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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 15 Episode 4
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00:00No. No, no. This can't be happening. I'm too young.
00:13No, why are you doing this? I don't want to change.
00:15I don't want to change. Oh, God, it's hot.
00:17It's always so goddamn hot.
00:19Someone's got to crack a door or a window.
00:21Oh, God, no. It's all happening too fast.
00:23I had plans, and they were perfect plans.
00:27This is just all too soon.
00:30What the hell was that about?
00:33I'll tell you what that was about.
00:35Menopause. What?
00:36Oh, yeah. Menopause?
00:38I went through the same thing with Barbara.
00:40Overnight, she became completely irrational.
00:43With the hot flashes and the mood swings and the paranoia.
00:47That was the worst.
00:48Always accusing me of having affairs.
00:50Right, but you were having affairs.
00:53Yeah, but it was a real headache.
00:55You can't have that around here.
00:56I don't want this to be taken the wrong way,
00:58because, you know, I slept with Dee that one time,
01:01but, like, I'm, like, sick of looking at her.
01:03Right.
01:04You know, is it just me?
01:05No.
01:06Okay.
01:06No.
01:07No.
01:07Okay, yeah, because I'm not trying to be mean.
01:09It's not personal.
01:10You're just being honest about how you feel.
01:11Yeah.
01:12Also, there's a smell.
01:13There's a smell, yeah, and a lot of women have this,
01:15and it makes me sick to my stomach,
01:18and I don't want to be around it,
01:19and I think that's what you're saying.
01:20Well, no, I have no smell so much,
01:23but, no, I'm just saying, like,
01:24I feel a lot of tension in the workplace
01:26because we slept together, you know?
01:27Legally, that's called a hostile work environment.
01:29Okay, I can see that.
01:30We can legally fire her
01:32and bring in whichever man we want.
01:34Oh, okay.
01:35I see where you're going with that.
01:37Yeah, he's got an agenda.
01:39But either way, it doesn't matter.
01:40The point is, what we're talking about here
01:42is replacing Dee,
01:43and I think it's a great idea.
01:44I think it's long overdue.
01:46Okay, if we're going to bring in another woman,
01:48can we at least make sure she's competent?
01:51Competent?
01:52A monkey could do Dee's job.
01:56A monkey could.
02:12Terrific.
02:18Thanks for coming in.
02:19Move.
02:20All right.
02:20I'm not going to get it.
02:22Give me a break.
02:22Move.
02:23Wait, what is...
02:23You listen to me right now, Jeffrey.
02:25You listen to me
02:26because I have been listening to you for long enough.
02:28I'm sorry.
02:28Who are you?
02:30No.
02:31No, no, no.
02:32This can't be happening.
02:33This can't be happening.
02:34I'm too young.
02:35Why are you doing this to me?
02:37Why?
02:37I know.
02:38I don't want to change.
02:39You're not thinking straight, Cassandra.
02:41Oh, God, it's so hot.
02:43Why is it always so goddamn hot?
02:44Somebody ought to crack a window.
02:46No, I need more time.
02:48I had it all planned out.
02:49It was perfect,
02:50and this is just too soon.
02:56Oh, God.
03:03And that's the scene.
03:04Yes, I'm aware.
03:06I'm done.
03:07I was in character before,
03:08but I'm me now,
03:09so you can tell me how good I was.
03:11Oh, okay.
03:12Well, you just cut in front of 15 other actresses.
03:14You're welcome.
03:15I took a gander at him and...
03:17Plus, I do feel like that's what the character would have done,
03:20and I've been in character all day.
03:22As a matter of fact,
03:22don't want to brag,
03:23but I've been in character all week.
03:25Okay, well,
03:26I don't think you're quite what we're looking for.
03:28Come on, man.
03:29No, I've been coming here for years,
03:31and you never put me past you to the director.
03:33Well, listen,
03:34we have a lot of people
03:36are going to be reading for this role.
03:37No, I'm going to see the director.
03:39You're going to put me through with the director.
03:39That's what you're going to do,
03:40because I deserve it.
03:41I deserve it.
03:42I am a trained actor, okay?
03:44I have spent thousands of dollars on acting classes,
03:47and are you going to try and tell me
03:48that was just all for nothing,
03:49that all that money was just a waste?
