Caesar And Otto's Paranormal Halloween. Horror Movies, The Best Movies.

Horror Movies

Horror Movies, The Best Movies THE STORY Get ready for hilariously terrifying mayhem as half brothers Caesar and Otto housesit a haunted home. This horror-comedy homage stars genre legends and pays tribute to The Exorcist, Amityville Horror, Sinister, and more.

Transcript

00:00:00To be continued...

00:00:30I can't believe how bad you are at curving pumpkins, but I don't want to go to bed.

00:01:00Hey, why are you dressed as a woman?

00:01:23That's not the question, Ana. The question is why are you spying on me?

00:01:26Because you're dressed as a woman. Nice tits.

00:01:29Hey!

00:01:29What is that?

00:01:30Hey!

00:01:30It's the only one that's me, Jason.

00:01:33It's easy. We got boobs.

00:01:35So, you know how actors play parts, right?

00:01:38Yeah.

00:01:38And right now I'm playing the part of the babysitter, except for it's real life, not a movie.

00:01:42What?

00:01:43Look, it's the only job I can find right now, and right now we really need the money.

00:01:47So just get back in the car.

00:01:48I can't believe we're living in a car right now.

00:01:50Look, investing in an independent film seemed like such a good idea.

00:01:54It only left us homeless.

00:01:55No, it made me homeless. So you were always homeless.

00:01:58Just get back in the car. Don't trust Dad around my hubcaps.

00:02:01Look, you got so many good channels here.

00:02:03Look, my boss said I'm not allowed to invite any guides over, so you've got to go.

00:02:07I'll fix that.

00:02:08Oh, yeah?

00:02:09You look like a before and after picture.

00:02:12Well, maybe now I can get babysitting jobs.

00:02:14Oh, please, Otto. It takes real responsibility to be a babysitter.

00:02:18You can lie like a hawk when you watch kids.

00:02:20I wonder how hard I can hit myself this back.

00:02:23Ow!

00:02:23Newly elected Governor Jerry Grayson has ordered massive cuts to the community mental facilities,

00:02:29citing the city's financial crisis as the basis.

00:02:32Critics of the measure claim that such cuts will prove dangerous.

00:02:35Does he look familiar to you?

00:02:37Never seen him before in my life.

00:02:41And this, just in.

00:02:43A mental patient named Michael Miles has escaped from the Hillside Psychiatric Center,

00:02:47where it's believed he's killed two guards.

00:02:49Well, that's funny. Miles is the name of the people who live here.

00:02:52The last time Miles was at large, he murdered multiple babysitters

00:02:55in what became known as the Haddensboro Murders of 78.

00:02:58Aren't we in Haddensboro right now?

00:03:00Yeah, so?

00:03:01Authorities believe he may be headed back home, possibly in search of more babysitters.

00:03:07Oh, crap.

00:03:09This is all your fault. Let's get the hell out of here.

00:03:13Oh, shit.

00:03:15Turn out all the lights locked through us now.

00:03:17This, just in. A massive recall on Mayfair deadbolt locks.

00:03:24Huh?

00:03:30Sure, just take your time, Ben.

00:03:32It's not profit.

00:03:32Locks. Locks. Locks. Locks. Locks. Locks. Locks. Locks. Locks.

00:03:34Locks. Locks. Locks. Locks.

00:03:35Hey, Jimmy.

00:03:37It's your favorite baby sister, Caesar.

00:03:39Can you open up the door, man?

00:03:40I've got $20.

00:03:41Better yet, I have an I.O.U. for $20.

00:03:43I've got $20.

00:03:43I don't have $20.

00:03:44Oh, my God. It's Rob's zombie.

00:04:06Who are you?

00:04:08I was Michael's doctor when he was a boy.

00:04:11Dr. Field?

00:04:15No wonder the kid got messed up.

00:04:17I first met Michael 15 years ago

00:04:19on a special episode of my show

00:04:20about errant children of unhappily married women

00:04:23who dress far from their age.

00:04:25I spent eight episodes trying to reach him

00:04:28and seven seasons trying to have that boy locked up

00:04:31because what was behind those eyes

00:04:33was pure and simply...

00:04:34...

00:04:35...

00:04:36...

00:04:38and yellow.

00:04:42I recognize that breathing.

00:04:46Oh, my God!

00:04:50Dr. You look like I killed him.

00:04:52That's terrible.

00:04:53Keep moving!

00:04:55There's gotta be a place to get out of here.

00:04:57Think. Think where.

00:04:58Are we going to the bed?

00:04:59No, that's way too small.

00:05:00But the drawer...

00:05:02Shit, it's even smaller.

00:05:02Come on.

00:05:04Closet. Closet.

00:05:05There you are, Jimmy.

00:05:07I've been looking all over for you.

00:05:08By the way, this closet's not big enough for the three of us.

00:05:10You better hide out in the bed or something.

00:05:11Get the fuck out of here!

00:05:17Sean, put up my ears.

00:05:25I have to keep positive with your lipstick on.

00:05:26It's ridiculous.

00:05:28What do you mean?

00:05:28It looks green.

00:05:29You look like the doctor on a bad day.

00:05:31Well, it's not like I want lipstick on every day.

00:05:34So, Sean, put up my ears.

00:05:35Hey, look.

00:05:53You think he's dead?

00:05:54What, do you think he's superhuman?

00:05:56Oh, wait, look.

00:05:57He did the freaky setup thing.

00:05:58Come on, you idiots.

00:06:10We can get out of here.

00:06:11The cops are coming.

00:06:13Can I run over something?

00:06:14I guess maybe it's time to learn the truth.

00:06:31What really happened to my mom?

00:06:33Oh, there's a shit in this house!

00:06:34The only spirits here are white skins inside.

00:06:37There's a lot of holes.

00:06:38This is this house.

00:06:39We're a monitor.

00:06:40We're losing my life.

00:06:42We're losing my life.

00:06:43We're losing my life.

00:06:45We're losing my life.

00:06:46We're losing my life.

00:06:47Come on, you guys.

00:06:49Come play with us.

00:06:57I wouldn't say it's a accident.

00:06:58We stand in front of the home of murderer Michael Miles

00:07:17with two heroes, Caesar and Otto,

00:07:21for performing an unparalleled act of courage

00:07:24in the defeat of the most notorious killer this date has seen,

00:07:27an act which surely saved the lives of countless others.

00:07:32I, Governor Jerry Grayson, present to you this giant key to the city.

00:07:38Thank you. Thank you so much.

00:07:41You have no idea how much it beats me.

00:07:44All right, so how much can I sell that key for?

00:07:46Sell the key to the city?

00:07:48It's the point of having a key if you don't even have a house to put it in.

00:07:51Oh, my dear Caesar, I lost my hands in a tragic accident,

00:07:57but I never let that stop me.

00:07:59Your story and mine will prove to be a testament of triumph over adversity.

00:08:05Ah, thank you.

00:08:08I live at my summer home from May 15th to about, oh, October 24th,

00:08:14before abandoning it completely into the following May.

00:08:17I need someone to take care of the grounds.

00:08:19It's not a physically demanding job.

00:08:21The only thing that's a bit tiring is the tremendous sense of isolation.

00:08:25Might you be interested?

00:08:26All right.

00:08:28So what's the cash?

00:08:32Well, I don't want to be morbidly melodramatic,

00:08:36but the last man that worked the job must have suffered from some kind of

00:08:39class three Robert Blake mental breakdown.

00:08:42He ran amok and killed his entire family with an axe before planting their remains in the garden

00:08:46and then placing a double barrel shotgun into his mouth.

00:08:49Oh, well, thanks for him.

00:08:50Anything else?

00:08:50Well, there was a young man named Victor who shot his entire family.

00:08:56Oh, and then after him, another man resembling James Brolin went bonkers

00:09:00and tried to kill his family and then married Yenta.

00:09:03Oh, and before then, there was that woman who claimed to be possessed by the devil

00:09:07who made her try and murder her own baby.

00:09:09And then there were the freelings that money did.

00:09:11Oh, no, Carol.

00:09:13All right, so are we done here?

00:09:19Dad, didn't you say you grew up around here?

00:09:22This is where I met your brother.

00:09:24Tell me about her?

00:09:25There's not much to tell.

00:09:27I guess she died a number of years before you were born.

00:09:29Oh.

00:09:30No, that doesn't make any sense.

00:09:31Maybe it was before.

00:09:32I forget.

00:09:33It was a long time ago.

00:09:34All I know is her parachute never opened during that skydive.

00:09:37Wait, you told me a cow fell on her when she went to live in the Amos country.

00:09:40He told me she ate a spoiled blintz on Kwanzaa.

00:09:43Hey, what is this, gang up on your father's day?

00:09:45Well, maybe we just don't think you're being very honest with this, Dad.

00:09:47You take that back or I'll jump out of this car.

00:09:49Ha!

00:09:50I'd like it to see you try.

00:09:51Only Otto's dumb enough to do that.

00:09:53Oh, yeah?

00:09:54Oh, my God!

00:09:55Let go!

00:09:58You know, I'm getting a little sick and tired of you guys jumping out of the car like this.

00:10:01Well, next time, just watch what you say.

00:10:03Oh, yeah?

00:10:03Well, let's see how you like it.

00:10:07He's just like his mother.

00:10:10How do we know we're in the right place?

00:10:15Ah, welcome one and welcome all to my home away from home.

00:10:19Built in 1901 by Horace and Bethany Grayson.

00:10:22Or as I do them, Grandmama and Grandpapa.

00:10:25But such a prime spot to build a home.

00:10:27Well, once they remove those pesky Indian gravestones, that is.

00:10:31You know, when you said you had a summer home, I was imagining this, like, nice big place with,

00:10:36like, a garden maze out back.

00:10:37We don't have a garden maze, but we have the next best thing.

00:10:43A trellis vine shaped like Eartha Kitt.

00:10:46We're so glad we moved here.

00:10:48Howdy, neighbors!

00:10:49Oh, and these delectable specimens are Jamie and Judy Tremaine.

00:10:53Retired Playboy models, now doctors in training.

00:10:57Greetings.

00:10:58And salutations.

00:11:00Salutations?

00:11:00Who says that?

00:11:01Me.

00:11:02Two sisters, two brothers.

00:11:04This is perfect.

00:11:05I don't know, they look a little on the chunky side.

00:11:08Now, onto the interior.

00:11:11Our party room.

00:11:13With ocean views.

00:11:15Our master bedroom.

00:11:17This one's mine.

00:11:19Our kiddie room.

00:11:21This one's yours.

00:11:22Of course, if you three happen to run into any problems,

00:11:26you'll want to reach out to our good deputy.

00:11:28Hey, everyone!

00:11:29Oh, shit, the cops.

00:11:31I'm Drew.

00:11:31Being that this is the governor's second home,

00:11:34it was only wise to have armed patrolmen on duty.

00:11:37And last but not least,

00:11:39I'd like to introduce you to Gilda, our gardener.

00:11:43Gilda represents everything that is good in the world.

00:11:46So nice to meet you.

00:11:49Nice to meet you, too.

00:11:50So are you always this friendly with the people you first met?

00:11:54What do you think?

00:11:55I think you shouldn't leave these around, Gilda.

00:11:57You never know who could get hurt.

00:11:59And I'm Kyla.

00:12:00For some reason, the governor felt an introduction was not in order.

00:12:03Just a slight oversight, my darling.

00:12:06Or was it?

