- yesterday
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 16 Episode 4
#CinemaSeriesUSFilm
🎞 Please join
https://t.me/CinemaSeriesUSFilm
#CinemaSeriesUSFilm
🎞 Please join
https://t.me/CinemaSeriesUSFilm
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00In the burning hut, just about to burst, there's a crystal...
00:07Frank! Frank, come on, man! We gotta go! We gotta go!
00:10Well, what? Come on, man, we're gonna miss it!
00:12Wake up, wake up! Come on!
00:14Okay!
00:15Wait!
00:16Wait!
00:17Wait!
00:18Wait!
00:19No, no, please!
00:20You're getting pretty close there, pal.
00:21I feel like I gotta take a shit!
00:22No, no, no, no, no, there's no time for that.
00:23Oh, God, excuse me, come on.
00:24No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:25I'm not ready for this.
00:26Listen, listen, you got it, you got it, you got it.
00:27Listen to me.
00:28Please, back off.
00:29You are ready.
00:30Everything you need is already inside you.
00:34Move!
00:35No, out of the way!
00:59Get us, please.
01:00No!
01:01Please, please.
01:02Pretty, please, just help me, please.
01:03No!
01:04No, Mac!
01:05I'm not helping you, okay?
01:06Stop talking to me about Johnny!
01:07Well, hey, I can help you with your guy troubles.
01:08No thanks, Dee.
01:09You suck with men.
01:10Tell that to the guy leaving my apartment this morning.
01:11That's right.
01:12Your girl got her guts pumped last night.
01:13Oh, my God, that is disgusting!
01:14Your guts pumped?
01:15Aren't you like 60?
01:16Yeah, come on, Dee.
01:17You're not a girl!
01:18This is insane.
01:19I mean...
01:20Who talks like that?
01:21Really, and by the way, anybody can get a guy to bang him once.
01:22Okay.
01:23Well, I guarantee you he'll be coming back for seconds.
01:24In fact, he pulled an old move of mine.
01:26He took my phone by mistake so that he could see me again.
01:27Oh.
01:28Okay.
01:29Yeah.
01:30How's he gonna call you?
01:31Dennis, can you help me with my phone?
01:32No.
01:33No.
01:34No.
01:35No.
01:36No.
01:37No.
01:38No.
01:39No.
01:40No.
01:41No.
01:42No.
01:43No.
01:44No.
01:45No.
01:46No.
01:47No.
01:48No.
01:49No.
01:50No.
01:51No.
01:52No.
01:53No.
01:54No.
01:55Dennis, can you help me with my phone?
01:56No.
01:57Dennis, Dennis, I need your help really quick, man.
01:58No!
01:59Do you remember we stole a restaurant buzzer the other day?
02:01I can't find it anywhere.
02:02It's a matter of national security here, man.
02:03Oh, yes.
02:04No, no.
02:05I'm sure.
02:06Yeah.
02:07You know what?
02:08Let me check the back office.
02:09Frank, let me check the back office.
02:10Frank, could you help me with something?
02:11Yeah.
02:12Are you kidding?
02:13You want Frank's help with your guy troubles?
02:14He's insanely homophobic.
02:15Not anymore.
02:16No.
02:17Once Mac did the dance, then I get it.
02:19I get the gay thing.
02:20He gets it.
02:21He's an ally now.
02:22Okay, so Frank, I need some relationship advice.
02:23Yeah.
02:24I'm having some issues with this guy that I'm dating.
02:26I want to take it to the next level, you know, by actually meeting this guy.
02:30Well, you never met the guy?
02:31No.
02:32Never met him.
02:33Never spoken with him.
02:34Never seen him.
02:35But it's not weird, because we're in constant communication through the beads.
02:38The beads?
02:39Oh, yes.
02:40The extra large anal beads that I shoved up my butt.
02:43And Johnny can control them via an app on his phone.
02:47And when I feel the buzz, I know it's time to go to the motel and wait.
02:50It's very romantic.
02:52Yes, he's never actually showed up before, but one day he will and it's going to be hot.