03:52Well, not for your acting teacher, hmm?
03:56You know, guys,
04:03it occurs to me
04:04that with this new employee,
04:06we could be looking at a lot less work
04:08and a lot more available time.
04:10Perhaps we should consider a vacation.
04:12Oh, that's not a bad idea, man.
04:14I've actually been getting a lot more comfortable
04:16with the idea of travel lately.
04:18Like, check this out.
04:19Did you guys know that Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania?
04:22Yes.
04:23Yeah.
04:23Now, think about that.
04:24That's crazy.
04:25Like, two cities in one state,
04:27No.
04:27No, that's not crazy.
04:28No, not at all.
04:29No, no, no.
04:31All right, I don't think I understand this.
04:32Two cities in the same state.
04:33Like, how is that even possible?
04:36All states have more than one city.
04:40No.
04:40Yes.
04:41No.
04:41Yes.
04:42There's Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
04:45Yes.
04:45So that's what Pennsylvania is.
04:48Oh, no.
04:48Oh, so Philadelphia's not Pennsylvania?
04:50No.
04:51No.
04:51No, Philadelphia is in Pennsylvania.
04:53What is this man talking about?
04:54I was saying,
04:55how's Pittsburgh work?
04:56Am I constantly going in and out of Pittsburgh throughout the day?
04:58Yes or no?
04:58No.
04:59Well, explain this to me.
05:01Oh, oh, I understand.
05:03I think I understand.
05:04Finally, somebody gets it.
05:05He's saying he wants to go on a vacation.
05:07Well, yeah.
05:07He wants to go somewhere exotic.
05:09He wants to go to Fire Island.
05:10He wants to go to Greece.
05:11No.
05:11He wants to experiment.
05:12That's not what I'm saying.
05:13No.
05:14That is not what he's saying.
05:15We're not going to Pittsburgh.
05:16Because we're already there.
05:17We're not in Pittsburgh.
05:18We're in Philadelphia.
05:19I, this, this is not easy.
05:21Hey, look.
05:23Check it out.
05:25What the hell is this?
05:26It's Dee's replacement.
05:28Why did you get a monkey?
05:29Well, you know,
05:29we're going to hire a girl to do Dee's job.
05:32We're going to have to pay her.
05:33You don't have to pay a monkey shit.
05:35So, I got a monkey instead.
05:37Because like I said,
05:38a monkey could do her job.
05:40Okay, but that's just an expression, Frank.
05:42We need an actual person.
05:44Oh, yeah?
05:44Check this out.
05:45Monkey.
05:46Beer.
05:52See?
05:53Great, huh?
05:55No.
05:56No, not great.
05:57Ridiculous.
05:57You think a monkey can run a bar?
05:59Run a bar?
06:01I thought it was just to do Dee's job.
06:03Oh, yeah.
06:03We need someone to watch over the bar
06:05because we're going to go on vacation.
06:06Right.
06:06Ooh, vacation?
06:07Has anybody floated out Pittsburgh?
06:10What is with you guys in Pittsburgh?
06:12Okay, we're not going to Pittsburgh.
06:13If we're going to go on vacation,
06:14we're going to go someplace good.
06:16Yeah, thanks.
06:17I mean, we've got the whole world to choose from.
06:19You guys want to go to the second best city
06:21in Pennsylvania?
06:22It's crazy.
06:23Well, I don't know.
06:23Like, are we in Pittsburgh right now?
06:25Like, you know, how does Pittsburgh work?
06:26Hang on a second now.
06:28That is really good.
06:30What did the monkey put in this?
06:31It beats me.
06:34Okay.
06:34Well, it's very, very delicious.
06:37What's the deal with this monkey, anyway?
06:38He's some kind of mixologist?
06:40He used to work in the movies.
06:41He comes from a long line of movie monkeys.
06:44Rumor has it that he also did a short stint
06:47making drinks for Kitty Dukakis.
06:49Okay.
06:49Okay, interesting.
06:50You know, those are stiff.
06:52Eventually, we're going to need an actual person
06:53to run the bar if we're going to go on vacation,
06:55you know, but while we're landing on where exactly to go,
06:57let's, uh...
