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00:00When you look at the murders of women across the world, including India, including U.S. as well,
00:06a very large proportion of those murders happen at the hands of close relatives or lovers.
00:14Horrific murder that has shocked the nation.
00:16A national-level tennis player was shot yet yesterday by her father.
00:22In her own three-story house in Gurugram, a cosmopolitan city.
00:26What the father has done is one of the most, you know, demonic acts.
00:32What happens that we reach to this extent to commit this kind of crime?
00:39Anything that tastes sweet is named love.
00:43And then boom, there is that explosion.
00:45And then you say, how could it happen to me? How could it happen to me?
00:48It was always happening. You don't see the violence cooking.
00:52Hear that loud explosion happening very frequently.
00:56Only sometimes can we visibly see the blood flowing and hear the bullets fired.
01:02Other times we think the situation is normal.
01:06We say it's a peaceful relationship.
01:08Thing is, it is never really peaceful.
01:10What passes for love is mostly something very ugly and potentially very violent.
01:15First, I would like to introduce myself.
01:24My name is Ara.
01:27I've been here in the U.S. for almost 30 years.
01:32And I'm a high school science teacher.
01:35First of all, I would like to say thank you, thank you, thank you.
01:41I don't know how many times, you know, I have to say that, you know, to express my gratitude.
01:48You know, words are not sufficient.
01:52I've been in this pursuit my entire life, but I think I reached where I'm supposed to be.
01:59But today's question is regarding the incident that happened in Grugram, where a father healed his daughter.
02:10And if we look at the daughter's accomplishments, it seems like she did, you know, really well.
02:22And reaching at that level is not that easy without all the support from the family and the parents.
02:29But now, what the father has done is one of the most, you know, demonic acts anybody could do.
02:42So the question is, where do we go wrong?
02:47What happens that we reach to this extent to commit this kind of crime?
02:54Because it doesn't seem like the father is a criminal or any, you know, sort of that mentality.
03:07So what do you think, you know?
03:11We do not know the facts of the case.
03:16So I cannot really respond to this one particular case, though, obviously, at a macro level, we know
03:31that a young woman has been murdered.
03:34That is certain.
03:35We also know that the murderer is her own father.
03:41That too is certain.
03:44But beyond that, we do not know the mechanisms, the objectives, and what all was happening
03:53behind for several months and years.
04:01We do not know that.
04:02But yes, we can talk of all such cases in a general sense, not this particular case.
04:14But this is not a case.
04:16It is a category.
04:17We can talk of the category.
04:22Yes, there is an important point you raised.
04:27Like you said, the woman, the diseased girl, she had reached a particular level in her sport.
04:44And that cannot happen without the support of family and the surroundings.
04:55And the support is not merely in the form of a nod.
05:01It also requires active financial assistance and a few other things.
05:06So, all that must have been forthcoming.
05:10And then we find this event which appears abrupt.
05:20It appears to go against the flow.
05:26It appears to breach the narrative.
05:32You see, narratives are never breached.
05:38If what appears like a breach is just a revelation.
05:47Nothing happens suddenly.
05:50This case, any other case, wherever it happens, whenever it happens,
05:54if you find an incidence of grotesque violence or sudden explosion,
06:05it is for sure never sudden.
06:11It was present there all the time.
06:15Just that it becomes visible one particular moment.
06:19And it is quite possible that it might not become visible next 50 years.
06:29That too could have happened and happens in most of the cases.
06:33It is very much possible that a father or a brother or a lover decides to kill a woman.
06:42And in the final moment, in the nick of time, he changes his mind.
06:53Or somebody shows up, the doorbell rings and the moment passes.
07:00And then just randomly, circumstantially, you find that that kind of moment never again arrives
07:14or arrives only after 15 years.
07:19And then we entitle ourselves to say that all has been fine for the next 15 years
07:29or for the next 50 years till both the persons die a natural death.
07:37No, it's not really like that most relationships, especially involving young women.
07:51They are always on the edge.
07:54Always at the brink of a catastrophe.
08:03Just that most of such happenings are held back.
08:12Either because of fear or because of random playoff situations or something.
08:17So we don't hear that loud explosion happening very frequently.
08:24Only sometimes does it actually materialize.
