- 7/10/2025
Clarkson's Farm-S1E1
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00For many years, this has been my day job.
00:19But when the important work was over,
00:26I came home to this.
00:30It's my farm in the Cotswolds.
00:36Nestling among the ancient stone villages,
00:41it's a peaceful 1,000-acre haven of wide-open fields,
00:48brooks,
00:51waterfalls,
00:53woods,
00:55and wildflower meadows.
01:00It stretches from those trees over there on the far horizon,
01:06then it goes behind that big wood, down into the valley,
01:10and then up past here to a point a couple of miles over there.
01:13And ever since I bought it back in 2008,
01:18it's been run by a chap from the village.
01:20However, he told me a couple of months ago that he is retiring.
01:23So, I've come up with a plan.
01:27I shall farm it myself.
01:29I've never done this.
01:42Oh, bombing happening.
01:45That's as straight as a roundabout!
01:47Oh, that sign of me going up there is not happening.
01:50We're going to have a sign saying,
01:52guess who drilled this?
01:54Jeremy Caleb.
01:56Take off.
01:58Right.
01:59Let's go round up some sheep.
02:01Jeremy, you're going too fast.
02:03Oh, shit.
02:04Please stop.
02:07Come on, don't rain. Don't rain.
02:12This is global warming.
02:14And you racing about all your life in vehicles.
02:17Unbelievable horseshit.
02:19See them? They're gold pinches.
02:21Really?
02:22That actually makes me really happy.
02:25Behold!
02:26I am Moses.
02:28Oh!
02:29What the fuck are you doing up here?
02:31Here's Moses.
02:32I barely believe that I
02:37Didn't need anyone but me
02:40That's a baby.
02:42Oh!
02:44Have you looked after sheep before?
02:47I think I'm going in it saying this.
02:50No.
02:53Oh, yes.
02:56This is my wilding project.
02:59Oh, no, no, no!
03:00This is not wilding.
03:01That's damage.
03:04It's like Fortnum and Masons.
03:07It's what?
03:09Oh, my God.
03:10What have I done?
03:12Oh!
03:13Oh!
03:16Stay in your vehicle, please. Stay in your vehicle.
03:20I'm pushing 60. I've smoked three quarters of a million cigarettes.
03:24I've had pneumonia. If I get it...
03:26Yeah, there's not a lot of hope.
03:27Oh, Lord of hope.
03:31Oh, shit.
03:33Shit, shit.
03:36Wayne Rooney's dead.
03:40And this is the moment.
03:42The moment.
03:53You missed a bit.
03:55Where?
03:56In the mirror.
03:58No, I didn't.
03:59You did.
04:00No, I didn't.
04:01You did.
04:03All that is to come, but right now, it's time to start my first job.
04:13The biggest, most important job of them all.
04:16Planting wheat and barley in all the big fields, like this one.
04:21How do you do that?
04:24No idea.
04:25Literally.
04:26Honestly, I have absolutely no clue.
04:29All I do know is, it's going to involve some tractoring.
04:50Obviously, to do tractoring, I'd need a tractor.
04:58So, on day one, I set off to my local dealership.
05:05Quite like this one, look. The Super Major.
05:10There are worse names.
05:14As I'm familiar with stuff that has four wheels and an engine,
05:17I should have been at home here, but I wasn't.
05:21So, I sought advice from the dealership's owner, Patrick Edwards.
05:26How much is this?
05:287,500.
05:29That is what we specialise in.
05:31You've got an engine at the front.
05:32Yeah.
05:33You've got a gearbox and a back axle.
05:35No suspension, no fancy electronics.
05:38There's nothing to go wrong that we can't mend.
05:41What horsepower's that got?
05:4245 horsepower.
05:44It's a bit feeble.
05:45Well, it fed the country.
05:47Yeah, no, but people didn't eat very much in those days.
05:50Um...
05:52What's the most power...
05:53What's that got, horsepower-wise?
05:55Well, that would be about 65 horsepower.
05:58Is that the most powerful one here?
06:00Yes. Yeah.
06:0165 horsepower?
06:02Yes.
06:07I then took one of his restored tractors for a test drive.
06:12Oh, it begins!
06:15Let's open it up.
06:28Having finished my test drive, I made a decision.
06:31And bought this.
06:32This is a Lamborghini R8.
06:45Oh, my God!
06:47This thing is enormous!
06:49Everything about it is just vast.
06:51It weighs 10 tons.
06:55I have 40 forwards gears and 40 reverse gears.
07:03I mean, I know that little Massey Ferguson was very sweet, but come on!
07:10Okay, and here we are at the farm.
07:12Oh, hello.
07:17Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
07:24Oh, shit.
07:28Right.
07:34First up with an opinion was my girlfriend, Lisa.
07:38That's too big.
07:39It isn't.
07:41It isn't.
07:42The shed's too...
07:43Enormous.
07:44...little.
07:47Ah!
07:48Here's someone who does know about farming.
07:51It's Charlie Ireland now.
07:52He's my sort of land agent.
07:54He knows what's needed and when it's needed.
07:58He'll be guiding me over the coming year.
08:01Jeremy, hello.
08:02Very well, thanks. How are you?
08:04It's quite large.
08:06Um...
08:08Come on, it's a good tractor.
08:11It's got the wrong hitch on.
08:13What?
08:15That's a European hitch.