06:58Mmm.
07:00Let's keep the monkey wrong,
07:01because that is the best beer I've ever had
07:03in my entire life.
07:04I swear to God.
07:05Dee has never made a beer that tastes like that.
07:06You guys got to try this.
07:08Yeah.
07:09Monkey.
07:09Three more.
07:10Yeah.
07:11All right.
07:12Yeah.
07:13Hello.
07:16Good afternoon.
07:18I'm Deandra Reynolds,
07:20and thank you all so much for joining my acting class.
07:23For starters,
07:25I don't have a limp.
07:30Right?
07:31Don't be shy.
07:34Thank you so much.
07:37Oh, here's the thing.
07:38The first order of business,
07:41and perhaps the most important thing,
07:43is payment.
07:44Now, did everyone have a chance to get cash
07:46or a cashier's check?
07:48Okay, good.
07:48Great.
07:49Great.
07:49Wonderful.
07:50Okay, well, let's get started.
07:52Chainsaw, avocado, marlin.
07:54What'd I just say?
07:55You.
07:55Um, chainsaw, avocado, marlin?
07:59Right!
08:00Which is wrong.
08:02You just violated the first rule of acting.
08:05You listened.
08:06When you are listening, you are not talking.
08:09And if you're not talking, you're not getting paid.
08:11You know who doesn't talk throughout an entire movie?
08:14An extra.
08:16Which brings me to rule number two.
08:18Acting is...
08:20Oh, um, reacting.
08:22Wrong again.
08:23Acting is ignoring.
08:26Think about it.
08:27Ignore reality.
08:28You're in a casting office, not Jurassic Park.
08:30Ignore your scene partner,
08:32because you better goddamn believe they're ignoring you.
08:34And for Christ's sake, ignore the script, okay?
08:37You're better than a writer, right?
08:39Writers are dorks, okay?
08:41Any questions?
08:43No!
08:44Put your hands down!
08:45No!
08:46Don't ask questions.
08:48That shows you don't know something
08:49which makes you look weak.
08:51Got it?
08:52Now, if we could circle back on the payment thing again,
08:55it's pretty important to me, okay?
08:57Because I'm dead serious.
08:58You're not walking out of here
08:59without the payment.
09:01Oh, my God, Charlie.
09:03We're not going to Scranton.
09:05All right, fine.
09:05What about Harrisburg, Williamsport, Altoona?
09:08Okay, will you at least consider
09:10going someplace outside of Pennsylvania?
09:13All those cities are in Pennsylvania?
09:15Are you kidding me?
09:15Like, you don't want to know...
09:16Thank you, monkey.
09:17You don't want to know, like,
09:18how this shit works, man?
09:19No.
09:20I don't want to find out
09:21how zoning districts work.
09:23I don't care about that.
09:24Thank you, monkey.
09:24I want to go somewhere exotic.
09:26Baltimore.
09:27Baltimore's not exotic, Frank.
09:29I'll tell you, I've seen shit happen in Baltimore
09:32that would blow your mind.
09:33Thank you, monkey.
09:34You know what, guys?
09:35I'll tell you what.
09:36Regardless of where we decide to go,
09:37we're taking this goddamn monkey
09:38because I love this guy.
09:39I love him.
09:40It would be great if we could hire more monkeys
09:42to do our job for us while we're gone,
09:44like a team of monkeys around the bar,
09:45you know what I mean?
09:46Oh, yeah.
09:47Well, they're all out of work now, you know?
09:49Yeah.
09:49Yeah, because Hollywood decided
09:50you can't beat them no more,
09:52so they had to set them all free.
09:53Are you seriously?
09:54Can't be monkeys.
09:55Those monkeys don't even have jobs anymore
09:57because of these snowflaces?
09:59These Hollywood.
10:00Oh, my God.
10:00I do have to admit, though,
10:01it is a little disappointing
10:03to discover that a team of primates
10:05could do our jobs for us,
10:07but I'm going to blow past it
10:09because I really do want to come up
10:10with a vacation spot for us, you know?
10:12So here's what I'm thinking, guys.
10:13Everybody grab a napkin there, okay?
