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FunTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:27Let's start all rise
00:00:31You actually did it, sit the fuck down
00:00:40I've always wanted to do that shit man
00:00:44Jesus Christ
00:00:48He's not here, he's not here
00:00:51Sent me
00:00:54What's up Mumbai, hello
00:00:57I have good news and I have bad news
00:01:00Which one would you like to hear first?
00:01:03Most Indian answer ever
00:01:06Because in India someone else's bad news
00:01:09The bad news is this
00:01:15I'm really happy
00:01:18Yeah
00:01:19But the good news is
00:01:20I'll talk about it and hopefully it'll just go away
00:01:23Because when we talk about our happiness
00:01:25Indian people violate a rule that we have been taught since the British Raj
00:01:29Happiness is silence
00:01:31Right?
00:01:32This is why if you ask any Indian person
00:01:33Are you happy?
00:01:34We'd be like
00:01:36Okay?
00:01:38Now don't be confused
00:01:39This is not a confirmation
00:01:40This is not a denial
00:01:41This is a misdirection
00:01:43This is not us going I don't know
00:01:45This is us going I don't want you to know
00:01:47I only want God to know
00:01:49Cause you gotta be honest with God
00:01:51Right guys?
00:01:52God talks to us
00:01:53Yes?
00:01:54God says things like
00:01:55I love you
00:01:56Be strong
00:01:57Vote for me
00:02:03What's up New York?
00:02:04You good?
00:02:05Alright, let me tell you a story
00:02:07Well, a backstory
00:02:08I just shot my new Netflix special man
00:02:10It cuts between London and Mumbai
00:02:14And it's a show I wrote in silence
00:02:17Well, rewrote
00:02:19And the silence is my fault by the way
00:02:21Because the
00:02:22I don't know
00:02:23Things were going well
00:02:25And
00:02:26I think I got a little arrogant
00:02:29And I think the universe can sense arrogance
00:02:32I was in a hotel room in London
00:02:35Six weeks before
00:02:38I was supposed to take my new Netflix special
00:02:40In a church in London
00:02:41And a stadium in Mumbai
00:02:42Something in the universe went
00:02:46And I woke up without a voice
00:02:51Biggest show of my career
00:02:52Six weeks to go
00:02:54My voice wasn't sore
00:02:55It was just gone
00:02:56Broken
00:02:57Silent
00:02:58It's like the government in my body had changed
00:03:02And my family was like
00:03:03You've been sharing too much good news
00:03:04You've been sharing too much good news
00:03:07You've activated the evil eye
00:03:09I'll explain American people
00:03:10The evil eye is ill-wishers
00:03:13They do not do ill to you
00:03:14They just casually wish ill upon you
00:03:17They've combined evil with delegation
00:03:21They wish, right?
00:03:22They'll just blow an eyelash
00:03:23Be like, give him erectile dysfunction
00:03:26Which I don't mean to mock
00:03:27I'm sure it's quite hard
00:03:28But
00:03:32But the evil eye is a powerful force, right?
00:03:34And in India we call the evil eye
00:03:37Family
00:03:38That's right, yes
00:03:46Speaking of family, it is so fucking good to be home
00:03:48What's up Mumbai
00:03:49What's up London
00:03:50What's up New York City
00:03:51It's good to see you guys
00:03:55There you are
00:03:56There you are
00:03:57There you are
00:03:58There you are
00:04:07The minute you share good news
00:04:08The evil eye is activated
00:04:09Observe, I will share some good news
00:04:10Are you ready?
00:04:11So
00:04:13I won a tiny Emmy award
00:04:15Alright
00:04:16And
00:04:17Thank you
00:04:18Thank you
00:04:19Thank you for supporting my comedy
00:04:20And
00:04:21Yeah
00:04:22And my family thanks you as well
00:04:23Guys, the artists you are watching
00:04:24Is now critically acclaimed guys
00:04:26Except the acclaim comes from white people
00:04:28So nobody gives a fuck
00:04:30White validation is brown kryptonite
00:04:34Everybody's like
00:04:35He has betrayed his country
00:04:36And I know what you're thinking
00:04:37Veer, kryptonite is green
00:04:38No, that's white money
00:04:39No, that's white money
00:04:40Which is a brown magnet
00:04:41Which is why you live here
00:04:42And you have betrayed your country
00:04:45Evil eye
00:04:47Look, I get it
00:04:48A lot of people were conflicted
00:04:49When I won the award
00:04:50Because I'm an English comedian in India
00:04:53And we have this post-colonial resentment of the English language
00:04:56We equate English with privilege
00:04:57Correct?
00:04:59Falsely so by the way
00:05:00There are many countries in the world
00:05:01Where people speak great English
00:05:03Who are dirt poor
00:05:04For instance
00:05:05The country of England
00:05:06If you speak good English
00:05:07They're like
00:05:08Veerdas is not relatable
00:05:09Not relatable
00:05:10Yeah, neither was Oppenheimer
00:05:11You watch that shit, no?
00:05:12Why are you so insecure?
00:05:13Why do you need to be related to all the fucking time?
00:05:14Did you watch Oppenheimer?
00:05:15Like I just don't see myself in the mushroom cloud
00:05:16Although give Putin five years
00:05:18But in India there's a spectrum
00:05:19If your English is very bad
00:05:20We will judge you
00:05:21But if your English is very good
00:05:22We will judge you, right?
00:05:23It's this
00:05:24We will judge you
00:05:25We will judge you
00:05:26We will judge you
00:05:27Right?
00:05:28It's this
00:05:29This
00:05:30Appu Vivek Ramaswamy spectrum
00:05:31Right?
