- 6/25/2025
#ShowFilm98
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Tonight, on New Year's Eve, we honour a very special member of the Pellet's family.
00:21Although her physical body is gone forever, her spirit lives on.
00:33It brings me great sadness to say this, but due to complications following her surgery, our friend Olivia won't be joining us tonight.
00:45She is risen!
00:46Oh, thank God. When you said you were still recovering from the thing, I didn't think you were going to make it.
00:53Yeah, well, I wasn't going to miss my own special night, was I?
00:58Kind of a bit fine.
01:00Funny, that's exactly what I said to my surgeon.
01:02Boom.
01:03How's the new fanny, Liv?
01:05I can't imagine what it must suddenly be like to not have a penis.
01:08Never change, Millie.
01:10I thought this was a funeral.
01:11What do you think the champagne was for?
01:16Terrifying.
01:16In 15 minutes, after months of fundraising, the biggest donors towards Liv's gender reassignment surgery will come thundering through those doors for a black tie gala event that's going to blow their socks off.
01:31But wait, it's not all going to be stuffy formality.
01:35Oh, no.
01:38It wouldn't be a New Year's Eve without a few fireworks now, would it?
01:42Hmm?
01:43And you know what?
01:44I got us a few fireworks.
01:46Just as Olivia's surgeons corrected God's mistake, so too must we reverse our own mistakes of the last year.
01:57Well, not only is tonight a chance to celebrate our freshly hole-punched friend, pointer crux, er, friend, but also to win back the public's trust.
02:10This speech is stupid.
02:14It's our last chance to save the store.
02:21So, what the hay?
02:24Join me in a toast.
02:28We are pellets.
02:29We are pellets.
02:31We are pellets.
02:38Imagine if you'd know when you started working here that all these months later your shiny new vagina would swoop in and save the store.
02:44Yeah, I didn't get the surgery.
02:47What?
02:47Well, I had to tell somebody, didn't I?
02:49I'm carrying all this extra weight around.
02:51Well, clearly.
02:52Why didn't you tell me you didn't get the surgery?
02:54I thought the money could be put to better use on a holy pilgrimage to the land of my people.
02:58What does that even mean?
02:59I went to Thailand for a month.
03:00Liv, what you're describing is charity fraud.
03:02There's a room full of donors coming tonight that have paid for your surgery.
03:05Why did you have to do this tonight?
03:07It was all going so well.
03:08I was going to kiss Millie at midnight.
03:09Okay, Thomas, Thomas, Thomas, calm down.
03:11Okay, everything's going to be fine.
03:12You're going to get your kiss at midnight.
03:14I'm going to get celebrated by everybody.
03:15Nobody's going to find out about this.
03:17Just stay very still.
03:34Oh, no.
03:36Surely you can't be serious?
03:37I am serious.
03:39But thanks for calling me Shirley.
03:40It's not my name, but still very progressive of you.
03:42Why?
03:42In the name of Moses and his bougie little wicker basket.
03:46Did you have to tell him?
03:47All of this could have neatly disappeared.
03:49Yeah, well, so could a lot of things.
03:50Oh, I'm sorry, Thomas.
03:52If I didn't let some quack prune me like a bonsai tree.
03:55I had to cover your medical leave.
03:57I missed the birth of my own son.
04:01Look, in fairness, admittedly, not my finest hour,
04:04but can we please remember that tonight is all about me?
04:06No!
04:07Tonight is about me!
04:09You Tim Burton toilet brush.
04:11This was my last chance to turn everything round.
04:15Your new vag was meant to lift the curse of the ladyboy billboard.
04:19None of this was my idea.
04:21I didn't ask for a fundraiser.
04:23What do you even mean?
04:24The only reason you work here is you told me you couldn't afford rent
04:26because you were saving up for your surgery.
04:27Newsflash, Thomas.
04:29I lied.
04:30I lie about things.
04:32It is a core part of my character.
04:34But I get away with it because I've got a charming accent
04:36and a silly little haircut.
04:38Oh, great.
04:39I mean, I thought I was your best friend,
04:40but it turns out I'm just one of your little sims
04:42to stick in a swimming pool and delete the ladder.
04:44It's good to know.
04:45Thanks.
04:45Shush, everyone.
04:46It's just a tiny tiny thing.
04:49OK, look, we are the only ones who know, which is good.
04:53We just have to keep it a secret from the other guests.
04:55Now, normally I'd say that wouldn't be too hard,
04:57but you'd probably make some joke about a lousal, wouldn't you?
