Skip to playerSkip to main contentSkip to footer
Bonus Channel
  • 2 days ago
Transcript
00:00:00I love you, thank you, thank you, thank you
00:00:30Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
00:01:00Remember the kid in first grade who would wear the plastic nylon running shoes
00:01:05The T-R-A-X Trax running shoes
00:01:09How you doing, that was me
00:01:11My favorite TV show
00:01:13I watch every Sunday, Televangelist
00:01:15If you don't watch one, I highly suggest turning one on
00:01:18Favorite one is Robert Tilton, because he's on Late Night
00:01:20And Robert Tilton's the man who prays in tongues
00:01:23My mom would put me in, do you remember the tough skin jeans?
00:01:28Do you remember these?
00:01:29I mean, they were like, they were like, they were skin tight
00:01:32And they had that, they had that big old steel belted radio kneecap patch
00:01:36Do you remember that?
00:01:38Do you remember that thing?
00:01:39I mean, it was like, it was like, these were rigid pants
00:01:41I mean, they were so, they should have been called chafe masters, you know
00:01:44This guy always has the exact translation, right?
00:01:48And it always comes with like the perfect opportunistic time for him
00:01:50I'm watching the other day, he's like
00:01:51People, there is not enough money in this thing
00:01:54I'm going to have to pass this around again
00:01:56Y'all are going to have to dig deeper
00:01:57So I've got my, I've got my track shoes on
00:02:06I've got my tough skin jeans and my velour shirt
00:02:08I'm like, hey mom, I'm a child
00:02:11Not a child molester
00:02:13So that's Rich Burns, as you probably heard
00:02:16And who am I?
00:02:18I'm Cheryl Larson
00:02:19I'm doing a documentary on what I consider to be one of the most fascinating lifestyles I know
00:02:23That of a stand-up comic
00:02:25So let me ask you the most obvious question
00:02:28Why do you do it?
00:02:31You know, what makes you be a comic?
00:02:32Why'd you start?
00:02:33What keeps you going?
00:02:34Well, I've always been funny
00:02:36Or at least, you know, people, people have always told me I've been funny
00:02:43So what was Rich like when he was a kid?
00:02:45He was feminine
00:02:46Feminine
00:02:47And don't forget, he was feminine, yet definitely hetero
00:02:52Well, he would go gallivanting around the house
00:02:57Well, you know, much like his uncle Raymond
00:03:01And we knew that he was an entertainer from the Getty Up
00:03:06And, well, excuse me, I apologize
00:03:10I have not introduced my friend, confidant, and dare I say
00:03:15Significant other, Mr. Lance Manshaft
00:03:19Well, finally, thank you, Miss Manners
00:03:22Well, whatever you know about Manners
00:03:26I was the one who taught you
00:03:27I remember years and years and years ago
00:03:30Up at Raymond Burr's house
00:03:32Well, you were so busy oogling the pool boy
00:03:35You couldn't even remember what fork to use
00:03:37So there
00:03:39Hey, are you sure we're going the right way?
00:03:46That's what Eileen said
00:03:49She said it was a rural drive
00:03:51Yeah, rural, that's a good definition
00:03:54This is definitely rural
00:03:55This road better empty out into the town soon
00:04:00I know when Eileen were probably playing in someone's house for the kid folk
00:04:04We're not getting lost out here
00:04:07That was scary, okay
00:04:09That sounded just like some line out of a B movie
00:04:12You know, it's like
00:04:13Hope you guys aren't planning on taking me out of the woods here
00:04:16And killing me in some sort of satanic ritual or some shit
00:04:19Oh shit, he found us out, Cheryl
00:04:21Must have seen the goat's head in my suitcase
00:04:24Better call Xavier and tell him the plan's off
00:04:26We'll need to find another virgin
00:04:28You ever notice how
00:04:29The prettier an area is
00:04:32The uglier the people are
00:04:34That's because they've got to have something pretty to look at
00:04:36You know, they've got to have something to look forward to
00:04:37Could you imagine being stuck in some nasty-ass town
00:04:40Surrounded by a bunch of ugly motherfuckers?
00:04:43Actually, yes, I can
00:04:44It's called doing a Fred Schilling's gig in North Dakota
00:04:46I don't think I've ever done that gig
00:04:48What part of North Dakota?
00:04:51I don't know the name of the town
00:04:52I actually, I think it was called
00:04:54Nasty-ass Town, North Dakota
00:04:55I think I want to work that gig
00:04:58It doesn't sound like there's a lot of puddin' out there
00:04:59Puddin'?
00:05:01You know, like chicks
00:05:03No, like road puddin', you know, groupies
00:05:06Hi, how are you?
00:05:23Good
00:05:23Hey, you didn't even do a show
00:05:27When you're already in, bro
00:05:28That's a lot of puddin'
00:05:30That's what I call rude papioca
00:05:32Not nice
00:05:34What's up to film crew, gentlemen?
00:05:39You're pickin' a banjo
00:05:40Oh, uh, we're your comics for tonight
00:05:43We're shootin' a documentary on stand-up comedy
00:05:46Show's been canceled
00:05:48What do you mean?
00:05:53Nobody, nobody told us
00:05:55After the incident last week
00:05:56I told Eileen it just wasn't gonna work
00:05:58What incident?
00:06:04John, have a seat
00:06:05Please
00:06:07Now, are you comfortable?
00:06:16Can't get you anything?
00:06:19Alright, now I'm gonna talk
00:06:20And you guys are gonna listen
00:06:21Last week, one of your brethren
00:06:24Insulted one of my better patrons
00:06:25Big Lenny
00:06:26Patrons?
00:06:28More like Denizen
00:06:29I said without comment
00:06:32Anyway
00:06:35He insulted Big Lenny
00:06:37Because he called his mother a whore
00:06:40Now, that's not the issue
00:06:41Because, in fact, she is a whore
00:06:43And a very fine whore
00:06:45Old school
00:06:46Most of the guys in this bar
00:06:47Have written the passage to manhood
00:06:49In her velvet saddle
00:06:50The thing that irritated him
00:06:52And me
00:06:52Was the fact that he referred to her
00:06:55Like she was common
00:06:56Like she was ordinary
00:06:58You know what, man?
00:07:00That's great, you know
00:07:01But, um
00:07:01We, uh
00:07:03Really need to get out of here
00:07:04I'd love to listen to your story
00:07:06But, you know, we
00:07:06Since we got screwed on this gig
00:07:07Son, you can go when I'm finished
00:07:09Well, you know, we kinda got screwed on this gig
00:07:11So I figure
00:07:12We'll probably get going
00:07:14You can go when I'm finished, son
00:07:17Please do not call me son
00:07:19At least you plan on playing ball with me
00:07:21Okay?
00:07:24Put your head on the bar
00:07:25Put your head on the bar
00:07:29Or I will
00:07:30Now, again, the issue's not whether Lenny's mom's a whore or not
00:07:42The issue is
00:07:44You guys come into these
00:07:45You call them banjo-picking shithole one-nighters
00:07:48And you talk about us like we're beneath you
00:07:50Like we're just some kind of roadkill
00:07:52On your little autobahn to success
00:07:54Kids, you gotta remember something
00:07:56This is America
00:07:57These people are America
00:08:00We make you
00:08:01We break you
00:08:02Without us, you become nothing more than a footnote
00:08:05Of course, maybe you're the exception
00:08:07You, I'm sure
00:08:10Are not
00:08:11Um, is it okay if I let my head up now?
00:08:15Because I'm having trouble breathing through your uncommon bar
00:08:18Get up
00:08:20Listen, sir, we didn't mean any disrespect
00:08:26Um, but, you know, it's just we're really frustrated
00:08:30We traveled all this way for nothing
00:08:33And, uh, we don't even have a place to stay
00:08:36All right
00:08:39You guys have been attentive to my little ramblings
00:08:42So I'll tell you what
00:08:44I'm gonna toss you a bone
00:08:45And I got a place about a mile down the road on the right-hand side
00:08:48It's not much, but it's clean
00:08:50So I'll tell you what I'll do
00:08:51I'll put you guys up for the night
00:08:53Tomorrow you call Eileen
00:08:54So you can get some kind of compensation
00:08:56Does that sound fair?
00:09:01Believe me, I will call Eileen
00:09:03Yeah, that, that sounds, thank you
00:09:05I've, I've really appreciated
00:09:08You can leave now
00:09:09Leave now
00:09:13Um, now
00:09:15Speaking of, uh, sleeping arrangements
00:09:19Um, you don't, you know, we got one bed here
00:09:22I'm hoping you don't sleep naked
00:09:24Of course I'm not gonna sleep naked
00:09:27Good, because I didn't want us both being naked in the same bed
00:09:30You know what I mean?
00:09:30You're not sleeping naked
00:09:33Dude, I got to
00:09:34I can't sleep in underwear, man
00:09:35I get all bound up and shit down there
00:09:37It doesn't work
00:09:38Underwear?
00:09:39Bullshit, man
00:09:39You're sleeping fully clothed
00:09:41You're sleeping on the floor
00:09:42What are you, like, uh
00:09:44Not quite sure of your masculinity, or?
00:09:47No, I just don't want to wake up with your masculinity
00:09:49Poking me in the back
00:09:50So does this mean, like, no cuddling?
00:09:56Was Richell was funny?
00:09:57What, you're implying he is now?
00:10:01Well, let me, let me just, let me say something
00:10:04And I'm gonna be the one to say this
00:10:06It's not happening for Richie
00:10:08It's not happening
00:10:09Years ago, it might have
00:10:10And years and years ago
00:10:11But it's not now
00:10:12In a nutshell
00:10:14It's a night show with him calling
00:10:16I like to date the homeless
00:10:19And picking up a homeless woman
00:10:21They're, they're really easy to pick up, too
00:10:22It's, it's like, uh
00:10:23Picking up a homeless woman's like
00:10:24Hey, baby
00:10:25Wanna keep warm?
00:10:29See the tall one?
00:10:31Oh, yeah?
00:10:32Yeah, her name's Nikki
00:10:32Yeah?
00:10:33She's a stripper
00:10:34Yeah?
00:10:34She wants me
00:10:35But, uh
00:10:36Then again, who doesn't, huh?
00:10:37Right
00:10:38I gotta go
00:10:38A lot of comics were geeks
00:10:40Or nerds
00:10:41Or misfits
00:10:42Or whatever
00:10:42In fact, you know
00:10:43It's, it's true
00:10:43And they, uh
00:10:45You know
00:10:46They got into comedy
00:10:47To get back at the society
00:10:49That rejected them
00:10:50Or to get, or to get the, the, the, the women
00:10:53Who would never give them the time of day
00:10:55Really
00:10:55Because in order for a geek to get laid
00:10:57You've either gotta be famous
00:10:59Or own a software company
00:11:00And pay for a shitload of hookers
00:11:02And these guys would rather tell jokes
00:11:04So this is the comedy condo, as they say
00:11:11This is it
00:11:12This is it
00:11:13Nobody said comics had to be neat, right?
00:11:17That's funny
00:11:18Right
00:11:18Have a seat
00:11:20The comedy condo's kind of a, sort of a vicious circle
00:11:24Like, the club puts absolutely no money into it
00:11:28Because they know that some asshole comic's just gonna get drunk
00:11:31And trash the place
00:11:33So, that's why it always looks like shit
00:11:35But you can't really blame the club owners, though
00:11:37Because some comics are just idiots
00:11:39Like, I know some people
00:11:40Who do some, like, crazy shit
00:11:43Like, so stupid
00:11:44Like, burn holes in the carpets
00:11:46And, and, uh, write on the walls
00:11:48Or get really drunk and pass out
00:11:51Or, or do really freaky shit to the couches
00:11:54So
00:11:56Really?
00:11:58I, I, I don't mean that couch in particular
00:12:00I'm just giving you an example of, uh
00:12:03What goes on in the comedy condo
00:12:05Hmm
00:12:06Actually, I think it was this couch
00:12:08I'd like to, uh, I like, I like to get up
00:12:11And I like to, uh, like to get one of these
00:12:13The comics bible
00:12:14A national paper or a local paper
00:12:18Cause there's usually, there's usually a story
00:12:21That can relate, you know
00:12:22That I can fit into a bit
00:12:24That the locals will relate to, you know
00:12:26So you do a lot of current event material
00:12:29And
00:12:30Not really
00:12:33Unless I see something good
00:12:36I'm gonna try to work it in
00:12:40What's up?