00:05:32This
00:05:33This
00:05:34Mowgli Rishi Sunak spectrum
00:05:35This
00:05:36Kangana Tharoor spectrum
00:05:37Right?
00:05:38There were also
00:05:39The night that I won my Emmy award
00:05:54Two Indian critics, mainstream critics got on TV
00:05:57And one of them was like
00:05:58I don't like Veerdas
00:05:59And she was like
00:06:00Why?
00:06:01She said his English is too good
00:06:02You can't be mad at people
00:06:04Because they ain't like
00:06:05How do you want?
00:06:06How do you want?
00:06:08people because they enunciate I'm sorry Mumbai to enunciate means that you
00:06:13we're not the best right guys the first girl I hooked up with in Mumbai every
00:06:20time we'd hook up she'd be like a Suno let's bang no men a Suno let's bang no
00:06:26men then we would have consensual sex while assaulting two languages you get
00:06:33judged man like I remember once one of India's top Hindi comedians came up to
00:06:37me and he's like Veer you are too global Indian stand-up is not global you sound
00:06:42privileged you have to sound relatable like us and then he left in a Range Rover
00:06:48and that's when you realize the most privileged people in the world don't
00:06:52speak English don't need English think about it Jack Ma Mandarin Mukesh Ambani
00:06:57Gujarati Elon Musk X no English is required then I got taken to England's
00:07:04top vocal doctor and he informed me that I had massive vocal cysts on both
00:07:08of my vocal cords and he's like Mr. Das it could be seven months before you speak
00:07:13properly again but you know look at Djokovic injured out for six months does so
00:07:19much physio back in five weeks you just gotta find a Djokovic inside you do you
00:07:26know how patronizing it is to compare a comedian to a professional athlete that's
00:07:30the equivalent of like his patient dies and I'm like I know it's sad but look at
00:07:33Jesus crucified out for eternity does so much physio back in three days you just
00:07:44gotta find a Jesus inside you can you imagine a brown man with a beard telling a
00:07:49white man to find Jesus the last guy who did that was Jesus but I'm training I
00:07:59just fired my American trainer I got a proper Indian trainer right he speaks
00:08:03Hindi has a ponch because this Western guy kept saying all this privilege shit I
00:08:10didn't understand he's like Mr. Das if you want to get really lean we gotta feed and
00:08:14fast feed and fast we gotta surprise your body I was like bro I live in Mumbai if I
00:08:21want to surprise my body I will cross the road I will be much leaner when there's
00:08:28an SUV on top of my body random people say when Mr. Das are you having any
00:08:32antioxidants I'm like the AQI is 599 right now what oxygen are you referring to
00:08:38in Mumbai at this point my body converts monoxide into dioxide I am an
00:08:43antioxidant we have lost half the crowd by the way half the crowd is gone right
00:08:48like why is he teaching science not coming to learn about oxygen just make
00:08:54me laugh bro don't make me think this is you in the comments just make me laugh
00:08:59bro don't make me think get someone to tickle you you basic bitch all right
00:09:05random privilege it Mr. Das what are your thoughts on probiotics do you guys know
00:09:15about probiotics here well what are your thoughts on probiotics and I was like I
00:09:18believe in a woman's right to choose I'm probiotic he's like Mr. Das you're
00:09:25making a mistake and I said I shouldn't have to live with that mistake for the rest of my life
00:09:29this trainer it was so hard not to sound like him when I was talking to him Indian
00:09:37people we have a horrible habit when we talk to somebody with a foreign accent like
00:09:44a Demento we inhale their accent and do their accent back to their face like a sweet French
00:09:56guy will come over to your house for dinner he'll be like ah this is magnifique could I have some more
00:10:00shake and tikka please you will walk into your own kitchen look at your Indian mother and be like
00:10:06eh you would like some more shake and tikka your mother will come out look at the French guy and be
00:10:14like beta will you like some more now the French guy is fucking terrified right he's like uh auntie I
00:10:22would like some more now you're just three racists surrounding a cold piece of chicken tikka
00:10:32to get rid of the evil eye six pundits six priests were sent over to my house and they did an eight
00:10:37hour worship ritual where they built a shivling out of milk and ghee and ice that stood by itself
00:10:43six feet into the air it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen I was like
00:10:46can you complete the bridges in Mumbai please and the pandit was like now you need to pray every
00:10:55night I couldn't talk to the pandit and I was like well that's kind of why I hired you
00:10:59and he was like we don't pray for you we just make sure that your prayers heard first
00:11:05I was like so you are like the TSA pre-check
00:11:10of God and he was like yeah take your shoes off
00:11:16the thing is I don't pray that much right like like I casually take God's name during orgasms in
00:11:23deadlifts right which yo for me are very similar experiences that you know my knees don't cooperate
00:11:31looking in a mirror you know the very like okay I talked to God like the other day I was praying
00:11:41because I lost my passport like no you so you can get a new passport in 24 hours if you have contacts
00:11:47in the government except for me contact with the government is why I need my passport so if I lose
00:11:55my passport I haven't lost my passport God has taken my passport and I just find religion and you
00:12:01know when I'm desperate I laugh right so I was like God listen I cannot tell jokes to a world I do not get
00:12:08to see and then all of a sudden a file in front of me flew open us I heard a noise and it was just like
00:12:13and my passport I swear to God was five feet away inside that file like hidden under this paper where
00:12:20some jokes were written and I was so happy I cried happy tears over a piece of paper the last time
00:12:27I did that a pregnancy test came negative I needed my passport because I went to Australia um I'm sorry
