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  • 2 days ago
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00:00:00Greasy burgers, chicken too, goes through you like shit through a goose.
00:00:05Jackass food that's hard to chew, but it goes through you like shit through a goose.
00:00:11That's it.
00:00:12Hey, hey.
00:00:13Yeah, we was in harmony.
00:00:15Yeah, we were.
00:00:15That was a good cut.
00:00:16I'm for a fat secret.
00:00:18America.
00:00:21Home of the fat.
00:00:23We got the largest donuts, the largest hamburgers,
00:00:28the largest hot dogs,
00:00:30the largest knockers,
00:00:33and the largest, fattest, hungriest human beings on planet Earth.
00:00:37In fact, if you live in the U.S., you'll probably see more fat in your lifetime than a slaughterhouse floor.
00:00:44Congratulations, swine.
00:00:45And the hormones in the food are enough to make a toddler grow tits.
00:00:50We have way too many fast food joints in America.
00:00:54I mean, there's a park and puke on practically every corner.
00:00:57However, the vomit being served today is way out of control.
00:01:01Things used to be different.
00:01:02Home-cooked meals used to be an American pastime.
00:01:06It's much easier today to just hit up a Jack's Shack for dinner.
00:01:10But at what cost?
00:01:12Although my mom didn't cook that often,
00:01:14I still have many memories of her rattling the pots and pans in our kitchen.
00:01:18This is her way back when.
00:01:20Sometimes, if she wasn't too hungover,
00:01:23she'd whip up some toast or a nice bowl of cereal.
00:01:27Oh, and here's a good picture of her in the kitchen,
00:01:30taken right after she gang-banged about a dozen Hell's Angels.
00:01:34Good one, Mom.
00:01:35In fact, most of my memories of her are in the kitchen.
00:01:38Probably because that's where she kept the booze.
00:01:41The only time we ate out was when one of Mama's boyfriends
00:01:45knocked over a liquor store
00:01:46or when she turned a trick down at the laundromat.
00:01:50Now we have a new public enemy number one,
00:01:53Jack.
00:01:55And his commercials are just a sick display of his power in the fast food market.
00:01:59My name is Jack.
00:02:03Yo, and I'm not wack.
00:02:04My food's more addictive than crack.
00:02:06I got a new sandwich for all you ladies.
00:02:08Take one bite, it's hotter than Hades.
00:02:11And I call it the Suicide Sandwich.
00:02:14Cause it's hotter than a fat bitch.
00:02:15Take one bite and your anus will twist.
00:02:17Snacks with peppers and chili powder.
00:02:19When you creep, you'll never scream louder.
00:02:22For my Suicide Sandwich.
00:02:25Grab ones a day.
00:02:28Diaper not included.
00:02:30Yeah, about as funny as a fart in a morgue.
00:02:34There's a new Jack's popping up every day.
00:02:37And let's not forget the hazards of his horrible food.
00:02:40It's a scary hormone-injected menu of death.
00:02:47Now what would happen if I ate Jack for a month straight?
00:02:51Well, I guess I'd have to know him pretty well, huh?
00:02:54But seriously, I don't know Jack.
00:02:56Not yet, anyway.
00:02:57I've just heard the horror stories.
00:03:00So now it's time I taste what I've been missing.
00:03:03So come on.
00:03:04Yeah!
00:03:06Oh my God!
00:03:08Oink!
00:03:08Let's sit in a row!
00:03:10Let's go.
00:03:11Let's go.
00:03:16Let's go!
00:03:20guitar solo
00:03:50I figured if I was going to go all out on a 30-day jacksbender, I would need a reputable physician to monitor my health.
00:04:19Problem is, I don't have insurance, so I enlisted the medical supervision of an ex-veterinarian who ran an underground clinic down by the L.A. River.
00:04:30Any history of health problems?
00:04:33Not really.
00:04:34No aneurysms, retardation?
00:04:37I did have some mental illness a few years back.
00:04:40Oh, tell me more.
00:04:41Well, let's just say I got a little crazy at Cheesy Chuck's Pizza Parlor one night, and when they arrested me, I was naked in the ball crawl.
00:04:51Are you sexually active?
00:04:53Yes.
00:04:53A girlfriend?
00:04:55Yes.
00:04:56No, I said girlfriend.
00:04:58Um, yeah.
00:05:00Yeah.
00:05:00Right.
00:05:02Any history of family diseases?
00:05:04Let's see, my dad drank till his guts vulcanized, and my mom had every STD and TJ.
00:05:11TJ?
00:05:12Yeah.
00:05:13My mom rode more donkeys down there than Pancho Villa.
00:05:16The reason I ask about your parents is that heredity plays a large part in our health.
00:05:22Why, did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
00:05:25It is?
00:05:26Yeah.
00:05:27It runs in your jeans.
00:05:32Now, are you sure you want to go ahead with this?
00:05:35You realize Jack's food is one of the leading causes of serious health abnormalities.
00:05:44Jack is an evil, sadistic clown that preys upon our children and our community.
00:05:50It's my moral obligation to show this great country exactly what this hormone-injected
00:05:58garbage can do to a human.
00:06:00All right, moron.
00:06:01It's your body.
00:06:02I wouldn't worry too much.
00:06:04You look strong as a horse.
00:06:06So, let's get started with some tests, shall we?
00:06:10Our food is good!
00:06:12It's good for America!
00:06:13The FDA.
00:06:15They're coming down on us.
00:06:17We only use the best ingredients.
00:06:19We use the best shit there is.
00:06:21And the FDA can drink my piss.
00:06:32Doctor is in.
00:06:33And wearing a grin.
00:06:35I've got a PhD in Sado-Name.
00:06:39Lift your gown, spread your cheeks.
00:06:41This physical takes three whole weeks.
00:06:44This lymphometer will make your toes curl.
00:06:47I'll grab your nuts like a starved squirrel.
00:06:50Well, this shouldn't hurt him.
00:06:51What's that for?
00:06:53A little more hypno, a little action for the rectal exam.
00:06:56Now practice suits don't bother me.
00:06:58Because I got some PhD inside of me.
00:07:02So, overall, you're pretty healthy.
00:07:16The worst that can happen to you is you would die an excruciating death and Satan would emerge from the bowels of hell and torment your soul forever.
00:07:24Well, I guess I can live with that.
00:07:29Okay.
00:07:31Good luck, moron.
00:07:33Thanks, Doc.
00:07:33You're a good man.
00:07:34Screw you, hobos!
00:07:44My art campaign is a recipe for success.
00:07:46Smoke, tits, and Satan!
00:07:49Jack, it's not all about rump shaking and tit twirling.
00:07:54It's, um, um...
00:07:55Jack, you're white.
00:07:57Whiter than, uh, albino's ass.
00:08:00Get to the point, dick-licks!
00:08:02White rappers suck.
00:08:04Say that to Anima!
00:08:06Four number one hits this year alone!
00:08:09You didn't have that one hit.
00:08:11Uh, ass hostage?
00:08:13Exactly!
00:08:15Inhale my sausage!
00:08:17I'll make you my ass hostage!
00:08:20But that wigger was a fluke.
00:08:24Well, for some street cred, we do have...
00:08:28Blackjack.
00:08:29What?
00:08:31Roll the tape.
00:08:32My name is Jack, and my ass is black.
00:08:36My burger's a bomb, cause I'm the real Mac.
00:08:38I smack them buns in the beef-bomb toss.
00:08:41Then I throw down my special sauce.
00:08:44You slide your beef in the buns.
00:08:47Come on, you slide your beef in the buns.
00:08:50The all-new blackjack burger.
00:08:53It's hot and it squirts.
00:08:56You're shit, mate!
00:08:59Where on God's white earth did you find this hood rat?
00:09:03Compton Clown School, actually.
00:09:05Top of his class.
00:09:07You dumb prince!
00:09:08There's already an unfunny, fat-ass in Hollywood named Jack Black!
00:09:14No, it's blackjack.
