- 5 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00You
00:30How did your gig go on Friday?
00:39Yeah, very good. Thank you. We're having a nice time here in Mid-West-South Fest.
00:48And we're here to promote the single extraterrestrial lady parts.
00:56We are a band called Fast Ghost, based out of London, and public service announcement.
01:05I lost my passport yesterday or the day before, so please, if you see Felix Remen's passport,
01:12please can you send it to base camp, and I will find it, and I will reward you. Thank you.
01:26Oh, God, help us. I did not know you were there.
01:31Can we, uh, can we chat a moment?
01:33Wow, that's never good.
01:35Listen, Jessica, I like you.
01:41You're perfectly adequate to have around, but I brought you to London because I'd heard that you always got the job done.
01:50Now, honestly, since you've arrived, you seem to have been at loose ends.
01:56Hmm? I don't know.
01:57Ah, hush. James Wenlick Rice starts prep in two weeks. This is a man who's won an Academy Award.
02:05Of course, for a bird in a pipe, a searing exploration of sex, workers.
02:09Yeah, I haven't seen it, but I need you to be fully present and accounted for because he's an incredibly complex director to handle.
02:18Yeah, I'm so excited to meet him. I feel like moving across the ocean is a little intense sometimes, but I feel like I'm really...
02:24Fabulous. Josie has a list of ten behaviors to avoid from here on out. Look at me.
02:31Now, some of them are cultural, some are personal, but all of them will benefit you in life wherever you go after here.
02:41Thanks.
02:43Okay. Um, you've been eating quite smelly lunches, including a very few antisocial flavor of crisps, such as prawn.
02:53You've played a few voice memos from your mom out loud, and she's not possessed of the gentlest tone.
02:59Like, that one actually is kind of true, so maybe just, like, you've been quiet.
03:02And you say, I have to pee, which forces us to visualize what you're doing in there instead of saying you're just popped through.
03:08When you, like, change your shoes, just maybe do it, like, before you get into the office, because Jon is really sensitive to smell,
03:14and he says that your feet smell bad, and I feel really awkward saying that to you.
03:18We don't know for sure that they're mine. We don't.
03:20We don't. Smelling, because I feel like other people do change their shoes as well.
03:23That is true.
03:24No limitation. Stay wild or stay unfolded.
03:30What are you looking at? I love it.
03:32Complication. The life of space didn't...
03:37You're getting bored of it.
03:39Oh, my God.
03:40Looking at, see our reflection. Can't remember to the next line.
03:45Can you do like a little trilly, like a little...
03:47I feel like we should get you in on the backing.
03:53Yeah!
03:54That's amazing.
03:55That drum was amazing, though.
03:57Yeah, nice.
03:58You're getting tighter every day, man.
04:00You're getting tighter every day.
04:01So how long are you saying we should hold it for now?
04:04Does it feel like the right length to you?
04:06One, two, three...
04:08Are you for real?
04:12So...
04:14Felix Rahman.
04:15Rahman.
04:16Rahman, sorry.
04:17Are you looking for work?
04:19Yeah.
04:20Yeah, but like I was saying, the main thing I've been doing is trying to write songs and stuff at the moment.
04:25Uh-huh.
04:26Is that paying work?
04:28You know, so I have been paid to make music, just not to make my own music.
04:32But like, it will become paying work.
04:34It's just the problem is if I'm spending all my time trying to find other work, then I don't have the time to make that work.
04:41Like, my main work.
04:43So I have applied for lots of different jobs, it's just, I don't know, when your CV says session guitarist in a bunch of punk, thrash punk, whatever bands, they're not jumping to make you the manager of a pasta restaurant, do you know what I mean?
04:56Like, I'm not trying to be a brat about it, it's just it's taken me a while to get to...
05:01Like, I don't do drugs anymore, like, I don't drink, I'm a normal...
05:06It's just, like, for a couple of months.
05:09You know, I'm actually a bit of a muso myself.
05:14Wow.
05:15I have a band here, the Job Center Jug Jammers.
05:18Oh, cool.
05:20So, is that, like, you play the jokes, or...?
05:24It's a rhythm and blues 90s style.
05:26Um, we just call it that because of the multiple Js, because of, um, Janet and John and, uh, Jimmy.
05:32Right.
05:33Uh...
05:34I'm Mike.
05:35It doesn't matter.
05:36Well, do you want to play me some of your tracks?
05:40I'll let you know if they have promise.
05:42Dear Wendy Jones, do you ever have trouble being present where you actually are?
