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Short Tales
  • 2 days ago
#ShowFilm98
Transcript
00:00Oh
00:09Simon come as soon as you can
00:11It's bad
00:14Man in the toilet
00:18Oh god, no
00:24Is that Olivia?
00:26Yeah, I mean still trying to figure that one out
00:30Evening she goes
00:32What are you both doing in the ladies? It's not it's
00:38Millie
00:42Look no no you shouldn't be in here, so let's be transphobic
00:49It's she's got a right to see it
01:00Liv, are you sure we're not going to get caught? It's my first week, I don't want to lose my position
01:07Speaking of positions
01:09Oh my god, oh god
01:13Sorry, me and the new boy, Mike, were making babies in the warehouse. What have I missed?
01:20Sex education apparently
01:22Liv, I'm gonna need that condom back, it's the only one I've got
01:25Keep walking Mike
01:26Okay, sorry
01:28You don't seem too concerned about the whole hate crime in the bathroom thing
01:31Oh you call that a hate crime?
01:32Sorry, sorry she would talk about these fugly arse posters of me all over the store
01:35Look if Pellix wants to fundraise for your new vagina, I don't see why you're complaining
01:39Plus I'm sure Mike could do with a little bit more variety down there
01:42It ain't about the fundraiser Thomas
01:44It's about the fact that you and Simon decided to put these posters up without consulting me
01:47To be honest, I'm getting a little bit sick of being ignored
01:49So before you spin off into your own little private episode of CSI Pellix to catch the graffiti bandit this evening
01:54It might behoove you to ask my opinion for a change
01:57Hello, hello
01:59At 2200 hours tonight, transphobic graffiti was found in the women's toilets
02:07Now I can only assume that this vile display was aimed at our new employee, Olivia
02:14We're sorry, Pellix is sorry
02:16From the tippity-top, big Jim Pellix himself
02:19All the way to the lowliest shit shoveler, Millie
02:22Not saying definitely check beefy Linda's handbag
02:25But I'm pretty sure the lipstick on the mirror matches her shade
02:27Touch my shit, that'll be the shade of your arse
02:29Is that an offer?
02:30Is that a wig?
02:31Hey, hey, enough of this
02:33You know, I like a lolz like all of us, but this isn't the time
02:38Now I've put Thomas, system manager, in charge of catching this son of a bitch
02:44Or...
02:45Can I say daughter of a bastard?
02:47That covers all bases, doesn't it?
02:49Daughter of a bastard responsible
02:52Make no mistake
02:53We shall apprehend this gender-neutral boogie person before the end of the night shift
02:58Sorry, can I see in the office, darling?
03:08Oh no, don't jump
03:10It's not a suicide bitch, trying to shut the window
03:17What is it?
03:18Simon, if this is about me and Mike, I don't know what you think you saw
03:21In your sordid little CCTV cameras
03:23But what me and another employee do
03:24In the privacy of a cold storage unit
03:26With our combined genitals
03:27I think...
03:28Shh, shh, shh, shh
03:29Please
03:33I...
03:34I need your help
03:37I said I... I said I need your help
03:39What?
03:40My wife and I are going through a bit of a bad patch
03:48She says I spend too much time here
03:50I've lost my sense of adventure
03:54She calls me fatty boom boom
03:56Yeah
03:58She has suggested we have dinner
04:00And I suggested we have it here
04:02Just so I can keep an eye on the place
04:04You're going to have dinner in the office?
04:05With a wife that says you spend too much time in the office?
04:08As a valued...
04:12Transgender employee
04:14Who better qualify to make this dinner a success
04:16Than someone who knows exactly what me and my wife are going through
04:21Someone who can do javelin and shot put
04:25Weird sporting analogies aside
04:26I'm getting a little bit sick of you thinking
04:28That you can use me being transgender to your advantage
04:32Let me just have a look at my piece of paper
04:34Because it says here last week you accidentally booked a mammogram and a prostate exam on the same day
04:40Which, as I explained, was definitely not an excuse to go and see a magic mic matinee
04:46Oh me, you owe me
04:48Now as the lead investigator and sole member of the hate crime task force
04:55I've asked you here to recreate the offensive image found in the women's bathroom
05:00We match the pitch to the person
05:03We find our transphobe
05:06Why have you drawn Olivia upside down?
05:07No, no, those are pubes
05:12Wow
05:14Beefy, that's, er...
05:15Beefy
05:16It's actually really good
05:18When are you going to reopen the women's toilet?