08:28Only sometimes can we visibly see the blood flowing and hear the bullets fired.
08:36Other times we think the situation is normal.
08:41We say it's a peaceful relationship.
08:44Thing is, it is never really peaceful.
08:46Just because we do not actively hear gunshots being fired, does not mean that things are peaceful between partners or between parents and kids, especially daughters.
09:11No, not at all.
09:15You said there must have been active support.
09:18Otherwise, the girl couldn't have gone so far in her professional pursuit.
09:23Yes, but you see there is an invisible boundary and a glass ceiling.
09:29You can do, but you can do only so much and you will be allowed to do so much because you see we don't want to be called bad people.
09:49We don't want to be labeled regressive and we want to be on the right side of morality.
09:59So when the daughter asks for something, it has to be provided to the extent culture and conditioning and self-interest allow.
10:17Let that not deceive us.
10:23There are clear boundaries and those boundaries have been mined.
10:34You step there and there is an explosion.
10:36You are saying what I am understanding that what the parents are doing for kids, for their children, is they are doing within a certain, the limits of their mental setup.
11:01They don't, if they, if things go beyond that, then it's unacceptable, it becomes unacceptable and this kind, these kind of things happen.
11:11Yes, yes.
11:12You see, the bird has to be trained to fly.
11:17That makes it look cute and then it can perch itself on, on the door or, or on the Almira and fly from room to room.
11:40Right?
11:41The problem is soon the bird wants to explore the open skies and that's when the weapons come out and the shots are fired.
12:02So it's alright as far as you want to enjoy limited freedom, qualified freedom, conditioned freedom, curtailed freedom.
12:16Because giving you that much freedom helps me feel good about myself.
12:24I am a good parent, I am a very benevolent father, I am a loving and caring mother.
12:31You see how much I do for you?
12:34You see how much I do for you?
12:35I am a very good husband, a very responsible one.
12:42But, and then all of that appears not just alright, but actually quite present.
12:52But, but the moment you test the boundaries,
12:55you find you are not even left intact to hear the explosion.
13:05We said the boundaries have all been mined.
13:09You can, you can think of it as a flower garden.
13:14A beautiful garden.
13:17With very colorful and tender flowers.
13:20All of them singing of romance.
13:24All of them singing of romance.
13:27Butterflies and rainbows.
13:29That kind of a garden.
13:34And the fence is mined.
13:40Try to step out and you'll be blown to pieces.
13:46And as long as you remain within,
13:48you will entertain the illusion that you are a free bird.
13:57Not just free, but actually loved and cared for.
14:04And, and that which you will experience will indeed look so much like love.
14:09The, the father comes to drop you at the stadium.
14:17The husband comes to pick you up from the office.
14:22So much love, so much care, so much security.
14:29That's the thing.
14:30What passes for love is mostly something very ugly and potentially very violent.
14:36And, yesterday, there was this discussion.
14:41Shiva was there.
14:42So, we said, just two days after her murder,
14:46Iga Swantik, same age,
14:52she lifted the Wimbledon Trophy.
14:55And this girl died because she wanted to play and teach tennis.
15:00And another girl, she's from Poland.
15:09That's the difference.
15:14The West is a little ahead of India when it comes to challenging the script.
15:20When you look at the murders of women across the world,
15:24including India, including US as well.
15:29I suppose 70, 80 percent, a very large proportion
15:36of those murders happen at the hands of close relatives or lovers.
15:42That's for women, not for men.
15:50When you, when you look at homicide cases,
15:59where men have been murdered,
16:03the murderer is not very frequently from within an intimate circle.
16:07But when it comes to the murder of women,
16:15there is an overwhelming chance that the murderer is a loved one.
16:22Typically,
16:25a male, she has a family relation with
16:31or a blood relation with or an emotional relation with.
16:34It's typically the father or the brother or the husband or the lover
16:43or the father-in-law or somebody.
16:49These are exactly the people she thinks she is getting love from.
16:53And that's the reason often,
17:00I feel not just irritated, but actually furious,
17:05when it comes to women.
17:09So easily taken in, deliberately gullible.
17:15Anything that tastes sweet,
17:19is named love.
