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Reel Magic
  • 7/8/2025
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Transcript
00:00Stop moving! Hands up!
00:16Easy, soldier. You have some coffee?
00:19That's why this is freaking my boss.
00:21This is a restricted military facility.
00:23Turn around and walk away, or I'll warm you up by loading my clippers.
00:28That would be a monumentally stupid thing to do.
00:31Let General Allen know that I'm here.
00:33Step aside, soldier.
00:34General Allen, huh?
00:36Who do you think you are?
00:38Damn president.
00:41Your general doesn't take walk-ins by random men in Christmas suits.
00:45Back the fuck up, or I'll take you guys.
00:58What the hell are you doing, soldier?
01:05Sir, this con man was trying to talk his way to our secure facility.
01:11Con man, this is Damian Blaine, CEO of Atlas Defense Group.
01:17Our top military contractor.
01:20He single-handedly controls the global arms trade.
01:24You fucking fool!
01:26I'm sorry, sir.
01:27I'm a fool, sir.
01:29Please, sir.
01:31Forgive me for my stupidity.
01:33At ease, soldier.
01:35Step aside.
01:37Gentlemen, your arsenal's best intercontinental ballistic missile takes 27 minutes to reach its target across the border.
01:49Give me our enemies 27 minutes to prepare and launch retaliatory strikes.
01:54It's a weak spot, but we can't do anything.
01:57It's impossible.
01:58Impossible isn't in my vocabulary.
02:01We can do better.
02:03I have.
02:05I got it down from 27 minutes to only three.
02:10I thought you'd be skeptical.
02:13So how about a show and tell?
02:15Gentlemen, I present to you a Titan missile.
02:18Now you can strike anywhere in the world in just three minutes.
02:22If you get it, we'll take it.
02:33No matter the cost, we'll take it out.
02:36I thought you'd take it, though.
02:38Good.
02:39Now, before you've written, the President would like to host you for dinner.
02:42Well, I'm honored, but please tell the President I'm unavailable.
02:45Tonight, I have other plans.
02:47You're standing up, President.
02:49What plans could be more important?
02:52Well, General, as you can imagine, I sell weapons for a living.
02:56And my father's worried that I'll die single.
02:58So tonight, I'm going on a date to find my future wife.
03:08When we get married, we merge our family companies.
03:11Your Olsen Group will double its value.
03:14It's a win-win for me.
03:18Because I get richer,
03:20and get to bone a hottie like you anytime I want.
03:24Mmm.
03:30My father is forcing me to find a rich husband,
03:33but it won't be an immature frat boy like you trying to leech off my family.
03:36Get lost, creeps.
03:38Spoiled bitch!
03:39Whatever.
03:40So, what do you do for a living?
03:46Well, uh, I'm...
03:49My father's demanding I settle down.
03:51But I don't want a wife who only wants me for my money.
03:54I'm in sales.
03:55What about you, Sarah?
03:56Sales?
03:57How much do you make?
03:59But does that really matter?
04:02Yeah.
04:03Yeah.
04:05Okay.
04:06Um...
04:07In a good year, 50 or 60...
04:0960 grand!
04:11Good lord, you...
04:13You can't even get a one-bedroom rental on that.
04:17Oh.
04:18I cannot believe my daddy set me up with someone so...
04:22Poor.
04:24Why don't we get to know each other a bit before discussing money?
04:28Pass.
04:29Money's the only thing that matters.
04:33What a waste of my time.
04:35I passed up dinner with the president for this date.
04:37Talk about a waste of time.
04:39And I meant 50 or 60 million.
04:48Had a bad date, huh?
04:50Tell me about it.
04:52I threw a drink in his face.
04:54My father is going to be furious and cut me off unless...
04:59I was just starting to like your smile.
05:02And he'll cut you off unless?
05:05This might sound crazy, but...
05:08I would make it worth your while.
05:11Would you want to...
05:12Get married?
05:15Married.
05:17You really bring new meaning to moving fast on the first day.
05:20Oh?
05:22Is this a date?
05:23It is a Friday night.
05:25It's a really nice place and...
05:29You look fantastic.
05:31This is the best date I've had in ages.
05:33Okay.
05:34Since it's a date, I'll get right to the getting to know me phase.
05:38My family's business is struggling.
05:40My father, a very traditional man, has got it in his head that the solution to our problems
05:46is marrying me off to some rich snob.