00:12:36any Australians in the audience make some noise good to see you guys I like your country I mean you guys
00:12:41you're like England's Bangladesh is that sorry I apologize I apologize I'm sorry you are New Zealand's
00:12:53Pakistan here's what happened I follow rules when I'm at airports abroad I never want to embarrass India
00:13:06abroad unless it's at a large theater and this old Aussie lady picked me out of line right full of
00:13:15white people she's like yes sir you're gonna check your bag in no I was like madam it's under nine
00:13:20kilos only one item she's like no you're gonna check your bag in I was pissed off would you be pissed
00:13:25off yeah I was like are you gonna check any of the white people and all the white people were like
00:13:31fuck now she's gonna check the white people she just pointed at me she was like no just you I was
00:13:39delighted I was I was like oh my god it's an OG racist it's like seeing the northern lights you know
00:13:46what I mean you're you're like I've seen books and movies but it's so much more impressive in person
00:13:50you never see an OG racist in a modern setting it fucks with your brain right it's like seeing a
00:13:57Nazi drink boba tea which I would pay good money to see your full SS uniform just hi Hitler I really
00:14:13do feel racists are a marginalized community if you consider the struggle of being a racist to identify
00:14:22as a bigot but to be trapped inside an intelligent person's body racists have no public platforms it's
00:14:29just 80% of American podcast that's it right all of their good ideas have been stolen culturally
00:14:35appropriated from racists racists came up with the n-word hip-hop took it racists came up with
00:14:41segregation pickleball took it racists came up with slavery Apple took it all their good ideas are gone
00:14:51and then what is the life of a racist what you you make a tiny pucky like me check his luggage
00:14:54then you go home and have quiet missionary sex under a picture of Churchill
00:14:58picture Winston Churchill it's got to be missionary you can't do anal under Churchill
00:15:10Churchill Churchill Churchill has never seen her colonization
00:15:15I'm walking into first class she keeps smiling at me with victory in her eyes something in me
00:15:29snapped usually Indian people we shut up and take it right I was like madam I hope an Indian marries your
00:15:35daughter I hope her daughter comes home with a beautiful Indian man fucking Dave Patel's face with
00:15:43Sadhguru's mustache on like my body and they have to sleep in the next room and listen to weird Indian
00:15:50Aussie mixed sex coming through the wall online long yeah she was 65 you gotta have empathy it is
00:16:10possible to love an old racist right Indians go to your family whatsapp group right now fun fact if you
00:16:17cannot find a racist in your family whatsapp group you're the fucking racist don't be don't be ashamed one
00:16:26of my grand aunts legendary Islamophobe legendary platinum member frequent flyer bigot every time
00:16:35she saw me do stand up she'd be like hi Allah I was like don't you hate Muslims she'd be like yeah but
00:16:42when I'm disappointed I invoke their god why bother on then I got taken to Adele's speech therapist she had
00:16:53the same problem as me same level of talent and is this tiny Jewish lady who charges a lot of money and
00:17:01she gave me this this is a kazoo she was like when you can play happy birthday on the kazoo you
00:17:09are ready for theatrical performances again and I was like when you can do burpees on a
00:17:14marshmallow carpet you are ready for an appendectomy because I thought we were playing a game where we
00:17:19said fucking nonsense sentences to each other this is impossible to make a noise out of it doesn't
00:17:27happen the noise has to come from within every day 20 times a day I was just like do you know how
00:17:36many ducks have shown up to my house looking for action and received it because we're speaking the
00:17:48same language duck shows up I'm like now you've got your money's worth right musical performance
00:18:13but she's like Mr. Das you've been using your voice wrong for 20 years and I was like how left-wing
00:18:18intellectual of you this is why I like the younger generation like anybody here 18 to 25 make some
00:18:24noise I like you guys because you're outspoken you're not silent you share you're brave you put
00:18:30yourself out there then we give you feedback you get triggered we laugh that's the system
00:18:34that's why we let you believe you have your own truth your truth is our content
00:18:46I have two nephews that are the generation below gen z what do they call morons I my nephews are 14
00:18:56I took them to a museum my nephew is super pissed off that a massive European painting will not fit
00:19:02into his phone this way and I was like fucker just turn your phone and he's like veer mama you
00:19:10don't understand the world has changed life is vertical I was like I'm gonna change my will now
00:19:18I'm not gonna cut you off I will leave you everything I have if you cremate me vertical
00:19:24just eyes open I want to look down at the family while I burn all right and I want a DJ playing like
00:19:32techno music behind me right I want it to be like sunburn meets sati all right and
00:19:36and I grief meets glastonbury all right like like burning man meets burning man
00:19:43and I want you to film the entire thing and upload it to instagram and just caption it veer mama lit
00:19:52which is almost the perfect caption for a cremation right so easily manipulated because you commodify
00:20:06distraction all you want to do is have the drop you can do a one hour show for gen z with one punchline
00:20:11just delay the drop veer mama the world has changed life is vertical the world has changed
00:20:19the world has changed change change change change veer mama change change change change change
00:20:24Change, change, change, change me, momma.
00:20:26Life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life is vertical.
00:20:34Life is vertical.
00:20:43Look at your stupid faces, right?
00:20:46All the adults are like, what is happening?
00:20:49I want a refund.
00:20:51Gen Z is like, let him cook, bro.