00:12:45You're back early, man
00:12:46What, uh, what happened to, uh, Nikki
00:12:49Uh, that girl you were working on
00:12:51The, the stripper
00:12:51Godhead
00:12:52Oh, that's, that's too bad, man
00:12:56Yeah
00:12:56I know how, I know how it feels
00:12:58Yeah, it was afterward
00:13:01We're kicking it in her car
00:13:02And, uh, um
00:13:03Turns out, uh, you know
00:13:06We're talking
00:13:06Whatever
00:13:08Turns out, uh, Nikki is short for Nicholas
00:13:11Yeah, he's a fucking transvestite
00:13:14Yeah, thank you
00:13:16Yeah
00:13:23Next time you see me talking to a chick after a show
00:13:25Just remind me, please
00:13:27To, uh, ask her if she's had any prostate trouble in her recent past
00:13:30Would you do that for me?
00:13:33Can I use that?
00:13:34Can I use that?
00:13:35Fuck
00:13:35Yeah
00:13:36So what's your take on Sean?
00:13:39He's funny
00:13:40He's a funny guy
00:13:41Um
00:13:42But
00:13:42You know, the only thing is that
00:13:44With Sean, I mean
00:13:46He
00:13:46I think he's in it for the fame aspect, really
00:13:50To be honest
00:13:51Because he, he doesn't stick to one act
00:13:53He's always, he's always trying to come up with a gimmick
00:13:55Or, or, or, you know
00:13:57To, to be a superstar
00:13:59Or he's always jumping on whatever bandwagon comes along
00:14:03Right
00:14:04To, to, like, get a TV series
00:14:06Anyway, I'm thinking about doing a
00:14:07Becoming a prop comic now
00:14:08I mean, I was watching that, uh
00:14:09Potato Head guy
00:14:10His, uh, half hour comedy special the other night
00:14:13And man
00:14:13That guy
00:14:14He just, like
00:14:15Got a killing
00:14:16In the college market
00:14:17He's killing
00:14:18Are you sure you want to do that?
00:14:20I mean, really
00:14:21Because, like
00:14:21That gives people no insight into who you are
00:14:25And most prop comedy is really stupid
00:14:27Yeah, but I don't know, man
00:14:30I mean, the people love stupid humor
00:14:32That's it
00:14:32People really love the stupid humor
00:14:33You gotta go for it
00:14:34I gotta go for it
00:14:35I don't know, man
00:14:35I'm thinking that's the way to go
00:14:36I think you should use your, you know
00:14:38Work on your religious stuff
00:14:39And make a name for yourself that way
00:14:41Because that's really good
00:14:42And I've got nothing against religion
00:14:43Like I said, my mom is very religious
00:14:45I've got nothing against religion
00:14:46I just have a different take on it
00:14:47You know what I mean?
00:14:48Because I'm thinking to myself
00:14:49God, by definition
00:14:51Is the supreme being, right?
00:14:53God's got a message for me
00:14:54God's smart enough to send me, like
00:14:56A newsletter, right?
00:14:57You know, something comprehendable
00:14:59Logical in a language
00:15:00That someone has spoken in the last 2,000 years
00:15:02You know?
00:15:02The only thing that I get
00:15:03That resembles the newsletter, though
00:15:05Are these pamphlets
00:15:06That I get on my doorstep
00:15:07Every morning, every Saturday
00:15:08You know?
00:15:09And I'm reading their pamphlet
00:15:10Because I'm a good sport
00:15:11I'm reading, I'm thinking to myself
00:15:11You know, I don't think
00:15:13This is the word of God
00:15:14You know, I don't
00:15:14And maybe it's not really the pamphlet
00:15:16So much as it is
00:15:17The paper delivery boy
00:15:19That's bringing it to my doorstep
00:15:20Right?
00:15:20Because I'm looking at this guy
00:15:21Going, yeah
00:15:21You know, man
00:15:23Nothing quite says
00:15:24Divine messenger better
00:15:26Than a mustard-colored
00:15:27Fake tweed jacket
00:15:28With naga-eyed elbow patches
00:15:29You know what I mean?
00:15:30And he tells me
00:15:31He knows when the Armageddon is coming
00:15:32Well, judging by his pants
00:15:34Apparently it's coming in flood form
00:15:36Hey, hey
00:15:49Hey, brother
00:15:50That was some funny shit up there tonight
00:15:52Yeah, thanks, man
00:15:53Man, I ain't laughed that hard in a long time
00:15:56Really?
00:15:56For real, for real
00:15:57Yeah?
00:15:58For real
00:15:58Hey, you're alright, too
00:16:00Well, anyway
00:16:01That shit you're talking about
00:16:03You know, you're talking about
00:16:04Your parents dressing you
00:16:05Yeah
00:16:05I could totally relate
00:16:07Oh, yeah?
00:16:07My parents were the same way
00:16:09I mean, I let my wife dress me now
00:16:11But, like, you can see
00:16:12She's got a bit of a drinking problem, too
00:16:14Yeah, well
00:16:17You know
00:16:20I guess
00:16:21I guess my dad had a dick to photograph
00:16:24Hung like a mule, supposedly
00:16:27She checked to see if it was genetic
00:16:29Huh?
00:16:29Huh?
00:16:30Nothing
00:16:31He's just trying to be funny
00:16:32That's all
00:16:33Well, leave it to a comedian
00:16:35To try to do a joke
00:16:36Well, I gotta go
00:16:42So soon
00:16:43Yeah
00:16:45Yeah
00:16:45Well, my wife's gonna get tested
00:16:48Because when she drinks
00:16:49She gets horny
00:16:51You know what I mean?
00:16:52Oh, yeah
00:16:53I sure do
00:16:54Unfortunately
00:16:55But thanks for the visual
00:16:56Huh?
00:16:59Well, I gotta piss
00:17:00Okay
00:17:01You keep going, though
00:17:03You keep at it
00:17:04You're funny
00:17:05You're gonna make it
00:17:07Alright, thanks, man
00:17:08You're gonna make it
00:17:08I appreciate it
00:17:09Alright
00:17:09Thanks, brother
00:17:10Alright
00:17:11Every fucking show
00:17:12There's always some guy
00:17:14Some drunk guy
00:17:14Who's gotta come up
00:17:15From the audience
00:17:16And relate to a story
00:17:17You know what I mean?
00:17:18Gotta tell you some badass joke
00:17:19Or whatever
00:17:19And every town you go to
00:17:21No matter how bad it is
00:17:22The small of the town
00:17:23The small of the crowd
00:17:24The worse the jokes
00:17:25Yeah, and the worse the breath
00:17:27Yeah, no shit, man
00:17:28My buzz got stronger
00:17:29Off each sentence
00:17:30Before today
00:17:31I was really thinking
00:17:33Is it all worth it?
00:17:35Or should I just pack it in
00:17:37And go back to work
00:17:39In 40 hours a week
00:17:40You know?
00:17:41But now that I got
00:17:43The good work from a man
00:17:44I think I'm gonna stick it out
00:17:46Because apparently
00:17:47I'm gonna make it
00:17:50So do you always walk
00:17:51To get your coffee
00:17:52In the morning?
00:17:52Yeah, I do
00:17:53I like to get coffee
00:17:55Or breakfast
00:17:57A little something to eat
00:17:58You know?
00:17:59And it's hard to get exercise
00:18:00On the road
00:18:00So I like to
00:18:01I like to walk
00:18:03As much as I can
00:18:04That sounds like a good idea
00:18:06Yeah
00:18:06Hey
00:18:07Hey, man
00:18:08Give me a dollar
00:18:09Come on, shit, dude
00:18:11It ain't for drugs
00:18:12Or booze or nothing
00:18:13Come on, seriously
00:18:13Look at me
00:18:14Fork it over, fucker
00:18:17Dude, I can't believe
00:18:21You just fucking gave
00:18:22That guy a buck, dude
00:18:22I said he didn't do anything
00:18:24He didn't even fucking ask politely
00:18:25Yeah, did you hear the way
00:18:27He asked, though?
00:18:27I mean
00:18:28Give me a dollar
00:18:29What am I gonna do, huh?
00:18:31I'm not gonna argue with that
00:18:32Fuck it, it's only a dollar
00:18:33Dude, it's not the buck, man
00:18:35It's the principle of the matter
00:18:36I mean, you know
00:18:37He
00:18:37Jesus
00:18:38I mean, you gotta make him work
00:18:39For this money
00:18:40I mean, Jesus
00:18:41What's he gonna do?
00:18:42Whittle me a plaque?
00:18:42Dude, I don't know
00:18:43Make him dance or something
00:18:44Raymond Burr
00:18:45He was so massive
00:18:47Well, dare I say
00:18:50Thick
00:18:52Thick
00:18:53Thick is the word
00:18:55We're looking for here
00:18:56Oogling
00:18:56Well, oogling
00:18:58That's what you were doing
00:19:00And don't forget
00:19:00We met Mr. Burr
00:19:02Lance and I
00:19:03While we were selling
00:19:05Men's furnishings
00:19:06Furnishings
00:19:06Well, he's a huge man
00:19:08For God's sake
00:19:09A 22 neck
00:19:1130
00:19:1230
00:19:1338 sleeve
00:19:15And he owned his own island
00:19:17Ray, for God's sakes
00:19:19He was his own island
00:19:20Yes
00:19:21Oh
00:19:23And every Friday night
00:19:25We would all
00:19:27Caravan up to
00:19:28Raymond Burr's house
00:19:29And have dinner
00:19:31Because he was
00:19:32Well, he was gourmet cook
00:19:34Oh, he made the best
00:19:35Remaki
00:19:36Remaki
00:19:36Sorry
00:19:39Remaki to die for
00:19:41And we would
00:19:43Thank you
00:19:43And we would
00:19:44All be up there
00:19:46There you go
00:19:47All of us
00:19:48And we would
00:19:49We would have dinner
00:19:49And then we would put on
00:19:51A little show
00:19:52Much like
00:19:54Well, sort of a gay
00:19:55Our gang
00:19:56He was Darla
00:19:57And I was
00:19:58Alfalfa
00:19:59Oh, yes
00:20:00And Raymond Burr
00:20:02Would be there
00:20:02In his apron
00:20:03And for God's sake
00:20:05Not much help
00:20:05Oh, no
00:20:06Good ass set
00:20:10Thanks, bro
00:20:10Hey, you had a good set
00:20:12Too, man
00:20:12Oh, thanks, man
00:20:13I appreciate that
00:20:14What the fuck
00:20:15Dude, isn't that that dude
00:20:16You gave a buck to?
00:20:17Holy shit, you're right
00:20:18He's drinking a beer
00:20:20Oh, hold on
00:20:22Hey, didn't I give you
00:20:25A dollar today?
00:20:26Hey, yeah, that's right
00:20:27Thanks, man
00:20:28I appreciate that
00:20:28That's cool
00:20:29Yeah, but
00:20:29You said you weren't
00:20:31Going to spend it
00:20:31On drugs or booze
00:20:33And here you are
00:20:33Drinking a beer
00:20:34What's up with that?
00:20:34No, no, no
00:20:35I used the buck
00:20:35That you gave me
00:20:36For the cover charge
00:20:37That's cool, you know
00:20:38Anyway, I wasn't
00:20:39Going to drink
00:20:40But, you know
00:20:40The club has a
00:20:41Two-drink minimum
00:20:41And everything
00:20:42And, you know
00:20:42What am I supposed
00:20:43To do?
00:20:44It's not my policy
00:20:44You know, so
00:20:46Like, you know
00:20:47Anyway, you know
00:20:49You're really funny
00:20:50Tonight, I gotta tell you
00:20:50That shit about
00:20:51Your parents dressing
00:20:52You is classic
00:20:53I remember guys
00:20:53Like you in school
00:20:54You know, what a
00:20:55Ridiculous fucking
00:20:55Look that is, you know
00:20:56So
00:20:57Anyway, man
00:21:00Keep it up, dude
00:21:01You're going places
00:21:02So did you give it to him
00:21:09Or what?
00:21:10No
00:21:10Got me on a technicality
00:21:13Technicality?
00:21:14What the fuck
00:21:14Is wrong with you?
00:21:16He didn't use the dollar
00:21:17I gave him on the beer
00:21:18He used it on the cover charge
00:21:19And you fell for that?
00:21:22Dude
00:21:22Fucking go back over there, dude
00:21:25Alright?
00:21:26And fucking make him
00:21:27Do the electric slide
00:21:28Or something, dude
00:21:29I mean, dude
00:21:29You guys gotta fucking
00:21:30Work for his money, dude
00:21:31Fuck it, man
00:21:32It's only a buck
00:21:32Dude, it's not the buck
00:21:33It's the principle of the matter
00:21:34You got conned
00:21:35By a guy wearing
00:21:36Nine layers of clothing
00:21:37That's fucking sad
00:21:38No, no, no
00:21:38It's cool, it's cool
00:21:39I got something for my money
00:21:40Oh, yeah?