08:17What's the matter? I got it from Germany.
08:19You may well have done.
08:21So I can't attach anything to the back of this?
08:23Not at the moment.
08:25But it is a big tractor.
08:27I think it's a vast tractor up here.
08:30But too big?
08:32Yes.
08:34Charlie then sat me down to explain just how expensive it would be to get my crops in the ground.
08:41So you've got a tractor, albeit too big.
08:44You then need some implements to go on the back of it.
08:48So the tractor at 40.
08:50What else do you need?
08:52A cultivator.
08:5320,000 to 25,000.
08:55A new drill, probably 40,000 to 50,000.
08:5960,000 for a sprayer.
09:02And you haven't got a trailer.
09:0410,000.
09:06Those are 62,000.
09:08About 35,000.
09:10Same in fertiliser.
09:12So we're about two...
09:14We're a quarter of a million.
09:15Quarter of a million pounds.
09:16And that's just, you know, the sort of the backbone of the equipment you want.
09:19No, no, I'm sorry. I'm just going to say it's a quarter of a million pounds.
09:21A quarter of a million pounds.
09:24So we can either do it two ways.
09:26We're going to get some new equipment.
09:28Or we can probably do it the sensible way and get some good second-hand machinery that's lower value.
09:33Yeah.
09:34There's a couple of farm sales coming up.
09:36Okay, so we'll go to a farm sale?
09:38Yeah.
09:39So, a few days later, on a beautiful Cotswolds morning, I fired up the checkbook and went shopping.
10:00Charlie had provided me with a list of what to buy.
10:03But it might as well have been in Arabic.
10:10No idea what that is.
10:15No idea.
10:19What the hell is that? I mean, what is everything?
10:22It's like a medieval funfair, this.
10:25Hundreds of different ways of killing yourself.
10:27There are apparently 20 times more deaths among people working in agriculture than there are in all the other sectors combined.
10:3820 times more.
10:40And when you see equipment like this, you can see why you're alone, you're in a field.
10:44You fall in there.
10:46And then you're just sort of fed into your own field.
10:53I see. Right. I think I've worked this one out.
10:54You attach it to the tractor here.
10:58Then you slip.
11:00And that scrapes your arm off.
11:02And then the other ones scrape your arm into the ground.
11:06Greetings.
11:08Are you a farmer?
11:09No, no.
11:10I'm a forester.
11:12Really good way of chopping your arm off in forestry.
11:15Oh, you actually haven't got any fingers.
11:18I can't believe it.
11:20You've seen this?
11:22Works in forestry.
11:24Yeah.
11:26This is a thing of beauty.
11:28Button back drain on three piece sweet.
11:32Oh, yes.
11:35Soon the fields started to fill up.
11:39And the auction buzz was building.
11:43He's just showing off. Look at me. Still got an arm.
11:48Amazon have said they want as much diversity in this show as we can possibly manage.
11:53And I think we're doing well, because if you look, there's every different type of white 60-year-old men here.
12:02Right. We have a great line-up of arable kit and grassland kit.
12:07To make sure I didn't rip myself off, Charlie had also provided a handy price guide for each bit of kit.
12:15I need lot three here.
12:18Good price would be six and a half.
12:20Bad price would be 13.
12:22So, Berlin CLM cultivator.
12:25That £1,000 CLM.
12:27That £1,000 I'm bid.
12:29That £1,000.
12:30Under the watchful gaze of a man who seemed to have had an argument with a threshing machine,
12:36I started bidding.
12:38£1,000.
12:40£1,000.
12:41£1,000.
12:42£1,000 I'm bid.
12:43£2,000 I'm bid.
12:44£2,000.
12:45£2,000.
12:46£2,000.
12:47£2,000.
12:48£2,000.
12:49£3,000.
12:50£3,000.
12:51£3,000.
12:52Your bid, sir.
12:53£6,000.
12:55£6,000.
12:57That was good.
12:58See, we were told £6,500 was a good price.
13:01We've just got that for £3,950.
13:06On we go, lot 33.
13:08It's a Bonford double seven hedge cutter.
13:11£2,900.
13:13I did go a bit over on some of my other purchases.
13:17Your bid, sir.
13:18OK, so I was told not to go above £3,600 and I've gone to £5,100.
13:24Here we go, then. Bid's on left.
13:27But at the end of the sale...
13:28At £4,200 I'm bid.
13:31At £2,600.
13:32I had everything I needed.
13:35Your bid, sir. £6,11, the buyer.
13:41Having spent £82,000 on equipment...
13:45...and £2 on office furniture...
13:49My next job, according to Charlie, was to go through the timetable...
13:54...for getting the crops in the ground.
13:58So I've worked out a cropping plant.
14:00And this is what we're putting in this year?
14:01This is what I think we should put in.
14:03This is, we've got to get the winter barley all the way along there.
14:06So the winter barley, that's all the way along here.
14:07All the way along here.
14:08So that's got to be done now, and the wheat here has got to be done now.
14:12Yep.
14:13So it's 235 acres, we've got all this...
14:15And then we've got the 200 acres of spring barley to prepare for.
14:18So we've got to get cultivation, get sprayed off, cultivations and drilling...
14:24In...?
14:25In under two weeks.
14:29OK.
14:30The problem is, if we don't drill the winter barley then, the yield will start dropping off.
14:34We need lots of seeds in the ground to get those going.