10:15Grab a napkin,
10:16and everybody write down
10:19a destination on the napkin,
10:21and then we'll put that destination
10:23in this bowl right here.
10:24I'll pick one out,
10:26and that way not one of us decides,
10:28but we let fate take over.
10:30What do you guys think about that plan?
10:32Okay.
10:33I didn't say that I don't love you.
10:35Then what is it?
10:36Is it my gang ties?
10:37Because I don't need that shit.
10:38I'll leave it all behind.
10:39Just tell me what's wrong.
10:41The baby.
10:42It's not yours.
10:44It's my...
10:45my...
10:47my father's.
10:49Bigger.
10:49My father's.
10:51Louder.
10:51My father's.
10:54Yes, good.
10:55Now you go.
10:57Your father's.
10:58Louder.
10:59Your father's.
11:01Okay.
11:02Now this is what I'm talking about.
11:04Nice work.
11:05Do you all see that?
11:06God damn.
11:07That's what I want.
11:08I want to be able to see your performance
11:09from the fucking moon.
11:11Guys, the louder you are,
11:13the more people have to pay attention to you.
11:15Yeah, I don't understand the script.
11:18What movie did you say this is from?
11:19I, I didn't, I wrote it.
11:22It's a mashup of Chinatown
11:23and Tupac Shakur's poetic justice.
11:26Oh.
11:27Are you going to write all the scenes?
11:29Well, there you go,
11:30asking a bunch of questions again, Tony.
11:33Uh, Kiki, how does that make him seem to you?
11:36Um, weak.
11:37Weak!
11:38Good.
11:38Very good.
11:39Now you, Kiki, you're really getting this.
11:41But did you feel that?
11:42Did you feel how he went from like a hot stud
11:44you'd like to bang
11:45to a weak little bitch
11:46right before your eyes?
11:48Right?
11:48I mean, that doesn't mean I still wouldn't do him,
11:50but that's between him and me.
11:52Tony, see me after class.
11:53Um, okay.
11:56Wrong!
11:56Wrong!
11:57Okay.
11:58People in power will try and bang you.
12:01Now, sometimes it will be necessary
12:03to get the part,
12:05but assess the situation.
12:06Why go all the way
12:07when a simple hand job will suffice?
12:10Tony, do see me after class.
12:11And the place
12:14that we're going to is
12:16Yellow.
12:20Yellow?
12:20What is this?
12:22Who wrote this?
12:24Uh, me.
12:26Yeah.
12:26Were you trying to say
12:27Yellowstone?
12:29Uh, no.
12:30Uh, just yellow.
12:31Just yellow.
12:32Just the color yellow.
12:32I panicked, you know?
12:33You're shooting down
12:34all the other places I've been naming,
12:36so I couldn't think of something.
12:36Okay, well, that's not a goddamn place,
12:37idiot.
12:37So, I'm going to try this again.
12:39Next place I pick out,
12:40that's where we're going to go.
12:41Mm-hmm.
12:43Purple!
12:45What is happening?
12:46That was me.
12:47Yeah, I did purple.
12:48You did purple?
12:49Yeah.
12:49Two of you wrote colors?
12:50Okay, so you thought it was a color.
12:50I didn't understand the assignment either.
12:52It was not clear.
12:53I said write down a destination
12:54and two people wrote down colors.
12:56I don't understand.
12:56I like purple.
12:57I like purple too, Frank.
12:58That's my goal.
12:59Well, maybe we can go there.
13:00That could be pretty good.
13:00Go where?
13:01Purple?
13:02That's not a place.
13:03You know, you're right.
13:05I think, um,
13:06these beers are a little shit.
13:08Are you drunk?
13:09These beers are a little strong.
13:11I will admit that the beers are all strong
13:12and I was anticipating.
13:13I like this beer.
13:14You know what, guys?
13:15I'm having a lot of fun here.
13:17Wow.
13:17But I do want to figure this out.
13:18So, new plan.
13:19All right, here's what we're going to do.
13:20Instead of writing down places,
13:23why don't we write down
13:24keywords or phrases, you know?
13:27Let's go with our instincts, you know?
13:29Whatever we want to feel,
13:30whatever we want to experience
13:31on the vacation, okay?