05:57Like, do you ever find yourself, say, having dinner with my ex-boyfriend while you're thinking about your ex-boyfriend?
06:03Or are you, like, studying Buddhism in addition to everything else you got going on?
06:08Okay.
06:09We have a lighting budget, bitch.
06:11I can't believe you can spend all that time on numbers.
06:14I can't count beyond ten.
06:15It makes my head hurt.
06:16You can.
06:18You just don't want to.
06:20Do you want to?
06:21No, but I want to have a job, and I do what I have to do in order to have a job.
06:26I mean, isn't adulthood just a series of things that we don't want to do, but we have to?
06:31No, I think it's, like, trying to make sure you can do the things that you actually do want to do.
06:36Is this the job you always wanted?
06:38What kind of question is that?
06:40Literally just a question.
06:42Because I'm curious about you.
06:44Oh.
06:45Well, yeah, I mean, it's similar to what I really wanted to do.
06:50What about you? Have you always wanted to be a musician?
06:54Uh, not really.
06:56I mean, I'm not saying I became a musician out of revenge,
06:59but I think I got my first guitar when I was 15.
07:02I was trying to impress Angelica Proctor.
07:05She took my virginity in her mum's bed at a house party.
07:08And then she dumped me for some guy that she met at the Stone Circle at Glastonbury.
07:12Well, was she impressed?
07:14She did actually come to a gig, like, ten years later and tried to shag me, so...
07:18Tried?
07:19I think, yeah, very much successfully managed to shag me.
07:24Um, yeah.
07:25I have a question.
07:27Um...
07:28Do you know how Americans are really horny for the British accent?
07:30Like, everything you say sounds really sexy and chic?
07:33Does it go both ways?
07:34Like, do you guys think that our accents are, like, really cute?
07:38Um...
07:40I find your accent cute.
07:42So, no.
07:43I, um, I can't stay up late tonight.
07:50I have a meeting at 8.30.
07:52What, like, a dinner meeting?
07:54No, like, a breakfast meeting, like, in the morning, before breakfast.
07:58A.M.?
07:59Yeah.
08:00Gross.
08:01Anyways, we've been staying up really late and it's been really lovely, but my boss had
08:05to talk to me today and it was...
08:07Uh-oh.
08:08Did you hear bollocking?
08:09Uh, I would never let my boss fuck me, especially in the ass.
08:15What is wrong with you?
08:17What the fuck?
08:19Bollocking.
08:20Like, did he tell you off?
08:22Did he have a word with you?
08:23Like, I gave him a bollocking.
08:25I've never heard that.
08:27Are you making that up?
08:28No, that's, like, an English phrase.
08:30That's, like, an idiom.
08:31Like...
08:32You're literally lying.
08:33Google it.
08:34It doesn't mean fucking someone in the ass.
08:36I got scared that you thought I cheated on you.
08:38I would never do that to my fiancé.
08:40I really need to be on my A-game.
08:43So, tonight, you can't keep me awake.
08:45I think you're the one who's been keeping me awake.
08:47Here, let me help you with that.
08:49You're deleting.
08:50Sorry.
08:51You're adding and deleting.
08:52Sorry.
08:53You're not even going to eat your foe.
08:56For sure, I'm going to eat it.
08:58Oh, my God.
08:59Okay.
09:00Let's have a do-over.
09:02Can't eat this cold.
09:03It won't be divine that way.
09:04Mm-hmm.
09:05You know, you can be a little genius with your spreadsheet,
09:09but I've noticed that you're not always that kind to yourself.
09:12What do you mean?
09:14Well, like, eating your foe freezing cold, for example.
09:17Or washing your face with those really rough towels that you've got.
09:21Or sleeping with the curtains wide open.
09:23If I don't sleep with the curtains open, then how will I know it's morning?
09:26And if I don't know it's morning, I'll just keep sleeping and sleeping,
09:28and I might as well be asleep for forever.
09:30Like, I might as well be dead.
09:31I'll tell you when it's morning.
09:33I can be the curtains.
09:47Sorry.
09:48It will be so good.
09:49It's a little bit too.
09:51I'm just thinking I'm sorry.
09:52But, I'm going to leave it alone.
09:53I'm going to leave it alone.
09:54I don't know if I do not.
09:55Or you hear it?
09:56It's a little bit too bad.
09:57I'm not going to leave it alone.
09:58No, I'm not.
09:59You know, I'm not going to leave it alone.
10:00It's quite all the time it's morning.
10:02Yeah, you know?
10:03I'm not going to leave it alone.
10:04It's a little bit too...
