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  • 7/7/2025

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00:02:01Yes!
00:02:03Nighttime.
00:02:04So, now I'm going to wake up my flatmates.
00:02:09I really love living in a flatting situation.
00:02:11Wake up! Wake up everyone!
00:02:14I like to hang out with other vampires.
00:02:18I like to accompany.
00:02:21Awaken! Awakey, wakey!
00:02:25I just really like having a good time with my friends.
00:02:29Beacon. Hi. Hey, Beacon.
00:02:34How was your night last night?
00:02:37I transformed into a dog and had sex.
00:02:41Cool!
00:02:42We're going to have a little flat meeting in the kitchen in about 15 minutes.
00:02:46Okay?
00:02:47Okay.
00:02:48Okay.
00:02:49Should I close this?
00:02:50Yes.
00:02:51I'm sorry.
00:02:52I'm sorry.
00:02:53What?
00:02:54Hey.
00:02:55What time is it?
00:02:56Um, we're going to have a flat meeting in about 10 minutes.
00:03:0820.
00:03:09Okay.
00:03:10Is it...
00:03:11So, uh, in Peter's room, I'm just going to wake him up.
00:03:30Peter.
00:03:49Peter.
00:03:50Peter.
00:03:51Peter, I can't.
00:03:57Hey, listen.
00:04:01We're just having a flat meeting upstairs in about 10 minutes.
00:04:05You don't have to come, but I thought I'd extend an invitation to you just in case.
00:04:10Um...
00:04:11There's a lot of stuff on the floor down here, Peter.
00:04:14And, like, these things...
00:04:16I don't...
00:04:17Oh, it's a spinal column.
00:04:19Yeah.
00:04:20And I was thinking maybe I should just bring a broom down here for you if you wanted to sweep
00:04:25up some of the skeletons.
00:04:27I don't know.
00:04:28You know...
00:04:29Okay.
00:04:30I got you this chicken.
00:04:32Is Peter coming?
00:04:33Shall we be great?
00:04:34Peter's 8,000 years old.
00:04:35We're not going to have Peter at the meeting.
00:04:36Okay, so...
00:04:37I wanted to have a quick chat about flat responsibilities because, uh, guys, I think that we're not all
00:04:42pulling our weight here.
00:04:43We're not just pointing the finger at you, Deacon.
00:04:44You're a cool guy, but you're not pulling your weight in the flat.
00:04:49Well, I'm glad to hear that I'm cool.
00:04:51No, that's not the point, though.
00:04:52Yeah.
00:04:53Not the flat meeting about how cool you are.
00:04:54I do my flat shows.
00:04:55I do my flat shows.
00:04:56Oh, I'm glad to hear that I'm cool.
00:04:57Pointing the finger at you, Deacon, you're a cool guy, but you're not pulling your weight in the flat.
00:05:03Oh, I'm glad to hear that I'm cool.
00:05:07No, that's not the point, though. Yeah, no, I know.
00:05:09Not the flat meeting about how cool you are. I do my flat chores.
00:05:13No, you don't. Yes, I do.
00:05:14No, you don't. That's why we're having the flat meeting.
00:05:16The point is, Deacon, that you have not done the dishes for five years.
00:05:19Vladislav is right.
00:05:20It's unacceptable to have so many bloody dishes all over this bench like that.
00:05:25I'm so embarrassed when people come over here.
00:05:27What does it matter? You bring them over, you kill them. Vampires don't do dishes.
00:05:32Deacon's like the rebellious young vampire. He's always doing crazy things, saying crazy things.
00:05:40He's just like the young bad boy of the group.
00:05:44Okay, so one day I was selling my wares, and I walked past this old creepy castle,
00:05:54and I look at it and think, very old and creepy.
00:05:59And then this creature flies at me.
00:06:02It dragged me back to this dark dungeon and bit into my neck.
00:06:08And just at the point of death, this creature forced me to suck its foul blood.
00:06:15And then it opened its wings like this and hovered above me, screeching.
00:06:23Now you are vampire.
00:06:27And it was Peter.
00:06:30And we're still friends today.
00:06:34Vlad, you were great.
00:06:36You put out the recycling, which was really cool.
00:06:39And the other day, I dragged the man's body down the hallway and noticed that there was no dust.
00:06:47I kind of swept the hallway.
00:06:51Vladislav is just like this older vampire who grew up in the medieval times,
00:06:57and, you know, to be living this long and to see the things that he's seen,
00:07:03and still, like, kind of have it together.
00:07:06I mean, hats off to him.
00:07:09Vladislav!
00:07:10Sorry.
00:07:12He's a really great guy.
00:07:14A bit of a pervert.
00:07:16He has some pretty old ideas about things.
00:07:20We should get some slaves.
00:07:22When I first became a vampire, I was quite tyrannical.
00:07:27I was known for torturing a lot of people.
00:07:34This is my torture chamber.
00:07:36I don't come in here often anymore.
00:07:40I tended to torture when I was in a bad place.
00:07:44My thing was I would poke someone with implements.
00:07:49I was known as Vladislav the Boger.
00:07:55It's been like this the whole time, okay, so...
00:07:58Viago is a little pedantic.
00:08:01The washing and the rubbish.
00:08:03I did that deacon on dishes, and it still hasn't moved in five years.
00:08:07He was an 18th century dandy, so he can be very fussy.
00:08:13Nags and nags.
00:08:14I went in the lounge yesterday, and there was blood all over my nice antique...
00:08:19couch.
00:08:20Which one?
00:08:21The red one?
00:08:22Well, it's red now, yeah.
00:08:23If you're going to eat a victim on my nice green couch, put down some newspaper on the floor
00:08:28and some towels.
00:08:29It's not hard to do.
00:08:30We're vampires.
00:08:31We don't put down towels.
00:08:33Some vampires do.
00:08:35We're not serious ones.
00:08:38When you get the four vampires in a flat, obviously there's going to be a lot of tension.
00:08:44There's tension in any, any flatting situation.
00:08:48It's settled then.
00:08:49We'll all do our jobs, starting with a certain deacon.
00:08:52I will do my dishes!
00:08:54I don't want to do that!
00:08:55I don't want to do that!
00:08:56Shh!
00:08:57Shh!
00:08:58Shh!
00:08:59Shh!
00:09:01Shh!
00:09:02Shh!
00:09:11Shh!
00:09:14Shh!
00:09:15Shh!
00:09:16This bullshit.
00:09:17Don't sing if you want to live long
00:09:45They have no use for your song
00:09:48You're dead, you're dead, you're dead
00:09:51You're dead and out of this world
00:09:53I became a vampire when I was 16
00:09:59And that is why I always looked 16
00:10:01In those days, of course, life was tough for a 16-year-old
00:10:06You'll never get a second chance
00:10:09Plan all your moves in advance
00:10:12Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead
00:10:15Stay dead and out of this world
00:10:17Vampires have had a pretty bad rap
00:10:20We're not these mopey old creatures who live in castles
00:10:24And most of us are, a lot are
00:10:27But they're also those of us who like to flat together
00:10:30In really small countries like New Zealand
00:10:33Don't ever talk with your eyes
00:10:35Be sure that you compromise
00:10:37You're dead, you're dead, you're dead
00:10:41You're dead and out of this world
00:10:43I was a Nazi vampire
00:10:46After the war, which the Nazis lost
00:10:55I don't know if you know that the Nazis lost that war
00:11:00If you were a Nazi after the war
00:11:02And if you were a vampire
00:11:05And if you were a Nazi vampire
00:11:10No way
00:11:12I was out of there
00:11:14Long gone, long gone, long gone
00:11:16Long gone, long gone
00:11:17And out of this world
00:11:19When you smile and it tears your face
00:11:34It's time for the inhuman race
00:11:37You're down, you're down, you're down
00:11:40You're down and out of this world
00:11:42Yeah, I came to this country for love
00:12:01There was a girl, human girl
00:12:05And I thought she was fantastic
00:12:09She was absolutely amazing
00:12:12I was smitten
00:12:13Her family emigrated to New Zealand
00:12:16And I thought, you know what
00:12:20To hell with it, I'm going to go
00:12:22I'm going to chase her and tell her how I feel
00:12:24I told my servant, Philip
00:12:26Send me to New Zealand
00:12:28He put the wrong postage on my coffin
00:12:32So the whole journey took about 18 months
00:12:35And when I got here
00:12:38She had found someone else
00:12:41She had fallen in love
00:12:44And she was married
00:12:48She gave me this before she left
00:13:02There she is
00:13:05That's me, I put myself in there too
00:13:09She told me it was pure silver
00:13:13Unfortunately, we vampires cannot wear silver
00:13:18It's about as long as I can wear that
00:13:32Yeah
00:13:41It's about as long as I can wear that
00:13:45Tonight we are going out into Wellington Central
00:14:14It's true
00:14:15It's important that we look good
00:14:17Yeah, it's really good
00:14:18Yeah, I like it
00:14:19One of the unfortunate things about not having a reflection is that you don't know exactly what you look like
00:14:25Ooh, look
00:14:27Look, a ghost cap floating all by itself
00:14:33We can give each other feedback and help each other out until we're looking great
00:14:38Yeah, some of our clothes are from victims
00:14:41Yeah, some of our clothes are from victims
00:14:42You might bite someone and then you think
00:14:44Ooh, those are some nice pants
00:14:46Do with these
00:14:47No, change it
00:14:48When you're a vampire you become very sexy
00:14:51We are trying to attract victims to us
00:14:58Not sure about the waistcoat
00:14:59I go for a look which I call dead but delicious
00:15:02We are the bait but we are also the trap
00:15:07Hello, ladies
00:15:08And voila, we are ready to go into town and party
00:15:34Vampire style
00:15:36Vampire style
00:15:41When we go into town we must try to blend in
00:15:48We started walking yesterday
00:15:49Coming into town, it's really cool because just for one brief moment I feel
00:15:55Almost
00:15:57The trouble with being a vampire is you have to be invited in to go in
00:16:08Like coming to the bar, please
00:16:10Invite us into the bar, please
00:16:12Invite us in
00:16:16If the humans found out that we were, they would destroy us
00:16:20There are between 60 and 70 vampires in the greater Wellington region
00:16:27Jolie
00:16:29Hello
00:16:30He's a guy I used to work with when I was human
00:16:33Gone?