13:33And then we'll put it up on a board.
13:34We'll look at it all together
13:35and maybe the destination
13:37will just reveal itself to us.
13:39And we can drink more monkey beer.
13:44Monkey!
13:44We'll drink monkey beer
13:45while we're doing it.
13:46Four more monkey beers, monkey.
13:47Monkey!
13:48Monkey!
13:48Monkey!
13:48Monkey!
13:49Monkey beer!
13:50One more!
13:51Mr. Reynolds,
13:52can I talk to you for a second?
13:54Oh, God, what's this?
13:55Listen, if you don't have the cash,
13:57you're going to want to borrow it
13:58from, like, an uncle
13:58or a friend or something
13:59because I don't make exceptions.
14:00No, it's not the money.
14:03I just wanted to say thank you.
14:07It feels so good to be seen like that.
14:10My parents don't really believe in me, so...
14:12Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
14:13Stop talking.
14:15Holy shit.
14:17You're making me realize something here.
14:20Maybe this doesn't have to be a scam.
14:22What?
14:23Well, what I mean is
14:24I was just able to give you something
14:26your parents never did
14:27and all I had to do was
14:28toss you a single compliment.
14:32I can control you.
14:35I can make you feel
14:36however I want you to feel,
14:37which will help you
14:38be a better actor.
14:39Oh, I do want to be a better actor.
14:40Shh, I'm not done.
14:43Oh, that's...
14:44that's real power.
14:46Way more power than just acting
14:47and I think that's what it was
14:48probably all about for me, you know?
14:50I just...
14:51I was searching for a sense of control.
14:53Oh, Kiki, you were...
14:55terrible.
14:58Wait, I was?
14:59No.
15:00No, I'm kidding.
15:04You were amazing.
15:05And you're going to make it.
15:08I believe in you.
15:10Oh, you do.
15:12Maybe.
15:13I'm not going to tell you right now.
15:18But yes!
15:21Oh, my God!
15:22This is...
15:23This is amazing.
15:24Yes, Kiki, yes!
15:25I'm going to be there for you.
15:27I'm going to be the mother and father
15:28that you never had.
15:29I'm only going to take 35%
15:31of all your future earnings
15:33and I will never,
15:34never
15:34turn my back on you.
15:36Do you understand?
15:37Yes.
15:37Because you...
15:38Can you give me one second?
15:39My phone is buzzing
15:40off the hook in my pocket.
15:41One sec.
15:42Yellow.
15:43No!
15:43Oh, I'm going to see the director.
15:44You're going to put the news back on you.
15:45Um, hi.
15:46Yes.
15:46Is this Deandra Reynolds?
15:47I deserve it.
15:48Yeah.
15:48Right.
15:49Well, uh, I'm so sorry to just call you out of the blue.
15:51Faster.
15:52What?
15:53Faster.
15:54Right.
15:54Brilliant.
15:55Um, well, I am the director of the TV show
15:57that you crashed the audition on the other day
15:59and we have a role that...
16:01Slower.
16:01All right.
16:04Um, well, as I was saying,
16:06I am the director.
16:09Too slow.
16:09Don't start over.
16:10Okay.
16:12Uh, well, I saw your tape
16:13and based on what I saw
16:15and this conversation,
16:17I think we have a part that might be right for you.
16:19Stop.
16:21Attention, everyone.
16:22Dea Reynolds' acting school is officially closed
16:25and I'm sorry there will be no return on investments
16:27but it was in the fine print.
16:28Have a wonderful afternoon.
16:30Continue.
16:31Oh, my God.
16:38Ugh.
16:39Guys.
16:40What the hell is happening?
16:43Guys, wake up.
16:44Huh?
16:45Wake.
16:46Huh?
16:46Oh, my God.
16:48My head is killing me.
16:49What happened?
16:50I'm very hungover.
16:52I do not feel good.
16:53Charlie, you're full of scratches.
16:55So are you.
16:57Wait, I got scratches, too.
16:59Dude, Mac, I think you got bit in the neck, man.
17:01Is that shit on the bar?
17:03What is that sour, salty taste in my mouth?
17:07Do you guys have that?
17:07Yeah, I got that.
17:08Yes, I have that.