05:20I had a petrol station pasty for dinner
05:22And it's like the third act of Shawshank Redemption back there
05:25Oh, great film
05:26No one in, no one out
05:28It remains a crime scene
05:30And I'll remind you I am your assistant manager
05:32So why does your badge say Ass Man?
05:35Ass Man?
05:37Does it?
05:38Olivia
05:39Maybe don't give out marker pens when there's a vandal on the loose
05:42Yeah, okay, thank you
05:44Michael, you've...
05:45You've written your own name, mate
05:46And you've spelt it wrong
05:47Is that spelt...
05:48Sorry, is that not what we were supposed to do?
05:50No, it was not what we were supposed to do
05:51That's what we were supposed to do
05:52Wow
05:53Yeah, that's really, really good
05:54Isn't it?
05:55That does look exactly like Earl Willie as well
05:57Just draw the picture, man
06:00I might just copy yours
06:02I've taken the liberty of drawing up a list of everybody that might have a problem with you
06:08This is everyone that works here
06:10Well, I was extrapolating from your personality
06:13The vandal is someone who is most likely jealous of your fundraiser
06:23I'd say nice try, but even for you this is really, really lazy
06:27Please tell me I haven't done it to all of them
06:29Well, don't look at me, Thomas
06:30I don't know if you've heard, but there is a vandal on the loose
06:33I guess you're going to want to take all these ugly posters down now, huh?
06:38Millie?
06:39Yes?
06:40I'd like you to take a pen and cover up all the rude words on those posters
06:44They're staying up
06:46You heard the man, Millie
06:48I'm on it
06:49That'll pay off in a few hours
06:52Liv
06:53Hi
06:56I've been thinking, um, well, you know, just about how much I like you and how I think you're great, you know, really
07:05It's just, well, what I wanted to say was with the graffiti and everything
07:12I just didn't plan for this much attention
07:15And so, well, well, I think we should stop seeing each other
07:20Yeah
07:21Oh, okay
07:22I didn't realise we were seeing each other
07:25Just, I guess I've always thought of you more like a dildo with kind eyes
07:29Does that mean no more, um, casual sex in the warehouse?
07:33Um
07:35Ah
07:36Okay
07:37It's fine
07:39It's a shame though
07:41Because
07:42Of the baby
07:44The, uh, sorry, um, what baby?
07:48Yeah, congratulations
07:50We are having a baby, it's a bum baby
07:53One in 44 million chance, apparently
07:55Oh, but it is up there
07:57Shame it's going to grow up without a dad
07:59But I hear they are resilient little things
08:04Okay, um, Olivia
08:08I'm going to be there
08:09Yeah?
08:10Yes
08:11Okay
08:12For, for, for you
08:13And, and, and for the baby
08:14Less important, but, yeah
08:16Oh my god
08:19Can I?
08:20Oh
08:21Okay
08:26Hello
08:28My name's Michael
08:29I'm going to be your dad
08:31Oh, okay
08:32Me and your mum are going to name you Spider-Man
08:34Are we?
08:35It's after my uncle
08:37Hmm
08:42I know the answer's right in front of me
09:00Oh
09:01Oh, it's dead!
09:02Dead!
09:04Ahhhh
09:05Ahhhh
09:07Olivia, you don't need a load of fancy ingredients to make a romantic meal
09:11I'd be amazed what I can do with a courgette
09:13No, Simon, trust me, you'd be amazed what I can do with a courgette
09:16Now look, your wife says you've lost all sense of adventure
09:19What better way to prove her wrong than with an adventurous meal?
09:22I'm thinking marzipan
09:23I'm thinking pick-a-lily
09:24No, no, she's allergic to pick-a-lily
09:26What better way to make a woman tingle?
09:28Call me a prude, but I'm not going to poison my wife just to spice up our marriage
09:33It feels like one step forward and two steps back
09:36Well
09:37You know, on our first date, the restaurant we were going to misplaced our booking
09:41So I ended up cooking her a three-course meal using a premiere in Trails of Press
09:46Right
09:47What I'm saying is the way to a woman's heart
09:49Don't touch those
09:50Sorry
09:51It's through her stomach
09:52Spoken like the world's worst surgeon
09:54Now go get us some licorice and parmesan
09:56Yes, sir
09:57I mean, woman
10:03Heard about the bum baby, by the way, muzzle tov
10:05Question, when are you going to let us start using the toilets?