00:16:34Yeah, he's gone
00:16:35I've been drowning him all night
00:16:36I've been a very thirsty girl
00:16:38Being bitten as a little boy or a little girl
00:16:41You're always going to look the same age
00:16:43What are you doing tonight?
00:16:44Are you going to kill some perverts?
00:16:45Yeah, we're meeting a pedophile
00:16:46Go
00:16:47Go
00:16:48Okay, let's just go to Big Kumara
00:16:50Have a good night
00:16:51Yeah, have a good night
00:16:52Big Kumara is a vampire owned and operated
00:16:54And so we can always get in
00:16:56It's the hottest night spot for vampires in Wellington
00:16:59Come on guys, come on
00:17:01Thank you
00:17:02Thanks
00:17:11Perhaps you could bring some people to the house
00:17:13Sure
00:17:14Perhaps some virgins
00:17:16Virgins, yep
00:17:17Okay
00:17:18Any kind of preference in terms of gender or
00:17:20Maybe some ladies
00:17:22Yep, ladies
00:17:23Perhaps a guy
00:17:25One of each
00:17:26One of each would be cool
00:17:28My relationship with Deakin is
00:17:30Well, I'm his familiar, he's my master
00:17:33He tells me what to do, I do it
00:17:36We have that kind of master-servant relationship which works nicely actually
00:17:42Hello
00:17:43Hello
00:17:44It's a little bit of blood
00:17:45My husband, he's a haemophiliac
00:17:47You know, someone that bleeds a lot
00:17:49Yep
00:17:50Any kind of age range?
00:17:51Young
00:17:52But not, not kids?
00:17:54Not kids
00:17:55Okay
00:17:5618 to 30?
00:17:57Definitely younger than yourself
00:17:59Okay
00:18:00So 18 to 30?
00:18:01Great
00:18:02So it's a dinner party
00:18:03I'll be there
00:18:04Yes
00:18:05Dinner party
00:18:06The guys will be there
00:18:07We'll all be there
00:18:08We'll dress up
00:18:09Okay, great
00:18:10And then eat them
00:18:11Okay
00:18:12It should be fun
00:18:13Great
00:18:14Talk about the
00:18:15Do you know of a night dentist?
00:18:17Because I have this thing here
00:18:19I was just wondering if we can talk about the deal?
00:18:22Hmm?
00:18:23The deal?
00:18:24The dishes?
00:18:25No, the, you know, the deal
00:18:27The deal is that he is going to give me eternal life
00:18:31Which is very exciting
00:18:36Well, I just feel like I've kind of reached my potential and I wouldn't want to kind of get any older before
00:18:40I just feel like I'm the best version of myself that I can be
00:18:43It's just that it's been four and a half years and I just, I just, but it's doing your pot plants and doing your dry cleaning
00:18:48I'm now doing your dishes and I'm doing, you know, I'm just wondering
00:18:50And the dentist
00:18:51And the dentist
00:18:52And it's just taking an awful long time, so I was just wondering if I could find it
00:18:54Be gone
00:18:55Okay
00:18:56I'll see you later
00:18:57Okay
00:18:58One of the most unfortunate things about being a vampire is that you have to drink human blood
00:19:16I like to make a real evening of it
00:19:18Lovely
00:19:19Play some music, maybe give them some nice wine
00:19:23It's their last moment alive, so why not make it a nice experience?
00:19:27So, tell me what you do, what do you
00:19:33I'm thinking about going to uni actually
00:19:35Oh you are?
00:19:40University, yeah
00:19:42Yeah
00:19:43Yeah, but after that I'm going to travel
00:19:45Yeah
00:19:46Really wanted to go overseas for ages, so I'm saving up and I'm going to go to Spain and Italy and London and yeah
00:19:55Okay
00:19:57Okay
00:19:58Excuse me
00:19:59Just put that there
00:20:00Okay
00:20:01Excuse me
00:20:02Just put that there
00:20:03Here we go
00:20:06Shit
00:20:16Shit
00:20:17Well that didn't go so great
00:20:27I hit the main artery
00:20:30So yeah, it's a real mess in there
00:20:34On the upside, I think she had a really good time
00:20:47So it's quite late and I've managed to find a woman up watching television and she seems like she'd be a good victim
00:21:08I'm just going to use hypnosis on her
00:21:13See me
00:21:15See me
00:21:20She can't, she can't see me from that angle
00:21:23Vladislav used to be extremely powerful
00:21:26He could hypnotize crowds of people
00:21:28Great orgies, 20, 30 women
00:21:31He could turn into all sorts of animals, but now he never gets the faces right
00:21:35He would kill anybody, men, women, children, burning, everything, it's totally great
00:21:43But he suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of his arch-nemesis, the beast
00:21:51And he's never been the same
00:22:01See me
00:22:02See me
00:22:03See me
00:22:04See me
00:22:05See me
00:22:06See me
00:22:07See me
00:22:08See me
00:22:09See me
00:22:10See me
00:22:11Would you like to come inside?
00:22:14See me
00:22:15See me
00:22:16See me
00:22:17See me
00:22:18See me
00:22:19See me
00:22:20See me
00:22:21See me
00:22:22See me
00:22:23See me
00:22:24See me
00:22:25See me
00:22:26See me
00:22:27See me
00:22:28See me
00:22:29See me
00:22:30See you
00:22:35See me
00:22:37See me
00:22:38See me
00:22:39See me
00:22:40See me
00:22:41See you
00:22:43All right
00:22:43Jackie, welcome
00:22:45Hello
00:22:46Come in
00:22:48This is Nick
00:22:49andmente
00:22:52this is Deacon my overseas friend from Europe
00:22:54Deacon and his friends need victims
00:22:56victims. Hi, please come here and welcome. They can't be people that I actually invest in or like
00:23:06because of course they will become victims. Hi, Josephine? No, I sat next to you in English,
00:23:12remember? You used to call me the Jacksonist. No, you did. No, you did. Yeah. No, you started that.
00:23:20You were the one that started calling me that and then it kind of caught on. Yeah. Okay,
00:23:25bye, bye, then. Bye. She's in. Do you like technique? Yeah. I will go and prepare dinner.
00:23:44Nick, are you a virgin at all? What? Doesn't seem like... Are you a virgin? Yes. No.
00:23:54You were a virgin when we were seeing each other? Yeah, I was 12. You said he was a virgin. I think
00:23:59we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool. I think of it like this. If you were going to eat
00:24:06a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it. Let's concentrate on
00:24:13Josephine then. Are you a virgin? I'm not, no. Okay, I'm really sorry because I totally pinned her as a
00:24:21virgin. She looks like a virgin. She talks like a virgin. I mean, who would have sex with
00:24:26her? I wouldn't. I would.
00:24:28Nick, do you like baschetti? Uh, yeah, usually like it. But be better if it was warm.
00:24:43So this is my favorite trick. We present our guests with a plate of baschetti. And then
00:24:50I will say, why don't you eat some baschetti? Please, Nick, eat some baschetti. I didn't
00:24:58realize you enjoyed eating worms, Nick. No, no. They are worms. There's worms wiggling around
00:25:06at my plate. It's just really baschetti. We stole that idea from the lost boys. But
00:25:12I put a nice twist on it. Nick, how does it feel to have a snake for a penis?
00:25:20Jackie, my penis has disappeared. There's a cobra's snake. No one's going to mistake your
00:25:24penis for a cobra neck. Okay, I believe you, Nick. No, it is just a normal penis. I'm out.
00:25:30I'm out. Josephine, you would like baschetti? Look, look, this freaks. I'll bite my spaghetti,
00:25:40make my cock turn into a snake. It's not cool. Not cool. You don't think this is weird?
00:25:52Fuck's sake, sir.
00:26:00Jackie! Jackie! Sorry, Nick. What are you doing? Jackie!
00:26:09See it! See it!
00:26:16Fuck off!
00:26:44Where am I?
00:26:49Where am I?
00:26:51Fuck off!
00:27:09Fuck off!
00:27:13Fuck off!
00:27:16Fuck off!
00:27:20Shit!
00:27:26Break!
00:27:30Fuck off!
00:27:31Fuck off!
00:27:32Fuck off!
00:27:33Fuck off!
00:27:34Fuck off!
00:27:35Fuck off!
00:27:36Fuck off!
00:27:37Fuck off!
00:27:38Fuck off!
00:27:39Oh no!
00:27:40Peter got him!
