Terrible Dating Advice

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00:00Stan, did you use my toothbrush?

00:02It was a few inches away from where I always leave it.

00:04Your toothbrush?

00:06No.

00:08I haven't used it yet.

00:09Yet?

00:10Okay, I was going to use it because I dropped mine in the trash bin.

00:13Well, at least you caught yourself from doing it.

00:15I didn't catch it.

00:16What?

00:17It fell in the toilet.

00:18I already told you, Carl.

00:19You have to try flirting with her.

00:21That's just not my thing.

00:23Okay, think of a good flirting line for me.

00:26I'll text her right now.

00:27You can try saying,

00:28You remind me of a microwave.

00:31Mysterious, boxy, and slightly radioactive.

00:35Wait, what?

00:36That makes no sense.

00:37That's how flirting is, Carl.

00:39They don't make sense.

00:40I think I asked the wrong person.

00:42No.

00:43Think about it, Carl.

00:44You're smart.

00:45What does it even mean?

00:46By comparing someone to a microwave,

00:48you're saying you're warm, mysterious, and occasionally dangerous.

00:53And that's sexy.

00:54It's a love poem.

00:55Jane didn't text back after I did what you told me to do last time.

00:59What should I do now?

01:00She's tougher to deal with than I thought she was.

01:02I guess there is only one option left for her to start having interest in you.

01:06I'm all ears.

01:07You have to create doubt in her mind.

01:09If you make people think they love you,

01:10then they will start to question and actually start loving you.

01:13How would I even be able to do that?

01:15Hit her in the head so she loses her memory and lied to her about it or something?

01:19Very close.

01:20Tell her that you two were married in your past life.

01:22You sure that will work?

01:24Even better.

01:24Tell her that you were not emotionally available and then just walk away.

01:28I saw that people are debating on whether one person could take down a hundred gorillas.

01:32Why would that even be a debate?

01:34There's no chance.

01:35Yeah, I thought so.

01:37You would need at least tens of thousands of them for gorillas to even stand a chance.

01:40What?

01:42Well, yeah.

01:43If you use modern weapons,

01:45then even millions of gorillas would even stand a chance.

01:47But I think the point of the debate is to not use any weapons.

01:51Then maybe that person could turn some of those gorillas into pets

01:53and make them fight each other.

01:55Oh, yeah?

01:56Maybe keep them in some kind of magic balls

01:58and summon them to fight each other for fun all the time.

02:01I think I would need to call the animal protection organization to come after you again.

02:05You actually read, Stan?

02:06I don't.

02:07But that guy just said he was in the same book club as you.

02:10I am in the book club.

02:11So you do read?

02:12No.

02:13I joined in just for the snacks.

02:14But he said you're the most avid reader in their club.

02:17They talk about books for way too long.

02:19So I give opinions to get it over with.

02:21How are you able to give opinions when you don't even read?

02:24I just say whatever.

02:25They can somehow always interpret it as something amazing.

02:28I'm always amazed.

02:29What happened to all of your furniture?

02:30My friend sold them for me.

02:32Why did you do that?

02:33You could have told me that you're short on money.

02:35It's not about money.

02:36I'm trying to be a minimalist like Tom.

02:38Tom?

02:38Yeah.

02:39I saw that he had no furniture in his house.

02:41And he told me about all the benefits of being a minimalist.

02:43How much did you sell them for?

02:45They added up to $200.

02:47$200?

02:48Was it also Tom that sold them for you?

02:50How did you know?

02:51Because his house is now fully furnished.

02:53I heard that whatever you visualize will eventually come true.

02:57I've heard of that trick in psychology back in the day.

02:59But I doubt if it actually works.

03:01It did for me?

03:02Really?

03:03After my co-worker told me this trick, I whisper,

03:05I am the boss to the monitor every day.

03:07I don't see you becoming a boss.

03:09I just became one yesterday.

03:10After my actual boss walked by and heard me,

03:13he said that I could be my own boss.

03:14You simply got fired, Stan.

03:17Stan, what were you doing?

03:18Staying up so late all the time lately.

03:20What are you talking about?

03:22I've been sleeping at regular hours.

03:24I've been receiving your texts at like 5 a.m.

03:26That's when I wake up.

03:28I was told to be more productive.

03:30And I heard that high performers wake up at 5 a.m.

03:32Wow, really?

03:33How's it doing for you?

03:34Not feeling the change yet.

03:36But I was late to work a lot.

03:37What were you busy with?

03:39Sleeping.

03:39I thought you said you wake up at 5.

03:41Yeah?

03:42To repeat to myself that I'm a high performer for 10 times,

03:45then go back to sleep.

03:46Why did you refuse to apologize?

03:48I was told to reframe negative thoughts.

03:50Negative thoughts?

03:52If it wasn't me apologizing for you,

03:54you would have gotten some negative life.

03:56What does that mean?

03:57Never mind.

03:57You just gotta apologize like a normal person next time.

04:01Instead of saying something weird like,

04:03I just learned gravity again.

04:05He was about to teach you that the force of his punch on your face

04:07was equal to the mass of his fist times acceleration.

04:10But I heard that instead of saying something negative like I failed,

04:14I need to say something positive like I learned.

04:16I need to say something positive like I failed.

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