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Short filmTranscript
00:00:30Oh, my God.
00:00:32We have to talk about our birthday plans.
00:00:34I mean, it's only two days away,
00:00:36and we still haven't decided the perfect way to celebrate.
00:00:38So...
00:00:44But I wanted to be sure.
00:00:46Um, I think...
00:00:48So, I was thinking,
00:00:50maybe we could all take a trip to...
00:00:52To, um...
00:00:54I meant to tell you,
00:00:56but I can't.
00:00:58Me too.
00:01:00Sue, um, I meant to tell you before,
00:01:02but I wanted to be sure.
00:01:04Um, I think I'm gonna spend my birthday with Jake.
00:01:06Uh, I'm gonna lose my virginity to him.
00:01:08You know, I want to surprise him.
00:01:10What?
00:01:12But you can't.
00:01:14I mean, I thought we were going to wait until marriage.
00:01:16Besides, you can't do that to us.
00:01:18You can't break tradition that way.
00:01:20This is bad.
00:01:22You know, I'm gonna tell Lexi.
00:01:24She's gonna be very unhappy about this.
00:01:28Come on.
00:01:32Come on, Lexi.
00:01:46So girls,
00:01:48what are we gonna do for our birthday?
00:01:50Sue, we have plenty of time
00:01:52to figure something out.
00:01:54But this is the big one-eight.
00:01:56I mean, every year
00:01:58since our moms met in the hospital,
00:02:00we've done something new and special,
00:02:02but this has to be newer and more special.
00:02:04So what's something we've never done before?
00:02:06Mushrooms?
00:02:08No, not like that.
00:02:10Like something nice.
00:02:12Like maybe a trip.
00:02:14Like a mushroom trip?
00:02:16No.
00:02:18Sorry, Sue, I have a date.
00:02:20So do I.
00:02:22Sorry, Sue.
00:02:24Oh.
00:02:36Oh, flowers. Are these from you?
00:02:38Yeah, sure.
00:02:40Here you go.
00:02:42No card, but I thought I saw one.
00:02:44I didn't know how to put my feelings into words.
00:02:46I guess, um,
00:02:48you still make me
00:02:50nervous.
00:02:52Oh, Jake.
00:02:56Maybe I should come in
00:02:58and hang out for a minute.
00:03:00Uh, no, Jake, not yet.
00:03:02When we do it, I want it to be really special.
00:03:04The best night of my life.
00:03:06It will be, I promise.
00:03:08It'll always be amazing with you
00:03:10and me together.
00:03:18Jake, no.
00:03:20I have to go. I have to work on my art project.
00:03:22You know, I thought
00:03:24art was going to be a really easy elective,
00:03:26but I guess I should have taken more math.
00:03:28Uh,
00:03:30so you're going to come to my birthday, okay?
00:03:32The Saturday?
00:03:34Of course.
00:03:38Thanks.
00:03:40Okay, bye.
00:03:50Nothing, nothing, nothing.
00:03:52Oh, baby, you're so hot.
00:03:54I'm going to do you so good.
00:03:56Oh, yeah, baby.
00:03:58What was your name again?
00:04:00Rod. Sex guy.
00:04:04Lexi is so upset
00:04:06she's speechless.
00:04:08Yeah, right.
00:04:10I bet.
00:04:16Cheryl's losing her virginity
00:04:18on Saturday?
00:04:20Oh, no.
00:04:22Does not compute.
00:04:24Want to talk in person ASAP.
00:04:28Oh, huh.
00:04:30Hi.
00:04:32When did you get home?
00:04:34So, is it true?
00:04:36Yes, it is.
00:04:38It's just, it's the right time
00:04:40and Jake's the right man.
00:04:42I mean, he's handsome
00:04:44and smart and wealthy
00:04:46and he has a bright future ahead of him.
00:04:48So, I just think it's the right time.
00:04:50Lexi, tell her.
00:04:52Losing our virginity is one of those milestones
00:04:54we should all face together.
00:04:56On our birthday, yes, but not on this birthday.
00:04:58Like, maybe on our 23rd birthday
00:05:00or maybe even, like, our 29th.
00:05:02Eight.
00:05:04Maybe.
00:05:06Listen, guys, I know it's tradition,
00:05:08but I'm sorry.
00:05:12I know it's tradition,
00:05:14but I'm sorry.
00:05:20But, Cheryl,
00:05:22Sue is right.
00:05:24We do always do something special on our birthday.
00:05:26Does Jake really have such a
00:05:28tiny little needle dip?
00:05:30It's not Jake.
00:05:32It's the male ideal.
00:05:34Like, a Greek god
00:05:36or Sue's dad.
00:05:38Right.
