
00:53:23great beat isn't it
00:53:32great to dance to
00:53:34do you agree that life's an onion
00:53:41if so what's death
00:53:45um
00:53:47a banana
00:53:50yes I expect it is when you think about it
00:53:54have you read Schopenhauer's concept of existence
00:53:58um
00:54:00no
00:54:01but I've seen the film
00:54:04you married
00:54:05no
00:54:07grab yourself an adage
00:54:09marriage
00:54:10marriage
00:54:11is a cabbage
00:54:12are you a poet?
00:54:15never ask the questions
00:54:16ask the answers
00:54:18you are a poet
00:54:20to any manager at Marks and Spencers
00:54:24good job
00:54:26I really dirt you
00:54:28now he's taking his clothes off
00:54:31what's on ITV?
00:54:34this
00:54:36what's on BBC
00:54:38cuttin' over
00:54:43what's that like?
00:54:45this
00:54:46oh
00:54:48come on now
00:54:49you know that's not where it's at
00:54:51let's get this
00:54:52what's the word
00:54:53let's get it clear
00:54:55let's get down to the real nitty grittiesville
00:54:58okay
00:54:59mm
00:55:01women's lip is not about burning brass
00:55:12papers yeah
00:55:13what papers?
00:55:15a marriage certificate
00:55:17a dog's license
00:55:18whatever you prefer to call it
00:55:19look let's be basic about this Enid
00:55:22all girls want marriage
00:55:23and a white wedding
00:55:24really basic?
00:55:26you want to be really basic?
00:55:28utterly basic
00:55:29balls
00:55:30grass?
00:55:32Enid
00:55:34when Sandra says every girl
00:55:36she means most girls
00:55:38well like herself
00:55:39not me of course
00:55:40because I incredibly value my independence
00:55:42but most girls definitely want
00:55:45balls
00:55:46if you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to
00:55:50I'm not recourse to anything
00:55:51I'm merely telling you what girls want
00:55:53what?
00:55:54balls
00:55:55balls
00:55:56oh
00:55:57would you please stop saying that?
00:55:59you believe in free love right?
00:56:01you're wrong
00:56:02I believe in free everything
00:56:03freedom from all male chauvinist pig domination
00:56:06honestly don't you understand
00:56:08excuse me you've got your hand on me
00:56:09if we're liberating society for the future I'm sure
00:56:11no thank you
00:56:12excuse me
00:56:13excuse me you've got your hand on me
00:56:14no
00:56:15argh
00:56:16oh sorry
00:56:18well I'm sorry
00:56:19it's alright
00:56:20oh gee
00:56:21it's pleasure
00:56:22grass?
00:56:23Geoffrey you've knocked to
00:56:24not to
00:56:25why not?
00:56:26I said don't you not to smoke it
00:56:37oh wow
00:56:39we're as liberated as you Enid
00:56:41we've equal importance as individuals
00:56:44neither of us is boss
00:56:45it just doesn't arise
00:56:47we'll make some coffee kid
00:56:49yes
00:56:50you see what we believe is
00:56:51now
00:56:52you see
00:56:53where are one?
00:56:54I can see there's only one way to get through
00:56:59what are you doing?
00:57:01lighting everybody's fire
00:57:05burn my bra
00:57:07right
00:57:08that's it
00:57:09finished
00:57:10the end
00:57:11full stop
00:57:13we've finally split up
00:57:14Neville
00:57:15Sandra wants you
00:57:16I should imagine
00:57:17sad isn't it?
00:57:18pathetic
00:57:19well I can't follow plays these days
00:57:33it's just showing real life that's all
00:57:35I once thought I'd found her
00:57:50a perfect girl
00:57:52red hair
00:57:54not too skinny
00:57:56very gentle and shy
00:57:57very gentle and shy
00:57:59passionate when roused
00:58:02yeah
00:58:03she packed me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick
00:58:07you're very sweet Roland
00:58:09I've always thought you were
00:58:13did you know you very nearly have a lopsided grin?