00:27:42Poor guy!
00:27:43Who let Peter out?
00:27:45Well, Peter out!
00:27:46What?
00:27:48What?
00:27:50What?
00:27:53What?
00:27:54What?
00:27:55What?
00:27:56What?
00:27:58What?
00:28:29Hey guys.
00:28:48Hey, what are you guys doing?
00:28:50What are you doing, Nick?
00:28:52Coming to the house.
00:28:55Hi, my name is Nick.
00:28:56Hey guys.
00:28:56I've been a vampire for two months.
00:29:00Probably, I reckon, the best thing about being a vampire is flying.
00:29:04Like, I've always wanted to, I think everyone's always wanted to fly, and now I can do it.
00:29:14No.
00:29:18Nick, why don't you use the front door?
00:29:22Why would I?
00:29:23I'm flying.
00:29:23Peter bit me.
00:29:25Sucked all my blood out.
00:29:27I woke up in his basement and he offered me some blood.
00:29:30I just thought it was something, some German thing that these guys do.
00:29:34The transition into becoming a vampire was pretty hard.
00:29:37I looked like shit to start off with.
00:29:39Like, I had a massive gash in my neck.
00:29:41Like, you could see the inside of my neck had blood all over my top.
00:29:46And then I came home and I was sweating.
00:29:48I was either really hot or really cold.
00:29:50It was like a hangover times 10, I reckon.
00:29:52It was really bad.
00:29:52It was quite similar to having the flu.
00:30:02Except the only difference would probably be that my eyes bled heaps.
00:30:08Are you guys not cold?
00:30:10I don't know, I can't really explain it.
00:30:11Like, it's just, yeah, just real hot and cold and, like, bloody eyes and flying and stuff.
00:30:16The neighbours can see you flying around the house.
00:30:18You want to draw attention to this house, hmm?
00:30:20You've got a whole documentary crew following you around.
00:30:23I'm doing an erotic dance for my friends and you ruined it.
00:30:26I was in the zone.
00:30:27My friends are loving it.
00:30:28I love it.
00:30:29I saw the end of it.
00:30:29It looked great.
00:30:30I don't know if I'm accepted yet, but I don't know.
00:30:34I think it's getting there.
00:30:36I know they're old and stuff, but they're quite naive when it comes to the real world.
00:30:40So, I don't know.
00:30:41I'd be cool to just hang out with them.
00:30:43They can teach me some stuff.
00:30:44I can probably teach them a few things.
00:30:50At the start, I was like, oh, no, like, I'm dead.
00:30:58It's kind of affected my friendship with normal people, my family and stuff.
00:31:02But, the way I see it, I've got a whole new family.
00:31:04They accept me for who I am and I accept them for who they are.
00:31:07Back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back.
00:31:09Even though one of them killed me.
00:31:12Where shall we go tonight?
00:31:13We'll go to the big corner.
00:31:14Why don't we go to Boogie Wonderland?
00:31:15We never get into Boogie Wonderland.
00:31:17He's not about it.
00:31:18My friend Rich is a bouncer.
00:31:19He can get us in.
00:31:20What? Really?
00:31:20He'll invite us in.
00:31:22Stu's king.
00:31:23Stu loves it.
00:31:23Cool, that's too.
00:31:25This is my friend Stu.
00:31:27Hey, he works in computers and stuff.
00:31:29Originally, he went out with my sister, and then they broke up.
00:31:33I don't really get into it.
00:31:34It's not got nothing to do with me.
00:31:35And, um, he can't hear me.
00:31:40So basically, Stu doesn't know that I'm a vampire.
00:31:44And he doesn't know that my friends are vampires.
00:31:46He just thinks that I've met some colourful friends.
00:31:49This is Jasmine.
00:31:50I brought him around to the house, and I thought I'd bought, like, a meal for everyone.
00:31:55Just like, it really, really sucks that I can't eat him.
00:31:59I just want to, like, look at it.
00:32:03He's the reddest guy I know.
00:32:05All right, you can hear me.
00:32:08Oh, yeah, like computer-based stuff, eh?
00:32:10Mainly.
00:32:10Yeah, yeah, right.
00:32:11Geo-databases.
00:32:12Yeah, yeah, like computers, mainly.
00:32:15Let's have a vote for Boogie Wonderland on the Big Coomera.
00:32:19Big Coomera!
00:32:22All right, great.
00:32:25Careful, Stu, hurry up.
00:32:26I don't think Nick should have been turned into a vampire.
00:32:31He's such a big.
00:32:34How are you, brother?
00:32:35Looking great, man.
00:32:35Gentlemen.
00:32:36You are most welcome.
00:32:37We're in Boogie Wonderland.
00:32:48So, here we are at Boogie Wonderland, and it is so much fun.
00:32:54They have an electric store.
00:32:56This is amazing!
00:32:57I'm just so happy to be here.
00:33:00This place is pretty cheesy.
00:33:01Also, did you see the jacket he wore?
00:33:04He's wearing the same jacket as me.
00:33:06It's not exactly the same.
00:33:08It's pretty close.
00:33:11I'm just loving being a vampire player.
00:33:18Over there is a bit of the fat ladies' arms.
00:33:26On Wednesdays, they do like a Fair Factor competition.
00:33:29You can win like T-shirts and hats and spot prizes.
00:33:32I can smell werewolves.
00:33:35We're just about to walk past a werewolf, so some shit might go down.
00:33:39Look out, guys.
00:33:39Don't catch fleas.
00:33:41What's that, mate?
00:33:42Sorry, what?
00:33:43Keep going.
00:33:43Keep walking.
00:33:44What have we heard of, mate?
00:33:45We've got sensitive hearing.
00:33:46Have you?
00:33:46Yeah.
00:33:47What are you filming?
00:33:48It's a music video, is it?
00:33:49We don't want any trouble.
00:33:51I do.
00:33:52Why did you start it?
00:33:52Have I got your hackles up, huh?
00:33:54Why don't you go smell your own crutches, huh?
00:33:57What are you talking about?
00:33:58We don't smell our own crutches.
00:34:00We smell each other's crutches, and it's a form of greeting.
00:34:03You're on camera, mate.
00:34:04Don't do it.
00:34:05What?
00:34:05It's okay, because I know this guy.
00:34:07It's Count Fagula.
00:34:09Hey, hey, hey.
00:34:10Don't swear.
00:34:11Sorry, they...
00:34:12We're werewolves.
00:34:13What are we?
00:34:14Werewolves, not swears.
00:34:16No, it's lit.
00:34:17It's a very offensive word to call people.
00:34:19It's offensive, but I've got a swear word.
00:34:20Well, unless you're talking about a bundle of sticks.
00:34:22Jeez, this bundle of sticks.
00:34:24Werewolves.
00:34:24Don't get it.
00:34:25No, no, no.
00:34:25It's not real.
00:34:26Nathan, it's not real.
00:34:27He's just going to take off his gloves.
00:34:28All right.
00:34:29Oh, shit.
00:34:30Man, what the fuck you do that for?
00:34:31Hey.
00:34:32Don't swear.
00:34:33We're going to lose it.
00:34:33We're going to lose it.
00:34:34Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:34:35Hey, calm down.
00:34:36Calm down.
00:34:36Oh, shit, I still got my glasses.
00:34:37Down.
00:34:37Down.
00:34:38Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:34:39Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:34:40Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:34:41Sorry.
00:34:41Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:34:43Hey, hey, hey.
00:34:43Hey, hey, hey.
00:34:44Do the breathing.
00:34:44Do the breathing.
00:34:45Do the breathing.
00:34:46Count to 10, mate.
00:34:47Count to 10.
00:34:47Come on.
00:34:48Human again.
00:34:48Hold it.
00:34:49Count to 10.
00:34:50Human again.
00:34:5010.
00:34:51It's all right.
00:34:52It's not full moon.
00:34:52Thanks a lot, guys.
00:34:54Enjoy your night.
00:34:55Shame yourselves, man.
00:34:56Great.
00:34:56We didn't want this to happen.
00:35:04Come on, guys.
00:35:05Hey, say it.
00:35:06Don't spray it, bitch.
00:35:08Why are you swearing all the time?
00:35:10Are you right with me?
00:35:11Well, they're actually werewolves.
00:35:13Yeah.
00:35:13Are you OK, Stu?
00:35:17I just don't really know how to approach this
00:35:20because I've never done it before.
00:35:21Um, and he was a good friend.
00:35:24And I don't want to, I don't want to break that friendship.
00:35:27But then again, what do you do when someone tells you
00:35:30that they're a vampire?
00:35:33I'm expecting him to be angry.
00:35:35He might be scared.
00:35:36I'm expecting a lot of things to bubble to the surface.
00:35:39You probably notice there's been, I've been going through
00:35:42a few changes lately.
00:35:45Yeah.
00:35:46Yeah?
00:35:47Yeah.
00:35:48Like, I don't show up for lunch anymore.
00:35:51Yeah.
00:35:52And how I've changed all our tennis games
00:35:55to nighttime tennis games.
00:35:57Right.
00:35:58And how you went from beating me every time
00:36:01and how I've won the last three.
00:36:05Yeah.
00:36:06So, the reason I brought you here
00:36:09is to tell you that I'm a vampire.
00:36:18Stu took it pretty well.
00:36:20He's definitely my best mate
00:36:21and I'm not going to eat him.
