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00:00Hello everybody and welcome back to my YouTube channel or welcome to my YouTube channel.
00:05I'm CallMeChris and you can call me Chris and my hand is healing. What the is that?
00:11I think it's red dye, but I don't know what that's from. Anyway, um, the cut's healing,
00:15slowly healing, doing good. Also smile for me, smile for me. Oh, you got the prettiest teeth.
00:21You got really nice teeth. Hope you know that. So today we are watching TikToks from the weirdest
00:26places of the internet possibly belonging on the dark web. I, I, I, I don't really know.
00:31We're going to watch some weird shit. Let's get into it.
00:40When you get in your bed and get exfoliated from the crumbs.
00:44Ness, ness. We've all come home in a drunken stupor and then you get into bed and you have a
00:49half-eaten pizza. The whole pizza's gone. What are we saying? Half-eaten pizza. And you got a bag of
00:52Doritos beside you when you wake up and then the Dorito cheese and the crust has become part of your
00:57body because you just slept in it all night. Good times. Not that that's ever happened to me.
01:06Is that Chuck E. Cheese? What's up, bitch? He's looking at her like,
01:11you need some Chuck in your cheese? They stamped my tortilla. They stamped my tortilla with an expiration date.
01:18Oh my God. That's crazy. I would kind of, you know what? I would still eat it. I mean,
01:23it's just a little ink. What's ink gonna do to you? You know what? No. Because I, I, I don't want
01:27people being like, oh, call me Chris told me to, to eat ink. So I popped off the top of a lid of a pen,
01:32you know, I just took it like a shot. And then they die. Then I have a lawsuit on my hands. So don't eat
01:36ink. Of course this happens to me. Of course this happens to me. I'm guessing somebody left that
01:41shit in the cycle before me. Oh, they left it in there? I hope that wasn't real. That's creepy.
01:47Why did you smell somebody's bras? Bras don't smell good, boys. You know what it smells like? Sweat.
01:52Probably some Cheeto dust because shit falls down there. Taco Bell. Somebody was not having a Baja Blast.
01:59Stop. Oh my God. Somebody's not having a Baja Blast. Is that from inside or outside? Because I have a
02:07lot of questions about that. If it's from inside, I'm assuming it came from somebody's ass because it's
02:12of Taco Bell. What's this? Okay, I like it. Oh, I do that. That was probably me. I have a red car.
02:23It was probably footage of me at a Taco Bell. No, they didn't. Are those like Trix chips?
02:29No, they didn't do that. Oh, we don't have uh, we don't have Fruity Pebbles or Trix in Canada. So when
02:38I go down to the states, that shit up. America, you guys are just on some other shit with your
02:43snacks. You're just like, okay, we have the most unhealthiest cereal in the world. What else can we
02:49make them into chips? Fantastic. He does sound like anime. Back up all the way to your desk or I will
03:08You saved me. Webkinz that has been at the pharmacy for 10 years. Webkinz. I forgot about
03:14Webkinz. I think you could take them and then you could sign them up on the site and then they like
03:19come to life in the video. Everything's coming back to me now. And I don't know for sure because
03:23I wasn't allowed to have a Webkinz. Mom slept out of everything. I can only, I can only play like
03:28the math games. We get like those CDs and we put them into the computer and I could play like math
03:33games. I'm really aging myself right now. So I'm literally convinced there's a gigantic spider
03:40inside of my ceiling. I haven't looked yet, but I'm, I'm pretty sure he's there. Oh,
03:45it scared the shit out of you. You definitely got a spider in your ceiling. Well, I would call
03:49the exterminator immediately. Is that not the coolest thing I've ever seen? That shower is so
03:54extra. The most extra thing I've ever seen in my life. Oh, she just said it's the most extra thing.
03:58It's like, it's like washing your hair in a warm summer rain. Oh my god, he has lived his entire life,
04:06his entire life to make this shower. It's like washing your hair in a summer rain. I'm so Gary.
04:11I'm sure his name is Gary. Please install this in my house. I just had one installed,
04:15but that I need summer rain shower head right there. Ordering a hundred thousand fire sauce
04:20hot packets from Taco Bell. Oh my god, you just know the people at Taco Bell are just like,
04:28this guy's ass, he's gonna explode. When the simp and the friend group finally got some action.