00:09:18Blackjack.
00:09:19F you!
00:09:20I'm Jack, and that's my jail.
00:09:23And don't you forget, there's only one Jack!
00:09:26But Jack, please!
00:09:28Compton, grab your cattle gills and hit the pavement.
00:09:31You're through!
00:09:32Fire!
00:09:33Whatever.
00:09:34I'll see you later at the petting zoo.
00:09:38You better watch yourself in the alley.
00:09:40I'll put your punk ass back in the halfway house where I found you!
00:09:48Yeah, so I'm not going to exercise for a month either.
00:09:51Which suits me fine.
00:09:53I mean, this is L.A.
00:09:56Nobody walks here.
00:10:00People in L.A. are so lazy.
00:10:02If they could drive to the toilet, they would.
00:10:07Speaking of toilets, this is my place right up here.
00:10:13Yeah, my girlfriend's not too hip on this whole experiment thing.
00:10:17She just hates fast food.
00:10:20She says it makes her feel all rubbery.
00:10:24Yeah, we met at a little store in North Hollywood about a year ago.
00:10:32She says she literally felt the wind rush through her body.
00:10:46Oh, hey, honey.
00:10:54I was just talking about you.
00:10:55Yeah, she's a little shy around new people sometimes.
00:11:08All right.
00:11:09Hey, honey.
00:11:10Where'd you put that patch kit?
00:11:14Left leg's looking a little flat.
00:11:22Shut your lousy blowhole and listen to me.
00:11:25It's my body, and if I want to wear a diaper for the rest of my life, that's my problem.
00:11:30Look, get off your lazy ass and fix me a baloney sandwich.
00:11:36I want something nice to eat before I start my Jack's Diet tomorrow.
00:11:44Oh, screw me, huh?
00:11:48Say something now.
00:11:50That's what I thought.
00:11:53Psycho.
00:11:53Well, this is it.
00:12:08Day one.
00:12:10The first meal of the day.
00:12:11The most important meal of the day.
00:12:14Breakfast.
00:12:14Yeah, I'll have a Flappy Jack's breakfast combo.
00:12:21This is every kid's dream.
00:12:24Jack's.
00:12:25For breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
00:12:30I got me some Flappy Jack's.
00:12:34Jack me.
00:12:37Jack me.
00:12:38Here goes my first fight.
00:12:42Jack me.
00:12:44Damn, who's shatting a batter?
00:12:58Do you eat at Jack's?
00:13:01Not so much, but I think I've eaten there, yeah?
00:13:05I eat at Jack's.
00:13:07What do you think of Jack's food?
00:13:08It's all greasy, and they don't take the time to prepare it right.
00:13:12I don't know.
00:13:15I might get you fat.
00:13:17I hate Jack's.
00:13:18You like Wendy's?
00:13:20Wendy's?
00:13:22Yeah, Wendy's nuts are in your mouth.
00:13:24So, you ever get the Jack me, you know, big size?
00:13:29Yeah, I've been Jack'd before.
00:13:32Man, it was fucking awesome.
00:13:37Yeah, last time I was at Jack Burgers, it tasted like feet.
00:13:40Thank you very much.
00:13:41Now, here's the rules.
00:13:42I can only eat food from Jack's.
00:13:44If Jack's doesn't sell it, I can't eat it.
00:13:47I have to try every item on the menu.
00:13:51And finally, I have to eat three squares a day.
00:13:55Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
00:13:58No pussing out.
00:14:00Well, it's lunchtime, and I'm about to inhale the Mumbo Jumbo Jack's Super Circus Combo.
00:14:06What size do you want?
00:14:08You want to get Jack?
00:14:09Yeah, Jack.
00:14:11Jack me.
00:14:14Jack me.
00:14:16Damn.
00:14:17This thing's about as rare as a full set of teeth at Walmart.
00:14:20And, I got the Dumbo Jumbo Death Defying Drink.
00:14:29Oh, boy.
00:14:34Oh, that's horrible.
00:14:38That's what we got here.
00:14:40Oh, cool.
00:14:42I got the two-headed Circus Freak action figure.
00:14:48Sweet.
00:14:48High dive time.
00:14:52Woo.
00:14:54Score, baby.
00:14:57What do you think Jack's food is doing to the public's waistline?
00:15:01Shit.
00:15:02It's making the whole country a bunch of lard asses.
00:15:05And that upsets you?
00:15:07Is there a mustache in Mexico?
00:15:12Now people are doing the unthinkable.
00:15:14They're suing Jack's greasy ass.
00:15:18Come on.
00:15:21We used to eat out quite a bit when we were kids.
00:15:24This is a new phenomenon.
00:15:25It's an epidemic.
00:15:26Kids are growing pubes in preschool.
00:15:29It's unacceptable.
00:15:30Period.
00:15:32They don't even get me started on periods.
00:15:34It's those damn hormones.
00:15:36So, listen, Bob.
00:15:41Here's the deal.
00:15:42Everybody's getting all fat eating all this fast food all the time.
00:15:45That's a damn shame.
00:15:46Did you know that most people eat out 40% of their meals?
00:15:51I mean, I, of course, eat out a little bit more than that.
00:15:53You can know what I'm saying.
00:15:59So, I heard you want to sue Jack.
00:16:02Oh, yeah.
00:16:03I am going to sue the suspenders off of that bald-headed burger-pimpin' bastard.
00:16:08I am going to sue Jack till he ain't got Jack.
00:16:11I am going to sue him till he can't even order off his own value menu.
00:16:14Are you kidding me?
00:16:16Yeah, you can quote me on that.
00:16:17And you've sued food companies before?
00:16:19Oh, companies.
00:16:20Schools.
00:16:21Oh, shit.
00:16:24Stella.
00:16:25Yeah, where in the hell is the file for the Little Sisters of Mercy?
00:16:28Huh?
00:16:29We got to have that in court today, and I am not letting those bitches off the hook.
00:16:33Church has got plenty of money.
00:16:35The file is not on my desk in one minute.
00:16:37I'm going to sue you.
00:16:38Again.
00:16:38Again.
00:16:40Jack has a team of top-notch lawyers foaming at the mouth for some action.
00:16:45And occasionally, he fires back.
00:16:48Come on.
00:16:49I've been doing this shit a long time.
00:16:52I just made a ton of cash with Lord of the O-Rings.
00:16:57Then I just wrapped Butt Pirates of the Caribbean 2.
00:17:01Now I got to deal with this crap.
00:17:03Yeah.
00:17:04I'm currently involved in a lawsuit pending with Jack.
00:17:07So with the use of this title, Jack Me.
00:17:10See, this friggin' scum sack says he already owns the phrase.
00:17:26So now, next month, I got to drag my ass down to court and settle this shit.
00:17:31Not to mention, the judge wants to subpoena my two lead stars from Jack Me.
00:17:37So how's that going to look?
00:17:39When the judge says, will Jennifer Love's huge dick and hairy ass Truman please take the stand?
00:17:46Yeah.
00:17:46Yeah.
00:17:47Somebody's going to get jacked, all right.
00:17:52Mwah.
00:17:56Jacks, you have a choice.
00:17:58You can choose this.
00:17:59See, you got your circus midget size.
00:18:01Or you can choose this size, a.k.a. suicides.
00:18:09You have a choice?
00:18:10There is no choice.
00:18:12You, I'd rather be butt raped by a large inmate than to say buy this rather than buy this.
00:18:19Shit, you can eat a trunk load of trout for how much calories you get in this.
00:18:24And let me tell you, I've done it.
00:18:26I smell it.
00:18:27Jacks offers various drink sizes to quench your primal thirst.
00:18:33They got the circus midget, the clown court, the midway monster, and of course, the Jackme special, the suicides.
00:18:42And for the hardcores, there's the steroid smoothie.
00:18:46Drink it up.
00:18:49And Jack also puts a gang of sugar in his drinks.
00:18:53Not to mention, ingredients more unnatural than a 90-year-old man having a sex change.