14:37So we've got quite a lot to do.
14:40OK.
14:41And then there's the biggest challenge, is you've got...
14:44We've got to learn how to, you know, you've got to learn how to do it.
14:48Yeah, no, but I mean...
14:49Because, you know, there's an old saying that I've got, you know, well sown is half grown.
14:55So if the crop is planted well, then actually you're halfway there.
14:59So the biggest risk factor is, you know...
15:02Not planting it properly.
15:03Not planting it properly.
15:04Not planting it properly.
15:05Right.
15:06And we haven't mentioned the other factor.
15:09We all get weather.
15:10If the weather's rubbish, we just have to sit there...
15:13So the soil needs to be dry?
15:15The soil needs to be, you know, in good condition.
15:18Lorry.
15:19There's a lorry arrived.
15:23What have we got?
15:24We've got fertiliser.
15:25Yeah.
15:26Come in here and seed in this one.
15:29So I need to move the tractor.
15:33Yeah.
15:34Then the forklift's in here.
15:36Yeah.
15:37So we'll get that going.
15:45I should have got a smaller tractor.
16:04I reckon these guys are going to get itchy in a minute.
16:06Just as I was about to get started, cheerful Charlie delivered a little bundle of government red tape.
16:20We've got some hay in there.
16:21Yeah.
16:22So we need to move the hay.
16:23So you can't store a combustible, such as hay, straw or anything like that, with fertiliser.
16:27The two mix quite well, so you've got an oxidising engine.
16:30Why not?
16:31Why not?
16:32Well, because...
16:33Hay doesn't spontaneously combust.
16:34Well, it might do in the presence of fertiliser.
16:36Why?
16:37Really?
16:38We're not allowed to.
16:40It's breaching the fertiliser industry assurance standard rules.
16:43So the government has an opinion on what I store my fertiliser next to?
16:48In fairness, it's quite a sensible one.
16:54Within our working week, we've got to build in the, you know, the regulations and rules that we have to comply by.
17:00Some of those rules are a little bit challenging, but, you know, they're there for a reason.
17:06Farming is a patient game.
17:09And given that he's, you know, not the world's most patient man...
17:13Fucking useless.
17:14You know, that will be a real test.
17:17Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
17:29For fuck's sake.
17:33Eventually, the hay...
17:37...and everything else that might suddenly explode was taken out of the shed.
17:41And much to the relief of the delivery drivers, I could finally start unloading.
17:48Oh, look at this. Look at this.
17:52Oh-ho-ho!
17:56Backwards.
18:02Excellent.
18:05Cheers, mate. That's brilliant.
18:06Do you want to pull forward so I can get the seed off?
18:10There's, er, 46 more bags on here for you.
18:13What?
18:15Yep. It's all for you.
18:17All the way back.
18:19Are you kidding?
18:24This is all for you.
18:26I know, he just said.
18:27I know, he just said.
18:32Despite a couple of small accidents...
18:37Oh, shit.
18:40...I had all the fertiliser and the seed unloaded in just five hours.
18:45This was it?
18:46Yeah.
18:47One of those.
18:49One of those.
18:50Sixteen and a half tonnes.
18:51That's right.
18:53There you go.
18:54Many thanks for your patience.
18:55No problem.
18:56It was my first day, so I wasn't quite as quick as...
18:59...I perhaps will be one day.
19:01Now I have these seed and fertiliser, I was finally ready to start farming.
19:18And with Charlie's tight timetable looming over me, I had to learn my way around the equipment quickly.
19:34So, once the correct hitch had been fitted to the tractor, I sprang into action.
19:47I assumed the answer to the question of how I'd join everything together lay in the cab.
20:02However...
20:04Three buttons there, I don't know what they do.
20:07No, no, don't know.
20:09No.
20:11No.
20:13Buttons here, don't know.
20:15No.
20:16And then...
20:17Oh, God, look.
20:20There was only one thing for it.
20:22Call my local branch of the National Farmers Union and ask for help.
20:27Yeah, that'd be perfect. Thanks.
20:29That's good. My union representative's coming over.
20:32Erm, to give me some help.
20:35I'll go and light the brazier.
20:40Instead of Arthur Scargill, however,
20:43they sent Georgia Craig.
20:46I'll be honest, I'm not the most practical man.
20:49Are you good with tractors?
20:51Yeah.
20:52But this is the only tractor you've got?
20:54Well, yeah.
20:55Yeah.
20:56Okay.
20:57Well, what's wrong with it?
20:58It's just a...
20:59It's quite big.
21:01Everyone says it's too big.
21:03So, what made you choose it?
21:04It's a Lamborghini.
21:05I'll get it done more quickly.
21:07Right, okay.
21:08So, what's the problem?
21:10Honestly, truthfully,
21:12I don't really know how the tractor works.
21:15I can drive it, but I can't operate it.
21:18It's got three gear levers.
21:19Yeah.
21:20Two brake pedals.
21:22And...
21:23I don't know, 8,000 buttons.
21:25Okay.
21:26Some of which are in German.
21:28Okay.
21:29Lesson one was learning how to attach the tractor to something called a cultivator.
21:35Hold it, hold it there.
21:39Argh!
21:41Put a door couch there.
21:43It's the last time I'm coming out of there forwards.
21:46The first thing I'm noticing is that pin is down, so you want to have both pins up.
21:50Can I go in there?
