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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 15 Episode 3
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00:00I love Joni Mitchell, and it's Janis Joplin I don't like.
00:13Why?
00:14I don't like her voice.
00:15Why?
00:16Her voice drives me insane.
00:17You're out of your mind.
00:18No, she's out of her mind.
00:19Oh.
00:20Hey.
00:21I do like that.
00:23I love that.
00:24Look at those moves.
00:26Yeah.
00:27The moves.
00:28Yeah.
00:29Yeah.
00:30Hey, I like this a lot.
00:31Why are we doing it?
00:32Oh, cell phone skates closing, man.
00:35What?
00:36What?
00:37Yeah.
00:38Why would you deliver such sad news in such an upbeat fashion?
00:41Ah, yeah.
00:42You know what?
00:43I felt wrong as I was doing it.
00:44I was trying to stop.
00:45I can't believe this.
00:47Everybody wants to pave paradise and put up a parking lot.
00:51Nice!
00:52Joni Mitchell, yeah.
00:53I found a way to leave, man.
00:54I heard you do that.
00:55No, guys, look.
00:56The real question is, what are we going to do about the rink?
00:58Wait a minute.
00:59Wait.
01:00You guys want to buy a roller rink?
01:01Oh, God no.
01:02No, no, no.
01:03We already tried that.
01:04Yeah.
01:05You guys remember that?
01:06Mm-hmm.
01:07The last time we were there.
01:08That's right.
01:09The last time we were there.
01:10Yeah.
01:11The last time we were there.
01:12Yeah.
01:13The last time we were there.
01:14Yeah.
01:15The last time we were there.
01:17Yeah.
01:181998.
01:19Yeah.
01:20You guys remember that night?
01:21Oh, yeah.
01:22Like it was yesterday.
01:23Hank, no whipping.
01:24I saw the...
01:25Are you chewing gum?
01:26I saw the...
01:27Are you chewing gum?
01:28Oh, God, no.
01:29Oh, God, no.
01:30No, no, no.
01:31We already tried that.
01:32Yeah, you guys remember that?
01:33Mm-hmm.
01:34The last time we were there.
01:35That's right.
01:36The last time we were there.
01:37What year was that?
01:38Yeah.
01:39Hey, no whipping.
01:40I saw the...
01:41Are you chewing gum?
01:42No gum in my rink, all right?
01:43Go spit it out.
01:44Gum is the enemy.
01:51Skate clean, everybody.
01:52Let's skate clean.
01:53That is the main thing.
01:54Richie King.
01:55Keep going.
01:56All right.
01:57All right.
01:58All right.
01:59All right.
02:00All right.
02:01All right.
02:02All right.
02:03All right.
02:04All right.
02:05All right.
02:06All right.
02:07All right.
02:08Richie King.
02:09Keep it clean, buddy.
02:10All right?
02:11I don't want to see any hot-dogging.
02:12Hot-dogging happens at the concession stand.
02:14Effective people.
02:15Come through.
02:16Come through.
02:17All right.
02:18Come on.
02:19Let's go.
02:20Keep it clean.
02:21Watch it.
02:24Brianna, no more gum.
02:27Man, I can't trust anybody.
02:28Yo, Matt.
02:30Yo, what's up, Charlie?
02:31Oh, dude.
02:32Buzzing out there, huh?
02:33Yeah, dude.
02:34The roller ring business is booming, man.
02:35Let me tell you.
02:36Now, take that jacket off, dude.
02:37How many times do I have to tell you you can't wear street clothes at work?
02:40What's that talking about, man?
02:41This jacket's fat as hell.
02:43It may be fat, but you're not supposed to wear it, all right?
02:45And you're not even repping Philly, dude.
02:47Well, the Hornets have the coolest colors, man, and I gotta look fat,
02:50because I'm out there selling weed, and you gotta look fat if you're selling weed.
02:52And also, dude, I'm gonna say this as your friend and not just your boss.
02:55Stop dealing drugs at work, okay?
02:57Blowing up.
02:58Oh, 911.