00:05:40Yeah, I guess you're right.
00:05:42I mean, it kind of sucks. I'm not really an artist.
00:05:44Girls, can you just stop changing the subject?
00:05:46The point is, we should all lose
00:05:48our virginities together on the same day
00:05:50and I'm just not ready yet.
00:05:52I'm waiting for a sign
00:05:54and then I'll know it's right.
00:05:56Look, I can go either way.
00:05:58I mean, I'm fine with just 69,
00:06:0079, anal.
00:06:02I don't feel any rush to actually do the deed.
00:06:04Besides,
00:06:06I know it'll never live up to my rabbit anyway.
00:06:08But, if you want to do it
00:06:10this year, then
00:06:12maybe we all should.
00:06:14You know, it could be like our big
00:06:1618th birthday thing.
00:06:20Where are you going at 6.30 in the morning?
00:06:22To church.
00:06:24To pray for you.
00:06:26I want to be first in line.
00:06:28I'm getting some sleep.
00:06:30Yeah, me too.
00:06:32Forgive me, Father,
00:06:34for I have sinned.
00:06:36It has been four days since my last confession.
00:06:38I accuse myself of the following sins.
00:06:40Mm-hmm.
00:06:42Okay, so I'm really embarrassed
00:06:44to talk about this, but
00:06:46it's about sex.
00:06:48Mm-hmm.
00:06:50I mean, not me.
00:06:52I've never gone past second base with a guy.
00:06:54Mm-hmm.
00:06:56I've never even seen a guy in my life.
00:06:58Mm-hmm.
00:07:00I've never even seen a guy's...
00:07:02Well, there was that one time
00:07:04I took the pants off my Ken doll,
00:07:06but I was dressing him up as Jesus,
00:07:08and I wanted to see his thing,
00:07:10but there was nothing there.
00:07:14Okay, so it's about my friends.
00:07:16My best friends.
00:07:18They're going to do something really bad this weekend.
00:07:20Okay.
00:07:22Third base.
00:07:24What? No. Like, sex.
00:07:26Like, intercourse.
00:07:28With boys, they barely even know.
00:07:30I mean, they really need us intervention,
00:07:32if you know what I mean.
00:07:34All the way. Go all the way.
00:07:36What are you...
00:07:38Ah!
00:07:40Ah!
00:07:42How could you do...
00:07:44You're a bad, bad person.
00:07:46What?
00:07:52Yes.
00:07:54Yes!
00:07:56Home run!
00:07:58Ah, damn it!
00:08:02Fucking Yankees.
00:08:04Sorry.
00:08:26Sue,
00:08:28it is 1 p.m.
00:08:30Would you have a little consideration?
00:08:32I'm trying to sleep.
00:08:34Jeez, can you guys please keep it down?
00:08:38I have an announcement to make.
00:08:40I want to do it.
00:08:42Do you hear me? I want to do it.
00:08:44This weekend.
00:08:46On our birthday.
00:08:48Do what?
00:08:50It. Screw.
00:08:52You know, screwing, boning,
00:08:54hitting two backs, you know,
00:08:56shagging, fucking.
00:08:58You do.
00:09:00But what about
00:09:02all your religious stuff and
00:09:04what about your sign from heaven?
00:09:06Oh, I got a sign at church.
00:09:08Really?
00:09:10Well, okay, great.
00:09:12We're all in then.
00:09:14So we'll have a big pool party
00:09:16and we'll do it there.
00:09:18Right?
00:09:20Right.
00:09:22I'm on the shopping list.
00:09:30Hey, Frank.
00:09:32Oh, hi, Sue.
00:09:34Guys, we didn't invite Frank
00:09:36to the party.
00:09:38I don't know, do you think he'd even have fun?
00:09:40Yeah, he's blind.
00:09:42Blind people can do everything regular people can do.
00:09:44We'll be back.
00:09:46Hey, um,
00:09:48I was wondering,
00:09:50we're throwing this party tomorrow night.
00:09:52It's for our birthday.
00:09:54Do you want to come?
00:09:56Do you think he can see up my shore?
00:10:08Well, my house looks done.
00:10:10Tomorrow's the big day.
00:10:12Tomorrow's the big day.
00:10:14We finally turn 18.
00:10:16And finally lose our virginity.
00:10:18Well, we better get our beady sleep
00:10:20because the party starts tomorrow at 2.
00:10:22So, okay, we know who Cheryl's gonna do it with,
00:10:24Jake, and I'll probably do that guy, Rod.
00:10:26But Sue, who are you gonna pick
00:10:28to pop your chain?
00:10:30It's easy.
00:10:32I've known for the past six years,
00:10:34ever since catechism.
