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00:00:28Since we're an international media company, you're gonna have to meet with the higher ups and go over some stuff?
00:00:34Is that alright?
00:00:35Sure.
00:00:36Great.
00:00:37Why don't you just show them down the hall?
00:00:38Yeah!
00:00:39No problem. Trevor, follow me!
00:00:41Okay!
00:00:48Wow.
00:00:50Whoa!
00:00:51This is a cool office.
00:00:53Whoa, this is a cool office.
00:00:56I like the little fire things over there and everything.
00:01:00Hi, we're the Illuminati.
00:01:04Hi.
00:01:06Hello.
00:01:06Hi.
00:01:07So we heard about your big special.
00:01:08We are very excited.
00:01:10Yeah, thanks.
00:01:11Me too.
00:01:12Yeah, but before you can do a special on a major cable network, we're going to need you to sign some things.
00:01:16Okay, sounds good.
00:01:18We're also going to need you to swear a blood oath to us and our cause.
00:01:22And if you violate this oath, we're going to murder you and everyone that you love.
00:01:25Got it.
00:01:26Great.
00:01:26You'll also need to pledge your soul to Baphomet.
00:01:30He's this god that we all worship.
00:01:33Okay.
00:01:34He looks pretty cool.
00:01:35He's like a crazy goat man kind of thing.
00:01:38Now, we will need you to include some of our messaging in your program.
00:01:42Oh, okay.
00:01:43So you mean like there's going to be a commercial sponsor or something?
00:01:46No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:01:48Nothing tacky like that.
00:01:49No, we just want you to have some, you know, self-destructive themes.
00:01:54You know, like we use a lot of hip-hop artists to glorify violence and drugs, pop stars to push materialism,
00:02:02country acts to instill suspicion of education.
00:02:05Oh, okay.
00:02:06That sounds cool.
00:02:06We'll also need to film you in a lewd act with a minor to use as blackmail if you ever think of telling anyone about anything that happened here today.
00:02:17Now, could I self-tape that or is that something that you'd want me to shoot here?
00:02:21We'd like you to do that here.
00:02:22Well, finally, we're going to need a suicide note in your own handwriting, just in case things get crazy.
00:02:30I actually might have an old one on me.
00:02:32I'm sort of a pack rat.
00:02:34I think we're good, Trevor.
00:02:36Do you have any questions for us?
00:02:37Um, yeah.
00:02:39Who killed Kennedy?
00:02:41A French sniper, but it was set up by Lyndon Johnson.
00:02:45You're right.
00:02:45Sorry, that was a stupid question.
00:02:47Yeah.
00:02:47Uh, are aliens real?
00:02:49Aliens are real.
00:02:50What are they like?
00:02:52Yeah, uh, some are very cool.
00:02:54Some are kind of shitty.
00:02:55Uh, we're pretty tight with the shitty ones.
00:02:57Is there anything else?
00:02:58Anything at all?
00:02:59Uh, yeah.
00:03:00I forgot my federal ID number.
00:03:03Is it okay if I just leave that blank?
00:03:06Yeah, we can fill that in.
00:03:08Great.
00:03:08I think that's it for me.
00:03:10Trevor, we're all looking forward to working with you.
00:03:13Yeah, me too.
00:03:14And remember, just have fun with this thing.
00:03:17But don't ever cross this, because if you do,
00:03:19well, we've implanted a small explosive device in your heart.
00:03:21Hmm.
00:03:26Ladies and gentlemen, get up!
00:03:28We're Trevor!
00:03:28Oh!
00:03:35Oh, my God!
00:03:38Thank you!
00:03:39Thanks, everybody!
00:03:41New York City!
00:03:44Wow!
00:03:45Wow!
00:03:45Uh, thank you guys so much.
00:03:50Um, this is really cool.
00:03:52I've never done a comedy special before.
00:03:55It's always kind of been a dream of mine.
00:03:56So, thank you, everybody, for coming out.
00:03:58Uh, this is going to be a lot of fun.
00:04:00Um, thank you.
00:04:02Thanks.
00:04:03Uh...
00:04:04My name is Trevor Moore.
00:04:08Uh, I used to do a show called The Whitest Kids You Know.
00:04:11And, uh...
00:04:12Uh, we stopped making those because of Timmy.
00:04:17And, and, uh, lately I've just been touring around the country and playing music.
00:04:23And that's what I'm going to do here tonight.
00:04:24I'm going to play a bunch of songs that I've written for you guys.
00:04:27And, uh, show a whole bunch of new videos, too.
00:04:29So, does that sound fun?
00:04:31All right.
00:04:33Okay.
00:04:34Uh, this, uh, this first song is a song I wrote about circumcision.
00:04:39And it's called, God Hates the Tips of Little Baby's Dicks.
00:04:46God hates the tips of little baby's dicks.
00:04:52God hates the tips of little baby's dicks.
00:04:56So, if your kid's a man, even though he'll scream and yell,
00:05:02you gotta cut it off for the little soul of burning hell.
00:05:09Well, way back in the beginning, God was making men and women.
00:05:17And the fish of the sea and the birds of song.
00:05:21Birds of song.
00:05:22He announced he'd made perfection.
00:05:25But on closer inspection, he noticed that he'd left one piece a bit too long.
00:05:32God hates the tips of little baby's dicks.
00:05:40God hates the tips of little baby's dicks.
00:05:45So, if your kid's a man, even though he'll scream and yell,
00:05:50you gotta cut it off for his little soul will burn in hell.
00:05:55But God gathered people's leaders, said, start sniffing baby's wieners.
00:06:02This will be a sign of our loving covenant.
00:06:06Covenant.
00:06:07A few then went and raised objections, saying they didn't see the connection.
00:06:13But he said, I'm God, so none of this needs to make sense.
00:06:17He told them, go and cut them with the scaffold.
00:06:23Go and cut them with the scissors.
00:06:25Or go and perform a matitsa, the path.
00:06:29Matitsa.
00:06:30That's when the rabbi sucks the blood out the baby's penis with his mouth.
00:06:35I swear to God, that's a real thing.