02:58That's it.
02:59I'm out.
03:00I'm out.
03:01That's it.
03:02I don't get it.
03:03I am never going to get it.
03:05Beads.
03:06You never said anything about beads.
03:07Let me explain it again.
03:08It's beads that go into my ass.
03:09The dance never said anything about no beads.
03:11Frank, I found it.
03:12I found it.
03:13I found it.
03:14Let's get the hell out of here.
03:15We got it, guys.
03:16We're good.
03:17Anal beads up his head.
03:18Dennis, can you please help me get my phone back?
03:19Because I need my phone.
03:20No, Dennis, help me, though.
03:21Help me.
03:22No, you are beyond help, okay?
03:23You let a stranger hack your butthole, Dennis.
03:25Enough.
03:26It is clear that I'm not going to get a moment's peace until I foist you two off on someone
03:31else, so fine.
03:32I will help you.
03:33Okay.
03:34Okay.
03:35Let's go.
03:36This is all I could find.
03:39No, this is good.
03:41Okay, are there like a pair of like weird spy glasses in here or anything?
03:45Ah, shit.
03:46They dropped all those charges weeks ago.
03:47What?
03:48Call you back.
03:49Hey, what are you guys doing with all my research equipment?
03:52Charlie and Frank are going to play spies.
03:54Yeah, well, we're not playing spies.
03:55We're playing chess, okay?
03:56There's a Russian grandmaster coming to town.
03:58I'm entering Frank in a tournament, and then he's going to rise to the ranks, and he's
04:01going to beat this guy's ass, USA style.
04:03So I need the glasses, Uncle Jack, because Frank's got to be able to transmit me the board
04:07while I play along on a computer and I signal him the moves with the restaurant buzzer.
04:10Oh, stop, stop, stop.
04:11You're going to break it.
04:12This is very sensitive equipment.
04:14Right, yeah, okay.
04:15Look, do you have the spy glasses or not, dude?
04:17Fine.
04:18I'll let you borrow them, but I'm coming with.
04:19Okay?
04:20I don't want you breaking any of this.
04:21A play date.
04:22Oh, yeah, like we used to.
04:25We never did, man.
04:27We never did.
04:28You don't remember.
04:31I mean, why is taking Uncle Jack so long?
04:33Why don't we just go in?
04:34Hang on.
04:41What the?
04:42Holy shit.
04:43Uncle Jack, what is this?
04:47My ice cream truck.
04:48You know, I have like a side business.
04:51All right, fine.
04:52You know what?
04:53Actually, this could work.
04:54You got the spy glasses?
04:55Yeah.
04:56All right.
04:57Here's how this goes.
04:58Frank, you got the buzzer?
04:59Yeah, I got the buzzer.
05:00All right, so Frank's got a buzzer in his pocket, okay?
05:01I'll put it in my pocket.
05:02So he'll hover his hand over the piece, you know, one buzz for yes, two buzzes for no,
05:05three if you need him to switch to a different piece, okay?
05:07Same goes for where to put it down.
05:08Got it?
05:09Okay.
05:10Give me a push pop, will you?
05:11And get him a push pop.
05:12What?
05:13Oh, no.
05:14I don't have any ice cream.
05:15Oh, my God.
05:16All right, fine.
05:17Just...
05:18Just...
05:19Get to your spot and play the...
05:20Okay.
05:21Hey.
05:22I'll be watching you.
05:23Oh.
05:24Hmm.
05:25Hmm.
05:26Should I go here?
05:29Or should I go here?
05:33Charlie, don't look at the kid.
05:34Look at the board.
05:35Actually, one quick look at the kid again so I can get a screen grab.
05:38Gross.
05:39Gross.
05:40No, man.
05:41No.
05:42No?
05:43No, not you.
05:44Sorry.
05:45Talking to the voices in my head.
05:46So...
05:47Stay on the board.
05:48Yep.
05:49Yes.
05:50Don't mind my friend.
05:51He's schizophrenic.