00:12:07I'll be in the kitchen if you need me.

00:12:09Preparing cyanide and arsenic.

00:12:10We're pretty sure she's kidding.

00:12:16You know, that Gilda girl was kind of coming on to you.

00:12:19Yeah, well, I guess you can't blame her, can you?

00:12:21Hey, would you be insulted if I, uh, maybe asked her out?

00:12:27Hey, whatever, man.

00:12:27Knock yourself out.

00:12:29How much do you think I could sell this thing for?

00:12:31I don't know.

00:12:31Two bucks?

00:12:32Shit.

00:12:33How do I look?

00:12:35Like Davy Crockett and Ron Jeremy's illegitimate son.

00:12:49I wonder if my mom lived around here.

00:12:51Yeah?

00:12:52What difference would that make?

00:12:53I don't know.

00:12:54I just kind of wish I knew what she was like, you know?

00:12:57I had a mom out of it.

00:12:59Do you remember her?

00:13:00She spent more time working on her hair than she did raising me.

00:13:03Trust me, you're not missing anything.

00:13:04Did you see it?

00:13:19That was moving.

00:13:20Oh, I must have missed it.

00:13:22Well, don't you remember what they said about this place?

00:13:24The Indian burial grounds?

00:13:26The murders?

00:13:27I think this place is haunted.

00:13:29Really?

00:13:30Yeah.

00:13:31Maybe it was the ghost of David Hasselhoff.

00:13:34Or possibly Kit.

00:13:35Why aren't you taking this more serious?

00:13:37The question is, why are you?

00:13:39You know, it comes a certain point in your life.

00:13:40You put on your big boy pants.

00:13:42You stop believing in fairy tales.

00:13:43You start believing in real.

00:13:47Yeah, this house is on it.

00:13:54What?

00:13:55Can we sleep with you tonight, Dad?

00:13:57Aren't you a little old to be sleeping with your parents?

00:13:59Aren't you a little old to be sleeping by yourself?

00:14:02Good point.

00:14:03Okay, come on.

00:14:05This reminds me of that time we had that treehouse together in the backyard.

00:14:08Remember that?

00:14:09Before I got condemned?

00:14:11Just do me a favor, though.

00:14:12Keep an eye on that elf for me, will you?

00:14:14It's creeping me out.

00:14:16Great, now I'm not going to get out of sleep.

00:14:18New family moved in today.

00:14:30It's not your problem, Jason.

00:14:32You tried, you failed.

00:14:33Put it behind you.

00:14:34Yeah, but I don't give up that easel.

00:14:36You tried seven times already.

00:14:39The Vatican is not going to give you approval anymore.

00:14:41Do you know who I am?

00:14:42I'm Father Jason Steiger.

00:14:44If you have a possession, I'm the guy you go to.

00:14:46Martina Winston said no.

00:14:49And you need to accept that.

00:14:51Well, he's going to have to stop.

00:14:52What's that sound?

00:15:03I don't know.

00:15:04I want you to go check it out.

00:15:05I'm not going to go check it out.

00:15:05I want you to go check it out.

00:15:07I'll tell you what.

00:15:07We'll do rock, paper, scissors, and the loser has to go look.

00:15:10Fine.

00:15:11Okay.

00:15:11Ready?

00:15:12On a count of three.

00:15:12Three, two, one.

00:15:13And then I shoot.

00:15:14Okay?

00:15:14Ready?

00:15:14Three, two, one.

00:15:16Boom.

00:15:17Rock.

00:15:17Paper.

00:15:18I win.

00:15:18How do you win?

00:15:19I'm a rock.

00:15:19You're a piece of paper.

00:15:20You know what a rock does with a piece of paper?

00:15:21Yes.

00:15:23My paper covers your rock.

00:15:24No, but you shot first.

00:15:25I shot second.

00:15:26That means that my rock landed on top of your paper and that you have to go.

00:15:30You sure?

00:15:30Now, I win this leave you, bro.

00:15:32You're my bro.

00:15:33So go.

00:15:34And by the way, if you're killed, try to be quiet about it.

00:15:36But you're sleeping.

00:15:39Dad?

00:15:42Dad?

00:15:49What are you doing?

00:15:50See this wall?

00:15:52It's different from the rest.

00:15:54There's something behind here.

00:15:55Well, you can't just break that wall.

00:15:57Hey, I can help Michael Miles.

00:15:59I can do whatever I want.

00:16:01Don't judge me just like your mother.

00:16:04What really happened to my mom?

00:16:08Okay.

00:16:10I guess maybe it's time you learned the truth.

00:16:12It was 1969.

00:16:14Summer of Love.

00:16:15Although I wasn't getting any.

00:16:18This guy hands me a lily.

00:16:20He says, give me some chance.

00:16:22So I said, here's a piece of my fist.

00:16:23You really are the coolest kid in school.

00:16:29What can I do to be more like you?

00:16:32Hey, that tiger don't learn to be a tiger, man.

00:16:35He just is.

00:16:36That's when I locked eyes on her.

00:16:38Connie Cavallaro.

00:16:40She was hot.

00:16:41I was cool.

00:16:43End of story.

00:16:43Fellas, say hello to my future wife.

00:16:47Fuck out.

00:16:48Out of sight.

00:16:51How about a ride at my tent speed?

00:16:53How about not?

00:16:54I'm taken.

00:16:55By who?

00:16:56Bobby Bumble Schmuck.

00:16:58Captain of the track team, soccer team, chess team, junior statesmen of America, and the

00:17:03National Society of Black Aerospace Engineers.

00:17:06And they base the candle off him.

00:17:08I guess that means you're dickless.

00:17:10That's not how it happened in real life.

00:17:15Hey, don't mess up my flashback.

00:17:17Here's what happened.

00:17:17You started flirting with my girl, I called you fat, and then...

00:17:20That might have been the last time I saw Connie, but it was the first time I saw her.

00:17:26I only knew where it was that weird girl the chick-suiter douches at.

00:17:30There was something about this broad.

00:17:32What's your name, Dutz?

00:17:35Sherry.

00:17:37Sherry.

00:17:38Douché.

00:17:40What you in for?

00:17:44I burned down the junior prom.

00:17:47Now this was the girl I was gonna marry.

00:17:49That began a whirlwind romance that culminated in our marriage three months later.

00:17:53We were gonna take the world by storm.

00:17:56That's when I got drafted.

00:17:58I got a Minnesota Vikings junior league and I left your mom in the dust.

00:18:01Nine months later she gave birth to you and then died of a broken heart.

00:18:05Although I believe the technical term for it was self-inflicted gunshot wound.

00:18:08So I was left to raise you.

00:18:11You left mom and then she killed herself?

00:18:13Well at least she waited until after you were born.

00:18:17What kind of man are you?

00:18:19A very crafty one.

00:18:28Got him.

00:18:52I sure hope that's not breakfast.

00:18:58Why should you be the one minding the house when I was here to begin with?

00:19:01Are you following me?

00:19:02Hey, you got a problem. Why don't you just go complain to the governor?

00:19:05Now, if you don't mind me, I've got a screenplay I gotta write.

00:19:08Screenplay about what?

00:19:09People like going to house rooms, right?

00:19:11Some people say that this house is haunted, right?

00:19:14You think this house is haunted?

00:19:15Well, maybe for a second before common sense returns.

00:19:18So, I just write some crap and then I just pass it off as a true story.

00:19:22And the next thing you know, I'm the biggest thing in Hollywood since Frangelina.

00:19:25Never would you lie.

00:19:27Hey, we all lie, baby. Just like you did on your visa application.

00:19:30Boom!

00:19:32So, what do you want it for?

00:19:34Probably got arrested in Ireland for smuggling sheep, or possibly molesting a leprechaun.

00:19:38Either way, game point Caesar. Who's the man? I'm the man.

00:19:41I'm the man.

00:19:42I never smuggle sheep.

00:19:44Hold on a second, guys. Come on, let's go. Enough of this.

00:19:47Just come with me, sweetie.

00:19:51I wasn't about to let her hurt that pretty little face of yours, now was I?

00:19:55You think I'm pretty?

00:19:56So you think I'm pretty?

00:19:58Yeah, you're right.

00:20:00I mean, you're not the most repulsive thing I've ever seen.

00:20:03But I've seen that with you.

00:20:04Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls.

00:20:06You know, you're being kind of aggressive for some girl I don't even know.

00:20:10Why don't you like girls?

00:20:12It's not like anybody.

00:20:14Girls, guys, doesn't matter to me. I'm not interested.

00:20:17Maybe you were just afraid.

00:20:19Look, you know how there's this thing called a libido?

00:20:22Apparently I just never had one. It's a stranger bird-

00:20:24What's that?

00:20:25Where am I?

00:20:26Who are you?

00:20:27I've got to go.

00:20:28Doctor, I've been feeling the urge again.

00:20:31I just see that man.

00:20:33And I want to put my hands all around him.

00:20:35Squeezing harder and harder.

00:20:36But then I think about what I lost.

00:20:38The life I had.

00:20:39Husband, family, soda bread.

00:20:40But maybe this is who I really am after all.

00:20:42Kyla, do not let the demon out of the box.

00:20:49Well, this has got to be the biggest addict I've ever seen.

00:20:54Well, since your last girlfriend at least.

00:20:56Haha.

00:20:57She wasn't an addict.

00:20:58And denial ain't up the river in Detroit.

00:21:00Cool, this thing's such a tonic.

00:21:02Dirty bomb my ass.

00:21:04Look what I found.

00:21:05Look what I found.

00:21:07It's a really special one.

00:21:08You're coming in.

00:21:09I'm coming in.

00:21:10I'm coming in.

00:21:11Maybe I'm coming in.

00:21:12If I had to go ask for a moment.

00:21:13Okay.

00:21:14That's a really good one.

00:21:15I'm coming in.

00:21:16I'm coming out.

00:21:17I'm coming in.

00:21:18I'll be like I'm coming in.

00:21:19I was coming in.

00:21:20Okay.

00:21:21Dirty bomb, my ass.

00:21:23Hey, look what I found.

00:21:24What is that?

00:21:25Looks like a film cast.

00:21:27What is film?

00:21:28It's what they used to make movies on.

00:21:30Really? I always thought that Thomas Edison invented the video camera.

00:21:34Let me show you.

00:21:42G'day. My name's Guy Hunsinger.

00:21:46Now, if anything happens to me, consider this your warning.

00:21:51Me and my wife, we just moved here.

00:21:53We bought this house out real cheap. Too cheap.

00:21:57We got something to hide. Hugo, car kind of cheap.

00:22:01The other night, my father comes to me in a vision.

00:22:04He says, cut your mohawk.

00:22:07So I said, first of all, I don't have a mohawk.

00:22:11And second of all, you've been dead for ten years.

00:22:14So here I am, talking to thin air about my hair.

00:22:17Now, I would have thought it was his ghost.

00:22:20But Han Solo appears and he asks me if I want to go on the Kessel Run with him.

00:22:26I walk into rooms sometimes and they become doorways for other worlds.

00:22:31My emotions!

00:22:33I can't control my emotions!

00:22:35Is it this house?

00:22:37Or am I just...

00:22:40Losing my mind?

00:22:43Guy?

00:22:44Have you seen my knife?

00:22:46What knife would that be, sweetheart?

00:22:49This knife?

00:22:50You can run, but you can't hide!

00:22:52Turn it off!

00:22:53Turn it off!

00:22:54Turn it off!

00:22:55Welcome back!