17:23Just go and open the car door for her
17:36or pull the chair for her
17:39at the coffee table
17:41or say a few
17:47sweet nothings
17:53hey, you seem to have lost some weight.
17:57It's a guaranteed winner, always, since eternity.
18:04And then boom!
18:07There is that explosion.
18:09And then you say,
18:11how could it happen to me? How could it happen to me?
18:14It was always happening.
18:15You are just blinded by your emotions,
18:25your need for security,
18:29your conditioning.
18:38You don't see the violence cooking.
18:40You don't see the violence cooking.
18:45How many acid attack victims are men, please?
19:00In the case of a breakup,
19:03if there is emotional trauma, it would be on both sides, right?
19:08Or sometimes on one side and other times on the other side, right?
19:12Why are women never found spraying acid on the faces of men?
19:20We don't question that.
19:24And we make no inferences.
19:27We don't come to the obvious conclusions.
19:31What you take as love was never love in the first place.
19:34It's not a case of a great thing having gone wrong or sour.
19:44No, the thing was always rotten.
19:50And you have been lucky to have survived till the point of explosion.
19:55Why are there so many laws to protect women all over the world and in India?
20:11The reason is simple.
20:13Because they are very vulnerable to exploitation.
20:18Otherwise, why would laws be needed?
20:20And a lot of this vulnerability is avoidable.
20:29It is self-inflicted.
20:30So how do you bring this change?
20:44How do you bring this change?
20:44How do you bring this change?
20:44How do you bring this change?
20:46How do you bring the girls and the women to think differently?
20:52Especially even the new generation around me that I see and they feel like they are very much
21:03quote-unquote liberated and they know what to do, you know.
21:07But I still feel the pressure, the societal pressure on them, but they're not ready to admit.
21:16It's not the pressure.
21:17It's a deal.
21:17It's a deal and they'll have to walk out of the deal.
21:24It's a deal that promises sweetness and security.
21:32It's a deal, it's not pressure.
21:39They'll have to stop living in fairy tales.
21:41Those ancient cliches and caricatures and stereotypes.
21:56The doting father, the loving mother,
21:58the mischievous brother, the mischievous brother, the protective and possessive husband.
22:10And if you do not...
22:17Please, please, please.
22:19Please, please.
22:21No, it's a deal.
22:23The deal is, you accept these images, these tales and if you accept them,
22:30then you will get all the things as per the role you have accepted in the story.
22:41You see, the deal is, here is a story.
22:44Kindly, kindly, adopt yourself to the character.
22:53And if you play this character, then Papa will play that character.
23:01That's the deal.
23:02You play the sweet, obedient, dainty girl.
23:09And Papa will play the superman provider.
23:17You need to reject this deal.
23:25It's a bad deal and that needs to be seen.
23:27It's a very, very bad deal.
23:35I could have understood.
23:36Historically, yes, there was pressure because
23:40women are physically
23:44at a disadvantage.
23:49And mankind has discovered
23:51artificial sources of energy only
23:59a little recently in history.
24:03Before that, we needed to depend
24:09on our own muscle power.
24:15Human muscular energy.
24:17And women didn't have
24:20too much of that compared to men.
24:24So, they were disadvantaged, yes.
24:26But now they are not.
24:30We don't use
24:32our own muscular energy, our biceps or
24:37to drive a car
24:39or even to fly a bomber jet.
24:46Energy comes from elsewhere.
24:49So, it is a deal
24:53that has been historically honoured.
24:58And the momentum of history
25:03now needs to be challenged and broken.
25:06women still accept the same roles
25:17and the same
25:20cliched part in the script.
25:22somebody comes and
25:33and patronises.
25:37And for a lot of girls, that is security.
25:45Somebody speaks to her in a condescending way.
25:53The girl
25:56won't come up with a befitting response.
25:59Why?
25:59Because
26:02it flows in her that she has to play it safe.
26:07Now, you don't need to play it safe.
26:09Because anyway,
26:11you remain unsafe even while playing it safe.
26:14You don't need to take it lying down anymore.
26:22Because even if you take it lying down anymore,
26:26he is never going to be satisfied.
26:30He will walk all over you.
26:33And one day, as a reaction
26:39to your little protest,
26:40you will just be shot.