05:52I am.
05:53Yeah, yeah.
05:54Got it.
05:55Boom.
05:56Boom.
05:57I took your little castle-y thing.
05:58Suck on that, boy!
06:00If he does, let me get another screen grab.
06:02Shut up, dude.
06:03That's gross, man.
06:04Uh-oh.
06:05Uh-oh.
06:06Uh-oh.
06:07Sir, may I have a word with you?
06:08Um, absolutely not, because I'm in the middle of watching a game of chess.
06:11Uh, there is no alcohol allowed on the premises.
06:14What?
06:15What do you mean?
06:16Like, I gotta drink wine or something?
06:17No alcohol at all.
06:19At a sporting event?
06:20That's crazy.
06:21Fine, dude.
06:22Here you go.
06:23Frank, I'm gonna have to find some way to sneak beer in here.
06:26Excuse me?
06:27Dude, are you still here?
06:28Go away!
06:29I gave you the beer, man!
06:32Now, as you're both aware, I have a foolproof system for attracting a woman.
06:37But, I also have a foolproof system for attracting a man.
06:42Oh!
06:43Awesome!
06:44Wait!
06:45Why?
06:46How come?
06:47Shh!
06:48Shh!
06:49Okay, now it begins with me setting you both up with nice, normal dates.
06:56You will begin by greeting them with the traditional pleasantries.
06:59Very nice to meet you, Patrick.
07:00Kyle, it's a pleasure.
07:02Pleasure's all mine.
07:04I'll be nearby, of course, to make sure nothing goes awry.
07:09Step one.
07:11S. Suppress your instincts.
07:14See, your first instinct is going to be to try to make yourself seem awesome to him.
07:18But that's wrong, because this isn't about you.
07:20This is a man we're talking about.
07:22It's always about him.
07:24Okay?
07:25So you're going to, I, inflate his ego.
07:29Make him feel like he's awesome.
07:31He's funny.
07:32He's the most interesting person in the room.
07:35You're the most interesting person in this room.
07:37Oh, oh, oh.
07:38Hi.
07:39Hello.
07:40I just wanted to come over and introduce myself.
07:42I'm the manager of the establishment.
07:44Yes, I was just saying that he's the most interesting man in the room.
07:46Yeah.
07:47You know, I caught that, actually.
07:49And I wanted to say to you that Mac does, in fact, know everyone here, which he would, of course, have to in order to have said something like that.
08:00So it's meaningful.
08:01Now, once your man's feeling important, you're going to show him that you, N, need his power.
08:10See, every man's greatest fear is that he's a pussy.
08:14Hmm.
08:15You need to make him feel powerful.
08:17Oh, boy.
08:18Ugh.
08:19Oh, man.
08:22I just can't seem to get this open.
08:24Do you think you could help me out?
08:25Sure.
08:30Well, this is really untight.
08:32Are you being serious?
08:34Oh, Christ, Bozo.
08:35Give it back to me.
08:36I'll do it.
08:37Oh, no.
08:38You can't.
08:39You can't.
08:40You couldn't.
08:41No one could.
08:42Because these bottles are all, uh, they're defective and unopenable.
08:46Yeah, there's been a recall, actually.
08:48See?
08:49It's impossible.
08:50Nobody can get these open today.
08:52I can't.
08:53Yeah.
08:54You know what?
08:55You do look very, very strong.
08:56You...
08:57You mind giving this one more shot for me?
08:59Let's see if you can get it.
09:00I...
09:01Oh!
09:02Whoa!
09:03Wow!
09:04Wow.
09:07Now that your man's feeling powerful on top of the world, you must rip it away from him.
09:13You're going to N negate his power.
09:16Okay?
09:17But this needs to be subtle.
09:18A man's ego is fragile.
09:21The goal here is to make him feel that he may be a tad bit inadequate.
09:25In comparison, maybe, to a former lover.
09:28Yeah?
09:29But don't lay it on too thick.
09:30Mm.
09:31Subtle.
09:32Mm-hmm.