05:49I'm flattered, but what makes you think I fit the rich man profile?
05:54Doesn't matter.
05:55I don't care how much you make.
05:57I just need to get married to get my parents off my back while I fix our business.
06:01On track marriage.
06:03Huh.
06:04That could work too.
06:05I know it's a crazy thing to ask, but I could pay you $10,000.
06:09All you'd have to do is play along and...
06:12That won't be necessary.
06:14I'd marry you for free.
06:20So I suppose my soon-to-be wife should know my name.
06:24I'm Damien.
06:25Iris Olsen.
06:27Pleasure to meet you.
06:28Pleasure to meet you.
06:29I hope you don't have any Christmas plans.
06:31Because as my fiancé, I need you to come meet my family.
06:38Mr. Damien, Merry Christmas.
06:40Merry Christmas.
06:41These are the Christmas gifts that you got for the Olsen's.
06:44They're worth hundreds of millions, so please let me securely deliver them to him.
06:48No need.
06:49I'll deliver them myself.
06:51Uh, but this is a company SUV.
06:54I'm a little confused.
06:55You're the Olsen's honored guest, and they didn't get you a car?
06:58Do they realize who you are?
07:00I haven't met the family or told them who I am yet.
07:03That's how I want it.
07:04I want them to know me for me, rather than my money.
07:07All right.
07:08Whatever you say, sir.
07:16Yes?
07:17And you are?
07:19Mom, this is my husband.
07:21We were just talking about you.
07:23Merry Christmas, ma'am.
07:24I'm Damien.
07:25I was hoping it was all a bad dream, but you're really here.
07:29My daughter really married a poor salesman.
07:33Mom, be respectful.
07:34I like him.
07:36Oh.
07:37This is Olsen.
07:48You're looking as lovely as ever.
07:51Oh, Marcus.
07:53What a lovely surprise.
07:55I didn't know you'd arrived.
07:57Um, what was your name again?
08:01Salesman.
08:02Oh, Damien.
08:03Yes, Damien.
08:04You should be honored.
08:06This is Marcus Walton, heir to the Walton Group, and the only man worthy of marrying my daughter.
08:14So, you chose to marry this, Iris?
08:24How...
08:26Bizarre.
08:27Bizarre.
08:28Yes.
08:30What can I say?
08:31My wife, Iris, has good taste.
08:34Don't be rude.
08:37Do you know who you're talking to?
08:40This man, the Walton Group, makes over a million dollars a month.
08:46You could probably never earn that much in an entire year.
08:51You'd be surprised.
08:53I'm sorry, Damien. This isn't...
08:54Don't bother, Mrs. Olsen.
08:56There's no point in trying to explain anything to someone like him.
09:00You're right, Marcus. Let's not waste our thoughts on such negative things.
09:06It's Christmas!
09:07It's Christmas.
09:11I'm sorry. Marcus is the douchebag my parents want me to marry.
09:16They only care about being rich and they hate people who aren't.
09:20That's why my mom's being rude to you.
09:22They have no idea what being rich means.
09:25Damien, are you upset?
09:27Please, you're not gonna back out of this, right?
09:29Oh, no, no, no.
09:30I'm all in.
09:32When I make a promise, I plan to keep it.
09:35I'd never screw you like that.
09:38I mean...
09:41Unless you consent at first.
09:44If we get through this day with my family, I'll consent...
09:48To anything.
09:50And I'll even throw in an extra grand for putting up with my family.
09:53Well, I'm looking forward to it. But Iris, I really don't need your money. I'm good.
10:02Iris, did you know Marcus is working on a deal with Harvey Lambert?
10:07No, Mom. I didn't. Because I don't even know who Mr. Lambert is.
10:13Harvey Lambert? He's only the second command, the world's largest defense contractor, Atlas.
10:21And with Mr. Lambert's support, we're gonna take the Walden Group worldwide.
10:30And, uh, quadruple our profits.
10:34Oh, you see, Iris, Marcus is very impressive.
10:38He's a mover and a shaker.
10:41He's the kind of man you should marry.
10:44Not this salesman who could probably never get an appointment with someone as powerful as Harvey Lambert.
10:50I didn't realize Harvey was such a big deal to people outside the military.
10:54Harvey? In this house, we show respect.
10:57And you are not on a first-name basis with a man like...
