- 7/13/2025
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00You know, she was saying some really fucked up shit to me while he was sleeping.
00:11Astrid.
00:12She was like telling me to get the fuck out of the house.
00:14I want to hang with my mama.
00:17That's really rude.
00:19You shouldn't be saying that to our guest.
00:20What else did you say?
00:22You said I was broke.
00:23You said I'm not as cool as I think I am.
00:26You said I had big waist man energy.
00:28I told you not to say that.
00:29That is so mean.
00:31She's a monster.
00:32I'm sorry.
00:34Fuck.
00:35I need to go.
00:36Oh shit.
00:37You know I could come with you.
00:38I mean the pictures of the house are so gorgeous.
00:40It's basically the estate I came here for.
00:43It's basically princess diaries.
00:45Yeah, I feel like going to parents is more of a be invited than invite yourself thing, no?
00:51Well, I thought we were kind of past that.
00:53Look, we've got time.
00:55It's just like I have stuff to sort out today.
00:59This can be boring.
01:00I guess I wish I knew what stuff it was, but I don't want to be pushy.
01:04Then don't be pushy.
01:07See you later.
01:08You're awesome.
01:10Tell your mom I said hi if she asks who you're fucking during sex.
01:14I don't know.
01:19I mean, it's not a UTI.
01:21I've had those before.
01:22Okay, yeast infection?
01:24Nope.
01:24It could be chlamydia.
01:26I don't know.
01:27You know.
01:28Okay, honey.
01:29I'm actually really busy on my land acknowledgments committee, and it's a Zoom meeting.
01:34So I'm going to just pass you on to grandma, okay?
01:37Finally.
01:37Right now, finally.
01:38Okay.
01:39Hello, honey.
01:42I hear your poom poom hurts.
01:45Wow.
01:46Word really travels fast.
01:48Is it a shallow pain or very deep on penetration?
01:52No, it's like really deep.
01:53It's like deep, deep inside of my body.
01:55Okay.
01:56Back in my time, we had a name for that.
02:00Honeymoon cystitis.
02:01What does that mean?
02:03You've overused the item.
02:05Wow.
02:07For only having sex with one person, you really know a lot.
02:09It's funny because I started our honeymoon a virgin.
02:14The first night, I was too tight.
02:17Just so nervous.
02:19The whole boat to Cuba.
02:21I couldn't do it.
02:22It was like my nunu was so shut.
02:25When we got to Cuba, we met up with our friends, Nance and Charlie.
02:31Charlie says he wants to go to this exclusive club.
02:35Moments later, before we even ordered entrees, there was this woman on stage shooting golf
02:42balls right out her puss.
02:45A tiny man was catching them in his mouth.
02:49Oh, my God.
02:52Did you, like, freak?
02:53No, I didn't freak.
02:55I thought, well, if she could shoot golf balls, I could handle one mid-sized schlong.
03:01And you know what?
03:03After that, we had an amazingly adventurous sexual life.
03:07And I got to know that woman.
03:09And I became her understudy.
03:12Okay, that's an amazing story.
03:14It's hilarious in all the right places.
03:16I just, I don't know what to do about my sore insides right now.
03:19Oh, well, you just tell your guy.
03:22I adore you.
03:24You drive me wild.
03:25But we're overusing the hardware.
03:27Look at all these other cars.
03:31Well, that looks like a piece of shit.
03:32Look at the grey one.
03:32Yeah.
03:33No, look at the grey one properly.
03:35That looks like it's worth less than this car to me.
03:38I'm doing you a favour because I like your shoes.
03:45Okay, fine.
03:46Yeah.
03:46Yeah?
03:47Grand.
03:47Yeah.
03:47Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:48Yeah.
03:49Yeah.
03:49Yeah.
03:50Yeah.
03:50Yeah.
03:51Yeah.
03:51Yeah.
03:52Yeah.
03:52Yeah.
03:53Yeah.
03:54Yeah.
03:55Yeah.
03:56Yeah.
03:57He's got long, skinny legs and holes in his pants.
04:07I love the way he sings.
04:10I've never really seen it dance.
04:13Cause it's me.
04:15I made you in my intent.
04:19If I ask you to understand.
04:23I see what I see.
04:27I see what I see.
04:30I see what I see.
04:37Oh, oh, oh, oh.
04:41Hi.
05:05I'm waiting for 40 minutes.
05:19I had to watch a bunch of schoolchildren
05:21dance into their parents' arms.
05:22It was like 1997 all over again.
05:24So dance into mine.
05:27Come on, baby.
05:31That's my little old baby.
05:35How are you?
05:37I'm all right.