26:46How is it a good deal
26:49if that's what you get even after years
26:52of being subservient?
27:07I often say and
27:09I say it so repetitively,
27:11it has again become some kind of a cliche.
27:16You are a human being.
27:17Why are you carrying all the marks
27:24and symptoms
27:28of the medieval woman?
27:47you look at the way
27:52brides are dressed up.
27:53Please understand.
28:01So much metal on the body,
28:04so much textile
28:07and so much silica.
28:08this is your
28:15principle
28:16physical organ of defiance.
28:19Keeping aside this, right?
28:23Even symbolically,
28:26this is
28:27what stands for strength,
28:29fortitude,
28:31rebellion,
28:32individuality, right?
28:34This.
28:34and then you are wearing so much glass here.
28:47Why shouldn't we more honestly
28:52call that as handcuffs?
28:55Because that performs exactly the same function.
29:00Now, you can't run away.
29:01Now, you can't fight.
29:02Now, you can't protest.
29:05Otherwise, the glass
29:07will pierce
29:11your own arm.
29:19And this is the place the arm is weakest at.
29:23And it will be pierced.
29:25You try to fight
29:26fight.
29:28With that much silicon oxide
29:31on your wrist.
29:33And see how your wrists are slashed.
29:42But women say they love it.
29:46Am I not pretty?
29:56You see, please, please understand.
30:18History has nothing for you.
30:19Just nothing.
30:29You only have this.
30:34The past holds no offerings for you.
30:38I am speaking to women.
30:48Those who are beneficiaries of the
30:52systems of the past,
30:54exploitative or otherwise,
30:59let them stick to the past if they would.
31:01And it sounds reasonable if they do that, right?
31:10They were the beneficiaries of all kinds of social and economic and
31:15religious systems of the past.
31:17So, they want the past to carry forward.
31:21That is understandable.
31:22But what benefit do women
31:26get from caring for the past?
31:33What have you obtained?
31:40He decide infanticide.
31:43Very little representation in any level of decision making
31:48at the level of the family, society.
31:52Community, country.
31:59Not even having
32:04a say over your own body.
32:09Being incessantly
32:13pregnant,
32:16rather impregnated.
32:21What stakes do you have in history?
32:31You have the present.
32:35And if you can be liberated, you will probably have
32:40a good future.
32:43But why do you want to stick to the stereotypes of the past?
32:47There is nothing for you there.
32:48But she is rewarded.
32:52She is rewarded.
32:54And that's what does her in.
32:58That's where she is fooled.
33:00Or chooses to be fooled.
33:04You submit your freedom.
33:07And we will offer you goodies.
33:08That's the pact I am asking her to walk out of.
33:17The deal needs to be broken.
33:34We need the human being.
33:35Not the gender caricature.
33:47And that's what all right thinking men are also aspiring for.
33:52Please understand.
33:54It's not a thing
33:56of women against men.
34:00One gender against the other.
34:02It is about
34:08sane human beings versus insane human beings.
34:12Sane men, we said right thinking men.
34:22Those who care for themselves.
34:25I am not saying care for women.
34:27Even men who really understand life.
34:33They are eagerly waiting for
34:35women to walk out of the past and step in
34:39into the present.
34:46However, what we see is that in, even in the name of modernity,
34:53the past just continues.
35:02I don't know what attraction the past and the traditions
35:05means hold for women.
35:17Give her all kinds of empowerment.
35:21And even this is a patronising statement.
35:22Is it not give her empowerment?
35:24And then in the name of choice, she will surrender her freedom.
35:40She will say, you know, I don't want to be a working woman.
35:44That is my free choice.
35:45I.V. League or the IIT's and IIM's in India.
35:55Just figure out how many women continue to work 10 years after passing out.
36:0110 years after graduation, a scary number of them is out of the workforce.
36:18And you cannot say, you know, they have been bulldozed into this decision.
36:22They'll say it's our sovereign choice.
36:25No, it's not your sovereign choice.
36:29It's the past is still continuing surreptitiously.
36:35In the absence of self-knowledge, you do not know where your choices are coming from.
36:41Your choices are coming from that ancient cave.
36:49Your choices are coming from that medieval mansion.
