- 6/22/2025
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00:00How can I choose a great fellow for myself if my self-concept is of pettiness?
00:07Nowadays, relationship seems, starts with love and end up turning toxic and similarly with friendship.
00:14My question is what is the secret of relationship based on true love and understanding?
00:19Let me have someone who gives me something that resonates with what I already think of.
00:25Give me someone who can be plugged into the plants.
00:28If you have someone who destroys your plants, would you like it?
00:32Somebody has to be found.
00:33I'm 25 or 28 or 30.
00:35I have to get married.
00:37When you keep in contact with that one, then you find that you are effortlessly, relatively at least, getting into the right relationships.
00:45And that you're not desperate.
00:46You don't have any goalposts.
00:48You don't have any deadlines.
00:49Resolution 2025.
00:51I have to get married.
00:55Namaste Acharya Ji.
00:56My question is based on relationships.
00:59I have observed nowadays, relationship seems, starts with love and end up turning toxic.
01:08And similarly with friendship, starts with normal talks and superficial interactions.
01:13So, my question is what is the secret of relationship based on true love and understanding?
01:24Sit, sit, please.
01:26See, we want to talk about the other, right?
01:31When you say relationship, it implies the other.
01:33The quality of your relationship is simply the quality of yourself.
01:42It's going to be the way you are.
01:46Your relationship cannot be a great thing if you insist on not being great.
01:52Because that fellow, I'm assuming you are talking about a person, person you relate with.
02:00Or relationship could involve a thing as well or an idea or something.
02:03But here probably, you're talking of a person.
02:05How can I choose a great fellow for myself, if my self-concept is of pettiness?
02:14What will greatness do to pettiness?
02:18Kill it.
02:19Who wants to relate to be killed?
02:25There is that around 8-9 years old poster in the foundation.
02:32When truth is the lover, to be kissed is to be killed.
02:36Who wants such a relationship?
02:41But that's the relationship we all need.
02:44That's the relationship we all need.
02:46We'll never want such a relationship.
02:50Name the relating agency within.
02:54Name the agency within that relates.
02:58I, the ego.
03:00What's the prakriti, the nature of the ego?
03:04Self-preservation.
03:07It does everything just to preserve itself and then further itself.
03:11Further itself, right?
03:13So, what purpose would it have even in the relationship?
03:17Self-preservation.
03:20Let me have someone who fulfills my desires.
03:24Let me have someone who gives me something that resonates with what I already think of.
03:31I have my plans.
03:35Give me someone who can be plugged into the plans.
03:40If you have someone who destroys your plans, would you like it?
03:45No.
03:46You want someone who can be very neatly, smoothly integrated into your plans.
03:50And that's what we call then as relationship.
03:57So, all relationship is a sham.
04:00Just the old foolish game of desire.
04:08It only perpetuates suffering.
04:09Do you see this?
04:13I want to relate.
04:14I want somebody for myself.
04:17It could be the opposite gender or it could be someone, my own gender, general friendship,
04:22something, classmate, something.
04:26Don't we see where the choice comes from?
04:29The choice comes from pre-established likes and dislikes.
04:32I have a groove, first of all.
04:41The groove has already been cut.
04:44Now, I want an object that fits the groove.
04:48Does it not happen that way?
04:52It's just like dialing Zometto or something.
04:54I am hungry and hence I dial a particular number.
04:57What comes first?
04:59It's a very primitive hunger.
05:01It's a very blind hunger.
05:05It's not a choice at all.
05:10In college we used to say,
05:13the fellow falls in love in the first semester itself.
05:17But takes three, four more semesters to get somebody to fall in love with.
05:21But he's already in love.
05:24Because he's supposed to be in love.
05:26That's the way the environment is.
05:28And that's the way the hormonal condition is in the first semester.
05:34The body is saying,
05:35Oh, you need someone to sleep with.
05:41And you look around and you find somebody with a girlfriend and you say,
05:43You know, that fellow too has one, this one, am I the only stupid one?
05:46But my J-Rang was better than his.
05:48How come he has a...
05:49Yes, sir.
05:54So, you're already in love.
05:55That's pre-decided.
05:57Somebody has to be found.
05:59And when it's pre-decided that somebody has to be found,
06:02then just about anybody you can lay your hands on becomes your girlfriend and congrats to you are in a relationship.
06:16I'm 25 or 28 or 30, I have to get married.
06:26Now, the purpose is pre-defined.
06:28So, now you are getting on from all the other apps.