00:58:17it's just I'm a bit tired
00:58:19no it's nice
00:58:22I don't think I've washed that one
00:58:23oh sorry
00:58:46I don't think I've washed that one
00:58:48oh sorry
00:58:53do you know
00:58:54what Beryl?
00:58:55she can ask me anything
00:58:57do you know where Geoffrey's got to?
00:59:03he's upstairs I think
00:59:10is it true they're dry on their own?
00:59:12usually
00:59:19oh
00:59:20I hate to be any trouble
00:59:22but I think I'm dying
00:59:23you'll be all right
00:59:24honest
00:59:25she said I shouldn't smoke it
00:59:28who?
00:59:29she said
00:59:31Geoffrey?
00:59:33Geoffrey?
00:59:35Geoffrey?
00:59:39sorry
00:59:43Geoffrey?
00:59:44sorry
00:59:50Geoffrey?
00:59:51ooh
00:59:52move up a bit Geoffrey
00:59:53put your legs
00:59:54ooh
00:59:55that's better
00:59:57it's because it's your first time isn't it?
00:59:58ooh
00:59:59ooh
01:00:00ooh
01:00:01that's better
01:00:02it's because it's your first time isn't it?
01:00:04ooh
01:00:05ooh
01:00:06ooh
01:00:07ooh
01:00:08ooh
01:00:09ooh
01:00:10ooh
01:00:11ooh
01:00:12ooh
01:00:13call Dr. Weisberg
01:00:14Quilmslow Road
01:00:15Willmslow Road
01:00:20it wasn't marijuana you know
01:00:22what was it then?
01:00:26grass
01:00:27grass
01:00:29grass is marijuana
01:00:32this grass wasn't
01:00:34it was the real thing
01:00:37from the front lawn
01:00:39that you Beryl?
01:00:50had a nice time?
01:00:56even though it's three o'clock in the morning
01:00:59not that I mind
01:01:00if you've had a nice time
01:01:02even though I've been in bed since ten
01:01:04having a good night's worry
01:01:08did you see Geoffrey?
01:01:12that's good
01:01:13do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?
01:01:36I didn't try at all
01:01:38gave me to rest
01:01:43I'm right off birds
01:01:46I am
01:01:47I am
01:01:49for good
01:01:51me too
01:01:52and me
01:01:53good morning
01:02:13your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel
01:02:16can I then
01:02:23and
01:02:27we may have to go
01:02:28give
01:02:29and
01:02:31I
01:02:32that
01:02:34no
01:02:35and
01:02:36I
01:02:37know
01:02:39the
01:02:42the
01:02:43the
01:02:45the
01:02:46the
01:02:47the
01:02:48the
01:02:49the
01:02:50Oh, Beryl, Beryl.
01:03:11Geoffrey.
01:03:16Can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:23Oh, Beryl.
01:03:27Oh, Geoffrey.
01:03:30Oh, God.
01:03:42Hello. Hello.
01:03:45Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:48Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:51You're a bugger.
01:03:53I don't know who he takes after.
01:04:03Hello?
01:04:04It's me.
01:04:05Who?
01:04:06My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:08Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:10I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:13If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in,
01:04:15tonight or any other night.
01:04:17Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:20That's a small world.
01:04:39Good evening, Mrs. Battersby. I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:43Oh?
01:04:45Probably this one.
01:04:47Definitely. Magic in satin.
01:04:49Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.
01:04:51Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:04:53Oh, yes.
01:04:55Oh, yes.
01:04:57Oh, yes.
01:04:59Oh, yes.
01:05:01Oh, yes.
01:05:03Oh, yes.
01:05:05Oh, yes.
01:05:07You'd like some nice fancy wrapping paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:17I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:19I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:22Beryl, listen.
01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been around burning his jockstrap.
01:05:25Beryl, listen.
01:05:26Can I help you, madam?
01:05:27Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:29No, madam.
01:05:30I'll leave it then.
01:05:37Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:42Don't matter.
01:05:44What doesn't?
01:05:45You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:46Wouldn't what?
01:05:48Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:51Me?
01:05:52A football match?
01:05:54With 40,000 skinheads and you?
01:05:56Told you.