00:22:56Turn it off!

00:22:57God!

00:22:58Stop saying that!

00:23:01Sorry for the interruption.

00:23:03Hey, neighbors!

00:23:04How many times do I have to tell you?

00:23:05We are not interested.

00:23:06Oh no!

00:23:07Otto's not here to ask you out again.

00:23:08See, I'm just wondering if you happen to notice anything a little abnormal about this house that we moved into?

00:23:15Like what?

00:23:16You know, like people acting strangely, you know, like maybe like, not that I believe in this kind of thing, but like the demonic kind of possession thing.

00:23:30Or maybe things floating around by themselves?

00:23:32Oh no, no, no, not floating around.

00:23:34Like levitating.

00:23:35You know, everything is just going by itself.

00:23:37Why don't you two come inside?

00:23:39Come on in!

00:23:40It's so weird.

00:23:41We never had you over!

00:23:42Come on in!

00:23:43We just want you to lie back and close your eyes.

00:23:46What is this?

00:23:47It's a form of PET scan.

00:23:48Not exactly legal yet.

00:23:49But just relax.

00:23:50Try not to breathe.

00:23:51But is this thing like safe?

00:23:52I think so.

00:23:53Then again, we haven't used it on anyone yet.

00:23:54Firsties!

00:23:55Oh!

00:23:56Take a picture.

00:23:57Upon examining your x-ray, there don't seem to be any particular evidence.

00:24:00I don't know.

00:24:01I don't know.

00:24:02I don't know.

00:24:03I don't know.

00:24:04I don't know.

00:24:05I don't know.

00:24:06I don't know.

00:24:07I don't know.

00:24:08I don't know.

00:24:09I don't know.

00:24:10I don't know.

00:24:11I don't know.

00:24:12That's right.

00:24:13There don't seem to be any particular abnormalities.

00:24:14But look.

00:24:15The anterior centaur gyrus and close frontal lobe looks just like a wee teeny bit distended.

00:24:20You just might want to have that checked out, couldn't we?

00:24:22What that is, I don't think it's good.

00:24:24Great.

00:24:25Now the neighbors think we're crazy.

00:24:26Good job, Otto.

00:24:27What was that?

00:24:29Dad!

00:24:30Dad?

00:24:31Dad?

00:24:32You okay?

00:24:33Dad?

00:24:34Dad?

00:24:35You okay?

00:24:36You okay?

00:24:37Ah!

00:24:38Ah!

00:24:39Ah!

00:24:40Ah!

00:24:41Ah!

00:24:42Ah!

00:24:43Ah!

00:24:44Ah!

00:24:45Ah!

00:24:46Ah!

00:24:47Ah!

00:24:48Over here, boy.

00:24:49Ah!

00:24:50You know there's a skeleton over here.

00:24:51Yeah, a skeleton.

00:24:52Big whoop.

00:24:53Look what I found.

00:24:54Fort Knox of Alcohol.

00:24:551912.

00:24:56Hey, you don't do that.

00:24:57It's like drinking money.

00:24:58Well, how much do you think it's worth?

00:24:59About 150 bottles.

00:25:00A thousand plus each.

00:25:01That's enough to buy a house.

00:25:02At least in Mississippi.

00:25:03But isn't that stealing?

00:25:04That governor probably didn't even know it's here.

00:25:05How could it be stealing if he doesn't know he's got it?

00:25:06Well, what if he finds out?

00:25:07Don't think long-term.

00:25:08Think short-term.

00:25:09That's how I've lived my whole life.

00:25:10Don't tell your brother.

00:25:11I don't know.

00:25:12I don't know.

00:25:13I don't know.

00:25:14I don't know.

00:25:15I don't know.

00:25:16I don't know.

00:25:17I don't know.

00:25:18I don't know.

00:25:19I don't know.

00:25:20I don't know.

00:25:21Think long-term.

00:25:22Think short-term.

00:25:23That's how I've lived my whole life.

00:25:24Don't tell your brother.

00:25:25Go on in on it.

00:25:34We are human.

00:25:35We make mistakes.

00:25:37But that doesn't mean don't be yourself.

00:25:40You know, maybe I don't like these pants and I want to do the sermon in my boxer shorts.

00:25:44So I will do this sermon in my boxers.

00:25:48Hallelujah!

00:25:49Or take a drink of soda out of a chalice.

00:25:52Amen!

00:25:53What if I want to dance?

00:25:54Okay.

00:25:55Usually we have a lot of girls in the show, but tonight it is a sausage party.

00:26:01Or maybe I don't like these clothes at all.

00:26:04Then I will do the sermon naked.

00:26:07And they go.

00:26:09But it doesn't matter.

00:26:11What does matter is that we're good people and we do right by our fellow man.

00:26:15Whoever they might be.

00:26:17Are you finished taking pictures?

00:26:19Can you put this cell phone away?

00:26:21Put it away.

00:26:24If Christ went to Catholic school today, he'd be told to cut his hair and shave his beard.

00:26:29And he's Christ for Christ's sake.

00:26:31Amen!

00:26:32Do not be afraid to rebel.

00:26:34Because ladies and gentlemen, Christ was the ultimate rebel.

00:26:37Now, who wants to hear some metal?

00:26:42Catholic style.

00:26:43Okay.

00:26:44What the fu-

00:26:45I believe he's going rogue, sir.

00:26:46Heavy metal.

00:26:47Frisbee playing priest.

00:26:48It's just not right.

00:26:49Look at this.

00:26:50Not to mention that BTB.

00:26:51Behind the back.

00:26:52And UTL.

00:26:53Under the leg.

00:26:54Are just bad form.

00:26:55Bad form.

00:26:56You know.

00:26:57Frisbee bad form.

00:26:58You know frisbee.

00:26:59Primarily skyrocketed in the 50s.

00:27:01Made of plastic.

00:27:02Whammy.

00:27:03Round disc.

00:27:04Hovers.

00:27:05You throw it.

00:27:06With the wrist, which makes it the key to the hover.

00:27:07You have to flick it.

00:27:08It's like a flying saucer.

00:27:09The old ones from the 50s movies.

00:27:10Not the new kind of hair.

00:27:11No, like the Spielberg.

00:27:12Ah, the...

00:27:13I hate it.

00:27:14The...

00:27:15The...

00:27:16The...

00:27:17The...

00:27:18The...

00:27:19The...

00:27:20The...

00:27:21The...

00:27:22The...

00:27:23The...

00:27:24The...

00:27:25The...

00:27:26The...

00:27:27The...

00:27:28The...

00:27:29The...

00:27:30The...

00:27:31The...

00:27:32The...

00:27:33The...

00:27:34War of the Worlds type classic.

00:27:35It's not like that.

00:27:36No.

00:27:37It's like a...

00:27:38The Day the Earth Stood Still.

00:27:40Mm-hmm.

00:27:41Kind of that one.

00:27:42Ever go to the beach?

00:27:43Summer camp?

00:27:44Picnics at the park with friends.

00:27:45Barment.

00:27:46Youth group?

00:27:47Did you ever go to...

00:27:48Youth group?

00:27:49A church?

00:27:50Youth group's all frisbees.

00:27:51Where did they find you?

00:27:53Anyway...

00:27:55He must be stopped.

00:27:57So I found out my mom's grave site is right around here.

00:28:01Can I take the car?

00:28:03No.

00:28:04But it's like three blocks away.

00:28:06Oh boo hoo hoo.

00:28:07I feel so bad for you.

00:28:08You might have to take your skateboard three blocks.

00:28:10Fine.

00:28:11So what do you think?

00:28:12Huh?

00:28:13You seriously don't know how to spell my name?

00:28:16That's not it?

00:28:18Oh my god!

00:28:19You don't know how to spell my name!

00:28:20C-A-E-S-A-R.

00:28:21You know me how long?

00:28:22How long, brother of mine?

00:28:23Half brother.

00:28:24Doesn't fucking matter!

00:28:25I'm your brother!

00:28:26You had no place to live, I say.

00:28:27Why don't you go live with me?

00:28:28Because I'm an idiot.

00:28:29You stay with me how long?

00:28:30You pay me nothing and you don't know how to spell my name.

00:28:33Not to mention I had to put up with your smell all the time!

00:28:35Fine!

00:28:36Do you want me to fix it?

00:28:37No, don't fix it!

00:28:38I want a reminder of how stupid you are.

00:28:40Oh...

00:28:41Bitch.

00:28:42Bitch.

00:28:47What?

00:28:56Hey!

00:29:06Hello?

00:29:07Hey, you dick!

00:29:08What are you doing running around stealing me like that?

00:29:10Running around like what?

00:29:11You mean that wasn't you just running around before?

00:29:13Tell me you saw that.

00:29:16Yeah.

00:29:17Come with me, big boy.

00:29:18Follow me.

00:29:19Be very quiet.

00:29:20We don't know who or what we're dealing with.

00:29:22Morning!

00:29:23Why do you keep doing this to us?

00:29:25Doing what?

00:29:26I was just trying to get some breakfast.

00:29:28You mean that wasn't you either?

00:29:29Well, it wasn't me either.

00:29:31We've got something serious on our hands.

00:29:35You guys gotta check it out.

00:29:37Check it out.

00:29:38Check it out what?

00:29:39You know what?

00:29:40I always have to go check it out.

00:29:42Ha!

00:29:43Now that's why you shouldn't scare me.

00:29:45Hi!

00:29:46Hey!

00:29:47What are you doing?

00:29:48Oh, when the weather's bad outside, I do my jogging indoors.

00:29:50Oh, come with me.

00:29:51I've got something to show you.

00:29:54October 31st will be our annual Halloween costume party.

00:29:58What do you think of these, Governor?

00:29:59Oh, nice pumpkins.

00:30:00Wonderful, my good man.

00:30:01This year the theme is going to be the bodacious 19-80s.

00:30:06You know what?

00:30:07I think I'll just say no.

00:30:08I'll be in the kitchen.

00:30:09Dudes.

00:30:11He should really learn to chill.

00:30:13That attitude is totally grody to the max.

00:30:15Clearly he does not know how to party hardy.

00:30:17Excuse me, did something strike you as a little bit suspicious about your cook there?

00:30:22Other than occasional trips to psychotherapy for uncontrollable psychotic outbreaks, not particularly.

00:30:26You worry too much.

00:30:28With all due respect, Governor, I take what I do very seriously.

00:30:31Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go talk to some psychics.

00:30:37Martini?

00:30:42You're quite an artist.

00:30:44I wouldn't exactly call this art.

00:30:46Sure it is.

00:30:47Those clippers, that's like your paintbrush.

00:30:49Except there's no paint and no brush.

00:30:52What do you call all this?

00:30:55The brush?

00:30:56Ta-da!

00:30:57Did you know that I paint?

00:30:59Oh yeah?

00:31:00Yeah.

00:31:01I guess you'll have to show me some of your stuff sometime, huh?

00:31:03Oh yeah.

00:31:04Love to.

00:31:05Hey Gilda, I was just making some lemonade.

00:31:06I thought maybe you'd like them.

00:31:08Oh, thank you, Cesar.

00:31:09It's so thoughtful of you.

00:31:10Of course it is.

00:31:11And then when you're done with the lemonade, how about something really nice?

00:31:14Oh.

00:31:15Sure, if you want to gain like a hundred pounds or poison yourself with non-organic refined

00:31:18sugar and genetically modified ingredients, or you can have all this nice, really healthy

00:31:21stuff and not wind up looking like Otto.