00:18:59And of course, the cherry on top, hormones.
00:19:07Welcome to Jacks.
00:19:08Can I take your order?
00:19:09Yeah, give me a bearded lady burger, an order of drunken carny curly fries, and a soda.
00:19:17Okay, pull ahead.
00:19:19Oh wait, you didn't ask me if I wanted to get Jack.
00:19:21Get your hands off my ass.
00:19:24What?
00:19:25Not you, I was talking to my manager.
00:19:28Oh, okay.
00:19:32Just look at this thing.
00:19:34Two pounds of pure Angus fur.
00:19:38More hair than Burt Reynolds balls.
00:19:41Wow.
00:19:41Not to mention, enough curly fries to lasso Louie Anderson.
00:19:48And of course, my favorite, one gallon of highly caffeinated, sugar-saturated water.
00:19:56Oh boy.
00:20:03Last time I ate that much fur, I was at a swing party in Jatsworth.
00:20:07Wow.
00:20:16Wow.
00:20:20Hey.
00:20:21A condom.
00:20:24Stop!
00:20:31Wow!
00:20:33Hey! A condom!
00:20:42Jax, it's what's for dinner.
00:20:54I feel like total crap today, but it's breakfast time and I ain't quitting now.
00:21:05Yeah, that's a son of a bitch. Our cameras got stupid around one of the restaurants.
00:21:09It appears he's making a movie or something. Probably trying to shut you down.
00:21:12He looks like a real moron!
00:21:15Funny you should say that. His name is Moron. Moron Spermlich to be exact. A real loser.
00:21:21I trailed him to some shit shack out in the woods.
00:21:23You're done good, dick! I'll take it from here!
00:21:28The side effects are horrendous.
00:21:31Hair grows in weird spots. Some men even develop breasts.
00:21:35It's like suicide eating at Jax. It really is.
00:21:40Yeah, I'm getting this weird pulsating sensation in my schlong area. It's really strange.
00:21:51It must be all the hormones. Quick, give me another burger.
00:21:59Live it!
00:22:00Over!
00:22:02That's the good thing about L.A. They deliver everything.
00:22:07Yeah.
00:22:10Hey, little bitch! I heard you're making a movie about how my food sucks!
00:22:15No way! Um, your food's healthy and nutritious?
00:22:18You're a crap moron! Everybody knows my food ain't fit for a coma patient!
00:22:24If I hear one more story about your little art fag film, I'll make you go down on the clouds!
00:22:31Well, it's video, actually.
00:22:33Shut your mustache!
00:22:35If I hear any more crap, I'm gonna cut your hair to hair and you'll be wearing a smile like mine!
00:22:41Got it?
00:22:43Um, yes, Jack? I'm sorry?
00:22:46I'll be watching you!
00:22:48I'll be watching you!
00:22:50I'll be watching you!
00:22:52I'll be watching you!
00:22:54I'll be watching you!
00:22:56Let's face it.
00:22:58Fast food will kill you quicker than PCP.
00:23:00And unfortunately, without that bitchin' buzz.
00:23:03And I don't think America's doing its civil duty.
00:23:05Letting its kids run around at all hours into the night at these grease shacks, well...
00:23:10Excuse me, I am up here.
00:23:15He fix his nose with the TV on.
00:23:17I'm a pig now, baby. I'm a pig, pig, pig.
00:23:20He smits his toes when he's feeling gone.
00:23:22I'm a pig now, baby, you dig!
00:23:25He goes out, I'm right at night.
00:23:28He takes off his pants cause he feels alright.
00:23:31Third down, and twenty to go.
00:23:33His two-tug turkey is ready to go, go, go!
00:23:43Rock!
00:23:48Take three more!
00:23:53Stick it!
00:23:56Good, Rock!
00:24:00Look, bad stuff happens when you eat this garbage every day.
00:24:04Things like...
00:24:06Violent diarrhea!
00:24:08Soft serve stool!
00:24:10Yum!
00:24:12Ring sting!
00:24:14Projectile vomiting!
00:24:17Male lactation!
00:24:18Oh boy!
00:24:20And...
00:24:21Genital strokes!
00:24:23In fact, if this continues, half of all kids born in the next five years will become so fat and bloated with hormones, California will indeed sink into the ocean before the year 2010.
00:24:35They don't know anything, hanging out somewhere somewhere, somewhere I didn't know where I was, with my hair shaved, with my underwear,
00:24:45on the side of someone's head with a little bit of food chili on the side!
00:24:49Now I'm up to get out with somebody looking woman coming out back to me and saying,
00:24:52Hey, woman!
00:24:53What could you shut up?
00:24:54Get the hell out of my life?
00:24:55I don't care what your name is anyway!
00:24:58Shut up, dog!
00:25:00It's your food, bitch!
00:25:03Watch my TV, man!
00:25:05We live a big fire!
00:25:06We live a big fire!
00:25:07We live a big fire!
00:25:08We live a big fire!
00:25:09We live a big fire!
00:25:10We live a big fire!
00:25:12We live a big fire!
00:25:14Without further ado, let's bring out Gerald Funyun!
00:25:20What's up, brother?
00:25:21I'd like to thank all you wonderful kids and family for giving me the opportunity to tell my story.
00:25:27Sit down, nigglet!
00:25:28it. Anyways, I never smoked cigarettes without filters, and I never drank liquor that wasn't
00:25:36in a 40-ounce bottle. My hang-up was jacks. And before my last unemployment check, I
00:25:41weighed 400 pounds in the shade. So I brought a pair of my old droves. Oh, snaps. Got them
00:25:48backwards. Anyways, you get it. My black ass was fat and active.
00:25:58Check me. Another one bites the dust, baby. Check me. I don't think the son of a bitch knew
00:26:06what he was getting into. I mean, raised in a trailer, abused. His dad was awful, horrid.
00:26:15While most kids heard bedtime stories before they went to sleep, all he heard usually was
00:26:23this. Yeah, my dad used to get real drunk, and he'd make me watch Chuck Norris movies in
00:26:32the nude with him. All night.
00:26:36Do you like Jack's food? Yuck. I prefer something healthy. What would you rather have other than
00:26:46Jack's? Well, actually, I prefer a hot grease enema. Hey, I haven't actually seen you at the
00:26:52club lately. Where have you been, girlfriend? What are you talking about? We don't know each
00:26:56other. Don't hate. Masticate. Jack's is poison, man. Do yourself a favor and eat out of the
00:27:09dumpster behind the free clinic. Well, you pretty much succeeded in reaming out your health.
00:27:15You gained 10 pounds, and you look like shit. I look like shit? Scratch that. You smell like shit.
00:27:24This is absurd. Stop it before it's too late!
00:27:32Late timeline. That'll be 425, sir. All right, there you go. Hey, did you want any
00:27:41special sauce with that today? Yeah, I'll take some special sauce. Thanks. All right. Hey,
00:27:46journey. Load them up. Anything else today? I think that'll be it. All right. Just one
00:27:58minute. We'll take care of your special order. All right. It's a special sauce that makes it
00:28:05so much more enjoyable. Oh, boy. Circus Sunday Supreme. 4,000 calories of... what the hell is this?
00:28:31Wow, it's disgusting. Oh, crap. It's a headless rat. Where's the head?
00:28:40No, not unless my microwave is parole. Not unless I'm feeling suicidal. We all know this. Fast food is not the greatest thing in the world for us. But there are just times when it's convenient.
00:28:54You guys look in pretty good shape. Do you get a lot of exercise? Do I get a lot of exercise? Yes, I do. But it should not be a part of your everyday diet. Hell yeah, I'll be coming over to your house like this.
00:29:06Batman. He don't even live without Robin. No! It's easy. You know, you just don't have the time to go and get a proper meal. So, you know, I'll be coming over to your house like this.
00:29:24Batman. That's what I'm talking about. I'll be running my shit off. Yeah. What's the grossest thing you've ever found in Jack's food?