10:05...
10:10baby blue shirt out the laundry he tells me he's gentle and he wants to be so I think he wants to
10:20be gentle with me I actually can't believe that you've never watched Pannington I've watched it
10:28like 20 times it's a kids movie my nephew doesn't like kids movies his favorite movies the English
10:34watch this but this bit's really important it's actually where they set like the whole story up
10:39I know all the details seem really random now but they all come back later so you have to concentrate
10:45okay oh god I fucking hate this bit are you scared yeah because I know what's coming but they find
10:55Uncle Pustuzzo right Uncle Pustuzzo no that's the problem they don't find them they literally
11:05never find them that is really sad why would they do that in a kids movie the graphics actually hold
11:14up really well don't you think mm-hmm this bit is ridiculous it's so real oh yeah this is the
11:26bit actually this is like the worst bit he looks so little in his boat you need to brace yourself it
11:43doesn't get funny like for quite a while yeah I love this movie it's so good it's making me cry
11:49he's so like he's like looking at us like oh god he's just lost his fucking uncle he doesn't know if
11:57he's gonna see her again he's like so cute and he's like they're putting into his like brutal shit
12:06you must find a new home in London but but I don't know anyone there what if they don't even like
12:33bears you know is your heart made of fucking stone but she's just put a fucking tag around
12:41his necklace like this is please look after this bear god I know what she doesn't know what's gonna
12:47happen to him she's like oh no fucking how is that but I'm worried to like now when we get to
12:53end of the film like you're not gonna have the ammo to like no I was enjoying it because yeah as soon
12:59as you started crying I was like okay this one of us has to be yeah basically because he's got so
13:04much marmalade that's like a signal for us that's like okay cheer up guys mom yeah it's gonna be okay
13:09he's gonna have a sandwich
13:39I can't believe he did that that's crazy you can't tell me movie trivia during sex do you want me to
13:46quote the whole of the matrix no I can quote the whole film off by heart please don't do that
13:51where are you going well I have to go to the bathroom because I'm not about that UTI life
13:57is that why you're walking like that you know this walk it's a female classic yeah I've seen it
14:03before I just wanted to hear you say it out loud that you're basically smuggling come now they're a
14:09come smuggler you've got a permit what's the context hey what I mean when I meet you are you
14:27actually a worm or is this some sort of Kafkaesque transformation like I become a worm like bam you
14:33wake up I'm next to you I'm a worm um I miss you I'd mourn you I'd be in recovery my whole life from
14:43losing you I'd keep you in a little terrarium and feed you the best worm food but I don't think our
14:50relationship would remain romantic that's a good answer baby would you still love me if I were a worm
14:58I refuse to be party to this trend think about it some kid in Arkansas makes a video and what we're
15:04all supposed to emulate it in our spare time sounds pretty nonsensical doesn't it
15:08would you still love me if I was a worm would you still love me if I was a worm would you still
15:18love me if I was a worm Wendy some days my mind just loops over and over as I think about the fact
15:23that if we hung out you probably would love me you'd be like wow Jess she's so real instead you've
15:30been fed some story that makes me feel impossible to empathize with just wait until we show the boys
15:35like this there's boys coming over well just at the high school dance
15:39you want to try wow it's really chic in French
15:44maybe you feel sorry for me like a girl who really did become a worm
15:56you're everything I disdain in this world wait why because because I want to hook up with you
16:05can can I hook up with you I mean you can do whatever you want you have the power
16:12well what if I want you to own me
16:15I wasn't
16:17I wasn't
16:20I wasn't having a bathroom problem I was texting my mom just so you know
16:48I didn't think you were having a bathroom problem
16:52are you okay yeah I'm just having a cigarette
16:58come here
17:02you really have to go to sleep okay okay
17:20now this is relaxing
17:36so you're like staring at your phone all the way through Paddington and then now this
17:43show about people getting their dreams shattered by Alan Carr
17:47is somehow chilling you out
17:49I mean yeah I feel like you have to watch people whose lives are worse than yours to relax
17:55I mean if I really wanted to conk out if I wanted to like fall asleep right away
17:58I'd watch Dateline we'd be watching like an unsolved murder about a respected female pastor
18:04right I feel like that really puts yourself in perspective I mean she's really not coming back from that and it's really sad
18:10it's also like it's sad and it's oh I hate watching it's I hate that happened to her