01:05:59Who are they playing?
01:06:05Huddersfield Town.
01:06:07In the cot.
01:06:08I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:15The...
01:06:16The fourth from the bottom.
01:06:18Shows you.
01:06:19Away from home, they've won three, drawn five and lost 12.
01:06:28Drawn five.
01:06:33So what do you think?
01:06:36I think I nearly love you.
01:06:38There's all for you.
01:06:39Oh, thanks, darling.
01:06:40Hooray.
01:06:41There's all for you.
01:06:42I think I'm young.
01:06:45There's all for you.
01:06:46You know.
01:06:47We know no love you.
01:06:48I'm young.
01:06:49Come on, I'm young.
01:06:50I'm young.
01:06:51You know.
01:06:52I'm young.
01:06:53There's all for you.
01:06:54Oh, you know what I'm young.
01:06:55I know what I'm young.
01:06:56Can I help you?
01:06:57Never mind.
01:06:58It's only a game.
01:06:59I thought you said you nearly love me.
01:07:00Can I help you?
01:07:01Oh, it's just a mistake of me.
01:07:02Never mind, it's only a game.
01:07:03I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:05I thought you said.
01:07:06I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:13No!
01:07:15I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to watch United.
01:07:21I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:24We live in a permissive society, Beryl.
01:07:26Read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love.
01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:33You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up, even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:39Yes, well, boys are very safe.
01:07:42And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:47I don't mean permissive permissive.
01:07:51I see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:55Pardon?
01:07:56Kissing, cuddling.
01:07:58Things of that nature.
01:08:02Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:05What you just said.
01:08:06Good.
01:08:07Not too much, I hope.
01:08:09Oh, God.
01:08:10Boys are very funny.
01:08:12They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:18Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:27Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:32Fantastic.
01:08:32The cowgills.
01:08:34The cowgills.
01:08:40Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:42Married couple.
01:08:45Newlyweds.
01:08:46Not long married.
01:08:49You go bald doing that.
01:08:51Doing what?
01:08:52I'll tell you 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains.
01:09:09Living in sin.
01:09:10Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:21If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano, would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:28I don't think so.
01:09:29I don't think so.
01:09:32Beryl would.
01:09:35Giving you a bad time, is she?
01:09:36Oh, I wouldn't say that.
01:09:43I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:46What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person without everyone thinking she's automatically...
01:09:52I've never said you were.
01:09:54You think it!
01:09:55All right, Geoffrey.
01:10:10I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:15Marriage?
01:10:16Never.
01:10:19Well, until I am.
01:10:21If I ever do.
01:10:22Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:23For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:31No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:34You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:38Sorry.
01:10:40No-one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:44Not yet.
01:10:50What are you staring at?
01:10:53Hello?
01:10:54You all right, son?
01:10:57Terrific.
01:10:58Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat, then?
01:11:01Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:11:04Hmm.
01:11:05My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:08Oh.
01:11:09What's your theory?
01:11:10Indigestion.
01:11:11Oh.
01:11:14What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:17Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:19He has said one thing.
01:11:21Oh, what's that?
01:11:22If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks.
01:11:24All right.
01:11:27The weeks and months drag by, and with neither side willing to compromise, we still have deadlock.
01:11:34Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:40Another wild night learning what N.O. spells and how many of us school pals are getting married.
01:11:44And what N.O. spells.
01:11:46And what N.O. spells.
01:11:48Great.
01:11:49I might as well go bald and open my own monastery.
01:11:51And so, society, that's you and me, says, end this dispute.
01:11:58End it now.
01:12:00Good night.
01:12:01Hear, hear.
01:12:03Good, weren't I?
01:12:04Triffic.
01:12:05Especially when he said good night.
01:12:08We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:10Having a good time.
01:12:12Just having fun.
01:12:14Being happy.
01:12:15Take two a day, after meals, and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again in the middle of a zebra crossing, for no reason at all.
01:12:27You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:29Absolutely positive.
01:12:33That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:38Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:45Look, Beryl, how's this for a peace plan?
01:12:53You join a marriage bureau, and I'll get a job on the stage, twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:58Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:59Right?