00:29:45What time you found a roach? Roach? Yeah. What did you do with it? Yeah, that's okay.
00:29:52Yeah, these are the first chicken chunks I've had on this sick adventure.
00:30:03I can almost hear them cluck.
00:30:11Whoa. I don't know what chunk of the chicken this came off of. I think it's the pecker.
00:30:31These must be the nuggets.
00:30:34Yowza.
00:30:39Did you know that chicken's the only animal you eat before it's born and after it's dead?
00:30:45So, exactly what's in Jack's trapeze chicken chunks?
00:30:50We have an assortment of goodies in here, actually. You got your lips, your eyelids, your belly buttons, earlobes, and assholes.
00:30:57Oh, and an occasional foreskin.
00:31:09Hello?
00:31:11Hello?
00:31:12At Jack's, along with horrible food, usually comes horrible service. Case in point.
00:31:18Now, what the fuck do you want?
00:31:20Trying to order some food.
00:31:22You want a corndog, bitch?
00:31:24As a matter of fact...
00:31:25We're closed. Get the fuck out of here, man.
00:31:27You guys are fags.
00:31:29Jack's.
00:31:30Jack Bees! Jack Bees! Jack Bees!
00:31:38Yeah, Jack Bees. Jack Bees. Jack Bees.
00:31:50Cool. Jacks.
00:31:53Yeah, I guess one of the negative side effects of this whole experiment
00:31:59It was one night I came home and I was a little hopped up from a few burgers and experienced a violent episode of roid rage.
00:32:10Well, unfortunately I took it out on the misses here.
00:32:14Jack me! Jack me! Jack me! Jack me! Jack!
00:32:37Listen, I know he's there. If we put Jack on the phone, the public deserves to know the truth.
00:32:44Yeah, I'll have the dancing bear burger meal and jack me.
00:33:01Hey Leroy, sound like a honky.
00:33:03You what?
00:33:04Fuck you, man.
00:33:05Your mama so nasty, she got rigged around the trailer.
00:33:08Yeah, whatever.
00:33:09Listen here, you minimum wage making piece of shit.
00:33:12Come on up to the window and I'll jack you up.
00:33:14That's it.
00:33:15Someone's getting jacked here.
00:33:17It's not going to be me.
00:33:20Quit pulling my chain, man.
00:33:34Do you know what a hormone is?
00:33:36Yeah, it's like you've had too much cholesterol.
00:33:40He's full of hormones.
00:33:42Supposedly blows up the meat.
00:33:44It's like you can make more sex.
00:33:47It makes you make more sex.
00:33:49It's chemical released by the brain to help the body do things.
00:33:53Isn't that something your mama does?
00:33:55With the marshmallow break dance.
00:33:59Wait a minute, did he say marshmallow break dance?
00:34:02After marshmallow break dance, marshmallow pepsi break dance, it turns into food.
00:34:10To the general public, hormones are pretty much a mystery.
00:34:14Hormones are molecules that act as signals from one type of cell to another.
00:34:20When hormones are increased at such a fast rate as with Jack's food, this leads to gynecomastia,
00:34:27which means overly developmental lobules and stroma enlargement.
00:34:31Basically, it gives you titties.
00:34:34Something I haven't shared with everyone is the last couple days, I started developing breasts.
00:34:43So, um, yeah, it started as this pressure on my chest, and, uh, things just grew out of nowhere.
00:35:09But this morning, I looked in the mirror, and we can guess what I did.
00:35:16That's right, I put milk in my coffee.
00:35:20You know, I saw a boy yesterday, seven years old, with a rack made Pam Anderson look flatter in a TV dinner.
00:35:28I feel a little heavier.
00:35:30No offense, but you're no Karen Carpenter to begin with.
00:35:34Wow!
00:35:36What, did I gain a lot?
00:35:38I don't know, but did you see the ass on that intern there?
00:35:41Damn, she's fine!
00:35:44Come on, Doc, how much did I gain?
00:35:47Whoa!
00:35:48About ten pounds.
00:35:49You better slow down, kid.
00:35:54You may want to invest in a training bra.
00:35:58It's the Orca Show!
00:36:01Welcome back, everyone.
00:36:03We're here with Moron Spermlik, a filmmaker.
00:36:07Well, actually, it's video.
00:36:09Whatever, White Britt.
00:36:10Uh, so, I hear you on a 30-day diet of Jack's food.
00:36:15So how you doing, health-wise?
00:36:17Not bad for a man with honkers.
00:36:19Aw!
00:36:20Damn, Conway Titty!
00:36:21Those real?
00:36:22Oh, yeah.
00:36:23And this is just after a few days of eating Jack's hormone-filled food.
00:36:28Aw.
00:36:29So, what's next?
00:36:31You gonna keep going?
00:36:32Whole 30 days?
00:36:34Shut up, bitch!
00:36:35I'm talking here.
00:36:37Well, if I live through the rest of this month, I'm thinking about doing a whole series of
00:36:4330-day stunts.
00:36:44Tired.
00:36:45Dude, that's played out.
00:36:47One Trick Pony's only working bestiality films.
00:36:51Take me, for instance.
00:36:53This show has something new every time.
00:36:56Keep it new.
00:36:57Keep it new.
00:36:58Well, I mean, I'm gonna change it up every month.
00:37:00How?
00:37:01Well, next month, I'm gonna punk for speed at truck stops for 30 days.
00:37:06Okay.
00:37:07Then I'm gonna embark on a 30-day diet of Gila monster semen.
00:37:11We get it.
00:37:12Then it's 30 days of dry-humping lawn furniture.
00:37:14Okay, we get it.
00:37:15Followed by 30 days of huffing dirty laundry in a trailer park.
00:37:18Thank you, everybody, for tuning in.
00:37:20We'll see you same time tomorrow.
00:37:22Oh, God.
00:37:23How could she stand there?
00:37:24Listen, everyone.
00:37:25Please cut the commercial.
00:37:26Cut, cut.
00:37:27I feel stupid.
00:37:28Don't you ever hear a woman on my show?
00:37:30Yeah, let me get two Big Top Tacos with three ring onions and a suicide soda.
00:37:42I don't know, man.
00:37:47It's like nobody understands me.
00:37:50I don't know, man.
00:37:51I'm getting pretty bored with this menu.
00:38:02Tonight I got to clown around corn dog combo and a gallon of caramel apple soda.
00:38:15I got the cramps, too.
00:38:28Sorry if I'm a little bitchy after tomorrow.
00:38:32Right?
00:38:33I'm getting pretty steep.
00:38:34I'm getting pretty high.
00:38:35Yeah...
00:38:36ила is her baby.
00:38:39I'll see you next time.
00:39:09I'll see you next time.
00:39:39Jack, Jack, we got a real problem.
00:39:59Ronald's cutting into our profits big time.
00:40:02We got to do something about it.
00:40:07No, honey, I told you I'm leaving the office.
00:40:10I'll work my nose off today.
00:40:11Hey, McPitface, you took my business, Ronnie.
00:40:19Now I'm going to take your life.
00:40:20Hey, hey, let's talk about this.
00:40:22Clown to clown.
00:40:24All right, then.
00:40:24All right.
00:40:29Die, pussy.
00:40:30Ronald McDonald.
00:40:32Corporate death by hell.
00:40:33Ronald McDonald.
00:40:34Change from five.
00:40:35Structing care for cows.
00:40:36Squatter and starvation.
00:40:37From death's operation.
00:40:39You say you can't bring your faith.
00:40:40Molts and the actors on their face.
00:40:41Striving children's server break today.
00:40:44Jack's even supplies our local schools with his garbage food and many prisons as well.
00:40:50In a recent prison poll, we discovered that most prison riots erupted after the consumption
00:40:55of Jack's shit-filled food.
00:41:02With Jack's formulated market strategies, the kids today don't stand a chance.
00:41:09Hey there, kids.
00:41:10I'm going to show you some pictures of some people, and you try to guess who they are.
00:41:16Okay.
00:41:16Okay.
