Russ Abbot - Last Chance - video Dailymotion

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00:00I'll be with you in a minute.

00:30Well, that works.

00:46There's definitely no way out of this without a key.

00:49Believe me, I'll just try.

01:00Packed and ready to go.

01:02Bit of forward planning.

01:04Yes, me, oh, you'd be amazed.

01:08Hang on.

01:09Let me get out of this.

01:22Oh, jeez.

01:23Isabel.

01:30Oh, I know, I know.

01:42Typical Morris.

01:45Just wait.

01:46This is a night for surprises.

01:58This is my big night.

02:00What are you doing?

02:01Don't tell me.

02:02It never paid to inquire.

02:20This is for you, Cherie, from Morris.

02:24Morris, the bloke you walked out on.

02:26You remember Morris, your husband?

02:29You sometimes used to pass him on your way out.

02:31A tall bloke.

02:33Often attached to a dog.

02:37I'm looking at you, Cherie.

02:39Your picture's still on the mantelpiece.

02:41I never took it down.

02:42Of course, I had to cover it when Isabel was here.

02:47You remember Isabel?

02:49Lives across the, um...

02:51She's been a big comfort to me, yes.

02:54Sort of, despite not being all that, how can I say, streamlined.

03:00Take a bit of buffeting in a wind tunnel with Isabel.

03:03Bakes like a bandit, though.

03:05Do you know, I've put on nearly a stone.

03:06I will not gain weight in kilos.

03:11You, I've no doubt, will still be killer thin.

03:16You left a few knickers here, did you know that?

03:18I sometimes look at them, hmm?

03:21They're so tiny.

03:24They seem so defenseless.

03:27Were they premature?

03:29They pluck at your heart so.

03:33I'd love to adopt them.

03:35Now, Isabel's are made of sterner stuff.

03:39Unknown caller.

03:57One of those.

04:01Hello?

04:03Yes, you can speak to the property owner.

04:06Would you hold while I fetch him?

04:09Hello, yes?

04:33Yes, I am.

04:35A government grant.

04:37From me?

04:39Oh, I had no idea they knew I existed.

04:43Will they be sending a check?

04:46Ah, on completion of certain works.

04:49Well, I had no idea I was in need of certain works.

04:54Tell me, by what strange alchemy are you aware I'm in need of certain works?

05:02Oh, you can insulate me thoroughly for a fraction of the normal cost.

05:08Oh, you little dick, uninvited, lurking in my ear.

05:12I've got news for you.

05:13I've got news for you.

05:14You are trespassing on the cochlea of a dead man.

05:17I'm off very shortly to the river, secured to a suitcase full of bricks, entirely, may I add, without a government grant.

05:24Can you understand that feather bedding my loft is not a full balls-on priority?

05:30Oh, poor bloke, I shouldn't have been so horrible to him.

05:39He's got that awful job.

05:41He's probably supporting some ageing father.

05:45A former war hero, who's about to lose his leg through type 2 diabetes.

05:52Above the knee.

06:02It's going to be a wet night, Max.

06:04This is one walk you'll not be sorry to miss.

06:08Oh, I should be gone with a clean mind, not snarling at people over telephones.

06:13Even if the dicks do deserve it.

06:16Oh, listen to me, temper.

06:18I'm a fountain of nastiness.

06:20Morris Roebuck, a creature of darkness.

06:24A fine steak to be in to meet your maker.

06:29Not only a load of bricks, I'm now counting some poor old diabetics' lost leg on my conscience.

06:36Above the knee.

06:39Do you think we do meet our maker?

06:42Why, come on, you're in a position to know.

06:44Are we held accountable over there?

06:46What's the word in doggy heaven?

06:48Did they get you for nicking that leg of lamb?

06:52I wish you were here to nick another now.

06:55I wouldn't be doing this if you were still around.

06:57You were the last straw.

07:01And you were the major contributor to my erectile dysfunction.

07:05Oh, it worked all right with Isabel, under conditions of minimal excitement.

07:09Well, it was either that or she was going to show me her thimble collection.

07:14Oh, but you.

07:16You, I would approach with awe and wonderment.

07:20I could taste you through walls.

07:24You could be in the next room and I could feel you.

07:27Next door to you, I promise.

07:28And I was always ready.

07:31You were married to Morris the Magnificent.

07:33It was only up close you used to squander my advantages.

07:38Once, when I was looking for some sign that you might be approaching orgasm,

07:43I recalled you saying to me,

07:45Morris, why aren't you more interested in cars?

07:49And I'm thinking, right now?

07:52Ah, but what you meant was,

07:54why aren't we changing up into something in leather with heated seats

07:57and probably a toilet and a wash basin?

08:01I never felt comfortable inside you after that.

08:03Oh, it felt like my visitor's pass had expired.

08:07I was trespassing.

08:08Only there, because nobody noticed.

08:11It fell short, Sherry, from that alleged moment when the earth moves.

08:16So why do I miss you?

08:19Oh, I've known love, but not with us.

08:22I mean, with Max.

08:23You and I never got close.

08:26So, have you found it where you've gone?