02:59Take it outside.
03:00I wanna see Smokey Cece with that thing, man, and I'm gonna get in trouble, too.
03:03Did you spray these down or what?
03:05Cuz you gotta keep the...
03:07Not bad.
03:08I rode my bicycle past your window last night.
03:22I roller-skate into your door at daylight.
03:26All right, now, you kids have a lot of fun, all right?
03:29And Daddy's got a very important meeting to go to.
03:31Oh, good luck, Daddy.
03:32Thank you, honey.
03:33You be safe, sweetheart.
03:34And, Dennis, don't forget to leave your cellular telephone on.
03:37You work for me now.
03:39Yes, Father.
03:45There you go.
03:47Have fun.
03:49Hello!
03:50Hey!
03:51Hey, what's up, fellas?
03:52Here they are.
03:53This is the college guy.
03:54Now, see, Mac, that's how you wear a jacket at work, you know?
03:56Dennis looks like Jerry Seinfeld.
03:57Oh, thanks, man.
03:58Yeah, that's kinda what I was going for, yeah.
04:00I don't like how mean they are to each other on that show.
04:02Aw, sweet D.
04:04So pure of heart, you know?
04:06Hey, when are you going to Hollywood, D?
04:07Tomorrow.
04:08Yeah, this is my last night in Philly.
04:10I'm actually super nervous.
04:12Aw, you got nothing to be nervous about.
04:13No, you're gonna do great out there, sis.
04:15They're gonna love you.
04:16You just have so much natural charisma, and you're so funny.
04:19Aw, man.
04:20Thanks, you guys.
04:21That really means a lot to me.
04:22Yeah, yeah.
04:23Size 11 skates, please.
04:25Oh, oh, D.
04:27Um, we only carry, like, women's up to, like, I think, maybe, like...
04:32Oh, no, Charlie.
04:33Uh, size 11 and men's.
04:35That's okay.
04:36Oh, right, you were men's.
04:37Yeah.
04:38I totally forgot.
04:39Okay, I got those.
04:40Hang on.
04:41Uh, here we go!
04:42There we go.
04:43Yeah, boom!
04:44Okay.
04:45Thanks, guys.
04:46Aw, have fun, man.
04:47Bye-bye, T.
04:48Bye-ya.
04:49Have fun.
04:50So sweet.
04:51Such a good-hearted person.
04:52Yeah, yeah, really.
04:53Thank you so much for not making fun of the size of her feet.
04:54They're very big.
04:55Oh!
04:56I would never make fun of her physical attributes.
04:57Hey, you guys wanna grab a soda or something?
04:59Oh, I'd love a soda.
05:00Love a soda.
05:01Let's get a quick break.
05:02Hey, Smokey!
05:03Step it away!
05:04Huh?
05:05Step it away in there, boss!
05:06Yeah, whatever.
05:07Smokey loves me, dude.
05:09Hey, he's giving me one of those, um, email addresses.
05:12Oh.
05:13Email?
05:14Mark my words, nobody will ever use email.
05:16The internet is a fad for nerds.
05:18Yeah, probably.
05:19Yeah.
05:20Let's roll.
05:24So, what's it like working for your old man?
05:26Like, what's he actually do?
05:28Business.
05:29Oh, that's sweet, man.
05:30Like, what kind of business is he in?
05:32It's complicated, you know?
05:33There's numbers and money.
05:36Right, but it sounds like you don't know what the business is.
05:39Well, not yet.
05:40But, I mean, I will at some point, you know what I mean?
05:43Because I'll be running the place someday, so.
05:45I can take that, man.
05:46I'm also kind of, like, climbing the corporate ladder, you know?
05:48I definitely see myself running this place one day.
05:51Dooley, come on, man!
05:52No headlocks!
05:53I'll be running a multi-million dollar business,
05:56and you'll be working at a roller rink.
05:57Yeah, but there's a lot of money in roller skating.
05:59Like, you would not believe how many quarters I find in these vending machines.
06:03You're talking about thumbing through vending machines for loose change.