09:33I used to fuck LeBron James.
09:36Oh, God.
09:39Now, even if things have gone a little off the rails at this point, we can get things back on track with a classic.
09:44E.
09:45Engage physically.
09:47Hey-o!
09:48Yeah.
09:49Yeah.
09:50But you gotta make sure that your physical engagement is appropriate to the environment, okay?
09:54Your demeanor wants to remain elegant and classy.
09:57Right.
09:58Mm.
09:59Got it.
10:04What are you doing?
10:05I'm grabbing a ding dong.
10:07No!
10:08No.
10:09Yeah.
10:10And now for the final step.
10:12The most profound move of the entire system.
10:17D.
10:20Do you want a tissue?
10:22Huh?
10:23Huh?
10:24You see, with this one simple but profound question, you instantly transport this man back to a time when he was a tiny, snot-nosed little bitch,
10:30who depended on the most important person in his life for absolutely everything.
10:33The person who inflated his ego, who made him feel powerful, but also powerless.
10:39The person whose validation he's been seeking his entire life.
10:45Guys, the way to make a man fall in love with you is to make him feel like you are his mommy.
10:56Well, it's getting late.
10:58Yeah.
10:59Yeah, we should probably call it.
11:01I have, uh, one thing that I'd like to ask you.
11:04Um, do you need a tissue?
11:07Do you need a tissue?
11:09What?
11:10What?
11:11You need a tissue.
11:12You need a tissue.
11:13Oh.
11:14Oh, really?
11:15Ah.
11:16Just, that's embarrassing.
11:17Hang on.
11:18Alright, stop it.
11:19There we go.
11:20Come here.
11:21There we go.
11:23Now, my little man is all ready for his day.
11:27Before, they wanted nothing more than this date to be over.
11:30But now, they can't help but ask.
11:33Hey, um, any chance would you want to do this again sometime?
11:40Hmm.
11:41It worked.
11:42And there you have it.
11:43That, my friends, is the SIND system.
11:47Oh!
11:48Whoa!
11:49Amazing!
11:50Crazy creepy, though, with all the mom stuff.
11:51Oh, yeah, very creepy.
11:52Very creepy.
11:53And the name's a little heavy-handed.
11:54Yeah, it took a lot to get there.
11:56It's not as clean as the dentist system.
11:58Right.
11:59Well, yeah, but listen, the dentist system, that's a system for getting a woman.
12:01This is a system for getting a man.
12:02And that's why SIND is actually Dennis Backwards.
12:07Oh, my God!
12:08That's amazing!
12:09How did that line up like that?
12:10Yeah, like, what are the odds, though?
12:11Oh, wow!
12:12The odds of what?
12:13What are the odds that the steps to the system would be Dennis Backwards and that they
12:21would spell out the word SIND?
12:22Hi!
12:23Hi.
12:24Because I made it up.
12:25Oh!
12:26Oh, my.
12:27He did it on purpose!
12:28Ew!
12:29Hey!
12:30What's up, guys?
12:31You know what?
12:32I got to say, I'm still, like, buzzing from last night.
12:33Got a little hairy there for a second, didn't it?
12:34Yeah.
12:35Yeah, but we pulled it off.
12:36We sure did.
12:37We really did.
12:38We really did.
12:39Success!
12:40All right, so talk to me.
12:41When are those second dates?
12:42Ooh, yeah.
12:43No, that's not happening.
12:44What do you mean, that's not happening?
12:45Well, I got home last night and I found myself real horny, so I popped a couple of Mommy's
12:50Magic Beans and headed over to Kyle's house.
12:51Roofie's.
12:52Roofie's.
12:53Roofie's.
12:54Roofie's.
12:55Yeah, not 100% sure if we plowed or not, but I do know I got this.
13:00You stole his phone.
13:01Yeah, well, I'll be honest, the details are a bit hazy still, but I do know I stole somebody's
13:06phone.
13:07And you?
13:08Oh, I'm not doing it either.
13:09Yeah!