00:20:53and that is the perfect caption for a cremation
00:21:00then four weeks before the stadium show i tried homeopathy anybody doesn't know what
00:21:07homeopathy is make some noise yeah i'll explain don't worry so sir uh a homeopath is a lonely
00:21:14virgin man who sits in a two foot by two foot room surrounded by white powder all right
00:21:22it's like a closet at a ditty party and he gave me white powder to put in my fucking face and i
00:21:30was like what is this and he was like doesn't matter so now eight times a day i put white
00:21:35powder into my fucking face i don't even do stand-up anymore i work in finance
00:21:39i'm an addict
00:21:43here's the problem with your generation um you got addicted to performative validation on dopamine
00:21:51devices you guys are obsessed with identity not personality so when you put yourself out there
00:21:55it's what you are not who you are so you're trying to gather and broadcast labels because they all
00:22:00represent shots of dopamine from the internet that you're addicted to so you are not just a human
00:22:05being you are a polyamorous adhd vegan juggler who is religiously agnostic but avengers adjacent right
00:22:11and listen i don't want to patronize you but as you get older you discover that the world is
00:22:17really fucking basic right grown-ups amulya there are only two types of people in the entire world
00:22:24there are assholes and there are people who deal with assholes that's it that's the entire world
00:22:29let's not be unevolved there are intersectional assholes in the world
00:22:36there are black assholes white assholes straight assholes gay assholes trans assholes
00:22:41on the flip side some vegans are nice people people are nuanced they're complex right london
00:22:47i'm just saying even adolf hitler was a dog lover remember side note how confused do you think hitler's
00:22:55dog was dog only understands visuals not politics right if you're hitler's dog every time your dad
00:23:03is outside your dad is like one thousand days and thousand reichen nine and those like never throws a
00:23:09ball then when you're silent which you discover you make up your own sign language that nobody
00:23:20understands but you i looked at my assistant i wanted a decaf black and i was like i would like
00:23:25decaf black
00:23:26he's like what i'm like
00:23:32decaf black
00:23:34what
00:23:36i was like your mother is
00:23:39you want a decaf black
00:23:44everybody around you gets quiet as well everybody's like oh my god you've lost your voice
00:23:51that's so sad would you like a decaf
00:23:58can you discover that when one person breaks silence is contagious
00:24:06and i get it because if you ever land into controversy by choice or not by choice you become
00:24:13a story and the problem with becoming a story is uh you're milked for attention no matter where you go
00:24:19every time i was in new york or somewhere in the uk a white journalist would show up and they'd be
00:24:24like oh my god
00:24:25can we do like a a 9 000 word exclusive and how you're being silenced on your plight
00:24:31i'm sorry my plight
00:24:36forgive me madam it feels like you need some sort of eastern oppression story to feel better about where
00:24:41you live all right listen somebody's somebody's plight is like their erection all right i know
00:24:48it's hard to look at but it's rude to point it out
00:24:52and she's like you don't understand our audience is huge and they're going to sympathize i'm like
00:24:55my audience is small but they're going to empathize all right sympathy
00:25:03sympathy is a porn video that you watch for pleasure empathy is an orgy we're all getting
00:25:07together now listen about 30 percent of you responded to that joke
00:25:13and i need you to stay back after the show because that was not a metaphor
00:25:21how's the deirda show he does a lot of crowd work you know it's really intense
00:25:28i genuinely think that if you don't put them on the spot if you give them a safe space
00:25:33if you give them anonymity most people will have an honest conversation tell
00:25:38the truth and they know right from wrong would you agree right i think so
00:25:44let's find out turn the lights out shasti
00:25:47kavi put the lights off
00:25:54yeah so the christmas tree doesn't go off
00:25:56i have five electricians on my crew nobody could figure this out
00:26:08and this special is going to come out in the summer bhencho so
00:26:19british people so we'll be honest with each other shall we
00:26:21every time something happens in your country 80 of the world has zero sympathy for you
00:26:34i'm sorry it's just not been long enough
00:26:39you've around and found out for so long with so many countries
00:26:43and now you have the gall to complain about too much diversity in england
00:26:47at this point we don't even want reparations anymore do we indian people
00:26:52at this point i don't want your monarch to return the kohinoor i want him to swallow it
00:27:07let's see if god really can save the king
00:27:11let's have an honest conversation right now do you want to try
00:27:13yes if we're being honest with each other you know that since 2019 we've all felt monitored and
00:27:21monetized that we are fed this story of good versus evil but with every passing year it just
00:27:27makes less and less sense that we are worshiping false heroes and celebrating a lack of intelligence
00:27:33because of a morally bankrupt middle class that is obsessed with consumption and a cult of power
00:27:38every single indian person here knows that since 2019 there has not been a single good marvel movie
00:27:54and you know it all right these are bullshit heroes these are false stories
00:28:02wait what did you guys think i was talking about
00:28:03guys that's just a joke about the mcu speaking of which right now nobody can see you
00:28:14nobody you're safe not the people above you who ignore you not the people below you who you ignore
00:28:19but they can hear you just make the noise you want to be remembered for
00:28:36as an outsider humbly i just want to say i think your empire is ending
00:28:53it feels that way from the outside you're kind of like the hot girl from high school who's back at the
00:28:58reunion and now she's mad that everybody else is hot too and china's the principal
00:29:10and i think i know like it's because all the smart people in your country behave like such corrupt
00:29:15assholes you stop listening to them and you started listening to stupid people who were slightly smarter
00:29:19than you were and convinced yourself that those were the smart people