04:33I finally did it. I finally got bitches. Yes. Yes. Camden is what real estate agents would call
04:42vibrant. You know what that bathroom is? A real estate agent would be like, it's cozy. You know,
04:46it's got like this like cozy little feel. Yeah. That toilet with the shit in it, it's part of the
04:51aesthetic. Yeah. Yeah. It's very, um, very vintage. You know, because it's an old shit.
04:56He's so cute. Come on. Come on. We've all fallen asleep with bread in our hand. Don't lie. If you
05:15have, you gotta like the video and get subscribe. Otherwise we'll slap you across the face with the
05:19croissant. What the heck is that? What is that? If that was in my city, I would know where to go
05:26when I was under the influence because I would just stare at that shit.
05:29It's tenders. Fat, free, boneless tenders. When the have there ever been tenders with bones in them?
05:35Wait, hold on. This shit called Young Chicken. This shit, this shit got an album coming out? Young Chicken.
05:40I know there is a SoundCloud rapper out there somewhere called Young Chicken,
05:45and I'm gonna look it up. I did it for you.
05:48Why are you scared of needles, but not a knife? It's because. Put me in hell, Jay.
05:54It's always so hot in here. God damn. So you gotta be 16 to drive a car,
05:5818 to be considered an adult, and 21 to drink alcohol. But for the low, low price of $19.95,
06:04your eight-year-old can talk to demons. That's actually so f***ed up. That's okay.
06:09We all been there. We've all gotten a Ouija board, just me. All right. Well, sorry, Mom.
06:13She's dead. I hope you're not watching this right now. She's a good Christian lady.
06:19You waking up at 3 a.m. in a 90-degree bedroom to drink a flat McDonald's Sprite.
06:25Oh my god. I've done that. It's with like a diet coke that's like lukewarm,
06:30but you're so thirsty and so lazy you can't get up, so you're just like,
06:35f*** it. And it doesn't quite quench it, but it does enough.
06:40spaghetti. I think you overcooked your spaghetti.
06:44I'm calling the police. That was a crime. Hello? Yes. Freddie Mercury,
06:48what are you, what are you, what are you doing here? Sorry. Good night to everyone except for Asians.
06:54That sounded racist. It's not. It's because it's morning for them now. Good morning, Asians. I'm not r-
07:00You almost got me there. You almost cancelled, but then you went back and you guys, you know,
07:06and they're likely to be taken out of context, though. Be careful there, that's you.
07:08You're near the water, and I turn around, I see this.
07:12Hello, studios.
07:13But where's the cord going? It goes to nowhere. Her books are on the ground. This looks like
07:18she has given up. And you know what? I don't blame you. I gave up too on school. You know what,
07:22kids? Just give up.
07:23I'm just kidding. Stay in school, kids. You don't want to be like me. This crazy lady is
07:32picking all the rocks. On the bed? Yeah, why on the bed? The white bed? Yeah, you know what,
07:37uh, uh, uh, white people do the darndest things, don't we? What is that? I'm a turtle.
07:45A mother f***ing turtle. Can't even be mad. That's right, sweetie. That is a mother f***ing turtle.
07:50Chicken? Tell me you like chicken. Tell me you like chicken and a little hot sauce, baby.
07:54Ew, that is raw chicken. That's f***ing gross. Subway mother f***es with the damn mayo.
08:00Mayo is always out at, uh, Subway. That is, uh, relatable and funny. Why am I crying right now?
08:08Would anybody else like to non-consensually smack my muffin?
08:13That's what I say when I'm in public. Think about it. Stop thinking about it.
08:18Buying this? Who's buying this? Dr. Pepper Beans? Rat! You nasty mother f***.
08:24What time is it, you may ask me? Let me just check my Hannah Montana alarm clock.
08:30Nice. Jealous.
08:36Oh, can he not read time like me?
08:40It's 4 35.
08:44You already know what it is. Why can I not read clocks? I learned it in school and I never,
08:51it never went into my brain. Anybody else, you gotta like the video if you also can't read a regular
08:55analog clock. I could stare at it forever. If somebody asks me what time it is and there's
09:00only an analog clock in the room, I have a panic attack. I'm just like, and my phone will be
09:06dead and I'll be like, I don't know. It's time to f***ing leave. That's what time it is.