00:36:23If they ever offer you spaghetti,
00:36:24um, you shouldn't eat it.
00:36:28I think they often eat biscotti.
00:36:30Vampire mates don't eat human mates.
00:36:33And no matter how much I wanted to eat him,
00:36:35I would never eat him
00:36:36because he's my mate.
00:36:37Hey, Stu.
00:36:38Yeah.
00:36:39Yeah.
00:36:43Stu is great.
00:36:46We really like him.
00:36:47At first, I wanted to kill him.
00:36:50But now, I'm glad I spent the time to get to know him.
00:36:54Yeah, of course, he looks delicious
00:36:56with his big red cheeks.
00:36:58But we've all got an agreement
00:36:59that we're not going to eat Stu, right?
00:37:03Right.
00:37:03The guys upstairs, they're loving him.
00:37:07At the start, they were a bit,
00:37:08oh, who's this human you bring into the house?
00:37:10But it took them literally two minutes
00:37:12and they like him more than they like me, I reckon.
00:37:15I am letting a scarf first you.
00:37:17Try and attack.
00:37:19Here's your legs.
00:37:21Wow.
00:37:22Step back and block.
00:37:23Hi.
00:37:24Okay, I'm punching high.
00:37:26Yep.
00:37:27Hi.
00:37:28Yep.
00:37:28I'm just, what I'm trying to say is,
00:37:31because I know that you,
00:37:32you turned me into a vampire.
00:37:34Maybe don't do that to him.
00:37:36He's a vegetarian.
00:37:38The last thing he'd want to do
00:37:39is eat a live being
00:37:40or eat blood or eat meat.
00:37:43I am controlling the earth.
00:37:44Get it, get it.
00:37:45It's quite amazing to see
00:37:46how far technology can go forward
00:37:49if you're not paying attention.
00:37:53One message received.
00:37:59There is a crucifix behind you.
00:38:01So down on that one,
00:38:03like halfway down,
00:38:04we'll focus it,
00:38:05maybe smile.
00:38:05Gloria, Gloria,
00:38:09living.
00:38:10Anything you want to find,
00:38:12you write,
00:38:14you write.
00:38:14I lost a really nice silk scarf
00:38:18in about 1912.
00:38:20Yes, now Google it.
00:38:21Stu is the first human friend
00:38:24that I've had for a long time.
00:38:26With humans,
00:38:27there's a tendency to die.
00:38:28Yeah.
00:38:31We can look at her photos.
00:38:33Oh, yes.
00:38:34Or we could poke her.
00:38:38Yes.
00:38:39Can we see a movie of a sunrise?
00:38:43Oh, shit.
00:38:44Oh, nice.
00:38:46If we push images,
00:38:47then we can see pictures of virgins.
00:38:50Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:38:51Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:38:52I don't think she's a virgin
00:38:56if she's doing that.
00:39:11There he is, yeah.
00:39:13This is my old servant, Philip.
00:39:15So we're going to call him.
00:39:17Yeah.
00:39:17My God, that's him, that's him,
00:39:26that's Philip, that's Philip.
00:39:28He looks so...
00:39:28Meister!
00:39:30Grüß dich, Meister, Viaro.
00:39:33So lange her.
00:39:35Du hast dich gar nicht verändert.
00:39:38Sag mir.
00:39:39Hast du Kathrin gesehen?
00:39:41Ah, es gibt keine Eile.
00:39:44Du weißt, Liebe ist geduldig.
00:39:46Hör mal, Philip,
00:39:48du hast das falsche Proto
00:39:50auf die Box gezahlt.
00:39:52Was?
00:39:53Ja, für den Sag.
00:39:55Du hast falsch bezahlt
00:39:56und es hat ganz lange gedauert,
00:39:58um hier anzukommen.
00:39:59Ma, Meister,
00:40:01du hast mir versprochen,
00:40:03mich in einen Vampir zu verwandeln.
00:40:05Jetzt bin ich schon 90.
00:40:07Du hast es versprochen,
00:40:09ich bin so alt.
00:40:10Ja, also, es war ganz toll,
00:40:12dich zu sehen.
00:40:13Man sieht sich, Philip.
00:40:15All right.
00:40:17Just click this here.
00:40:18That way.
00:40:19Okay.
00:40:19Okay.
00:40:19Okay.
00:40:19I'm gonna do it.
00:40:20Okay.
00:40:21Okay.
00:40:21Okay.
00:40:26Okay.
00:41:27Yeah, I told her.
00:41:28Who else?
00:41:29Who did you tell?
00:41:30I told her a hot friend.
00:41:31You can't tell everyone that you're a vampire.
00:41:34Who's that guy?
00:41:35I don't know but I trust him.
00:41:37I can't tell everyone.
00:41:39I won't.
00:41:40Vampire!
00:41:41Vampire!
00:41:42Vampire!
00:41:43Yeah, got a bit of an eye condition.
00:41:46What's wrong with them?
00:41:47Vampire eyes, can't go into the sun.
00:41:50Oh my god, are they your fangs?
00:41:53For real?
00:41:54For real real.
00:41:55Too real real.
00:41:56I'm a vampire though.
00:41:57You're a vampire?
00:41:58Yeah.
00:41:59I'm a vampire hunter man.
00:42:01No you're not.
00:42:02Oh?
00:42:03Fuck you piece of shit.
00:42:04I'll Skype you.
00:42:05Float.
00:42:06Transform into stuff.
00:42:07Same.
00:42:08No you can't.
00:42:09Yeah.
00:42:10Yeah.
00:42:11I'll show you.
00:42:12You show me.
00:42:13Show me some of your vampires though.
00:42:15What have I got?
00:42:22Don't lie about transforming into shit.
00:42:31Twilight!
00:42:32Shut up Nick!
00:42:34You're not Twilight.
00:42:35What's your problem?
00:42:36You're my problem.
00:42:37Telling the world that we are vampires.
00:42:39I'm gonna tell the whole world that you're an asshole now though.
00:42:41Shut up Phil.
00:42:43You shut up.
00:42:44You shut up.
00:42:45You shut up.
00:42:46You shut up.
00:42:47You shut up.
00:42:48Dracula man.
00:42:49You're not Dracula.
00:42:50I'm Dracula man.
00:42:51You don't even know who Dracula is.
00:42:52You idiot.
00:42:56Bad fight.
00:42:57Bad fight.
00:42:58Oh aye aye aye aye.
00:42:59He he he he he he he he he he.
00:43:00Oh ho ho.
00:43:06Aw Deacon.
00:43:07That wasn't fair man.
00:43:10Fucking jacket man.
00:43:12I don't care about your stupid jacket.
00:43:16Deacon!
00:43:17You okay man?
00:43:18Alright.
00:43:35Hey Stu.
00:43:36Mhm.
00:43:37How's your worms?
00:43:40What?
00:43:41What?
00:43:42You're eating worms.
00:43:48Can you do that shit when you turn them into worms?
00:43:51No.
00:43:52Doesn't work on chips.
00:43:53Only works on things that already look like worms.
00:43:56Maybe noodles.
00:43:57They want some noodles.
00:43:58What's he knows now?
00:44:01Oh no I wouldn't eat that.
00:44:06Why?
00:44:07Are you okay Nick?
00:44:08You alright?
00:44:28The apes are tipped.
00:44:29I can't eat solids now.
00:44:30Great.
00:44:31What?
00:44:32I can't sunbathe.
00:44:33I can't watch daytime TV.
00:44:34I can if I...
00:44:35Yeah I guess I could.
00:44:37More than anything just the chips.
00:44:38It's my favourite food.
00:44:39I can't eat chips.
00:44:42I don't...
00:44:43I hate...
00:44:45I say I'm over being a vampire.
00:44:46It's shit.
00:44:47So don't...
00:44:48Don't believe the hype.
00:44:49Jacky.
00:45:10Jacky can I come in please?
00:45:11Okay off the bed guys.
00:45:12Hello children.
00:45:13Don't look at the man.
00:45:14Hey little children.
00:45:15Hey Kasia.
00:45:16Don't look at the man.
00:45:19I was going to bite you tonight.
00:45:21Really?
00:45:22But now I can't because there's this Nick being a vampire.
00:45:25Sorry I thought you killed him two months ago then.
00:45:27No I didn't.
00:45:28No he's a vampire.
00:45:29What do you mean?
00:45:30He jumped in front of your place.
00:45:33All I'm saying is that um...
00:45:36You know if I had a penis I would have been...
00:45:38I would have been bitten years ago.
00:45:40I may have to penalise you.
00:45:43Perhaps another couple of years.
00:45:44Perhaps ten years.
00:45:45Hmm?
00:45:46Like one big circle just biting each other's dicks.
00:45:49You know they don't even wear shirts.
00:45:50They wear blouses.
00:45:51It's this big homoerotic dick biting club.
00:45:54And I'm stuck here ironing their fucking frills.
00:45:58Also clean the bathroom please.
00:45:59There's blood everywhere.
00:46:00It is gruesome.
00:46:01Okay.
00:46:02See you tomorrow.
00:46:09Off the bead please.
00:46:24Katsarin.
00:46:26She was so charming and nice.
00:46:28She was everything I wanted.
00:46:30Unfortunately, yeah, she was married.
00:46:34Sure I wanted to kill the guy.
00:46:36I thought about chopping his head off.
00:46:39Draining him of every drop of blood that he had.