00:29:22and now the entire world kind of looks at you the way you looked at joe biden
00:29:34it's kind of like oh
00:29:38he doesn't know where he is anymore
00:29:39let's just stay in this darkness for a second in case someone has a gun
00:29:52all right let's turn the lights on
00:30:01i don't think america will ever get rid of guns guns are your cricket
00:30:04and i firmly believe that every american should be allowed to buy a gun at any age without an id
00:30:11hang on but i do think you need to change your gun technology i think you need to voice activate
00:30:16your guns every time you want to fire a bullet the gun will not fire until you say something
00:30:21completely and perfectly into the gun in your voice and i think what you should have to say
00:30:26is the entire second amendment
00:30:27so it'll change gun violence forever man americans be like i'm gonna kill you after i study for two
00:30:36weeks
00:30:40two weeks later that guy comes back and he's like in the united states of america a well-trained
00:30:46militia for the security of the state the right to bear arms shall never be in phrase think about
00:30:51how many people can run away in that much time
00:30:53if you make apple handle your guns you will solve foreign terrorism forever with siri
00:31:03if i show up in my accent siri
00:31:07a well-trained militia for the security of the state the right to bear arms shall never be infringed
00:31:11there are five starbucks in your area
00:31:13oat milk cappuccino shoot all filipinos no
00:31:34guys it's a tourist visa i'm not afraid of you do you understand
00:31:37i'm in therapy my therapist is this woman who holds a cup of chamomile tea two centimeters away
00:31:48from her face the entire session and never fucking sips it and her taking a sip is now the only hope i
00:31:55have in therapy
00:31:58fucking jedi
00:32:00the other day she's like you know mr dance a lot of comedians have cruelty in their childhood so
00:32:05their definition of love becomes withholding and i was like did you know that a lion only
00:32:09fucks for 30 seconds and she's like no i did not know that and i was like good because that means
00:32:15one of us is bringing new information into this conversation
00:32:21this is awesome just trying to see if you have any childhood trauma i'm like
00:32:24i grew up in india in africa my trauma has childhood
00:32:28this is my childhood trauma when i was 12 years old a bully kicked me in my teeth so hard i swallowed
00:32:37my own tooth and i was hospitalized and made to hydrate so i would poop out my own tooth and i never
00:32:43did and i'm afraid it's still in there and one day i would get an x-ray and in the stomach of an adult
00:32:49male they will find a 12 year old boy's tooth
00:32:55and they'll be like mr das what did you have for breakfast this morning
00:32:58i'll be like no it's childhood trauma they'll be like yeah for the child you fucking ate
00:33:03listen my parents knew about mental health problems but they gave me indian solutions
00:33:07like papa i have crippling anxiety uh-huh you do jumping jacks
00:33:17anxiety will jump out of your body then you take turmeric for acid reflux
00:33:23before the stadium show i tried something called myofascial release has anybody tried it
00:33:29guys let me tell you about this i was in copenhagen
00:33:31and this muscular six foot four beautiful german man with blonde hair and blue eyes
00:33:37walked into my hotel room i was like if there's more of you you deserve a reich
00:33:45and then he took his elbow which was the only non-muscular part of his body
00:33:49and shoved it into my buttock and started to move it around and he started to stroke my hair
00:33:54and he was like you have a sadness deep inside you and i was like no i have a german deep inside
00:34:05and he was like your throat chakra is fully blocked and i'm like that's because you have
00:34:09shoved my small intestine upwards inside it and he he's like you must let go and i was like i feel
00:34:16the same way about you and he was like release surrender and i surrendered to these beautiful
00:34:24strong german arms i felt like france and then new york i had this beautiful emotional release
00:34:36it was just shattering i i didn't cry i farted for 42 seconds and then his throat chakra was blocked
00:34:44and there's just coriander everywhere in the room i was mortified right
00:34:54so i did the one thing that every indian does when we're embarrassed abroad right i was like sir
00:34:59i'm from pakistan
00:35:05it's fine
00:35:09can i tell you why i went to therapy would that be all right
00:35:11so i left i did 186 shows abroad burnt myself out my final show was in singapore i was flying home
00:35:18first class and i woke up and the purser was there and i was like how long till we land in mumbai
00:35:26and he's like oh mr das this flight is to london it's 10 hours to lhr
00:35:30fuck you not london mumbai we are flying to mumbai and he's like mr das you need to calm down right
00:35:40now because you know when a brown man with a beard starts yelling a new destination for the plane
00:35:44and he's like a situation situation
00:35:54i put a show on sale in london last minute it had sold out
00:35:58right i bought a ticket boarded a flight 72 hours of my life blacked out just gone
00:36:04and then i got disoriented and i started to cry in first class it's tragic guys so i cried and
00:36:15i drank dom perignon champagne and then then i whimpered and i put caviar on melba toasting
00:36:21i cried all the way to england wishing i was in india i felt like lady mount batten
00:36:32a lot of you did not get that joke
00:36:35shall i explain i'll explain all right so guys caviar is fish eggs
00:36:39uh study your own history bhenchot all right sorry white people uh bhenchot um
00:36:52when you're happy bhenchot is kind of what the n-word is amongst black people
00:36:57right fair it's like what up bhenchot hey he's my bhenchot right
00:37:02but when you're unhappy bhenchot is like the n-word amongst white people
00:37:06look at that bhenchot ah and i went to my therapist and i'm like i'm blocking out entire
00:37:14days am i crazy and she's like mr das it's 2024 we don't use that word anymore i'm like i don't
00:37:19use dental floss that doesn't mean it doesn't exist she's like mr das you seem to have a problem
00:37:25sitting quietly with your emotions have you ever been quiet and happy at the same time why don't
00:37:30you tell me a story and i'm like i cannot believe i'm paying for storytelling
00:37:37and then i paid her money to tell her the story i just charged you for
00:37:42this all business model two weeks before the stadium show i broke