09:10Tell me what you thought that was.
09:11That is not a kunai. That is a butt plug attached to your fucking chain.
09:15It's not a butt plug, Parrish.
09:18Okay. Do it then. Put it right now. Do it.
09:21All right, bend over.
09:22Oh my god.
09:22Why the hell am I doing it?
09:23Because you're the dumbass you brought.
09:26Listen, I know what a butt plug looks like and that's not it.
09:29Just kidding. Just kidding.
09:30Also, side note, this guy's hair looks like he would sing.
09:33Because tonight would be the night that I will fall for you over again.
09:42When your butt itches but you fart hard, but you fart hard enough to scratch it.
09:47We've all been there.
09:49Those sides of the pillow fit to be cold.
09:51What the f*** is in your freezer? Is that a candle? Is that Putin? What is Putin saying?
09:55Give that slice of... I can't read it.
09:58I'm gonna try putting my pillow in the freezer like that.
10:00Oh, you got Ben and Cherries. That's good. Halo tops, some briars. That's good.
10:03But the candle, the trophy, and Putin, sir.
10:07You know that feeds four people, right?
10:09I have to show you something what I do.
10:13Um...
10:14I understand.
10:15And I hate when people say that.
10:16They're just like, okay, yeah, but like there's two of us.
10:18So like, let's just get like the dinner for two.
10:20And I'm just like,
10:21Bitch, I eat for six.
10:23In case of an emergency, this is the most important factor in the house.
10:27Okay.
10:27Very important.
10:28All right.
10:30What is it?
10:32Look at that alcohol drawer.
10:35Grandma fitting to get cropped.
10:38Dolores, I know her name's Dolores.
10:39Dolores, if there is any emergency, I'm coming over and we're gonna get lit.
10:45We won't drink too much.
10:49Is he trying to cut pizza with a can opener?
10:52Listen, I've been lit before.
10:53Not lit enough to try to cut a pizza with a can opener.
10:56At that point, why don't you just lift the pizza up and take a bite out of it?
10:59Why am I British again?
11:06Sir?
11:06I know it's an optical illusion, but like...
11:11I don't like it.
11:12I don't like it.
11:13I don't like it.
11:13I don't like it.
11:14Make it go away, Jay.
11:15Make it go away.
11:16Update on my night.
11:17It is 2.30 in the morning.
11:18I just got home.
11:19Soulja Boy threw 12 ones at me.
11:23Oh.
11:24He took two videos on my phone and he poured Hennessy directly into my mouth.
11:29Love that.
11:30Bitch is winning.
11:31Bitch is living.
11:32Bitch is...
11:35Baby or when daddy says stop making tornadoes indoors.
11:38I did your baby.
11:40But you still had to say okay mom.
11:41I did your baby.
11:43Aww.
11:43He's so cute.
11:44You tried to fight me and I'm a woman.
11:48Long's a steal.
11:49I don't have gag reflex either.
11:53So when I brush my tongue, when I brush my...
11:54Oh my god.
11:55That's how you get out of a ticket.
11:58Not that I would know.
11:59Hello.
12:00Hello.
12:01Would you like to buy some steamed beans?
12:07Sir, this is a Denny's?
12:08All right guys, my buddy's car has a train horn on it.
12:11I'm going to tell my brother to take a look at the headlights out front to make sure they're working.
12:14Oh god.
12:15Oh god.
12:16Well, can you see if that...
12:17The heart's going to stop.
12:17Can you see if the things that...
12:18The headlights are good?
12:24You mother fucker.
12:25Oh my...
12:26I can't hear what I'm talking.
12:27It's all a joke till Jerry can't hear anymore.
12:31Why am I British again?
12:32I heard a penis referred to as a meat candle today.
12:36Ruined my day.
12:37Immediate bad day.
12:57Needs my day.
13:12If a person in my head...
13:13Your feet will descend.
13:14They're loose...
13:14...
13:15Have a very nice day!
13:15I appreciate it.
13:16On your head...
13:16...
13:16Shield.
13:17Extend or breast.
13:18Greta.
13:18Youmake both in your head...
13:20...
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