10:08The female staff are starting to call you no shit Sherlock
10:11Found a clue
10:12Phone at the scene of the crime
10:15Screen was compromised, but, er, managed to get these off the mainframe
10:19Oh, but when I need help scrubbing my browser history, suddenly you're Forrest Gump
10:23Porn, porn, porn, porn
10:27Someone's dinner
10:28No, it's...
10:29You're right, that's porn
10:30Well done, Thomas
10:31If we were twelve, this would be the find of the century
10:33You're imagining things
10:35Sushi is fancy, but raw fish has been done to death
10:51I'll give you raw chicken
10:53Japanese call it tori sashi
10:55Okay, I mean, if you think this will help, I will try anything
11:00Oh, Christ, that's my wife! She's here early! Just hide! Pretend to be a lamp or something
11:06What?
11:07Get in with the coats!
11:09Oh, hey
11:10Hi
11:11Um
11:12Simon is a little bit busy right now, but if you give it two minutes, then you and I can, you know
11:20Have sex in the warehouse again
11:22Yeah, um, actually Liv, I just, I didn't come to, I came to talk to you
11:26Um, I've thought about this a lot
11:28Doubt that
11:29I'm just not ready to be a dad, okay? I can't do it
11:31It's the, the crying, the nappies, and, oh my god, the birth
11:36What if I cut the umbilical cord and I cut the wrong thing?
11:39Hey, hey, hey, hey, then he'll be just like his mum, okay?
11:42Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm gonna get you through this
11:45It's just really important that we stay together, okay?
11:48Ideally sexually
11:49I'm sorry, Liv, I mean it this time, okay? I'm done
12:03Pull it, Mike!
12:06Okay
12:10It's the wrong room
12:22What are you doing?
12:25No employee of mine is gonna be raising a baby on their own
12:28I'm sorry I have to ask this
12:31Um, the transgender thing is completely new to me
12:34Is it maternity or paternity?
12:38Simon
12:40It's both, I'm entitled to both
12:42Here we go
12:43Here at Pellocks, we take care of each other
12:46I...
12:48We...
12:49Will always be here for you
12:50Hold that thought
12:56Hmm...
12:57Hmm...
13:00Hmm...
14:07What?
14:11What's in it?
14:12You tell me.
14:14Somebody left it outside the store and I can only assume it was left for you by the hate crime bandit.
14:18Hmm.
14:24So we know the criminal is a formal person with teeth.
14:28Simon.
14:36It's clear the shop means more to you than I do.
14:38I'm sick of giving you chances.
14:40Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
14:42Lots of stuff about sexual inadequacy, personal hygiene.
14:45Yep, there it is.
14:47She's asking for a divorce.
14:48Now I feel like a prick.
14:51Maybe the wife did the benefit.
14:53Millie!
14:54Blue.
14:55Sorry.
15:02Hello.
15:02She's not coming, is she?
15:14Well, it's not like we went to a lot of trouble, is it?
15:18I know you said I should be adventurous, but I just felt like I needed to cook something from the heart.
15:31Simon.
15:32That's like the fourth best thing I've ever put in my mouth.
15:38Um, your wife left you a box of things at the front of the store.
15:42Did she leave a note?
15:43No, there wasn't a note.
15:44It was just a box of things.
15:45It's really strange, because, I mean, my wife would definitely have left a note.
15:51Really?
15:53Um, what's that at the window?
15:56Oh, here it is.
15:57Yep, it's, um, the note from your wife that I will now read to you, instead of giving to you, for reasons that are not very important.
16:04So, let's do this.
16:05Dear Simon.
16:06She only calls me Simon when she's angry.
16:09Or, or, when she's around.
16:11Dear Simon, you have probably figured out by now that I would like a divorce.
16:16Aww.
16:19But, I am too chicken shit to tell you that in person,
16:22because you are such a handsome, fancy boy.
16:28I know you to be a deeply caring man.
16:30The love you have for your staff is very clear.
16:33Especially Olivia, who I know respects you deeply,
16:37despite the fact that she never really shows it.
16:39It's really weird, because I've never mentioned you at home.
16:43Rude.
16:43I have left you this box of mementos, as a reminder of our love, signed, your wife's name.
16:52Which you already know, and that's the end of the letter.
16:55Yeah, well, I mean, knowing Frida, she would have left a detailed breakdown of each and every item inside that can't.
17:02Really?
17:03Yeah.
17:03OK, um, what's that at the window again?
17:06Oh, here it is on the other side.
17:08OK, here we go.
17:09So, this is your toothbrush, because your smile always made me smile.