00:37:47you just cry and the thought that breaks you is i'm a storyteller
00:37:53what if i don't get to or what if i do and it's not as you just cry silently
00:38:02which looks pathetic as a man it looks like an orgasm on mute
00:38:10it's the noise that lets you know which one it is guys
00:38:17i was like i know you can't hear me but can you see me
00:38:19when i was 24 years old i was an illegal immigrant in chicago i'd overstayed my visa i worked in a
00:38:26kitchen with mexican cooks brutal people they called me los platos colega sometimes i'd sleep on
00:38:33the train my working hours were 8 a.m to 3 a.m and you'd freeze and this guy called cerchio
00:38:38taught me this trick he's like hey colega come here if uh pezones caliente hombre caliente if your
00:38:45nipples are warm your body will be warm then he put hot soup from the restaurant into ziploc bags
00:38:52put every ziploc bag into a black garbage bag tied them together behind my neck so that soup hung
00:38:57over here i wore a jacket and i was insulated and warm all night long everybody left me alone on the
00:39:04train because i was a brown man with gigantic tits
00:39:07and you know this was a couple of years before the trance conversation but a couple of years after
00:39:159 11 so you know even the mexicans were like maybe colega terrorista maybe mucho grande sabroso negras
00:39:24tetas really massive tasty black tits and sometimes you wake up on the train man it's
00:39:32fucking beautiful it is you know you've got cold play in your ears warm soup on your nipples
00:39:41your heads on the window you come out of a tunnel you feel sunlight on your cheeks they get warm
00:39:48warm your eyes go into this non-religious shade of orange
00:40:03and there's golden light in your face you feel seen
00:40:07and you can't move because there's a massive homeless man sleeping on top of you
00:40:19now indian women some of you know this
00:40:24having been compressed under a heavy set man don't look at him eyes front eyes front look at me right
00:40:30now the only thing that will move that man is food right so i put this man in the window seat his name
00:40:36was eugene i put him under the sun and i pulled out soup he laughed his ass off he's like hey man what
00:40:43else you got in them series and i was like more soup and then his friends surrounded me and like five
00:40:52black guys i gave them all soup and they all called me a little soup titty n-word for five hours
00:40:57hey man look at this little soup titty n-word i have had sharuk khan tell me he was proud of me
00:41:03i've had a woman call me the love of her life nothing comes close to five black guys calling you the n-word
00:41:10it's also the most maternal i've ever felt in my life
00:41:14you know to pull your tit out and nourish somebody
00:41:18ladies i get why you do it
00:41:21and i told this story to my therapist and my therapist like
00:41:24mr das that is not a quiet story at all and they are happier than you are and i'm like madam
00:41:29you don't understand what i fucking do do you look happiness watched is greater than happiness lived
00:41:36all right do you know what every crowd has in common they look different they sound the same
00:41:42because happiness is a universal noise a human being is just a noise we die when we're silent
00:41:49if i could take every audience member and put them in a suitcase and put them up on stage with me
00:41:53and take them around the world so that they see it like i see it and feel it like i feel it you
00:41:57would understand why people like stand up nobody's watching the comedian they are listening to the
00:42:03audience to happiness leave their body because happiness when yelled joy when not protected but
00:42:09joy projected is hope it is strength people with power understand that the scariest thing to them is
00:42:18is not the words that come out of my mouth it is the noise that comes out of theirs comedians just say
00:42:23words the audience tells the truth and this is what i don't understand why is no one arresting the audience
00:42:32they are the problem look at them they're so stupid so easily motivated by some eloquent flattery and my
00:42:49therapist was like mr das you have an aggressive dissociative disorder that is motivated by extreme
00:42:55ptsd and i was like you have passive aggressive tongue twisters that are motivated by chamomile tea
00:43:03you say like mr das your anxiety is out of control i need to put you on medication
00:43:07what are your thoughts on beta blockers and i was like i believe in a woman's right to choose
00:43:14that joke gets better if you think about it in hindi
00:43:18also i have an addictive personality i'm not going to take pills she's like all right then you need to
00:43:21work out seven days a week the endorphins will carry you through your depression so i should do jumping jacks
00:43:37she's like no also take turmeric for acid
00:43:43ladies and gentlemen
00:43:44we're on a train that's all this life is it's a train in a fucking circle and one step
00:43:53on that train one stop is unhappiness and utter despair and sorrow and an ass whooping and whether you are
00:43:59quiet or whether you are happy or whether you are careful or whether you are reckless the train will
00:44:05stop at that station once in your life i promise you stick your tits out and share your soup all right
00:44:09that's all i'm gonna say you could play every card in the book right and one day for no reason your
00:44:15voice will just go the away and then one day for no reason it will 10 days before my stadium shows
00:44:23something freed i don't know why this happened but do you know what i think freedom is when you're not
00:44:33constantly thinking about whether you can speak you can speak like my voice came back not for doctors
00:44:40or for healers it came back for a food delivery guy
00:44:48he handed me a package of food and instinctively without thinking i was like thank you by sub
00:44:52he just came out and i i just fucking i held him and i i wept for 20 minutes straight i just wept in
00:45:02his arms and he was like you are very passionate about kung pao chicken
00:45:10and i was just like your back is very tight you have a sadness deep inside
00:45:17don't think about what you say and it will get you into trouble and when you are in trouble do not
00:45:21think about what you say and it will get you out of trouble here are three quick stories to end my
00:45:26show that prove that are you ready number one i was 18 years old in the city of new delhi on the back
00:45:31of a motorcycle my friend sushil is driving us home from a delhi party at a farmhouse where we have both