18:16oh I'm falling asleep
18:17okay so murder murder is relaxing for you but like a sweet film about a bear
18:26what it's like giving you a panic attack like what
18:29it makes me feel like
18:31I can't relate as much I'm not I'm not the bear you know like the bear found his family
18:38he found his people and look at me I did it
18:41but there is like a bit of Paddington about you too don't you think
18:45what do you mean
18:47like I don't know the way you've come over from America
18:51with like a little tag around your neck that says please look after this girl
18:55like I don't heat everyone's noodles up
18:58and for some reason like I'm genuinely worried about the amount of time you're spending on your phone and stuff
19:03I don't know there's something about you that makes me want to take care of you
19:09well anyways you like me now but what if I gold pants you
19:15what if you what
19:16what if I gold pants you that's what we used to call it in college
19:21where you'd be really horny for someone and then suddenly repulse
19:24like my friend Jeanette used to date this guy
19:27who was really sexy and cool and mature and then one day
19:30he came to pick her up for a date and he was wearing gold pants
19:33I mean there is one girl who like basically we just have sex every year on my birthday for like nine years
19:49wow that's a commitment
19:51and then one year I woke up in her bed the morning after and she was eating the leftover Chinese food that we'd had the night before
20:00okay so no food in bed I guess
20:03no like I eat in bed all the time I literally eat my meals in bed but
20:07it was something more about like her eyes were just sort of really vacant like she wasn't even enjoying it because that would almost be hot in a way
20:17but there was just this look that she had of
20:20I guess desperation
20:23or like a need
20:26that would never be fulfilled
20:28I have something about it
20:30that just really
20:31I don't know
20:34I guess it scared me
20:35does that count
20:37is that gold pants material
20:39yeah you got the ick
20:41how long have you been sober
20:45um
20:47like two and a half weeks
20:49it's actually been like
20:55no I'm actually doing really well
20:58I couldn't tell
20:58I've been like nearly three years
21:00okay
21:01of like sober sober
21:03because I stopped
21:03obviously I stopped the harder stuff a bit before the booze
21:06like I'm not a member of a program or anything
21:09but I do have one of those like silly counter apps on my phone
21:12what was like your rock bottom
21:14oh man
21:16like there was one time when
21:18I went on a bender and had sex with my sister
21:22this friend
21:27my sister's friend
21:28oh my god
21:30that's psychotic
21:31you scared me so bad
21:33I was like sitting here thinking like
21:35I guess we could talk through it
21:36people make mistakes
21:37it was just like a really messy night
21:39and like we'd known each other since we were 10
21:42we were never really that into each other
21:44but I woke up and like was completely out of it
21:48I think she must have been on a period
21:50because it looked like I'd murdered her
21:51and I'd shat myself
21:52she had like a mirrored ceiling for some reason
21:55so I could see the whole thing
21:56oh my god
21:57and like the weird thing is like that wasn't even enough to stop me
22:01in the end I think it was just like
22:04I don't know
22:05trying to be a musician or whatever
22:07and like if you're fucked the whole time you can't write music
22:10can you
22:10or you can be or you fucking shit
22:12so
22:13and then when I started using
22:15I started to remember all this stuff from the past
22:18like what?
22:21oh you know just like
22:24boring stuff
22:29hello mother
22:32I mean honestly I could take out a restraining order against her at this point
22:39I mean if you're talking that much
22:42she's not really giving you a chance is she?
22:44I think with British families it's more like birds
22:47they beat you out of the nest the second you don't need your worms chewing
22:50do you know what I mean?
22:51well Jewish women are like clothespins
22:54it hurts when they attach themselves to you
22:56nice
22:58what about your dad?
23:02well he died
23:03yeah he's dead
23:04oh
23:05for real?
23:08sorry
23:09why did you kill him?
23:15seriously what was he like?
23:16um
23:17well
23:19he had Parkinson's disease
23:21like
23:22a really aggressive form
23:25called multiple systems atrophy
23:27it's like if Parkinson's and Luke Gehrig's disease had an evil baby
23:31um
23:32he could barely talk
23:34and he would just
23:35sit in his easy chair
23:37all day
23:38and
23:38like watch old westerns
23:41just Butch Cassidy over and over and over again
23:44yeah
23:45but
23:46when I was younger
23:48oh my god
23:50there's no one I'd rather see
23:52I'd be like stuck
23:55at an awful play date
23:57and then he'd walk in
23:58thank god
23:59hey dog
24:03alright okay
24:08you wanna go?
24:09you got your stuff?
24:11let's blow those popsicles down
24:13this is a
24:16I think it's a dog
24:17you could make it a unicorn
24:19a dog unicorn?