36:55Yesterday, I was talking to a psychologist, you know.
37:03She's very young, American.
37:07And even she was questioning.
37:13She's like, I have listened to Acharajji.
37:16And Acharajji, this exactly what you are addressing right now.
37:21You know, that why he always talks about women's emotions.
37:28You know, being a psychologist, she was like, you know, this is a trait, you know, women
37:35carry and it can be sometimes beneficial.
37:40And I asked her, it's like, okay, you know, tell me.
37:44You know, she's like, they can express themselves, you know, and if that's the way they express themselves, you know, so be it.
37:51So, but the things that is like, and she's like, Acharajji, he doesn't think from their perspective and he tries to impose things on women.
38:04And it's like, oh, okay, you know, so I, my, because, you know, she's a psychologist and she works with, you know, all different kind of girls and women.
38:16And I was like, okay, there are some who have this opportunity to go through this counseling and all that.
38:26But tell me what percentage have the option and what Acharajji is doing.
38:31He's asking them to stay stronger and, you know, stand up for themselves.
38:37Tell me what other way he can access to, you know, these females and reach them other than what he's doing.
38:45And she's like, oh, yeah, that makes sense.
38:49But my question to you, what other way or a better way I can address if that kind of question comes next time?
39:03No, it's, it's, it's a very open, very clear thing.
39:07The, the charge is, why can't women be allowed to be with their emotions and express their emotional self and be as they are?
39:28The reason is very simple.
39:30You don't choose your emotions.
39:33Your emotions are, are not yours.
39:38I'm looking at that person, not as someone with breasts and hips and uterus.
39:50I'm looking at that person as consciousness.
39:55And you very well know where emotions come from.
40:00The emotions that we are talking of, lot of them arise from, right from the uterus.
40:04And if there can be a biological procedure or a chemical thing, most of those emotions won't even be experienced and equally, those emotions can be heightened.
40:21Just one injection or a little pill and you'll have a blast of emotions.
40:27Are your emotions really yours?
40:34And then you share those emotions with all other mammals.
40:39What emotions are you talking of?
40:41All emotions are extremely primitive in nature and very physical.
40:47I have nothing against emotions.
40:52But when emotions start hindering your freedom, your liberation, your capacity to see clearly,
41:06then shouldn't we want to inquire into what emotions really are?
41:12Or should we take emotions as something sacred?
41:17Something never to be looked into, let alone questioned?
41:27Lust is an emotion or is it not?
41:31Possessiveness, anger.
41:35And we very well know, I mean, simple question.
41:38Who among us choose our emotions or our thoughts?
41:44Why should we be held hostage to them?
41:58It's about doing the right thing irrespective of the inner feeling.
42:04Your feelings are not who you really are.
42:07Your emotions are not who you really are.
42:10Emotions are transient, they come and go.
42:13Do you come and go?
42:15Do you come and go?
42:16Do you come and go?
42:17And emotions can be very, very strategically and very mischievously aroused by an external stimulus?
42:34The aroma of delicious food and you will have a corresponding emotion in reaction.
42:43Or if you are young and a very attractive person that too scantily clad, deliberately walks past you or brushes against you, you know the emotion that you will experience.
43:03So, you can be arrested.
43:10Not by the police.
43:14But from within.
43:16And your own emotions will be used to manipulate you, to arrest you.
43:22It's as simple as that.
43:23I don't know how somebody who has studied psychology doesn't know the basics.
43:32I'll tell you, it's not that difficult to see.
43:35It is just that it is dangerous to see.
43:38Not difficult, but dangerous.
43:40Because if you acknowledge this, then you will have to give up on a lot of your shallow comforts and may I say cheap interests which we sustain in the name of our emotions.
44:05You see, I mean, that's how I feel like.
44:10That's the final answer to many things.
44:12Is it not?
44:15You say something, you express a desire and the other one wants to enquire into it.
44:22And your final answer could be, no questions asked.
44:27This is what I feel like and this is what I'll do.
44:31And it stops there.
44:32That's the self-interest.
44:35That's the petty gain we are after.
44:45And for that petty thing, we compromise on something very fundamental, very life giving.
44:58Our freedom, which is the very essence of life.
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