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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 15 Episode 6
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Transcript
00:00get the stew right up under her nose okay and let it waft up in she keeps moving and her hair
00:11keeps getting in the stew hey guys guys you can stop stew has never woken anyone up ever
00:16all right fine but i feel like the stew no see it's all right it's where she comes hey
00:22oh don't worry dude that woke you up oh what happened oh don't worry we're uh safe and sound
00:29in patty's pub wow we're back home oh no no no it's uh patty's with a t yeah p-a-t-t what is going on
00:37what what what time is it what day is it wait did i miss the thing what thing oh the show oh yeah
00:42you still want to do that you still want to do that that's not going to happen oh god damn you
00:48you're not going to be able to walk back to the city because we're way out in the
00:51what no oh god damn it
01:00i cannot believe you guys did this to me
01:29can you please be grateful about this experience i mean take it in will you here we are we're in
01:34this charming little pub you can smell fresh peat grass burning in the fireplace you know well along
01:39with the uh the evidence of frank's involvement in a sex trafficking ring alleged yeah yeah dude look
01:44you got to embrace this you know all you're doing is complaining this place is amazing
01:47with the exception of all the sheep wool is that not bothering anybody else no because we don't have
01:53covid like you do you're sick no i don't have covid even the beer here sucks will you look at this it's
01:58all foam what are you doing oh sorry we we run our own bar so i forget and sometimes i serve myself
02:06i'm just gonna squeak by actually while i got you here pal can i ask you a question do you know a fella
02:10in this town goes by the name of shelly kelly yeah everybody knows him he's the uh local uh cheese
02:15monger oh he's a cheese mongrel wow i did not know he's a mongrel um how severe is it can can he
02:23walk does he drool or monger cheese monger cheese monger mom cheese why are you saying it that way is
02:29he a mongrel or monster that's all i want to know i wonder if he's cute who your brother the cheese
02:34monster do not have sex with my brother mac you know when i was irish first and i then i wanted to
02:40find out what my heritage was but now that i'm gay first and that's my identity that maybe i should
02:44just be plowing a bunch of dudes and maybe a bunch of cheese monsters i don't know stop
02:48will you just shut up okay identity doesn't have to factor into absolutely every decision you make
02:55all right if a man wants to stand he doesn't go oh what would a dutchman do would a dutchman stand
02:59okay and if an italian wants to eat a sandwich he doesn't go i have to eat plates of spaghetti
03:04because i'm an italian he just eats the goddamn sandwich okay oh you fool if you want to go out
03:10and bang every single guy in ireland just go bang every guy in ireland and forget what your
03:14identity has to do with it or you could just find one guy fall in love get in a relationship
03:18and shut the hell up about it please stop doing that oh come on man if i gotta stop mid-rent
03:23every time i want to order a beer it's gonna interrupt my flow right why don't you just keep
03:27track of what we're drinking and charge it to our individual rooms well there's only one room
03:31hmm one room what how's that gonna work that's good that's good all of us crammed into one will
03:38infested room that sounds good you want an authentic european experience that's what it is that's too
03:43authentic okay i'm not i'm not i'm not staying here i'm gonna rent a castle wait for me i'm not staying
03:49either i tell you what i'm not paying for this beer okay because you can barely swallow this sludge
03:53oh dennis hey you should let me do the talking in there okay why why because if you cough in there
04:11they're not going to run us the castle because they're going to know you have covid do you bitch
04:14i don't have covid okay i'm not gonna cough in there you think i can't pinch off a cough
04:19i will do the talking
04:21hi there beautiful day isn't it grand as you say i think what they say is top of the morning
04:33nah that's a stereotype yeah excuse my sister she's uh not very good at talking uh so we are
04:39actually here looking for uh oh oh gosh you okay there dennis
04:48huh looks like i'll be doing the talking uh we will be looking for a castle and we are very
04:57interested in modern amenities please you know your thermostats and your remotes and shit like that
05:02are you jotting any of this down yeah right so sorry you caught me a little off guard is all