00:31:23Oh, thank you.

00:31:24You're too good to me.

00:31:25I am.

00:31:28Game point, Cesar.

00:31:29Oh, let me get the door for you.

00:31:34You just had to ruin it, didn't you?

00:31:37Ruin what?

00:31:38Me and her.

00:31:39Don't try to take away with rightfully mine.

00:31:41You said you didn't even care about her.

00:31:44Well, maybe I do care about her.

00:31:46Why?

00:31:47Because I like her?

00:31:48Pretty much, yeah.

00:31:49And where did you get that bottle of wine from, anyway?

00:31:51Uh, you know, you can have any girl that you want.

00:31:54Well, that's true.

00:31:55But I want this one.

00:31:56Why?

00:31:57Because she likes me, okay?

00:31:59And I like being liked.

00:32:00Isn't that right?

00:32:01Isn't that right, Glamboy?

00:32:03Did you just do that?

00:32:04I didn't do nothing.

00:32:06Hey!

00:32:07See?

00:32:08Listen, I don't know how you're doing that, but you're doing it.

00:32:13What's gonna make this scene work?

00:32:15Oh, I got it.

00:32:16Voice over narration.

00:32:17And then you'll hear my voice, thinking.

00:32:19And it'll be kind of echoing.

00:32:20Caesar.

00:32:21V.O.

00:32:22Caesar thinks, taps his head.

00:32:24Looks exasperated.

00:32:26No, but it's been done before.

00:32:28God damn it.

00:32:29I hate writer's block.

00:32:37Hi, Kyla.

00:32:39No skateboarding in the kitchen.

00:32:44Use it outside.

00:32:46Why are you so mean?

00:32:48Why are you always so happy?

00:32:49I could be happy or I could be upset.

00:32:51I choose to be happy.

00:32:52Then you choose wrong.

00:32:54Everybody you love will disappoint you.

00:32:56Not might disappoint you, will disappoint you.

00:32:58You want children?

00:32:59They will disappoint you.

00:33:00Spy for a career.

00:33:01You study.

00:33:02Go on death.

00:33:03End up underpaid and overworked.

00:33:04We live for nothing and we die for nothing.

00:33:06You don't know who I am.

00:33:07How would you like some ice cream?

00:33:08Yes, I'd love some ice cream.

00:33:10I never have asked you if you wanted ice cream.

00:33:12I gotta go.

00:33:19Do you see that?

00:33:20Kyla?

00:33:21Hello, Arno.

00:33:22Come play with us.

00:33:23Forever.

00:33:24And ever.

00:33:25And ever.

00:33:26And ever.

00:33:40Hello, Otto. Come play with us. Forever. And ever. And ever.

00:33:55Okay. I thought you two were dead.

00:33:58Just clinically dead. For a little while at least. Then the doctor revived us. Before we revived him, if you know what I was saying.

00:34:06How come I get the feeling you two slept with everybody but me?

00:34:10That's what you get for trying too hard.

00:34:12But I loved you. Well, first you, then you. But I loved you.

00:34:17Who are you talking to?

00:34:19Oh, I don't know. I guess I was just talking to myself.

00:34:23Yeah, well, stop interrupting my writer's block.

00:34:26Oh, my God. They were ghosts.

00:34:33And they took my wallet.

00:34:34Oh, my God.

00:34:35Oh, my God.

00:34:36Oh, my God.

00:34:37Oh, my God.

00:34:38Oh, my God.

00:34:39Oh, my God.

00:34:40Oh, my God.

00:34:41Oh, my God.

00:34:42Oh, my God.

00:34:43Oh, my God.

00:34:44Oh, my God.

00:34:45Oh, my God.

00:34:46Oh, my God.

00:34:47Oh, my God.

00:34:48Oh, my God.

00:34:49Oh, my God.

00:34:50Oh, my God.

00:34:51Oh, my God.

00:34:52Oh, my God.

00:34:53Oh, my God.

00:34:54Oh, my God.

00:34:55Oh, my God.

00:34:56Oh, my God.

00:34:57Oh, my God.

00:34:58Oh, my God.

00:34:59Oh, my God.

00:35:00Oh, my God.

00:35:01Staring at the blank page, I can't think of anything to write.

00:35:06Take this and leave me alone.

00:35:07Yeah, since when do I drink?

00:35:08You got writer's block?

00:35:09This will help.

00:35:10Since who?

00:35:11Orwell, Fitzgerald, Kierak.

00:35:14Drinking is what made them great.

00:35:16Yeah, but they also like died before they were 50.

00:35:18But their words live on.

00:35:20That is a good point.

00:35:22I should probably get started today.

00:35:31Did you see the witch?

00:35:44What did you say?

00:35:46That woman.

00:35:47The people around here, we heard all the stories.

00:35:50Lots of stories.

00:35:52I heard that one time she took somebody and threw them right across the room.

00:35:57Just by waving a finger.

00:35:59She was evil.

00:36:01She was my mother.

00:36:03Oh, jeez.

00:36:05I'm sorry, but...

00:36:06Oh, man.

00:36:07I'm really sorry about that.

00:36:09She probably had her good points, but...

00:36:12She was a good dancer, that's what I heard.

00:36:14Shut up, Lenny!

00:36:15Sorry, George.

00:36:16No, no.

00:36:17If she was a witch, she wouldn't have been able to kill herself like she did.

00:36:22Who says she's dead?

00:36:24I've seen her around town.

00:36:26I didn't think anybody recognized her, but I recognized her.

00:36:30It's called by the name, uh...

00:36:33Heartland.

00:36:37Alright, I see an S. Heartland, listed as Director of Operations at a place called Money Launderers.

00:36:43Is that legal?

00:36:44Oh, yeah.

00:36:45It's your typical stocks and dry cleaning place.

00:36:47If you want, I can go check it out.

00:36:49Cesar?

00:36:50Cesar?

00:36:53Hey, Cesar!

00:37:05What's going on?

00:37:06Cesar?

00:37:07So, how do you like my new screenplay?

00:37:08Only a thousand pages.

00:37:09This is the abridged version.

00:37:10I'm currently working on the sequel.

00:37:11You need to tell me you've just been sitting there all this time and just typing the same thing over and over again.

00:37:15No, seriously, I don't even think I'm such a crazy bad man.

00:37:16What kind of crazy person would write this down?

00:37:22Cesar?

00:37:23So how do you like my new screenplay?

00:37:27Only a thousand pages.

00:37:29This is the abridged version.

00:37:31I'm currently working on the sequel.

00:37:33You mean to tell me you've just been sitting there all this time

00:37:35and just typing the same thing over and over again?

00:37:38Seriously, I don't even think I'm such a crazy bad man.

00:37:42What kind of crazy person would write the same thing

00:37:45over and over and over again?

00:37:47All I did was press Ctrl C,

00:37:49highlight a bunch of text, copy it,

00:37:51and then you paste it.

00:37:52Ctrl C, Ctrl V, Ctrl C, Ctrl V.

00:37:55I got the whole thing done like in 20 minutes.

00:37:57Let's put the rest of the time on Facebook.

00:37:59Oh my god, Candy Crunch is so addictive.

00:38:01By the way, I'm gonna need you to restore some of my life points.

00:38:03No.

00:38:04Do you have any idea what my friends would say

00:38:06if they saw me on level 3 and they're at 300?

00:38:08I need your life!

00:38:09Otto, you barely got any friends on Facebook.

00:38:11Meanwhile, I got a whole 200,

00:38:12even though my last profile picture only had 2 likes.

00:38:14My friends suck.

00:38:16Get away from me.

00:38:17Put down the bat, Otto.

00:38:18Don't touch me.

00:38:19Give me the bat, Otto.

00:38:21No! Get away!

00:38:22Give me the bat!

00:38:23No!

00:38:24It's your brother speaking.

00:38:25I just wanna go back to my room.

00:38:26Otto, brother of mine.

00:38:28Sneaker of my household.

00:38:29Pain in the ass.

00:38:30Give me the bat.

00:38:31Okay.

00:38:32Cool, man.

00:38:33You wanna go outside, hit some balls?

00:38:35Sure.

00:38:36I'll get my mitt.

00:38:37Caesar!

00:38:38Yeah?

00:38:39You come here for a minute.

00:38:40If you don't like it when people bully you, then why do you bully them?

00:38:48Maybe it's all I know, Gilda.

00:38:50My father used to pick on me every single time he saw me that's when he was there.

00:38:54The only thing I learned from my mother is how to watch TV.

00:38:58If I found myself talking to Gary Coleman more than I did to her, it'd be like,

00:39:02What you talking about, Gary?

00:39:04And then he would say back to me,

00:39:06No.

00:39:07What you talking about?

00:39:09I guess I just have a lot of resentment.

00:39:12Move away with me.

00:39:15Are you serious?

00:39:17Move away with me, Caesar.

00:39:19We put this whole world behind us.

00:39:21Wow.

00:39:39You know what we should do?

00:39:44We should do one of those clothes drawing out montages.

00:39:47You know what I mean?

00:39:48Like I go to the store, and I wear one shirt, and they cut to you, and you're like,

00:39:50Ah.

00:39:51Then you cut to me again, and I'm magically wearing another shirt, and you're like,

00:39:53No, that's even worse.

00:39:54Then you cut to me again, and I'm like, I'm wearing a Speedo or something really ridiculous,

00:39:57and you're like, Ah, what am I gonna do with this guy?

00:40:00It's just what all the romantic couples do, you know?

00:40:02Yeah.

00:40:03I think that's been done before.

00:40:04You know what else has been done before?

00:40:05This!

00:40:06You know, honey, we're really gonna have to do something about that.

00:40:08Lisp.

00:40:09What Lisp?

00:40:10No, no, no.

00:40:11Don't be so ridiculous.

00:40:15Ridiculous.

00:40:16No, Caesar, annunciate.

00:40:19Ridiculous.

00:40:21Ridiculous!

00:40:22You got that?

00:40:24You have to stop popping out of nowhere on me and get really sick of this fucking bitch.

00:40:32This is ridiculous.

00:40:33I say, who in the audience is gonna want to watch a character without knowing for 90 minutes?

00:40:37This casting director looks at me like I just violated an altar part or something.

00:40:42Wow, his speech has gotten so much better.

00:40:44Now if I could just get him to grow a beard.

00:40:47The governor's willing to sell you this house for a steal.

00:40:50It's such a perfect home for newlyweds like you.

00:40:53We love it!

00:40:54Oh, honey, our life's gonna be so great together.

00:41:01Oh my god, I'm so cold!

00:41:02Maybe you shouldn't walk around with your shirt off so much.

00:41:05What a ridiculous thing to say!

00:41:07Mommy!

00:41:08Mommy!

00:41:09Look what Captain Rudy told me to draw!

00:41:10Aw, sweetie.

00:41:11You know Captain Rudy's just your imaginary friend that keeps telling you this house is haunted.

00:41:16This is crap!

00:41:20Stop crying and act like a man!

00:41:21But I'm a girl!

00:41:22Don't you sass talk me!

00:41:24Now you go outside and get step-pop-ass and firewood!

00:41:26He's freezing!

00:41:27Don't talk to my children like that!

00:41:29What did you say, honey?

00:41:30I couldn't hear you over the cold temperature!

00:41:32Will you please leave that fire alone and listen to me!

00:41:36You're the one who owned this house!

00:41:37So that makes this shitty up time!

