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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 15 Episode 1
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00:01Everything you want to know about vampires, it's right here.
00:05They have wellness vampires now.
00:07Stretch those hammies. Feel the burn!
00:10She has changed my life.
00:26What if we let off some fireworks in here, huh?
00:28Fireworks in the bar?
00:29It's never been done for, right? That could be kind of good, right?
00:32You'll burn the place to the ground.
00:34But Charlie is right, though.
00:35Like, we have to have some kind of flair for this business meeting.
00:37This guy's a huge potential investor. He could give Paddy's tons of money.
00:40I know, we need pageantry. We need a...
00:42Oh, dude, I just thought something. What if it's not a guy? What if it's a woman?
00:45If it's a woman, I got flowers prepped for her.
00:47Oh, okay.
00:49If it's a guy, I got a football ready for her.
00:52Nice, okay.
00:53No, hold on. What if it's a guy who hates football but loves flowers?
00:57Right, right, right. Or a woman who loves football but hates flowers.
01:00Or a woman who was assigned male gender at birth but has retained her traditional love of the game.
01:05Yes.
01:06Which she has the right to do.
01:07Man!
01:08That is her right.
01:09That's fine.
01:10Here's the bottom line, you guys. It's 2021. All bets are off, okay?
01:15The chances of this person walking in and being your typical vanilla white guy are slim to none.
01:19Hi.
01:20Sorry to interrupt. My name's Gary. I'm here to speak to the owners of Paddy's Pub.
01:24Oh, thanks, sweet Jesus!
01:26All right!
01:27Gary!
01:28Gary!
01:29Gary!
01:30So good to see you!
01:31Woo!
01:32Yes, I can wrap my head around.
01:33Uh, Gary, are you gonna stand up over here?
01:35All right.
01:36Take care of you.
01:37We got together, we got you a little gift here, talking about appreciation.
01:39And, uh, from the pub.
01:41Yeah, that's from us to you.
01:42Yeah, from us to you.
01:43Yeah, from us to you, uh, you...
01:47Oh, uh, thank you.
01:49Woo!
01:50All right, that's a relief!
01:51All right, well, now that we all know that we see eye to eye, let's talk about you giving us that PPP loan, huh?
01:56Oh, I'm so sorry. There must be some confusion. I'm not here to hand out PPP loans.
02:01I'm here to collect on ones you already have.
02:04Um, in fact, I believe it's three separate loans, so I'll just need to know, uh, what you did with the money and what the businesses have been up to for the past year.
02:15Uh-huh.
02:16Yeah.
02:17Oh.
02:21Gary, we saw 2020 as a year to, um, well, I don't know, capitalize on our many various interests.
02:44Yeah, we got a lot of them, you know?
02:45Hey, when the world says slow, we say go!
02:47That's right.
02:48Or strike, or attack.
02:49Yeah, yeah.
02:50See, normally we're running a thriving bar here, you know what I mean?
02:52Oh, yeah.
02:53Yeah, but, uh, COVID forced us to close our doors to the community, so we're like, what are we gonna do?
02:56Yeah.
02:57We had to branch out. That's what we did.
02:58So why don't we just, uh, talk about the first loan, which is Punch Incorporated?
03:02Yeah.
03:03Yep.
03:04That was, uh, that was Mack and I, so...
03:05Yeah.
03:06Okay.
03:07I'm good. That's a cool name, isn't it?
03:08It's a very, uh, aggressive name.
03:09It's very cool.
03:10As an out-of-work bouncer, I was looking to pursue my other interests, that would be
03:15as intellectually stimulating as choking out a jabroni and leaving him out in the street.
03:19Like my long-time dream of becoming an international country teen pop sensation.
03:24Girl, you give me feels when I see them heels.
03:29Let's ride on a horse making love out in the fields, out in the fields.
03:34Let me be your guy.
03:36Never mind them flies.
03:39Just get on the horse and ride my ride.
03:41Wait, wait, wait.
03:42Hold on a second.
03:43All right, man. Look, the music is starting to come together.
03:45I like the music, but I'm struggling with the lyrics.
03:47What's wrong with the lyrics?
03:49It's the fly thing.
03:50Well, horses have flies. That makes sense.
03:52Yeah, but the lyric is, let me be your guy, never mind them flies.
