- 5 days ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00You know, she was saying some really fucked up shit to me while he was sleeping.
00:11Astrid.
00:12She was like telling me to get the fuck out of the house.
00:14I want to hang with my mama.
00:17That's really rude.
00:19You shouldn't be saying that to our guest.
00:20What else did you say?
00:22You said I was broke.
00:23You said I'm not as cool as I think I am.
00:26You said I had big waist man energy.
00:28I told you not to say that.
00:29That is so mean.
00:31She's a monster.
00:32I'm sorry.
00:34Fuck.
00:35I need to go.
00:36Oh shit.
00:37You know I could come with you.
00:38I mean the pictures of the house are so gorgeous.
00:40It's basically the estate I came here for.
00:43It's basically princess diaries.
00:45Yeah, I feel like going to parents is more of a be invited than invite yourself thing, no?
00:51Well, I thought we were kind of past that.
00:53Look, we've got time.
00:55It's just like I have stuff to sort out today.
00:59This can be boring.
01:00I guess I wish I knew what stuff it was, but I don't want to be pushy.
01:04Then don't be pushy.
01:07See you later.
01:08You're awesome.
01:10Tell your mom I said hi if she asks who you're fucking during sex.
01:14I don't know.
01:19I mean, it's not a UTI.
01:21I've had those before.
01:22Okay, yeast infection?
01:24Nope.
01:24It could be chlamydia.
01:26I don't know.
01:27You know.
01:28Okay, honey.
01:29I'm actually really busy on my land acknowledgments committee, and it's a Zoom meeting.
01:34So I'm going to just pass you on to grandma, okay?
01:37Finally.
01:37Right now, finally.
01:38Okay.
01:39Hello, honey.
01:42I hear your poom poom hurts.
01:45Wow.
01:46Word really travels fast.
01:48Is it a shallow pain or very deep on penetration?
01:52No, it's like really deep.
01:53It's like deep, deep inside of my body.
01:55Okay.
01:56Back in my time, we had a name for that.
02:00Honeymoon cystitis.
02:01What does that mean?
02:03You've overused the item.
02:05Wow.
02:07For only having sex with one person, you really know a lot.
02:09It's funny because I started our honeymoon a virgin.
02:14The first night, I was too tight.
02:17Just so nervous.
02:19The whole boat to Cuba.
02:21I couldn't do it.
02:22It was like my nunu was so shut.
02:25When we got to Cuba, we met up with our friends, Nance and Charlie.
02:31Charlie says he wants to go to this exclusive club.
02:35Moments later, before we even ordered entrees, there was this woman on stage shooting golf
02:42balls right out her puss.
02:45A tiny man was catching them in his mouth.
02:49Oh, my God.
02:52Did you, like, freak?
02:53No, I didn't freak.
02:55I thought, well, if she could shoot golf balls, I could handle one mid-sized schlong.
03:01And you know what?
03:03After that, we had an amazingly adventurous sexual life.
03:07And I got to know that woman.
03:09And I became her understudy.
03:12Okay, that's an amazing story.
03:14It's hilarious in all the right places.
03:16I just, I don't know what to do about my sore insides right now.
03:19Oh, well, you just tell your guy.
03:22I adore you.
03:24You drive me wild.
03:25But we're overusing the hardware.
03:27Look at all these other cars.
03:31Well, that looks like a piece of shit.
03:32Look at the grey one.
03:32Yeah.
03:33No, look at the grey one properly.
03:35That looks like it's worth less than this car to me.
03:38I'm doing you a favour because I like your shoes.
03:45Okay, fine.
03:46Yeah.
03:46Yeah?
03:47Grand.
03:47Yeah.
03:47Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:49Yeah.
03:49Yeah.
03:50Yeah.
03:50Yeah.
03:51Yeah.
03:51Yeah.
03:52Yeah.
03:52Yeah.
03:53Yeah.
03:54Yeah.
03:55Yeah.
03:56Yeah.
03:57He's got long, skinny legs and holes in his pants.
04:07I love the way he sings.
04:10I've never really seen it dance.
04:13Cause it's me.
04:15I made you in my intent.
04:19If I ask you to understand.
04:23That I see what I see.
04:28I see what I see.
04:30Yeah.
04:31I see what I see.
04:33Oh, my God.
05:04Hi.
05:07I'm waiting for 40 minutes.
05:19I had to watch a bunch of schoolchildren
05:20dance into their parents' arms.
05:22It was like 1997 all over again.
05:24So, dance into mine.
05:27Come on, baby.
05:29That's my little old baby.
05:34Hi, hi, hi.
05:35Hello.