00:41:39Your beard looks ridiculous!

00:41:42I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.

00:41:50I think I've hurt my hand.

00:41:52Now my hand-modeling career is over!

00:41:55You know, domestic violence is a serious offense.

00:41:57Someone's annoying the hell out of me!

00:42:02Stop hitting yourself, stupid!

00:42:03Stop hitting yourself!

00:42:05Stop hitting yourself, stupid!

00:42:06Stop hitting yourself!

00:42:09And now, my dear Gilda...

00:42:12It is your turn...

00:42:14...to DIE!

00:42:20These are speech pathologists!

00:42:22Actually, it's undercover detective Ernest Dorkinlot.

00:42:25Why?

00:42:27I can't believe I shot such a handsome man.

00:42:30I guess his soul is at peace now.

00:42:43Now that's the way you end a screenplay.

00:42:45It felt mostly like filler to me.

00:42:47My screenwriting professor, I thought you were dead.

00:42:49After reading your screenplay, I wish I was!

00:42:51And how exactly do you propose passing this off as a true story when you're still alive?

00:42:56Well, it's simply because the, uh, uh, detective merely shot the evil spirit out of me.

00:43:02What happened?

00:43:03I think the detective shot the demon out of you.

00:43:05Thank goodness.

00:43:06Boom, bam, done.

00:43:07And you got a happy ending as well.

00:43:09Great!

00:43:10Now your generic monstrosity of a hacked screenplay has the added bonus of a tacked-on ending.

00:43:15Generic?

00:43:16You take a trope and turn it into tripe.

00:43:18Name one original thought in here.

00:43:20Little girl communicating with the dead?

00:43:23Yeah.

00:43:24The Exorcist, Poltergeist, The Conjuring, Emityville 79, and 2005.

00:43:28Okay, then we'll just change it to a little, uh, boy.

00:43:33Huh?

00:43:34Why don't you name him Danny and have him say Red Room?

00:43:37So everybody rips off everybody.

00:43:38It's just a matter of how creatively you rip people off.

00:43:41Caesar Donovio.

00:43:42Yet another student unwilling to accept criticism.

00:43:45That's because everybody gets me except for you.

00:43:47Really?

00:43:48Have you looked at your immune?

00:43:50I'm not aware of any bad immune.

00:43:51This is the kind of film that makes most YouTube videos a professional.

00:43:56The camera work is terrible, the acting is worse,

00:43:58once the script misfires on every consumable level.

00:44:01Bad, bad, bad, bad!

00:44:04What's wrong with that one?

00:44:05The lead guy, Caesar, has to be the worst character ever caught on film.

00:44:08It is painfully awful to sit through.

00:44:10I was just waiting for them all to die.

00:44:13Yeah, my mother wrote that one.

00:44:14While Caesar is hyperactive and ceaselessly annoying,

00:44:16I actually found Otto somewhat funny and somewhat charming.

00:44:19Okay, now that just crosses the line.

00:44:21That's a bunch of bullshit.

00:44:22Don't I feel like crap?

00:44:24My work here is done.

00:44:29It's the last time I drink.

00:44:33Is it just that people don't get me?

00:44:35No, it's that if you want to market yourself as a comedy duo,

00:44:38you have to understand that the modern audience could give a crap about old school vaudeville and wordplay.

00:44:43And they want dick jokes and they want drug references.

00:44:46Exactly.

00:44:47But what are you talking about? I'm trying to make a serious horror film here.

00:44:49Then you need to start studying the economics of the marketplace.

00:44:52What are you talking about?

00:44:54Sorry, this is just nerd talk. We're like huge macroeconomic theorists.

00:44:57Yeah, we study the trend. We know what's going on.

00:45:00I mean, as much as we can while studying for medical school.

00:45:03The thing is, reality TV is today. You know what I mean?

00:45:06Found footage movies? Natural extension of that.

00:45:08Yeah, but those are awful.

00:45:10Yeah, but we're not talking about quality here.

00:45:13People go see found footage films because they think they're real.

00:45:16Costs the studios nothing to make, makes the studios a fortune.

00:45:19If you want to be in this industry, you have to learn language.

00:45:22We almost had a reality TV show.

00:45:24We did.

00:45:25We quit after three days.

00:45:26Well, it's because we had a little bit of integrity.

00:45:28Integrity? That's interesting. I've heard of that.

00:45:31By the way, what did you ever do with those cameras you used from that TV show?

00:45:38Oh, hello, officer.

00:45:45Good afternoon, sir.

00:45:46Welcome to Money Launderers. How can I help you?

00:45:48Thank you. Yes, does a woman named Sherry work here?

00:45:52Yeah, but she pretty much just works the drive-thru window.

00:45:55Drive-thru window? How does that work?

00:45:58They bring their clothes, they drop them off, she takes them back,

00:46:01and also one of the stops at the squawk box.

00:46:03In fact, officer, I think you're in luck.

00:46:05There she is down there.

00:46:07Sherry?

00:46:11Oh, shoot!

00:46:13Hey! I just want to talk to you!

00:46:19Hey! I just want to talk to you!

00:46:21Sherry, I'm warning you! I'm a good runner!

00:46:25Go over! Go over!

00:46:28Go over!

00:46:31Oh!

00:46:32My Lord, no!

00:46:39Oh, I should probably return those socks.

00:46:42Well, here you go.

00:46:44You really think it was her?

00:46:45Well, whoever she is, she's got something to hide.

00:46:47But it doesn't hurt for you to talk to her.

00:46:49Otto, hand me that pair of pliers.

00:46:52I said pliers, dummy, not a screwdriver!

00:46:54What are you doing up there?

00:46:55I got my hands on ten cameras from those chicks next door.

00:46:58We keep these cameras rolling and chronicle everything that happens,

00:47:00and then I cut it together for a production meeting I have with B. Ikeny Productions.

00:47:04B. Ikeny Productions?

00:47:05Yes, this new up-star company.

00:47:07They sound amazing.

00:47:09Now let's turn this mother out.

00:47:17Did you hear that?

00:47:18What?

00:47:26I guess it was not there.

00:47:27What?

00:47:31No, that I heard.

00:47:33Stay here, Otto.

00:47:34I'll go check that out.

00:47:48Alright, I guess there's nothing.

00:47:55When you said you were bringing home a bitch, this is what I had in mind.

00:47:58Hey, Otto, who's that guy you just let in here?

00:48:00Yeah, it's Jehovah Witness.

00:48:02Are they supposed to be taking our stuff?

00:48:05No.

00:48:07Oh my god, this is so boring. Nothing's happening.

00:48:09Hey, you know, well, nothing happens in those paranormal activity movies either.

00:48:15Those are like huge hits.

00:48:17Really?

00:48:19Yeah, a bunch of just really long shots of people talking.

00:48:22Then nothing even happens until the very end.

00:48:25No soundtrack.

00:48:27Nothing.

00:48:28Sounds fascinating.

00:48:29Holy shit, something happened!

00:48:30I'm afraid that was just me.

00:48:31Ah, son of a bitch!

00:48:33Look, I know what you're probably thinking.

00:48:34You're probably thinking this is the most boring film you've ever seen in your life.

00:48:49I've been on church retreats that were more exciting than this.

00:48:52But at the 90 minute point, a hanging pot drops to the floor.

00:48:57And it's terrifying.

00:49:00Do you have any idea what kind of movies we make here?

00:49:06You see, we have bikini films here.

00:49:08We like to focus on movies about swimwear.

00:49:12We have bikini Shakespeare.

00:49:15Bikini carwalk.

00:49:17Bikini carpool.

00:49:18We have bikini waterboarding.

00:49:20Now that did very well with the soldiers overseas.

00:49:23And that played in the theater.

00:49:25There's not a dry eye in the house afterwards.

00:49:27Remember, girls?

00:49:29Exactly.

00:49:30Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all well and good.

00:49:31But we're here to talk about my movie.

00:49:33Marketplace is filled with found footage films.

00:49:36Add some bikini girls.

00:49:37Then maybe, maybe you got something.

00:49:40Now, pretend just for a moment that you're a guy.

00:49:44What do you want to see in a movie?

00:49:48You want to see some T and A, right?

00:49:51Exactly.

00:49:52But boobs and tush if you want to be more PG about it.

00:49:55Right?

00:49:56Would you look at the song?

00:49:57Well, thank you very much.

00:49:59Some feminine view of it.

00:50:01Well, it's not called schlong and dong.

00:50:03It's tits and ass.

00:50:05Exactly.

00:50:06Women got the goods.

00:50:07Why should men get to profit off of this?

00:50:09Right on, sister.

00:50:11Mm-hmm.

00:50:12Just show a little side boob in your movie.

00:50:15What's the big deal?

00:50:17Side boob does sell very well.

00:50:19Exactly.

00:50:21You girls listen to me.

00:50:22I'm not going to let you cheapen my film with some obligatory side boob shot that doesn't advance the plot at all and is simply there for marketing purposes.

00:50:28Then I'm afraid we can't do any business together.

00:50:32Lexi!

00:50:33Who's this big woman?

00:50:34She's Amazonian and it scares me!

00:50:36Oh, come on.

00:50:37Come on.

00:50:38Come on.

00:50:39Come on.

00:50:40Let's go.

00:50:41Hey, this is Father Jason.

00:50:45Hey, I'm going to need an exorcism for my mother, but I couldn't get Vatican approval.

00:50:50No problem.

00:50:51If you keep doing this, you know it's going to catch up with you.

00:50:55I don't live by your rules, Jude. The world needs a guy like me.

00:50:58Your pride's going to be your downfall.

00:51:01Not when you're this good.

00:51:06Vatican police.

00:51:07Drop the Bible.

00:51:08We ain't playing games, son.

00:51:12He said, drop the Bible.

00:51:15Where's my 30 bucks?

00:51:18I never thought you'd betray me, dude.

00:51:20Shit happens.

00:51:22Now come here and give me a kiss before you go.

00:51:32Welcome to Money Launders.

00:51:33Can I take your laundry or update your 401k today?

00:51:36Hey, um, I just want to ask you a couple questions.

00:51:40If that's okay.

00:51:42Well, what can I help you with?

00:51:45Your last name's Hartland, right?

00:51:47This is Otto.

00:51:49Your son, Otto?

00:51:51I have no son.

00:51:53Well, maybe you do or maybe you don't.

00:51:55But just hear me out.

00:51:56I never really had a mom.

00:51:59Well, I had like five stepmoms, but...

00:52:02We have another customer, sir.

00:52:03We just moved back here.

00:52:05I'm at the house on the corner of Avenue Street.

00:52:08And if this is you, Ma, I don't even care if you left me.

00:52:12Just... I just want to know...

00:52:14Hello?

00:52:16Hold on.

00:52:17Hello?

00:52:18Otto, where's my happy car?

00:52:19Shit, I gotta go.

00:52:24We've done a little research on you.

00:52:27And look what we found.

00:52:31Hi, I'm Father Jason Steiger.

00:52:34And if you need an exorcism and the Vatican won't approve it, just call me.

00:52:38Not only will I perform the exorcism, but I'll like doing it.

00:52:43Is that right?

00:52:45I demand that you release her!

00:52:48Now!

00:52:49Why are you a priest?

00:52:51I demand that you release her at once!

00:52:53Your power against me!

00:52:55Now!

00:52:58What happened?

00:53:00Yeah, boy! I just saved you! That's what happened?

00:53:04You spiked the cross.