00:41:17Here's the first one.
00:41:18George Washington.
00:41:22I don't know.
00:41:24Who might this be?
00:41:26I don't know.
00:41:27George W. Bush.
00:41:28All right.
00:41:30Are you gay?
00:41:31Do you like pitching or catching?
00:41:34And this one?
00:41:36I don't know who that is.
00:41:38Oh, that's one, Jeremy.
00:41:40Very good.
00:41:41And how about this guy?
00:41:44Jack.
00:41:44That's easy.
00:41:45That's Jack.
00:41:47Very good.
00:41:48Hey, do you have any booze?
00:41:50Really, man?
00:41:51So, obviously, these kids know Jack.
00:41:53And Ron Jeremy.
00:41:54I love that spoon.
00:42:05I love that spoon.
00:42:06Even if it's no good.
00:42:09I love that spoon.
00:42:10So, have you ever eaten at Jack's?
00:42:12Dude, only when I'm broke.
00:42:13But that ain't been lately.
00:42:15Any advice on staying slim?
00:42:17Hell yeah.
00:42:17Get off your fat ass and ride a bike or something, dude.
00:42:19I mean, you've got to handle your scandal.
00:42:28Um, so have you ever tried Jack's Big Tunk Burger?
00:42:32Yeah.
00:42:34Once.
00:42:35How was it?
00:42:37You kidding me?
00:42:38That shit was tougher than Lance Armstrong's scrotum.
00:42:41Hmm.
00:42:42I'll have to try that one.
00:42:45Whatever it is.
00:42:47I love that spoon.
00:42:49I love that spoon.
00:42:51Even if it takes a row.
00:42:53I love that spoon.
00:42:56I love it.
00:42:58Kids across the nation are being emotionally and physically terrorized by eating this trash.
00:43:06And we're not going to take it anymore.
00:43:08Jack, you better watch your greasy ass.
00:43:11They have some cool toys.
00:43:12Jack's is famous for toddler-branded toys, the dolls, the games.
00:43:17There's Jack Gannon, Jackopoly, and his latest video game, Jumpin' Jack's.
00:43:22So, my little Martha comes home the other day with this kids' meals doll.
00:43:28And she's playing with it, and everything's going really well.
00:43:32And then she starts to undress it like kids do.
00:43:35And, oh my God, that just isn't right.
00:43:39What are they doing over there?
00:43:43This onslaught of marketing is aimed at grooming the new Biles to serve Jack for life.
00:43:50Jack.
00:43:50Well, time for your first blood test.
00:43:54You nervous?
00:43:55Not even.
00:43:57Shit.
00:43:58I got more blood in my stool now than a poodle has pumping through its veins.
00:44:09Jack wasn't always a total asshole.
00:44:14But I do remember the day he snapped.
00:44:17Like it was yesterday.
00:44:19Daddy, can I go to the store?
00:44:25Sure, kids.
00:44:26Just be careful.
00:44:28Crossing the street.
00:44:29That poor little shit.
00:44:41What's going on in here?
00:44:45Are you giving away my secrets again?
00:45:01Jack, honey, relax.
00:45:04Will you relax, you old fucker?
00:45:13Jack has even penetrated our school system.
00:45:16What's the grossest thing you ever found in your food here?
00:45:28Um, tears, that's all.
00:45:31An ear.
00:45:32A human ear.
00:45:33I ate it, I was hungry.
00:45:35Maybe there's spit every once in a while.
00:45:38That maggot, yeah, that was pretty bad.
00:45:40Yeah.
00:45:41There's like bone and blood and stuff.
00:45:42How about the dead hamster, I think.
00:45:43I think we shouldn't beat around the dead hamster.
00:45:46Well, one morning I woke up in bed and there was a pool of chili under me.
00:45:50And, well, it might not have been chili, but, uh, this is pretty much the worst piece of shit
00:45:59that I've ever had.
00:46:00Have you, um, experienced any, uh, psychological trauma from, uh, eating the food here?
00:46:07Yeah, at night I just lay awake and I just can't stop thinking about my impending death.
00:46:13I have been sexually harassed to Jacks.
00:46:15A man, uh, came at me with a fry in a sexual manner.
00:46:18Have you ever met Jack?
00:46:20Yeah.
00:46:21He gave me an autograph.
00:46:22Yeah?
00:46:23On my last night.
00:46:30I mean, how can you shovel this shit down these teenagers' necks?
00:46:34Well, it's pretty easy.
00:46:36Give us money and we feed them.
00:46:38But look, she's got two big top tacos, cotton candy, and a sideshow soda?
00:46:46I mean, this is outrageous.
00:46:48Yeah, and you know what else is outrageous?
00:46:50What's that?
00:46:51Your titties are bigger than hers.
00:46:53Now I'm not answering any more questions.
00:46:55Talk to Don Confisano.
00:46:56These are union food records.
00:46:58We feed all the schools in the neighborhood and most of the prisons in the state, too.
00:47:11Come on, let's take a walk.
00:47:16Hey, what's this in here?
00:47:17Uh, that's not...
00:47:18Oh my God, is that...
00:47:19That's sugar, isn't it?
00:47:21What?
00:47:22Hey, get out of here, huh?
00:47:23Can a guy get a little privacy around here?
00:47:25That ain't sugar.
00:47:29We got some good shit here, man.
00:47:31Oh yeah?
00:47:32Was this stuff frozen?
00:47:33Well, of course.
00:47:34How do you think we keep it fresh?
00:47:35So, can I see your freezer?
00:47:37Of course you can.
00:47:39Let's go.
00:47:43Okay, this is where the really good stuff for these little shitheads are.
00:47:49This is the corn chips, you know, tortillas, all that white flour stuff that they love.
00:47:56Okay?
00:47:57Now over here we got the basic sweets, white sugar, which is really, really good for them.
00:48:04It messes with the teachers because it messes with their attention span.
00:48:09And over here we have Jack's frozen hot wings.
00:48:11I think he calls them his high-wire hot wings or some shit like that.
00:48:15And...
00:48:16Oh, shit.
00:48:17Man, get that camera out of here.
00:48:18Get it out of here.
00:48:19Louie!
00:48:20Wait.
00:48:21Come on, man.
00:48:22This ain't funny.
00:48:23Louie!
00:48:24Wake up.
00:48:25Come on, man.
00:48:26This ain't funny.
00:48:31Jack's no good.
00:48:32Last time I eat there, my stomach feel like Bruce Lee punchy.
00:48:39I feel I eat a bad poodle there.
00:48:45Jack...
00:48:47Don't eat food.
00:48:48It will kill people.
00:48:50Jack is no good.
00:48:59Oh, let's see.
00:49:01Ah, tasty local dish.
00:49:03Mmm.
00:49:04Yeah, give me the Kung Fu combo.
00:49:06Yeah!
00:49:08We are out of it.
00:49:09Can you order something else?
00:49:10Hmm.
00:49:11Oh, shit, man.
00:49:12That's the one I really want.
00:49:13Don't you understand, Louie?
00:49:15We're right out of it.
00:49:16I told you order something else, bitch.
00:49:19Do you have anything that's like that?
00:49:21Similar?
00:49:24Get the hell out of here, fuckface!
00:49:26Give me the ball!
00:49:27Give me the ball!
00:49:28Give me the ball!
00:49:29Give me the ball!
00:49:30Give me the ball!
00:49:31Give me the ball!
00:49:32Give me the ball!
00:49:33And it seems that even the teachers and phys ed instructors are poisoned by the Jack plague.
00:49:42So, do you think our kids are getting enough exercise in our schoolyards these days?
00:49:46Oh, yeah.
00:49:47Over here, we got the boys' basketball.
00:49:50And over here, we got the girls' soccer.
00:49:54Damn!
00:49:55I like to bend that like Beckham.
00:49:58Do you like the food served here at school?
00:50:00Yeah.
00:50:01It's pretty good.
00:50:02It's good.
00:50:03What's your favorite thing to eat here?