05:38Don't say I get right on.
05:41Oh, my little one.
05:45OK.
06:01The dog.
06:03Yeah, right?
06:04Mm.
06:06Crazy.
06:07Yeah.
06:08She looks sick.
06:10Is she to die soon?
06:12No, she's not dying.
06:13That's just like what she looks like.
06:15She's expressing so much with her eyes.
06:19She's saying, love me well.
06:24I have to go from here or something.
06:26The dog?
06:27Yeah.
06:28Yeah.
06:29Mama, I'm showing you the picture because of the girl.
06:33What?
06:34This girl?
06:37This girl, yeah.
06:38Ah.
06:40She feels so late.
06:46She won't blow away.
06:49Yeah, OK.
06:52But I like Jacqueline's eyes.
06:54Jessica?
06:55Do you mean Jessica?
06:56I call her what makes sense to me.
06:59OK.
07:00All right.
07:03How is, uh, how's Pa doing?
07:08You know, he's focused.
07:10He's going to get us out of this.
07:13I feel like it's a bit late for that.
07:17Kind of running out of luck, don't you think?
07:20I actually feel like if he just accepted that, then you two
07:24could just get on and enjoy your lives for once.
07:26No, no, no, no, no, no, Fifi.
07:28He is my knight in shining armor.
07:35I chose him, so what choice do I have now but to believe?
07:41No, not to believe, to know.
07:47You want to stop by the old house?
07:50No, thanks.
07:50Maybe we fight back, hmm?
07:55Maybe you come live there with Nanaka, James Setter?
08:00Jessica.
08:01Ah, Jessica, maybe.
08:03Yeah.
08:04Your baby's sleeping in your old bed.
08:08You never know.
08:26Mm-hmm.
08:28There it is.
08:28I mean, it's not our house.
08:35We haven't lived there for, what, like, two years ago?
08:4014 years.
08:41OK.
08:42Shall we go?
08:43Go in.
08:44Nobody home.
08:46What the fuck?
08:47They leave the door unlocked.
08:50I mean, it's not our house.
08:52I mean, it's not our house.
08:53We haven't lived there for, what, like, two years ago?
08:5614 years.
08:57OK.
08:58You're trying to get me arrested for trespassing or something?
08:59You can't be arrested in your own home.
09:00Once you're home, always you're home.
09:01It's not how it works.
09:02That's not the law.
09:03OK.
09:04OK.
09:05Fuck it.
09:06You coming?
09:07Mm-hmm.
09:08I stay here.
09:09OK.
09:10OK.
09:11OK.
09:12Fuck it.
09:13Mm-hmm.
09:14You coming?
09:15Mm-hmm.
09:16I stay here.
09:17OK.
09:18OK.
09:19OK.
09:20OK.
09:21OK.
09:22OK.
09:23OK.
09:24You coming?
09:25Mm-hmm.
09:26Mm-hmm.
09:27I stay here.
09:28Smogadjoy.
09:29Cool.
09:30OK.
09:31Both get arrested on separate charges.
09:33All right.
09:38OK.
09:39Let's go.
10:10Not terribly bad, eh?
10:23It's amazing.
10:24I rode that in only ten minutes after Ma ran away for the weekend with Leland Fellows.
10:40I love it.
10:45What are you thinking?
10:47Huh, Fifi?
10:49Well, it's...
10:49No, no, no, don't talk.
10:51Don't tell me, darling.
10:54Please.
10:58Don't hang up.
10:59Please, Baron.
11:01Please.
11:01I love you so much.
11:04I can't promise I won't do something awful.
11:09You don't need anybody who makes you sad.
11:13How did you get so wise?
11:15My wise little boy.
11:18You know why you're here, don't you, Phoenix?
11:23I...
11:23I think so.
11:25I work hard for this life and to pay for you to attend a very fine school.
11:31And the deal is, you must at least try not to let yourself down and let me down in the process.
11:40And this, this just shows you aren't even trying.
11:53It's okay.
11:56You come in.
12:01Are you all right, Mama?
12:04Your father, he lives in his own world, so...
12:10Here I am in my own world.
12:19Mama?
12:20Pa?
12:29When do they come back?
12:31When will who come back?
12:33Pa and Mama have been gone for so long.
12:36I don't feel so well.
12:38I have a fever.
12:39Who's looking after you?
12:40Who cooks for you?
12:41Who cleans for you?
12:42Who makes your dinner?
12:44You do.
12:45And who's here when you wake up and when you go to sleep?
12:49You are.
12:51When will you get it through your head?
12:53They aren't here.
12:55Now tell me you love me.
12:59I love you.