03:56It feels like I'm asking her to forget the flies that are surrounding me, not the horse.
04:00Never mind them thighs.
04:03Thighs? Why thighs?
04:05Who's thighs?
04:06Yeah, well, maybe he's got thick, grotesque thighs and he's embarrassed about them.
04:09Look, there's a bigger problem, man. Can I be honest with you?
04:12I'm having trouble concentrating on any of this stuff.
04:14Because I can't stop thinking about the election.
04:16The election.
04:17The election, yes.
04:18Oh, my God.
04:19Yes, I was like right there with you.
04:21I can't focus on any of our...
04:23The integrity of the election.
04:24Yes.
04:25Right? Because I...
04:26Our democracy is at stake.
04:27Yeah, I feel like things aren't going well with the election and we need to get involved.
04:30Mm-hmm.
04:31You know, we were concerned that our guy wasn't gonna get a fair shot in the election.
04:34Of course not, because he's an outsider that brings a fresh perspective to Washington.
04:38Right?
04:39Right.
04:40I mean, not everybody likes him, but that's why we do.
04:41Yeah, and we were really worried that the mainstream media just wasn't taking him seriously.
04:45It's like, do I want a bunch of eggheads who spend all day learning about shit influencing how I think about things?
04:50No.
04:51No.
04:52No.
04:53Plus, you want a guy who's lived a little, right?
04:54You want a guy who knows how to party.
04:55Our guy knows how to party.
04:57Right?
04:58Our guy parties.
05:00Yeah.
05:01Anyway, it was obvious that the integrity of the election was at stake here.
05:04So, that's why we wanted to make sure that things went smoothly at the polling place.
05:07Right.
05:08Hence, we created Punch Incorporated.
05:09We used the loan to buy tactical gear.
05:12Ah, look at this one.
05:14The New York hat.
05:15Think she got bussed in from that liberal hellscape?
05:17All right, let's go find out.
05:18Let's go talk to her.
05:19Excuse me.
05:20Ma'am!
05:21Ma'am!
05:22Ma'am!
05:23Ma'am!
05:24Ma'am!
05:25Ma'am!
05:26Ma'am!
05:27Ma'am!
05:28Ma'am!
05:29Ma'am!
05:30Why do we hate Chris Chelios?
05:32Who is Uncle Eddie Savitz?
05:34Who is a better athlete?
05:36Donovan McNabb or Rocky Balboa?
05:38Where is...
05:39Well, hold on a second.
05:40I mean, that's too easy.
05:41McNabb, obviously.
05:42Well, I don't think it's that obvious.
05:44Do you think Donovan McNabb could go toe to toe with Ivan Drago for fifteen rounds?
05:48Ah, no, what I'm saying is that Rocky Balboa is a fictional character, so this isn't even
05:51a conversation.
05:52Are you saying you want Sly Stallone to be the starting QB for the Eagles next season?
05:57How do you think that's gonna go?
05:58Well, what year is it?
05:59the early 1980s, because the NFC East was not strong,
06:01and I say that Sly takes us to the playoffs.
06:03Sly Stallone is just a meatball actor.
06:05Then why don't we make statues to him?
06:06We don't... Okay, hold on a second.
06:07Wait, just... You're crazy, okay?
06:10The guy is 5'9", okay, to start with.
06:12And by the way, that's a celebrity listing.
06:14He's probably closer to 5'4".
06:15So is Doug Flute. Are you saying he's an actor?
06:17No, I'm...
06:17He's one of the greatest football players that Canada ever produced.
06:20So, I'm sorry, now you're comparing McNabb
06:23to a teeny tiny little man who's named after a woodwind instrument?
06:26What are we even talking about?
06:27Hey, what's up, Brian? Good to see you again.
06:28Brian, what's going on?
06:30You want us to, um...
06:31You want us back at the 100 feet.
06:33He wants us back at the 100 feet.
06:34We're going to be less effective back there.
06:35The problem is, back there, we can't...
06:37We can't keep... Yeah, okay.
06:39We'll go back to the 100 feet.
06:40We're going to... Hey, you want to grab you a coffee?
06:43We'll grab him a coffee.
06:44We'll grab you a coffee, and then we'll be back,
06:45but we'll stay a little bit further away.