00:21:41What'd you get?
00:21:42Validation
00:21:42Oh, yeah?
00:21:43Did he relate?
00:21:43Yeah, you know he did
00:21:44I got two experts
00:21:46Telling me I'm going places
00:21:47You know, I really wish
00:21:49I really wish I could live with that
00:21:50But no
00:21:50That's not good
00:21:51Where's he going?
00:21:54I don't know
00:21:55So, uh
00:21:56I'm thinking of
00:21:58Going dancing later
00:21:59Oh
00:22:00You know
00:22:01Find a club or something
00:22:03If you wanted to come with us
00:22:04Oh, yeah
00:22:05I'm following you guys
00:22:05So
00:22:06Yeah
00:22:06Let's do it
00:22:07Alright
00:22:08Cool
00:22:09Well, you know
00:22:10We don't actually
00:22:11Know where to go
00:22:13So if you have any suggestions
00:22:14Oh, I'm
00:22:16Not as new here as you
00:22:17So whatever you decide
00:22:18Is great
00:22:19Hey, so
00:22:22Did you get my money's worth?
00:22:23Oh, more
00:22:24Yeah
00:22:24Yeah
00:22:25He made me give him a buck, too
00:22:28Oh
00:22:29Well, I guess you showed him
00:22:30Yeah
00:22:31You guys ready?
00:22:33Yeah
00:22:33Have fun
00:22:35Moe's alley boogie
00:22:36You're the moe's alley boogie
00:22:37The night
00:22:37Oh, moe's alley boogie
00:22:39Champagne
00:22:43Color your eyes
00:22:43What's your sign?
00:22:46Are you hitting on me?
00:22:47Am I hitting on you?
00:22:49No
00:22:49It's for verification of this ID
00:22:51See
00:22:52If this ain't yours
00:22:54You might have the dates memorized
00:22:56But you're not going to know the guy's sign
00:22:58Smart, huh?
00:23:00Fucking brilliant
00:23:01I'm a Virgo
00:23:03Cool
00:23:08Five bucks
00:23:09Thanks
00:23:09Do I ever go to the comedy club?
00:23:15Do you ever go to the comedy club?
00:23:17I go every now and then
00:23:18Alright, I'll tell you what
00:23:18Four free passes
00:23:20Four free passes?
00:23:22Right there
00:23:22You come down
00:23:23You check us out
00:23:24We're going to be there
00:23:24Sunday night
00:23:26Tomorrow's the last night
00:23:26We're going to be there
00:23:27Okay
00:23:27You come down and check us out
00:23:29Yeah, we'll be there
00:23:29Me and this guy back here
00:23:30We're going to be there
00:23:31Okay
00:23:31You come down and check us out
00:23:32But even if you don't go tomorrow
00:23:33Come anytime
00:23:34They're good forever, okay?
00:23:35I can go anytime?
00:23:36Anytime you want
00:23:37How's that sound?
00:23:37Great
00:23:38Sound good?
00:23:38Yeah
00:23:39Thank you
00:23:39What?
00:23:41You forgot to pay the recovery charge
00:23:42It's five bucks
00:23:43What are you talking about?
00:23:44I thought, you know
00:23:44Oh, all you thought
00:23:47You know
00:23:48I see how it is
00:23:50You give somebody a gift
00:23:52But there's strings attached
00:23:54You know
00:23:55I don't want your fucking free passes
00:23:57Because they're not really free, are they?
00:24:07Hey, um
00:24:08We're filming a documentary here
00:24:11And if you let us in
00:24:12We'll put you in the movie
00:24:13Really?
00:24:14Yeah
00:24:14You put me in the movie?
00:24:15Yeah
00:24:15I love you, baby
00:24:30Straight right through and through
00:24:32I love you in spite of all of the crazy things you do
00:24:37Well, running around and drinking
00:24:39Sailing out all night
00:24:41Well, it don't take a lot of thinking
00:24:44But figure out that he's right
00:24:46Oh, I never forget enough
00:24:49Like a fire, he'll burn me up
00:24:51What are you guys doing?
00:24:53Um, we're making a documentary film
00:24:55Oh, really?
00:24:56What about
00:24:56This guy right here is a comedian
00:24:58Oh, really?
00:24:59Is that right?
00:24:59Yeah
00:25:00So you're filming now?
00:25:03We're filming right here
00:25:04You know, he did a show here in town
00:25:07Oh, yeah
00:25:07No, that's great, actually
00:25:09You know
00:25:09I'll be
00:25:10Very quiet
00:25:11You try to get out of your way
00:25:13You know, whatever
00:25:14But, you know
00:25:14If the camera's just walking up
00:25:16Across my face
00:25:17Then we're having
00:25:17Very photogenic
00:25:18Great
00:25:19Very natural
00:25:20Fantastic
00:25:22Let me know
00:25:23If you're happy to each another round
00:25:24Okay
00:25:24Great
00:25:25Thank you
00:25:26Thanks
00:25:27So where do we go next?
00:25:31Um
00:25:31Well
00:25:33See, Tuesday we've got to be in Sacramento
00:25:35But, uh, Monday
00:25:38We've got a little one night
00:25:39Or someplace in between
00:25:40It's just, uh
00:25:40You know, I don't even know the name of it
00:25:42You don't sound happy about it
00:25:44Nah, it's cool
00:25:46It's cool
00:25:47I mean, why do you even do it?
00:25:50You know
00:25:50Well, you know
00:25:52The lady who books it
00:25:53She heard we're going to be out in this area
00:25:55So, uh, you know
00:25:57So she asked me to do it
00:25:58And I just, you know
00:25:59I figure we're going to be out here
00:26:02It's a little extra cash
00:26:03It's on the way
00:26:04You know
00:26:05What the hell
00:26:05You know
00:26:06It's an awful gig
00:26:08But
00:26:08A lot of owners
00:26:11Or bookers
00:26:13Will just book you right off that recommendation
00:26:14Wow
00:26:15That's how I get into a lot of clubs
00:26:17You know what they're doing
00:26:17You're back soon
00:26:22Didn't find no one to dance with
00:26:24No, I did
00:26:25I got slapped
00:26:26You did
00:26:27Turn on the charm early
00:26:30Huh?
00:26:31I just, you know
00:26:32I just didn't want the same thing to happen
00:26:33Again, like I did the other night
00:26:36You know
00:26:36So
00:26:37What'd you do?
00:26:39You grabbed her crotch
00:26:41And checked for her penis?
00:26:43Yeah, right
00:26:44I just, uh
00:26:46Asked her if she was a woman
00:26:49You just asked her?
00:26:52She's a woman
00:26:52Yeah
00:26:53You just, you just came out
00:26:55And asked her
00:26:55If she was a woman
00:26:57Yeah
00:26:57Did she look like she could be a man?
00:27:01Not really
00:27:02But
00:27:02And again, neither did Nikki
00:27:03What did she look like?
00:27:08She's alright looking
00:27:09I guess she's attractive
00:27:10But
00:27:11There she is
00:27:13You're an asshole
00:27:14Where's she going, Casanova?
00:27:24Way to pick up the chicks, huh?
00:27:26Hi, I'm Sean
00:27:27Are you a man?
00:27:28Fuck you
00:27:29That's all the line that gets me in bed
00:27:31Gotta get dancing
00:27:32Oh
00:27:33I, uh, I taught dancing
00:27:35At Arthur Murray Dance School
00:27:37In Sioux City, Iowa
00:27:39True
00:27:40And I taught dear Abby
00:27:41And her lovely sister
00:27:43What is that other nosy bitch?
00:27:45Ann Landers
00:27:46Ann Landers
00:27:47Oh, oh
00:27:48And well
00:27:49And I taught them how to dance
00:27:50In Sioux City, Iowa
00:27:50Oh
00:27:51Good God
00:27:52Who said he tried being artistic
00:27:54In, in that
00:27:55Uh, oh
00:27:57In Iowa
00:27:58For God's sake
00:27:58Oh
00:27:59Sweet Jesus
00:28:00Well
00:28:00It was years and years ago
00:28:02Got a call from the NBC people today
00:28:05Well, it's great
00:28:06Was it an audition?
00:28:09No, actually
00:28:10I had an audition about a month ago
00:28:11For a new sitcom
00:28:12So did you hear bad news about it?
00:28:17Or
00:28:17Yeah
00:28:18Apparently I'm too witty
00:28:21Too witty
00:28:22Mm-hmm
00:28:23Hmm
00:28:24Yep
00:28:24They said that intelligent comedy
00:28:26Was the last season
00:28:27They like my physical stuff
00:28:30But, um
00:28:30They don't anticipate physical comedy
00:28:33Coming back into fashion
00:28:34For another year or two
00:28:36That's insane
00:28:39I mean
00:28:41If you're funny, you're funny
00:28:43Right?
00:28:43I mean
00:28:43Yeah
00:28:44To everybody but the people who count
00:28:46So what did they say was in fashion?
00:28:51Impressionists
00:28:53What about impressionists?
00:28:56Nothing
00:28:56It's just
00:28:57I just
00:28:57I got a call from NBC today
00:28:59And they told me that
00:29:00That my brand of comedy
00:29:01Was out of fashion
00:29:03And that impressionists are in
00:29:05God damn it
00:29:07What?
00:29:08Yeah
00:29:09I just fucking went out
00:29:10And spent like two thousand dollars worth of
00:29:11Like
00:29:12You know
00:29:12On toys
00:29:13And I went to the toy stores
00:29:15And novelty shops
00:29:15And all these like
00:29:16You know
00:29:17Second hand stores
00:29:18You know
00:29:18Buying stuff to assemble
00:29:20And turn it into my prop comic act
00:29:22And now you're telling me it's worthless
00:29:23Don't worry about it man
00:29:24I mean
00:29:24It's just
00:29:25You know
00:29:25I don't know why you care
00:29:26It's just one guy's opinion
00:29:27And it'll probably change next week anyway
00:29:30Yeah
00:29:31You're probably right
00:29:32Shit
00:29:33What am I gonna do
00:29:34Is let it go to waste?
00:29:35I mean
00:29:35Look out at the car out there man
00:29:37I got like
00:29:37I got like
00:29:38A trunk full of shit
00:29:40Strapped to the roof
00:29:41Fuck man
00:29:46I don't fucking know right
00:29:47We're in there for like
00:29:47Fucking half an hour
00:29:48We're eating some breakfast
00:29:49Come out
00:29:50All my shit is gone
00:29:51Fucking my
00:29:51Still my whole fucking act
00:29:53Has been stolen
00:29:53Man this is worse than doing a set
00:29:55In front of Troy Mills
00:29:56At least he only steals
00:29:57A couple jokes
00:29:58I wonder
00:29:59Maybe let's have a potato head
00:30:01Alright guys
00:30:02Here's the deal
00:30:03What exactly was missing from the trunk?
00:30:05Fucking everything man
00:30:06I fucking
00:30:06I spent out like fucking what
00:30:07Twenty five hundred fucking dollars
00:30:08With the shit this morning
00:30:09Alright
00:30:10Every fucking thing I had
00:30:11My whole life savings
00:30:12Was in that fucking trunk
00:30:13Alright
00:30:13Now I got fucking nothing
00:30:14Everything was in there
00:30:15Okay
00:30:15You're a comedian
00:30:16Well maybe you should rely on
00:30:17Rely on wit
00:30:18Not so much props
00:30:19Look man
00:30:20I was fucking becoming a prop comic
00:30:21So I didn't need to rely on wit
00:30:23You obviously don't understand the business
00:30:25So you know
00:30:26Alright well here's the deal
00:30:27Please stick to being a cop
00:30:28Here's the deal
00:30:29We're not going to put roadblocks up
00:30:31All over the city
00:30:32To find guys with stolen wigs
00:30:33And five wheel bicycles
00:30:34What the fuck are you going to do then?
00:30:36This is my fucking life savings man
00:30:37I understand that
00:30:38But we're not going to block
00:30:39The whole road down for you
00:30:40I mean we'll do what we can
00:30:41To try to find it
00:30:42And if we do we'll call you
00:30:42But here's a little advice
00:30:44If you're going to be a comedian
00:30:44Maybe you should write some really good material
00:30:46It's just an idea
00:30:47Because then if this stuff happens
00:30:49You can at least rely on your wit
00:30:50Alright?