13:01Say it again, louder.
13:03I love you.
13:05Hey.
13:05Hey, my boy.
13:13Hey, my boy.
13:27Well, I hope you're nice and hungry, Felix, because this is quite tachycardia roast.
13:35You know we're not a hired helper.
13:37Do you want to lend us a hand?
13:38She doesn't have to.
13:39Oh, thank you.
13:41Can someone, um...
13:42You are so kind.
13:43Can someone swap me here?
13:44As you know, I've got my...
13:45Ah, how are you?
13:46It's fine.
13:46The tachycardia I'm suffering from makes me dizzy sometimes.
13:50Self-diagnosed.
13:51Self-diagnosed tachycardia.
13:53Don't know what it is.
13:53The NHS has one year waiting lists, Felix.
13:58Broken fucking country.
14:00And frankly, yes, I'm going to use the internet and my best preserved organ, the pancreas.
14:11I'd rather be dead than leave here.
14:15Matasuyu, koutouyu.
14:16Hi, your Japanese is so weird.
14:18Cool dinner chat, guys.
14:19Can I just ask Ma, is that like an empty threat or are you just telling us what you're going to do?
14:22I never sleep.
14:25It's torture.
14:27The sound of the light bulbs.
14:32It'll soon be all right.
14:35Look, I'm in talks with Jack DeBove, okay?
14:38And I'm thinking of investing in a small enterprise that offers car insurance to people with heavy police records.
14:46Oh, nice.
14:47Glad to hear you're finding a way to make the world a bad place.
14:49That's perfect.
14:50He's a narcissist, you know.
14:52Yeah.
14:53Really?
14:53Yeah.
14:54That has never crossed my mind.
14:56What's that?
14:56Yeah, Randy, it's so lonely now with your girl, my only playmate.
15:02You know that?
15:03Have you thought about, like, do you know what a friend is, Ma?
15:06Can you maybe think about getting some friends?
15:07Really?
15:07Yeah, I recommend it.
15:08Honto Dayo.
15:09Oh, she's entirely devoid of friends.
15:12I'm moving out, you know.
15:14At the moment I find a job.
15:17My friend Justine has a massive boiler room.
15:19What?
15:19Did you say boiler room?
15:20Yeah.
15:20That's a euphemism.
15:21Can I even say?
15:22Please don't tell me off about this.
15:24I'm exhausted.
15:26My mind feels crispy.
15:29Like, that's resourceful.
15:30I was going to say that's, like, resourceful.
15:32Like, good for you.
15:33Boiler room, yeah.
15:35Sounds cosy.
15:36Oh, that's nice.
15:37I thought that you were teasing me.
15:38You've always teased me, even though I'm ten years older than you.
15:40And it's meant to be reversed.
15:41Tato's and Yorkshire's bit.
15:43Yeah, yeah.
15:44I could say that you're a cocaine shovel with holes in all your stuff.
15:47I'm genuinely not teasing you.
15:48I genuinely think that is a resourceful choice to make.
15:51And you're always making resourceful decisions, and I respect you.
15:54Also, like, in your own fucked up way, you're kind of a brave person.
15:58Right, guys?
15:59Also, in terms of cocaine, I don't know if this has penetrated for anyone,
16:02but I've actually been clean for, like, nearly three years now.
16:04Felix, um...
16:05Yeah, cool.
16:07No one cares.
16:08Do you have space for the piano, where you're living now?
16:11Why, you're getting rid of it, finally.
16:12He asks me this every year, but...
16:13Swedish death, they call it.
16:15No, it's the absolute problem.
16:16It's the act of releasing all your worldly goods
16:19before you've left the planet.
16:23It means your descendants don't have to squabble
16:26and, you know, sort through your detritus.
16:28So your children can mourn your passing
16:31without haggling with an auction house
16:34or hunting for stories.
16:36Family, could we please talk a bit about Daryl?
16:39I really like him.
16:41I may even...
16:43L-O-V-E him.
16:44His eyes, they are the strangest shade of red.
16:48Oh, cool, like a vampire?
16:49No, more like a bunny.
16:51Oh, and, you know, he's a party clown,
16:52which means he's wonderful with children.
16:54Have you heard of John Wayne Gacy?
16:56Yeah, that's what that normally means.
16:57He found a bunch of baby squirrels on Long Mind
17:00and he just fed them various milks.
17:04Various milks?
17:05Of course, they're like bunny-dodd squirrel babies.
17:08Don't make fun.
17:09He could be my husband.
17:11Oh, yeah.
17:12Your brother-in-law.
17:13You love to love a lion.
17:15No?
17:16For that, we love you.