00:50:05It's a crazy clown kid's meal.
00:50:07Yeah, it's great.
00:50:08We don't even have to go to Jack's anymore.
00:50:09Exactly.
00:50:10The food comes to us.
00:50:11Right here in the cafeteria.
00:50:13It's sweet.
00:50:14Come on, now.
00:50:16You know these kids are getting jacked.
00:50:18Just look at them.
00:50:19Cooper, pass your goddamn ball, you little ball hog.
00:50:23He's a hog, alright.
00:50:24Coach, fast food is killing these innocent kids.
00:50:28This is a Mr. Movie Guy, whoever you think you are.
00:50:30These are good kids.
00:50:31The last thing we need is some wannabe biker fag coming around here and screwing things
00:50:36up.
00:50:37And you smoke?
00:50:39Oh, yeah.
00:50:40Yeah.
00:50:41A lot?
00:50:42Yeah, I go through maybe two, three liners a day.
00:50:45Hey.
00:50:46Close kids.
00:50:47The coach gets angry too much at this.
00:50:52Yeah, we don't really like him.
00:50:54He's a loser.
00:50:55I hate him.
00:50:56Anderson, put that hustler down and give me 20.
00:50:58I don't think that kid can do push-ups right now.
00:51:01Listen, this isn't healthy.
00:51:03What are you talking about?
00:51:04This isn't healthy.
00:51:05These kids are okay, you butt lick.
00:51:08O to the K.
00:51:10So why don't you take your handlebar mustache and ride it back to Frisco, you big homo.
00:51:23Whoa.
00:51:24Hey, time's up.
00:51:25Get your fat asses inside.
00:51:26I want pizza.
00:51:27I want pizza.
00:51:28I want pizza.
00:51:29I want pizza.
00:51:30Y'all want pizza.
00:51:31Y'all want pizza.
00:51:32Y'all want pizza.
00:51:39Don't eat some pizza.
00:51:41Me want pizza.
00:51:47Does the public even realize what's in a sack of Jack's?
00:51:49I mean, we know that Jack targets the kids, but what about us, the adults?
00:51:55So I went in search of a nutritional fact sheet at Jack's.
00:51:58Hey, can I get a Jack's fact sheet?
00:52:01You can throw up.
00:52:05Do you have a Jack's fact sheet?
00:52:07A who?
00:52:09Nutritional information sheet.
00:52:11Oh, no, we don't.
00:52:13Does your food have hormones in it?
00:52:15I probably need it. What happened to you?
00:52:18Hi, can I get a nutrition sheet?
00:52:21What you want to know?
00:52:22I want to know what's in Jack's food.
00:52:24Shit.
00:52:26Toll-nail cut-downs, roaches, all kinds of nasty-ass shit.
00:52:30Well, you can see that Jack likes to hide the facts.
00:52:33I couldn't find one lousy nutrition sheet anywhere.
00:52:37Too many calories.
00:52:38I'm dry, dude.
00:52:39This is where the calories go.
00:52:42So, in summation, as you can see from the chart,
00:52:45your company's profits have been in a sharp decline much of the past year,
00:52:48except for a very small spike here.
00:52:50What happened there?
00:52:51Well, that's when your rival, Ronald McDoodle, was found dead lying on the pavement.
00:52:56Now, listen, the point is this.
00:52:57Jack's is very image-challenged, but that is why I'm here.
00:53:01I'm going to help Jack's evoke a new, public-friendly image.
00:53:06Listen, sugar-ass.
00:53:08I find the last blood light to try to fix my image.
00:53:11Jack, wake up and smell the poon tang.
00:53:14Oh, bad press is murder in this business.
00:53:17Why, just the other night, I saw some drop-out film school fag on the Orca show
00:53:21talking about how bad your food was for people to eat.
00:53:24I don't watch that shitty show!
00:53:26What you need is damage control.
00:53:28B.S. What we need is a new sandwich.
00:53:31Jack, you care to do the honors?
00:53:33Have a seat, Sally.
00:53:35It's Sheila.
00:53:36Oh, whatever.
00:53:37Are you ready out there, Roxy?
00:53:40Introducing the new Jack Rabbit Burger.
00:53:48Rabbit meat?
00:53:49Are you serious?
00:53:51It's lean, it's abundant.
00:53:53It's cheap!
00:53:55No way, you guys.
00:53:55The public will freak.
00:53:57Listen, Shirley.
00:53:59It's Sheila.
00:54:00Whatever.
00:54:02She hasn't even heard the slogan yet.
00:54:05All right, well, let's hear it.
00:54:07The new Jack Rabbit Burger.
00:54:10This time you'll be glad the rabbit died.
00:54:13Yes!
00:54:15And this is your solution?
00:54:17Pumping toxic hormones into little bunny burgers?
00:54:20I'd rather be pumping that bunny.
00:54:23That could be arranged!
00:54:24And you've got an awful big bush trying to come in here
00:54:28and turn our business sideways.
00:54:31No shit!
00:54:31Speaking of bush, I'd like to sink my teeth into that pelk.
00:54:36Yeah.
00:54:36Done!
00:54:37For your information, boys,
00:54:39I happen to have a degree in marketing and advertising.
00:54:43I can't believe it.
00:54:44What, that I have a degree?
00:54:47No, but you're still here.
00:54:50Listen, dammit.
00:54:51Give us the meeting alone here, Roxy.
00:54:54And leave the burger.
00:54:55I want Miss Fang here to take a bite.
00:54:58Hey, now come on.
00:55:00Show us those bunny breaths.
00:55:05Kapow!
00:55:06High five!
00:55:07That is it!
00:55:08I've had enough with both of you.
00:55:10Oh, chill, Cheryl.
00:55:15For the last time, it's Sheila, dick breath.
00:55:19And I've got the floor now.
00:55:21As for you, you big, ball-headed, egotistical, or should I say testicle, sad excuse for a circus clown.
00:55:29Go ahead and run your company to the ground.
00:55:31See if I care.
00:55:32The worst that's going to happen is people might actually live a little bit longer.
00:55:36I must have been smoking crack to think I could work with a couple of shit-licks like you.
00:55:40Now, wait a minute.
00:55:41We were just, uh, razzing you a little.
00:55:44Oh, suck my tit.
00:55:53High five!
00:55:59Okay, can I get the, uh, bumper car bacon biscuit and the ponytail potato pieces?
00:56:05Oh, I got a really big appetite.
00:56:08I dream about eating everything at night.
00:56:11Do you think I've got time to just my order?
00:56:14Oh, last time I saw this much trash was at my family reunion.
00:56:24Up yours!
00:56:25I'm not quitting now!
00:56:29Yeah, I know it's only 8 in the morning, so I'm drinking a goddamn beer.
00:56:34Get over it!
00:56:35I don't know, man.
00:56:49I don't know if it's worth it.
00:56:52My body's a wreck.
00:56:55Then I got my first period.
00:56:59That was a nightmare.
00:57:01What the hell have I done?
00:57:07I'm fine.
00:57:09So, you've been really down in the dumps, huh?
00:57:14Yeah.
00:57:14Well, if it's any consolation, I must say that your jugs look fabulous.
00:57:21Thanks.
00:57:22That's a push-up bra.
00:57:25I have a chart here.
00:57:27I'm afraid the results aren't good.
00:57:31Moron.
00:57:31Do you want to end up a big, fat, bloated pig with a hog's face and an elephant's ass?
00:57:41Oh, hey, honey.
00:57:42I was just talking about you.
00:57:44One second.
00:57:45It's my wife.
00:57:46And there's only one item on Jack's menu that doesn't contain sugar or hormones.
00:57:51It's the water.
00:57:53Jack's Secret Circus Water.
00:57:55Some Jack's restaurants offer salads to appease the critics.
00:58:03But the roughage is genetically modified and about as appetizing as, well, you get it.
00:58:09How about up there?
00:58:11I'm feeling a little bloated.
00:58:13You look radiant.