00:06:38Go and Google it.
00:06:40Go and Google it.
00:06:41Well, today across the land, people still keep his commands.
00:06:47Children learn their first lesson right after birth.
00:06:51Right after birth.
00:06:53The ones who are supposed to protect them, hold them down and painfully correct them.
00:06:58Then they smile and say, welcome to life on earth.
00:07:02Welcome to life on earth.
00:07:05God hates the tips of little baby's dicks.
00:07:09So take a little off the top, because that's what God instructs.
00:07:21Unless it's not, and some ancient purge just made it up.
00:07:26Unless it's not, and some ancient purge just made it up.
00:07:31Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:07:39Darren Trubeter from Whiteest Kids.
00:07:45He was playing the doctor throwing out baby dicks.
00:07:50And we didn't have the budget for real baby dicks.
00:07:54So those are hot dogs.
00:07:56So you can eat those if you want.
00:07:58But that Matisse-Bappé thing is 100% really true.
00:08:03That's a real thing that happens today,
00:08:06like in the 21st century.
00:08:08Like literally today, somewhere in the world,
00:08:11a guy got up, he went to work,
00:08:14he put a baby's dick in his mouth,
00:08:17and then the parents of that baby paid him.
00:08:21So religion is weird.
00:08:24So I grew up in a very religious background.
00:08:29I had a very, I grew up in a very religious house.
00:08:31I mean, not baby me's dick in another guy's mouth religious,
00:08:34but still religious enough.
00:08:37And I was never really good at being a religious kid.
00:08:41I would try, I really wanted to,
00:08:43but it just, it never really kind of would take with me.
00:08:47And this is kind of an autobiographical song about that.
00:08:51Oh, dude, oh, dude, you got to hit that shit.
00:08:56Oh, yeah.
00:08:58Here we go.
00:08:59What?
00:09:00Are you kidding?
00:09:02You way too big for that whittle, whittle ass hit, dawg.
00:09:06Come on, pass it, man.
00:09:08I know, look, I just, the thing about me
00:09:10is I like to get high incrementally,
00:09:12because I had a bad experience once.
00:09:14So I like to take little hits and see where that leaves me.
00:09:16That way I know how much more I can smoke
00:09:18before I get scared and stuff.
00:09:20What?
00:09:21You just keep trying to be a little bitch and hit that shit.
00:09:34Hit that shit, hit that shit, hit that shit.
00:09:39Guys, guys, guys.
00:09:40Guys, I got it, my God.
00:09:42I mean...
00:09:44The barb for Babylon, Babylon shall fall.
00:09:58Trevor, put your shoes on! We have to get to Midnight Mass!
00:10:14I'm high in church. I'm high in church.
00:10:17Oh God, please help me. This is the worst.
00:10:20Went home for Christmas and Brian came over.
00:10:22I was nervous, cause he brought a bag of shrooms and potting.
00:10:24I'm new to this, I'm just learning.
00:10:26Got a little too high on accident. Yeah, that's right, not on purpose.
00:10:29Then I'm busted in my room and said we had to go to Midnight Service.
00:10:32Now we're in the minivan, and my friends don't understand.
00:10:35I'm freaking out here, man, trying to remember who I am.
00:10:38My mom is talking to me, and that's just making it worse.
00:10:41We walk into the lobby, oh shit, I'm high in church.
00:10:44I'm high in church. I'm high in church.
00:10:47Oh God, please help me. This is the worst.
00:10:50I'm high in church. I'm high in church.
00:10:53I'm high as hell. This is the worst.
00:10:56Go, grab a pew. Keep freaking out, don't know what to do.
00:10:58There's an old war vet snoring next to me, and I think he's been here since World War II.
00:11:01I'm peaking here, I'm wigging out. They know I'm stoned, there is no doubt.
00:11:04Brian is reading a Bible and laughing, I pleaded for him to cut it out.
00:11:07But he's giggling loud, he starts to cry, he's turning red, I don't know why.
00:11:10He's like a goddamn neon billboard saying, hey y'all, we're super high.
00:11:13I ask him what his problem is, and what's making him laugh.
00:11:16He points to a verse that says the Lord opened up the mouth of an asshole.
00:11:19Oh my God, that's super gross. Why the hell is that in there?
00:11:22My mom shushes both of us, and people turn around and stare.
00:11:25I take the book from Brian, the choir begins to sing.
00:11:28It dawns on me that I've never actually read this thing.
00:11:31I open up the pages, and then start flipping through.
00:11:34I find it calms me down and gives my mind something to do.
00:11:37It says some beautiful things about forgiveness and love.
00:11:40Till I get to the end when God comes back, wilds out and straight up fucks her thub.
00:11:43Holy shit, did you know this? Read this last part, what the fuck?
00:11:46Spoiler alert, God comes back with dragons and murders everyone.
00:11:49What happened to the lovey-dovey stuff from the other verse?
00:11:52Oh shit, man, I can't handle this right now. I'm high in church.
00:11:55I'm high in church. I'm high in church. I'm high in church.
00:11:59Oh God, please help me. This is the worst.
00:12:02I'm high in church. I'm high in church. I'm high as hell. This is the worst.
00:12:07Need to get where no one can see, so excuse myself to take a pee.
00:12:10But in the bathroom, my old youth pastor comes up and stands next to me.
00:12:13Oh great, he's probably gonna start yapping about how my soul is eternal.
00:12:16But instead he just asks why my pants are down at the urinal.
00:12:19Oops, I'm sorry about that. Nice to see you. Gotta go.
00:12:22Oh my God, I'm high as balls and there's no way he doesn't know.
00:12:25Shit, this is getting out of hand. I'm getting higher, need to make a plan.
00:12:28Baby, tell mom I'm sick and try to get the keys to sleep this off in the van.
00:12:31I scoot back to my seat and notice everyone has stopped singing.
00:12:34The pastor asks if there is anyone here who is visiting.
00:12:37Mom gets excited, raises her hand. I tell her no, but she makes me stand.
00:12:40The pastor asks if I'm just here for Christmas and I say I am.