05:35How are you?
05:36I'm all right.
05:37Oh, my.
05:43My little one.
05:45Okay.
05:45The dog.
06:04Yeah, right?
06:05Mm.
06:06Crazy.
06:07Yeah.
06:07She looks sick.
06:11Is she to die soon?
06:12No, she's not dying.
06:14That's just, like, what she looks like.
06:16She's expressing so much with her eyes.
06:20She's saying, love me well.
06:25I have to go from here or something.
06:27Oh, the dog?
06:28Yeah.
06:29Mama, I'm showing you the picture because of the girl.
06:32Oh, this girl?
06:37This girl, yeah.
06:38Ah.
06:40She feels so late.
06:46She won't blow away.
06:49Yeah, okay.
06:52But I like Jacqueline's eyes.
06:54Jessica?
06:55Do you mean Jessica?
06:56I call her what makes sense to me.
06:59Okay.
07:00All right.
07:02How is, uh, how's Pa doing?
07:07You know, he's focused.
07:10He's going to get us out of this.
07:13I feel like it's a bit late for that.
07:16Kind of running out of luck, don't you think?
07:20I actually feel like if he just accepted that,
07:23then, like, you two could just get on and enjoy your lives for once.
07:26No, no, no, no, no, no, Fifi.
07:28It is my knight in shining armor.
07:32I chose him, so what choice do I have now but to believe?
07:41No, not to believe.
07:43To know.
07:46There, you want to stop by the old house?
07:49No, thanks.
07:50Maybe we fight back.
07:54Hmm.
07:55Maybe you come live there with none again.
07:58James Setter?
08:00Jessica.
08:01Ah, Jessica, maybe.
08:03Yeah.
08:04Your baby's sleeping in your old bed.
08:07You never know.
08:09There it is.
08:28I mean, it's not our house.
08:39We haven't lived there for, what, like, two years ago?
08:4514 years.
08:47OK.
08:49Shall we go?
08:52Go in.
08:53Nobody home.
08:54What the fuck?
08:56They leave the door unlocked.
08:58I check every day.
09:03You're trying to get me arrested for trespassing or something?
09:08You can't be arrested in your own home.
09:11Once you're home, always you're home.
09:14It's not how it works.
09:15That's not the law.
09:17OK, fuck it.
09:24You coming?
09:25I stay here.
09:29Smorgashoek.
09:30Cool.
09:31We can both get arrested on separate charges.
09:33You coming?
09:45You coming in?
09:46Not through the door.
09:46Have you?
09:48Oh, oh, oh.
09:50Oh, oh.
09:51Oh, oh.
09:52Oh, oh.
09:52Oh, oh.
09:54Oh, oh, oh.
09:54Not terribly bad, eh?
10:23It's amazing.
10:24I wrote that in only ten minutes,
10:26after Ma ran away for the weekend with Leland Fellows.
10:43I love it.
10:45What are you thinking?
10:47Huh, Pippi?
10:49Well, it's...
10:49No, no, no, don't tell me, darling.
10:53Please.
10:58Don't hang up.
10:59Please, Baron.
11:01Please.
11:01I love you so much.
11:04I can't promise I won't do something awful.
11:07You don't need anybody who makes you sad.
11:13How did you get so wise, my wise little boy?
11:18You know why you're here, don't you, Phoenix?
11:22I...
11:22I think so.
11:25I work hard for this life and to pay for you to attend a very fine school.
11:31And the deal is, you must at least try not to let yourself down and let me down in the process.
11:40And this, this, this just shows you aren't even trying.
11:48It's okay.
11:49It's okay.
11:53You come in.
11:55Oh, you all right, Mama?
11:56Your father, he lives in his own world, so here I am in my own world.
12:14Oh, what's that?
12:15Mom?
12:16Mama?
12:17Pa?
12:18When do they come back?
12:21When will who come back?
12:32Pa and Mama have been gone for so long, I don't feel so well, I have a fever.
12:38Who's looking after you?
12:39Who cooks for you?
12:40Who cleans for you?
12:41Who makes your dinner?
12:42You do.
12:43And who's here when you wake up and when you go to sleep?
12:48You are.
12:49When will you get it through your head?
12:52They aren't here.
12:54Now tell me you love me.
12:56I love you.
13:00Say it again, louder.
13:03I love you.
13:19Hey.
13:20Hey, my boy.
13:21Well, I hope you're nice and hungry, Felix, because this is quite sour-hearted roast.
13:34You know we're not a hired helper.
13:36Do you want to lend us a hand?
13:37She doesn't have to.
13:38Yeah, yeah.
13:39Oh, thank you.