24:21yeah
24:22a dog unicorn?
24:23okay
24:24he had these like really delicate hands
24:28he was really good at making things
24:31I see
24:32I loved watching him play with clay
24:34or roll a joint when he had friends over on Sunday for Christmas
24:42hey hey
24:42hey hey
24:42go back to bed honey
24:44go on
24:45go on
24:47yeah
24:47he told us that everyone should be able to drive a car
24:55roll a joint
24:56and soft-boiled egg
24:57at the same time
24:59I can't do any of those things
25:02he'd probably be fucking mortified
25:04he'd do maths though
25:07maths
25:09tell me about your parents
25:13do you think Astrid can see colours?
25:20or do you think for dogs it's like the smells of the colours?
25:25hang on
25:29hang on
25:29hang on
25:30okay
25:31oh
25:34oh
25:35oh
25:36oh
25:37oh
25:38oh
25:39oh
25:40wait a second
25:40oh
25:42oh
25:43oh
25:44oh
25:45oh
25:46oh
25:47oh
25:48fuck it
25:49fuck it
25:50fuck it
25:51fuck
25:51oh
25:52fuck
25:53sorry
25:54one more
25:55okay
25:56no fuck
25:57okay
25:58I got bail sorry
25:59white flag
26:00um
26:01I'm all out of calm
26:03are you
26:04is everything okay?
26:05like you were yelling and
26:07yeah no sorry I thought I'd go for gold but
26:11I guess I'm in my thirties now
26:13I get it
26:14it's nothing that like I did sexually right like I didn't make you feel uncomfortable or
26:19do something that you didn't like or maybe I did something that you liked a lot but I didn't do it for the
26:23long I mean I was trying to do a lot of sex stuff with the toothbrush I don't know if that was coming across if you could see me in the mirror doing like a lot of like oh no is she gonna put it all the way in?
26:33how
26:34you're sexy
26:35you're sexy
26:36you know you're sexy
26:37what are you fishing for compliments now?
26:38no
26:39I love your body I love everything about your body I love how you fuck
26:42also actually one specific thing I've been meaning to tell you you always have sex hair which is really hot
26:48okay enough I thought I wanted the compliments I don't know if I want anymore
26:54it's like I want the affirmation but also I'm like yeah I know
26:59I've always actually felt really hot except for when I haven't
27:03okay so when have you not felt hot?
27:09I think every woman's been told that she's like not a model even models are told that
27:15I feel like embarrassed that I even said anything so let's just forget it and just agree that we're both attracted to each other I feel like insane for even bringing it up
27:24yeah I mean if I could paint I would paint the shit out of you for what it's worth
27:28I'd paint your tits and your arse and your cute little mouth it looks like a rose
27:33yeah paint it all day
27:37you're really hot you know that
27:42thanks I'm not that invested in being hot but
27:45maybe you can like say some nice things about me
27:50seriously?
27:52yeah I think I deserve it
27:55okay
27:57um
27:58I like that um
28:00that you're gentle but also really naughty
28:03mmhmm
28:04and I like that you're
28:06logical but like in a really wild way
28:09and I like that um
28:11you know usually
28:13I would go to sleep to try to pass the time quicker but with you I want to stretch it all out
28:18okay so when I press play you have to get to kissing and you can't stop until the song's over you're gonna be really good because you're a musician
28:29okay and how long is this song?
28:31never you mind
28:32never you mind
28:33it doesn't matter
28:34you're gonna be good at it
28:35okay
28:36you have to like kind of kiss to the um music you know
28:38okay you're ready
28:39mmhmm
28:40now when I press play you've got to get to kissing
28:44and you can't stop until the song is done
28:46how long is this song?
28:48oh
28:49never you mind
28:50oh
28:51never you mind
28:52don't you mind
28:53never you mind
28:54never you mind
28:55I was like
28:56oh
28:58no
28:59to me
29:01but
29:11yeah
29:13he's an adult
29:15he's a man
29:16I'm
29:17I'm
29:18Sometimes, Wendy, life demands that you just show up and shut up.
29:27Even if it's just for the length of a funkadelic song.
29:38What are you seeing?
29:40Like, right now?
29:42Yeah, like, in your mind?
29:45Um, like, outer space?
29:48Which is so weird, because I don't really care about outer space.
29:55What about you?
30:01I come hiding in a bush.
30:05And I can hear some enemy troops approaching.
30:10But I found a safe spot.
30:15I'm not going to get caught.
30:16Really?
30:32Oh, sorry.
30:34Sorry.
30:34I'll see you later.
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