00:46:42Who wouldn't?
00:46:45But then I also saw how happy she was.
00:46:50And that made me kind of happy.
00:46:53And I didn't want to ruin it for her.
00:46:55So I did the honourable thing.
00:46:57And I just stepped back.
00:47:01And let her live her life.
00:47:22You're coming from Peter!
00:47:27Peter!
00:47:30Peter!
00:47:31Peter!
00:47:33Peter!
00:47:34Peter!
00:47:36Peter!
00:47:38Get water!
00:47:40Get out of the sunlight!
00:47:41Get water!
00:47:42Get water!
00:47:43Peter get away from the sunlight!
00:47:45Get in the shadows!
00:47:46Peter!
00:47:47Get out of the sunlight!
00:47:48Get out of my way!
00:47:50I'm going in!
00:47:52I'm coming, Peter!
00:47:54Deacon, now it's sunlight!
00:47:56It's sunlight out there!
00:47:58It's sunlight!
00:48:00It's sunlight!
00:48:06I was too late.
00:48:08Turn that thing off!
00:48:20A friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!
00:48:38So this is what I think happened.
00:48:40The vampire hunter
00:48:42has broken through the window here,
00:48:44has impacted the table,
00:48:46breaking the table leg,
00:48:48then he has come this way,
00:48:50towards the tomb.
00:48:52And then,
00:48:54Peter has burst from the tomb,
00:48:56pushed the tomb lid onto the vampire hunter,
00:49:00and then
00:49:02Peter has burst from the tomb,
00:49:04pushed the tomb lid onto the vampire hunter,
00:49:06and then the sunlight
00:49:08has come through here,
00:49:10and burned Peter alive.
00:49:12I think this is just a table leg
00:49:14which is standing down.
00:49:16Do you think he hand-sanded that?
00:49:18Yes. Imagine that stuck in there.
00:49:20It's quite shocking down here.
00:49:22Nick, look.
00:49:24Here's our sweet Peter.
00:49:26Oh, fuck.
00:49:28I can't figure out this.
00:49:30This is the vampire hunter.
00:49:32Oh, who's this guy?
00:49:34Bloody handle.
00:49:36Twisted the other way, the other way.
00:49:38See who this guy is.
00:49:42Typical macho type.
00:49:44Yuck.
00:49:46Oh, shit.
00:49:48I know that guy, actually.
00:49:50You know him?
00:49:52What?
00:49:54I saw him the other night in town,
00:49:56told him I was a vampire.
00:49:58Vampire hunter.
00:49:59You let the vampire hunter into our house?
00:50:00I don't let him in.
00:50:01I just gave him my email.
00:50:02He doesn't...
00:50:03Nick!
00:50:04You're gonna tear out your tongue
00:50:06and shove it down your ass!
00:50:07Your ass is...
00:50:10Fuck him!
00:50:12I'm gonna kill you!
00:50:22Tear out your tongue!
00:50:24Kill Peter with a big mouth!
00:50:26I'm gonna stay!
00:50:28Get up!
00:50:29Take a breath.
00:50:30Get up and stand on the ceiling like a man.
00:50:40We can talk about this, okay?
00:50:41We can talk about this.
00:50:42I'm gonna kill you!
00:50:43I'm already dead!
00:50:44Move!
00:50:45Dude, stay dead!
00:50:46Shit!
00:50:47Shit!
00:50:48Shit!
00:50:49Shit!
00:50:50Shit!
00:50:51Shit!
00:50:52Shit!
00:50:53Shit!
00:50:54Shit!
00:50:55Shit!
00:50:56Shit!
00:50:57Shit!
00:51:02Shit!
00:51:05Good evening, sir.
00:51:06Hello, police.
00:51:07Hi.
00:51:08I'm Constable O'Leary.
00:51:09This is Constable Minogue.
00:51:10We're just responding to reports of a possible forced entry
00:51:12and also a rather large amount of shrieking.
00:51:15I'm wondering if we could come in and just have a wee look around.
00:51:18Okay.
00:51:19What's with the pillow?
00:51:20What's with the camera?
00:51:21Yeah, obviously we're just here because there was a phone call from a member of the public
00:51:25about a bit of a disturbance, some loud noises, possibly a forced entry, wasn't there?
00:51:30And also maybe a bit of smoke coming out.
00:51:32So we're just checking over the scene, making sure everything's, you know, above board,
00:51:36so to speak, and making sure no one's in danger, that kind of thing.
00:51:39We might go up and have a wee look up there if that's alright with you.
00:51:42Come on, mate.
00:51:43Part of the job.
00:51:44You lead the way.
00:51:45Yep.
00:51:46Okay.
00:51:47Smells a bit weird in here too, mate.
00:51:48Yeah.
00:51:49What do you call that?
00:51:52Barbecue.
00:51:57You will not notice anything out of the ordinary.
00:52:01No.
00:52:02We certainly hope not.
00:52:03Let's just keep going.
00:52:04Hi there, guys.
00:52:05Hi.
00:52:06How are ya?
00:52:07Are you fellas?
00:52:08Um, is this the room we've heard all the shouting coming from?
00:52:10That is me.
00:52:11Yeah, okay.
00:52:12We've had a couple of reports, okay?
00:52:13There's a couple of people not that happy about the level of noise here.
00:52:15Okay.
00:52:16You can't keep screaming when there's this many people out, mate.
00:52:18You've got neighbours on either side.
00:52:20Fairly nervous.
00:52:21I've hypnotised those cops.
00:52:23I'm not a great hypnotiser, so I could wear off any second.
00:52:26I really hope that those guys don't kill those police, because it'll mean more police will come.
00:52:31Possibly even Christians, which is totally the last thing we need in this house.
00:52:36I can see you're having a good time.
00:52:37End of the day.
00:52:38We've got to keep the, uh, the peace, okay?
00:52:40Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:52:42See what I'm saying?
00:52:44What's that, Minogue?
00:52:46You're joking.
00:52:48Not a smoke alarm in sight.
00:52:50No smoke detectors, mate.
00:52:52Rule number one.
00:52:53Smoke detectors.
00:52:55Okay.
00:52:56Rule number two.
00:52:57Maybe not so many barbecues inside.
00:52:58Sort it out, fellas.
00:52:59Barbecue smells really strong down here, isn't it?
00:53:02What kind of marinade?
00:53:03Yeah.
00:53:04Who's this guy?
00:53:06Um, that's a friend who came to our party.
00:53:09Mate, you all right?
00:53:11He's drunk.
00:53:12That's what I thought.
00:53:13Drunk guy.
00:53:14Look, you can't just leave him down here like that, okay?
00:53:16This guy's not having a good time.
00:53:17He's going to feel terrible tomorrow morning.
00:53:19Well, his soul is in hell.
00:53:21Well, I don't know where his soul is, but all I'm saying is where's his blanket?
00:53:24There's a big slab of concrete on him.
00:53:26Yeah.
00:53:27You can move that.
00:53:28That's definitely not going to be comfortable.
00:53:29Thanks.
00:53:30Anything else?
00:53:31I've seen enough.
00:53:32Okay.
00:53:33Hang on a minute.
00:53:34What have we got here?
00:53:36Yeah, what is that?
00:53:37This.
00:53:38Oh, this.
00:53:39It's seen as clearly as I can.
00:53:40Adhesive, mate.
00:53:41That's flammable.
00:53:42Gosh.
00:53:43Then you've got a lamp on top of that.
00:53:45Directly underneath the power saw.
00:53:46That is quite bad, guys.
00:53:48It's a very bad combination.
00:53:49And no smoke detectors again, are there?
00:53:50No.
00:53:51No.
00:53:52Yes, there are.
00:53:53Yes, there are.
00:53:54Okay, there are.
00:53:55That's good.
00:53:56Lots to think about, guys.
00:53:57Yeah, lots to think about.
00:53:58Next flat meeting, yeah?
00:53:59Yeah, good thinking.
00:54:00That's the thing.
00:54:01Just have a bit of dialogue about it.
00:54:02Okay.
00:54:03They've got a really good point.
00:54:04Wait.
00:54:05Let's kill them.
00:54:06No.
00:54:07Well, let's just see what other safety points they have, and then maybe we'll...
00:54:20I call intercession this trial of Nick of Wellington.
00:54:30Read the charges.
00:54:32Problems we have with Nick.
00:54:35Number one.
00:54:36You brought a human into our house, which is a big no-no in the vampire world.
00:54:41Stu's okay, though.
00:54:42Yeah, so Stu's fine, so I guess we'll just cross that one out.
00:54:50Thank you, Stu.
00:54:51Thank you, Stu.
00:54:52So, the new number one.
00:54:54Nick's been telling people he's a vampire, that in turn resulted in an unwanted visitor
00:55:01from a vampire hunter.
00:55:04Crime number two.
00:55:05This is quite a biggie, Nick.
00:55:07The vampire hunter who killed Peter.
00:55:10Oh.
00:55:11That actually should've.
00:55:12That should've been crime number one, but we wanted to build up to that.
00:55:16Number three.
00:55:17Deacon doesn't like that you wear the same jackets as him, and he would like you to find your own original style.
00:55:24For these crimes of which we, the Vampire Council, find you guilty, you should be banished from our flat indefinitely.
00:55:34Indefinitely.
00:55:35Indefinitely.
00:55:36Indefinitely.
00:55:37So I can come back?
00:55:38No, no.