13:42You are so kind.
13:43Can someone, um, swap me here?
13:44Actually, now I've got my...
13:45Ah!
13:46Tachycardia I'm suffering from makes me dizzy sometimes.
13:49Self-diagnosed.
13:50Self-diagnosed.
13:51Self-diagnosed tachycardia.
13:52Don't know what it is.
13:54The NHS has one year waiting lists, Felix.
13:57Broken fucking country.
13:59And frankly, yes, I'm going to use the internet.
14:04And my best preserved organ.
14:07The pancreas.
14:09Ah-ha-ha-ha!
14:10I'd rather be dead than leave here.
14:13Mata suyu kotoyu.
14:15Hi, your Japanese is so weird.
14:17Cool dinner chat, guys.
14:18Can I just ask Ma, is that, like, an empty threat,
14:20or are you just telling us what you're going to do?
14:22I never sleep.
14:24It's torture.
14:25The sound of the light bulbs.
14:32It'll soon be all right.
14:33Look, I'm in talks with Jack DeBove, OK?
14:37And I'm thinking of investing in a small enterprise
14:41that offers car insurance to people with heavy police records.
14:45Oh, nice.
14:46Glad to hear you're finding a way to make the world a better place.
14:48As per.
14:49He's a narcissist, you know.
14:51Really?
14:52Yeah.
14:53That has never crossed my mind.
14:55And it's so lonely now with your girl,
14:59my only playmate.
15:01You know that?
15:02Have you thought about, like,
15:04do you know what a friend is, Ma?
15:05Could you maybe think about getting some friends?
15:06Really?
15:07Yeah, I recommend it.
15:08Honto dayo.
15:09She's entirely devoid of friends.
15:11I'm moving out, you know.
15:13At the moment I find a job.
15:15My friend Justine has a massive boiler room.
15:17Boil-
15:18Did you say boiler room?
15:19Yeah.
15:20That's a euphemism.
15:21How do you even say?
15:22Please don't tell me off about this.
15:23I'm exhausted.
15:25My mind feels crispy.
15:28Like, that's resourceful.
15:29I was going to say that's, like, resourceful.
15:31Like, good for you.
15:32Oh.
15:33Boiler room, yeah.
15:34Sounds cosy.
15:35Oh, that's nice.
15:36I thought that you were teasing me.
15:37You've always teased me,
15:38even though I'm ten years older than you.
15:39And it's meant to be reversed.
15:40Tato's and Yorkshire's a bit.
15:42Yeah, yeah.
15:43I could say that you're a cocaine shovel
15:44with holes in all your socks.
15:46I'm genuinely not teasing you.
15:47I genuinely think that is a resourceful choice to make,
15:49and you're always making resourceful decisions,
15:51and I respect you.
15:52Also, like, in your own fucked up way,
15:54you're kind of a brave person.
15:56Right, guys?
15:57Also, in terms of cocaine,
15:59I don't know if this has penetrated for anyone,
16:01but I've actually been clean for, like, nearly three years now.
16:03Felix!
16:04Yeah, cool. No-one cares.
16:07Do you have space for the piano where you're living now?
16:10Why? You're getting rid of it finally.
16:11He asks me this every year, but...
16:13Swedish death, they call it.
16:15No, that's the answer.
16:16It's the act of releasing all your worldly goods
16:19before you've left the planet.
16:22It means your descendants don't have to squabble
16:25and, you know, sort through your detritus,
16:27so your children can mourn your passing
16:31without haggling with an auction house
16:33or hunting for stories.
16:35Family, could we please talk a bit about Daryl?
16:37I really like him.
16:39I may even L-O-V-E him.
16:43His eyes, they are the strangest shade of red.
16:46Oh, cool, like a vampire?
16:48No, more like a bunny.
16:49Oh, and, you know, he's a party clown,
16:51which means he's wonderful with children.
16:53Have you heard of John Wayne Gacy?
16:55Yeah, that's what that normally means.
16:56He found a bunch of baby squirrels on Long Mind
16:58and he just fed them various milks.
17:02Various milks?
17:04Of course, they're like bunny dad squirrel babies.
17:06That make fun.
17:08He could be my husband.
17:10Your brother-in-law.
17:12You love to love a lion.
17:14No?
17:15For that, we love you.
17:17Just love someone who never moves you to a bungalow.
17:21Oh, she burned.
17:22Ouch.
17:23You know, a single rabbit can have a thousand babies
17:26in her lifetime.
17:27And if it's a male one, tens of thousands more.
17:30That's why the phrase,
17:32to fuck like bunnies, has entered the lexicon.