05:01I would 100% do that.
05:02He's not wrong.
05:03You're a ticking time bomb.
05:06OK, all right.
05:09We just have to come together tonight, all right?
05:12Keep the other guests distracted
05:14and stop Olivia's foul secret from getting out.
05:21Yeah, whatever.
05:27Welcome.
05:28Welcome.
05:29The roads are so icy out there.
05:31It's a wonder anyone made it here at all.
05:34Nice coat.
05:36Hey, this is all right, isn't it?
05:38We're not deceiving anyone, are we?
05:39We're just selling them a comforting fiction like Father Christmas.
05:42Oh, I'm just going to push that one down and deal with it later.
05:45Are we looking on the seven-layer dip?
05:47Technically, it is just mayonnaise,
05:48but the ingredients separate if you leave it out overnight under a lamp.
05:51Lies upon lies.
05:53Are we expecting your ex-wife tonight?
05:55I doubt it.
05:55I'm not sure why she'd drag her cold reptilian carcass
05:58out of the warmth of our former marital home.
06:00Hello, Simon.
06:00Hello there, Doug.
06:01Ah, good of you to come.
06:03But, of course, with you here,
06:05what's Batman going to use to purge atop the Gotham City skyline?
06:09Ouch.
06:10Come on, darling, we both work for the company.
06:12Let's keep things civil.
06:15Don't you fucking dare.
06:17Sorry.
06:21Well, well, well.
06:23This is what it's come to, has it?
06:25We're throwing gender reveal parties for 30-year-olds.
06:28Oh, I've been to one of those.
06:30So much fun, with the exploding paint and the music
06:33and the three bald men.
06:36No, no, no, I'm thinking of a blue mangrove.
06:38Blue mangrove?
06:39You all right, Simon?
06:40You seem a little nervous.
06:41Fine, I'm all right.
06:42You all right?
06:43Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
06:58Wow.
07:11What a successful and impressive gala.
07:14So sorry I'm late.
07:16I've just been admiring Olivia's new vagina,
07:18which definitely exists.
07:21What's he doing?
07:22Distracting the guests.
07:23Jesus Christ.
07:25Have we met before?
07:26No, no, but I get that a lot from racists.
07:30I am Madame Zsa Zsa, sweet chilly Montague,
07:34and I am a wealthy widow and philanthropist.
07:39Well, thank you for coming all the way from Monaco, Zsa Zsa.
07:42Simon and I love us.
07:45Excuse me?
07:46And he is just as impressive in the boardroom
07:49as he is in the bedroom.
07:53Mmm, champagne.
07:56Mm-hmm.
08:04Hey, Millie.
08:05Thomas.
08:06Hey.
08:06Hi.
08:08Listen, I just wanted to say that I'm a huge fan of you.
08:12As a colleague.
08:15But also as a woman.
08:16Um, so, well, I'd consider it a huge professional courtesy
08:20if you could, er, maybe find a window in your itinerary this evening
08:23for, for a kiss.
08:25Oh.
08:26Um, specifically at midnight.
08:28Yeah, specifically with me.
08:30Um, 15-second tops and I'll, I'll be out your hair.
08:34What's up?
08:35Cathy!
08:36Bless you.
08:39Better make it 45 seconds to leave her in for spillage.
08:41Yeah.
08:42Talk to me about breath freshener.
08:44Breath freshener?
08:44Mm-hmm.
08:45Well, I mean, I could offer you spearmint, peppermint
08:47or a house blend of the two.
08:48Ooh, a house blend.
08:49I will see you at midnight.
08:51Great.
08:51Thomas.
08:52Yeah.
08:52Don't be late.
08:53No.
08:53I like my men like I like my coffee.
08:56I'm not waiting more than a minute for it to show up.
08:59Yeah.
09:00I won't be because, um, well, I like my women like I like my lattes.
09:03Uh-huh.
09:04As evidenced by the residual froth on my upper lip.
09:08I'll take that back.
09:10Don't be late.
09:11Don't be late.
09:12Oh, yeah.
09:12Okay.
09:13See ya.
09:15Goodbye, Thomas.
09:17Goodbye.
09:19Ooh, mummy.
09:23Oh, redden of fucking love.
09:35Oh, my God.
09:41Well done, old friend.
09:43Well done.
09:50What are you doing?
09:52Oh, just taking the new vag for a spin.
09:56Just having a classic female wee down here.
09:59You crack on, chica.
10:01Don't mind me.