17:09What is that?
17:10Yeah, it's real bad.
17:11Oh, God.
17:12Uh-oh, guys.
17:13I feel like shit.
17:14I think we've been outsmarted.
17:16What?
17:16Huh?
17:17The monkey got us drunk, assaulted us, robbed a bar, and possibly fucked our mouths.
17:24Oh, God.
17:28Yeah, the guy who sold him to me did say something like this could happen.
17:31Oh, God.
17:32He did?
17:33Yeah, apparently the monkey's grandfather was Fatty Arbuckle's monkey.
17:37And you know how these things go.
17:38These monkeys are passed down from one Hollywood creep to the next until eventually they wind
17:44up under a bridge in Philly getting drunk and pulling scams.
17:49Oh, God damn.
17:50All right.
17:50What?
17:51All right.
17:51All right.
17:51We got to think about this.
17:52All right.
17:52So let's not take the monkey on our vacation.
17:56Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
17:57The vacation.
17:58I think we landed on a vacation destination last night.
18:01Okay.
18:01We did.
18:01We did.
18:02Look, look, look.
18:03Oh, we did?
18:04Yeah, we got something on here.
18:05Let's, um, okay.
18:07Should we see where we're going?
18:08Yeah, where are we going?
18:09Where are we going?
18:09Where are we going?
18:10All right.
18:10Here we go.
18:13Monkey beer island of green and fight.
18:17God damn it.
18:18That's not a place.
18:19That's not a place?
18:19No, it's not.
18:20No, it's not a goddamn place.
18:22You know what this is?
18:23This is the ramblings of four men who got very, very drunk last night on a mystery concoction
18:26invented by a wild animal.
18:28Why can't we just be normal?
18:30That is what it is.
18:30That's so weird.
18:31Why would we do that?
18:32Because the monkey beers were so delicious.
18:34All right?
18:35That monkey may have been a pervert, but he was also a genius, which is often the case
18:39in Hollywood.
18:39You know what I'm thinking?
18:40Because I'm seeing a lot of empty whiskey bottles around.
18:43I'm thinking maybe that monkey was just pouring like half a bottle of whiskey in each
18:47beer.
18:47That could be.
18:47Based on my hangover, I think that's what I'm, that's what I'm trying to do.
18:50Attracts.
18:51Yeah.
18:51So monkey beer is just whiskey.
18:55Whiskey beer.
18:57Beer.
18:58So whiskey beer islands of green and fight.
19:04We're nowhere.
19:04We're nowhere.
19:05Whoa.
19:06What the hell happened?
19:08Yeah.
19:09You know what?
19:09Don't care.
19:10Do not even care.
19:11Because guess what, dick nips?
19:12This big, dumb, flightless bird just booked a huge acting gig.
19:16Why don't you feast your eyes on obnoxious American milf number one?
19:21Ha ha ha ha!
19:23In your faces!
19:25That's right.
19:26And guess what?
19:26I leave tomorrow morning at 6.30 a.m. on a first class flight because it shoots in
19:32Ireland, baby.
19:34Yeah!
19:36Body slam!
19:37Ha ha ha ha!
19:40I mean, she comes in screaming.
19:43Catching like a witch.
19:44Just screaming and screeching like...
19:46Oh my God.
19:48Oh my God.
19:58What?
19:59I don't know.
19:59What is it?
20:00I don't know.
20:00I don't know, right?
20:01I don't know, Frank looks at me...
20:02Why did you guys act like you know what it was then?
20:04I don't know.
20:04We were all getting excited.
20:05I was excited.
20:06Yeah.
20:06God damn it.
20:07Frank, you tell them what it is.
20:08Yeah, what is it?
20:09I don't know what it is.
20:10Okay, yeah, we don't know.
20:11No, no, no.
20:12We don't know what it is.
20:12Guys, whiskey beer island of green and fight?
20:19That's Ireland.
20:20God damn, you guys.
20:21What is this delicious drink?
20:23This is good.
20:24I was going to go home and get some sleep, but I might have to get a couple soda pops in
20:27first.
20:28You know what I mean?
20:29Nice job.
20:34Oh, wow.
20:36Is that poop?
20:36Hey!
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