17:35It's interesting, isn't it?
17:36You know, learning the origins of our words and phrases.
17:39Thanks, Pa.
17:40Yeah.
17:41Thanks, Pa.
17:42Mm.
17:43I feel like if she did kill herself,
17:44you'd just be, like, quoting facts over her grave.
17:46Yeah, I need a gravy sauce.
17:48I need it.
17:50Thank you so much.
17:52So, uh...
17:54You have it?
17:55Yeah.
17:56I don't understand why we have to do it out here,
17:57like, some kind of drug deal.
17:59I don't want to...
18:00I don't want to trouble your mother.
18:02She's been through a lot
18:03and worry doesn't agree with her.
18:05Her head's been aching.
18:07What are you even going to do with a thousand quid?
18:09Er...
18:10Well...
18:11Half is for bills.
18:12The other half is to start a payment plan with Jean-Philippe.
18:16Buy back the house.
18:18With 500 quid?
18:21Well, it'll show him I'm good for it, you know.
18:24But you're not good for it.
18:26Fine, look.
18:27It's not my business.
18:28I don't know what you want.
18:32It's just temporary, you know.
18:34It's, um...
18:35I'll soon get out of this little hole.
18:37We'll get the house back.
18:38You know me, Felix.
18:40I've always been a bit of a chancer.
18:42I've had plenty of success in my life.
18:45Have I paid for my parents to live through their golden years?
18:49But you lot through school?
18:51Not quite, in my case.
18:53But, er, I...
18:55I admit, I sometimes...
18:57fly a little closer to the sun,
18:59but I land on my feet.
19:01It's funny, because you always got so angry with me when I took chances.
19:04Like, when I moved to London, quit school, try to be a musician,
19:08you were livid.
19:09Ha!
19:10Yeah, well, here's the thing about chances.
19:12Um, they've got to come off.
19:14Okay.
19:16How's this one going for you?
19:19Do you know what, Pa?
19:21I sort of feel like we need to get a bit real about this.
19:24It's not like you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth.
19:27Wasn't your dad some Hungarian immigrant who delivered milk in Croydon?
19:31Who told you you were supposed to become some fucking lord?
19:35I had a dream about my father last week.
19:39It was the strangest thing.
19:41And I looked at him and I said,
19:43Henry, what are you doing here?
19:47And he stared straight back at me.
19:50And he said, Simon,
19:52don't be a servant to fortune.
19:56Okay.
19:57What the fuck does that mean?
19:59Don't live your life in search of luck.
20:02Because maybe we each get so much luck in our life
20:07and we must be grateful for the luck we have
20:10and stop hunting for more.
20:14Look, thank you for this.
20:15Thank you for the walking around money.
20:18I suppose there comes a time when every child
20:20takes over from their parent.
20:22We spent what we had on you.
20:25Now it's your turn.
20:27You're not going to ask me where I got it from?
20:30Well, I assume you didn't steal it.
20:34Nice work for my man.
21:02Oh, my man.
21:04Glorious.
21:05Oh.
21:06Hi.
21:07Okay, I'm off.
21:09Bye.
21:10Bye.
21:11Bye, sis.
21:12Bye.
21:13See ya.
21:15Bye, ma.
21:16Love you.
21:17Love you, baby.
21:19Okay.
21:20Yeah.
21:21Okay.
21:22And we have to make it perfect.
21:32What?
21:34We have tried.
21:37Okay.
21:41All right.
21:42Thanks, ma.
21:43See ya.
21:44Okay.
21:45See ya, pa.
21:47Hope so.
21:49Hello.
21:58Naughty.
22:02Someone throw a bucket of water over her.
22:05You did.
22:06Yes.
22:07When Victoria ascended the throne in 1837 and just 18,
22:12the possibility of marriage to her...
22:15Hi.
22:16Hi.
22:17Oh, my God, did you know that Queen Victoria
22:22is the reason why lesbians are legal?
22:24Other than that, her life's been a real snooze.
22:27How was your day?
22:28I feel like I'd make a really good royal, actually,
22:30because I just love sitting on tuffets and stuff.
22:35Are you all right?
22:36Yeah.
22:38No, something's wrong. What's wrong?
22:41No, I'm literally just arriving.
22:44Why are you staring at me like that? Fucking hell.
22:49What happened?
22:53Something happened. I want to know what happened.
22:54I don't want to be, like, an emotional detective.
22:56Actually, nothing's happened. I'm just, like, making a cup of tea.
23:01Okay.
23:02What the fuck are you doing?
23:05I did that because I know it's all plastic.
23:07And I'm trying to shock you.
23:09So tell me what's going on.