00:10:36What the fuck is catechism?
00:10:38I think it's a baby panda wrapped in peanut butter.
00:10:42My soulmate.
00:10:46Chris?
00:10:48Sue, you, um,
00:10:50might want to think about picking a backup.
00:10:52I mean...
00:10:54What? No, Chris is perfect.
00:10:56He played Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar
00:10:58last year at camp.
00:11:00Plus, his name's Chris. It's a sign.
00:11:02Sue, the only sign
00:11:04is that Chris has a major case
00:11:06of gay face.
00:11:08What?
00:11:10He does not.
00:11:12Anyway, there's no such thing as gay face.
00:11:14He looks just like Justin Bieber.
00:11:16With a little bit of Zac Efron
00:11:18and just a hint of Ryan Seacrest.
00:11:20Who the fuck's Ryan Seacrest?
00:11:22Look, Chris is my soulmate.
00:11:24Okay, well, sweet dreams.
00:11:28See you in the morning.
00:11:36I knew it would happen someday.
00:11:38I just didn't expect it to happen so soon.
00:12:08You're so perfect.
00:12:38I knew that's what I look like.
00:13:00Too bad no one could ever compare to you.
00:13:08Ah.
00:13:16See you tomorrow, Thursday.
00:13:18Okay.
00:13:38Oh, my gosh.
00:13:40They're coming.
00:13:42Lexi, Cheryl, hurry!
00:13:46Ew, why?
00:13:48It's for Jake to unwrap me.
00:13:50It's gonna be really sexy.
00:13:52I'm gonna suffocate.
00:13:54You're gonna die of asphyxiation.
00:13:56It's gonna be really sexy.
00:13:58It's stupid. Just screw him.
00:14:00That's what he wants. That's what all guys want.
00:14:02Who hurt you as a child?
00:14:04Oh, Christ.
00:14:06Anyway,
00:14:08what guys want is someone who's sexy,
00:14:10not someone they can just have sex with.
00:14:12You're an idiot.
00:14:14A very smooth, plastic-wrapped idiot.
00:14:18Guys, seriously, come on. Hurry up.
00:14:20Oh.
00:14:24Oh, what a cool bracelet.
00:14:26I love it.
00:14:28Um...
00:14:30You should put that down, though, because it's, like...
00:14:32Very fragile.
00:14:34Hurry up.
00:14:38Those are your anal beads, right?
00:14:40Yeah.
00:15:00Whoa!
00:15:04Oh, we're gonna have some fun.
00:15:06Oh, attack of the wet T-shirts. Nice!
00:15:16Happy birthday, Lex.
00:15:18Oh,
00:15:20Joanna, we said no gifts.
00:15:22That is lip poison
00:15:24to plump your lips, but be careful.
00:15:26It stings. And the other one is
00:15:28edible miscellaneous oil.
00:15:30Oh, how did you know?
00:15:32Both of these tonight.
00:15:38Foster, such a cutie.
00:15:40Please don't touch
00:15:42my service dog.
00:15:44Hi. Sorry. Are you okay now?
00:15:46Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you. Okay. See you later.
00:15:50I can't believe you haven't heard of it.
00:15:52This is crazy.
00:15:54Jake! Hi!
00:15:56Hey, babe.
00:15:58Happy birthday.
00:16:00Oh, you didn't have to give me anything.
00:16:02What?
00:16:04You want a beer?
00:16:06No.
00:16:10Oh, hon.
00:16:12Come here.
00:16:16I have your present here.
00:16:18I'll give it to you later, when the time's right.
00:16:20You didn't have to
00:16:22get me anything.
00:16:24And I have a present for you that
00:16:26I want you to unwrap
00:16:28later.
00:16:30Hey, bro. We need you to settle
00:16:32this bet over here real quick.
00:16:34What bet?
00:16:38Alright, this is my man right here.
00:16:40Hey. How you doing?
00:16:42Hi.
00:16:50Check it out!
00:16:52Dare me?
00:16:58Woo!
00:17:10Oh, dude. Look at those.
00:17:12Are those real?
00:17:14Have you guys seen Cheryl?
00:17:16Come on, lame!
00:17:18Oh, alright. Okay. I'll see you guys later.
00:17:20Go do some push-ups or something.
00:17:2220 bucks says by the end of the day
00:17:24I will be motorboating those titties.
00:17:26They're fake anyways.
00:17:28Who cares?
00:17:30Okay.
00:17:34Oh, dude.
00:17:36I'm blind, you fucking asshole.
00:17:40Sue, no. It's your birthday.
00:17:42Here, let me.
00:17:44Joanna, no. Just go enjoy the party.
00:17:46Come on.
00:17:48I win.
00:17:50Hey.