13:10Yeah, but I have a good reason, Dennis.
13:11I have a really good reason, because I'm not a rapist and a thief like Dee is.
13:15I'm just a boy in love.
13:16I'm a boy in love with Johnny, and I realize that I have to be with him.
13:19Well, no, see, I don't have to be with him.
13:22I don't have to be with him.
13:24Well, no, see, that's, that's the thing.
13:26Johnny doesn't love you.
13:27He doesn't even like you.
13:29You don't know him.
13:30No, no, no.
13:31You don't know him.
13:32I know him better than you.
13:33Do you?
13:34Because I am him.
13:36What?
13:37I invented Johnny as a means of getting you out of the apartment when you were irritating
13:41me.
13:42I don't understand.
13:43Okay, like when Johnny sent you out to go get those soft shell crabs, you remember
13:46that?
13:47Yeah.
13:48Yeah, and he was supposed to meet you, but he didn't.
13:49No.
13:50And so you came sauntering back in the house and all depressed, and I was like, well,
13:53I'll tell you what, buddy.
13:54I'll eat the soft shell crabs.
13:56They are my favorite.
13:57And I said, oh my God, what a coincidence, because they're, they're Johnny's favorite,
14:01too.
14:02Yeah, because I am Johnny.
14:03Then who's Dennis?
14:04What do you mean?
14:05Well, if you're Johnny, then who, who's you?
14:06I'm Dennis.
14:07I've always been Dennis.
14:08Let me, let me, this is going to make it all clear.
14:10This is my phone.
14:11And when I push a certain button.
14:12Wait, hold on, hold on a second.
14:14What?
14:15Johnny's buzzing me.
14:16I got, look.
14:17No, I pushed the button.
14:18I haven't heard from him in a while.
14:19And I'm going to the motel.
14:20I got to meet him.
14:21Mac, I'm sorry.
14:22Johnny, I pushed the button on my phone.
14:23I can't engage with you on this right now.
14:24I got to, I got to go see Johnny.
14:25Dennis.
14:26Dennis.
14:27I need your help, man.
14:28I need your help.
14:29No.
14:30No.
14:31I am done helping people.
14:32Dude, we're so close, man.
14:33We're in the finals.
14:34Yeah?
14:35I don't care.
14:36And there's no way I'm going to be able to sneak a restaurant buzzer in now.
14:37No, I'm not.
14:38Because Dennis, I need your help.
14:39I don't care.
14:40I've been controlling Frank using the restaurant buzzer, okay?
14:42Wait, wait, wait.
14:43And it's a perfect plan.
14:44Hold on a second.
14:46Sorry, did you just say you've been controlling Frank like a pawn in a game, like a puppet?
14:55I didn't say any of those words.
14:57But yeah, I've been controlling Frank in chess, yes.
15:00Very interesting.
15:01And Frank's been aware of the puppetry the entire time.
15:04Yeah, of course, he's in on it.
15:05But dude, it's over, right?
15:06Unless you know a way I can sneak something into this tournament that vibrates.
15:12I think I may have a way, but Frank's not going to like it.
15:18Dee, got any more of those magic beans?
15:21Yeah.
15:22Because we're going to need to turn the lights out.
15:29Frank! Frank, get up!
15:30Oh, what?
15:31Wake up! Wake up, man!
15:32We're late!
15:33Okay, what?
15:34We're going to miss it, dude!
15:36Move!
15:37Huh?
15:38No, out of the way!
15:39Jesus Christ.
15:40You're getting pretty close there, pal.
15:41I feel like I got a stick of shit.
15:42No shit!
15:43No, no, no.
15:44There's no time for that.
15:45Yeah, I'm not ready for this.
15:46No, no, listen to me.
15:47Listen to me.
15:48You are ready.
15:49Everything you need is already inside you.
15:51Move!
15:52Huh?
15:53No, out of the way!
15:54The excitement here is palpable.
15:55At last, the moment we've all been waiting for, Mr. Reynolds is about to make his first move.
16:10You got this, Frank!