10:04Peace.
10:05Oh, shit!
10:07Fucking freezing out here.
10:10I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why anyone would choose to be a woman.
10:15Well, you know how it is.
10:18One day you're watching Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, naked, and you think, this thing in
10:23my hand just doesn't spark joy anymore.
10:25A woman gets divorced, she's a money-grabbing harpy.
10:30A man gets divorced, it's like, on to the next trophy wife.
10:33I did not expect him to move on so quickly.
10:39I've got to say, if I was born with a dick, I would be getting it insured.
10:45Are you all right?
10:46Yep.
10:47Yep, just, do you know what it is?
10:48I think I'm just getting used to my new urethra, which, as we both know, is located between
10:53the clitoris and the vaginal opening, both of which I definitely possess.
10:58Yeah, good talk.
10:59Oh, my God.
11:13Oh, okay.
11:19Ten minutes to midnight.
11:21Are you nervous?
11:23Nah.
11:24It's just a kiss, isn't it?
11:25Yeah.
11:25It's not like I'm proposing.
11:27Although I am going to need you to get down on one knee.
11:30Sorry.
11:31Liv.
11:33Whoa, whoa, whoa.
11:33Slow down.
11:35What's stuck to the ice?
11:37It's nonsense.
11:41I'm just saying, if you had a hole down there, the ice wouldn't be such a problem.
11:45Tell that to the passengers of the Titanic.
11:47Tom, Tom, look at me.
11:48This is not my fault.
11:50Have you never got your tongue sucked to a frosty lamppost before?
11:52If you're asking me if I had a childhood full of whimsical curiosity, then yes, I did have.
11:56Now picture my testes in place of your tongue.
11:58No, thank you.
12:00You're going to have to pull me up.
12:01Do you know what, Liv?
12:01No.
12:03It's nearly midnight.
12:03I'm about to kiss the girl of my dreams.
12:06You lied about saving for your surgery.
12:08Consider this all your chickens coming home to roost.
12:13How is that a bad thing?
12:15Tell that to a chicken farmer.
12:17Tom!
12:19Please.
12:20You are the only person in the world that would ever give me the benefit of the doubt after this many fuck-ups.
12:27Maybe I don't deserve another chance.
12:31But if anyone was ever going to give me one...
12:33You are the only person in the world that would ever give me one.
13:03Wait.
13:06Okay, go.
13:08Eight.
13:09Seven.
13:10Whoa, this is exactly the same as having a baby!
13:13Six.
13:14Five.
13:15Four.
13:16Three.
13:17Two.
13:17One.
13:18One.
13:18One.
13:19One.
13:19One.
13:20One.
13:21One.
13:22One.
13:23One.
13:24One.
13:25One.
13:26One.
13:27One.
13:28One.
13:29One.
13:30One.
13:31One.
13:32One.
13:33One.
13:34One.
13:35One.
13:36One.
13:37One.
13:38One.
13:39One.
13:40One.
13:41One.
13:42One.
13:43One.
13:44One.
13:45One.
13:46One.
13:47One.
13:48One.
13:49One.
13:50One.
13:51One.
13:52One.
13:53One.
13:54One.
13:55One.
13:56One.
13:57One.
13:58Oh, good. She's alive.
14:21I bought you some ice.
14:23Good one. How long was I out?
14:2520 minutes. Everyone's out on the shop floor. The donors are going mad.
14:29Sounds like we're going to lose the store.
14:32Oh, fuck.
14:39How are you?
14:41Why did you have to lie about wanting to get the surgery?
14:44None of this would have happened if you hadn't lied about the bloody surgery lived.
14:48It wasn't a lie, Thomas. I just hadn't fully decided yet.
14:52Every transgender woman imagines life with a minge.
14:54I don't know if there's a pair of butcher's flaps in my future, but that is my decision, not yours.
14:59I understand you now.
15:01It's exhausting pretending to be something that you're not.
15:05Biffy, we've been over this. Liv isn't pretending to be a woman.
15:09I'm talking about all the years that she spent pretending to be a man.
15:14Nobody should have to change who they are just to make other people happy.
15:20I'm going out there.
15:21You can't.
15:22They'll eat you alive.
15:23Plus a billion painkillers are about to kick in.
15:26I feel fine.
15:27This is our last chance to make everything right.
15:30Somebody get me a microphone.
15:33And a Pellock's uniform.
15:39Simon!
15:42Show yourself, Simon!
15:47Have you thought about installing a bidet in your front porch?