06:06You think that's comparable to my thing?
06:08Well, that one's empty, but, yeah, you never know.
06:11Oh, is that my beeper?
06:12Oh, no, that's my mobile phone.
06:14Yeah, I don't have anything that beeps.
06:15Yeah, hang on.
06:16Oh, it's my dad.
06:18Hello, father.
06:20Oh.
06:21Yeah, yes.
06:22Uh, yeah, right away.
06:23Guys, I gotta run.
06:24Uh, my dad forgot his briefcase, and he needs it for an important meeting, so.
06:27Oh, cool.
06:28What are you talking about?
06:29Uh, business, man.
06:30I, like, I don't...
06:31I gotta go.
06:32I can't make him mad, okay?
06:33I'm on my way, father.
06:34Mobile phones.
06:35Fads for yuppies.
06:36Mark my words, Charlie.
06:37Those things will never catch on.
06:39Oh, my special little helper.
06:54I couldn't do it without you.
06:56Hold the briefcase.
06:57Okay.
06:58Thanks, father.
06:59Oh, not you.
07:00I was talking about this little guy.
07:02How are you here?
07:03Taking pills?
07:04Mm-hmm.
07:05Ah, yeah.
07:06Yeah, it enhances my performance and impresses my colleague, if you know what I'm saying.
07:11Oh, wow.
07:12Okay, that makes sense, yeah.
07:13Yeah.
07:14Tick-tock, buddy.
07:15Your hour's almost up.
07:16Well, be right there, hon.
07:17Oh, she sounds tough.
07:18Oh, you have no idea.
07:19Okay, you can go.
07:20No, wait, wait.
07:21Dad, Dad, wait.
07:22Come here, come here.
07:23Listen, if I may be so bold, I know you like to usually do your business in private, but
07:28I'd like to join you.
07:29Huh?
07:30You want to join us?
07:32Yeah, or I can just sit in the corner and watch.
07:34I just want to learn.
07:35Well, that's a little weird, Dennis.
07:37I don't know about that.
07:38How am I supposed to learn if you don't show me how to do it?
07:41You don't know how?
07:43No, I don't know anything.
07:45You guys were teasing me about it earlier.
07:47Well, I probably would tease you, too.
07:49Yeah, but I mean, it's not my fault.
07:50You never showed me anything.
07:51I thought this was something you'd learn in school.
07:54Huh.
07:55Well, I don't love this, Dennis, but if you want, you can sit in the corner and watch.
08:00But no eye contact, because that'll blow me off my game.
08:02Oh, okay.
08:03All right, come on, let's go in before the pill kicks in.
08:05Yeah.
08:06Yeah.
08:07Honey?
08:08Yo, what I'm saying is silly string is not so silly when it's stuck in a wheel bearing.
08:13So actions do have consequences.
08:15You know?
08:16Smokey!
08:17Filing a damage report here, boss.
08:20I don't know what to tell you.
08:22I'm gonna have to sell the joint.
08:24A lot of good people are gonna lose their jobs.
08:27It kills me.
08:28But it's over.
08:30Oh, no.
08:32Eighteen.
08:33Nineteen.
08:34Worth every penny.
08:35Two thousand.
08:36There's a little something in there for you.
08:37Yeah, whatever.
08:38Say hello to your sister.
08:39Well, there you go.
08:40You happy?
08:41What was that?
08:42That's how it's done.
08:43It was a little fast, but she was hot.
08:44I feel like I just watched you have sex with a prostitute.
08:48Yeah?
08:49Why?
08:50What do you mean why?
08:51It was your idea.
08:52I didn't want to watch you have sex.
08:53Well, I didn't want you to watch me have sex either.
08:54I thought you were gonna show me what you do at work.
08:55This is what I do at work.
08:56Does mom know about this?
08:57Don't bring your mother into this.
08:58The mother into this.
08:59The mother into this.
09:00You know, I don't know.
09:01You know, you're happy?
09:02What was that?
09:03What was that?
09:04That's how it's done.