00:12:43The congregation turns around, the pastor asks me how I've been.
00:12:46And that's about when the goddamn shrooms decide it was time to get the fuck on in.
00:12:49I'm sure you've really done it now.
00:12:52Holy shit, what's going on? What is that voice? I'm freaking out.
00:12:55This is Satan and you've summoned me to sell your doom.
00:12:58Whoa, hold up, wait a minute. I don't even think I believe in you.
00:13:01I exist within subconsciousness down in your mind.
00:13:04But you did drugs and went to church, so now your soul is mine.
00:13:07For all eternity you will never escape my clutch.
00:13:10Okay, uh, first of all, I think that seems like a little much.
00:13:13A joint and a couple caps and stems, is that all that a soul is worth?
00:13:16And God made everything I've done tonight, all of it's from the earth.
00:13:19The mushrooms and the bud, yo, he made it all.
00:13:23The nitrous and the Adderall.
00:13:26Muscle relaxers, maybe a little coke, but that ends me for eternity.
00:13:30But if you ask me, the symptoms broke.
00:13:32Then Satan disappeared and shrieked a shrinking sound.
00:13:35I sent him back to hell because I fucking stood my ground.
00:13:38The church stares at me, their eyes are open wide.
00:13:41And the pastor asks if I'd stop shouting and please go outside.
00:13:44Oh, sure. Sorry. It's just that.
00:13:48I'm high in church. I'm high in church.
00:13:51Whatever, man. I guess it could be worse.
00:13:54I'm high in church. That's what I am.
00:13:57Sorry, Mom, I guess I'll be outside in the van.
00:14:00Whatever, man. I'm gonna be out listening to the radio.
00:14:05Wake me up when you guys are done.
00:14:10Thank you.
00:14:23I grew up in the South, and when I was growing up,
00:14:27there was a lot of country music around.
00:14:30Do you guys like country music?
00:14:33We're taping something here. Can you pretend you're like?
00:14:39You guys like country music?
00:14:42All right. Oh. Oh. Wonderful.
00:14:52This is a country song that I wrote.
00:14:54I grew up in an American town.
00:14:57No locks on the doors when we all bedded down to sleep.
00:15:05I met a pretty young girl and made her my bride.
00:15:11After church on Sundays, take the kids for a ride down the street.
00:15:18No locks on the road.
00:15:20Well, there's nothing.
00:15:21No mend spot.
00:15:25No nap, no nap, no nap.
00:15:30No nap.
00:15:31No nap, no nap, no nap.
00:15:33Untertitelung des ZDF, 2020
00:16:03ZDF, 2020
00:16:33ZDF, 2020
00:16:35ZDF, 2020
00:16:36ZDF, 2020
00:16:38Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:17:08Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:17:38Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:18:08Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:18:38Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:19:08Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:19:10Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:19:12That was a damn good segue, wasn't it?
00:19:18Well, if you like history, this song is for you.
00:19:21In a universe that's infinite, like many theorize ours is
00:19:31There are parallel worlds where every possibility lives
00:19:41Their history the same as ours is written
00:19:45The only difference is that
00:19:49Everyone's a kitten
00:19:51Kitty history, just like ours
00:19:57Kitty dinosaurs, the kitties driving cars
00:20:00Kitty is somewhere in quantum space
00:20:03Mathematically, this had to take place
00:20:06Kitty world wars and kitty masquerades
00:20:10It's colonialism and kitty slaves
00:20:12It's kitty mystery somewhere out in the stars
00:20:16Just like us
00:20:18Just like us, kitty Columbus sailed until he saw land
00:20:22But then quickly got off so he could poop in the sand
00:20:25They formed the first kitty cities and kitty towns
00:20:28Then they wake up at night just to run around
00:20:31They had their own little kitty civil war
00:20:34Looked on some string and forgot what they were fighting for
00:20:37It's kitty history and it's just like us
00:20:41Little kitty JFK
00:20:46My kitty Lyndon Johnson and the CIA
00:20:49Then Lyndon doubled down on kitty Vietnam
00:20:52And they bought more helicopters and kitty bombs
00:20:56From a company where his wife was the main stockholder
00:20:59And they made a kitty fortune for the war was over
00:21:03Kitty history, cause he's mad at like ours
00:21:06A little kitty at the CIA
00:21:11Who helped kill Kennedy in Dallas that day
00:21:14Did so darn well that his career got a push
00:21:18A kitty named George H.W. Bush
00:21:21He's made CIA director and vice president's next
00:21:24All while getting kitty Saudi Arabian checks
00:21:27It's kitty history, kitty's taking charge
00:21:31Kitty Bush waits his turn to ascend to his throne
00:21:36Gets his cronies in power, kitty USA overthrown
00:21:39The kitty Saudis know how he can repay his debt
00:21:42So he starts a war with Iraq, their number one threat
00:21:45But Kitty Saddam is not ejected
00:21:49And the very next year Kitty George isn't re-elected
00:21:52Kitty history, kitties need a new start
00:21:56Kitty Bush gets his son's job as governors
00:22:01Then we steal the election for the other
00:22:04New kitty Bush has gotta finish the Saudis' mission
00:22:07So he has a report made by a commission
00:22:10This is the start of new war, as far as we can attest
00:22:13You'd need a new kitty pro-harbor and we all know the rest
00:22:17Kitty history, exactly like ours
00:22:21Kitty history, how do the space-time loops
00:22:26Kitty leaders, hey kitty banking groups
00:22:29Kitty history, surveillance dates
00:22:32Kitty terrorism, kitty go to the pay
00:22:35Kitty history, come on and sing
00:22:38Six kitty companies run everything
00:22:41It's kitty history, somewhere out in the stars
00:22:46Uh, thanks
00:22:57Uh, I like that one
00:23:01Something about that video actually
00:23:05Uh, uh, we were gonna shoot it
00:23:06And you had to have a ton of kittens to make that video
00:23:09And I was like, I don't know how to do this
00:23:11And so, uh, a friend of mine was gonna shoot the thing
00:23:14And so, I was there at the beginning
00:23:16And the cats weren't behaving
00:23:18They were like arching their backs and just hissing
00:23:19And they wouldn't stay in front of the camera
00:23:21And they were running away
00:23:22And I was like, well, we're not gonna get this
00:23:23This isn't gonna work
00:23:24Um, so then I left, I had to go do something else
00:23:26And then he started sending me, like, video
00:23:29Later in the day of the cats behaving
00:23:31And like, sitting in front of the backdrop
00:23:33And I was like, that's amazing
00:23:34Like, he figured out some sort of cat whisperer trick
00:23:37I was like, what did you do?