06:32Anything that you put in the internal hole, will it change the configuration of the hole itself?
06:46Please tell me.
06:48And what if it is a bottomless hole?
06:52Anything that you put in that hole, first of all, cannot change its nature.
06:56Secondly, it will never succeed in filling it up.
07:01Your problem is the hole within, the hollow here, right?
07:05You do not realize that it has no bottom.
07:08It's an ending.
07:10So, first of all, because it's a circular hollow.
07:12So, you look for someone with circular features.
07:15Alright, that one.
07:16You come here.
07:18Tuck!
07:18This is absence of self-knowledge.
07:24You do not understand the nature of the inner void.
07:32And then you say relationships are failing.
07:34No, no.
07:34It's not the relationships that are failing.
07:36It's your failure to know yourself.
07:41The relationship comes much later.
07:42Doesn't it?
07:43The other comes much later.
07:45Also, the entire process is full of violence.
07:49At least, potentially.
07:53Because it's a great deal I'm demanding from the other.
07:56This hollow vexes me no end.
08:00And I want this one to come into my life.
08:02And turn it into paradise.
08:07The problem is, she has the same expectations.
08:11Because she carries the same kind of hollow.
08:15I'll be disappointed.
08:17And so would be she.
08:19And then we would blame each other.
08:26You see violence.
08:30Zindagi kharaab kardhi.
08:37Meri baap ko, tumse better koji nahi milata hai.
08:38In the middle of the affair, or rather at the initiation of the affair, please ask the other one.
08:56See, here.
08:57These are my expectations.
09:00Naked expectations.
09:01You think you can fulfill.
09:05But you will never expose this list.
09:08Never.
09:11Without even making your expectations clear,
09:13later on you want the expectations to be fulfilled.
09:16And when the other cannot fulfill,
09:18you blame.
09:20You blame and you might kick, punch, hit.
09:24Even kill.
09:25You might kick, punch, hit.
09:31Then we talk of so many random things.
09:39You know, there is this new coffee flavor
09:41at Starbucks.
09:43Want to try it?
09:45Why don't you really tell her what you want to try out?
09:49Randomly talking of some coffee flavor.
09:52And she too pretends as if she does not know.
09:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:55Let's go and try coffee.
09:58Be real.
10:01But then you have never practiced being real even with yourself.
10:06How can you be real with the other?
10:09These are two people playing a pathetic, well-rehearsed, primitive game with each other
10:13that is bound to result in a very predetermined outcome.
10:22Even the gestures are so predictable.
10:25AI can be a great lover.
10:34You try it out.
10:38For all those 2 a.m., 3 a.m. messages,
10:41AI is the best respondent.
10:44The same applies to our relationship with our job.
10:59And country.
11:01The concepts of patriotism.
11:07And nation.
11:09And our relationship with religion and God.
11:11Life is sort of an unending sequence of relationships.
11:21You are relating with the chair you sit on.
11:24Relating with the pen you hold.
11:25And we don't know who is the one that relates.
11:42Adhyakma.
11:43Self-knowledge is about getting into the one who is eager to strike all kinds of relationships.
11:48And when you come in contact with that one.
11:53It's a continuous process.
11:56When you keep in contact with that one.
11:59Then you find that you are effortlessly, relatively at least, effortlessly getting into the right relationships.
12:06And that you are not desperate.
12:12You don't have any goal posts.
12:14You don't have any deadlines.
12:18Resolution 2025.
12:20I have to get married.
12:21I have to do this.
12:44How does it feel?
12:45I know I can talk of my own case.
12:48But how does it feel to you when you see what human existence can be and how we lead it?
12:58We are born.
12:59We live like this.
13:03We get into somebody's life.
13:05We get a woman into our home.
13:12She leaves her home.
13:14And we have kids.
13:16This dark, unconscious process.
13:21Kids are born.
13:24And then you are 20-something or 30-something.
13:28You are siring your kids.
13:30You are the mentor, the guru.
13:32You are the mentor.
13:35And then the kids, they keep growing up.
13:41And they are already finished by the time they are 7 or 10.
13:46And the same cycle repeats itself.
13:51We go to office.
13:54We go to office.
13:57We earn money.
13:59And if somebody asks us, what is money?
14:01Can you define money?
14:02Probably we'd struggle with the answer.
14:05What is money?
14:06We don't know what is money.
14:07Money is something that helps us purchase goodies.
14:10Money is something that helps our self-esteem.
14:14What is money really?
14:16It gets us a house to live in.
14:18What is money?