09:05That's how it's done.
09:06It was a little fast, but she was hot.
09:07I feel like I just watched you have sex with a prostitute.
09:09Yeah?
09:10Why?
09:11What do you mean why?
09:12It was your idea?
09:13I didn't want to watch you have sex.
09:14This is what I do at work.
09:16Does mom know about this?
09:17Don't bring your mother into this and I'm not gonna let you watch next time.
09:20I don't want to watch next time!
09:22I didn't want to watch this time!
09:24Alright, look.
09:25You're officially fired.
09:26What?
09:27This is not working out for me, Dennis.
09:29You watching me bang?
09:31I mean, now you're whining?
09:33You're gonna go cry to your mommy?
09:35That's too much.
09:36I don't even know what it is I'm being fired from.
09:39Look.
09:40Here.
09:41Here's five grand.
09:43What?
09:44What is this?
09:45That's to keep your mouth shut.
09:46That's your paycheck.
09:47I don't understand.
09:48What is happening?
09:49That's your severance pay.
09:50My severance?
09:51Go on.
09:52I don't understand any of this!
09:57What's up, son?
09:58I'm having the best night.
10:00I just sold two ounces of Compton Endo.
10:02Yeah.
10:03Well, alright.
10:04I hate to run into your drug dealing parade, but, um...
10:07Smokey's selling this joint, man.
10:09So what?
10:10I could deal drugs wherever.
10:11Hey, you should come work for me, man.
10:12I'm making mad Benjamin, son.
10:15Oh, shit!
10:16Whoa, dude.
10:17There's gonna be like $80 in there.
10:19It's $4,000, Charlie.
10:21Yeah, I made it like two hours.
10:22You serious?
10:23Yeah.
10:24Shit, man.
10:25But, like, he isn't dealing drugs in that kind of dangerous?
10:28Damn straight it is, Charlie.
10:30That's why I got myself a cat.
10:32Dude, you've a gun?
10:33Yeah.
10:34Cool.
10:35Put that shit away, alright?
10:36Don't let Smokey see you with that.
10:37Oh.
10:38Oh.
10:39Hey, guys.
10:40Hey, Steve.
10:41Hey, Steve.
10:42Charlie, can you tighten the axle nuts on these?
10:44My friends and I are working on sort of a farewell routine.
10:47Oh, I gotta tighten them deez nuts.
10:50Deez nuts.
10:52Deez nuts.
10:53You're nuts, so I said deez nuts.
10:55Like...
10:56Yeah, I'm sorry.
10:57I just don't find crass humor that funny.
10:59Yeah.
11:00Oh, yeah.
11:01But, Dee, just a quick heads up.
11:02Like, if I tighten up these nuts, it's gonna...
11:04Deez nuts.
11:05Now I said it.
11:07That happened.
11:08I'm so sorry.
11:09But in all seriousness, if I do tighten up the axle nuts, it's gonna slow you down.
11:14I know.
11:15The thing is, my friends, they're just not as fast as me, and I don't want to hurt their self-esteem.
11:18So I just figured if I make myself slower, everyone's happy.
11:21Oh, that's super nice of you.
11:23Oh.
11:24Hey, and don't forget.
11:25Positive energy.
11:26Positive energy.
11:27Positive.
11:28Yeah, yeah.
11:29There's my beeper.
11:30Oh, shit.
11:31That thing is really cool.
11:32I'll admit that.
11:33Cool.
11:34Charlie, in 20 years, everybody's gonna have a beeper.
11:36Mark my words.
11:37Yeah.
11:38Also, you keep saying that, and I don't know if you're, like, fully expecting me to, like,
11:41mark these words down, because I don't have, like, a pen on it.
11:43Okay, come on, let's go.
11:44They're outside.
11:45Yeah, okay.
11:46Uh...
11:47Alright, step it away, Smoke.
11:48Alright.
11:49Be cool.
11:50Just play it cool, man.
11:51Yeah, I'm just nervous, dude.
11:52I've never done something against the law really like this.