00:23:38How did you get him to work?
00:23:39And he was like, it was easy
00:23:41We made him work for 13 hours
00:23:42And we broke their spirits
00:23:44He was like, it was awesome
00:23:47They were so sad by the end
00:23:48So
00:23:50And if someone from, like, the ASPCA is watching
00:23:54That's a joke
00:23:55That was
00:23:56That didn't happen
00:23:57Uh, uh
00:23:58Uh, I've been doing comedy
00:24:00For, like, a good portion of my life now
00:24:02And, uh, one thing that I've always noticed
00:24:05Is that people always will pitch me
00:24:07Like, sketches or songs, uh, to do
00:24:10Which is fine
00:24:11But some people, uh, do it, like, all the time
00:24:13Uh, for me, the person who does it the most in my life
00:24:16Is my mom's friend named Connie
00:24:18And, um, for 10 years
00:24:20She's always been telling me little stories about her life
00:24:22And she's like, oh, you should put this in a sketch
00:24:24Or, oh, you should make the song out of this
00:24:25So I figured, since I have this Comedy Central special right now
00:24:28Uh, I'm gonna make Connie's dreams come true
00:24:31And I'm gonna do a song about Connie
00:24:34So, uh, Connie, this is for you
00:24:37Connie Watson
00:24:46Is my mom's best friend
00:24:49She's 62 and loves land's end
00:24:54Her hair is short
00:24:56And always looks wet
00:24:59She works reception for the local vet
00:25:04And every time I'm home
00:25:07She tells me stories all day long
00:25:10She says her life is crazy
00:25:13And I should put her in a song
00:25:16Connie, Connie, Connie Watson
00:25:19Here you go
00:25:20This is a song for you
00:25:24For your crazy tales
00:25:29And anecdotes
00:25:31She swears all this is true
00:25:34One time Connie
00:25:37Went to TGI Fridays
00:25:39With a bunch of ladies
00:25:42From church
00:25:44They thought the waiter was cute
00:25:48Because he looked like a young Matt Lauer
00:25:50And when he came over
00:25:52His name tag said Matt
00:25:54Connie, Connie, Connie Watson
00:26:00Frumpy lady
00:26:03A mystery and such
00:26:05The craziest things just seem to happen to her
00:26:11You can't make this stuff up
00:26:15A guy at Kroger
00:26:17Once thought that Connie was his wife
00:26:21But when she turned around
00:26:22He was wrong
00:26:25But I can't do it justice
00:26:27I must not be telling the story right
00:26:31Because what Connie does
00:26:32It's 45 minutes long
00:26:35Connie, Connie, Connie Watson
00:26:40Is it everything that you thought that it would be
00:26:52Everybody sing along
00:26:55Connie, I think you might have a nonverbal learning disorder
00:27:02Because you clearly have trouble interpreting people's social cues
00:27:08Connie, if someone hasn't responded for 20 minutes
00:27:10Connie, if someone hasn't responded for 20 minutes
00:27:13Connie, if someone hasn't responded for 20 minutes
00:27:13And they won't look up from their phones
00:27:16That means they don't want to talk to you
00:27:18Everybody now
00:27:20Connie, I think you might have a nonverbal learning disorder
00:27:24Because you clearly have trouble interpreting people's social cues
00:27:30Connie, if someone hasn't responded for 20 minutes
00:27:36And they won't look up from their phones
00:27:39That means they don't want to talk to you
00:27:42Connie, where you at tonight?
00:27:45Are you at Panera Bread?
00:27:49Connie, where you at tonight?
00:27:51Are you at Panera Bread?
00:27:53She's got a sweatshirt of cats unrolling
00:27:56A roll of toilet paper in the bathroom
00:28:00And it says that the good times roll
00:28:16She's got a sweatshirt of cats unrolling
00:28:19A roll of toilet paper in the bathroom
00:28:23And it says, let the good times roll
00:28:28Benjamin Franklin went out into the storm
00:28:51And bravely let his kite go up in the air
00:28:54He risked his life on an idea that night
00:28:59And thanks to him we now have light everywhere
00:29:02Louis Pasteur never gave up on his cures
00:29:07And thanks to him now we all have a vaccine
00:29:09And Orville and Wilbur told them till they delivered
00:29:14What until then had just been in our dreams
00:29:18Goddamn white people are geniuses
00:29:29Goddamn it really blows me away
00:29:32I know it's not cool to talk about it
00:29:38But it's something that I just gotta say
00:29:40Uh, Trevor
00:29:41Can you imagine a world
00:29:44Trevor
00:29:44Where white people just did not exist
00:29:48That would be such a terrible thing
00:29:52Hey, Trevor
00:29:53Yes?
00:29:54What?
00:29:55What?
00:29:56Is that the song?
00:29:57Yeah
00:29:57Why?
00:30:00Well
00:30:00It's racist
00:30:01What?
00:30:03No it's not
00:30:03Yes it is
00:30:04It's a racist song
00:30:05What do you mean?
00:30:05I'm just copying things down exactly from this history book
00:30:08Okay, you're just saying that only white people are geniuses
00:30:10No I'm not
00:30:11There's geniuses from other races
00:30:12The way you're singing it
00:30:13It's implying that there are more people who are geniuses that are white
00:30:16Than of any other kind of race
00:30:17Uh, well that's not what the song's about
00:30:19Well that's what it sounds like
00:30:20Really?