00:55:39Indefinitely means there is no end.
00:55:41I thought it was long.
00:55:42No, indefinite means that it's not a definite thing.
00:55:45It can be changed.
00:55:46I suppose.
00:55:47Yes, but it's long.
00:55:48Could be tomorrow, it could be six months.
00:55:49No, it is not tomorrow.
00:55:50No, it won't be tomorrow.
00:55:51Forget about it.
00:55:52You're banished.
00:55:53You're banished.
00:55:54You're banished.
00:55:55Indefinitely.
00:55:56But Stu, you can visit if you like.
00:55:58For your crimes, you will be made to suffer a procession of shame.
00:56:03I asked them, Nick.
00:56:04I asked them not to pass that sentence.
00:56:06We should do this immediately, in my opinion.
00:56:09You didn't ask.
00:56:10You didn't ask.
00:56:11You were saying yes.
00:56:16I didn't ask.
00:56:17Well, this is what's going to happen.
00:56:18I still think it's quite extreme.
00:56:20Let us do the procession of shame now.
00:56:26Shame.
00:56:27Shame.
00:56:28Shame.
00:56:29Shame.
00:56:30Shame.
00:56:31Shame.
00:56:32Shame.
00:56:34You go, Stu.
00:56:41Bye, Stu.
00:56:59Bipple's a shame.
00:57:03So today we have the invitation to the big event of the year.
00:57:17Making it open.
00:57:32They have burnt the edges.
00:57:34Like a treasure map or something?
00:57:36It's very authentic, doesn't it?
00:57:38Dearly departed.
00:57:39That's us.
00:57:40The Wellington Vampire Association, in conjunction with the Lower Hutt Vampire Witch Club and the
00:57:48Karori Zombie Society, invites you to attend the Unholy Masquerade on the night of the 6th
00:57:55June, starting at 6th of June, starting at 6 p.m.
00:58:026, 6, 6, 6.
00:58:03Oh, yeah.
00:58:04The Unholy Masquerade.
00:58:05The Unholy Masquerade, of course, is a great time for the undead community of Wellington.
00:58:09There are zombies there, vampires, banshees, all having a dance together.
00:58:14It's always a big deal for me.
00:58:17Love it.
00:58:18One year I went to the Unholy Masquerade dressed as Whoopi Goldberg from Sister Act 1 and Sister
00:58:26Act 2, Back in the Habit.
00:58:28It didn't go down so well because she was a nun.
00:58:33Vampires don't like nuns.
00:58:35Of course, the big deal of the Unholy Masquerade is every year they announce the Guest of Honor.
00:58:41And, um, I don't know if I should be saying this, but I heard a little rumor that the Guest
00:58:48of Honor this year might remain.
00:58:54The location...
00:58:55Oh, yeah, where is it?
00:58:57For the location...
00:58:58...the titular of despair.
00:58:59And the Guest of Honor will be...
00:59:05Who is it?
00:59:06Show me.
00:59:11Hmm.
00:59:16Okay.
00:59:18Okay.
00:59:20Okay.
00:59:21Okay, that's fine.
00:59:22Okay.
00:59:23That's fine.
00:59:29Vladislav has just had a reaction to the information that the Guest of Honor will be, um, the Beast.
00:59:41The darkest part of my mind is reserved for the Beast.
00:59:47If I could tell you a thing or two about the Beast.
00:59:49You should pray that you never have to see the Beast.
00:59:52This one is called the Beast.
00:59:54And I said, get your hands off my balls, Beast!
00:59:57He may have told you some stories about his great battle with the Beast.
01:00:01Yeah, oh, I fought the Beast on a cliff.
01:00:03Oh, I fought the Beast in a swamp.
01:00:06Oh, and then one time I fought the Beast in the toilets of a nightclub.
01:00:10Difficult battle.
01:00:12I hope you never see the Beast.
01:00:14The Beast.
01:00:15I hope you never see the Beast.
01:00:16The Beast.
01:00:17The Beast.
01:00:27You can't go to the ball as Blade.
01:00:29It's a vampire hunter.
01:00:30Yeah, but vampires love Wesley Snipes, so it's-
01:00:33No, it's inappropriate.
01:00:34Okay, Vlad.
01:00:35The green jumpers or the black leather with the dragon belt?
01:00:38I'm having a mild crisis here.
01:00:39Just let the pants you want away.
01:00:40Which pants do you want away?
01:00:41Just look at the pants, Vlad.
01:00:42Look at the pants, Vlad.
01:00:43Turn around and look at the pants.
01:00:44They're just pants!
01:00:45Shit, man.
01:00:46Holy shit!
01:00:47Oh, you look terrible.
01:00:49The black pants.
01:00:51Get dressed.
01:00:52I don't know if I feel up to it, really.
01:00:54You don't look that great, but if you eat someone on the way and rejuvenate a little bit-
01:00:57I'm fine.
01:00:58You could probably wear a mask or something.
01:01:00Just leave me to do my dark bidding on the internet.
01:01:03What are you bidding on?
01:01:05I'm bidding on a table.
01:01:07Are you coming or not?
01:01:08No.
01:01:09I'm going to go change.
01:01:10We're leaving in ten minutes.
01:01:11Have a good time.
01:01:30We tend to often, you know, without getting into that kind of stuff, which I'm really sick
01:01:36of that.
01:01:37But, you know, it's just- it's harder for us to actually chase people down.
01:01:41Come on.
01:01:42Cheers.
01:01:43Um, Gary- Gary and Elish.
01:01:45They're-
01:01:46Hi.
01:01:47They're-
01:01:48They're-
01:01:49This groaning-
01:01:50These groaning skies.
01:01:51So we're at the unholy masquerade.
01:01:55It's great.
01:01:56This is my mask.
01:01:58Which I made for the occasion.
01:02:01Hey.
01:02:02Jackie.
01:02:03Yeah?
01:02:04This is an undead party.
01:02:06Yeah, I'm a vampire.
01:02:07You'll have your-
01:02:08I'm a vampire.
01:02:09I'm a vampire.
01:02:10I'm a vampire.
01:02:11Great.
01:02:12Yeah.
01:02:13Um, who bet you?
01:02:14Oh, Nick.
01:02:15Oh, Greg.
01:02:16Yeah.
01:02:17Right.
01:02:18Okay.
01:02:19Deacon.
01:02:22Pretty rude because she was my servant.
01:02:25She was a pretty useless servant.
01:02:27I wouldn't worry.
01:02:28Yes, but still, I would have been appreciated if you would ask-
01:02:31How's Stu?
01:02:32Stu's got reserves.
01:02:34Oh, he's here.
01:02:35Stu!
01:02:36Hey!
01:02:37Hey!
01:02:38How are you?
01:02:39Hey!
01:02:40Oh, good times.
01:02:41Hey!
01:02:42Has anyone looked at you like they want to eat you, Dom?
01:02:44Uh, no.
01:02:45Can you hear me at the back?
01:02:48On behalf of the Welogen Vampire Society,
01:02:51the Lower Hutt Vampire and Witch Club,
01:02:55and the Karori Zombie Society,
01:02:58we welcome you here tonight.
01:03:00We're raffling a live meat pack this year.
01:03:03Um, you can inspect the prize over here to my left.
01:03:06It's a wonderful prize.
01:03:07Oh, really?
01:03:08It's only $10 each,
01:03:09or $45 for a book of five.
01:03:12Now, without further ado,
01:03:14it's my very great pleasure
01:03:16to introduce to you this year's guest of honour,
01:03:19Pauline Ivalovic.
01:03:28That's the Beast.
01:03:30The Beast is the name I give to my ex-girlfriend Pauline.
01:03:34She prefers Pauline.
01:03:36We had a very intense relationship.
01:03:39We were very sexually explosive.
01:03:43Last time I saw her,
01:03:45she impaled me and called me an asshole.
01:03:48She said all kinds of things that really hurt me,
01:03:52and all this while I was impaled on a lamppost.
01:03:56Well, everyone, I will be mingling around,
01:04:00and I really hope that I will meet all of you.
01:04:06Hello.
01:04:22That's the new guy.
01:04:24I don't know what kind of vampire he is.
01:04:27If he is a vampire...
01:04:28Can you see his face?
01:04:29This is Deacon, this is Stu, how are you?
01:04:36You've got really warm hands too.
01:04:41Are you a demon?
01:04:44No, he's not the demon.
01:04:46I'm a software analyst.
01:04:49You should go dance with anyone.
01:04:52Sure.
01:04:53Take your time.
01:04:54I like Stu.
01:04:56He's not a vampire, so he's something.
01:05:01My own witch?
01:05:02He's not, he's not, he's neither.
01:05:04He's more of a human.
01:05:07Excuse me, excuse me.
01:05:09Hi, Nick, hey.
01:05:11Nick, do you mind if Stu is killed?
01:05:16I don't feel that good about it.
01:05:18Can I just ask you a personal question?
01:05:23Sure.
01:05:24Are you, are you, um...
01:05:28Are you, are you, are you pre-deceased?
01:05:32Uh...
01:05:34If anyone's gonna eat them, it's gonna be us.
01:05:36But we're not, we're, we're perfect.
01:05:38They can just go fuck themselves.
01:05:39Nick, it is your fault, okay?
01:05:41You brought a human into this den of vampirousness.
01:05:44What a plus-one whole thing.
01:05:45Yes, you did.