17:18Just love someone who never moves you to a bungalow.
17:22Oh, she's burning.
17:23Ouch.
17:24You know, a single rabbit can have a thousand babies
17:27in her lifetime.
17:28And if it's a male one, tens of thousands more.
17:31That's why the phrase
17:33to fuck like bunnies has entered the lexicon.
17:36It's interesting, isn't it?
17:37You know, learning the origins of our words and phrases.
17:40Thanks, Pa.
17:41Yeah, thanks, Pa.
17:43I feel like if she did kill herself,
17:45you'd just be, like, quoting facts over her grave.
17:47Yeah, I need a gravy sauce.
17:49I need it.
17:51Thank you so much.
17:53So, uh, you have it?
17:56Yeah.
17:57I don't understand why we have to do it out here,
17:58like, some kind of drug deal.
18:00I don't want to...
18:01I don't want to trouble your mother.
18:03She's been through a lot and...
18:05Worry doesn't agree with her.
18:06Her head's been aching.
18:08What are you even going to do with a thousand quid?
18:10Uh, well, half is for bills.
18:14The other half is to start a payment plan with Jean-Philippe.
18:18Buy back the house.
18:21With 500 quid?
18:22Well, it'll show him I'm good for it, you know.
18:25But you're not good for it.
18:27Fine, look, it's not my business.
18:29I don't know what you want.
18:32It's just temporary, you know.
18:35It's, um...
18:36I'll soon get out of this little hole.
18:38We'll get the house back.
18:40You know me, Felix.
18:41I've always been a bit of a chancer.
18:44I've had plenty of success in my life.
18:46I've paid for my parents to live through their golden years.
18:51But you lot through school?
18:53Not quite, in my case.
18:55But, uh, I...
18:56I admit, I sometimes...
18:58fly a little closer to the sun,
19:01but I land on my feet.
19:03It's funny, because you always got so angry with me when I took chances.
19:06Like, when I moved to London, quit school,
19:08tried to be a musician, you were livid.
19:11Ha!
19:11Yeah, well, here's the thing about chances.
19:14Um, they've got to come off.
19:17OK.
19:19How's this one going for you?
19:22Do you know what, Pa?
19:23I sort of feel like we need to get a bit real about this.
19:26It's not like you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth.
19:28Wasn't your dad some Hungarian immigrant
19:30who delivered milk in Croydon?
19:33Who told you you were supposed to become some fucking lord?
19:36I had a dream about my father
19:39last week.
19:41It was the strangest thing.
19:43And I looked at him and I said,
19:45Henry,
19:46what are you doing here?
19:49And he stared straight back at me.
19:52And he said,
19:52Simon,
19:53don't be a servant to fortune.
19:57OK.
19:59What the fuck does that mean?
20:01Don't live your life in search of luck.
20:04Because maybe
20:04we each get so much luck in our life
20:08and we must
20:09be grateful for the luck we have
20:11and stop
20:12hunting for more.
20:15Look, thank you for this.
20:16Thank you
20:17for the walking around money.
20:19I suppose there comes a time
20:20when every child
20:21takes over from their parent.
20:24We spent what we had on you
20:26and now it's your turn.
20:29You're not going to ask me
20:30where I got it from?
20:33Well, I assume you didn't steal it.
20:35Nice work for my man.
21:03Glorious.
21:06Oh.
21:07Hi.
21:09Okay, I'm off.
21:10Bye.
21:12Bye, sis.
21:13Bye.
21:14See ya.
21:16Bye, ma.
21:16Bye.
21:17Love you.
21:18W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w.
21:23Okay.
21:25We all have pain.
21:30We haven't made it perfect.
21:32Hmm?
21:36But we have tried.
21:40Okay.
21:41Bye.
21:42Thanks, ma.
21:45See ya.
21:46Okay.
21:47See ya, pa.
21:48Hope so.
21:59Naughty.
21:59Someone throw a bucket of water over her.
22:05You did.
22:06Yes.
22:15Hi.
22:17Hi.
22:18Oh, my God.
22:21Did you know that Queen Victoria is the reason why lesbians are legal?
22:25Other than that, her life's been a real snooze.
22:27How was your day?
22:29I feel like I'd make a really good royal, actually, because I just love sitting on tuffets and stuff.
22:36Are you all right?
22:37Yeah.
22:39No, something's wrong.
22:40What's wrong?
22:42No, I'm literally just arriving.
22:47Why are you staring at me like that?
22:49Fucking hell.
22:50What happened?
22:53Something happened.
22:54I want to know what happened.
22:55I don't want to be like an emotional detective.
22:56Actually, nothing's happened.