05:08so you're looking for a castle
05:09is he all right
05:13yeah he's okay well yes and no you know what it is he's a mongrel
05:22and that's why i've always been the talker
05:25oh boy did you hear that yeah here he goes here he goes
05:29yeah we have to keep him in the basement in america because one of his tics is that he brutally
05:35masturbates himself oh yeah yeah he does a real number on it yeah he's he shredded it down to a
05:42little tiny little nub at this point is what it is no no he's saying down there there's barely
05:47anything left that's what he's saying there's nothing left down there yeah so um i don't see you
05:53doing a lot of castle searching
05:55he's also allergic to sheep
06:08come on come on out
06:15you bastard
06:18hello sir
06:21well sorry
06:22i'm just uh just bashing some rats
06:25i get it it's cool don't worry about it i bash a lot of rats in my business too and rats love cheese so i imagine
06:31you get a lot of them here
06:33split the place for rats
06:34how can i help you
06:36uh right well uh i'm looking for uh uh a young man named shelly kelly is he around
06:40i'm shelly kelly who's asking
06:43oh i'm sorry i i'm looking for a younger man uh i'm looking for the young shelly kelly is he around
06:50hey do you mind if i sample some of your jellies
06:53oh no go on help yourself
06:55delightful
06:56well i'm i'm the only shelly kelly around here that i know of
07:02oh this is the tits right here
07:06right here that doesn't make sense see see shelly kelly is a is a kid like me uh we're pen pals
07:12ah sweet jesus
07:15charlie
07:17yeah that's a miss it's got something in it like sand it's full of sand
07:22yeah i'm charlie
07:24hmm i know what it is it's seeds is there seeds in it and there's too many of them
07:31is a lot of seeds
07:32it's mission the pink hara charlie
07:35uh tabroner
07:37uh
07:37uh
07:38uh
07:40uh
07:40uh
07:41is fedalum jibber shalei av och me fedalum ee laward
07:44ha ha ha
07:45he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he she ha laward an ish
07:49It's a bad one, I was buried in there, it's going to be in here all week, oh god, what'd
08:12I miss?
08:13Hello, hello, hello?
08:18Oh, father, father, father, I've got news, I've got wonderful news.
08:23Okay, so, I used to be Irish, and now I'm Dutch.
08:27Of course, I was badass the entire time, but when you surround yourself with people who
08:30aren't as badass as you, that tends to be quite isolating.
08:34The point is, I was confused.
08:37To be honest with you, I wanted to run through a bunch of pipe, if you know what I mean, well,
08:40you know what I mean, but then I decided, you know what, I only want one man inside of
08:46me.
08:47The big man.
08:47The big man upstairs, the only man that can fill me up.
08:51Well, and his son.
08:52And the Holy Spirit.
08:53I'll take all three of them at once.
08:55I've done that before.
08:56That was more in a physical sense, not a spiritual one, and believe me, it was messy.
09:01Totally worth it, though.
09:02I loved it.
09:03Either way, father, what I have decided is that the most important aspect of my identity,
09:09it's not being gay.
09:10It's not being Irish.
09:11It's not being badass.
09:12It's being Catholic.
09:13Therefore, I want to become a Catholic priest.
09:18Well, that's nice to hear.
09:24Perhaps we could talk at a more appropriate time.
09:27Oh, yeah, sorry.
09:33Sorry, everybody.
09:34I'll just get in the back of the line, and then I'll get the cracker, and then we'll
09:36talk later.
09:37Okay.
09:38Oh, God damn it.
09:43What the hell is this?
09:44That realtor screwed us, probably because you caused a scene.
09:48What are you talking about, Dee?
09:49This place is amazing.
09:50I mean, I saw an old bell tower outside in what I think used to be a moat.
09:54Okay, this place is perfect.
09:55This place is not perfect.
09:57It's a ruin.
09:58We can't sleep here.
10:00Dee, I'm sure there's, like, a furnished area with, like, bedrooms and shit somewhere.
10:03I mean, what, do you want to walk into a castle and have it feel like a Hyatt?
10:06I mean, where's the charm in that?
10:08Whoa.
10:09This place has a dark past.
10:11Murder, betrayal, beheadings.
10:13Well, you know, it's a castle, Dee.
10:16You know, people were going crazy in castles all the time, and beheading people, well, that
10:19was just their way of solving problems back then, you know?
10:22That's 10th century charm for you.
10:26Yeah.
10:26This was in 2008.
10:29What?
10:29Yeah, a mother went insane and beheaded all four children.
10:33Just chopped their heads right off.
10:34Well, that, that is, that's decidedly less charming, isn't it?
10:37It's a little less charming.
10:37I'm not sleeping here, Dennis.