21:51I would turn the engine off and then pull the pin up, just to be safe.
21:55We're back up the ladder again.
21:56Yeah.
22:00Right, so...
22:01Pull that pin up.
22:04So, what we're going to do is lift the link arms up.
22:07Right, so I'll start the engine.
22:08Yep.
22:09Back up the ladder.
22:11Don't do that.
22:12Sit in it.
22:21Right.
22:22No, can I kick that one?
22:23It's just slight look.
22:24No.
22:25No, no, don't kick it.
22:26Do it inside.
22:27Back up the ladder.
22:32Has it holder there?
22:33Can I operate it from in here and see if that's worked?
22:36No, because they might come flying up.
22:39That's what you say.
22:43Okay, so you're nearly on.
22:44You just need to come back a tiny little bit and then they'll go on.
22:47Yeah, but it's literally a millimetre.
22:48Yeah.
22:49You only need a little bit.
22:50Back up the ladder again.
22:52Fucking hell.
22:55That's it.
22:56Right.
22:57Turn the engine off and then we'll do it from out here.
23:00Okay, I'm going to operate it from in here.
23:02I don't care what she says.
23:04Ha-ha!
23:05No!
23:06Oh, shit.
23:07You did it.
23:08Yes!
23:09I did it.
23:10I just couldn't be bothered to come down the ladder again.
23:15With the cultivator attached, we headed out to a nearby field so Georgia could teach me how to use it.
23:22And what it did.
23:24The idea is that we're just loosening the top, the sort of friable surface of the soil.
23:30So we'd loosen it up now, jiggle it up a bit.
23:32Yeah.
23:33So when we put the seeds in using the driller, they're into good loosened up soil.
23:37Yeah.
23:39And so began my first driving lesson for 42 years.
23:44First gear?
23:45Yep.
23:46Low?
23:47Yep.
23:48Let's farm.
23:53Look at that.
23:54I'm farming.
24:00I'm doing it!
24:04Look at the difference already.
24:05You can see where you've cultivated.
24:08Right.
24:09Let's go a little bit faster because we always want to get that soil to bubble up.
24:13Speed up a bit.
24:17And that soil is like boiling, isn't it?
24:19Like a soil boil.
24:21It's amazing.
24:23So before you turn, you're going to lift up and then we're going to just do a three-point turn.
24:30Let's do it.
24:32Good turn.
24:38Going down.
24:42Do you like cruising in your Lambo?
24:44Oh, come on.
24:45It's a pretty good tractor.
24:46Too big.
24:47Isn't too big.
24:48It is.
24:50I was very much enjoying farming, so I decided to pull over and enjoy it some more.
24:58With a ploughman's.
25:00What cheese is this?
25:02Cheddar.
25:03Do you want to pick a lily?
25:04Mm.
25:08I think you're ready to go on your own.
25:10Cultivating.
25:11Really?
25:12How do you get your own feel for it?
25:13Flying solo on day one.
25:16Mm.
25:17I'm actually doing farming.
25:19Which is not how I've...
25:20That's what you wanted to do.
25:21I've never... I know.
25:23And Howard, the previous farmer, said, I'm jacking it in.
25:26And I just thought, I'll do it.
25:29And everybody said, you're stupid.
25:31You're literally...
25:32That's the stupidest thing ever.
25:33You'll never be able to do it.
25:35And now you are.
25:36I'm actually doing farming.
25:42Look at that now.
25:44That's beautiful, isn't it?
25:46Perfect.
25:48I like that tractor.
25:50I like that tractor.
25:51I shouldn't have been mean about it to start with.
25:53No.
25:54I was probably just jealous.
26:05The next morning, I was up early.
26:08Excited about going solo.
26:11This is not a bad commute, you know.
26:16This isn't.
26:18Forging a path through the dew
26:20on a beautiful, beautiful autumn morning.
26:33Oh, look at that view.
26:34Oh.
26:40Oh.
26:46Lower cultivator.
26:47Cultivator lowered.
26:54Farming happening.
27:04Look at my seagulls.
27:07There are thousands of them.
27:10Ha!
27:11I wonder if seagulls can hear tractors from 70 miles away.
27:15They must be able to.
27:18It was a wonderful, happy day.
27:21Third gear.
27:22Nice.
27:24In fact, the only irritation was having to faff about,
27:27turning round at the end of every run.
27:30So I came up with a better idea.
27:41Right.
27:42Here's my plan.
27:43It's a good one.
27:44I'm not going to do one of those three-point turns and then come back alongside the bits I've just done.
27:49I'm going to do a series of U-turns like that.
27:54And then, come back on the bits I haven't done.
27:59And it'll all fit together.
28:01Right, ready?
28:02Up she comes.
28:04Go on full lock.
28:06And then, drop it back down.
28:14Oh, yeah.
28:16I just have to stay parallel with that bit I've already done over there.
28:21And then, I'll...
28:22Yes.
28:23Sadly, though, this turned out to be harder than I thought.
28:35Oh, God, I've not done this right.
28:37Yeah, look what I've done.
28:40I made a mess.
28:43I'm going to have to co-op it again.
28:45Jeremy Clarkson, he can't even drive in a straight line.
28:54There's a bit over there as well.
28:57Oh, Jesus.
29:01I was wasting a lot of fuel doing unnecessary runs and time.
29:07Time which I couldn't afford.