00:58:15Get up there.
00:58:20See, it's only two pounds.
00:58:22And I bet you that's all booby.
00:58:23Hey, aren't you going to buy me dinner first?
00:58:37Man, this stuff's like crack.
00:58:39I was feeling horrible.
00:58:42But once I got some Jack's in me, I was feeling alive again.
00:58:51Oh, honey.
00:58:53Give me a beer.
00:59:02Hey, get out of here, man.
00:59:03I'm trying to back one out.
00:59:06Oh, mommy.
00:59:08I'm so scared.
00:59:10Sing me that little song you used to sing me when I was five.
00:59:14Oh, you big, fat pussy.
00:59:15Suck it up.
00:59:16The next thing you're going to tell me is you're growing tits.
00:59:19As you can see, I now crave Jack's food all the time.
00:59:38In fact, I've been having strange cravings a lot lately.
00:59:41I hope that weirdo I met behind the homeless shelter didn't knock me up.
00:59:46Not to mention I've gained quite a few pounds and sprouted some decent melons.
00:59:52My favorite part of the day, laying around, eating jacks, watching my chicks grow.
01:00:04Good times.
01:00:09So we enlisted a couple of nutritionists to call Jack's headquarters and see if they
01:00:14could recommend any healthy items off their menu.
01:00:18So how often do you recommend eating at Jack's?
01:00:20That depends.
01:00:21How long do you want to live?
01:00:23And what's the healthiest item I can eat at a Jack's restaurant?
01:00:27Probably the napkins.
01:00:29But how could I have a tumor?
01:00:33I've only had them for a couple of weeks.
01:00:35I keep trying to tell you it's Jack's crappy food.
01:00:38A man your age should be having a vasectomy, not a mastectomy.
01:00:43So you want to hear the good news?
01:00:45Sure.
01:00:46We only have to remove one.
01:00:49Oh great.
01:00:50So now I'm going to be running around town with just one tit swinging?
01:00:53Moron, don't worry.
01:00:54It's a fairly simple procedure that I've performed on at least half a dozen farm animals.
01:00:59Come on, don't be a pussy.
01:01:01Jack Bane!
01:01:03Jack Bane!
01:01:05Jack Bane!
01:01:07Jack Bane!
01:01:10Jack Bane!
01:01:11Jack Bane!
01:01:13Jack Bane!
01:01:14Jack Bane!
01:01:15Jack Bane!
01:01:19Yeah, I was just getting attached to that thing.
01:01:21Oh, man. I'm having hot flashes. I just soiled the bed. It's like 2 in the morning. Oh, boy.
01:01:48My bandages need changing. I think I've finally hit rock bottom.
01:02:02I just need a cheeseburger.
01:02:18Screw your life up. Your body officially hates you. Stop this before you die.
01:02:30Gina, get your big butt in here and get me some coffee.
01:02:36Yeah, I'm really scared. I can't remember ever feeling this bad. Except that time he wanted to experiment. And that vibrator knocked out all my teeth. Thanks, honey. I love you, too. All right. Goodbye.
01:02:54Years ago, I took an oath to look out for the best interest of my patients.
01:03:12You know, I've been asking myself if I am indeed doing that.
01:03:19See, Moron doesn't have any friends.
01:03:24Except for maybe his old gutter slut mother.
01:03:28And she's been in and out of jail throughout most of his pathetic life.
01:03:32Now she's in a mental rehab facility out in Claremont.
01:03:43And I think this whole experiment is a result of many years of pain and neglect.
01:03:51Poor moron. Those who risk everything usually don't have much to live for.
01:04:04As soon as I got out of San Quentin, the very first bus stop was right here.
01:04:27So I got out and took a crack. Right there.
01:04:32So I came over to the counter and experienced my very first Big Top Burger.
01:04:37Last year, I ate 2,148 burgers.
01:04:41I think I hold the world's record.
01:04:44You ever run out of money and get a Big Top Jones?
01:04:47Uh, hell no. One trip to the men's room, I can make 20 bucks.
01:04:51Same room I crapped in 10 years ago.
01:04:54Call it fate.
01:04:55Wow. Big Top Burger.
01:04:5820,000.
01:05:00A-chill.
01:05:02No!
01:05:04Thanks a lot, Don.
01:05:06Hey, you wanna make a quick 20 bucks?
01:05:20My artwork is all bad.
01:05:23My artwork is all about Jack. He fascinates me. I spent hours on this masterpiece.
01:05:32Nice.
01:05:33This is me. And this is Jack holding a sword. He has me chained up so that I'll eat all the crumbs off his dirty floor.
01:05:45Very nice.
01:05:46And this one? Jack is bitch slapping me to kingdom come because I spilled a jar of scalding hot mayonnaise all over his lap.
01:05:58Cool. Cool.
01:05:59And this... Oh, shit. This one's not finished yet.
01:06:07Put Jack on the bone, I said.
01:06:09Sorry, pal. He went bowing.
01:06:12Well, you told him the jig is up.
01:06:14Screw you.
01:06:15And screw you, too.
01:06:17I mean, this is hard for me to do. I mean, people need to know about Jack. They need to know the truth.
01:06:24See? Back in college, we used to eat Jacks all the time.
01:06:30Who knew? Who knew?
01:06:33Well, I gotta go. It's time for my self-breast exam. I do one every hour. You know, you can never be too careful.
01:06:39Yeah, we traced the calls back to his trailer.
01:06:42No shit!
01:06:43Hey, moron!
01:06:44Whoa!
01:06:45You're bucking up the wrong bush, queerbait!
01:06:47Easy, Jack. What are you talking about?
01:06:48The TV shows! The phone calls!
01:06:49That wasn't me. I don't even know your number.
01:06:50Well, I got yours, punk! And if I got one more report of you snooping around, I'll make panties out of your ass! And soda out of your piss!
01:07:30Actually, he is one of our better dancers.
01:07:37I dance for Jack! I love Jack! I'm crazy for Jack!
01:07:53I dance for Jack!
01:07:54I dance for Jack!
01:07:55I dance for Jack!
01:07:56I dance for Jack!
01:07:57I dance for Jack!
01:07:58I dance for Jack!
01:07:59I dance for Jack!
01:08:00Jack rules!
01:08:01Do you know where Jack's headquarters is?
01:08:02No, he's always in an office in his commercials.
01:08:03I don't know where it is. Is this in San Diego? I don't know where it is.
01:08:08Yeah. Up the road, hang a left, follow the trail of dead animals.
01:08:28So now we have what are called Jackheads. These people that'll do just about anything to wolf down that next fight.
01:08:34I mean, just the other week I heard of these kids in Iowa that stabbed a Jack's employee in the neck with a sharpened corndog stick.
01:08:41Jack attacks. Not a pretty sight.
01:08:44Jackheads are popping up everywhere these days. It's pretty scary. And no one really knows the long-term effects of Jack's food.
01:08:52When these hormones saturate our brain functions, they confuse the neurotransmitters, causing severe mental derangement, mood swings, and anxiety.
01:09:02In other words, it'll make you crazier than a cross-eyed crack whore.
01:09:06Jack whore.
01:09:08Yeah, I was strung out on Jacks for years. But I still think about all the people I hurt when I was high on Jacks. My friends. My old ladies. Ugh.
01:09:18I fractured my grandma's skull with a chain off a mini bike for crying out loud. Well, actually, she kind of deserves it. She took some of my fries. Without asking.
01:09:25Listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now you listen to me! Now
01:09:55Every day it's the same thing! You get up! You wash your ass!
01:10:00You're a used to stick!
01:10:02That company gave me a restraining order to stay off their property, see?
01:10:06But I'm their only son. My daddy Jack's a deadbeat. He says I'm not his. I'm not his.
01:10:13Then why do I look just like him, huh? Huh?
01:10:17My favorite song is Pasta or Muppet, because it's a little bit like this.
01:10:27I don't know what I'm saying about there, but I said, give me that bucket!
01:10:31I'm ready to roll!