10:38It's very creepy.
10:39No, Dee, this is going to be great.
10:40Trust me.
10:41It's going to be awesome, okay?
10:42Just, I don't care for all the sheep, though.
10:45That's, that's my only thing.
10:47All what sheep?
10:48We haven't seen a sheep.
10:49The sheep, the sheep.
10:50I'm sure they've been passing through.
10:52They've been passing through the, into the castle?
10:53But why else would I be coughing and wheezing?
10:55You have COVID.
10:57To Charlie, my son.
10:59To the dad I didn't know I had.
11:04Well, I'm just sorry that I didn't get a chance to see you growing up.
11:07Yeah.
11:08And for what it's worth, I did love your mother.
11:12So did I.
11:13We all did.
11:15A wonderful woman.
11:16I banged her, too.
11:17All right, well, my mom got around.
11:20Well, yeah.
11:21All right, this is jammed in there.
11:23What do you call it?
11:24What is that?
11:25A lingonberry seed or something?
11:27The important thing is you're here now.
11:28Yeah.
11:29And I don't want to waste any more time.
11:30No, neither do I.
11:31I mean, God, I've always had so many questions, you know, about who I am and where I come from
11:37and my, my, my family heritage and, and, you know, it's good to have some truth.
11:43Will you stop?
11:44You're just, you're sucking and slurping away and trying to have a conversation with my
11:48father.
11:48It's jammed in there.
11:49I don't care.
11:50Go to the bathroom again.
11:51I want to need a jackhammer.
11:52You're using a screw.
11:53You're embarrassing me in front of my dad here, man.
11:56Sorry about him.
11:57Charlie, I'm just glad that you're sitting here now.
12:00Yeah.
12:08My boy has found me and now I'm glad.
12:14Dad, I didn't know I had.
12:23The first time round is a bitter pill, but the second chance is better still.
12:30And then we find new seeds to sow.
12:35To grow our love we didn't know.
12:38The Kelly lads, the Kelly boys, we drink and laugh and make our noise.
12:44We'll sink right up to all our songs.
12:47So come along and join along.
12:50And I am Frank and I factor in somehow.
13:13Go to the bathroom and clean it up.
13:17Go.
13:18Oh, you're embarrassing me.
13:19Where's the bathroom?
13:23Walking this path is a serious commitment.
13:27One that requires considerable training.
13:30Oh, Father.
13:31Look, I've been assing and effing my way through life for far too long.
13:35I think it's time that I started sucking down the words of the Bible.
13:39And instead of looking for pieces of ass, I just look for peace.
13:42Well, your language leaves a bit to be desired, but your heart's in the right place.
13:47I think.
13:48So, to truly understand what this life is like, you need to spend some time with someone who's living it.
13:57Brother Thomas, I'd like you to meet someone.
14:00And I can't fight this feeling anymore
14:06I've forgotten what I started fighting for
14:13Not him.
14:35Give me somebody else.
14:37I'm sorry?
14:38Father, I'm going to be alone in the seminary with him in the rectory?
14:45I mean, these are very triggering words.
14:46I will S and F him into oblivion.
14:49I mean, he looks like Paul Bunyan.
14:51I need more of like a Elmer Fudd.
14:53You got any Fuds?
14:55Let me take a look.
14:56Oh, yeah.
14:57What about this guy?
14:57What's his story?
14:59Gus.
14:59Gus.
15:00Yeah, I ain't falling in love with Gus.
15:02Give me him.
15:03Oh, sure.
15:08See, T, the bedroom's perfect.
15:19Dude, I think you need a ventilator.
15:21I just need a good night's sleep.
15:25Just go to bed.
15:26No, I agree with you.
15:34I just...
15:36Well, I don't know what to do with her.
15:41What?
15:43What?
15:45Who are you talking to?
15:47Nobody.
15:48You're hearing things, Dee.
15:49I think what I'm hearing is fluid fill up your lungs.
15:55Dee, just go to bed.
15:58Okay.
16:07It has to be tonight.
16:10Hey, Dennis, I don't like that.
16:11I don't like it.
16:13I'm not even talking to you.
16:15I'm talking to the castle.
16:16You're talking to the castle?
16:22Is it talking back?
16:24Dee, just go to bed!
16:35It's the hair, by the way.
16:38Okay.
16:40Right now, are you talking to me or the castle?
16:43You.