00:30:52Alright whatever
00:30:52Thanks
00:30:52Talk to you later
00:30:53I'll get fucking comedy advice
00:30:55From Johnny Law
00:30:56Now we know why they call them Ironside
00:30:58Oh oh
00:30:58Roll them on in
00:31:00Oh that's the wrong theme song
00:31:04Is it
00:31:05Boom
00:31:07Shit like this always happens
00:31:09It does
00:31:09That's why you know
00:31:10I hate to drive anymore
00:31:11I never drive
00:31:12And I fly as much as I possibly can
00:31:14I wouldn't have fucking done me any good anyway
00:31:16Fucking I
00:31:16This shit always happens to me
00:31:18You're right man
00:31:19You're right
00:31:20I mean bad luck follows you around
00:31:21Like B.O. at a Grateful Dead concert
00:31:23All I'm saying is that
00:31:27I wanted a punk band
00:31:29I would never sell out
00:31:30You know what I mean?
00:31:31I mean that's
00:31:32That's what punk's about
00:31:33It's about you know
00:31:35It's about the scene
00:31:36I mean it's about saying
00:31:37Fuck corporate rock
00:31:39And how can you say
00:31:39Fuck corporate rock
00:31:40And then sign like a big
00:31:42Three album deal with like Atlantic
00:31:44Or some big record label like that
00:31:45I mean it's like
00:31:46It's like a rabbi converting to Catholicism
00:31:49Because somebody gave a couple of million
00:31:50You know all I'm saying is
00:31:51Be true to your convictions
00:31:53You know what I mean?
00:31:54If you really believe something
00:31:54Believe it
00:31:55And if you do be true to your convictions
00:31:56That's all I'm saying
00:31:57I know I agree with you
00:31:58But
00:31:59I got a question for you
00:32:02What?
00:32:03How come you keep changing your act?
00:32:06Change your act into something you're not
00:32:08Just so you can make it big
00:32:10Isn't that kind of like selling out?
00:32:13I'm not in the book yet
00:32:15Sean come on
00:32:16Hurry up
00:32:17Let's get going
00:32:17I'm coming
00:32:18I'm coming
00:32:18I'm almost ready
00:32:21I'm just going to put my shoes
00:32:22What's the big rush tonight?
00:32:25It's just
00:32:25I hear weird things about this club owner Jared
00:32:28He's got specific ideas
00:32:30About the way he wants things to be run here
00:32:31So since I never worked for him before
00:32:34I just want him to get there
00:32:35And make a good first impression
00:32:36Hey besides
00:32:39He says
00:32:40John said he's going to open up two more clubs
00:32:43So there's a good guy to be in with
00:32:44Two more really?
00:32:46Yeah
00:32:46Where at?
00:32:47I think he said
00:32:48Arizona and Texas
00:32:51But he said he overheard him saying something about San Jose too
00:32:55So it's anybody's guess
00:32:57That's cool
00:32:59Alright I'm ready
00:33:01Ready to go?
00:33:02Yeah
00:33:02Alright cool
00:33:03Okay
00:33:05Ready?
00:33:09Yes
00:33:09Okay
00:33:10Alright I got the keys
00:33:12Hey do you know what you're going to be doing tonight?
00:33:15Uh yeah I guess I'm new
00:33:16Yeah
00:33:17Excuse me
00:33:19Bartender
00:33:21Can I talk to you for a second huh?
00:33:23Don't want to be rude
00:33:23Don't want to get in your face
00:33:24Nothing like that
00:33:25You know
00:33:25But
00:33:25I specifically ordered
00:33:27A margarita blended
00:33:29No salt
00:33:30Huh?
00:33:31And the salt on the rim
00:33:32No no no
00:33:33Yes there is
00:33:34Fucking salt right there
00:33:35I fucking taste the salt
00:33:37You're the fucking salt right there huh?
00:33:38You salted a little bit
00:33:40Yes you
00:33:40No
00:33:41Yes you did
00:33:42Huh?
00:33:43You fucking ordered it for somebody else?
00:33:45I think I'm the only guy here huh?
00:33:46You see somebody else ordering a margarita you fucking prick
00:33:48Huh?
00:33:49Hey
00:33:50Bill
00:33:51My friend Bill's going to get something to drink
00:33:53You better not fuck up his order
00:33:53What do you want Bill?
00:33:54You want something to drink?
00:33:55I'm not going to drink you see
00:33:56Because I'm thinking
00:33:57This time I'm going to have something like a little
00:33:59A jello shot maybe
00:34:01Just a jello shot
00:34:02Can I get a little tipsy
00:34:03Without getting all full of the water
00:34:05You know what I'm saying?
00:34:10The fuck is wrong with you huh?
00:34:12Hey Chris you're drinking with us right?
00:34:13You're going to drink with us?
00:34:15No
00:34:15I'm not drinking again
00:34:17We've gone out three nights in a row
00:34:18Every night I've got to take a fucking cab
00:34:20I'd be damned
00:34:21If I'm going to get in a cab
00:34:22With those fucking assholes again
00:34:24The fucking Nazi cab drivers are crazy
00:34:25Hey man you were awesome tonight huh?
00:34:30Thanks man
00:34:30Yeah I didn't know you could do all those voices
00:34:32I mean no nobody does man
00:34:34I
00:34:35I can always do it
00:34:37I just never did that stuff
00:34:38I didn't want to be known as like a hacker
00:34:40Impressionist or nothing like that
00:34:41No man that's funny
00:34:43That is some really funny shit
00:34:44You should definitely keep that
00:34:46That's a strong closer
00:34:47Oh you think so?
00:34:48Mmhmm definitely
00:34:49Oh that was good man
00:34:50Did you get a chance to talk to Jared?
00:34:53Uh not yet no
00:34:54No he said uh
00:34:56He was going to come in here and talk to me
00:34:57Oh yeah
00:34:58So
00:34:58Mmhmm
00:34:59He was in the middle of something
00:35:00I don't know how he couldn't have been happy though man
00:35:02He fucking
00:35:02He tore that crowd up tonight
00:35:04Yeah?
00:35:04Yeah he'd have to be stoked
00:35:05Hope so
00:35:08Alright
00:35:12You have Jared's ears
00:35:16Sean
00:35:20Would you excuse us please?
00:35:22Yeah sure
00:35:22Rich have a seat
00:35:24And Sean
00:35:26Yeah
00:35:26I like what I heard tonight
00:35:29I see potential
00:35:30Now we'll talk later
00:35:31Oh thank you
00:35:32But I definitely will use you in my clubs
00:35:35When I open the new ones in the future
00:35:37Thanks
00:35:39Sounds great
00:35:41Rich I
00:35:45What can I say?
00:35:47I
00:35:47John told me you were funny
00:35:51And I can honestly say
00:35:52He was right
00:35:53I just have
00:35:56One question
00:35:58Ask away
00:36:01What's your point?
00:36:03I've been a bartender for 13 years
00:36:07Actually
00:36:08Actually 14 years
00:36:09And
00:36:10Working in a comedy club is a little bit different than working in like dance clubs
00:36:14You know
00:36:14Because at a dance club
00:36:15The bar is where it's happening
00:36:17You know what I mean?
00:36:17People come to the bar
00:36:18They're yelling and screaming
00:36:20They're partying
00:36:20Throwing money around
00:36:22They buy the drinks from me
00:36:23They tip me
00:36:24And that's the way I can pull in like two bills a night
00:36:26Here it's not so much
00:36:27You know
00:36:28I gotta depend on the
00:36:29On the waitresses to tip me out
00:36:32And
00:36:33You know
00:36:35A lot of them got kids
00:36:36They're single moms
00:36:37And you know
00:36:37What's gonna happen there?
00:36:40Julie how many kids you got?
00:36:42None
00:36:43Shut up
00:36:45I like to get to know a lot of the comics come around here
00:36:48They're pretty cool you know
00:36:49Figure like one of them will make it big
00:36:52And come back and get me
00:36:52You know
00:36:53Sweep me off my feet
00:36:53We'll get married
00:36:54And move to like
00:36:55Probably L.A.
00:36:58Yeah we'd probably go to L.A.
00:36:59That's where the movie stars live
00:37:00You know
00:37:00We could buy like a big truck
00:37:02With like big monster tires
00:37:04And a roll bar
00:37:05We'd totally live it up
00:37:07Jared decided to take me under his wing
00:37:08And mold me into a great comedian
00:37:11I mean
00:37:11Who's a better authority on comedy than Jared
00:37:14He's been in the business what?
00:37:1625 years?
00:37:17Anyway
00:37:18He also told me to
00:37:19Change my name
00:37:20Make it into something funny
00:37:22So you know
00:37:23He said
00:37:23If you sound funny
00:37:24People are going to think you're funny
00:37:26And I figured
00:37:27Bill Hilarity
00:37:29Boom
00:37:29What's funnier than hilarity?
00:37:31I mean
00:37:31Hilarity means funny right?
00:37:33Funny's good
00:37:33Yes
00:37:34Yes
00:37:34Funny is good
00:37:35But
00:37:36I require
00:37:38A little extra
00:37:39From my headliners
00:37:40I want to see a message
00:37:42I want them to give something
00:37:45To the audience
00:37:46I gave them what they wanted
00:37:48Right
00:37:48I gave them laughter
00:37:50No
00:37:51No
00:37:53No
00:37:55Yes
00:37:57The thing that pisses me off about this job
00:37:59Is the comedians
00:38:00They don't tip
00:38:01You know
00:38:02Generally
00:38:02They're like
00:38:03Hey I'm the comedian
00:38:04I'm going to pay you for the drinks
00:38:05You know
00:38:06They take that attitude with me
00:38:07And that really kind of pisses me off
00:38:09You know
00:38:09Because they should tip
00:38:10Because we don't really make the money
00:38:12I'd like to be a bartender
00:38:13That'd be cool
00:38:13You know
00:38:14Make the drinks
00:38:15That'd be cool
00:38:16Because I'm really creative
00:38:17I could do that
00:38:18Yeah
00:38:18Like
00:38:19Taste them
00:38:20And like
00:38:20Test them out
00:38:20And like
00:38:21Make up new drinks
00:38:21Because see
00:38:22The other night
00:38:23I was at home
00:38:23And my roommate
00:38:24Drank all the rest of my beer
00:38:26So I was mixing together
00:38:27Whatever I had
00:38:28Like vodka
00:38:30And tequila
00:38:30Kahlua
00:38:31A little grenadine
00:38:32It was pretty good
00:38:34Alright
00:38:35But while I was making it
00:38:36I was making
00:38:36Macaroni and cheese
00:38:38For dinner
00:38:38And I ripped open
00:38:39That little
00:38:39Powdered cheese packet
00:38:41You know
00:38:41And I spilled some
00:38:42In my drink
00:38:43And I wasn't going to
00:38:44Get rid of my drink
00:38:45Because that's all I had
00:38:46You know
00:38:46So I stirred it up
00:38:50And I drank it
00:38:51It was pretty good
00:38:51Yeah
00:38:52Yeah
00:38:53The cheesy whore
00:38:54I'm the one in charge
00:38:55Here really
00:38:56I'm the guy making the drinks
00:38:57I'm in charge of the comedy juice
00:38:59I'm pushing it out there
00:39:00If I make weak drinks
00:39:01It's going to be a weak show
00:39:03If I make strong drinks
00:39:04It's going to be a strong show
00:39:05And that's what I tell these fuckers
00:39:06When they don't tip me
00:39:07This could be one of those
00:39:08Like theme drinks
00:39:09Like a blowjob
00:39:10Or like sex on a beach
00:39:11You know
00:39:11And you could have
00:39:12Like a ritual
00:39:13That you'd have to go through
00:39:14The bartender
00:39:15Would set the drink up
00:39:16In front of you
00:39:17And you'd have to say something like
00:39:18Where's my fucking sandwich
00:39:20Bitch
00:39:20Nobody gathered around here
00:39:22And even if there was people here
00:39:23You're not supposed to talk
00:39:25Because there's a fucking genius
00:39:26On the stage
00:39:26You know what I mean
00:39:27Rich
00:39:27When you get up on that stage
00:39:28You grab that microphone
00:39:29You're the leader
00:39:31They're looking to you
00:39:34For guidance
00:39:35Comedy's not about humor
00:39:40Or laughter
00:39:41Or any of that superficial bullshit
00:39:43That people tell you it's about
00:39:44I'm still working on my jokes
00:39:46I don't get a lot of laughs
00:39:47Jared says that's okay
00:39:50He says comedy's not about laughter
00:39:52I think I'm pretty good for a beginner
00:39:54I'm not telling you how to do your act
00:39:56Okay
00:39:56And I'm not telling you
00:39:57That I'm not going to book you in the future
00:39:59Because I like you
00:40:01All I'm saying is
00:40:03You need to work on a message
00:40:05I know what I'm talking about
00:40:08I've been around a long time
00:40:10I know a lot of people
00:40:11I have a lot of connections
00:40:13I've got a lot of people sitcoms
00:40:16A lot
00:40:17And I can do it again if
00:40:19I truly believe in that person
00:40:22Your style of comedy's in right now
00:40:25That intelligent physical
00:40:26If I wasn't doing this
00:40:28I'll be honest with you
00:40:29I'd probably be a comedian myself
00:40:30Because I'm a funny fuck
00:40:32You know what I mean
00:40:34I'm twice as funny
00:40:36As the jerks that get up here
00:40:37But that comic lifestyle thing
00:40:41That doesn't make it with me
00:40:42You know
00:40:43Stretching from gig to gig
00:40:44No pun
00:40:45They don't make any money
00:40:46They can make any money
00:40:47You ever seen the way these guys dress
00:40:48They're like fucking dirt poor
00:40:50And I like to live my life
00:40:52You know
00:40:52I have a certain standard
00:40:53That I like to live by
00:40:54You know
00:40:55I've got a good car
00:40:56My apartment
00:40:57But
00:40:58I could be a comedian
00:40:59If I wanted to
00:41:00I've got a lot of funny shit
00:41:01Like the other night
00:41:03This guy comes
00:41:03This guy comes up to the bar
00:41:05And he says
00:41:06He goes
00:41:06I like sex on the beast
00:41:09And I said
00:41:10You're going to have to get her permission
00:41:12On that one buddy
00:41:13Can I give you permission for that
00:41:15Anyway
00:41:17That's just
00:41:18It's just an idea
00:41:19For a joke
00:41:20But
00:41:20I've got hundreds of fucking funny jokes
00:41:23Like that
00:41:24Personally
00:41:25I think you're exactly
00:41:26What the networks are looking for right now
00:41:28What I'm saying here is
00:41:30That when my audiences leave my club
00:41:33Okay
00:41:34Not only do I want them to think
00:41:36Yay
00:41:36I had a great time
00:41:37But I want them to be able to
00:41:39To believe that they
00:41:40They left there
00:41:41With something special
00:41:42They were able to take
00:41:43Something special
00:41:44Home with them
00:41:45Have you tried selling t-shirts?