15:51Because the amount of shit you take on your own doorstep is staggering.
15:55You can have the car in the divorce.
15:57Take the Chesterfield.
15:59You can even have Arthur Cap.
16:01Please don't take Pellocks away from me.
16:03Oh, this is about much more than the high quarters of a British shorthair, Simon.
16:06This is about erasing you from my existence.
16:19Liv, you've taken too many painkillers.
16:21What are you going to say for yourself?
16:24What is a woman?
16:38Somebody with a vagina!
16:40One guy's opinion.
16:41I'm not here to define a woman or a man.
16:46But I will define a manager.
16:48Simon Hyman may run this place like a game of Kaplunk.
16:53And if you look closely enough tonight,
16:55his pocket square may turn out to be a slice of wafer-thin ham.
17:03But he's a good man.
17:07I'm the reason this place is filled with chaos.
17:09Even if I do do it with the debonair lovability of a cartoon cat.
17:13I take advantage of my friendships.
17:20I cause hard-working people to get overlooked.
17:24I monopolise my best friend's time so nobody else can get a look in.
17:28I have taken many lovers.
17:35If you must punish somebody, don't punish these people.
17:39Punish me.
17:41But before you do, there's something I need to say.
17:44There's nothing I need to say.
17:54Gather round and let me sing you the transgender blues.
18:01The world's on fucking fire.
18:06And yet we're still front page news.
18:11When this one girl sausage festival came rolling in to town.
18:20You put me on this pedestal.
18:23Now I'm never coming down.
18:40Don't let my penis come between us.
18:44Born on Mars, now I live on Venus.
18:47Dick for brains, then I'm a genius.
18:49There's a chance I might be Jesus.
18:53And when the day is done, my tips will outlive everyone.
18:58I said, I'm taking over the world and I will represent.
19:02Both the boys and the girls in equal measurement.
19:05Kamala's grace, Gaddafi's binash.
19:08What better leader than a woman who could grow a moustache?
19:10If you don't like me, say it to my face.
19:13I've got an extra leg, I'm gonna win this race.
19:16It's not a lot to ask for you to call me Mrs.
19:19We wouldn't be here if my momma'd let me run with scissors.
19:22And I'm sorry that the queue outside the ladies' loo keeps getting longer.
19:29But we are stronger together like birds of a feather.
19:38And if it's time for me to fly, then please before I go.
19:47Give me one last chance to drop my pants so I can piss my name into the snow.
19:53You've got to pick my pants so I can pick my pants.
19:59Ahhhh.
20:01Ahhhhhhh.
20:03Well that went well.
20:08I can't believe you!
20:10I can't believe you!
20:12I just lost it!
20:14Not even doing anything.
20:16We just want our money back!
20:20Enough
20:21Enough
20:22Hey, hello. Hello, yeah, yes, yeah, I hear you. Just, just, just hear me out, okay?
20:34You will, you will get your money back. You, you will get your money back, I promise, because
20:42if you allow the store to remain open in order to repay her debt, um, Olivia will be locked
20:50into a 50-hour-per-week minimum wage contract until the day she dies.
20:57Thank you, thank you. And in one final validation of her womanhood, her wages will be docked
21:17an additional 9% in accordance with a gender pay gap.
21:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:27Hashtag competent management.
21:29Hashtag happy new year!
21:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:36Woo!
21:39Jesus Christ.
21:49Miss Fast, we have you scheduled in for an emergency genital reconstruction.
21:54Oh, the irony.
22:00Ooh! Are you sure you should be drinking in your condition?
22:02Tell you what, why don't you start a charity fundraiser to have this bottle removed from
22:07my hand?
22:08Fair point.
22:09I'm sorry I let things go too far.
22:13That's okay.
22:15I'm sorry you didn't get your kiss at midnight.
22:19That's okay.
22:21Plenty of other socially mandatory kisses on the calendar.
22:25Mistletoe at Christmas.
22:28Rehearsing a play, I...
22:32Happy New Year, Thomas.
22:40Thanks.
22:41But you're really, really not my type.
22:44Oh, really?
22:45Yeah.
22:46Because between my top half and my bottom half, I like to think I've got a little something
22:49for everyone.
22:50Oh!
22:51Oh, for...
22:52I told you.
22:53Playful poachers are for girls with smaller hands.
22:56Ha, ha, ha, ha.
22:57Of kindness yet for the sake of Auld Lang Syne.
23:05Likevid Ho!
23:34Ba-da-da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da.
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