23:17I mean, I can tell you, but, like, if I do, there's no, like, I'm saying it.
23:20We can't go back to a time when I haven't said it to you.
23:24And maybe you don't want to know.
23:25I always want to know.
23:27I always want to know.
23:30Well, my parents don't live in that fancy house anymore.
23:36They live in, like, a weird bungalow by the airport.
23:38And sold my car this morning because my dad has, like, 70 pounds in his bank account.
23:48And then I got so, like, angry with his whole way of being that I stole it back.
23:57My sister's in her 40s.
23:58She still plays with cuddly toys.
24:00My mum's, like, constantly threatening to kill herself.
24:05They sound fun.
24:06Yeah. They're fun.
24:09Oh, fuck's sake.
24:10I'm trying to fucking tell you something.
24:12Keep fucking, like, crowding me out.
24:13I'm just trying to be nice.
24:15I'm just going to stay here, but I just want you to know that there's, like, a shaking woman in the kitchen.
24:19Because I want to help.
24:20But I'm not, um, I will give you space.
24:22And I'll just be here in the kitchen.
24:29Honey, what's wrong?
24:36I was brought up by a nanny.
24:41Because my parents were always fucking doing something.
24:46And she wasn't a very nice person, I guess.
24:56And, like, mum and dad were always, like, too wrapped up in their own shit to notice that there was, like, a...
25:08You know, like a kiddie fiddler living in the house with their children.
25:13Oh, my God.
25:17Like she molested you?
25:19Yeah, that's what kiddie fiddler means.
25:21You know, I think a babysitter did something to me once.
25:27I don't know for sure, but I always feel weird when I see this certain color of tile.
25:33What is this?
25:34Like I'm the last off now?
25:36My God, no.
25:37I'm sorry.
25:38I'm sorry.
25:39I was just...
25:40I was saying that because I'm here and I'm not scared because I'm here and I'm not scared and I see you.
25:46I'm just trying to make you feel better because I'm sorry that happened.
25:49I'm sorry that that happened.
25:51I have a very chaotic mind and you're going to start to notice.
26:00And, like, I was never really tucked in as a kid.
26:04So, like, whenever it gets dark I always get this weird feeling that, like, everyone's going to a party without me.
26:12And, I don't know, maybe that's why I'm, like, always trying to find a party or something.
26:17You were never tucked in?
26:23Huh?
26:24You were never tucked in?
26:27Okay.
26:28So, in a traditional tuck-in at my house, first I have to make you kind of a burrito.
26:34Okay.
26:35Do you feel good?
26:36Do you want your arms out?
26:37Do you want your arms out or in?
26:38Yeah, sure.
26:39Okay.
26:40And then I would do waterfalls like that.
26:45What?
26:46Does that feel nice?
26:49You have to do it seriously.
26:51Okay.
26:52Sorry.
26:53Yeah.
26:54Nice and relaxing.
26:55Yeah, that is kind of nice.
26:57It's kind of nice.
26:58No.
26:59No.
27:00What?
27:01I adore you.
27:04You drive me wild.
27:05But, honey, we're overusing the hardware.
27:07It's not about that.
27:08Not tonight, okay?
27:09Understood.
27:10And, plus, it's weird because I'm tucking you in.
27:13Okay.
27:14So, stay focused.
27:15Okay.
27:16Don't make it sexual.
27:17Yeah.
27:18Yeah, check out.
27:20Okay.
27:21And now, I'm going to sing to you.
27:23But, I'm a little bit rusty.
27:26So, I'm nervous.
27:28But, this is like my dad's favorite song that you would always sing to us, okay?
27:33Okay.
27:34Oh, a song will lift as the mainsail shifts, and the boat drifts onto the shoreline, and the sun will respect every face on the deck, the hour that the ship rolls in.
28:01And the sand will roll out a carpet of gold for your weary toes to be a touching.
28:14And the ship's wise men will remind you once again that the whole wide world is watching.
28:30I love you.
28:31I love you.
28:32I love you.
28:35I love you.
28:36I love you.
28:38I love you.
28:39corner of first and i'm a star where the west was all but one all alone smoking his last cigarette
28:56said where you been he said ask me anything where were you
29:06and all i needed was a call that never came to the corner of first and i'm a star
29:19lost and insecure you found me you found me
29:35you
29:36you
29:40you
29:42you
29:44you
29:49you
29:51you
29:53you
29:55you
29:57you
29:58you
30:00you
30:02you
30:04you
30:06you
30:08you
30:09you
30:11you
30:13you
30:15you
30:17you
30:19you
30:20you
30:22you
30:24you
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