01:10:35Give it all, baby! Give it all, baby!
01:10:39Give it all, baby! Give it all, baby! Give it all, baby!
01:10:42Give it all, baby! Give it all, baby!
01:10:45Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!
01:10:50I can't sit up. Look down if I did it.
01:10:58What the hell?
01:11:04I'm here to speak to Jack.
01:11:06Sorry, I can't help you.
01:11:07Come on, you sure you can't just let me see him?
01:11:09No. Sorry, nothing I can do.
01:11:11You sure about that?
01:11:12Yeah. Sorry, I can't help you. You need to get out of here.
01:11:14Sure there isn't something I can do?
01:11:16Nothing that comes to mind.
01:11:17Yeah.
01:11:27I've finally done it. I got past security.
01:11:30Where's Jack?
01:11:31Let me call you right back.
01:11:32Who the hell are you?
01:11:33I'm your company's worst fear.
01:11:34The FDA?
01:11:35No, I'm making a movie about the damage that your company does to America.
01:11:37So what do you want to know?
01:11:39Let's start with the simple questions first.
01:11:40Okay.
01:11:41How would you describe Jack's food?
01:11:43Bow packing?
01:11:44I have something I want to show you.
01:11:45Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm married.
01:11:46Holy cyclops kid.
01:11:47What do you have to say about this?
01:11:48I have something I want to show you.
01:11:49Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm married.
01:11:51Holy cyclops kid.
01:11:52What do you have to say about this?
01:11:53Where do you shop for bras?
01:11:54This is from the hormones in your fat ridden food.
01:11:55Hogwash.
01:11:56That's what you have to say about this.
01:11:57That's what your company does to America.
01:11:58So what do you want to know?
01:11:59Let's start with the simple questions first.
01:12:00Okay.
01:12:01How would you describe Jack's food?
01:12:02Bow packing?
01:12:03I have something I want to show you.
01:12:04Hey, hey, hey, I'm married.
01:12:05Holy cyclops kid.
01:12:06What do you have to say about this?
01:12:07Where do you shop for bras?
01:12:08This is from the hormones in your fat ridden food.
01:12:09Hogwash.
01:12:10Fat ridden?
01:12:11We have a lot of low calorie items on our menu.
01:12:12Do you even know what a calorie is?
01:12:13A calorie.
01:12:14Yeah, a calorie.
01:12:15It starts with a C, an S, an S, an S, an S, an S, an S, an S, an S, an S, an S,
01:12:30a S, an S, a S, an S, an S, a S, a S, an S, or a Lattice.
01:12:35Find out what a calorie is.
01:12:38So, how did such an imbecile get a job like this?
01:12:42Well, Time's sanitation department really wasn't hiring.
01:12:48Well, it's no secret.
01:12:49You used to work for your competitors, McDoodles.
01:12:53Well, okay, okay, you got me.
01:12:56They let me go but it could have happened to anybody.
01:12:59could happen to anybody. Why? Money laundering, fraud, embezzlement, sexual
01:13:07harassment. They dropped that one. I gotta go. Well, if you're waiting on the food
01:13:13channel, they're not coming. Our food is an icon of health. Come in, come in. Just a second.
01:13:21Sorry, Mr. Singer. We finished making patties. Our hands are killing us. Can we take a break?
01:13:27Okay, take 20 minutes, but put down 30. Do you guys know what a calorie is? No. Huh. Okay.
01:13:41You can go. It's a miracle these guys are even alive. It's a miracle they even speak English.
01:13:50Did you know Jack hires illegal aliens? No, come for that. Hey, come back here. Come here.
01:13:56I mean, how do you sleep at night? Usually in the nude. I gotta go. I have an appointment.
01:14:03So pack your shit and bounce, honky.
01:14:14Why do you think there's no fast food joints in Beverly Hills?
01:14:17I think people in Beverly Hills are really snotty and they wouldn't go to a fast food.
01:14:22They could afford something more expensive and so that's probably where they go.
01:14:25Man, they ain't got no jack shacks in the 210.
01:14:29They don't even feed that shit to their pets.
01:14:32Just one more day to go.
01:14:41As I reflect back on my experience, I just wonder, was it all worth it?
01:14:49Come on, morons. One more day to go. Let's see how much you gain.
01:15:08Hey, wow. You look good in diapers.
01:15:12Will that complete your order? Or would you like something else today, sir?
01:15:34Yeah, and a sideshow salad. Thank you.
01:15:37Hey, motherfucker, give me some change.
01:15:38Uh, yeah, hold on. Um, hold on a sec. Give me some change, Pecklewood.
01:15:42One second. Yeah, jack me.
01:15:44Hey, one-titty motherfucker. I'm gonna jack me right now.
01:15:47Jack me!
01:15:47Jack me!
01:15:50Jack me!
01:15:52Jack me!
01:15:54Jack me!
01:15:57Jack me!
01:15:58Jack me!
01:16:00Jack me!
01:16:01Fuck this.
01:16:03Come on, Jack. It's time to take this guy out. What's the problem?
01:16:08Problem is, he's my best customer!
01:16:10Jack, let me handle it.
01:16:12I got this, Jack!
01:16:14Wait a minute. That sounds a little weird.
01:16:17I know what you mean.
01:16:19Well, this is it. The final test.
01:16:34Over the course of 30 days, I gained 28 pounds, puked my guts out, grew knockers, had one removed,
01:16:42shit a river of Jack juice, fashioned a diaper, got my ass kicked and carjacked.
01:16:49Only one more meal to go.
01:16:51Time to go.
01:17:15Hey, I'll fit it.
01:17:21Hey, what's wrong with you, boy?
01:17:25I think you look like you're having a bad life.
01:17:28I guess so.
01:17:29What do you mean you guess so?
01:17:31Hey, how would you feel about getting naked and watching Chuck Norris movies?
01:17:34Huh?
01:17:35Jack?
01:17:36Jack?
01:17:37Jack?
01:17:38I think you don't eat with it.
01:17:43Jack, get your ass back in here, boy!
01:17:45I need to talk to you!
01:17:47Jack!
01:17:48Jack!
01:17:49Jack!
01:17:50Jack.
01:18:13Go on!
01:18:14Say goodbye, moron!
01:18:34What happened to him, man?
01:18:36Hey, look, it's Jack!
01:18:39Hey, what happened?
01:18:41I don't know, man. He just keeled over.
01:18:43Oh, God, it must have been something that he ate!
01:18:47He almost made it!
01:18:53Die!
01:18:58Just die!
01:19:05Die!
01:19:07Die!
01:19:08Die!
01:19:09Die!
01:19:10Die!
01:19:11Die!
01:19:12Die!
01:19:13Die!
01:19:19Oh, shit!
01:19:20I've forgotten my Bible.
01:19:21Does anyone have a Bible handy?
01:19:28Come on, Father, let's get this over with.
01:19:31Really, man, I gotta take a crap.
01:19:36Moron was a good man.
01:19:38With lots of friends.
01:19:40Yeah, right.
01:19:41You're one funny guy, Doc.
01:19:47Let's blow this graveyard and go get loaded.
01:19:50Oh, doctor, you put the fun in funeral.
01:19:53I guess he won't be needing you anymore.
01:19:58I guess he won't be needing you anymore.
01:20:01Die!
01:20:31Die!
01:20:34Die!
01:20:35The last one I called Jack!
01:20:43The last one I called Jack.
01:20:49Jack B!
01:20:52Jack B!
01:20:55Jack B!
01:20:58Jack B!
01:21:01Check me!
01:21:04Check me!
01:21:31Check me!
01:21:39Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
01:22:01Check me!
01:22:03Check me!
01:22:05Check me!
01:22:07Check me!
01:22:09Check me!
01:22:11Check me!
01:22:13Check me!
01:22:15Check me!
01:22:17Check me!
01:22:19Check me!
01:22:21Check me!
01:22:23Check me!
01:22:25Check me!
01:22:27Check me!
01:22:29Check me!