22:58I'm just, like, making a cup of tea.
23:01Okay.
23:04What the fuck are you doing?
23:06I did that because I know it's all plastic.
23:08And I'm trying to shock you.
23:10So tell me what's going on.
23:17I mean, I can tell you, but, like, if I do, there's no, like, I'm saying it.
23:21We can't go back to a time when I haven't said it to you.
23:25And maybe you don't want to know.
23:26I always want to know.
23:29Well, my parents don't live in that fancy house anymore.
23:35They live in, like, they live in, like, a weird bungalow by the airport.
23:41And I sold my car this morning because my dad has, like, £70 in his bank account.
23:49And then I got so, like, angry with his whole way of being that I stole it back.
23:56Like, my sister's in her 40s.
23:59She still plays with cuddly toys.
24:01And my mum's, like, constantly threatening to kill herself.
24:05Hm.
24:06They sound fun.
24:07Yeah.
24:08They're fun.
24:09Oh, fuck's sake.
24:11I'm trying to fucking tell you something.
24:13Keep fucking, like, crowding me out.
24:14I'm just trying to be nice.
24:16I'm just going to stay here, but I just want you to know that there's, like, a shaking woman in the kitchen.
24:20Because I want to help.
24:21But I'm not, um, I will give you space.
24:23And I'll just be here in the kitchen.
24:26Honey, what's wrong?
24:39I was brought up by a nanny.
24:43Because my parents were always fucking doing something.
24:48And she wasn't a very nice person, I guess.
24:56And, like, mum and dad were always, like, too wrapped up in their own shit to notice that there was, like, a, you know, like a kiddie fiddler living in the house with their children.
25:13Oh, my God.
25:18Like she molested you?
25:20Yeah, that's what kiddie fiddler means.
25:22You know, I think a babysitter did something to me once.
25:29I don't know for sure, but I always feel weird when I see this certain colour of tile.
25:34What is this?
25:35Like, I'm the last off now?
25:36Oh, my God, no, I'm sorry.
25:39I'm sorry.
25:39I was just, I was saying that because I, I'm here and I'm not scared because I, I'm here and I'm not scared and I see you.
25:46Oh, I'm just trying to make you feel better because I, I'm sorry that happened.
25:50I'm sorry that that happened.
25:52I'm sorry that happened.
26:22You were never tucked in?
26:24Huh?
26:25You were never tucked in?
26:28Okay, so, in a traditional tuck-in at my house, first I have to make you kind of a burrito.
26:35Okay.
26:36Okay, do you feel good?
26:37Do you want your arms out?
26:38You want your arms out or in?
26:39Yeah, sure.
26:40Okay.
26:41And then I would do waterfalls like that.
26:48Is that real nice?
26:49You have to do it, seriously.
26:52Okay, sorry, yeah.
26:55Nice and relaxed.
26:56Yeah, that is kind of nice.
26:58It's kind of nice.
27:01No, no.
27:02What?
27:03I adore you.
27:05You drive me wild, but honey, we're overusing the hardware.
27:08It's not about that.
27:09Not tonight, okay?
27:11I understand.
27:11Plus, it's weird because I'm tucking you in.
27:14So, stay focused.
27:15Okay.
27:16Don't make it sexual.
27:17Yeah.
27:18Yeah, check out.
27:18Okay, and now I'm going to sing to you, but I'm a little bit rusty, so I'm nervous.
27:29But this is, like, my dad's favorite song that you would always sing to us, okay?
27:33Okay.
27:34Okay.
27:38Oh, a song will lift as the mainsail shifts, and the boat drifts unto the shoreline, and
27:52the sun will respect every face on the deck the hour that the ship rolls in, and the fan
28:05will roll out a carpet of gold for your weary toes to be a-touchin', and the ship's wise
28:17man will remind you once again, that the whole wide world is watchin'.
28:29I love you.
28:36I found God on the corner of First and Amistad, where the West
28:45was all but one, all alone, smoking his last cigarette, said, where you been, he said,
29:00ask me anything, where were you, and all I needed was a call that never came to the corner of First
29:14First and Amistad, lost and insecure.
29:21You found me.
29:23You found me.
29:24You found me.
29:44You found me.
29:45You found me.
29:46You found me.
29:47You found me.
29:48You found me.
29:49You found me.
29:50You found me.
29:51You found me.
29:52You found me.
29:53You found me.
29:54You found me.
29:55You found me.
29:56You found me.
29:57You found me.
29:58You found me.
29:59You found me.
30:00You found me.
30:01You found me.
30:02You found me.
30:03You found me.
30:04You found me.
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30:06You found me.
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