01:13:00Right.
01:13:01Good Jesus Christ, superstar.
01:13:03Amen.
01:13:05Oh, hell.
01:13:07Hands up again.
01:13:08See you tomorrow.
01:13:10Where do you think you're going?
01:13:15Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:18It's important.
01:13:21What is?
01:13:24I keep asking you, what is?
01:13:28What is?
01:13:30To be on our own.
01:13:32What?
01:13:34So as we can talk.
01:13:36What?
01:13:37That old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:47The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.
01:13:51Last night, I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United, and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:56Grace who?
01:13:57She was playing for United as well.
01:14:00Weird, isn't it?
01:14:01The main thing is, we do communicate.
01:14:14Oh, we do.
01:14:24See, what face do I want you to do?
01:14:25See, what I think...
01:14:26Go on.
01:14:27No, you.
01:14:27Mine wasn't important.
01:14:28Her mum wasn't.
01:14:41Beryl?
01:14:45Are you...
01:14:46happy?
01:14:48Of course.
01:14:51Very.
01:14:53I am.
01:14:55No one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:14:58Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:17Probably.
01:15:18I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:20Well, not in so many words.
01:15:23Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:24Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:42No.
01:15:43I don't think so.
01:15:44Honestly, no.
01:15:45Nothing.
01:15:46If there is...
01:15:47If there isn't...
01:15:47You just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:49There isn't anything.
01:15:50Honest.
01:15:51Good.
01:15:54It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:55It would just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:16:03Like, you know,
01:16:06crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop to please you.
01:16:20I see.
01:16:25There's no need to be sensitive, Jeffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:33Your mother.
01:16:34Pardon?
01:16:34I like your mother.
01:16:35Please don't sulk, Jeffrey.
01:16:37Hand her lampshades.
01:16:37Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:42Well, you ought to know.
01:16:43You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:45Anything else at random?
01:16:47You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:48After all, I'm no Bridget Bardot.
01:16:51According to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez,
01:16:53she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:54Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford
01:16:57can tell the difference between Bridget Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:00Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:02I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:04You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:05I am.
01:17:06Start slimming.
01:17:07Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:09If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:11You always succeed in getting back to Percy Philth in the end, don't you?
01:17:14Always.
01:17:14No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:16You do.
01:17:16I always fail.
01:17:18Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?
01:17:20The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells.
01:17:26Especially for the 600th time.
01:17:28That they really dig.
01:17:29You never say dig.
01:17:31I did then.
01:17:32Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about.
01:17:37That's really lovable.
01:17:38I never knew you thought that.
01:17:42Neither did I.
01:17:44Do now, though.
01:17:53I used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:59I used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:01There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:07Thinking what I'm thinking?
01:18:33I think so.
01:18:34We just don't like each other.
01:18:38At all.
01:18:51Oh, goodbye, then.
01:18:54Good luck.
01:18:55Peace, ma'am.
01:19:00St Anne's Square.
01:19:01St Anne's Square, please.
01:19:04So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits, and what else do I need?
01:19:22Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:24Teething ring?
01:19:26Wedding ring?
01:19:27Of course.
01:19:27Oh, they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days.
01:19:32No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:35Oh, sorry.
01:19:37What about?
01:19:38Skip it.
01:19:40About time, too.
01:19:41With her sympathy.
01:19:43Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:45I've never been as happy in me life.
01:19:47But she doesn't know that.
01:19:48If I'm looking miserable, Sandrick, it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:54Yeah.
01:19:58We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:59Of course we do.
01:20:01How to pop the pink without going in off.
01:20:09Ace.
01:20:09She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:13I won't tell you where.
01:20:17A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:20Wow.
01:20:24Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:26I know.
01:20:27Spells no.
01:20:30Super day for it.
01:20:33Sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:35Well, Sandra, this is it.
01:20:39Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:42Yep.
01:20:43Coming to the crutch.
01:20:44Crunch.
01:20:46I dare say it'll hardly break my heart in the slightest seeing him again.
01:20:51You mustn't think I'll be crying inside because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:55And what's more, no one will know that I am.