06:46We'll keep things safe.
06:47Suffice to say, our arguing did not help the situation.
06:50Yeah, it turns out they had their own security there
06:53to keep things safe, and they just kicked us right out.
06:55Anyway, point is, the country was in turmoil, okay?
06:58Tensions were high, so Mac and I decided to pivot
07:00to a less controversial approach.
07:02Yeah, we went with gaining exposure
07:03for our budding musical interests,
07:05as well as providing people with an opportunity
07:08to vote on another pressing matter.
07:10Freedom is the choice you have.
07:12Is it Rocky or Macbeth?
07:15Cast your vote and make it clear.
07:17Place your voting choice in here.
07:19Place your voting choice in here.
07:21Place your voting choice in here.
07:24Place your voting choice right up in here.
07:27Place your voting choice in here right here.
07:33Copy votes right in that box there, folks.
07:38If you want them votes to count.
07:39That's right.
07:40Now, let's take it one more time from the top
07:43before Brian's security gets here.
07:44Yep, let's do it.
07:45Here we go.
07:45Now, the labeling, in hindsight, was a bit obtuse
07:49and created a great deal of confusion.
07:51It kind of backed up the whole system.
07:53Right, yeah.
07:54There was a whole kerfuffle, I don't know if you remember this,
07:56about, like, what votes were supposed to be counted
07:58and what votes aren't going to be counted
07:59and are these legitimate votes or these not legitimate votes?
08:02What's this?
08:02What's that?
08:02Yeah, I mean, we put our boxes all over the damn place.
08:05So, you know, we created a mess.
08:07I'm sorry.
08:07Let me try to get this straight.
08:08So you're saying that you might be partially responsible
08:11for the voting count delays in the presidential election?
08:13No.
08:14No, I'm saying we might have been entirely responsible
08:16for the vote delays.
08:18But what I'm also saying is that we were two American businessmen
08:21who took out a legitimate loan for a legitimate business.
08:24Uh, well, now that we've got that settled,
08:26I'll tell you what, why don't we play you
08:28a couple of our original songs,
08:30loosely based on the chord progressions
08:32of Emerson Lake and Palmer.
08:34No.
08:35Yes.
08:35No.
08:36Yes.
08:36Actually, let's just keep moving on to the next loan,
08:40if that's okay.
08:41Uh, so, uh, Frank's imports and exports.
08:45Oh, that's this guy.
08:46I'm going to get a beer.
08:46Boom.
08:47Go.
08:48What do you want to know?
08:49Hey, what were you importing?
08:51Inks, grease, paste, sludges in general.
08:54Sludges.
08:55I see.
08:55All right.
08:56And, uh, what were you exporting?
08:58Hey, guy.
09:01Frank, I'm worried about you, man.
09:03You're hitting it way too hard, pal.
09:05I was going hard.
09:07When society hits the brakes, I hit the gas, baby.
09:11Society break.
09:12I got gas.
09:14What?
09:15If you have gas, take it on the hall, okay?
09:17Also, I need another bucket.
09:18I'm out of paint here.
09:19I got no more buckets.
09:20Look, I shouldn't even be doing this, man.
09:22Like, it looks terrible.
09:23You should get this done in, like, a salon or something.
09:25Salons are closed.
09:28I got to go.
09:28I got to go.
09:29I got to go.
09:29I got to go.
09:30I got to go?
09:30Where are you going?
09:30Yeah, I got to go.
09:31Go.
09:31You look crazy, dude.
09:33Where are you going?
09:34I'm out.
09:35Well, take a mask, will you?
09:37I mean, you got one?
09:38Yes, I got a mask.
09:39You got to wear it, though.
09:40It's on.
09:41I got it on.
09:42Yeah, but you got to cover your nose, dude.
09:44You got to...
09:45Why does nobody all know how to wear a mask?
09:48Yeah, I was sick of staying inside, so I went to my favorite bookstore to clear my head.
09:53Fortunately, my favorite bookstore never closes, and they never judge the customers.
09:58Oh, hey, you got to wear a mask.
10:01I got a mask.
10:02Oh, I didn't see it.
10:03All right.
10:04You're good.
10:05So I grabbed a few titles.
10:08I went in the back to do some light reading.
10:11There I was, staring at my idols.