00:30:21Yes, really
00:30:22You can't just single out an entire race
00:30:24And say they're the ones who are geniuses
00:30:25You have to incorporate all the races
00:30:27You gotta talk about black geniuses
00:30:28Mexican geniuses
00:30:29Asian geniuses
00:30:31Hmm
00:30:31Okay
00:30:32I kind of see what you're saying
00:30:34Yeah
00:30:35Sorry about that
00:30:36Okay, just, just
00:30:36Give me a minute, I can fix it
00:30:38Okay, I got it
00:30:41I got it
00:30:41Remember, okay, just
00:30:42All kinds of geniuses
00:30:44Not just white
00:30:45Okay, thank you
00:30:46Lots of other races have geniuses too
00:31:03Don't let anybody tell you other
00:31:06George Washington Carver
00:31:09George Washington Carver was a black guy
00:31:11Who figured out how to make peanut butter
00:31:14That's all you got?
00:31:39That's all that's in the history book
00:31:41It's one page, George Washington Carver
00:31:43Where did you get that book?
00:31:44It's mine from school
00:31:45Where did you go to school?
00:31:47Virginia
00:31:47In the 1980s
00:31:48Why?
00:31:50You know what?
00:31:51I'm gonna call Doug in here
00:31:52What?
00:31:52Oh, no, no, no, no, don't, don't, don't call Doug
00:31:54No, no, no, no, no
00:31:55I'm gonna bring him in
00:31:55Maybe he can tell you about some of the famous geniuses of black history
00:31:58Seriously, seriously, seriously
00:31:58Hey, Doug
00:31:59Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop
00:32:00You busy, can you get in here?
00:32:01Stop, stop, stop, stop
00:32:01Hey, what's up, man?
00:32:04Hey
00:32:04This is Trevor
00:32:06Hey
00:32:06He's currently recording a song called White People Are Geniuses
00:32:10Amongst many other races of geniuses
00:32:15That's what the full title is gonna be
00:32:17He thinks the only thing black people have invented is peanut butter
00:32:21No, no, I don't, no, I don't
00:32:22No, I, I know that black people have invented tons of things
00:32:26Like what?
00:32:27Like rap
00:32:28Rap?
00:32:30Like a hugely popular music that's integral to our culture
00:32:35What else?
00:32:37Uh, basketball?
00:32:38Sorry, I didn't say that
00:32:40I didn't mean that
00:32:40Okay, so according to you
00:32:41The only things that black people have invented have been rap, basketball, and peanut butter
00:32:46I know that black people have had a huge part in shaping this entire country
00:32:52Uh, there were black people that signed the Declaration of Independence
00:32:55No
00:32:56Holy shit
00:32:57That did not happen
00:32:58There were no black people
00:33:00They were a little busy
00:33:01They were a little tied up at the moment
00:33:02I'm sorry
00:33:03I'm not very well versed in other cultures' history
00:33:08So, can you help me?
00:33:12All right
00:33:12Well, black people invented air conditioning, cell phones, the stethoscope, typewriters,
00:33:19the first mechanical heart, doorknobs, elevators, fire extinguishers, the guitar, stoplights,
00:33:26potato chips, gas masks, the super soaker, and the cabbage patch
00:33:31Black people invented the cabbage patches?
00:33:34No, this, the cabbage patch
00:33:35That's dope
00:33:36But y'all wouldn't know that
00:33:38Y'all wouldn't even think about it
00:33:40Because you're so wrapped up in your racist world view
00:33:43Wow
00:33:45I didn't know all that
00:33:46So, thanks
00:33:48Don't mention it
00:33:49I'm charging overtime for this
00:33:52Anything you need, anything
00:33:53Thank you so much, Doug
00:33:55Thank you, Doug
00:33:56Thank you
00:33:56Take the rest of the day
00:33:58Are we good?
00:34:02Yeah
00:34:02But I'm gonna google some of that stuff
00:34:04Because I don't know
00:34:05This next song is a folk song that I just recently wrote
00:34:15It's called The Ballad of Billy John
00:34:16Billy John was a simple man
00:34:23Worked in the fields most his life
00:34:25But provided for his wife and kids
00:34:28And left his dreams on the side
00:34:31One day when the kids left home
00:34:34Well, he picked up his guitar
00:34:36It had been a while
00:34:39But his fingers still knew how to reach the heart
00:34:42He played a song about life and love
00:34:46His hopes and regrets
00:34:48Then with a little prodding from the missus
00:34:52He put it on the internet
00:34:53When the views started pouring in
00:34:57Tears of joy started to fall
00:34:59Then they scrolled to the comments section
00:35:03And this is what they saw
00:35:05Eat a bag of shit, cunt face
00:35:08Go and blow your fucking head
00:35:11This shit just raped my ears
00:35:14Never heard nothing so bad
00:35:17I hope you fucking die
00:35:20And I hope you get eight
00:35:22You should just kill yourself
00:35:26You're a fag lol game
00:35:28Billy John's wife watched her husband
00:35:37As he shrugged and tried to smile
00:35:39He put his guitar away
00:35:43Stopped and stared at it for a while
00:35:45She knew he felt like a fool
00:35:49And he'd never play again
00:35:51So she turned on her webcam
00:35:54And let her message begin
00:35:56She said
00:35:58The man you've hurt tonight
00:36:00I've watched for 35 years
00:36:03He's got a kind and gentle soul
00:36:06And thanks to you
00:36:07That soul's in tears