00:53:06It's not that big of a deal. Lighten up!

00:53:09You break the rules!

00:53:11You flagrantly defy the commandments!

00:53:14I'm afraid we can't help you at this church, or any other church for that matter!

00:53:19Stop overacting!

00:53:21You stop overacting!

00:53:24Now hand me your collar, sir!

00:53:28Remove it from thy neck and place it in thine hands!

00:53:32Severing the tie of faith between you and his holiness!

00:53:39How you've defiled us, sir!

00:53:42How you've ruined us!

00:53:44You bring shame upon our house!

00:53:47Is that too much?

00:53:49Can you hand it to me?

00:53:50Oh, oh!

00:53:52Oh, oh!

00:53:54Oh, oh!

00:53:56Oh, oh!

00:53:57Oh, now you're angry!

00:53:58Great!

00:54:00Hey, this one I'm drinking!

00:54:02You guys coming to the party?

00:54:03Give us one good reason why.

00:54:05There's a $50 prize for best costume!

00:54:08Let's get this party started!

00:54:11Oh my god, it's so grainy in here!

00:54:13Hey, guys! Fantastic costumes!

00:54:15Hey, thanks a lot, man!

00:54:16What do you guys do?

00:54:17Well, I'm an actor, and these guys are unemployed!

00:54:20Really? I'm an actor, too!

00:54:21Really?

00:54:22Me and my friends were just in a horror movie.

00:54:24They were extras, and I was in under five.

00:54:28So, you had under five lines, and they didn't say anything.

00:54:30I guess that means you're done talking, you know what I'm saying?

00:54:33Hey!

00:54:35Desperately seeking political office, I said.

00:54:37So, if this was an 80s party,

00:54:38how come this is not actual 80s music?

00:54:40Oh, it was simply a royalty, did you?

00:54:42Actually, 80s music would cost too much to license.

00:54:46Good to know! Thank you so much!

00:54:49Dad, you know, you don't have to drink the entire bottle.

00:54:52No, the best way to drink wine is really fast.

00:54:56Now it's a party.

00:54:57You might want to put AA on your speed dial.

00:55:02So, uh, you've been on patrol before?

00:55:08First time.

00:55:10How long have you been a cop?

00:55:12A few weeks.

00:55:14A few weeks? Well, what'd you do before?

00:55:17I was a librarian.

00:55:19Oh.

00:55:20This is my second career.

00:55:21I thought it might be fun.

00:55:23I see.

00:55:26Does that thing really work?

00:55:28Of course not, it's just a board game.

00:55:30Well, I'll ask you to, uh, if my mother's still alive.

00:55:38What just happened?

00:55:40That's what I'd like to know.

00:55:42Well, don't look at me.

00:55:44Duty calls, Caesar.

00:55:46Emergency meeting at the Capitol.

00:55:47Whatever happens here is solely your responsibility.

00:55:50Wait, what? Bye-bye!

00:55:51Bye-bye!

00:55:52What are you talking about?

00:55:53There's things you don't know about me.

00:55:56What kinds of things?

00:55:58I get these verges I can't control.

00:56:01What kinds of verges?

00:56:02Oh, so much for a trip together.

00:56:04I guess life got in the way.

00:56:05Oh, I see.

00:56:06So you just pick a guy up and knock him right down.

00:56:09A busy girl, Caesar.

00:56:10Busy with what? The local football team?

00:56:11I see him have more power.

00:56:13They have to have him.

00:56:17Oh, boy.

00:56:18Do you understand me?

00:56:19They call me the name of God.

00:56:20Right now you are the one I want.

00:56:23Oh, my God. It's gonna happen.

00:56:24We don't get anything going on between us.

00:56:25It doesn't matter.

00:56:26You can do what you want.

00:56:27You're a free girl.

00:56:29You're not gonna get me jealous about anything.

00:56:33Otto, come dance with me.

00:56:34Come dance with me.

00:56:37Hey, get off my woman!

00:56:40Hey, who turned out the lights?

00:56:42Okay, everybody, hold on.

00:56:43I'm gonna find the circuit breaker.

00:56:44I'm gonna take care of this in one second.

00:56:47Sorry, I almost had it.

00:56:48Everybody just stay calm.

00:56:52Shoot, I almost had it again.

00:56:53Wait, did you hear that?

00:56:55Music?

00:56:57No.

00:56:58Screaming.

00:56:59Let's go.

00:57:00Go where?

00:57:01Here.

00:57:04Okay, now I got it.

00:57:09Hang in there.

00:57:11At least I gotta close up.

00:57:14Kyla, don't look.

00:57:16Kyla?

00:57:18Whoa!

00:57:20Why does this have to happen now?

00:57:22Oh!

00:57:24Old evocately.

00:57:26Everybody down!

00:57:28Everybody is down.

00:57:30Oh, golly.

00:57:32Hey, Chief, you better get down here.

00:57:36What I wanna know is, who is at the party who's not here now?

00:57:40And what I wanna know is, do I win best costume by the fall now?

00:57:43Go sit in the corner.

00:57:44Well, there's Gilda, she's the gardener.

00:57:47Let's find her.

00:57:48Also, Fred Donovio, the boy's father, has a bit of a criminal record if I'm not mistaken.

00:57:52All right, kid.

00:57:53Talk.

00:57:54Where's your dad?

00:57:55I don't know where he is.

00:57:57Search the house.

00:57:58Put out an APB.

00:58:00Look, my dad's a lot of things, but he sure as hell is not a murderer.

00:58:03Hello?

00:58:05Hello?

00:58:06Caesar?

00:58:07His voice is coming from the TV.

00:58:10Dad, where are you?

00:58:12I don't know.

00:58:13I saw everyone getting killed, so I ran.

00:58:16But it's cold and dark here.

00:58:18I'm just glad I brought my wine.

00:58:20He's on the other side.

00:58:22The other side of what?

00:58:24You know, the other side.

00:58:27Crossed over, in limbo.

00:58:29The dark side of the moon?

00:58:30Precisely.

00:58:32I deal in hard facts, Deputy.

00:58:34Not ghosts, not spirits, not obscure Pink Floyd references.

00:58:40Look, I know it's unconventional, but there's two people I think we should call in.

00:58:45They deal with this kind of stuff all the time.

00:58:48This state has become overrun with marauders and homespun terrors, and we have become helpless in the face of it.

00:58:56The only way to prevent any further scourge, and to restore order in this great land, is with the immediate ratification of martial law.

00:59:05Wait a second.

00:59:07If we approve this, then you have the authority to do whatever you want.

00:59:12Only for the short term.

00:59:14Unless you refuse to give those powers back.

00:59:15I mean, look, you have a 5% approval rating, and your policies have been nothing short of destructive.

00:59:21People have been screaming for you to step down, and now you want absolute power.

00:59:25I think not, Dither.

00:59:28I do appreciate the candor.

00:59:31But that also can be construed as traitorous insubordination, as per our reinstated Alien and Sedition Act.

00:59:38Let me take him away, at least.

00:59:40There's always one.

00:59:41In every group.

00:59:43Bye-bye!

00:59:44Crime is exploding across California, after a murderous rampage in the governor's summer home, and subsequent declaration of martial law.

00:59:51People are going crazy, but we're open for business, so come on down!

00:59:54Hey! Hey! I haven't even had a break in three days!

00:59:57This is illegal, mother .

00:59:58Nothing's illegal now!

00:59:59It's chaos!

01:00:00Oh yeah, .

01:00:01It's illegal, huh?

01:00:02How about this?

01:00:03Whoa!

01:00:05Okay, take your break!

01:00:06Take your break!

01:00:08Everyone, this is Lakota and Elijah Warwick.

01:00:11Hello, hello, hello, hello.

01:00:13Hello.

01:00:14Hello!

01:00:15Why didn't you say hello?

01:00:16A nod is the same thing as saying hello.

01:00:18I said hello via a nod.

01:00:19I wanted you to be friendly and say hello.

01:00:21Why are you trying to open control on my kids?

01:00:23Fine, I'll see you all.

01:00:24Hello.

01:00:25Hello.

01:00:26Are you happy now?

01:00:27Very.

01:00:28Good.

01:00:29Hello.

01:00:30You two talk to ghosts.

01:00:31Oh no, no.

01:00:32Of course not.

01:00:33No.

01:00:34Only when she gets fucked up.

01:00:35No.

01:00:36No, you're fucked up!

01:00:37I'm fucked up!

01:00:38You get more fucked up than me.

01:00:39No, you do.

01:00:40So many times.

01:00:41So what do you do?

01:00:42I actually, I just monitor them.

01:00:44And you?

01:00:45I see shadows of times past.

01:00:48So you're like the husband and wife team from The Conjuring.

01:00:53Well, for copyright purposes, I'm gonna say no.

01:00:59No.

01:01:02This house.

01:01:03It has a history.

01:01:06I'm gonna shoot you in the face of his sleep.

01:01:08And then, I'm gonna sleep with my sister.

01:01:11A dreadful history.

01:01:13Yeah, well, common sense.

01:01:14I think we could use a drink.

01:01:15That coffee.

01:01:16Who got it?

01:01:17And there was a basement.

01:01:19Basement, eh?

01:01:20And it was a speakeasy.

01:01:22Oh my god, I love it.

01:01:24Isn't it great?

01:01:25Are you guys checking out my wife's ass?

01:01:27Yeah.

01:01:28And there was a woman.

01:01:29An old woman.

01:01:31And there were murders.

01:01:33So many murders.

01:01:36Where's my father?

01:01:37Oh, he's here.

01:01:38Where?

01:01:39I don't know.

01:01:40Thanks for coming.

01:01:41Send us the bill.

01:01:42Wait.

01:01:43There's another way we can do this.

01:01:44Okay, so I'm going where now?

01:01:45You're going to the other side.

01:01:46You'll be able to tell us where your father is.

01:01:47Okay, so we do this how?

01:01:48Take a deep breath.

01:01:49You're gonna listen to the metronome.

01:01:50And your spirit will cross over.

01:01:51Okay.

01:01:52What are you doing with your leg?

01:01:53I don't know.

01:01:54What am I doing with my leg?

01:01:55Stop shaking your leg.

01:01:56I am?

01:01:57Just breathe and relax and listen to my voice.

01:01:58We ask you to stop shaking your leg.

01:01:59Sorry, I just got this restless leg syndrome.

01:02:00It all started back in junior high school.

01:02:01I can barely sleep at night.

01:02:02Somebody please get this guy some alcohol.

01:02:03What?

01:02:04What?

01:02:05What?

01:02:06What?

01:02:07What?

01:02:08What?

01:02:09What?

01:02:10What?

01:02:11What?

01:02:12What?

01:02:13What?

01:02:14What?

01:02:15What?

01:02:16What?

01:02:17What?

01:02:18What?

01:02:19What?

01:02:20What?

01:02:21What?

01:02:22What?

01:02:23What?

01:02:24What?

01:02:25What?

01:02:26What?

01:02:27Ap cores.

01:02:28How about it?

01:02:29How about it?

01:02:30I'm an alcohol?

01:02:31Well, you know, I'm really not much of a drinker, but when in Rome, I might as well

01:02:33just go...

01:02:34Lifeta winken.

01:02:40Okay.

01:02:41Okay, take a deep breath, and relax.

01:02:44And listen to the metronome.

01:02:48What is this place?

01:02:49I feel so colorful.

01:02:50You're in the Alternate Realm.

01:02:52It's here you're likely to find your Father.