10:14Peter North, TT Boy, the late, great DJ Ram.
10:19And that's when I noticed the bad dye job.
10:24Who would I become?
10:25I was letting the pandemic get the best of me.
10:28It had taken my manhood.
10:31Well, I went home and immediately did something about it.
10:34After I popped off, I got right to work on creating the perfect hair dye.
10:40Shoe polish, indie ink, permanent marker.
10:45I tried them all until I finally hit pay dirt.
10:50Oh, Chinese motor oil.
10:54Bingo.
10:56For the first time in a long time, I felt like somebody again.
11:01I couldn't let this opportunity go to waste.
11:04I opened the chair.
11:06I became the most sought-after underground hairstylist for like-minded older men yearning for a sense of community during the pandemic.
11:17I had my PPP loan, and business was booming.
11:21I found a lot to do, but not only shows that I don't have a little bit of a day.
11:31If I don't get so much ruler, yeah, I'm going to hurt you first.
11:40Oh, dear.
11:43It's definitely shadow.
11:45It's definitely shadow.
11:47Then one day this guy comes in, not even the usual clientele, didn't even look at the
12:00magazines, said he just needed a place to cool off.
12:04Next thing you know, he's in my chair.
12:06We talked about the election and our mutual disdain for insider beltway politics.
12:12He wasn't from the neighborhood, said he was in from New York, doing some business at
12:19a fancy hotel down the street.
12:22He said his boss was a very connected man who needed a situation fixed.
12:27And this poor bastard was in the eye of the shitstorm.
12:31I did him up real nice.
12:33Little did I know, my work was about to be in the national spotlight on the head of America's
12:40mayor, Rudolph William Giuliani.
12:44I was proud of how my work stood up in the spotlight.
12:48He became my biggest client.
12:51Funny thing about the spotlight though, sometimes it burns too bright.
12:58And that was the moment I knew it was coming to an end.
13:01It was my own fault.
13:02I got sloppy, started cutting corners using American motor oil.
13:06And to top it off, my guy didn't win the election.
13:09The whole thing was a fiasco.
13:12I blame myself.
13:14Wait, so you're saying that the hair dye that's dripping down your face is the same
13:19dye used by Rudolph Giuliani during the presidential election?
13:22Yeah.
13:23Okay, let's just move on to the next loan, the clothing line, something called Garments
13:31and Varmints.
13:32Yo!
13:33That's us.
13:34Yeah.
13:35Yeah.
13:36The name's a little confusing because it did end up being mostly costumes.
13:37Yeah, yeah.
13:38But it's not really confusing, you know, because Varmints definitely played like a key role
13:41in it, so it's not confusing.
13:42Oh, it's confusing.
13:43It's incredibly confusing.
13:44I'm sorry.
13:45But we can go on.
13:46I am confused.
13:47Well, of course you're confused, Gary.
13:48That's because you're not a moron.
13:49All right, let me explain what happened here, all right?
13:54We've been on top of each other for a long time.
13:57We bubbled together during the pandemic because, well, we're both essential workers in the
14:00bar.
14:01Yeah, yeah.
14:02Charlie and I, we're the last tit on the hog before the asshole.
14:07I am so sorry for my partner's blue language.
14:10It does not represent-
14:11Okay, how about this one?
14:12Mama needs wine, right?
14:14And this is funny because women are alcoholics who hate their kids.
14:17Yeah, yeah, but you're missing the big picture here, dear, right?
14:21What do you mean?
14:22Dude, the real money is in the Halloween costume space.
14:24Think about it, man.
14:25Everyone's been stuck together at home.
14:26They're all worried and shit.
14:27They're going to want to come together at the end of next year or so, like Halloween
14:31store owners?
14:32They're going to be like some of the richest people in America, dear.
14:34We're not going to do that.
14:35We're not going to do that.
14:36Let's just do the medical mask thing.
14:37Number one, it's easier.
14:38Number two, it actually makes sense.
14:39Okay, all right.
14:40Well, fine, we'll try your thing.
14:41Logical.
14:42Okay, fine.
14:43Anyway, we made the stupid mask, but the next challenge was marketing them.
14:46Sweetie, if you're not going to help me homeschool these kids, can you please at least do the
14:50dishes?
14:51I need to drink wine.