00:36:10And the people said
00:36:12Shut the fuck up fatty
00:36:14Show us your tits
00:36:17One out of ten
00:36:19I wouldn't bang
00:36:20I bet you'd try to eat your dick
00:36:22You should go get sterilized
00:36:26So that you can't have kids
00:36:29Then they photoshopped a bunch of pictures
00:36:31Of her covered in jizz
00:36:34Well the video went viral
00:36:4357 million hits
00:36:45Billy John's wife became a meme
00:36:49On the internet
00:36:50They played the clip on CNN
00:36:54And read tweets about her weight
00:36:57Cause I guess that's the sort of thing
00:37:00That the news does nowadays
00:37:02Now Billy John and his wife
00:37:05Did nothing wrong
00:37:07And they weren't dumb
00:37:08They just hadn't paid attention
00:37:11To what we'd all become
00:37:13And a couple weeks later
00:37:17After avoiding it for some time
00:37:20A broken down and changed
00:37:22Billy John finally went back online
00:37:25He found a page of a blogger
00:37:28Still making fun of his wife
00:37:31He signed up and made an account
00:37:34And this is what beats height
00:37:37Eat a bag of shit
00:37:42Cunt face
00:37:43Don't blow your fucking dad
00:37:45Your shit just raped my eyes
00:37:49Never read nothing so bad
00:37:51I hope you fucking die
00:37:54And I hope you get AIDS
00:37:57And the world lost to Billy John
00:38:00And it gained more of the same
00:38:02You know, online bullying is a very serious problem
00:38:233.8 billion kids are bullied every day
00:38:27And there's never a reason to bully anyone
00:38:32Unless it's one of those kids that like jerks off into my little pony toys
00:38:35That's okay
00:38:36Or juggalos, that's fine too
00:38:40Other kids, that's fair game
00:38:44Like kids that think that they're squirrels or vampires or stuff like that
00:38:47That's fine
00:38:47Also, like, whoever's the poorest kid in school
00:38:52Because that's
00:38:52It's relatable
00:38:54It's a relatable joke
00:38:55So there are a couple examples where it's okay to make fun of kids
00:38:57But besides that
00:38:58You shouldn't do it
00:39:00It's okay for me to say that though
00:39:02Because I was bullied a lot when I was a kid
00:39:04But I didn't take it lying down
00:39:06I did something about it
00:39:07And this is a song about that
00:39:09Back in school everyone used to make fun of me
00:39:24I ate my lunch by myself and never went to parties
00:39:27Jocks would push me around
00:39:28Girls would all call me names
00:39:30But I kept my mind on my paper and my head in the game
00:39:32Working three jobs at a time and socking money away
00:39:35While they all went to college just to get drunk and get laid
00:39:37Years later and I finally reached my goal with my funds
00:39:40And everyone who bullied me is gonna see what I've done
00:39:43This monkey's part of shit
00:39:54Bought him online from a zoo
00:39:55So he's crazy as hell
00:39:56Cause he was probably abused
00:39:57He likes to smoke cigarettes
00:39:59And looks good in headbands
00:40:00I also tied nunchucks to each one of his hands
00:40:02And a knife to his head
00:40:04A skateboard to his feet
00:40:05Everyone who pipped on me
00:40:06Gonna run when we hit the streets
00:40:08So wherever you at
00:40:09You better run and hide
00:40:10Cause you finna be the victim of a monkey drive-by
00:40:12Damn, monkey, that's enough
00:40:17Let me hit some of this
00:40:18Oh, there they are
00:40:28Okay, monkey, you ready to do this shit?
00:40:31Hey, Daryl, look what I got
00:40:36What the fuck is that?
00:40:38What the fuck is that?
00:40:39Oh shit, that's a fucking monkey on a skateboard
00:40:42Shoot it, shoot it
00:40:43Oh, put it together
00:40:43Let's do it
00:40:44Shoot it
00:40:44Oh, yeah
00:40:45Then we'll go to the clubs and find Becky LaRue
00:40:52She was the prettiest girl in my entire school
00:40:54And she'll be dancing with Brian from the lacrosse team
00:40:57But they gonna stop when they get a load of monkey and me
00:40:59Cause monkey's wearing a suit
00:41:00And we both look cool as hell
00:41:02An hour later, we're tag Dean and Becky at the hotel
00:41:04Brian's watching us go
00:41:06And he's getting real sad
00:41:07Cause Becky tells him me and monkey are the best that she's had
00:41:09And she gets pregnant real fast
00:41:11Cause our sperm count's insane
00:41:12Then gives birth to a half monkey with a human brain
00:41:14His genetics are fucked and he can hardly see
00:41:17But he's cute and says funny things like
00:41:19Please kill me
00:41:20So we sell him the science for a trillion in cash
00:41:22Then withdraw it on, make the dumb economy crash
00:41:25Everyone's poor as shit and we're both rich as hell
00:41:27Everyone from high school is locked up in a cell
00:41:30Then we go to the moon and we meet moonbeams
00:41:32They each have like six boobs and like 15 legs
00:41:35Hey, weirdo
00:41:36Deuce closed, gotta go
00:41:39How much is it to buy one of these things?
00:41:43Told you before, you can't own a monkey in this state
00:41:46But I have almost $1,100
00:41:50Doesn't matter
00:41:52Now get out
00:41:53Okay
00:41:55But just so you know
00:41:57You're on the list now
00:41:59Alright, we're all on the list, okay?