01:02:53By the way, you're looking a little pale.

01:02:55I might want to get some sun.

01:02:57Not you, though. You look tan even in black and white.

01:03:01I see a tunnel. I'm going into it.

01:03:08I have no idea where I am right now.

01:03:10I just keep hearing these voices. I don't know where they're coming from.

01:03:13Dad? Are you around here, Dad?

01:03:17Just keep looking.

01:03:19Don't tell me what to do. I'll tell you how to do your job.

01:03:23Dad?

01:03:29Wow. I don't believe it.

01:03:32Where are you?

01:03:33I'm in this dollhouse I had when I was a kid.

01:03:36Look who it is. The guy who just stopped playing with me for no reason.

01:03:41When I was 12 years old and all the kids were making fun of me.

01:03:44Dude, I thought we were friends.

01:03:45I'm sorry!

01:03:53Well, look who it is. It's Little Caesar DeNovio.

01:04:01Oh my god, it's Mike Nedwick.

01:04:03He's going to beat me up almost every day in junior high school and ruin my self-esteem for like 20 years.

01:04:07Where's your Ben doll now, you big fairy?

01:04:10Just ignore him, Caesar. Keep moving.

01:04:12Oh no. I've waited way too long for this.

01:04:16I'll show you where my Ben doll is.

01:04:18He's a little big dickhead.

01:04:20How do you like that? How big a truck would I say?

01:04:23Stop it!

01:04:24One day you're going to beat me up.

01:04:26Ball of it!

01:04:27I'm driving a high-screen truck!

01:04:29Your wife's going to leave you!

01:04:30Do any twister! Do any twister!

01:04:32Stop it!

01:04:33I'm sorry!

01:04:34I had a bad childhood!

01:04:38Oh no, I feel so bad now.

01:04:41I'm sorry, kid.

01:04:43But just one more thing before I go.

01:04:45Hopefully this will make things square between the two of us.

01:04:49Score!

01:04:50I'm not getting any readings at all.

01:04:53If I wouldn't know any better, I would say this house isn't haunted.

01:05:00Oh my god, it's my father.

01:05:02Ask him where he is.

01:05:03Dad, did you hear that or should I just repeat?

01:05:05Close. I am very close.

01:05:09What does that mean?

01:05:11Look for me where I receive my payment.

01:05:14I don't know where you get paid.

01:05:15You gotta stop speaking in riddles there, man.

01:05:17If people pay me, they pay me this place.

01:05:21Right.

01:05:22I have no idea what that means.

01:05:24Wait.

01:05:26When I drink, this is where you find me.

01:05:29The bar!

01:05:30Uh...

01:05:31The brothel.

01:05:32Wait, no.

01:05:33The 7-Eleven parking lot with a bunch of teenagers.

01:05:36Some might say I drink them under the...

01:05:38Tusken Sun.

01:05:40The Priest Sun.

01:05:41Schmuck under the table!

01:05:42I've heard of that expression before.

01:05:44What does that mean?

01:05:46He's possessed!

01:05:47Handle it, rookie.

01:05:48Alright.

01:05:49I got a flashlight.

01:05:53Hey, I got some librarian!

01:05:54Dad, what are you doing?

01:05:55Where are the car keys?

01:05:56Do you have the car keys?

01:05:57You always have the keys!

01:05:58Don't drive!

01:05:59Don't drive!

01:06:00Oh my god!

01:06:01No!

01:06:02Don't hit me!

01:06:03I love you!

01:06:06Look out!

01:06:07He's from a puke!

01:06:08I'm okay.

01:06:09I got him!

01:06:10I got him!

01:06:11I got him!

01:06:12Get some rope!

01:06:13Tie him up!

01:06:14I got him!

01:06:15Get in!

01:06:16Get in!

01:06:17Come on!

01:06:18Let's go!

01:06:19Where are you going?

01:06:20We're not equipped for this sort of thing.

01:06:21We can't help you!

01:06:22Sorry!

01:06:23Bye!

01:06:24Now what do we do?

01:06:25You need an exorcist.

01:06:26I don't even know where to find one.

01:06:27Heard of the internet, dumbass?

01:06:28Google search.

01:06:29Priest plus exorcism plus Fairfield.

01:06:30Right.

01:06:32No.

01:06:34My wallet!

01:06:35Hello?

01:06:36Hi.

01:06:37I live on Avenue Street.

01:06:38We have a problem here I think you can help me with.

01:06:39We need a priest.

01:06:40Oh, well.

01:06:41That's too bad I'm not a priest anymore.

01:06:42Guys, I'm gonna cash out.

01:06:43Come on.

01:06:44Jesus hates quitters, buddy.

01:06:45I'm done!

01:06:46Come on!

01:06:47Come on!

01:06:48Come on!

01:06:49I'm done!

01:06:50Come on!

01:06:51Come on!

01:06:52Come on!

01:06:53Come on!

01:06:54Come on!

01:06:55Come on!

01:06:56Come on!

01:06:57Come on!

01:06:58Come on!

01:06:59Come on!

01:07:00Come on!

01:07:01Come on!

01:07:02Come on!

01:07:03Come on!

01:07:04Yes?

01:07:07Listen to me.

01:07:08You're the only one around here that can do this.

01:07:10It's an emergency.

01:07:11I've tried seven exorcisms at that house.

01:07:14And they always end the same way.

01:07:16There's nothing I can do for you.

01:07:17And if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna get back to eating my ten hamburgers.

01:07:21It's an ass.

01:07:22It's an ass!

01:07:23It's an ass!

01:07:24It's an ass!

01:07:25Lady!

01:07:26It's an ass!

01:07:27Why do you keep calling me?

01:07:28You need to hear me out.

01:07:29Hi, honey.

01:07:30How many times does the guy have to say, he's not interested?

01:07:31Who the hell is this?

01:07:32This is Jason's fiancee.

01:07:33His what?

01:07:34Yeah, we got engaged three hours ago.

01:07:35We're in the middle of a little pre-wedding planning.

01:07:36If you catch my drift.

01:07:37Just put him back on the phone.

01:07:38Your friend's no plan.

01:07:39Think about something, Jason.

01:07:40Why'd you become a priest?

01:07:41I don't know.

01:07:42The world needs heroes.

01:07:43It's just a unique career.

01:07:44There is nothing.

01:07:45You get an ass.

01:07:46You get an ass.

01:07:47He's all good.

01:07:48You get an ass.

01:07:49No?

01:07:50Because we've got to be good.

01:07:51I'm gonna get an ass.

01:07:52That's good.

01:07:53And you get an ass!

01:07:54My ass!

01:07:55Anyway, thank you very much.

01:07:56You have to be the guy who has the name of God.

01:07:58This is Jason.

01:07:59Hi.

01:08:00How many times does the guy have to say, he's not interested?

01:08:02Who the hell is this?

01:08:03This is Jason's fiancee.

01:08:04His what?

01:08:05Yeah, we got engaged three hours ago.

01:08:06heroes, someone to light the darkness, uh, give moral guidance?

01:08:11No!

01:08:12Oh, you being a hero now?

01:08:13I don't care if you're a priest anymore, just please help us.

01:08:20I gotta go.

01:08:21Aww, where to?

01:08:23Duty calls, baby.

01:08:25Hey, Dad, if you weren't in some kind of ghost world, how were you talking to us from

01:08:33the TV?

01:08:34I picked up one of those cameras you had floating around, held it up to my face and

01:08:38said, help me, it's cold and dark in here.

01:08:41Oh, that's slow, Dad.

01:08:45That's even lower than you telling Otto that he should live with me.

01:08:48Hey!

01:08:49Get a little sick and tired of you throwing things at me!

01:08:53I didn't throw anything at you.

01:08:54So I guess these things are just throwing themselves!

01:08:56Ow!

01:08:57Stop touching my shit!

01:08:58Maybe I wasn't throwing stuff at you, but now I am!

01:09:01Ah!

01:09:02You missed!

01:09:03Ow!

01:09:04Knock it off, you two!

01:09:05You're grounded!

01:09:06Great-tannity!

01:09:07Shut up!

01:09:08Oh, that's it.

01:09:10Oh, that's it.

01:09:11That's it.

01:09:12That's smelly slippers!

01:09:13Oh!

01:09:14No!

01:09:15Stop touching my soul!

01:09:16Oh!

01:09:17How do you like this other shoe?

01:09:19This one's gonna smell ya!

01:09:21Oh!

01:09:22Now you're dead!

01:09:23Now you're dead!

01:09:24I don't know how, but I'm gonna kill you!

01:09:25Where is he?

01:09:26Father?

01:09:27Um, he's upstairs in his bedroom.

01:09:32Lord, please let me do this.

01:09:35I have failed others, and I have failed myself, but whenever evil lurks in this house, you have to help me to defeat it.

01:09:42I give my soul, and my soul to take.

01:09:46Praise to Jesus, hallelujah, rock on.

01:09:49How do you like that up here?

01:09:50No!

01:09:51Now I gotcha!

01:09:52Now I gotcha!

01:09:53Uh, who was that?

01:09:58I think it was the priest.

01:09:59Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

01:10:01Shit!

01:10:02Okay.

01:10:03Okay, everybody just calm down and think.

01:10:05Now we've all seen movies on exorcisms.

01:10:07Now those are supposed to be based on true stories.

01:10:09So now if we just do what they did in those movies, it should work.

01:10:13Right?

01:10:14You read the Bible, I'm gonna grab a pause.

01:10:17Okay.

01:10:18Are you ready?

01:10:19What do I read?

01:10:20Doesn't matter.

01:10:21Pick a page, read anything.

01:10:22Okay.

01:10:25Table of Contents.

01:10:26Don't read the Table of Contents!

01:10:27You said pick anything!

01:10:28Well read anything but the Table of Contents!

01:10:31Alright.

01:10:32Duet 23-1.

01:10:34No man whose testicles have been crushed, or whose organs have been cut off, may become a member of the Assembly of God.

01:10:44What the hell are you reading?

01:10:45You told me to read anything, I read something.

01:10:47That was weird man, read something else.

01:10:49Uh, Ezekiel 23.

01:10:51She lusted after their genitals, as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emissions.

01:11:00Dude you really suck at this.

01:11:01More!

01:11:02More!

01:11:03Ha ha ha ha!

01:11:04Just grab some holy water, just spray it all over.

01:11:06Ow!

01:11:07What the hell's in there man?

01:11:09Acid?

01:11:10It says holy water.

01:11:11Look I'm just gonna hold the cross, we're gonna say some stuff to him, okay?

01:11:14Okay, what do we say?

01:11:15Um, by the power of grace to call.

01:11:17By the power of grace to call.

01:11:18I think, oh no, uh, the power of Christ!

01:11:20Right!

01:11:21The power of Christ!

01:11:22Power of Christ!

01:11:23We can do this!

01:11:24By the power of Christ!

01:11:25By the power of Christ!

01:11:26By the power of Christ!

01:11:27By the power of Christ!

01:11:28Oh my god, he ate the cross!

01:11:29What the hell are we gonna do?

01:11:31I don't know.

01:11:32Maybe he's hungry, give him another one.

01:11:34Wait a minute.

01:11:36He's not possessed.

01:11:37He's drunk!

01:11:38So you're telling me that I did that to him?

01:11:39This isn't your usual alcohol.

01:11:40I don't want to certainly explain the harmony.

01:11:41Sober him up.

01:11:42Bring him in for questioning.