14:53Oh, I know you do, but honey, I got you a gift.
14:57You did?
14:58What?
14:59A custom-made mask.
15:01Are you looking at a party this Halloween?
15:08Are you sick of being jerked around by the fat cats in the Halloween industry?
15:12But we've got the fix for you, garments and varmints.
15:16And now it's all starting to make sense, right?
15:18What?
15:19No.
15:20It makes less sense than it did in the beginning.
15:21You're telling it wrong.
15:22Gary gets it.
15:23No, I don't get it.
15:24Point is, for reasons we would find out much later, we did end up getting a rather sizable
15:28order for costumes from one group.
15:29Yeah.
15:30Uh-huh.
15:31And these guys were out of state, right?
15:32And they wanted them really fast.
15:33We were in a rush.
15:34No doubt.
15:35But luckily, that's pretty handy with the old girl, so we were able to fill out most
15:38of the order.
15:39Although, we were running out of material.
15:40Okay.
15:41What else do we need?
15:42What?
15:43What else do we need?
15:44Uh, pounce.
15:45Get more pounce.
15:46What pounce?
15:47The pounce!
15:48The pounce, you bitch!
15:49Pounce for what?
15:50Oh, you bitch!
15:51You insufferable bitch!
15:52I mean, am I supposed to even know what that means?
15:55Animal pounce!
15:56What are you doing with animal pounce?
15:58Get the pounce, you bitch!
16:00Yeah, now normally I don't call Dee a bitch.
16:02That's sort of Dennis' thing.
16:03Dee's a goddamn bitch.
16:04Yeah.
16:05Uh, but, you know, her vulgar language was rubbing off on me, you know, which wasn't
16:09a good look for the business.
16:10The pelts that Charlie's referring to, they're from raccoons that he was tanning in the basement
16:14of this bar.
16:15Yeah, well, you see, the pandemic had kind of disrupted the bar's natural ecosystem.
16:18I mean, there's a real uptick in raccoons, which you consider rap bread's delicacy, which
16:22of course you know, and now it's all starting to make sense.
16:24It doesn't make sense.
16:25At least now he understands why we call the business garments and garments.
16:27He doesn't care what we call the business.
16:28I believe that the man does!
16:30I'm taking over the whole story!
16:32Okay?
17:03That was all Charlie.
17:05You know what I'd like to do?
17:06I'd love to throw in this cool hat for free.
17:08I think it really completes the luck.
17:10Let's see.
17:11You know?
17:12Let's see it there.
17:13Oh, shit.
17:14He's right.
17:15Thanks, brother.
17:16Now let's go save this country!
17:20Woo!
17:21And they all seemed pretty amped up.
17:25But we were too.
17:26I mean, people have been dragging our guy's name through the mud saying he wasn't fit for
17:29office.
17:30Yeah, calling him a narcissist saying he was mentally ill and that all the people who showed
17:34up for his events were idiots.
17:35Yeah, but that's because they've never seen the guy on stage.
17:37I mean, he's electrifying on stage!
17:39Yeah.
17:40All right, I'm sorry.
17:41Let me try to make sense of this.
17:43You're telling me that you provided the iconic costumes at the Capitol riots?
17:47Yeah.
17:48Yep.
17:49Can't say they weren't good costumes.
17:50They were great costumes.
17:51Yeah.
17:52Isn't that something?
17:53Isn't that something?
17:54Well, listen.
17:55Now that we've cleared up all those previous loans, we would like to talk to you about
17:58giving us a new loan for Patty's pub.
18:00Oh, yeah.
18:01Oh, man!
18:02What was that?
18:03Oh, it's a firework.
18:04Almost got you, pal.
18:05Sorry about that.
18:06Oh, fire.
18:07Oh!
18:08Huh?
18:09What?
18:10Shit, I see it.
18:11All right.
18:12I got it.
18:13Oh, I got it.
18:14Fire, buddy.
18:15All right.
18:18Woo!
18:19Ah, sorry about that, everybody.
18:20Probably shouldn't have done that in the bar.
18:22Oh, was I right?
18:23Yeah, I'm sorry, guys.
18:24Yeah.
18:25All right, well.
18:26I was trying to get a little fanfare for the loan.
18:27It was kind of cool.
18:28Um, so, hey, listen.