14:20How do I answer that without knowing who am I?
14:23You think?
14:32Lady, you are 35.
14:34Either you are pregnant this year or you will die childless, barren, like a witch.
14:40And then we'll burn you at the altar.
14:42and you shudder, oh my god, yes! And you run helter-skelter to get pregnant. What kind
14:53of indignified? And it's not about having economic prosperity or education or a good
15:00tech job or visiting US every third year. I mean, if you are still in the grip of these
15:08things, how does it matter how well-educated you are or how much you earn? It doesn't matter.
15:18Maybe you will go to a more expensive clinic for your IVF thing. That's all. Or you'll
15:24be able to afford a more expensive surrogate something. But still the core story remains
15:31the same, doesn't it?
15:38And then we die. Have you seen a dead body? Have you seen how the fellow looks? Sir, ugly,
15:58not calm from my eyes, from where I look. Calmness is not something that you can get after death.
16:05The very thing of Jeevan Mukti is either you get it when you are still breathing or you
16:11have lost the opportunity. I have seen mutilated bodies, victims of road accidents and I have
16:22seen people dying of old age. Either case, there is a wasted life writ large on the face. In fact,
16:35there was one entire video dedicated to this. It was titled, Maran Na Jaane Koe. I'm not sure whether it's still live or we had to make it private. But it remained live for several years.
16:49So, there was this ghat at Kanpur. And close to a college I used to visit. And there was this dead body right at the ghat, stuck there. In the morning. There was me, there was another person. And we, anybody who's seen that video? Maran Na Jaane Koe. Dekhaja Aapne. This is a young man's body.
16:56Six feet something.
17:03The body has been flowing from somewhere. The body has been flowing from somewhere and has come and is now stuck here. And there are stairs leading into the river.
17:10And there, right there is the body. And right there is the body. And there is this little temple here. And there is this little temple here. And there is a Pandit Ji and I am having a
17:40conversation with Pandit Ji. And then ultimately we get a long bamboo and then we push the body like this so that it continues to flow.
17:47Push the body like this so that it continues to flow. And as long as we are alive. We behave as if we are immortal.
18:17And we create so much chaos. We make things difficult. And confined for everybody. We love to arrest people. And in bargain, we allow ourselves to be arrested.
18:46Now go ahead and put our brains in andita- warnhos and opportunity. I'm working in IT industry in the field of AI anomaly and a business analyst. Now my question is related to the dirty politics that happens in work office leading to inefficiency.
19:05and actually there are two parts to the question
19:09one is related to the workplace
19:11and the second part is related to the family life
19:17where we deal with petty issues
19:20leading to a lot of friction in the family life
19:24now how do I learn
19:27to go ahead with this
19:30how do I learn to forgive these things
19:33should I forgive
19:34and how do I deal with anger and frustration
19:39for these daily occurrences of life
19:43everyday we go through this
19:45so that's a brief
19:49the general principle is
20:00if it concerns you it is your responsibility
20:05it doesn't matter that the thing is happening at the office
20:11but since you are suffering
20:13the sufferer has to be in charge of his own liberation
20:19his own liberation
20:20her own liberation
20:21the onus is on me
20:25because I am the one suffering out of it
20:28so it could be the workplace
20:30or the family
20:32if I find that there are things
20:36that run counter to joy, peace, freedom
20:48and I don't like that
20:52then I'll have to challenge that
20:55I'll have to challenge that
20:57anger, frustration
20:59all these can be very good things
21:01if they are coming from the right center
21:04even desire can be a beautiful thing
21:09if it is coming from the right center
21:10so you don't really always have to deal with anger or frustration
21:17in the sense of suppressing them
21:21or eradicating them
21:22you can deal with anger and frustration
21:28also by expressing them
21:30provided you know that your anger and frustration
21:36are coming from the right place
21:38if you know that you are angry
21:44because you do not like
21:46that the office atmosphere is being vitiated
21:49or you do not like
21:51that some family member
21:54your boy, your girl
21:55is not going the right way
21:59not choosing the right company
22:01then anger and frustration
22:05have to be expressed
22:07and when they are coming from the right center
22:10they lose their toxicity
22:13anger coming from the right place
22:18is just alright
22:19just alright
22:22otherwise it becomes karma kand
22:26to forbid certain actions
22:29actions
22:30anger too is an action
22:32no?