11:02Oh, but I am.
11:04Harvey's an old friend.
11:09An old friend?
11:12That's not possible.
11:14Marcus, he's just a salesman. He's just making stuff up so he doesn't look bad in front of Iris.
11:22On the contrary.
11:23I feel bad for you, Iris. Not only is your husband unsuccessful, he's a compulsive liar. Shame.
11:32But don't worry, darling. If he's strapped for cash, I can hook him up.
11:36I'm fine. Thank you.
11:39Oh, it's Christmas time.
11:42I could hook you up with a, uh, big-boy job.
11:46Big-boy job.
11:48You can clean toilets at my company.
11:50If you're lucky, he might just catch a glimpse of, uh, your old friend as he's leaving the bathroom.
11:58Marcus, stop it.
12:00I don't care that Damien is poor.
12:02He's much more of a man than you'll ever be, and I won't let you insult him like this.
12:06Thanks, babe. But, don't worry. They've got me all wrong. I actually, uh...
12:15What a coincidence. Uh, Father is discussing business with Mr. Lambert.
12:27What a perfect way to prove that you're a liar.
12:32Dad? What?
12:34Mr. Lambert wants me to be there in person?
12:37I'll leave right away.
12:39Mr. Lambert isn't there yet, but, uh, if you'd like me to join him,
12:43I'll just, uh, confirm with your old friend Hardy that he's never met you before.
12:50No. You liar.
12:51Can't wait.
12:52And when you're ready to apologize, you know where to find me.
12:59You'll be apologizing to me.
13:02Alright, well, Mrs. Olsen, Iris, I'm slated at the jet, but I have, uh, business to do.
13:10Don't worry, I'll be back with your Christmas gifts.
13:13Iris, how could you have been so rude to Marcus? And Damien, you liar.
13:26Mom, stop it. We're gonna be late for Christmas at Gramps. Let's just go.
13:29No.
13:37Merry Christmas, Amanda.
13:39Merry Christmas, cousin.
13:41I am so glad you did not bring that pathetic Liz.
13:45Merry Christmas.
13:51Merry Christmas, family.
13:53Who's this Rando?
13:55You must be Tom.
13:57Hi, I'm Damien.
13:58I'm Chris's husband.
14:02So, you're the broke salesman who married Iris without even bothering to meet the family first?
14:08Oh, he doesn't care about Iris. He just married her for our money.
14:11Listen, guy.
14:13We all have a stake in this family business.
14:16You can't just waltz in here with Iris and steal it from us.
14:19I told you, Iris, darling, bringing this freeloader home was a mistake.
14:23Enough. It's Christmas.
14:25If you all can't be decent, my husband and I are gonna have to leave.
14:29Iris, don't be like that. We're just joking.
14:32You're the guest of honor tonight. You can't leave. Come on, come here.
14:35Come on, come here.
14:43I'm sorry, Damien.
14:45My family's business is in trouble, and they were counting on Marcus to save us by marrying me off to him first.
14:50It's nothing personal. They just see you as standing in front of their money.
14:55It's amusing, actually. They're so against me, but they don't know anything about me.
14:59I know everything I need to know about you.
15:04Unlike the men they want me to be with, you're a good guy. You're doing great.
15:08This is the best few grand I've ever spent.
15:11Well, I'm just keeping my promise.
15:13And, Iris, I really don't need your money.
15:17I'm having a really good time with you.
15:19You're special.
15:21And I feel bad.
15:23In a rush to get married, we never consummated our relationship.
15:26But maybe later tonight, we can...
15:32Auntie Iris!
15:34Uh, who's that?
15:35Hi, Leslie.
15:37This is my new husband, Damien.
15:39Damien, this is my niece, Leslie.
15:41Merry Christmas, Uncle Damien.
15:43Merry Christmas, kiddo.
15:45I didn't know you had a niece. I would've brought her a gift.
15:48Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
15:49Whoa.
15:51Uncle Damien, my money home's empty.
15:53Can you give me some money to fill it up for Christmas?
15:56Oh, honey.
15:58You're asking the wrong man.
16:00He's just a broke, small-town loser.
16:02He doesn't have any cash for you.
16:04Do you, Damien?
16:05Leslie, Damien can't afford it.
16:08Daddy, what's a broke loser?
16:10Oh, it's just someone who's stupid and lazy and doesn't have enough to eat.