08:29You can't shop your way to it.

08:31Oh, um, I'm leaving the house to the dogs' home.

08:35That's not spite.

08:37You went for deeper pockets.

08:39And they need it more than you do.

08:42You took your stuff,

08:43and there's nothing here that you showed any interest in.

08:46When you get this, I'll be dead.

08:58All the way.

09:02And that's not because I wear boxer shorts.

09:04Would it have made any difference

09:06if I'd have been prepared to squeeze my genitals

09:08into something that looks like a false nose?

09:10Oh, dead, Sherry.

09:13No longer dull old Morris.

09:15Dead Morris.

09:16Sinister.

09:17Shades of Edgar Allan Poe.

09:20Oh!

09:21Oh!

09:23That could be me perched on the wires next time you go out.

09:27Oh!

09:29Stand by for little taps on your bedroom window.

09:33Oh!

09:34We don't know, do we?

09:40What comes after?

09:42Nobody knows.

09:43But I'm giving it a go.

09:45I mean, will there be a...

09:47Hello, Morris?

09:49It's unlikely.

09:50But we don't know.

09:52Not for sure.

09:53Is there anyone there?

09:55It's like your telephone these days.

09:58Supposing God's a recorded voice.

10:01In order that he can help you,

10:03will you please choose one of the following five options?

10:07Hmm?

10:21Oh!

10:23I hate it when it does that.

10:25Ah, dear.

10:26PHONE RINGS

10:27Hello?

10:30Isabel?

10:30Did...

10:31Did you just ring?

10:34Now?

10:35Not a minute since.

10:36Was that you?

10:38Oh.

10:39Well, I wonder who it was.

10:42No, I'm not expecting any calls.

10:44That's why I was wondering who it was.

10:48But why should it be some woman?

10:52Well, you were here at tea time.

10:53Do you think between now and then I've found time to find some woman?

10:59I've had one call offering me loft insulation.

11:03And I was hoping it was him again telling me his father's legs better.

11:06Never mind.

11:09What can I do for you, Isabel?

11:13What do you mean I've done enough?

11:14It's you that's always bringing the cakes.

11:17Yeah?

11:17No, no, no, I'm not sitting down.

11:22Why should I sit down, Isabel?

11:24How long are you planning this call to be?

11:28As a matter of fact, I do have something to do.

11:30It's important.

11:31It's personal.

11:32And it couldn't be more important.

11:34Not that kind of personal.

11:38Isabel, why are you weeping?

11:40It's not even Tuesday.

11:43But you do.

11:44You always weep on a Tuesday.

11:49I didn't like to ask.

11:50It's none of my business.

11:53It is my business.

11:54How come it's my business?

11:56No, I'm not sitting down.

11:59Just tell me.

12:03Hang on.

12:06I'm sitting down.

12:13Pregnant.

12:17No, no, no, I'm still here.

12:19Don't panic.

12:20Don't panic.

12:21Let me do the panicking.

12:23Isabel, how can you be pregnant?

12:26Scrub that, I know how.

12:29But one time, weren't you on anything?

12:34I know it was the floor.

12:36I meant medication precautions.

12:40It's the honey trap.

12:41I've fallen for the honey trap.

12:44Isabel, are you absolutely sure?

12:46Cast iron sure.

12:50Am I happy?

12:51Do I sound happy?

12:52No, I'm not happy.

12:53Are you happy?

12:54Isabel, you've no right to be happy.

12:59Do?

13:00What do you mean, do?

13:01I think I've done it, don't you?

13:03I need time to think about this.

13:05Will you call me back?

13:07No, no, not in five minutes.

13:09No, give me some time.

13:12When?

13:16Tomorrow.

13:17Yes, yes.

13:18No, first thing.

13:19Yes, no.

13:20As early as you like.

13:21Cherie, I've got to go.

13:32Something's just come up.

13:33Call it a further motivator.

13:35The place is tidy.

13:37All the paperwork is in my desk drawer.

13:39I still think you shouldn't have had the tattoo,

13:40but that's my opinion,

13:42and I hope things work out for you.

13:43I'll show you a bit of time.

14:04Oh, Max.

14:14One for the river.

14:19Come on, Max.

14:21Walkies.

14:21I know you're in there.

14:31Shh.

14:32No, shh, Isabel, Isabel, Isabel.

14:34Be quiet.

14:36They'll be complaining next door.

14:37I don't care.

14:38Do you think I care when you're trying to abandon me?

14:41Keep your voice down.

14:43Look, it's not really what you think.

14:45Is that a suitcase?

14:47Oh, you swine.

14:50It's not what you think.

14:53You brute.

14:55You leave me no choice.

14:57I shall go and end it all.

14:59No, don't be stupid.

15:01Too late for that.

15:03I've been stupid.

15:05Goodbye, Morris.

15:07Isabel, wait.

15:09Jesus, why didn't I just look at her bloody symbols?

15:12Oh, Isabel, Isabel.

15:20Oh, isabel, isabel.

15:35It's a mess.

15:37Like that.

Russ Abbot - Last Chance

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