22:34without looking at where a thing is coming from
22:37if you forbid it or endorse it
22:40that's what karma kand is
22:41just do this much
22:43just circumambulate that tree
22:46parikrama seven times
22:48and you will be blessed
22:50don't use your right hand on Sundays
22:58isn't that similar to never be angry
23:05a particular action that should never be endorsed
23:11no
23:11now what happens
23:14when you ascertain
23:17that you are angry from the right place
23:20you express your anger
23:25you want to change things
23:27within and without
23:29either things change
23:33or you realize you have come to something
23:36that cannot be changed
23:37and if cannot be changed
23:42and it still bothers you
23:43then you decide which way to go
23:46but if it makes you angry
23:52and you still do nothing to change or challenge it
23:56then the status quo persists
24:00the suffering remains
24:02try changing it
24:06let's see what you can do about the office environment
24:11obviously
24:11the office seems like a big thing
24:14and a particular person
24:15even if
24:17a responsible person
24:19even if a senior person
24:20seems like a small thing
24:21in front of the organization itself
24:24but let's try to do something about it
24:27fully convinced that
24:30I'm doing it for the right reasons
24:31either I meet
24:34with some success
24:35either that
24:37which is
24:37anti-life
24:39and anti-joy
24:40and anti-freedom
24:40either I succeed
24:43in reducing it
24:45or I see
24:46that the monster is just too big
24:49for me to defeat it
24:51and if you see that
24:52then you decide to
24:56pick a better battle for yourself
24:57why should I waste myself
25:01at a place
25:01that has decided
25:03to be monstrous
25:05and yet unchanging
25:07why should I stay there
25:10either way something will happen
25:14but nothing will happen
25:16if you keep bottling yourself down
25:19I'm getting it
25:25you don't like a person
25:27with patience
25:29with the right intent
25:32talk
25:34either something
25:38emerges from this conversation
25:41this engagement
25:42or you realize that nothing is going to emerge
25:45and hence
25:46let's go
25:47let me go my own way
25:48the funny thing is
25:57we know that there is a 99% chance
25:59that the monster will refuse to change
26:02and the implication of that
26:04will be that
26:05I'll have to then
26:06go my own way
26:07I know that in advance
26:09but I don't want to go my own way
26:11because that would involve
26:13taking a hit
26:13on my comforts
26:15conveniences
26:15and the securities
26:17I have amassed
26:18and the predictable way of life
26:21I'm used to
26:22I know if I challenge the monster
26:25that's the hit I'll have to take
26:26I don't want to take that hit
26:28so I never
26:29never challenge at all
26:31never challenge at all
26:35here you are
26:38I want to constructively engage with you
26:40so I fly down here
26:43I am talking to you
26:44by you I mean everybody
26:45I am engaging with
26:47one day
26:48it becomes very clear to me
26:50that this beloved nation of mine
26:53has taken a collective decision
26:55to not to change
26:57I'll find something better for myself to do
27:02seriously
27:04I am with you only because
27:07I still see a possibility
27:11the day collectively
27:14this nation
27:18sends me an ultimatum
27:21we are done with you
27:24we are happy the way we are
27:28don't bother us with your
27:31pyrotechnics
27:33I am not going to foist myself on you
27:38I will sense that
27:42I will judge that
27:43I will judge that
27:45I am with you only as long as I sit
27:49see that things are changing
27:51if things don't change
27:55no point keeping
27:59yourself in a fool's paradise
28:05no
28:05breaking your head against the wall
28:09that makes
28:12that makes
28:13a dead being out of you
28:16so many Indian relationships are a very good example of that
28:23in office
28:28at work
28:29business
28:31home
28:32family
28:33everywhere
28:34and your relationship with religion
28:36you know the other is not going to change
28:39so you simply give up
28:41you just give up
28:43you just give up
28:44and then these are two people saddled with each other like automatons
28:48just tolerating each other
28:51and they have grown so accustomed to each other
28:54that they don't even mind
28:55this kind of bondage
28:58that's not the life
29:07anybody should choose
29:08that's not the life you should choose
29:09that's not the life I am going to choose
29:11either
29:13things should improve
29:16or we move on
29:18that's all
29:20hmm
29:22and I'll make my utmost
29:26honest
29:27effort
29:28without waiting
29:30for any
29:32reciprocal gesture from your side
29:34to improve things
29:35I'll do everything that I can to improve things
29:39but still if you decide
29:40it's your office
29:41it's your organization
29:42if you still decide
29:43that you aren't going to listen
29:45alright
29:48it's a
29:50it's a big planet
29:52so many continents
29:58and
29:58200 odd countries
30:008 billion people
30:04we'll find another place
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