17:18The same way when you see somebody yawn or do some sick.
17:22Yeah.
17:23Then there's this tiny bag of, um, what I can only assume is our dog's still warm detritus.
17:33Because, while I can't bear to part with him at this difficult time, I want you to remember him as the dog he was.
17:44Incredibly well-fed, apparently.
17:46Stop.
17:48Stop.
17:49I think it's clear from my wife's note that she's trying to let me down gently.
17:54And if my wife were here, I would tell her that I really appreciate the gesture.
18:05Cheers.
18:13Thank you all for coming.
18:15I've gathered you here this evening because it's...
18:17We can't hear a word you're saying.
18:18Fine.
18:21This probably isn't the answer you're expecting, but...
18:24After considering all the evidence and investigating all of you,
18:28the hate crime bandit is...
18:34It could have been any one of you.
18:38Wait, is that it?
18:40I had to take a piddle in a hollowed-out pumpkin.
18:43Beefy Linda spent the night shaking mini-turds out of her jeggings
18:46like it was the prison yard scene in Shawshank Redemption.
18:48Great film.
18:49Great film.
18:50Andy DeFray.
18:52Look, you all clearly had a bone to pick with Liv.
18:55And if I'm honest, it took me longer than expected to go home and get the hat.
18:59So, I'd appreciate it if you...
19:01It was me.
19:04What?
19:06I drew the lady with the boobs in the mirror.
19:09Mike.
19:10I was horny, all right?
19:11I was really horny.
19:13Hornier than I've ever been, perhaps more than any man has ever been.
19:18And so, I decided to go to the gents, you know, to take care of things.
19:23But...
19:24Oh, God, it was disgusting in there.
19:29So, I crossed to the ladies, and...
19:32I was going to look at some porn on my phone.
19:37But I lost my phone.
19:39I was going to leave, but then...
19:43I saw the lipstick.
19:45By the sink, and...
19:48I just began to draw, you know, from memory.
19:55I'm sorry.
19:56But I didn't draw the penis.
19:58No.
19:59That wasn't me.
20:00As God is my witness, I did not draw that willy.
20:03I'm sorry.
20:07So, we're supposed to believe that you're stupid enough to lose your phone in a locked cubicle.
20:13Yeah, no, that tracks.
20:14No.
20:15No one half confesses to a crime.
20:18Why would Michael admit to drawing the cartoon, but not the penis?
20:23Maybe don't give out marker pens when there's a vandal on the list.
20:26I don't know if you've heard, but there's a vandal on the list.
20:28I feel like the answer's right in front of me.
20:30It was you.
20:37This whole time.
20:39What?
20:40Oh, yeah.
20:40It was me.
20:42Why would you fake a hate crime against yourself?
20:44Thomas.
20:45I tried telling you at the beginning of the evening that everything was fine, but you
20:50lot were so determined to get offended on my behalf that you turned a non-issue into
20:55fake panic.
20:56Why don't you explain to all these lovely people what is so inherently offensive about the image
21:01of a woman with a penis?
21:03Well, I went into that bathroom and I saw a picture of a lady and I added a chonky cock
21:07because it made me smile.
21:09But at the end of the day, the only real villain at the end of this fucked up fairy tale is
21:14just another straight white man wanking where he shouldn't be.
21:18At this point, I would drop a mic, but I haven't got a mic.
21:23Mike, lay on the ground.
21:24I've just got quite dodgy knees.
21:25Do what the lady says, Mike.
21:28God.
21:28Now, Simon, if you'll kindly fire wanksy down there, we can all get back to work.
21:33With pleasure.
21:34You're fired, Mike.
21:36I found a penny.
21:46You know, it's so ironic.
21:47What the fuck are you playing at, Thomas?
21:49You don't just walk up next to somebody and start talking.
21:51That is a mad way to start a conversation.
21:53Sorry.
21:54It's just I had a really cool line.
21:57It's all right if I use it.
21:58Yes, do the line.
22:01Thanks.
22:03You know, it's ironic.
22:04I spent all evening looking in that mirror, but the one person I didn't see was myself.
22:08Fuck, that's actually really good.
22:10Yeah, thanks.
22:13Listen, I'm sorry about blowing things out of proportion this evening.
22:16You're right.
22:17I should listen to you more.
22:19It's okay, Thomas.
22:20It's all about the long game.
22:22Oh.
22:24Last one.
22:25Hello.
22:32Hello.
22:33Touché.
22:34Let's see.
23:04Let's see.