11:53Nah, it's not that hard.
11:54It's not that hard.
11:55Oh, here they come.
11:56Here they come.
11:57These are our guys.
11:58Yeah, that's it.
11:59Okay, it's very easy.
12:00It's very easy.
12:01Just walk up there, you say, how much?
12:02Mm-hmm.
12:03How much do you want?
12:04And then you throw the bags in, they throw the money out, and that's it.
12:07Every transaction.
12:08Okay, cool.
12:09I can do that, and then maybe I'll introduce myself too, put a name in the face, because
12:12customer service is important.
12:13No.
12:14No, no.
12:15Don't do that, because it's not.
12:16It's a drug deal.
12:17Yeah, but if they don't feel comfortable, you know, like, knowing me, they might not
12:20return as customers.
12:21You don't want them to know you.
12:22They will return, no matter what, because they're addicted to the drugs.
12:25Oh.
12:26That's how it works.
12:27Oh.
12:28Yeah.
12:29Okay, cool.
12:30One more thing.
12:31Take off the skates.
12:32I'll walk over there in my socks, because I skated to work today.
12:34Oh, Jesus Christ.
12:35Okay, cool.
12:36Yeah.
12:37That's that.
12:38Okay, I'll walk on my toes so you can't tell them on skates.
12:39What?
12:40No.
12:41You might as well just, you might as well just skate over.
12:42Oh, Jesus Christ.
12:44Coming!
12:46One minute.
12:48Evening!
12:49No, no, no
12:57No thanks Friends
13:00Jesus Christ.
13:01Hi.
13:02I'm Charlie.
13:03I'm taking care of you guys this evening.
13:05How we doing?
13:07Let me get 5.
13:085, yeah, sure.
13:105 for the fine fella.
13:12I got five on it sorry it's a little thrown off I wasn't expecting you guys to be so much older
13:18than me um one second let me get it out here okay five one two three whoa dropped one sorry it's
13:28three four five sorry it's my it's my first night I'm in training so uh thank you for your patience
13:34um so I'm gonna need 40 uh $40 for uh I'm gonna need $40 oh no he did it
13:43you got a problem here fellas yeah he's got a gun so
13:50what the hell is this uh that's the handle just the handle I can see that you're carrying around
14:00I found it in the trash oh my god dude that was so stupid we could have gotten killed man no no
14:06there's no there's no bullets you can't get killed because there's not you can't get shot with their
14:10gun oh with their gun yeah with their gun we could have gotten killed oh got one all right well look
14:17on the bright side Mac we just made a quick 25 cents hey yeah that's why the long faces smokey
14:25sell in the ring what yeah and Mac's a terrible drug dealer as am I apparently I just don't know
14:31what to do with the rest of my life now how's work with your dad oh yeah uh yeah it was cool you know
14:37um I learned a lot but I don't really think it's for me oh really what what is it what what's the work
14:43uh it's it's it's complicated you know it's um messy and and and I don't want to describe what I saw
14:51why look suffice it to say I don't want to have anything to do with that kind of business you know
14:57what I mean I'm starting to think that my dad's a bad man really you know what man you can go your
15:02own way you're your own man mark my words you're probably never going to see that guy again for
15:08the rest of your life I hope not yeah guys check this out what if we what if we went into business like
15:18for ourselves yeah you know yeah like we do what Dennis's dad does at work right but we do it with
15:24each other you don't want to do what my dad does okay and definitely not with each other right um so
15:30I'd like to clarify by saying that I think what we should do is invest in ourselves yeah I mean like
15:35right that's what I mean like check this out like what if we buy the ring from smokey
15:37oh shit we own the roller rink like the three of us together as partners oh I got four grand
15:45right here oh my god that's crazy I just got five grand from my dad oh dude that's perfect I just
15:51got 25 cents uh from the machine over there 25 cents not gonna get a shit man oh no I mean I just
15:57got it now I have more saved up well okay well how much do you have total from the machines and
16:02my paycheck and just like saving the quarters and shit I've stayed up like 57 thousand dollars
16:08holy shit man that's you know what that actually might be enough for an equal partnership with us
16:19yes yeah well yeah equal doesn't quite make sense hey I'm starving do they have sandwiches yeah you