16:11You got this, man!
16:12I don't know what I'm doing.
16:13Hey, Frank!
16:14Trust your gut!
16:15Oh!
16:16Oh!
16:17Oh!
16:18Oh!
16:19Oh!
16:20Oh!
16:21Oh!
16:22Oh!
16:23Oh!
16:24Oh!
16:25Oh!
16:26Oh!
16:27Oh!
16:28Oh!
16:29Oh!
16:30Oh!
16:31Oh!
16:32Oh!
16:33Oh!
16:34Oh!
16:35He seems a little uncomfortable, Susan.
16:37Just think about the incredible amount of pressure he's feeling right now.
16:41Oh!
16:42Oh!
16:43Oh!
16:44Oh!
16:45Oh!
16:46Oh!
16:47Oh!
16:48Oh!
16:49Oh!
16:50Oh!
16:51Oh!
16:52Oh!
16:53Oh!
16:54Oh!
16:55Oh!
16:56Oh!
16:57Oh!
16:58Oh!
16:59Oh!
17:00Oh!
17:01Oh, God!
17:02You don't have to do this.
17:03You don't have to do it.
17:04Should I go here?
17:06Oh!
17:07Oh!
17:08Oh!
17:09Oh!
17:10Dad.
17:11There.
17:12Oh!
17:13Oh!
17:14Oh!
17:15Oh!
17:16Oh!
17:17Oh!
17:18Oh!
17:19Take it down.
17:22Take it down.
17:23Take it down.
17:34You have to do this!
17:38Should I go there?
17:47Hey, Dennis.
17:48Oh, man.
17:49I had the craziest night last night,
17:50because I think I, like, blacked out,
17:52and then when I woke up,
17:53I think that Johnny broke up with me,
17:54because he was gone.
17:55Mac, I can't do this right now.
17:57Here!
18:00Here!
18:01Don't lose your shit, man!
18:02Don't lose your shit!
18:03A language warning for anybody watching at home.
18:08Nice.
18:09I am Johnny!
18:10I don't know how else to tell you!
18:12Look, I have the texts.
18:13I will show you the texts.
18:14Look, these are the texts that I sent to you
18:17from my phone!
18:18Oh, my God!
18:19You have Johnny's phone!
18:21This is mine!
18:22Get him to me!
18:23Get him to me!
18:24Get him to me, Johnny!
18:25Get him to me!
18:26Get him to me!
18:27Oh, Craig!
18:29Please!
18:30You motherfucker!
18:31Oh, God!
18:32It won't go down?
18:33It won't go down!
18:34What have you done?
18:36Whoo-hoo!
18:37Take him!
18:38Take him!
18:39Take him!
18:40Take him!
18:41Take him!
18:42Take him!
18:43It won't go down.
18:45It won't go down!
18:47What if you're done?
18:49Take my kid! Take my kid!
18:51Take him! Take him!
19:05KD2! KD2!
19:07Checkmate! What a brilliant endgame by Reynolds!
19:10He won! He won!
19:13Take one!
19:18Get him out! Get him out!
19:20Bring him out! Bring him out!
19:22Bring him out! Bring him out!
19:23Bring him out!
19:24Bring him out!
19:25Bring him out!
19:26Bring him out!
19:27Don't just put me in half, Kelly!
19:29One!
19:30USA!
19:31USA!
19:32USA!
19:33Kelly!
19:34Get away!
19:35Get away!
19:38In a warrior's cult, there's no surrender
19:42Though his body says stop
19:45His spirit cries
19:47Never deep in our soul
19:49I quite remember
19:51Knows it's you against you
19:54It's the paradise that drives us all
19:59It's the battle of wills
20:02In the heat of attack
20:04It's the passion that kills
20:06The victory shows alive
20:10A-LOCK!
20:11To his reason
20:12I'm not lo-
20:13Call the-
20:14I'm not lo-
20:15I'm not lo-
20:16I'm not lo-
20:17Transcription by CastingWords
Recommended
21:20
|
Up next
0:30