29:10I had to get this field done and all the others.
29:15That's 435 acres in less than 14 days.
29:22And all I'd managed to do on the first day was 10 acres.
29:28Oh, I've made the total haul-ups of this.
29:36I realised that I needed help.
29:39So, I called Caleb Cooper,
29:42the tractor driver who'd worked for the previous farmer.
29:46I'm in a muddle.
29:48I'm in a proper, proper muddle.
29:50Because...
29:51Well, I mean, you've farmed this farm, haven't you?
29:52Yeah, I've farmed this farm for three years.
29:54Three years, is it?
29:55Yeah.
29:56Well, I've been nearly 24 hours,
29:59and all I've managed to do is cultivate 10 acres of...
30:03Is that Bury Hill South?
30:0510 acres?
30:06Hmm.
30:07And some of it went a bit wrong.
30:10Erm...
30:11When you've done it in the past, how long did it take to cultivate?
30:14So, that would probably take me a good week,
30:17but that's long hours to do the whole farm.
30:20I don't mind long hours, but a week.
30:23A week.
30:24And that was just the cultivating.
30:27We'd then have to plant the seeds using something called a drill.
30:31And how long would that take?
30:33It's a bit longer, because a...
30:36What drill have you got?
30:39A...
30:40A red one.
30:42A red one?
30:43It's...
30:44It's coloured...
30:45It's red...
30:46Or is it orange?
30:47It's reddy-orange.
30:48Reddy-orange.
30:49So, what else do you do apart from this?
30:51So, I've got my own contracting business on the side,
30:53Caleb Cooper's Contracting Services.
30:55I've also got a 1.5-tonne digger.
30:58I do general digger work, such as burying pipes,
31:01water pipes, digging footings.
31:03So, you're quite practical.
31:04Yeah, I've also...
31:05Animals?
31:06I've also got 50 head of sheep.
31:08I normally try and do five pigs a year to fatten up,
31:12for sausages, pork chops.
31:14I've also got about 120 chickens at the minute on the farm.
31:18I sell the eggs locally.
31:20How old are you?
31:22I'm 21.
31:24What?
31:2521.
31:26You're making me feel pathetic.
31:28I'm 59, I haven't done any of that.
31:30So, what's your plan?
31:32So, we've got...
31:33This has been drawn up by Charlie Island.
31:36Yeah.
31:37We've got Winter Wheaton, Bury Hills Southend.
31:39Yeah.
31:40Do you know what that one's called?
31:41Laos, you do.
31:42What's this one called, then?
31:43Er...
31:44Near Brussela.
31:45Yeah, this one.
31:46Dead Man.
31:47Do you know the names of all the fields?
31:48Yeah, I know the names of all the fields.
31:49We'll see.
31:50Aerodrone.
31:51Coming down is Downs Ground.
31:54Coming down after that is Big Ground.
31:57Coming after that is Banks.
31:59And then Spitaway, Taylors.
32:01Down and down the road here is...
32:04Near Brussela.
32:05Mm-hmm.
32:06Far Brussela.
32:07How did you know this?
32:08Well, I've spent three years in each field,
32:11spraying, drilling, cultivating.
32:13You were a local man, then?
32:14Yeah.
32:15Chippy, born and bred.
32:16Chippy Norton School?
32:17Never left the place.
32:18Well, you've never left it?
32:19No.
32:20Been to London?
32:21No.
32:22Oh, once on an art trip.
32:23I stayed in the coach.
32:25Didn't like it.
32:26Too many people.
32:29Banbury?
32:30Banbury at a push.
32:33I asked if I needed something desperately.
32:35But otherwise you're happy.
32:36Chippy Norton.
32:37Chippy Norton, Chadlington, Heathrop.
32:38That's pretty much...
32:39Yeah, that's me.
32:40You sound like just the saving grace.
32:42Almost as though God himself has beat you down.
32:44Good.
32:45Let's go see the tractor.
32:47Wow!
32:49Lamborghini!
32:50I know.
32:56With Caleb and I operating in shifts,
32:59the pace picked up.
33:03And it needed to because, as Charlie kept reminding me,
33:07time was money.
33:09If I can get all my winter barley planted,
33:14by October the 7th,
33:15I can expect next year a yield of around about
33:18three and a half tonnes an acre.
33:21But if it rains,
33:23or the tractor breaks down and I'm late,
33:26even by so much as a few days,
33:28that yield would drop to perhaps two tonnes an acre.
33:33A tonne and a half down per acre.
33:36And each tonne is 120 pounds,
33:37so over 100 acres,
33:40I'd be losing 18,000 pounds.
33:43Caleb reckoned, however, that if we kept up this pace,
33:52we could have all 435 acres planted by the deadline of October the 7th.
34:02Bottom field is complete.
34:04Yes, you mighty tractor!
34:08However, just three days into our labours...
34:23When the rain did eventually slacken,
34:2548 frustrating hours later,
34:28I ventured out again.
34:31But I didn't get far.
34:34Right, the bolt has come out of there,
34:37and that bolt's come out and turned the other way round,
34:40which means these discs are turning,
34:42which means I'm just creating a little mud mountain.
34:45Come on.
35:01Come on.
35:05That's just jammed.
35:10Good.
35:11I don't grab the bolt.
35:15Right, so the lug's done, that's done,
35:16so this is working again now.
35:18Yep, it's all back up together.