00:42:03Go
00:42:03Bought a monkey
00:42:09Bought a monkey
00:42:11Bought a monkey
00:42:12I wanted to shoot something where there was a monkey in it for years
00:42:25And we finally got to do it
00:42:28And it was awesome
00:42:29Because they have to let the monkey bond to you
00:42:32So they open the cage
00:42:34And the monkey comes up and sits in my lap
00:42:36And hugs me and everything
00:42:37And I was like, oh
00:42:38And we were really good friends
00:42:39And it was awesome
00:42:40We hung out all day
00:42:41And like, she showed me some cool YouTubes
00:42:44And like, we talked about
00:42:46Her mother was Michael Jackson's monkey
00:42:48So like, it was really cool
00:42:49And we were gonna stay in touch afterwards
00:42:51It was really neat
00:42:51But then, when we were shooting
00:42:54That scene where the monkey throws the money
00:42:57The monkey that we shot with all day
00:42:59Most of that was one monkey
00:43:00But that monkey didn't know how to throw
00:43:02So they had this second monkey
00:43:04That was on set
00:43:06And he was the one that was gonna throw things
00:43:08So then, when it came time to that shot
00:43:10The guy, the monkey trainer
00:43:11He was like, now, this monkey hates women and children
00:43:15So they can't be in the room
00:43:17And I'm like, okay
00:43:18And then they open the cage
00:43:20And this monkey, this shitty monkey
00:43:21Just comes out
00:43:22And starts throwing everything
00:43:24Like, ah, like
00:43:25I hope I don't see any kids or ladies
00:43:27And then it like
00:43:28Goes away
00:43:29And so
00:43:30The point of that is
00:43:32Because no matter how shitty of a monkey you may find
00:43:35Um
00:43:36You could trap it
00:43:37And, uh, you know
00:43:38Eventually find some use for it
00:43:40This next song is another country song
00:43:46Your favorite
00:43:48Yeah
00:43:48And this song
00:43:53Is about what most good country songs are about
00:43:55Uh, drinking
00:43:56So
00:43:56There you go
00:43:58Me and Jesse's cousin
00:44:11Went to the Chevron after work
00:44:14To grab a couple Sixers
00:44:18And some beefy jerk
00:44:19The man behind the counter
00:44:23Said he'd like the C.I.D
00:44:26I handed him one of a guy
00:44:30Who sort of looked like me
00:44:31He frowned and asked me
00:44:35What was my address
00:44:37I knew the street
00:44:40But I couldn't quite get the rest
00:44:43I said I'd lost my real I.D
00:44:48And that we would pay him double
00:44:50We swore that we weren't cops
00:44:53And that he wouldn't get in trouble
00:44:55He smiled and said
00:44:58I'm sorry
00:44:59But it's already 12.04
00:45:02And the state says
00:45:04It's too late to sell alcohol anymore
00:45:08Sadly, we went to put back the beer
00:45:13But then a bottle caught my eye
00:45:18And I got an idea
00:45:20And I got an idea
00:45:20What about mouthwash?
00:45:23What about huff and paint?
00:45:26You don't need I.D. to buy it
00:45:30And you can't arrive too late
00:45:32What about mouthwash?
00:45:35What about smelling blue?
00:45:37If they say you can't buy liquor
00:45:41And some cough syrup should do
00:45:44Before we count this night up as a loss
00:45:50Say what about mouthwash?
00:45:52Sitting in the truck in the parking lot
00:45:59Underneath the moon and all them stars
00:46:02We don't need their liquor stores
00:46:06And we don't need their bars
00:46:07Drinking Listerine and tonic
00:46:11Jesse's cousin sipped a Scope and Coke
00:46:14Aerobitus and Red Bull
00:46:17Now that shit ain't no joke
00:46:19But something changed within me at that store
00:46:25Beer and spirits just don't cut it anymore
00:46:31The whispers that I hear
00:46:35And the looks that I keep getting
00:46:38When I toast with a dime-a-tap daiquiri
00:46:41At a fancy wedding
00:46:43And last night a cop pulled me over
00:46:47Going down 95 South
00:46:50And he saw the Sherman Williams
00:46:53All over my nose and mouth
00:46:55He just looked straight at me
00:46:59With a pity in his eyes
00:47:02Like he'd just seen the depths of sadness
00:47:05A man can't have in sight
00:47:07And the lengths to which he'll go
00:47:11To numb it down for another day
00:47:14He looked as if he'd cry
00:47:17But then he just walked away
00:47:19I watched as he rolled off down the interstate
00:47:25And then I thought to myself
00:47:29That's another reason this stuff's great
00:47:32What about mouthwash?
00:47:35What about smelling glue?
00:47:38When the police pull you over
00:47:41They ain't sure what to do
00:47:44What about mouthwash?
00:47:46Or even hand sanitizer
00:47:49When they check your glove compartment
00:47:53There won't be none the wiser
00:47:56Before we count this night up as a loss
00:48:01Say what about mouthwash?
00:48:04What about mouthwash?
00:48:34So I had the video
00:48:37And I was going to go play a college in Kansas
00:48:39And I just finished it
00:48:41I hadn't shown it anywhere
00:48:42And I was like oh this will be great
00:48:44I'll show all the kids at this college
00:48:46It'll be a fun thing
00:48:47They'll be the first to see it
00:48:49So I went down
00:48:50And I did it
00:48:51It was like a Friday night show
00:48:52And I showed the video
00:48:54And all the kids really liked it
00:48:55They were all like laughing
00:48:56And like cheering and stuff
00:48:58And I was like oh cool
00:48:59And I walked off stage
00:49:00And like the head of the student union
00:49:03Was sitting there
00:49:03Kind of crossed arms and mad at me
00:49:06And I was like what did I do?