00:41:49I'm working on this bit
00:41:50About the spotted owl
00:41:51I'm saving that for when I'm a headliner
00:41:53He says it's all about the message
00:41:55Jared knows
00:41:56You see
00:42:03You see
00:42:05Run at a comedy club
00:42:07It's not all about
00:42:08Filling seats
00:42:08Selling drinks
00:42:09In the book and acts
00:42:10I'm sort of like a surrogate father
00:42:14To some of these young comics
00:42:15That come in here
00:42:16This club is
00:42:17It's like a home away from home
00:42:19You know
00:42:20And like a good father
00:42:21I want my comedians
00:42:22To do something with their lives
00:42:24To really make an impact on society
00:42:26To give back to the world
00:42:28You know why?
00:42:29Because that's what comedy's all about
00:42:30It's about love
00:42:32It's about caring
00:42:34It's a
00:42:34Wait a minute
00:42:36I'm not done here
00:42:37I'm making a point
00:42:37Hey where the hell are you going?
00:42:39Hey
00:42:39Who knows more about comedy than Jared?
00:42:42You
00:42:42Prick
00:42:43So can he really get you a sitcom?
00:42:47I don't know
00:42:48That's what he says
00:42:49I don't know
00:42:51He knows a lot of people
00:42:52He's been in the business a while
00:42:53But this is Sacramento
00:42:55It's not exactly L.A.
00:42:58So
00:42:58Could be on the level
00:43:00But it could just be like
00:43:02A big ego ship for him too
00:43:03But
00:43:05Once we do a little spiel at the end
00:43:07I'll do it
00:43:09This club tastes pretty well
00:43:10And it's good to be proud
00:43:11So
00:43:12Fuck it
00:43:13Who are you calling?
00:43:15Uh
00:43:15Jim Phillips
00:43:16Comedy contact
00:43:17Really?
00:43:18Yeah
00:43:18You know him?
00:43:19Yeah
00:43:19You work for him?
00:43:20No
00:43:20I've been trying to get in here
00:43:21For like a fucking year man
00:43:22Just get to run around
00:43:23All the time
00:43:24Really?
00:43:26He loves me
00:43:26Take him to the phone
00:43:27Really?
00:43:28Yeah
00:43:28Yes
00:43:33Jim please
00:43:34Rich Burns
00:43:35Hello
00:43:37Hey Jim
00:43:38What's up?
00:43:39It's Rich
00:43:40How you doing?
00:43:41Good
00:43:42Good
00:43:42Yeah
00:43:43Oh I know
00:43:45Yeah
00:43:45I'm going to be there in
00:43:46In March
00:43:48Right?
00:43:50Yep
00:43:50March 17th
00:43:51Right
00:43:51Excellent
00:43:52Look I was wondering
00:43:53If you
00:43:54Do you have
00:43:56Do you have a feature
00:43:57For that week?
00:43:58Oh really?
00:44:00Really?
00:44:02Oh cause I was thinking
00:44:02I was
00:44:03Well
00:44:03I was just going to ask
00:44:04If I could bring my own
00:44:05Sean Payne
00:44:07Oh yeah
00:44:08He's good
00:44:09He's good
00:44:10Well I've been going on
00:44:12Three weeks with him now
00:44:14Yeah
00:44:16He's rocking the room
00:44:17Definitely
00:44:18Okay
00:44:20He's right here
00:44:21Hold on
00:44:21Do you have
00:44:22Second week of April?
00:44:25April?
00:44:25November?
00:44:26Okay
00:44:26Yeah
00:44:28Yeah he does
00:44:32Alright
00:44:34Alright
00:44:35Excellent
00:44:35Thanks Jim
00:44:36Yeah I'll see you soon
00:44:38Okay I will
00:44:38Bye bye
00:44:39You're in
00:44:42Second week of April
00:44:43No shit?
00:44:44Yeah
00:44:44I tried to get us to work together
00:44:45But you know
00:44:46You had to film so
00:44:47That easy
00:44:48Dude
00:44:49It's in the gas dude
00:44:50Thanks man
00:44:51No problem
00:44:52Well
00:44:52I want to thank you all
00:44:54For coming out
00:44:55And
00:44:56I hope you had a good time
00:44:59Because really
00:45:00That's what it's all about
00:45:01Good times
00:45:03And good laughs
00:45:04Right
00:45:06I mean they say
00:45:07Laughter is the best medicine
00:45:09And
00:45:11Laughter is
00:45:12A cure all
00:45:13Both physically
00:45:14And mentally
00:45:15You know
00:45:16And
00:45:16If I
00:45:18Could make just one of you laugh
00:45:21And brighten up your day
00:45:24And I've done my job
00:45:26And all I ask for you in return
00:45:31Is that you
00:45:34Go out
00:45:36And brighten up someone else's day
00:45:39By either
00:45:41Telling them a joke
00:45:42Or
00:45:43Giving them a compliment
00:45:44Make someone smile
00:45:47Because if
00:45:49If everyone can just make
00:45:52One person smile
00:45:54Or put laughter on
00:45:56Another person's lips
00:45:58Then we can
00:46:01Heal this torn nation
00:46:03And answer
00:46:06Rodney King's question
00:46:08Yes
00:46:11We can all get along
00:46:14Hey what's up
00:46:18Hey man
00:46:18What the hell was that bullshit
00:46:21I had nothing
00:46:23See I had once
00:46:26All his headliners
00:46:27To have a
00:46:27Message
00:46:28Message
00:46:30Yeah
00:46:30You're stupid huh
00:46:32It's his fuck club man
00:46:34Yeah
00:46:34I don't know
00:46:37Did you think anyone bought it
00:46:39Not a one
00:46:41I didn't think so
00:46:43I was sort of screwing around
00:46:46Just to show how stupid I look
00:46:47You know
00:46:47Who doesn't think I was mocking him
00:46:51That
00:46:52Was
00:46:53Beautiful
00:46:54Absolutely brilliant
00:46:56Did I tell you
00:46:57Or did I tell you
00:46:58You gotta trust Jared
00:46:59I've been in this business too long to be wrong baby
00:47:02Hey I tell you what
00:47:04Take note of your friend here
00:47:05If you ever want to be a headliner
00:47:06He's good
00:47:07Fucking beautiful man
00:47:09John?
00:47:10Hey
00:47:17Hey
00:47:18What's happening
00:47:19Honey
00:47:20Wow
00:47:21I didn't think you made it
00:47:22Yeah
00:47:23I came in a little late
00:47:24But
00:47:25You know I only missed like two minutes of your act
00:47:27Wow
00:47:28You look great
00:47:29You look really great
00:47:30Oh
00:47:31This is Cheryl
00:47:32Cheryl the one year documentary
00:47:33And this is Gary Crew
00:47:34Hi
00:47:35And this is the other comic
00:47:36Rich
00:47:37Hi
00:47:38Hi
00:47:39This is Alyssa
00:47:40I'm sorry my sister
00:47:41Alyssa
00:47:42Oh hi
00:47:43You look nothing like Shawn
00:47:45Thank God
00:47:46I know
00:47:47Well we're not really related
00:47:48Oh you're not?
00:47:49No
00:47:50Are you like step brother and sister?
00:47:52Kind of
00:47:53It's a long story
00:47:55Maybe I'll tell you about it later
00:47:56You know
00:47:57Actually you know
00:47:58I live here in Sac
00:47:59Maybe we can get together later on in the week
00:48:01And hang out or something
00:48:02I thought you were really funny
00:48:04Oh really?
00:48:05Sure
00:48:06That would be great
00:48:07Yeah
00:48:08Go get a cup of coffee or something
00:48:09Yeah
00:48:10She never told me you had a sister
00:48:12Yeah
00:48:13I wasn't
00:48:14Didn't know that I was supposed to be your own personal Chuck fucking glory
00:48:17Hey man
00:48:18I'm not picking up on your sister
00:48:20Jesus Christ Shawn
00:48:21We're just talking
00:48:22I'm sorry
00:48:24I'm just
00:48:25Overreacted I guess
00:48:27I just had this kind of thought of my sister
00:48:30Dating a comic
00:48:32I don't know
00:48:33I don't know
00:48:34Just
00:48:35I don't know
00:48:36It's stupid
00:48:37Rich isn't like
00:48:38You?
00:48:39Yeah
00:48:40Pretty much
00:48:41Sorry man
00:48:42No offense
00:48:43It's alright
00:48:44I don't know
00:48:45I don't know
00:48:46Get us some drinks
00:48:47Okay
00:48:48I'll go with you
00:48:49Why don't you guys sit
00:48:50Do you mind talking?
00:48:51Yeah
00:48:52That's fine
00:48:53So how exactly are you two related?
00:48:54His dad was going to marry my mom
00:48:57And we lived together for about five years or so in high school
00:49:01And then his dad cheated on my mom
00:49:04And they broke up
00:49:06But during that time we called each other brother and sister
00:49:09Because I had two other friends named Shawn
00:49:12And a cousin named Shawn
00:49:14So when I would say Shawn
00:49:16People would say Shawn who?
00:49:18Shawn Andrews, Shawn McNamara, your cousin or your brother
00:49:21So it just became my brother
00:49:23Right
00:49:24And then after our parents broke up
00:49:26We just kept calling each other brother and sister
00:49:28You know
00:49:29I guess it's because we're the same age
00:49:31You know
00:49:32We developed a tight bond or something
00:49:34So have you always been close even from the beginning?
00:49:36No
00:49:37Not at all
00:49:38At first he would always try to get with me
00:49:41You know
00:49:42And
00:49:43You know when I think about it now
00:49:44It's really kind of gross
00:49:46You know
00:49:47It seems so incestuous now
00:49:49So you're saying that Shawn picked up on you?