18:30Um, listen, we really do believe that with a major cash infusion, we could turn this bar
18:34into something even more successful than it already.
18:37Stop.
18:38I have heard enough.
18:39You people have shamelessly gamed the system out of massive amounts of taxpayer dollars for
18:43fictitious businesses that have gone bankrupt.
18:46And still you have the nerve to ask for more money?
18:48Well, that's what makes America the greatest country in the world.
18:51When you're in need, the government comes in and bails you out.
18:54Nothing made me more money than businesses I sent into bankruptcy.
18:58That's the American way.
18:59That's as American as it gets right there.
19:01That's right.
19:02And maybe if our guy had won, our businesses could succeed just like his.
19:04They would have been a huge hit.
19:05Yeah.
19:06Yeah.
19:07No, I don't think, I don't.
19:08No, no, no.
19:09None of these idiotic businesses would have been successful whether Trump had won or lost.
19:14Huh?
19:15Okay.
19:16Trump?
19:17Trump?
19:18Yeah.
19:19Yeah, why are you talking about Trump?
19:20Where'd you get that?
19:21Washington outsider, not taken seriously by the liberal media, successful businessman,
19:26unsuccessful in love, electrifying on stage.
19:28Oh, yeah.
19:29Yeah, that's our guy.
19:30Yeah, that's him.
19:31Yeah.
19:32There's Kanye.
19:33Kanye West.
19:34Kanye West.
19:35You've seen him on stage?
19:36Yeah.
19:37Kanye West.
19:38You all voted for Kanye West.
19:40Oh, absolutely.
19:41100%, pal.
19:42I've seen him on stage.
19:43Yeah, man.
19:44He's the best.
19:45He's the best.
19:46No.
19:47I do not believe you.
19:48I do not believe any of you.
19:49None of this happened.
19:51There is no way that you were all involved in every major event of the past year.
19:56Why?
19:57Why?
19:58Because they're not Forrest Gump!
20:01You'll be hearing from the IRS.
20:07I don't think he's gonna give us the loan.
20:11I don't think we're gonna get the loan either.
20:13You know what we should do?
20:14Let's listen to some Kanye West.
20:15Ow!
20:16That's going to bring the mood back up.
20:18We all should be listening to Kanye West.
20:19We all should be listening to Kanye West.
20:21Yes.
20:51I can tell by your child and your arm, but I'm looking for the one.
20:54How you seen her?
20:55My psychic told me she'll have an X like Serena.
20:58Trina, Gina, for Lopez, four kids.
21:01And I got to take all they bad to show biz.
21:03Okay, get your kids, but then they got their friends.
21:06I pulled up in the bins, they all got a bin.
21:08We all went to den, and then I had to pay.
21:11If you're with this girl, then you better be paid.
21:13You know why?
21:14Take too much to touch her.
21:16From what I heard, she got a baby, my buster.
21:18My best friend said she used to f**k with Usher.
21:21I don't care what none of y'all say, I still love her.
21:24Now I ain't saying she a gold digger.
21:41Sonny's back.
21:42I want to go somewhere exotic.
21:43Ha ha, I'll admit it.
21:45An all new season.
21:46Do you mind if I go sample some of your jellies?
21:48I don't know.
21:49Help yourself.
21:49Delightful.
21:50A banquet.
21:53What?
21:54Ew.
21:54Of humiliation.
21:57And murder.
21:58Wait, what?
21:59All right, this is why Irish people hate Americans.
22:02It's always sunny in Philadelphia.
22:05All new, Wednesdays at 10 on FXX.
22:08Listen up, because I'm about to blow your minds.
22:15Just exercise.
22:16Seriously?
22:17Fire.
22:18Is that a lower back tattoo?
22:21Yeah, it's the Fresh Prince one.
22:23What happened to this country?
22:26Mercy is stronger than revenge.
22:28Bravo.
22:33Bravo.
22:39Y'all wouldn't have seen a stolen food truck, would you?
22:42Nope.
22:44Someone stole a truck.
22:45Broad daylight.
22:46Put your seatbelt on.
22:46Seatbelt.
22:47Put your seatbelt on.
22:48Cheese!
22:49You're good thieves.
22:51Best in town.
22:52It is a small town.
22:55It's hard to be a warrior with dignity.
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