16:43We were talking about beheadings earlier.
16:48It's the hair.
16:50What's the hair?
16:52Well, that's the trouble with heads, isn't it?
16:56The hair's not authentic.
16:58It's...
16:58It's been tampered with.
17:00That's why there's no smell.
17:02It's a...
17:02It's a lie.
17:05The hair is on the head.
17:07The hair is a lie.
17:09And therefore, it's better to just move the head all together.
17:13Okay.
17:14Okay, Dennis, you're very, very sick.
17:15And you need to go to the hospital.
17:16Silence!
17:23Dee, I can't breathe.
17:25I need to go to the hospital?
17:26Yeah!
17:26No shit!
17:27Oh, my God.
17:28I'm gonna call us an ambulance and get us out of here.
17:30Yeah.
17:31No, no, my phone's dead.
17:32Oh, there's no electricity in this goddamn place!
17:34Then go get the car and drive me!
17:36The car's out of gas!
17:37Then ring the bell!
17:39What bell?
17:40Go to the old bell tower and ring the goddamn bell, you bitch!
17:45Oh, God.
17:47Um...
17:48God damn it.
17:50Where's the stupid bell tower?
17:53No, no, no, no, no!
17:55Oh, Jesus Christ!
17:56What the...
17:57Oh, God!
18:00Oh!
18:01Oh, oh.
18:03Oh.
18:03Oh!
18:04Get off me!
18:05Get off me!
18:06Okay.
18:06Okay.
18:07Okay.
18:08Oh, okay.
18:08Okay.
18:12Hello?
18:14Who is that?
18:18Your head is a lie.
18:23Dennis?
18:24What are you doing?
18:26You've tampered with it and we won't stand for it any longer.
18:30Oh, Dennis, this is just the COVID talking, okay?
18:34You're hallucinating.
18:37I'm not that great.
18:48Oh, no, Dennis, please.
18:50Please, Dennis, it's me.
18:52Snap out of it.
18:54With her head!
18:59Oh, that's the house.
19:00Wow.
19:01Oh, this place is charming as shit.
19:04Dennis would be creaming in his pants if he saw this.
19:06Well, language, Frank, you know, because we're guests.
19:09Oh, yeah.
19:10It's a lovely home.
19:11Are you sure you're okay with us staying the night?
19:14Oh, I insist.
19:16I have a spare room down the hall, and I set up a cot for you there.
19:20Oh, well, we'll take the cot.
19:23You'll both sleep in the cot.
19:25Uh, I think I'd rather take the bedroom, Frank.
19:28What, you get lonely in there?
19:30What if it gets cold?
19:31Well, there's plenty of blankets.
19:33What if I poop the bed?
19:34Who's gonna be in there?
19:35Laugh with me.
19:36What?
19:36You might shit the bed.
19:37No, no, no.
19:38Well, if that's the case, I have all the sheets.
19:40No, no, no, no.
19:40You won't.
19:41Yeah, it was fun.
19:42There was a one-time incident, and it was a joke, and it really wasn't that funny.
19:46So...
19:47It wasn't?
19:47Uh, no.
19:48I thought you thought it was funny.
19:50No.
19:51Well, uh, I'm heading off.
19:53Yeah.
19:54Sounds good.
19:55Good night.
19:56Yeah, yeah.
19:58Hey, um, good night.
20:02Dad?
20:05Good night, son.
20:06Oh, Seed!
20:16I got you!
20:17Yeah?
20:17I found you, Seed.
20:18Look at it.
20:19I coughed it out.
20:20Yeah, gross.
20:21Yeah.
20:22Oh.
20:23I thought you'd be happy for me.
20:25Uh, sure.
20:26I guess.
20:27Sure.
20:28Oh!
20:29I should eat it again.
20:31Then it would be funny because I didn't learn my lesson.
20:34No, that wouldn't be funny.
20:35It'd just be kind of dumb, you know?
20:39Oh.
20:40Um, I think I'm going to go to bed.
20:45All right.
20:45Yeah.
20:46Uh...
20:47So you're going to stay in the room?
20:48Yeah, I'm going to go to bed here.
20:49I'll stay on the...
20:50I'll stay on the...
20:51All right.
20:52Good night, Frank.
20:54Good night, Charlie.
20:55Good night, Charlie.
21:05Good night, Charlie.
21:13Good night, Charlie.

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