00:49:52Yeah
00:49:53Like when we'd watch a scary movie or something
00:49:56He'd act all scared and then try to cuddle up to me
00:49:59Mmm
00:50:00And then sometimes
00:50:01You know
00:50:02He would say that he couldn't sleep
00:50:03And he'd want to come into my room
00:50:04And sleep with me in my bed
00:50:06And even when we got older
00:50:08You know
00:50:09He always, always had to hug me
00:50:11And they were long hugs too
00:50:13Come to think of it
00:50:14He still does it
00:50:15But you never thought about it
00:50:17I mean
00:50:18Even before you consider yourself related
00:50:20Oh no
00:50:21No way
00:50:22I mean
00:50:23He was
00:50:24Gross
00:50:25I mean
00:50:26When we first met
00:50:27He was so white trash
00:50:28You know
00:50:29He and his dad
00:50:30They're from the mountains
00:50:31I'm from Los Gatos
00:50:33You know
00:50:34We're just
00:50:35A totally different class of people
00:50:37You know
00:50:38Not to sound snobby or anything
00:50:39That's just the way it was
00:50:40Right
00:50:41You know
00:50:42And
00:50:43You should have seen his clothes
00:50:44I mean
00:50:45So
00:50:46Thrift store
00:50:47And I'm not talking like
00:50:48Retro cool thrift store
00:50:49I'm talking
00:50:50Goodwill thrift store
00:50:51You know
00:50:52Wrangler
00:50:53Oh yeah
00:50:54Totally dirty
00:50:55Smelly
00:50:56Yeah
00:50:57Stinky
00:50:58You know
00:50:59Like his couch
00:51:00Yeah
00:51:01But
00:51:02Luckily
00:51:03Under my guidance
00:51:04He's completely changed
00:51:05You know
00:51:06I've washed the white trash
00:51:07Completely out of him
00:51:08Hey
00:51:09I met a chick
00:51:10We're going to a strip club
00:51:11You guys want to go with?
00:51:12So do you get the run around a lot?
00:51:14What are you kidding me?
00:51:15Yeah
00:51:16Check this out
00:51:34Comedy club
00:51:35Yeah
00:51:36Can I speak to Brad please?
00:51:37Uh
00:51:38Hold on a moment
00:51:39Sir
00:51:40May phone be calling?
00:51:41Yeah
00:51:42This is Sean Payne
00:51:43Hold on
00:51:46Mr Payne
00:51:47What's this regarding?
00:51:48Yes
00:51:49I sent him a tape
00:51:50And I was just calling to check up
00:51:51Okay
00:51:52Hold on again
00:51:56Sir
00:51:57Mr Johnson's in a meeting right now
00:51:58Can I have him return your call please?
00:51:59Uh
00:52:00No thanks
00:52:01I'll just hold
00:52:02Sir
00:52:03He's in a meeting
00:52:04It could be ours
00:52:05That's fine
00:52:06I'm on my parents phone
00:52:07Hold on
00:52:08Hold on
00:52:11Sir
00:52:12Mr Johnson must have stepped out for a moment
00:52:14I'll need to take that message
00:52:15And have him return your call
00:52:16You know
00:52:17Actually you know what
00:52:18I'll tell you where I can
00:52:19Where you can find him
00:52:20He's in a fucking meeting
00:52:23You're never going to work there
00:52:24I know
00:52:25I don't even want to work there anymore man
00:52:26It's like fucking
00:52:27You know
00:52:28Someday I'll work there
00:52:29You know
00:52:30He'll be calling me
00:52:31And I'll work there for triple money
00:52:33Fucking bastard
00:52:34So do you still have to put up with that stuff too?
00:52:38To a certain extent
00:52:40Yeah
00:52:41I mean
00:52:42I can get a lot more recommendations now
00:52:43But
00:52:44You know
00:52:45I mean
00:52:46Unless you're a household name
00:52:47And you've been on the biggies
00:52:48Like Carson
00:52:49Or Leno
00:52:50Letterman
00:52:51The Mo Show
00:52:52Or you have your own HBO special
00:52:53And you've still got to prove to them
00:52:54That you're good
00:52:55Right
00:52:56I
00:52:57Was on the star search of its day
00:52:58The Ted Mack amateur hour
00:53:00Oh
00:53:01Yes
00:53:02Lovely
00:53:03Well
00:53:04I would put on mother's dress
00:53:06And
00:53:07Oh
00:53:08Mother
00:53:09Lovely
00:53:10Lovely person
00:53:11Wonderful human being
00:53:12Dare I say
00:53:13True
00:53:14Candidate
00:53:15For sainthood
00:53:16God bless us all
00:53:20We have a
00:53:21Homeless problem in LA
00:53:22But
00:53:23Thank you
00:53:24A lot of people say it's a homeless problem
00:53:25I don't like to call it a problem
00:53:27I
00:53:28Hi
00:53:29Oh hi
00:53:30I hear you're the chick who's doing the documentary on Rich
00:53:33Yeah
00:53:34Yeah
00:53:35That's me
00:53:36I'm the chick
00:53:37I
00:53:38I didn't mean
00:53:40Oh no
00:53:41Todd
00:53:42Hi how's it going
00:53:43I'm Todd Adams
00:53:44Nice to meet you
00:53:45Sacker Tomeno
00:53:46Great
00:53:47Oh cool
00:53:48Are you just starting out?
00:53:49No
00:53:50I'm a pro
00:53:51I've been doing this years
00:53:52Yeah
00:53:53I'm just taking a little time off
00:53:54You know
00:53:55I've gotten a little too much work lately
00:53:57And figured
00:53:58You know
00:53:59I'm surprised you haven't heard of me
00:54:00Yeah
00:54:01You know
00:54:02I do shows
00:54:03All the time
00:54:04No
00:54:05I'm no
00:54:06Comedy aficionado
00:54:07Well
00:54:08We can't all be
00:54:09Is that
00:54:10Is that
00:54:11So
00:54:12That's like
00:54:13Mighty Mouse
00:54:14Why Rich?
00:54:15No baby
00:54:16Well
00:54:17Why not Rich?
00:54:18Is there something wrong with him or something?
00:54:19Well
00:54:20No
00:54:21I mean
00:54:22You know
00:54:23You're not really big into originality
00:54:24He's one of the most original comics I've ever seen
00:54:26I mean
00:54:27You know
00:54:28I think his material is hilarious
00:54:29And I've been in the movie
00:54:30I'm not bagging on him
00:54:31Okay
00:54:32He's a buddy of mine
00:54:33I'm just saying
00:54:34You know
00:54:35Most of the jokes
00:54:36Most of the ones that are really working for him
00:54:38I kind of helped him with
00:54:39Yeah
00:54:40I'd say I
00:54:41I'd say I wrote about half the act
00:54:43Yeah
00:54:44The punchlines
00:54:45Really?
00:54:46Wow
00:54:47So
00:54:48So you're saying that
00:54:49That he stole material from you?
00:54:50Or
00:54:51No
00:54:52I'm not saying stole
00:54:53I'm just saying
00:54:54It's just that
00:54:55Borrowed
00:54:56You ever smoke so much pot
00:54:57You actually
00:54:58That
00:54:59That
00:55:00That joke right there
00:55:01Yeah
00:55:02He ran out
00:55:03Before I helped him out with it
00:55:04He ran it by me
00:55:05And I
00:55:06You know
00:55:07Threw him a line or two
00:55:08And he
00:55:09He slipped me some chump change for it
00:55:10Really?
00:55:11Yeah
00:55:12Wow
00:55:13You wrote that punchline
00:55:14Don't say anything to him
00:55:15Because a lot of times when a comic buys a joke
00:55:17You know
00:55:18They get testy about it
00:55:19They want everyone to think they wrote it
00:55:21So
00:55:22So
00:55:23Yeah
00:55:24Try not to
00:55:25Bring it out
00:55:26That's very very
00:55:27For riches sake
00:55:28I mean
00:55:29Wow
00:55:30I don't know what to say
00:55:31That's interesting
00:55:32I'd love to see you sometime
00:55:34Lucky you
00:55:35I'm coming by tomorrow night
00:55:36Oh really?
00:55:37Yeah I'm going to do a little set
00:55:39So you're going to be around?
00:55:40I sure will
00:55:41You're going to be here
00:55:42Get ready to get blown away
00:55:43Okay
00:55:44Alright
00:55:45Yeah
00:55:46Well it was nice meeting you
00:55:47It's meeting you Todd Adams
00:55:49It's like
00:55:50Hey
00:55:51Hey
00:55:52You suck
00:55:53Dick
00:55:57Uh excuse me
00:55:58Sorry I didn't
00:55:59I suck dick
00:56:01Well I'm sorry
00:56:02I don't know what your boyfriend told you here
00:56:03But I've never seen him before
00:56:05So uh
00:56:06Hey we're not gay dude
00:56:08And I said
00:56:09You suck
00:56:10Dick
00:56:12Cause dick is short for rich right?
00:56:14Wouldn't that mean
00:56:18Dick?
00:56:19Hey my father's name was Dick
00:56:22And they used to call me Little Dick
00:56:24My friends used to call
00:56:25My friends used to call up
00:56:26And my mom would say
00:56:27Oh do you want to speak to
00:56:28The Big Dick or Little Dick?
00:56:31And then the other thing
00:56:32I mean
00:56:33It's tough like
00:56:34When uh
00:56:35You know
00:56:36Meeting girls
00:56:37It's tough when your name is Dick
00:56:38But remember my last name is Burns
00:56:40You know
00:56:41What am I supposed to do?
00:56:42Welcome
00:56:43Dick Burns
00:56:45So you know
00:56:46About five years ago we started
00:56:47It's taken off
00:56:48Done pretty well
00:56:49Made a little money
00:56:50Had a lot of fun
00:56:51Right?
00:56:52Hey aren't you Dre Simms?
00:56:53Yes
00:56:54Host of Hip Hop Comedy Showcase right?
00:56:55Yes I am
00:56:56Oh damn dude
00:56:57I'm a huge fan of your show man
00:56:58Thank you very much man
00:56:59I saw your set
00:57:00It was alright
00:57:01Oh that's cool man
00:57:02I'm such a fan I swear
00:57:03I love your show man
00:57:04Sit down man
00:57:05Oh really?
00:57:06Oh cool man
00:57:07Cause I uh
00:57:08Oh shit sorry about that brother
00:57:09I didn't really get all over you there
00:57:10Todd Adams
00:57:11Todd Adams?
00:57:12Yeah
00:57:13Thank you
00:57:14Well he said that you were using his material
00:57:17Or you
00:57:18What?
00:57:19I was using
00:57:20He said that I was using his material?
00:57:23Well yeah I mean something like that
00:57:25Like you bought his jokes
00:57:26Or you bought his material
00:57:27I bought
00:57:28Yeah
00:57:29My material from Todd Adams
00:57:31He made a big point of saying it
00:57:33Yeah
00:57:34I was wondering
00:57:35Um
00:57:36What it takes
00:57:37To actually like get on the show
00:57:38I'd like to get on the show if I could
00:57:39Um
00:57:40You understand
00:57:41That it's a black show?
00:57:42Oh yeah
00:57:43Yeah yeah yeah
00:57:44And you realize
00:57:45You're white?
00:57:47Yeah what's the problem?
00:57:49Uh
00:57:50It's a black show
00:57:52Like the Apollo right?
00:57:53Black audiences
00:57:54Right by
00:57:55Coming to see
00:57:56Black comics
00:57:57Yeah but I work black rooms all the time
00:57:58They love me
00:57:59Black audiences love me
00:58:00I kick ass in the black rooms
00:58:01I gotta tell you man
00:58:02I've seen white people on before man
00:58:04They suck man
00:58:05They don't uh
00:58:06They don't do very well
00:58:07Yeah but dude
00:58:08I can do it
00:58:09You know why?
00:58:10Cause I'll tell you something
00:58:11Cause I know like no color lines
00:58:12Okay?
00:58:13I don't know no color lines
00:58:14And I don't even think
00:58:15To be honest with you
00:58:16That color has anything to do with pigmentation
00:58:18Okay
00:58:19So wait
00:58:20If color has nothing to do with pigmentation
00:58:22What is color?
00:58:24It's about what you have to say man
00:58:26It's like
00:58:27Who you are
00:58:28What's your point is
00:58:29What's your message to all the people
00:58:30That's what it's about
00:58:31Your message?
00:58:32Yeah
00:58:33So you've been talking to Jared right?
00:58:34Man I'm serious man
00:58:35I'm totally serious
00:58:36Cause no no
00:58:37Look dude I can do a good
00:58:38I can do a black
00:58:39Okay
00:58:40Black comedy
00:58:41From a white perspective
00:58:44Black comedy from a white perspective?
00:58:46Yeah man I speak of Bonics
00:58:47Okay wait
00:58:48Okay
00:58:49I'll tell you what
00:58:50I'm gonna give you my card man
00:58:51Alright
00:58:52We're having auditions all around the country
00:58:53You know
00:58:54And we'll be back here in about six months
00:58:55Alright
00:58:56And I'll get you an audition for next season
00:58:57Really? For reals?