35:20But it's raining.
35:22The roller on the back here will pack up with mud,
35:25and then you'll just be skimming on the top,
35:27and it's hard work to get it unblocked.
35:33Of the 400 acres we needed to tackle,
35:37we'd only managed 150.
35:40Right, well, that's alarming,
35:42because I now have...
35:46I've got nine days.
35:49I've got nine days to do all those fields down there,
35:53and that means I've got to cultivate them
35:56and drill it,
35:58and I've got nine days,
36:00and the weather forecast says
36:01it's going to be raining for the next seven of them.
36:04Why don't farmers all have coronaries?
36:16As predicted, the rain continued to fall for the rest of the week.
36:25But eventually, the sun did come out,
36:28so finally we could start cultivating again.
36:33It doesn't matter where I'm going.
36:42Not going. I'm not moving.
36:44Come on. I've got no drive.
36:46Right, what have I forgotten?
36:47Let's have a look.
36:52What's going on?
36:54All in fucking German.
36:56We've got no book with that, have we?
36:58It's all right. Google translate.
37:01Page not found.
37:03Argh!
37:05Is there anyone we can call?
37:07Well, that's why I'm trying to find Duke's fire dealer,
37:09the nearest one to call down.
37:11PHONE RINGS
37:13Hello?
37:14Hi, Peter.
37:16Hello.
37:17Hi, it's Jeremy Clarkson over in Chipping Norton.
37:19Starts, put it in gear,
37:21and then let the clutch in.
37:23I would start with your brake fluid reservoir.
37:27So it's either low,
37:29or it's having a bit of a hissy fit with a level sensor.
37:34Right, reservoirs.
37:36This is now Italian.
37:41Now, wait, wait, wait.
37:43Good news, this is in French.
37:45Never been to France.
37:47That can't be brakes now.
37:48That's all to do with the hydraulics on this.
37:51No.
37:52We need a book, don't we?
37:53Yes, but we haven't got one.
37:55I mean, I've got thousands of books.
37:56Have you got a book?
37:58No.
37:59Any books?
38:00No.
38:01Have you not got a book?
38:02No.
38:03Yeah, but how do you read hundreds and hundreds of books?
38:05What?
38:06How do you read them all?
38:07Have you got hundreds of them?
38:08You can't read all of them, sure.
38:09Yes, no, I've read thousands of books.
38:10Oh, I didn't do that.
38:12Have you had a haircut?
38:13Yeah, I have.
38:14Trying them all.
38:15What?
38:16I'm trying all different haircuts.
38:17Why?
38:18Until I get older.
38:19You know, because I'm going to lose all my hair.
38:20Really?
38:21The next thing I'm going to perm it.
38:24Good luck with that.
38:26How many hairstyles have you had?
38:27I've gone from long, top and side, top.
38:31About five in the last, what?
38:33Probably.
38:34Have you had a Filoki?
38:35What's that?
38:36Human League.
38:37Long and one side short and the other.
38:38No, no, not about that.
38:39Okay.
38:40Anyway, can we just get back?
38:41Yeah.
38:42Can we just stop talking about your hairdressing?
38:43You brought it up.
38:44Yeah, I just wanted to know,
38:46because I was making conversation while you found a break reservoir.
38:49Why?
38:50Fucking boy tractor in the UK, not in Germany.
38:53You'd be all right.
38:55Despite much ferreting, we couldn't find the source of the problem.
39:01Fuck!
39:05Right.
39:06That's it.
39:07Cup of tea then.
39:08Yet another day of no farming.
39:10Yeah.
39:13We could grease up.
39:17Oh.
39:20You look at me like that.
39:27You mean grease all the nipples?
39:29Yeah.
39:30Yeah, grease the nipples.
39:31Right, we've got an hour.
39:32We can grease nipples.
39:38The following day, mercifully,
39:40we were able to get back to work.
39:44Okay, I'm slightly embarrassed this morning,
39:46because the tractor wasn't actually broken.
39:49There's a lever down here
39:50which had got knocked somehow into neutral,
39:53which is why it wouldn't set off.
39:55And that means I lost an entire afternoon's farming
39:58because this tractor is...
40:01complicated.
40:02As a result of everything, there was now no hope
40:09of hitting Charlie's deadlines.
40:17We were miles behind with the cultivating
40:19and we hadn't even started planting the seeds.
40:22The situation now, I'd call it desperate.
40:30Please don't rain.
40:33Please don't rain.
40:38And back at base, an even bigger issue was developing.
40:41Shit, that is a really big problem, isn't it?
40:42Yeah.
40:43See, what's happened is,
40:44it's the bag of seed.
40:45We've had it for such a long time now
40:46not being able to get it in the ground
40:47because of the rain,
40:48which has been going underneath the...
40:50well, the wall of the barn,
40:51and the seed has actually started to grow in the bag.
40:56So we can't...
40:57you can't feed that into the drill, can we?
40:58No.
40:59If you look underneath, it's just a carpet, a root.
41:01Fuck.
41:17We needed to get the remaining seeds in the ground
41:19as quickly as possible.
41:21Madam!
41:23Even if that meant planting them in fields
41:25that hadn't been cultivated.
41:29First, though, I had to get to grips
41:31with the fearsomely complicated seed drill,
41:34which turned out to be neither red nor orange.
41:39So as we go along, there are nine of these on the...