01:05:46One plus-one.
01:05:47Lovely talking to you, I've gotta shoot off now.
01:05:49See you later on.
01:05:51As soon as one vampire takes a bite, it's a frenzy.
01:05:59We're gonna get him out.
01:06:00Okay, okay, just follow me.
01:06:01Follow me.
01:06:02Excuse me.
01:06:03Sorry, guys.
01:06:04Okay, Stu.
01:06:06Is that over your bloody red face?
01:06:08I want to have a cigarette.
01:06:10Okay.
01:06:11Okay, not that way.
01:06:12This way.
01:06:13Is there another way?
01:06:14Take it away from the vampire, guys.
01:06:19Excuse me, everyone.
01:06:20Can I have your attention, please?
01:06:22Some of the vampires forget unholy masquerade rules.
01:06:28They brought a human.
01:06:30And they don't let us to feast on him.
01:06:35This was a total misunderstanding.
01:06:39There was on the invitation, and this actually pertains to you.
01:06:42The invitation, it said, plus one.
01:06:45But it did not specify if it could be a human or if it could be a werewolf.
01:06:49Yeah, but he could be a vampire hunter for all we know.
01:06:52He could be texting his mates saying, I've got them all in the one place.
01:06:55Come on over and we'll have a vampire barbecue.
01:06:57Well, he's not.
01:06:58He's not doing that.
01:06:59How do we know that?
01:07:00How do we know that?
01:07:01He's wearing a bow tie.
01:07:02Look at him.
01:07:03Stu, tell them what you do.
01:07:04Come on, Stu.
01:07:05Tell us what you do.
01:07:06Come on.
01:07:07Tell them what you do, Stu.
01:07:08Hi, my name's Stu.
01:07:09Louder.
01:07:10Louder.
01:07:11Hi, my name is Stu.
01:07:12I work in IT.
01:07:13I can't hear.
01:07:14Louder.
01:07:15Stu, they can't hear you.
01:07:16They cannot hear you.
01:07:17Hi, my name's Stu.
01:07:18I'm a software analyst.
01:07:19I work for a geographic information systems company.
01:07:21Sorry?
01:07:22What is it?
01:07:23I work for a company that does...
01:07:25Basically, we take business requirements from organisations and we analyse those requirements
01:07:30and then we build software to fit those requirements.
01:07:33Here's a virgin.
01:07:34Here's a virgin.
01:07:35I can smell a virgin at a thousand paces.
01:07:38Go on then.
01:07:39There's always a thousand paces that way and smell yourself.
01:07:42I can't wait anymore.
01:07:47Stop!
01:07:55There shall be no eating of the human.
01:08:00Who are you all of a sudden?
01:08:01You have forgotten your former lover.
01:08:04So quickly.
01:08:09Georgie?
01:08:10No, not Georgie.
01:08:13Like five years after.
01:08:15Wait a minute.
01:08:17Just one moment.
01:08:19No.
01:08:20No, I've got it.
01:08:22He's got it.
01:08:23He's got it.
01:08:27Hello, beast.
01:08:28Hello, asshole.
01:08:29Hey, don't call me asshole.
01:08:31Don't call me beast.
01:08:33This is like slut.
01:08:34Absolutely the same.
01:08:35This is my ex-boyfriend.
01:08:36You know the one who fucked that wish?
01:08:37Alright, that's old business.
01:08:39That's personal business.
01:08:40Yeah.
01:08:41Nice to meet you, asshole.
01:08:42This is my lover.
01:08:43You will not feast on the blood of the human known as you.
01:08:45Listen, asshole.
01:08:46This is human and this is the rules.
01:08:48And what this camera's doing here?
01:08:49One then.
01:08:50Another one.
01:08:51What is this?
01:08:52We're making a documentary.
01:08:53This is a private secret society, mate.
01:08:55You don't go bringing your bloody cameras into everything.
01:08:57You will not eat stew and you will not eat the camera guy.
01:09:00Maybe one camera guy.
01:09:01I'm not talking about bloody here with you at the moment.
01:09:03And all your mates behind there, whoever the hell they are.
01:09:05We're gonna eat the human being and there's nothing you can do about it, alright?
01:09:09Now back off and let my missus get away.
01:09:11Oh, there's nothing I can do about it.
01:09:13That's fine.
01:09:14Oh my God.
01:09:15Well, what about this?
01:09:36It is forbidden for Vampire to kill Vampire.
01:09:45What the fuck?
01:09:49What the fuck?
01:09:51Are you okay, Lass?
01:09:54Get out!
01:09:56We should probably go still.
01:09:59It was great to see you, Pauline.
01:10:02That was great how we both together equally destroyed that guy.
01:10:11But it was more still with a giant stick.
01:10:14I heard this doesn't make it awkward for you and the beast.
01:10:17No, I think it's opened up new possibilities.
01:10:20Oh, no.
01:10:22Here we go again.
01:10:24Still, still, still, still, still, still, still, still, still, still, still, still, still, still, still.
01:10:33Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop. Listen.
01:10:35Do you smell that?
01:10:38This way.
01:10:41Where it was?
01:10:43Oh, no.
01:10:44Look what they came today again, huh?
01:10:46Puss off.
01:10:47Keep walking. Don't hassle us tonight.
01:10:49There has been no hassle here.
01:10:51Let it stay that way.
01:10:52Keep chaining yourselves up.
01:10:54Guys, where's your tracksuit pants?
01:10:56It was washing night.
01:10:57My missus couldn't wash them because there was too much blood in them, so...
01:11:00Your legs expand. They grow into the tracksuit.
01:11:02Oh.
01:11:03Those jeans are gonna rip completely.
01:11:04You've lost all those trousers, guys.
01:11:06Declan, that tree's far too thin.
01:11:08Look at it. It's like a branch.
01:11:10You know how big you get when you transform?
01:11:12That's the wrong tree for you.
01:11:14Anton, I've...
01:11:16Oh, no. You've forgotten the combination.
01:11:18Why did you get a combination lock?
01:11:20I lost my key last time.
01:11:21Okay, well, it's probably four zeros.
01:11:23That's the factory setting, is it?
01:11:24Fuck off to a tree.
01:11:25Hey!
01:11:26Werewolves, not swearwolves.
01:11:27Yeah, I know.
01:11:28Werewolves, not swearwolves.
01:11:29On transformation nights, it's alright, alright?
01:11:30I'm getting stressed out.
01:11:31I was just reminding you.
01:11:33Stop talking and chain yourself up, you dickhead.
01:11:35Honestly, we're transforming.
01:11:37Alright, we keep walking.
01:11:38Yeah, keep walking.
01:11:39We're walking.
01:11:40By the way, I find that offensive.
01:11:41Is that fur?
01:11:42Oh, for crying out loud.
01:11:44Don't look at the fur, everyone.
01:11:45Get back to your trees, okay?
01:11:47That's disgusting, man.
01:11:48You're wearing fur.
01:11:49Hands on.
01:11:50Yeah, it's not real.
01:11:51Oh, shit.
01:11:52Alright.
01:11:53Honestly, get out of here.
01:11:54Take those humans.
01:11:55That guy in the bow tie, he's gonna go first.
01:11:58Those camel crews.
01:11:59Get out of here.
01:12:00Quick.
01:12:01Take all your clothes off that you want to keep, everyone.
01:12:04Get that army surplus jacket off.
01:12:05You've only just bought that, Nathan.
01:12:09Get the camera out of my face!
01:12:11All right.
01:12:12Guys.
01:12:13Guess, let's go.
01:12:14Let's go!
01:12:15Come on!
01:12:16You got this dude.
01:12:17Run!
01:12:18Go Blue!
01:12:19Let's go!
01:12:24Shit!
01:12:29Let's go get it again, get it again, get it here!
01:12:31Shit!
01:12:32Oh, my God!
01:12:47Police!
01:12:48Police!
01:12:54Let's go!
01:12:55Let's do it!
01:12:57Let's do it!
01:13:02Dude!
01:13:05Get away!
01:13:07Oi!
01:13:08Dude, are you alright?
01:13:10No, no, no!
01:13:11Dude!
01:13:13Dude!
01:13:15Fuck off, asshole!
01:13:17Fuck off!
01:13:20Fuck off!
01:13:22Get off, Sid!
01:13:24Oi!
01:13:26Jacob, assholes!
01:13:28Stupid werewolf!
01:13:33Take away, Nick!
01:13:35Don't look at the blood!
01:13:37Dude!
01:13:38Dude!
01:13:39He's a really good dude!
01:13:41Leave him alone!
01:13:42It's too late for him!
01:13:43Don't look at the blood, Nick!
01:13:45Dude!
01:13:46There he is!
01:13:59He's probably still a little upset having seen his best friend disemboweled by werewolves.
01:14:07Nick!
01:14:08I found you!
01:14:09Whoa!
01:14:10That was pretty full on, eh?
01:14:23But this is what happens when you're a vampire.
01:14:29You have to watch everyone die.
01:14:33Your mother and father, or your friends, sometimes brutal, like slipping and falling onto a giant spike,
01:14:46or falling asleep in an autumn pile of leaves, and having some of them block your windpipe,
01:14:55or making the simple mistake of fashioning a mask out of crackers, and being attacked by ducks, geese, swans,
01:15:06all simply dying of old age.
01:15:11But even old age is brutal.
01:15:14Watching your friends grow old.