00:58:58Yes for reals
00:58:59YBT now
00:59:00Come on
00:59:01Dude that's killer man
00:59:02That sounds so killer
00:59:03I'm gonna be in touch
00:59:04Don't
00:59:05Don't say killer
00:59:06No
00:59:07Alright
00:59:08Word
00:59:09Word
00:59:10Thanks man
00:59:11I'll call you
00:59:12Six months
00:59:13Six months
00:59:14Alright
00:59:15No sooner
00:59:16Cool
00:59:17That guy
00:59:18He opened for me
00:59:19At a one nighter in Montana
00:59:21He's been waiting
00:59:22He's been asking me
00:59:23To take him on the road with me
00:59:25This
00:59:27Shit he
00:59:28He lives here
00:59:29And he can't even get into this club
00:59:31Well actually he said he was gonna be here tomorrow night
00:59:33And I should totally check out the show
00:59:35He's doing a guest set
00:59:37Yeah
00:59:38No shit
00:59:40Oh man
00:59:41I am gonna give him so much shit
00:59:43No you know what
00:59:44Better yet
00:59:45I don't even have to
00:59:46He's gonna hang himself up there
00:59:48I mean
00:59:49What's that?
00:59:50Talking about Todd Adams
00:59:51Did you know him?
00:59:52That guy?
00:59:53Oh he was at the bar earlier?
00:59:54Not funny right?
00:59:55No he sucks
00:59:56Yeah I know that
00:59:57Yeah
00:59:58He's
00:59:59No he told Cheryl that
01:00:01I buy my material from him
01:00:03What?
01:00:04Yeah
01:00:05No way
01:00:06Only the best jokes he said
01:00:07What a fucking idiot
01:00:08I know man
01:00:09He's doing a guest set here tomorrow night
01:00:10Dude you're gonna beat his ass or what?
01:00:11I'd beat his ass
01:00:12Dude you gotta do
01:00:13No you know what
01:00:14Let me beat him
01:00:15Let me do it
01:00:16Cause I fucking
01:00:17I just
01:00:18Motherfucker
01:00:19Non funny motherfucker
01:00:20What?
01:00:21Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce
01:00:22I'm gonna let him do his set
01:00:23He's gonna
01:00:24He'll fucking beat his own ass
01:00:25Yeah
01:00:26Did I uh
01:00:27I saw you talking to uh
01:00:28Dre Simms over there
01:00:29What's that about?
01:00:30Um
01:00:31I don't know
01:00:32I was just talking to him about a
01:00:33He'll be getting auditioned for
01:00:34Hip Hop Comedy Showcase
01:00:38Why?
01:00:39I mean why
01:00:40Dude have you seen that show?
01:00:41Have you seen the people on that show dude?
01:00:42Yeah
01:00:43They all do the same act
01:00:45Yeah exactly
01:00:46And they get the
01:00:47Like TV shows with the ass
01:00:48I mean everybody that's been on that
01:00:49Is now working in like
01:00:50Sitcom
01:00:51Or movies or something dude
01:00:53I'm thinking that's my calling
01:00:55Yeah but Sean
01:00:57You forget one minor thing
01:01:00You're white
01:01:02They don't like white people on that show
01:01:04Yeah
01:01:05No dude that's not true
01:01:06They just don't
01:01:07Relate
01:01:08To what most white comics are talking about
01:01:10That's the problem
01:01:11Uh huh
01:01:12I'm gonna do a whole different set
01:01:14Okay?
01:01:15I'm gonna do black comedy
01:01:16Alright?
01:01:17From a white perspective
01:01:19Black comedy from a white perspective
01:01:21That's a high concept there
01:01:22Yeah
01:01:23Yeah
01:01:24And what are you gonna talk about
01:01:25Growing up in the hood?
01:01:26You're from Los Gatos California
01:01:28Vanilla Latte
01:01:29What are you
01:01:30What are you
01:01:31Could you possibly relate to?
01:01:32Dude you said it yourself
01:01:33Okay?
01:01:34They all do the same act right?
01:01:35All I gotta do
01:01:37Is watch some of the tapes
01:01:38Watch the show
01:01:39Then all I gotta do
01:01:40Is like take the
01:01:41All the niggas
01:01:42And change it to like
01:01:43Crackers or honkies
01:01:44I'm fucking sad
01:01:45Well good luck man
01:01:48You got a set of balls on you anyway
01:01:50I'll tell you that
01:01:51Maybe it'll work
01:01:52Damn straight
01:01:53Wow
01:01:54Well
01:01:55Dude
01:01:56I had to tell you
01:01:58That pot shit
01:01:59Uh huh
01:02:00Was so fucking great
01:02:01It was so fucking true man
01:02:04I can't believe you don't smoke pot no more man
01:02:10You're fucking lying
01:02:12You're a closet toker and it's 420 dude
01:02:17Really?
01:02:19Hey
01:02:20Hey
01:02:21I got some kind bud loaded in my bong right now in the parking lot
01:02:26That's fired up bro
01:02:28Oh thanks but uh
01:02:30I really did quit
01:02:32Pot smokers don't quit
01:02:34They graduate
01:02:35I'm just giving you shit bro
01:02:39You really
01:02:40You actually
01:02:41You drive around with
01:02:42With a bong?
01:02:43Actually
01:02:44It's a water pipe
01:02:46I work at one of those head shops
01:02:48And it's illegal for us to call it a bong
01:02:50That's why when you go in there
01:02:52They always say it's for tobacco
01:02:54Really?
01:02:55No shit
01:02:56No shit
01:02:57Yeah
01:02:58Cause like
01:02:59Pot's like fucking illegal
01:03:01You know
01:03:02Really?
01:03:03Uh huh
01:03:04Thanks man
01:03:05Thank you bro
01:03:06Alright
01:03:07Yeah
01:03:12Dude
01:03:14Is that thing on bro?
01:03:15Yeah
01:03:16Hey man
01:03:17Can you do like that squiggly thing to my face like on cops?
01:03:20Because my boss sees this I'm fucked
01:03:22And if my parole six months I have to keep a job
01:03:25Fuck I'm out of here
01:03:27Good luck bro you're going places
01:03:28Thanks man
01:03:29So do you guys always come out to see Rich?
01:03:31Oh yeah we come here all the time
01:03:33And this is the first time we've been here twice in one week though
01:03:35This Rich Burns guy is hysterical
01:03:37We love Dick
01:03:38Dick rocks
01:03:39We love Dick
01:03:40Dick rocks
01:03:41We love Dick
01:03:42Dick
01:03:43Dick rocks
01:03:44Dick
01:03:45Dick
01:03:47Dick
01:03:48Dick
01:03:49Dick
01:03:50We love Dick
01:03:51Dick
01:03:52The good news is Jared has decided to give you 5 minutes of his stage time
01:03:55Great
01:03:56You'll be wearing that
01:03:57Yeah
01:03:58Pretty cool huh
01:03:59So 5 minutes means you're off the stage by 8.20 not 8.21 not 8.19 8.20 understood?
01:04:08Got it got it 8.20 no problem you gonna watch my magic?
01:04:13I'll be watching
01:04:14Cool cause I'm gonna kick some ass pay attention
01:04:20Okay
01:04:21We'll see
01:04:22Okay
01:04:23We'll see
01:04:26I keep going for bail
01:04:27Isn't it good?
01:04:28Yeah absolutely
01:04:30So how's it going y'all?
01:04:31I'm Todd Adams
01:04:32You doing pretty good?
01:04:33Yeah
01:04:34Yeah good
01:04:35So I'm a comic
01:04:36So I'm a comic
01:04:37I'm from Sacramento's
01:04:39The Freshmaker
01:04:40The Freshmaker
01:04:42The Freshmaker
01:04:44Yeah
01:04:45Alright
01:04:46So I've been traveling around quite a bit
01:04:49You know
01:04:50Trying to watch a little TV
01:04:52A little bit of the Yan Can Cook
01:04:54What's the deal with that motherfucker anyway?
01:04:56Didn't my dad shoot him
01:04:57Dude he's got like 5 minutes
01:04:58When's he gonna get to his set?
01:04:59Come on
01:05:00Yan Can get me a soda
01:05:01This is his set
01:05:02You know what I'm talking about mister
01:05:03Right?
01:05:04Yeah
01:05:05He knows
01:05:06So I'm uh
01:05:07I'm taking a shit
01:05:08Right?
01:05:09And it's not one of the nice chunky ones
01:05:11One of the easy ones
01:05:12That uh
01:05:13You're gonna use less than half a roll
01:05:15I'm talking about a wet one
01:05:17You know where it's like
01:05:18Going down and splashing on my butt
01:05:20You know
01:05:21Sir
01:05:22Yeah you feel me on that
01:05:23My dad ladies and gentlemen
01:05:24I can't
01:05:25I told
01:05:26I specifically
01:05:27Told him
01:05:28Five minutes
01:05:29You heard him say five minutes
01:05:30Right?
01:05:31Five minutes
01:05:32And I've been giving him the light now
01:05:33For like two minutes
01:05:34That's seven minutes
01:05:35And uh
01:05:36You know what it is?
01:05:37He's inconsiderate
01:05:38He is oblivious to his actions
01:05:40And he's inconsiderate
01:05:41And I'm
01:05:42Hygiene products for men
01:05:43Don't you think?
01:05:44That is intolerable
01:05:45Something clever
01:05:46Like balls anew
01:05:47You ever
01:05:48You ever drink
01:05:49And uh
01:05:50You know
01:05:51You wake up the next day with injuries
01:05:52You know
01:05:53Like a broken hand
01:05:54From beating your kids
01:05:57Beat your kids
01:05:58Is what I'm getting at
01:05:59You know what I'm saying?
01:06:00Be a lot less trouble
01:06:01In the world
01:06:02If people just
01:06:03Keep the spanking going
01:06:04And I'm not just talking about
01:06:06Me and the neighbor
01:06:07Didn't see the other lights
01:06:08Yeah that's right
01:06:09You off
01:06:10You off
01:06:11Oh this
01:06:12Oh
01:06:13Oh
01:06:14Hey
01:06:15He's never gonna work
01:06:16In my club again
01:06:17How about it for dirty sake?
01:06:18Cause I specifically told him
01:06:19Five minutes
01:06:20What is it?
01:06:21Ten minutes
01:06:22I've told him already
01:06:23Oh
01:06:24He is
01:06:27Light him
01:06:28So uh
01:06:30This is Dirty Saki's impression
01:06:32Of Jack Nicholson
01:06:33Okay
01:06:34Everybody ready?
01:06:35Dirty Saki
01:06:36Doing Jack Nicholson
01:06:38You know who Jack Nicholson is sir?
01:06:40Yeah
01:06:41Okay
01:06:42Well here we go
01:06:43Here's Saki
01:06:45Sean
01:06:46Get him off my stage
01:06:49Get him off Jared's stage
01:06:52Don't wait
01:06:53Don't you have an MC for this or what?
01:06:54Here's Saki doing an impression of him
01:06:58I have him on a very important project
01:07:00He cannot be interrupted right now
01:07:02I don't care what you say
01:07:05Just get him off the friggin stage okay?
01:07:06Alright
01:07:07Alright
01:07:08Come on
01:07:09Go
01:07:10Alright
01:07:11So uh
01:07:12Yeah
01:07:13How about a hand for your wait staff
01:07:14Everybody
01:07:15Aren't your wait staff
01:07:16Working
01:07:17Now I'll tell you something
01:07:18One of these girls is gonna have a kid
01:07:20I've decided
01:07:22Plenty of time
01:07:24So uh
01:07:26I uh
01:07:27Travel around the country a lot
01:07:28Been over to uh Wyoming
01:07:30Boy those people are stupid
01:07:32I uh
01:07:34I was thinking about
01:07:35Hey Todd Adams ladies and gentlemen
01:07:36Give it up for Todd
01:07:37Now let's hear it for Todd
01:07:38Yeah how about it for me
01:07:39Yeah everybody
01:07:40Hey what do you think
01:07:41So uh
01:07:42Come on man
01:07:43So how about those Asian drivers
01:07:45Huh?
01:07:46Jesus Cristo
01:07:47I see another slanty in my rear view people
01:07:50You know what I'm talking about
01:07:51It's just
01:07:52You know they're always there
01:07:53They can't really
01:07:54Hey so folks
01:07:55Thanks a lot
01:07:56I'm Todd Adams
01:07:57Tip your way
01:07:58Whoa
01:07:59Whoa
01:08:00Hey
01:08:01Hey
01:08:02What the hell was that?
01:08:03What was what?
01:08:04What the fuck are you doing up there?
01:08:05I said five minutes
01:08:06What?