00:45:36dropped acid if you have ever driven in delhi at night you know this you do not need the acid
00:45:44there are pre-existing illusions like safety
00:45:47we get up to a red light while we're getting up to the red light a cat crosses the road
00:45:53it fucks with my brain all of a sudden at the red light i see standing a 20 foot tall
00:45:58pussycat with one eye and there was light shooting out of the cat's eye and the cat was morphing and
00:46:04dancing and changing and as we got closer the cat morphed into a delhi policeman
00:46:10with a torch in his hand the delhi police will shine a torch in your eyes we know this
00:46:17they're like on the off chance you haven't had an accident yet
00:46:25we get up to this policeman who is six foot four a sardar and i swear to god his name was hanta singh
00:46:32and as we start to flee he tries to flag us down i'm told 18 years old high on acid i make direct eye
00:46:38contact and go meow
00:46:46if you think running away from a delhi policeman pisses them off try meowing at them
00:46:52they go insane he followed us for three kilometers we get to another red light and i still do not know
00:46:57why this is when my bastard friend starts following traffic laws
00:47:00he stops hunter singh got off and beat me with my helmet on it still hurt i was like what is this
00:47:09helmet for then he beat me with my helmet and i understood what the helmet was for
00:47:15then he started hitting me with his torch which i thought was a magical light and kept catching with my
00:47:19face to taste his rainbow then he looked at my friend and he was like show me your license
00:47:27and my friend sushil pulled out a learner's license i don't need to stop the show but does that does that
00:47:33joke work here yeah let me explain so uh guys in india on a learner's license you are not allowed to do
00:47:42acid same i see this license go past my face and it's got like colors and an aura and energy i have an
00:47:53idea i also pull out my learner's license and i'm like inspector hunter singh if we combine
00:48:01the power of two runners licenses they will become a full license sir which is like saying if two
00:48:13college kids fuck each other they will become a professor sir and he laughed so much he let me go
00:48:22second story i was 35 years old i was in a nightclub in mumbai 35 is old enough to know how absurd the
00:48:29indian fighting ritual is i bumped up against this alpha male when i was dancing right bro got angry
00:48:36he was like bro are you okay i was really smashed that's i was like yeah it's really soft
00:48:45bro went insane he's like meet me outside after this song
00:48:49after this song then then for four minutes we both just awkwardly danced while making eye contact
00:49:01until tunak tunak tun finish which is the longest song in the world legit yo this is one out of five
00:49:09choruses of the layer mendys masterpiece then it goes higher
00:49:23then it goes lower
00:49:35hit it, then it goes lower
00:49:44tonuntun
00:49:47phuck the song think about the emotional journey we just went through right now
00:49:51because they don't fight for first first they will stand around in a circle and tell you how
00:49:55many people in your family they will phuck
00:49:57I will fuck your mother, your father, your gardener, your executive assistant.
00:50:05I'm like, am I needed for this?
00:50:10You have a concrete plan, Glo.
00:50:14I feel like we're just gathering to abuse a family.
00:50:19The fight began, right?
00:50:21I thought I'd land a punch.
00:50:22This Punjabi guy stuck his chest against my chest
00:50:25and started rubbing his chest against my chest.
00:50:28I was like, sir?
00:50:31My nipples do not know the difference
00:50:34between sensual friction and aggressive friction.
00:50:37He got both of them equally perky like a cathode anode situation.
00:50:42Then he stuck his fucking face to my face.
00:50:45His pupil touched my pupil and he saw my memories, alright?
00:50:49He was like, is there a tooth in your stomach?
00:50:55Right?
00:50:57Then he fucking started breathing hot air into my mouth.
00:51:00And I started breathing hot air into his mouth,
00:51:02just becoming the thing I despise,
00:51:04which is how I feel about elections in India.
00:51:06And then he was like, kya kirga? Kuch karga? Kuch karga? Kuch karga?
00:51:09Karna bencho. Karna bencho.
00:51:10Main chaitai tu kar. Chaitai tu kar.
00:51:12Which literally translates to, do it, do it.
00:51:13I want you to do it.
00:51:14Please do it. Do something.
00:51:15Do it. Do it. Do it now.
00:51:17So I licked his ear.
00:51:22He's right there.
00:51:27I was like, this is not confrontation, this is consent.
00:51:30Oh, don't you judge my palate, alright?
00:51:33You have Bombay sandwiches from Mithibai.
00:51:35That's ball scratching bread, alright?
00:51:37And a wave of confusion went over that man's face.
00:51:44We just saw him realize, I don't know if we are fucking or we are fighting.
00:51:48Which is how I feel about elections in India.
00:51:51And then he went to his friends and he's like, par ye to woh hai.
00:51:55Translation, but he is that.
00:51:58You ever been so confused, your grammar deserts your homophobia?
00:52:02And then we didn't even fucking fight.
00:52:04We just went inside and danced for four more hours.
00:52:07Fuck me.
00:52:09I just want to take you in.
00:52:11There are four minutes left in the show right now.
00:52:13You know, I came to Mumbai with a suitcase.
00:52:17And no contacts, no money, no comedy scene.
00:52:21And there's a stadium here today, you know?
00:52:27And then, you have a voice again.
00:52:30I did both shows.
00:52:32Right before the show, you're standing backstage at a church.
00:52:35You're putting your foot up on the stadium.
00:52:38And your voice is different.
00:52:41And when I say your voice is different, I mean your voice is different.
00:52:46Six weeks ago, I didn't know if I was going to be here on stage.
00:52:49This is insane.
00:52:50I was watching that.
00:52:51You know, you remember Freddie Mercury in Live Aid where he had no voice and he fucking came out.
00:53:03He's like, hey, oh.
00:53:05Oh shit.
00:53:06It's not the same.
00:53:10And there's this whole other special that Netflix paid you a lot of money to do.
00:53:17Where you thought about everything that you wanted to say.
00:53:20And you just don't like thinking that much.
00:53:24All you can think is just.
00:53:26Bank队.
00:53:29Bank队.
00:53:30Bank队.
00:53:33Bank队.
00:53:34Bank队.
00:53:35Bank队.
00:53:36Bank队.
00:53:37Bank队.
00:53:38Bank队.
00:53:39Bank队.
00:53:40I was summoned by the Mumbai police.