01:11:43I'm telling you, he didn't do this.

01:11:44If he didn't do it, who did?

01:11:45Otto, come dance with me.

01:11:46It's my woman!

01:11:47What did I tell you about it?

01:11:48He needs to turn down the lights!

01:11:49Buddy, hold on, I'm gonna find a circle.

01:11:50I'm gonna find a circle.

01:11:51Wait a minute.

01:11:52Wait a minute.

01:11:53He's not possessed.

01:11:54He's drunk!

01:11:55So you're telling me that I did that to him?

01:11:56This isn't your usual alcohol.

01:11:57I don't want to certainly explain the harmony.

01:11:58Sober him up.

01:11:59Bring him in for questioning.

01:12:06Take a record.

01:12:07Take care.

01:12:08Sorry.

01:12:09Oh my god.

01:12:10Gilda.

01:12:11Why is that surprising?

01:12:12You should have seen that coming a mile away.

01:12:14Shut up.

01:12:15I was blinded by love.

01:12:16Now go away.

01:12:17It's Gilda, the Gardener.

01:12:20Find that woman.

01:12:21Wherever she may be.

01:12:26We found her, Chief.

01:12:27She was in the garden.

01:12:28Gilda the Gardener, indeed.

01:12:30It wasn't me!

01:12:31It wasn't I.

01:12:33It's the proper English.

01:12:34But she was possessed.

01:12:35It was this house.

01:12:36It's not this house!

01:12:37What?!

01:12:38You don't understand.

01:12:40A few years ago, I was at a club with my hands in the air like I just didn't care.

01:12:45But CJ had a mishap with his turntable.

01:12:48One of the records sliced my hands right off.

01:12:51I was rushed to the hospital at the same time the future governor arrived.

01:12:54But Jerry's hands were accidentally grafted onto mine.

01:12:57And at one point they took on a life of their own.

01:12:59They made me do his bidding.

01:13:01No!

01:13:02I refuse to.

01:13:06Okay.

01:13:07Okay.

01:13:08But first I had to pit you guys against each other.

01:13:10By making you fight over me.

01:13:12And then finally...

01:13:14Killing you.

01:13:15Oh, marvelous work of fiction, Gilda.

01:13:18But I'm afraid it won't hold up in court.

01:13:21Deputy, take her in.

01:13:25What are you doing, Deputy?

01:13:27Take her in.

01:13:29Maybe I should take you in.

01:13:31Do my ears deceive me?

01:13:35No, it all makes sense now.

01:13:37Why would you have us watch your house?

01:13:39Me and the world's oldest living rookie cop.

01:13:42You say what now?

01:13:44Yeah, you must think I'm some local yogle.

01:13:46Some hazard county living moonshine drinking simpleton with a single digit IQ and a swap meet wardrobe.

01:13:52Well I'm not.

01:13:53I'm not naive, Governor.

01:13:55And I'm taking you in.

01:13:57And I'm taking you in.

01:13:59Really?

01:14:07Thank you, future head of the secret police.

01:14:09No.

01:14:14Fake mustache?

01:14:15No.

01:14:16Is this place haunted?

01:14:21Oh, my, my, my, my, my.

01:14:23No, no, no.

01:14:24This house isn't haunted.

01:14:26The only spirits here are the ones kept inside those bottles.

01:14:29You see, during Prohibition, my grandmother concocted a liquor so powerful that everyone that drank it had visions.

01:14:37Oh, the secret ingredient was love.

01:14:40Along with paillotine psilocybin.

01:14:42Seems like everyone finds the stash one way or the other, and then it's just murder, pillage, and chaos.

01:14:50You know all about murder, don't you, Governor?

01:14:52Well, simply a means to an end, Father.

01:14:55You see, once all the state institutions are closed, the subsequent escalation in crime will ultimately force a police state which will then allow me complete power under martial law.

01:15:08We've already begun construction of a great wall to surround this once great state.

01:15:14Why?

01:15:15To separate from the Union and create our own perfect society, of course.

01:15:20Gerifornia.

01:15:21A country free of the oppression of the holy rollers and the oversized nanny state and, hmm, Canadians.

01:15:27A country where people can do as they truly like.

01:15:30Like, kill one another freely.

01:15:33Simply, survival of the fittest.

01:15:35Oh, there it went in.

01:15:37And if we can't buy the presidency, we might as well start our own country.

01:15:42I know I've probably said something like this before, but you won't get away with this.

01:15:45Warren.

01:15:46Uncomfort.

01:15:47Do not underestimate the power of public outrage, my dear Caesar.

01:15:52When people witness mass atrocities, they look to a man like me to establish order.

01:15:59The governor's home, overrun by slayings, all cumulating in the murder of the heroes of Haydensboro.

01:16:06Why, the public outrage will reach its zenith.

01:16:10No.

01:16:11No.

01:16:12Please don't make me do this.

01:16:13No.

01:16:14Please don't make me do this.

01:16:15Oh.

01:16:16Hey, I'm alright!

01:16:17Oh, come on!

01:16:18Sorry.

01:16:19Hey, I'm alright!

01:16:20Oh, come on!

01:16:21Sorry.

01:16:22Oh, ho, ho, ho!

01:16:23Welcome home, boys!

01:16:24Do you believe in hell, governor?

01:16:25Cause that's where you're going.

01:16:26Not before you, father.

01:16:27No!

01:16:28What just happened?

01:16:29Telekinesis.

01:16:30It's the end.

01:16:31I'm sorry.

01:16:32Sorry.

01:16:33Oh, ho, ho, ho!

01:16:34Welcome home, boys!

01:16:35Do you believe in hell, governor?

01:16:36Cause that's where you're going.

01:16:37Not before you, father.

01:16:38No!

01:16:39What just happened?

01:16:40Telekinesis.

01:16:41It's the ability to move things with your mind.

01:16:42I have it.

01:16:43My son has it.

01:16:44Otto.

01:16:45I think you've always had it.

01:16:46You just need to learn to control it.

01:16:48This is just way too convenient.

01:16:49Um, Warren, kill.

01:16:50No.

01:16:51No.

01:16:52No.

01:16:53No.

01:16:54No.

01:16:55No.

01:16:56No.

01:16:57No.

01:16:58No.

01:16:59No.

01:17:00No.

01:17:01No.

01:17:02No.

01:17:03No.

01:17:04No.

01:17:05No.

01:17:06No.

01:17:07No.

01:17:08No.

01:17:09No.

01:17:10No.

01:17:11No.

01:17:12No.

01:17:13No.

01:17:14No.

01:17:15No.

01:17:16No.

01:17:17No.

01:17:18No.

01:17:19No.

01:17:20No.

01:17:21No.

01:17:22No.

01:17:23No.

01:17:24No.

01:17:25No.

01:17:26No.

01:17:27No.

01:17:28No.

01:17:29No.

01:17:30No.

01:17:31No.

01:17:32No.

01:17:33No.

01:17:34No.

01:17:35No.

01:17:36No.

01:17:37No.

01:17:38No.

01:17:39No.

01:17:40Always my favorite.

01:17:42What about me, Papa?

01:17:44You better.

01:17:53Oh, I may not be able to defeat you,

01:17:57but when those police get here, they will be on my side.

01:18:02Oh, I will enact new forms of punishment just for you.

01:18:09Waterboarding while kneecapping.

01:18:11Kneecapping while pitchcapping.

01:18:14Oh, castration while abacination.

01:18:18Oh, I am the governor, the ruler,

01:18:22the all-supreme, all-powerful head of the...

01:18:31What? Everyone follow me!

01:18:34What did I miss?

01:18:39So, Mom, why did you hide from me all these years?

01:18:44Well, when people found out what I could do,

01:18:48they started looking for me.

01:18:50And that's no way to raise a child, Otto.

01:18:53Running from place to place.

01:18:55They would have taken me away.

01:18:57They would have taken you away.

01:19:00Did Dad know you had this, uh, power?

01:19:04Why do you think he left?

01:19:06I found out the hard way.

01:19:09But what I want you to remember is I never stopped thinking about you all these years

01:19:14and wondering what my little boys become.

01:19:17I always wondered, uh, why did you name me Otto?

01:19:21Oh!

01:19:22Well, it means wealth and fortune.

01:19:26Isn't that ironic?

01:19:29Ow!

01:19:30Ow!

01:19:31Stop making your brother hit himself!

01:19:33Oh!

01:19:34I'm sorry.

01:19:35Didn't hurt.

01:19:36Dick.

01:19:37Stop it!

01:19:38Stop making your brother hit himself!

01:19:40Sorry.

01:19:41It's alright.

01:19:43Otto, a fortune is what you're worth to me.

01:19:49Oh, baby.

01:19:51Thanks, Mom.

01:19:52I will seriously smack you for crying.

01:19:55Don't cry.

01:19:58So I guess you're gonna stay in my life now, right?

01:20:02Otto, you'll be a good boy.

01:20:08Mom?

01:20:10Mom?

01:20:14Mom?

01:20:21You're still alive?

01:20:23Of course I'm still alive.

01:20:25Plants don't eat people, you silly little monkey.

01:20:29Well, now, aren't we just one great big happy family in here?

01:20:34You know, family's a funny thing.

01:20:37One day you have a family.

01:20:39The next day you're forced to brutally murder them.

01:20:41You killed my family.

01:20:45Now I killed yours.

01:20:48What's the matter?

01:20:50Oh, that's right!

01:20:52A simple blow to the interior centaurial gyres

01:20:56just might have rendered her telekinesis null and void.

01:21:00But thank you for playing.

01:21:10Seriously?

01:21:12Seriously?

01:21:14I thought I was going to go out creating mass extinction with a martini in hand and a Broadway show tune on my lips.

01:21:23Oh, fuck me!

01:21:24Following the mysterious death of Governor Grayson and Lieutenant Governor Jennings,

01:21:38State Official Sam Wellner was sworn in earlier today at City Hall.

01:21:41And effective immediately, I am ending martial law in this state.

01:21:45I'm also proud to announce a well-deserved appointment of a new chief of police in Fairfield.

01:21:50No worries.

01:21:51My arm will be reattached soon.

01:21:53So you're gonna miss me?

01:21:59I don't even know who you are, Gilda.

01:22:01All this time you pretend you like me and it's only because your own hands are threatening you.

01:22:05Maybe I did really like you.

01:22:07Maybe that's why I didn't feel like I was really lying to you.

01:22:11Bullshit.

01:22:12That's my ride.

01:22:17I can stay.

01:22:20Or I can go.

01:22:22Please do not let me stop you.

01:22:24Okay.

01:22:25See ya later.

01:22:26See ya.

01:22:31See ya later, son.

01:22:32Dad!

01:22:36Son of a bitch, I think I did like her.

01:22:38Well, on behalf of the State of California, I'd like to sincerely apologize for what you two went through.

01:22:44Doesn't sound very sincere to me.

01:22:47Well, look, the question is, what can I do to make it up to you?

01:22:51Well, you know, I always did want a home on a beach.

01:22:54Well, I don't know if I can give you a beach house, but if you two don't mind sharing a property with a few other kids during spring break, there might be something I could do.

01:23:03Spring break, huh?

01:23:08Well, one last thing, gentlemen. There has been some reports of some unidentified flying objects in that area.

01:23:17Oh, nothing to worry about. I just thought I'd give you a heads up.

01:23:21You might want to watch your nards.

01:23:23I'm not watching this nards.

01:23:25By the way, a nice mustache.

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