00:49:08And then I didn't realize
00:49:09That the whole reason
00:49:10They were having people perform
00:49:12On that Friday
00:49:13Was it was supposed to be
00:49:14Something called
00:49:15Friday night's alternatives to drinking
00:49:17Like I had no idea
00:49:21And so I literally gave the kids
00:49:25Alternatives to drinking
00:49:26Never got asked back
00:49:30I have a bad habit of drinking a lot
00:49:35And then texting myself
00:49:39And they're usually just little ideas
00:49:41Or reminders
00:49:42Or stuff that I think is important
00:49:44At the time
00:49:45And then when I wake up
00:49:47The next morning
00:49:48I don't remember sending them
00:49:49And they're just nonsense
00:49:50And they don't make any sense
00:49:52I do it all the time
00:49:54So what I decided to do
00:49:55Was compile some of my actual
00:49:59Drunk texts that I've sent to myself
00:50:01Over an 18 month period
00:50:02And turn them into a song
00:50:04So that's what this is
00:50:06And these are all my actual drunk texts
00:50:09So
00:50:09Drunk texts to myself
00:50:14Messages through time
00:50:18I don't remember any of these
00:50:22What was going through my mind
00:50:24Drunk texts to myself
00:50:27Subconscious to my phone
00:50:31What are these supposed to mean
00:50:34Should have left this thing at home
00:50:37Start a band called Dwarf Cooter
00:50:42Dwarf Cooter
00:50:44Black people are the second worst
00:50:49At being president
00:50:50Tell all of your friends
00:50:56You're moving back to Virginia
00:50:57Then just move across town
00:50:59Write a dinosaur children's Christmas book
00:51:05The last line should be
00:51:07Because it had never snowed
00:51:08In dinosaur land before
00:51:10You kicked the door
00:51:14But the light thing
00:51:15But the light thing was already broken
00:51:16Secretly learn French
00:51:22Try to get the rights to Space Jam
00:51:28To myself
00:51:31Messages through time
00:51:35I don't remember any of these
00:51:38What was going through my mind
00:51:41Drunk texts to myself
00:51:44Subconscious to my phone
00:51:48What are these supposed to mean
00:51:51Should have left this thing at home
00:51:54Fat girls taking dumps
00:52:00Would also be a great band then
00:52:02The 7-11 on Franklin
00:52:07Doesn't sell beer
00:52:08Because they're Muslim
00:52:09See if LOLfarts.com has taken
00:52:15Porno for Pyros is the one
00:52:22That sings Tahitian Moon
00:52:23You need to pay the bus driver twice next time
00:52:31Rapping dog TV show
00:52:36Tonight by the tire swing
00:52:41There's a fight to the death
00:52:42As the deer stares into the field
00:52:45Followed by 17 exclamation points
00:52:48Learn to Tokyo drift
00:52:52I am just a conscious vibration
00:52:57Observing my little section of life
00:52:59Sent from my iPhone
00:53:02I don't remember any of these
00:53:08What was going through my mind
00:53:11Drunk texts to myself
00:53:14Subconscious to my phone
00:53:17What are these supposed to mean
00:53:21Should have left this thing at home
00:53:24How about a hand for Reggie Watts
00:53:35How about a hand for Reggie Watts
00:53:35In space
00:53:38Yeah
00:53:39Well we're coming up on the end of the show
00:53:44Thank you guys for coming out
00:53:46You have been a fantastic crowd
00:53:48This has been so much fun
00:53:49It's been a lot of fun
00:53:53And we've covered a whole bunch of different topics tonight
00:53:58A lot of issues from religion to politics
00:54:02Things that just really divide our nation
00:54:05So I thought here at the end
00:54:07It would be nice to kind of focus on the things
00:54:10That we all have in common
00:54:11And what can bring us together as Americans
00:54:14Well it's no secret our country's in some trouble here
00:54:29Well it's no secret our country's in some trouble here
00:54:41The left is mad, the right's enraged
00:54:45And the middle's disappeared
00:54:47The fat cats expect us to bail out them and all their friends
00:54:53And when they've spent our money
00:54:55They stick out their hands again
00:54:58It's times like this that each of us
00:55:02Need to reach across the aisle
00:55:04Instead of hurling insults
00:55:07We can try to share a smile
00:55:11Put aside our differences
00:55:13And remember what made us great
00:55:16All the people on and on
00:55:19And in one voice we'll say
00:55:23It's time for guillotines
00:55:27It's time to raise the voice
00:55:30It's time to sharpen blades
00:55:33We just can't take this anymore
00:55:36It's nothing personal
00:55:39We gave your way to try
00:55:42We're sorry but
00:55:43You at the top all have to die
00:55:46I'm sorry Mr. President
00:55:51We need to have your head
00:55:54And senators and congressmen
00:55:57We need all of you dead
00:55:59And all the CEOs of all the banks
00:56:04And TV pundits too
00:56:07Let's show our thanks
00:56:09Let's show our thanks
00:56:10Oh, it really pains us
00:56:14We'll have to kill your wives and children too
00:56:16Oh, it's purely business
00:56:19We just can't have them avenging you
00:56:22Oh, we'll storm the Hamptons
00:56:25And Beverly Hills
00:56:26And the Georgetown will go home
00:56:28And we'll burn Connecticut to the ground
00:56:33So that nothing ever grows
00:56:35It's time for guillotines
00:56:37It's time to raise the boards
00:56:40It's time to sharpen blades
00:56:44We just can't take this anymore
00:56:47Those peaceful protests
00:56:50Just we're not cutting it
00:56:52Martin Luther King and Gandhi
00:56:55Both can go suck a dick
00:56:57We can come together
00:57:07We can do this if we try
00:57:10Find our common enemy
00:57:13And unite both our sides
00:57:16A lesbian and a NASCAR fan
00:57:19Helping hold a lobbyist down
00:57:21While a priest and an abortion doctor
00:57:25Stomp him into the ground
00:57:27We'll take the Secretary of the Treasury
00:57:30And the Chairman of the Fed
00:57:33And let all 300 million citizens
00:57:37Gangrape them till they're dead
00:57:39And when every man, woman and child
00:57:42Has finished running train
00:57:45We'll rest for a couple hundred years
00:57:48Before we have to do it again
00:57:51It's time for guillotines
00:57:54It's time to raise the boards
00:57:57It's time to sharpen blades
00:58:00We just can't take this anymore
00:58:03It's nothing personal
00:58:06We gave your way a try
00:58:09We're sorry, but you at the top
00:58:12All have to die
00:58:14We're sorry, but you at the top
00:58:18All have to die
00:58:22Thank you so much, everybody
00:58:33You've been great
00:58:37Oh my God
00:58:40Thanks to everybody
00:58:43This has been so much fun
00:58:45How about for the band
00:58:47In the background says
00:58:48Thank you so much
00:58:50Thank you for coming out
00:58:52And one more thing
00:58:55Magic is real
00:58:57It's time to raise the floor
00:59:05It's time to raise the floor
00:59:06It's time to turn the place
00:59:08We just can't take this anymore
00:59:11It's not impersonal
00:59:14We gave you a rage
00:59:16I know we're sorry, but you at the top
00:59:19All have to die
00:59:22Shall we gas up the drum
00:59:34With the heart attack darts?
00:59:36Excellent
00:59:36Mm-hmm.
00:59:38How's that?
00:59:39That's Control Apple Cs.
00:59:41There we go.
00:59:42Yep.
00:59:43Oh, well.
00:59:43Hmm.
01:00:06It's time to raise the boys.
01:00:11It's time to sharpen the blades.
01:00:13We just can't take this anymore.
01:00:17It's nothing personal.
01:00:20We gave you a wage trial.
01:00:22We're sorry, but you at the top all have to die.
01:00:36We're sorry, but you at the top all have to die.
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