16:24know what they do have sandwiches yeah you want something with meat on it the sandwiches are good but
16:28like yeah let's get a sandwich I'm paying I'll pay for the sandwich totally makes sense hey hey
16:33hey there's some events oh here we go let's go D yeah look at that all right go D oh big time
16:44new rock come on D yeah all right let's go sis
16:48take this pink ribbon off my eyes I'm exposed and it's no big surprise don't you think I know
17:07exactly where I stand this world is forcing me to hold your hand
17:14I'm just a girl oh look at her go man yeah she's really flying huh imagine if she didn't have to
17:21slow down for her friends she doesn't have to no no no I when she asks me to tighten her skates I
17:25secretly loosen them you know because real friends don't slow each other down all right they help me soar
17:29oh shit god damn oh that was brutal hey stop it get off me bitch hey sis are you okay you hit your head pretty hard there yeah I'm fine you small haired cunt
17:50what excuse me it was a joke okay oh you don't understand humor it was a joke that's my shoes oh
17:58hey D um and we're gonna buy the ring do you want to be part owner with us yeah yeah yeah yeah we could really use your positive attitude oh
18:06oh could you you know what you could also use a breath mint because your mouth smells like you just ate a giant slice of shit pizza
18:13okay I'm confused here do you want to be in no no no no no no Charlie thank you anyway but I don't want to be involved with you losers okay because you're losers I'm moving to Hollywood I'm gonna get rich I'm gonna get famous and I'm probably gonna marry Scott Wolf
18:29get out of my way bitch leave me alone sweet D is not being very sweet you know what she just got her
18:37bell rung she's gonna be fine oh dude that's what it is right I'm sure by tomorrow it'll wear off and
18:42she'll be back to spreading her sunshine again yeah yeah all right come on let's go buy this ring yeah
18:46you want to buy my joint absolutely Smokey I mean look we heard you're selling it and we we want to be
18:55the buyers yeah and we will pay any price yeah well well hang on a second no we won't pay any price we'll
19:00pay the appropriate price for a roller rink the rink I don't know this place I just work here for the
19:07free parking oh on the bar around the corner there's a bar around the corner yeah yeah that place is a real
19:16dump oh okay uh we'll take it any price well hang on a second we don't know if we'll take it we haven't
19:22even seen it yet you are a terrible negotiator how do you how do you have a bad drug dealer too I can
19:27tell yeah patties huh you guys like that name no no right it's terrible it's pretty bad change it
19:42yeah definitely first thing we love yeah should we check it out yeah it smells like fish you guys smell
19:47what yeah that's a little fish get a cooler sign yeah it's kind of like old and wooden
19:52huh yeah I mean you know doesn't quite have the same pageantry as a roller rink but uh there's a
20:06palpable sadness in here yeah I feel that yeah and a stink right yeah yeah but that said I mean you
20:13know it's got potential right it doesn't have to be this right well like check it out we can gut this
20:18place make it totally our own right make it whatever we want yes yes we could become really successful
20:25bar owners right like the most successful bar owners in all of South Philadelphia in all of the
20:29country that's reasonable guys mark my words when we're finished with this place you're not even
20:35gonna recognize it I got a lot of things wrong yeah yeah we really didn't change that much no no you
20:48haven't even changed clothes for instance you're still wearing the same sweatshirt hey can I talk to
20:54you guys about the percentage shares the bar percent shit uh sandwiches did we were oh yeah we had we got
21:00sandwiches from a place and are you hungry yeah you want you want a sandwich yeah yeah you're gonna
21:05have to pay for it you know I don't know how you're gonna pay for it but you gotta let me check the
21:08sandwich thing out don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone
21:15they paid paradise put up a pocket
21:17it's all the trees all the trees put them in a tree museum and they charge the people a dollar and a
21:31half just to see them don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone
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