01:15:17They can't piss.
01:15:19And they say stupid things, and their brains go, and they can't remember anything.
01:15:27And then, one day, they can't even remember who you are.
01:15:32And you wish they were dead.
01:15:34And then they do die.
01:15:36No.
01:15:37If I know Stu, this was probably the way he wanted to go.
01:15:46Disemboweled by werewolves.
01:15:49Blood and guts splayed onto the trees.
01:15:53His face torn to shreds.
01:15:55I hope I made you feel better.
01:16:15Well, from what we can see and gather, it looks like there's been a bit of a dog attack.
01:16:19That's really what happens when you get, you know, dangerous dogs out on the streets, not being looked after.
01:16:24This is not good.
01:16:26No.
01:16:27Not good at all.
01:16:29There's nicer ways to go than being torn apart by what looks like a pack of dogs.
01:16:33More than just one.
01:16:34Absolutely, I'd say so.
01:16:35These attacks are becoming more and more frequent.
01:16:37They're happening on a monthly basis, and it's just, it's no good for anybody, okay?
01:16:40Especially not the dogs, certainly not the community.
01:16:42You're right, Larry.
01:16:43You've got the bastard one of them here, eh?
01:16:45Yes.
01:16:46And that's what I'm talking about.
01:16:47End of the day, this dog is going to have to be put down.
01:16:50What a shame.
01:16:53Look what you did, eh?
01:16:55He's got the scent again, hasn't he?
01:16:57He wants to go again.
01:16:58He's not finished.
01:16:59Yeah.
01:17:17They say that vampires' hearts are cold and dead.
01:17:32Definitely dead.
01:17:34But I still...
01:17:35People have loved this scarf.
01:17:37It's a lovely, loose knit.
01:17:39But I don't know.
01:17:40I think I still feel things inside it.
01:17:46Deacon.
01:17:47Deacon.
01:17:48Deacon.
01:17:49Deacon, wakey, wakey.
01:17:50Hey.
01:17:51Viago.
01:17:52Who's sleeping here?
01:17:53The curtains open.
01:17:54It's nearly morning.
01:17:55You want to get sizzled to her, Chris?
01:17:56What?
01:17:57You know, you've got to think a little bit about these things.
01:17:58Sorry Viago.
01:17:59It's okay.
01:18:00Night-night.
01:18:01Okay.
01:18:02Night-night.
01:18:03Night-night.
01:18:04Okay.
01:18:05Okay.
01:18:06Night-night.
01:18:07Okay.
01:18:08Night-night.
01:18:34Received at 4.20 a.m.
01:18:37Hey guys.
01:18:38It's Nick the Vampire here.
01:18:40Um.
01:18:41Uh.
01:18:42So heads up.
01:18:43I've got, um.
01:18:44Quite a big surprise.
01:18:45Uh.
01:18:46Yeah.
01:18:47It's gonna blow everyone's way.
01:18:59Ah.
01:19:00Stu!
01:19:01Hey Deacon.
01:19:02Stu!
01:19:03How's it?
01:19:04Ha ha!
01:19:05Good to see you.
01:19:06Look at his face.
01:19:07I saw them tear you to shreds.
01:19:08Look.
01:19:09You look like Seal.
01:19:10Ah.
01:19:11They didn't kill me.
01:19:12That looks cool.
01:19:15Meet some of our friends.
01:19:16Anton Deacon.
01:19:17Hi.
01:19:18Anton.
01:19:19Anton.
01:19:20I must have blacked out.
01:19:21Um.
01:19:22And then I remember an ambulance.
01:19:23I'm going into shock.
01:19:24I'm Leary.
01:19:25Yeah.
01:19:26I'm coming.
01:19:27I'm Leary.
01:19:28Yeah, I'm coming.
01:19:29Yeah, I'm coming.
01:19:30He's coming.
01:19:31He's coming down mate.
01:19:32He's coming down.
01:19:33He's coming down.
01:19:34He's coming down.
01:19:35He's coming down.
01:19:36He's coming down.
01:19:37He's coming down.
01:19:38Looks like rabies doesn't he?
01:19:39After that was.
01:19:40But I like woke up.
01:19:41And it was daytime.
01:19:46And I couldn't find my clothes.
01:19:52Those werewolf guys eventually found me.
01:19:55And they had some, they like lend me some pants.
01:20:00So yeah, those guys have been supporting me.
01:20:02Because I was quite confused.
01:20:06Yeah, these are the guys who turned me into a werewolf.
01:20:09Do you know your own jersey?
01:20:11Yes.
01:20:12Oh, yeah.
01:20:13I met.
01:20:14Is that the moon or?
01:20:15Yes.
01:20:16Hopefully we won't, you know, argh.
01:20:21Oh, this is a nice place.
01:20:22Please don't lick anything or pee on anything.
01:20:27We were worried at first, you know.
01:20:29We thought, oh, they're just going to urinate on everything.
01:20:31But they're actually really polite and pretty clean.
01:20:35There was obviously that werewolf smell which permeated the entire house for the first half an hour.
01:20:41But we opened some windows and got rid of that.
01:20:44When Stu first suggested the idea, I thought, no way.
01:20:47You know, walking into the vampire's den is ludicrous.
01:20:50That's my hand.
01:20:51But I thought, well, we'll give it a shot.
01:20:53You know what I mean?
01:20:54I'm the alpha male.
01:20:55So I made the call.
01:20:56I'm the alpha male.
01:20:57Yeah.
01:20:58So generally, all the other guys follow me.
01:21:00Just chill, Stu.
01:21:01Thanks, guys.
01:21:02What have you done to your face?
01:21:04I got attacked by some werewolves.
01:21:06Oh, I met a werewolf.
01:21:08Seemed a very nice person.
01:21:10So, Catherine's a vampire now.
01:21:12Yes.
01:21:13Yeah, we decided to get together.
01:21:14We just thought to hell with it, you know.
01:21:16What have we got to lose?
01:21:18I was just sitting, doing nothing.
01:21:21And he came floating in and over to me.
01:21:24And I recognized him.
01:21:25It was wonderful.
01:21:26Oh, yeah.
01:21:27That's right.
01:21:28I bit you on the neck.
01:21:29That's right.
01:21:30Yeah.
01:21:31And I don't mind being a vampire.
01:21:34I'm enjoying it.
01:21:37Some people freak out a bit about the age difference.
01:21:40They think, what's this 96-year-old lady doing with a guy four times her age?
01:21:45And, you know, I don't care.
01:21:47It doesn't make any difference.
01:21:48No.
01:21:49They can call me Cradle Snatcher.
01:21:50Who cares?
01:21:51I decided to bite her and we're going to be together forever.
01:21:54Wonderful.
01:21:55Yeah.
01:22:12Pauline and I are tentatively back together, but it's not long before you remember why it was you broke up in the first place.
01:22:20We'll start in our bedroom.
01:22:21I need that totally boarded up or blacked out somehow.
01:22:22My husband is my familiar, so there's been a dynamic shift there.
01:22:35You could buy a bedazzler, so write that down because that's B-E-D.
01:22:38I feel like I'm who I'm really meant to be now.
01:22:41I love you.
01:22:42I love you too.
01:22:43Great.
01:22:44But I am your master.
01:22:46Okay?
01:22:47Yeah, these guys have to laugh at my jokes, right guys?
01:22:51Yeah!
01:22:52That's a good one.
01:22:54I always look around and make sure they're all laughing.
01:22:56Like, if I see one of them's not quite laughing, I'll go, hey, are you laughing?
01:22:59And then often I'll test you, eh?
01:23:00What were you laughing at?
01:23:01Justin.
01:23:02What?
01:23:03What are you laughing at now?
01:23:04Just then.
01:23:05Yeah, yeah, but what?
01:23:06I don't know.
01:23:07Oh, test failed.
01:23:08Test failed.
01:23:09There you go.
01:23:10Laughing now.
01:23:11What are you laughing at now, though?
01:23:12What are you laughing at now, though?
01:23:13I don't know.
01:23:14Oh, another failure!
01:23:17What are you laughing at, Stu?
01:23:19Oh, I was laughing with the group.
01:23:21Yep, that's good.
01:23:22That's good.
01:23:23Yeah, he didn't think.
01:23:24Just pay attention.
01:23:25Just pay attention.
01:23:26Yeah, yeah.
01:23:27Laugh with the group.
01:23:28Laugh with the group.
01:23:37The group, you will know.
01:23:39The group, are you laughing at factory?
01:23:40No, that's good.
01:23:41No, that's too late.
01:23:42The group w llegó får a good dinner.
01:23:44No, it wasn't a good dinner.
01:23:45It only doesn't know.
01:23:46No, it nevergov.
01:23:47No, it never le Taxes Rico, go to it.
01:23:48No, its boss, why I do.
01:23:49Too late.
01:23:50About a Hart some money.
01:23:51That's good, too.
01:23:52We'll vou plant the team in there.
01:23:53With all the other chairs, I live with theham crops,
01:23:54What are you talking about?
01:23:55What are you thành you sell?
01:23:56No, it doesn't know.
01:23:57No, I'll not know.
01:23:58Have you known it yet, too?
01:23:59Yes, you!
01:24:00This month is not ready.
01:24:02And I'm known it, of course.
01:25:04You will not remember the last hour and a half of what you have just seen.
01:25:10You will forget the contents of this movie.