00:53:41Joke
00:53:45I was summoned by the Mumbai police
00:53:53I was accused of stealing a joke from myself
00:53:59This is very confusing
00:54:01I wrote two shows about India
00:54:02And they both had one common topic with different jokes
00:54:05So I had to go and explain joke structure to the Mumbai police
00:54:09Which I am about to explain to you right now
00:54:11Are you ready here?
00:54:13Mumbai, every joke has three parts
00:54:15Number one, undeniable factual information
00:54:17Number two, a premise
00:54:19Number three, a punchline
00:54:20Observe
00:54:21Undeniable factual information
00:54:23Not all nipples are the same size
00:54:26Right?
00:54:28Here's a premise
00:54:28My nipples are like India and Pakistan
00:54:31Punchline
00:54:33They used to be a lot closer
00:54:36But over the years they just grew apart
00:54:38It's an okay joke
00:54:39I'm just illustrating
00:54:41By the way, any Pakistani people here tonight?
00:54:43Listen, I love you guys
00:54:45You're always welcome in my show, alright?
00:54:47Don't put this on social media
00:54:49What's your name buddy from Pakistan?
00:54:57Shahzad
00:54:57Shahzad, I do believe that one day our countries will be friends
00:55:00I do believe that, genuinely
00:55:01Yeah
00:55:01I don't know, I just
00:55:05We just gotta find some common enemy
00:55:10Let's go blow up the Maldives together, huh?
00:55:17Fuck the Maldives
00:55:18Fucking both of our navies together, Shahzad
00:55:20Let's do it, alright?
00:55:2165 of our ships
00:55:22Two of your jet skis
00:55:23Even Shahzad is like, two jet skis, huh?
00:55:35The point I'm trying to make is
00:55:37In a different joke
00:55:38Part one never changes
00:55:40Observe Mumbai
00:55:41Here's a different joke
00:55:42Undeniable factual information
00:55:44Not all nipples
00:55:45Here's a different premise
00:55:47My nipples are like politics in India
00:55:50For as long as I can remember
00:55:56The right is way more sensitive
00:55:58Now, that
00:56:01That joke is very easy to explain to a comedy crowd in a stadium
00:56:10Very tough to explain to the Mumbai police at 8 o'clock in the morning
00:56:13My lawyer and I are getting our files together
00:56:16In front of this Mumbai policeman called Inspector Taapse
00:56:18He wants to get our attention
00:56:21And he's just like, hey
00:56:21Immediately
00:56:26Every molecule in my body just goes, daddy
00:56:29And he looks at me and he's like
00:56:32These jokes you do
00:56:33Are they funny?
00:56:45Inspector Taapse
00:56:46It's like, not all nipples
00:56:47I do the entire routine
00:56:48I look at my lawyer
00:56:50Who looks like she wants to quit the profession of law
00:56:52Because her client is pinching his nipples in a police station
00:56:55Zero response
00:56:57Now, when a joke's not going well
00:56:58A comedian turns the gun on themselves
00:57:00That's how you get the crowd
00:57:01So I'm like
00:57:02Inspector Taapse
00:57:03If I'm actually going to go to jail for jokes
00:57:05So please just
00:57:06Give me two months to commit a real crime
00:57:08And grow a real beard
00:57:11Because I am too tiny
00:57:13And too pretty for jail, sir
00:57:14I will be humped in 15 minutes
00:57:16Finally this man laughs
00:57:19I get the laugh
00:57:20He's like
00:57:21You will be humped in one minute
00:57:23Wait, I will be humped in one minute
00:57:27Or I will be humped for one minute
00:57:29And he said
00:57:30Both
00:57:30But listen
00:57:33You cannot copyright topics in India
00:57:36I'm going to take your statement
00:57:37Tell me everything you just said
00:57:38In Marathi
00:57:39I don't
00:57:42So I'm like
00:57:45Maza
00:57:46Maza
00:57:51Chati gota
00:57:52Maza
00:57:57Chati gota
00:57:58Vegle
00:57:59Ahita
00:58:02He's like
00:58:02Hoye, hoye, hoye
00:58:03Irla kurla
00:58:06Kok suhdiyo
00:58:11You should do that on stage. It's very relatable.
00:58:27Yeah, but it's not really global.
00:58:28And he said, don't be silly. Indian comedy is not global.
00:58:32He writes it all down.
00:58:35Every word.
00:58:36He's like, now I need to confiscate your passport.
00:58:38Hand it over.
00:58:40I hand it over.
00:58:41He puts it five feet away inside a file.
00:58:45Under this paper where some jokes are written.
00:58:49You lose your passport and you're me.
00:58:52God has taken your passport, man.
00:58:54I prayed in that police station.
00:58:58And when I'm laughing, when I'm desperate, I laugh.
00:59:00And he's like, is something funny?
00:59:03And I can, Inspector Taap say, you are writing my joke down word for word in your file.
00:59:09Technically, that's copyright infringement.
00:59:19And he laughs.
00:59:30He's like, you'll write a joke about anything.
00:59:32I'm like, sir, if you let me.
00:59:33Sir, I don't know, but I promise you, when I write the joke, I will be the punchline.
00:59:40And what about me?
00:59:41Sir, you will be an undeniable fact.
00:59:43I promise you.
00:59:46Sir, please, I just need...
00:59:47I will never forget this.
01:00:01You make me look good.
01:00:02Sir, I'm going to make you look like a god.
01:00:11Sir, I'm going to make you look like a god.
01:00:31Go now.
01:00:32Are you happy?
01:00:34I just want to do this before we leave because, you know, I was told I had to.
01:01:02Life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life is vertical.
01:01:31Life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life.
01:01:59Life is vertical.
01:02:09Life is vertical.
01:02:23Life is vertical.
01:02:47Life is vertical.
01:02:51Life is vertical.
01:03:11Life is vertical.
01:03:21You
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