41:41Yeah.
41:42That splits, it creates a little mound.
41:44That's it, yeah.
41:45And then the seed comes down here, two seeds.
41:48One goes to the left-hand side.
41:50That's it.
41:51And one goes to the right and is planted...
41:53Like that.
41:54A couple of inches down?
41:55Yeah, apart, yeah.
41:56It's machine-gunning the ground.
41:58Yeah!
41:59With goodness and nutrients.
42:02A lot to take in, so are you listening?
42:04Are you ready?
42:05Yeah.
42:06Yeah?
42:07Main menu.
42:08Yeah.
42:09Right.
42:10Rate.
42:11We're going on at 220 per kg per hectare.
42:14This is your fan speed, all right?
42:16So in a minute, when I turn the fan on,
42:17that's going to come with a number.
42:18You want it running about 4,000.
42:20This is your trams.
42:21So every eighth time you pick it up,
42:25it's going to put a tram line in.
42:27So we're off the tram line.
42:28So what do you mean we're off the tram line?
42:30So, right, we're starting the field.
42:32From last field, we're set out at eight.
42:34So this field...
42:35Eight what?
42:36Eight tram line.
42:37So what that means...
42:38Caleb, I've lost complete...
42:40I don't know what you were doing 30 seconds ago.
42:42Right.
42:43I reckon you could drop a cruise missile on Damascus
42:47more easily than you could get that drill
42:49to plant some seeds along there.
42:52After baffling me for a bit longer,
42:56Caleb and I switched seats,
42:58and we got cracking.
43:00Here we go.
43:01And...
43:02Drilling.
43:05Drilling an uncultivated field like this
43:07would mean less yield and therefore less profit
43:10at the end of the year.
43:12But for complicated reasons to do with carbon in the soil,
43:17it is kinder to the environment.
43:19Greta Thunberg likes this.
43:22Yeah.
43:23I don't know who that is, but yeah.
43:25Keep going, keep going, keep going.
43:28It'll be dead straight.
43:29Because when you start growing,
43:31you're going to have lines like this if you're not careful.
43:33And people driving up and down the main road will see it.
43:36Exactly.
43:37But I'm just going to have a big sign at the end of it
43:39saying, Caleb did this.
43:40Whoa!
43:43You missed a bit.
43:45Where?
43:46In the mirror.
43:47No, I didn't.
43:48You did.
43:49Well, they're not going to see that from the main road, are they?
43:51Most probably.
43:52Everyone will pick up on everything.
43:54Guarantee, if you make a cock up in the middle of nowhere,
43:56someone's going to see it.
43:58They'll go into the pub and go,
44:00you see that bit he missed over in coordinates of this, this, this?
44:04They will.
44:05They'll get the coordinates off that place
44:06and they'll tell everyone.
44:08I do it.
44:09I do it.
44:10Once he thought I'd got the hang of it,
44:12Caleb went off to look after his own farming stuff,
44:16leaving me all alone.
44:21I'm solo.
44:22Solo drilling.
44:23So Jeremy's out drilling, which is actually one of the most complicated parts of getting crops established.
44:36So what he's doing, he's going up and down the field.
44:40So the seed is being planted in rows behind the seed drill.
44:45And then the drill will shut off.
44:51It will leave two undrilled sections, which are called tramlines.
44:59We use those tramlines as a guide,
45:02so that when the sprayer goes up between them,
45:05we're putting on the right amount of spray,
45:07putting on the right amount of fertiliser,
45:09and hence, it's all mathematically laid out.
45:12So it's a pretty critical part of the operation.
45:17Oh, shit. Oh, wrong button. That's the problem.
45:20There it is, and there we are.
45:23A lot more complicated than cultivating, this is.
45:26A lot more.
45:32Soon, I wanted to sit in the sun, having another picnic.
45:36But I was beginning to understand that in farming,
45:39you really do have to make hay while the sun shines.
45:45How many more ups and downs have I got to do in this field,
45:48and will I get it done before the sun set?
45:51What have we got?
45:52One, two...
45:54About 30 more, perhaps?
45:56Yeah.
45:57If I'm going to do 30 more ups and downs,
45:59and it's now a quarter to five,
46:01I'm going to be doing this with my headlights on.
46:04In order to speed things up,
46:07I once again decided to replace the annoying three-point turns
46:13with my much faster sweeping manoeuvre.
46:18And...
46:19Here we go.
46:21Yes, look at that.
46:22Yes, look at that.
46:26It's just me and my drill and my Lamborghini.
46:36Dropping and seeding.
46:41What a beautiful evening in the Cotswolds.
46:45However, when Caleb came back,
46:48the evening mood took a bit of a downturn.
46:52What have you been doing?
46:54What?
46:56What do you mean?
46:57What have you been doing?
46:58Going up and down.
46:59Going up and down like this?
47:00No.
47:01I went up and then across like that.
47:03What did I say at the start?
47:05You said, don't do that, but I couldn't see why.
47:09Oh, that sign of me going up there is not happening.
47:11We're going to have a sign saying,
47:12guess who drilled this?
47:14Jeremy Caleb.
47:16Well, what's the matter with that?
47:18I said, every eighth time, you're putting a tram line in.
47:21Your tram lines are going to be everywhere.
47:22Down here, you're going to have tram line, tram line, tram line, tram line, tram line,
47:25every three metres.