01:08:07Did I say five minutes?
01:08:08You said five minutes
01:08:09See?
01:08:10I said five minutes
01:08:11And you did ten minutes
01:08:12I had to have your ass dragged off the friggin stage
01:08:13What the fuck are you doing?
01:08:14Well I figured you know
01:08:15Since I was killing
01:08:16You were killing
01:08:17You were killing?
01:08:18You were killing?
01:08:19You were killing me
01:08:20What audience were you performing in front of?
01:08:22You were killing my business
01:08:23Look pal
01:08:24When I say five minutes
01:08:25I mean five minutes
01:08:27Five minutes
01:08:28Period
01:08:29You're never gonna work here
01:08:31Ever
01:08:32I never wanna see you in my club again
01:08:33Now get the fuck out of here
01:08:37Hey
01:08:38The door is that way
01:08:39I gotta get my stuff out of the green room
01:08:42Oh you gotta get your stuff
01:08:43Hey I tell you what
01:08:44I'll give you what?
01:08:45I'll give you five minutes
01:08:46Can you do five minutes?
01:08:48That'd be really good
01:08:49Come on
01:08:50I'll tell you what
01:08:51I'll give you a light at four
01:08:52See I still got the light
01:08:53See?
01:08:54Can you see it now?
01:08:55Is it close enough?
01:08:56What do you think I was trying to do?
01:08:57Land a fucking plane?
01:09:02Hey buddy
01:09:03That was a nice day
01:09:04Hey thanks man
01:09:05Sure
01:09:06Hey you know that joke about Yen Ken Cook
01:09:07Can I buy that outfit?
01:09:08Can I buy that outfit?
01:09:13Did you get paid?
01:09:14Yeah you?
01:09:15Yeah
01:09:16Yeah
01:09:17Yeah
01:09:18Um
01:09:19I was saying
01:09:20What time uh
01:09:21What time is the plane taking off tomorrow?
01:09:23Early
01:09:25Like uh
01:09:26Like eight o'clock I think
01:09:27I gotta check when I get back to the condo
01:09:29You gonna need a ride back to the airport or something?
01:09:31Cause I'm taking off early in the morning so
01:09:33If you need a ride you know
01:09:34Um
01:09:35No I think so
01:09:36But uh Jared said
01:09:37He'd give me a ride
01:09:38Oh really?
01:09:39Mmhmm
01:09:40Oh that's cool
01:09:41Um
01:09:42Yeah I think
01:09:43I don't know
01:09:44I'm thinking about uh
01:09:45What are you gonna do?
01:09:46Are you gonna hang out?
01:09:47Or are you going back to the condo right now?
01:09:48Or what's going on?
01:09:49I
01:09:50I think I'm gonna bail
01:09:51Oh really?
01:09:52I think yeah
01:09:53I think I'm gonna get packed and go to bed
01:09:55Oh that's cool
01:09:56Yeah
01:09:57I'm thinking about uh
01:09:59I don't know
01:10:00Hanging out for a little while
01:10:02Oh yeah?
01:10:03Blow my check
01:10:04You know something like that
01:10:05I don't know
01:10:06Have fun
01:10:07Yeah thanks man
01:10:08Hey um
01:10:09I was gonna ask you
01:10:10Did Jared give you a week back here already?
01:10:12It's only a call next week
01:10:13Oh really?
01:10:14Yeah he loves me now
01:10:15Oh really?
01:10:16That's cool
01:10:17He uh
01:10:18He says he's gonna put a call into his friend at the Mo Show
01:10:19Oh really?
01:10:20Does he actually know people at the Mo Show?
01:10:21Or what?
01:10:22I don't know
01:10:23That's what he says
01:10:24Really?
01:10:25Find out
01:10:26Well good luck with that man
01:10:27I hope that goes for you
01:10:28Thanks man
01:10:29Give me a call when you get back
01:10:30Oh I will
01:10:31Sure
01:10:32Thanks again
01:10:33Sure
01:10:34Sure
01:10:35Hey you two uh
01:10:36Drive home safely okay?
01:10:37Okay
01:10:38Bye
01:10:39Bye
01:10:40Hey we'll see you man
01:10:41Alright buddy
01:10:42So uh
01:10:43So uh
01:10:45So uh
01:10:46What do you think of me now you know?
01:10:48Oh
01:10:49Funny?
01:10:50Interesting?
01:10:51Stimulating?
01:10:52Yeah
01:10:54But you still don't have a chance
01:10:58I figured you know
01:10:59What the hell right?
01:11:00I mean
01:11:01Probably the last time I'm gonna see you right
01:11:02I might as well at least try
01:11:03I probably would've been strangely disappointed if you hadn't so
01:11:07Well in that case how about like you know
01:11:08How about like goodbye hug?
01:11:09Something like that?
01:11:10Oh god no no
01:11:11Your sister
01:11:12No
01:11:13She might be jealous
01:11:14The whole thing
01:11:15Oh really?
01:11:16Yeah
01:11:17I kinda knew she liked me
01:11:18What'd she say?
01:11:19So how are things since I last saw you?
01:11:21Good
01:11:22Good
01:11:23I uh
01:11:24I got a spot on the moon show
01:11:25You did?
01:11:26I did
01:11:27Oh my god congratulations
01:11:28Thank you
01:11:29So when is it happening?
01:11:30Um
01:11:31Two weeks from Thursday
01:11:32I'll be there
01:11:34Thanks you guys but wait there's more
01:11:35I got one for you
01:11:36What's this right here huh?
01:11:37Huh?
01:11:38Kate Moss clothes hanger right there
01:11:40That's right I found this floating out in the ocean out there
01:11:42You know what kind of wood that is right there sir?
01:11:43Right there?
01:11:44What kind of wood?
01:11:45It's a Natalie wood
01:11:46So speaking of Shawn
01:11:47Have you seen or heard from him since Sacramento?
01:11:50Uh yeah actually he called me yesterday
01:11:53He uh
01:11:54He's gonna be back up at Jared's next week for the comedy hip hop showcase audition
01:11:59Wow
01:12:00I'm gonna go
01:12:01You are?
01:12:02Yeah do you wanna go?
01:12:03Yeah
01:12:04Alright everybody
01:12:05I want y'all to kick on back
01:12:06And relax
01:12:07And enjoy this next young man
01:12:08Coming up to the stage right now
01:12:10From Los Gatos California
01:12:11Show your love
01:12:12For Sean Payne
01:12:14What's up?
01:12:15What's up?
01:12:16How you guys doing?
01:12:17What's going on?
01:12:18Hip hop comedy showcase
01:12:19I pull down my pants
01:12:20And bitch is like
01:12:21God damn
01:12:22Man that's the whitest brother I have ever seen
01:12:25You know what I mean?
01:12:26And they'll be like
01:12:27They're looking at me and they're like
01:12:28Damn man this guy
01:12:29Like more white meat than Thanksgiving
01:12:31Cracker can stay in the pussy for days man
01:12:33He stay in the pussy
01:12:34No cause we have to
01:12:35You know what I mean?
01:12:36Cause we ain't got that big shit that y'all got
01:12:38You know what I mean?
01:12:39So we gotta stay in there
01:12:40We gotta stay there for like 3-4 days
01:12:41You know we invented oral sex too right?
01:12:43You know that
01:12:44You know the brothers don't be doing that shit
01:12:46We invented that shit
01:12:47I make a picnic out of it
01:12:48You know I take a bib and shit
01:12:49I'm all up in that motherfucker
01:12:50You know what I'm talking about?
01:12:51I just get down
01:12:52I just get dirty
01:12:53You know what I'm talking about?
01:12:54But there really is a difference
01:12:55Hey I cannot believe he's actually doing this
01:12:56You know what I mean?
01:12:57You can see it in like the cars we drive
01:13:00Yeah
01:13:01Cause like a white guy man
01:13:02Cracker drive like a little ol' economy car
01:13:05Right?
01:13:06It's small you know
01:13:07It gets good gas mileage
01:13:09Goes long on one tank
01:13:10You know what I'm talking about?
01:13:11But a brother drive a big ass motherfucking caddy
01:13:13You know what I'm talking about?
01:13:14I mean it's like
01:13:15Just big
01:13:16I mean this ain't made for the daily commute
01:13:18Right?
01:13:19It's big and flashy
01:13:20It's like yo check this shit out
01:13:21Right?
01:13:22I mean they just be
01:13:23It's like the fucking joy ride
01:13:24It's the pleasure shit right?
01:13:25They just rolling
01:13:26Cause I mean think about it man
01:13:27I mean
01:13:28Nigga don't give a fuck about no ozone
01:13:29Right?
01:13:30I mean
01:13:31Nigga be blasting holes up in that motherfucker
01:13:33Yo man what you say?
01:13:35Oh shit
01:13:37A few days later it was Richard's turn on national television
01:13:40Anyway thank you for your time
01:13:42And I've been Rich Burns
01:13:43Rich Burns
01:13:44Have a good morning
01:13:45All right
01:13:46Rich Burns
01:13:47Very funny stuff ladies and gentlemen
01:13:49Come on over man
01:13:50Very funny stuff
01:13:52All right
01:13:55Good job
01:13:56Very funny
01:13:57Thank you
01:13:58Thanks Mel
01:13:59You know believe it or not
01:14:00I saw a couple years ago
01:14:01At a club in Hollywood
01:14:03I don't remember the name of the club though
01:14:05Oh really?
01:14:06Hmm
01:14:07Well I guess I must have left a pretty good impression on you then
01:14:11Actually you did
01:14:13Thanks
01:14:14Thanks Mel
01:14:15Yeah I've been working hard
01:14:16Well how long have you been doing comedy?
01:14:18Uh
01:14:19Just like three minutes
01:14:22That's okay
01:14:23No I mean
01:14:24In your entire career
01:14:25Oh
01:14:26Oh
01:14:27Um
01:14:28Like ten years or so
01:14:29Ten years
01:14:30Yeah
01:14:31Wow
01:14:32Well you know what they say
01:14:33There's no such thing as an overnight success
01:14:35So you still enjoy doing the road
01:14:38The traveling
01:14:39The people or
01:14:40Have you gotten sick of it by now?
01:14:42Oh no
01:14:43No I love it
01:14:44I love it
01:14:45I do
01:14:46I mean sure it can be tedious
01:14:47On the road at times
01:14:48But uh
01:14:49You know
01:14:50I've got the greatest job in the world
01:14:51I uh
01:14:52I get to travel around
01:14:53And make people happy
01:14:54You know
01:14:55I mean
01:14:56What more can I ask for?
01:14:58Well you do a fine job at it
01:15:00And please
01:15:01Keep it up
01:15:02Thanks Mel
01:15:03Ladies and gentlemen
01:15:04Rich Byrne
01:15:07So there you have it
01:15:08The life of the stand up comic
01:15:10Some may end up on the road for life
01:15:12For some that road leads to mega stardom
01:15:15Others may eventually turn off the road
01:15:16And some may never find the road at all
01:15:18But
01:15:19For those who truly love what they do
01:15:21There is no better life
01:15:23I'm Cheryl Larson
01:15:24And
01:15:25As they say in the clubs
01:15:26Thank you for supporting live comedy
01:15:28Good night
01:15:29Good night
01:15:30...
01:15:31I love to make me miss
01:16:04You burn me up, you burn me up, girl I follow the flame, you burn me up, you're a love I cannot take, oh and I'll never get enough, like fire you burn me up.
01:16:34All my kids keep telling me, leave that town alone, find yourself another who will build a happy home.
01:16:43Oh, happy guys, tell them, get away with that lily batch, you're a firecracker, I know I'm missing a batch, oh and I'll never get enough, like fire you burn me up, you burn me up.
01:17:00Girl, I'm on the flame, fire me up, you're a love I cannot take, oh and I'll never get enough, like fire you burn me up.
01:17:12Ray, I think we need to get back to Richie, this is about Richie, I think he's brilliant, I think he has a wonderful stage presence, and I also think he has a warmth and a charisma that's just unstoppable.
01:17:31God, what would you know about charisma, you know, he's not even a handsome man-child, he's got the teeth of Thai power, and, well, what do you know, you have no taste.
01:17:47Obviously, look at what I crawl into next to every night.
01:17:51Oh, please, I was the one who took you in, I, I had a thing for a wounded animal.
01:18:01You, this is coming from a man, there's nothing about show business, nothing, you know nothing about show business.
01:18:08But La Caja Full was a documentary, you, you, you, you goddamn festering old snatch.
01:18:15Well, god damn, well, to you, stop your camera, I, I'm, I'm finished, I, this is, and it, over.