16:16Sounds sad, right?
16:18Oh, no. I'm really sorry, Uncle Damien. I shouldn't have asked.
16:21Tom.
16:23Leslie, your dad is joking.
16:25But maybe instead of something that costs money, Uncle Damien could take you somewhere.
16:30Now, Leslie, I'd love to fill your money gun.
16:32But I don't have any cash on me.
16:34But if you take this to the bank, they'll fill it up for you.
16:37Oh, Damien.
16:39You know the bank won't bother cashing a check that's worth less than the paper that it's printed on?
16:4450 grand?
16:45$50,000?
16:46$50,000? Where'd you get this kind of money?
16:50I can't be right. Unless...
16:53Damien, I don't know where you're from, but in the real world, writing a bad check is a crime.
16:59I knew it. He doesn't have this kind of money. He's just trying to show off. This check is worthless.
17:04It's not Leslie. Cash the check.
17:12This idiot's clothes don't even have a brand. If you're going to pretend to be rich, try investing in some nicer clothes instead of these cheap knockoffs.
17:19Cheap. Huh. This is custom made, thank you.
17:22Damien, you are an embarrassment to this family. Lying to a child to protect your poor ego. How awful.
17:31You know, I was curious why your family's business was failing. But now I see why.
17:36You guys all jump to conclusions, and you can't see the truth when it's right in front of your face.
17:41You think I'm some poor loser? Prove it. Cash the check. Take it to the bank.
17:47And when you're ready to apologize, my wife and I will be here waiting. And when the check bounces, it won't.
17:56This is a family Christmas, and I'm done wasting my time on this loser.
18:02Agreed. Tom, help me with this.
18:05I need a drink.
18:12Who brought these Christmas gifts?
18:14They're from Damien.
18:15It's just a few gifts I got for the family. We can open them up during dinner.
18:18I really don't want to upset Dad during dinner, so I'd better check him out to make sure they're not too cheap or offensive.
18:24Hey, tough guy. What, are you embarrassed about your Christmas gifts?
18:28What is this fuss about, huh?
18:31Grandpa.
18:32This is my husband, Damien. The one I told you about.
18:37Merry Christmas, Grandpa.
18:39Good, good. Not too tall, but handsome. You two make a lovely couple.
18:45Hey, Dad, what are you doing? Shouldn't you be resting?
18:48I couldn't wait to see my precious granddaughter. Is that a problem?
18:52Grandpa, everyone, dinner's ready.
18:57Can I help you, little girl?
18:58I'm here to get some cash from my uncle.
19:11My dad said it's fake, but my uncle, Damien, said it's real, and he's a nice guy. Can you help me cash it?
19:32Fifty thousand dollars? I think your uncle's playing a trick on you.
19:41I'm sorry. I didn't know.
19:43This is authentic. I'll get your cash now.
19:50Iris, where can I find a chair?
19:52Oh, you want a seat at our table when nobody wants you here?
19:57He's Iris' husband. Why, don't you?
20:00Grandpa, we didn't even know Iris was married. It was random.
20:04Aren't you a little concerned that he could be coming for our family as well?
20:07Damien isn't like that.
20:08Iris, we're just looking out for you, okay?
20:11I mean, seriously, a guy like this, marrying the CEO of the Olsen Group, if he's not after our money, why else would he be here?
20:21That's enough. It's Christmas dinner. Everyone. Be respectful.
20:27Damien, I got you a present.
20:30I think someone confused me for the dog.
20:42Good one, sis.
20:45Iris, your husband's just been begging like a pathetic dog for our family fortune.
20:51We're gonna treat him like one.
20:52Amanda, is this some kind of a joke?
20:54Actually, I'm not hungry.
20:56Oh, you won't eat the food we give you. You ungrateful little gold digger.
21:02I'm confused.
21:03Okay, Grandpa, let me explain to you what everyone's thinking here.
21:07Damien doesn't deserve Iris. Not even a little.
21:11He tried to scam my daughter with a fake check. He's a terrible role model and a liar!
21:15Merry Christmas!
21:16The check was real, Dad!
21:17The check was real, Dad!
21:30We'll come to our house.
21:31We wait.
21:32We need to do something new here.
21:34Let's go, Dad.
21:35I'm going to go, Dad!
21:37The way you go, Dad!
21:39We're going to gather this together!
21:40Good one.
21:42It's good.