47:27On this bit here, you're going to have no tram lines.
47:30When I come to spray it and fertilise it,
47:32how do I know where to drive?
47:35Guess.
47:37I don't know.
47:38I don't know what I'm doing in there.
47:39I'll do it properly now, or is it too late?
47:41Oh, it's too late.
47:42You're pretty much screwed.
47:45And you haven't even drilled it straight.
47:47What do you mean I haven't drilled it straight?
47:51That's as straight as a roundabout!
47:54Well, it's because it started off bent there by the head,
47:57so it's still bent here.
47:58It wasn't that bent, though, was it?
48:00I didn't know about the eighth thing.
48:02You didn't say you must do that because if you don't...
48:04I did tell you that.
48:05I couldn't understand what you were on about.
48:06It was country speak.
48:07Oh, everyone is going to see this.
48:12That's a main road there.
48:13Yes, I know, but I've learned my lesson now.
48:15I won't do it again.
48:16Have you not seen TV episodes and stuff like that?
48:18Are people drilling?
48:19Oh, he's going up and down.
48:20No, I haven't watched that.
48:24I'll buy you a drink later and you'll feel better.
48:26I'm in so much trouble.
48:40The next day, there was even more trouble.
48:44Most of the oilseed rape fields planted earlier by the previous farmer were fine.
48:49So we've got a nice raise of rape, which has come up really well.
48:52Yeah.
48:54But in one...
48:55Why isn't it growing?
48:57The flea beetle got hold of it.
48:59So...
49:00What?
49:01Where is the further up there?
49:03No, sorry.
49:05This has been planted?
49:06This has been planted.
49:07Well, where's the rape gone?
49:08Well, it's failed.
49:10It's gone.
49:11We might find the odd plant in the middle, but I'll show you what's happened.
49:14What do you mean?
49:15The whole field's failed.
49:16Yeah, just the little black beetle have come in and they've just foraged it.
49:21The whole bloody lot?
49:22Yeah.
49:23All four hectares.
49:24Ten acres of it.
49:27You know, there comes a point...
49:28Oh...
49:29That, um, you know...
49:30There is no...
49:31There's...
49:32I just...
49:34Well, this is a beetle.
49:35Yeah.
49:36Well, why can't we kill it?
49:38Well, neonicotinoids are, you know, seed coatings were banned in Europe.
49:42Well, so we can't use them.
49:43We can't use them.
49:44I mean, this is...
49:45How many...
49:46What's the typical yield?
49:47So, there's about 12 tonnes.
49:48So, there's, um...
49:49There's about £4,000 worth of loss.
49:52£4,000?
49:53Yeah.
49:54Just gone because of a beetle?
49:55Just gone, yeah.
49:56And the EU won't let...
49:57Won't let me kill the beetle?
49:58Well, you know, we've just got to work within the rules.
50:01We are working within the rules and an entire field is dead.
50:05Yeah.
50:08I figured, as I climbed back on my tractor, that things couldn't get any worse.
50:16But I was wrong.
50:18Very wrong.
50:23The next day, it started to rain again.
50:25And this time, it didn't really stop for the next six weeks.
50:30Across the country, warnings remain in place for severe weather.
50:40Risk of flooding, risk of transport disruption.
50:44Torrential rain, a month's worth in a day.
50:47There's a Y here at its highest level since records began.
50:51Clearly unprecedented.
50:53The Met Office says presents a danger to life.
50:57And caused havoc not seen for almost a century.
51:00For British farmers, the autumn of 2019 was Armageddon.
51:09My farm is 700 feet above sea level, and the brashy soil drains well.
51:15But even it had become a quagmire.
51:17And planting seeds in ground like this is impossible.
51:31I used to whirl away my evening hours reading car magazines.
51:34But not anymore.
51:35Nowadays, it's Farmers Weekly and it's Farmers Guardian.
51:38And all they're talking about is the rain.
51:41The unbelievable levels of rain that we've been having.
51:44Look, deluge disaster. Biblical.
51:47And inside, that's the only topic of conversation as far as I can work out.
51:51That's all there is.
51:52Just rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain, rain.
51:56Farm sacrificed to protect homes from rising flood water.
51:59Worst autumn leaves winter crops undrilled.
52:01This poor guy hasn't planted a single thing.
52:04Can't plant anything. It's too wet.
52:08Look at that poor sod.
52:10Look at that for a farmer. What's he gonna do?
52:15Everyone is saying to me,
52:16you couldn't have picked a worse year to start farming.
52:21You couldn't. This is unbelievable weather.
52:23Unbelievable.
52:28Oh, God.
52:38Have you looked after sheep before?
52:43No.
52:44Here they come!
52:45No, no, no, no, no.
52:47Oh, God.
52:48Oh, God.
52:49Oh, God.
52:50Oh, God.
52:51Oh, God.
52:52Oh, God.
52:53Oh, God.
52:54Oh, God.
52:55Oh, God.
52:56Oh, God.
52:57Oh, God.
52:58Oh, God.
52:59Oh, God.
53:00Oh, God.
53:01Oh, God.
53:02Oh, God.
53:03Oh, God.
53:04Oh, God.
53:05Oh, God.
53:06Oh, God.
53:07Oh, God.
53:08Oh, God.
53:09Oh, God.
53:10Oh, God.
53:11Oh, God.
53:12Oh, God.
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52:32
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