01:20:57Because I shan't.
01:20:59Truly.
01:21:02Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:05It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:16And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:19Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:21Fine.
01:21:22This is fine enough.
01:21:23Here?
01:21:23About there, lovely.
01:21:25You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:28Wow.
01:21:28Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:32Ow!
01:21:33Oh, sorry.
01:21:35That's right.
01:21:37Hold it.
01:21:39Lovely.
01:21:40Right, now, a nice family group of the parents, please.
01:21:43Funny.
01:21:44I remember the Friday lunchtime we first met.
01:21:48How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:52Never better.
01:21:54Never better.
01:21:54Ever.
01:21:55That's it.
01:21:55A little bit like that.
01:21:58It's all over now.
01:21:59Bar the salmon salad.
01:22:02It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:05I see, President.
01:22:13Nixon went to China, then.
01:22:15That was before we ever met.
01:22:17I know.
01:22:18Why?
01:22:19Something happened about it.
01:22:20No.
01:22:21Oh.
01:22:22Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?
01:22:24Hmm.
01:22:27Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going to the moon.
01:22:33Nixon.
01:22:34Why is he going?
01:22:36No.
01:22:38The astronauts.
01:22:39Oh.
01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:46We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?
01:22:50Good, isn't it?
01:22:51Shows we're friends.
01:22:53Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:54Everybody thinks we're broken-hearted.
01:23:01We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:03My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:07I'm right off it, myself.
01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Oh.
01:23:14I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:16I hope not.
01:23:17It's marvellous.
01:23:18Good.
01:23:19I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:24Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:32And we've learned a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:35Fantastic.
01:23:36For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:41I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:46In bed a bit.
01:23:47And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol and marry her three days later.
01:23:59We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:02I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:04Oh, yeah.
01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:07Where's she going?
01:24:09Hospital.
01:24:13Well, we'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:46Oh, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
01:24:59You won't remember me.
01:25:01Good afternoon, Geoffrey.
01:25:02Oh, um, is, uh, is Beryl there, please?
01:25:08She's gone to the football match.
01:25:12But there is no football.
01:25:13It's cricket now.
01:25:15Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:16Hi.
01:25:25When's the kick-off?
01:25:31Hi!
01:25:40When's the kick-off?
01:25:44In about three months. Football season's over now, Beryl.
01:25:49What on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:52I forgot. I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:57Where will you go now, then?
01:26:00I don't know.
01:26:04Could always go inside and practise booing for next season.
01:26:09Where will you?
01:26:11Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:14Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:26:17Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:26:19May as well, if you like. Don't mind. Why not?
01:26:24Just as friends.
01:26:26Oh, I meant just as friends. Yeah, I did.
01:26:30Wish we had a ball.
01:26:36Could play shooting in.
01:26:39You could go in goal.
01:26:44Yeah.
01:26:45Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:26:50Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:26:56We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:11Anyone, really?
01:27:12Anyone, really?
01:27:13There's millions to choose from.
01:27:14All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:17You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:18You will, Beryl.
01:27:19Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:20Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:25Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:26Oh, yeah.
01:27:27And I'll be happy with you, Beryl.
01:27:28And I'll be happy with you, Beryl.
01:27:29And I'll be happy with you.
01:27:30But I'll be happy with you.
01:27:31Oh, yeah.
01:27:32Oh, dear!
01:27:33grandeur!
01:27:34And I'll be happy with you.
01:27:35And I'll be happy with you.
01:27:36You'll be happy with you, Beryl.
01:27:37And I'll be happy with you.
01:27:38I think I'll be happy with you, Beryl.
01:27:40And I'll be happy with you.
01:27:41Oh, welcome, Beryl.
01:27:42I'm happy with you.
01:27:43Good night.
01:27:44It's been a big day all the time no matter.
01:27:47your eyes open really picking one out of the crowd
01:28:17and you'll find sometimes love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38getting wet together's fun when the crying's dark
01:28:49love and rainy weather are followed by the sun
01:28:58love and rainy weather
01:29:09when the crying's dark
01:29:14love and rainy weather are followed by the sun
01:29:23love and rainy weather are
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