00:17:52Do my lips look any plumper?
00:17:54I can't really feel anything yet.
00:17:56Have you guys seen Jake?
00:17:58I haven't seen him anywhere.
00:18:00He just, like, disappeared.
00:18:12Are these real?
00:18:14Of course they are.
00:18:16How come I've never met you before?
00:18:18I don't know. Maybe he's going to be around.
00:18:20Have you seen Jake?
00:18:22Um, I think he's around or something.
00:18:24Maybe upstairs. I don't know.
00:18:28Maybe he went to go get my birthday present.
00:18:30That's probably where he went.
00:18:34Liquid Courage?
00:18:36Yeah.
00:18:38Atta girl.
00:18:42Vodka Cranberry?
00:18:44Shirley Temple.
00:18:46Well, I guess it's now or never.
00:18:48Sue?
00:18:50Are you okay?
00:18:52Sue? Relax.
00:18:54They're just lies.
00:18:56Nothing to be scared of. Seriously.
00:18:58You're going to be fine. Is Chris here?
00:19:04Wow.
00:19:06It's even worse in person, isn't it?
00:19:08No. He does not have a gay face.
00:19:10I'm going to prove it to you.
00:19:12I'm going to do it.
00:19:14I'm going to do this.
00:19:16Good luck.
00:19:18Hey, you can do this.
00:19:20Just act like a slut.
00:19:24Just pretend.
00:19:26Here, Lexi.
00:19:32I'm sorry.
00:19:34I'm sorry.
00:19:36I'm sorry.
00:19:38I'm sorry.
00:19:40I'm sorry.
00:19:42I'm sorry.
00:19:46Yeah, my favorite chapter is Solomon's War.
00:19:50Chris.
00:19:52Hi. Can I talk to you?
00:19:54Huh?
00:19:56In private?
00:19:58Hey, Lexi.
00:20:10Hey, Lexi. Hey, Lexi.
00:20:12What?
00:20:14Chris.
00:20:16You're so sexy.
00:20:18Ever since you played Jesus at camp,
00:20:20I've just...
00:20:22I've known that we were meant to be together.
00:20:24I really want to...
00:20:26Oh, what are you doing?
00:20:28Is that wrong?
00:20:30Sue, what's gotten into you?
00:20:32Nothing. I'm sorry.
00:20:34I don't know how to do this.
00:20:36Sue.
00:20:38Sue.
00:20:40I understand
00:20:42these urges.
00:20:44And, you know,
00:20:46I like you, too.
00:20:48Really? You do?
00:20:50I do. I really do.
00:20:52I like you, too.
00:20:54Really? You do?
00:20:56I do. I really do.
00:20:58It's just...
00:21:00I've devoted a lot of my life
00:21:02to one certain man.
00:21:04Right.
00:21:06Lexi said you were...
00:21:08Jesus.
00:21:10Oh, that man.
00:21:12Of course. What did you think?
00:21:14Oh, nothing.
00:21:16So we can still do this, then?
00:21:18Oh, Sue.
00:21:20You know, for me,
00:21:22when I think
00:21:24about that man
00:21:26who died for our sins,
00:21:28when I think about him
00:21:30up there on that cross,
00:21:32so helpless, yet so
00:21:34muscular,
00:21:36with his strong
00:21:38thighs crossed
00:21:40over each other
00:21:42so delicately
00:21:44beneath that ragged
00:21:46loincloth,
00:21:48growing so hot,
00:21:50and finally under that hot,
00:21:52hot sun,
00:21:54I just feel such
00:21:56compassion.
00:21:58I think about those things, too.
00:22:00So you understand why I
00:22:02can't do this?
00:22:04Not really.
00:22:06I just find it too hard.
00:22:08It is to give in to
00:22:10carnal pleasure when
00:22:12he sacrificed so much for us.
00:22:14So...
00:22:20...
00:22:24I'm gonna go out there, right?
00:22:26And they were gonna tell me through these ones.
00:22:28Whoa!
00:22:30Did you see Jake?
00:22:32Uh, no. No.
00:22:34All right.
00:22:36Okay.
00:22:38All right, focus, focus, focus.
00:22:46Oh, there he is.
00:22:48Oh,
00:22:50he got me the puppy that I wanted.
00:23:04How could he?
00:23:08Sue,
00:23:10what happened? Did you guys do it?
00:23:12Sue?
00:23:14He doesn't want me.
00:23:16Because he's gay.
00:23:18No, he's not. He just really loves Jesus.
00:23:20Oh, come on, Sue.
00:23:22The only reason you even liked him
00:23:24is because you knew he was never a real possibility
00:23:26for you?
00:23:28Look, the only way
00:23:30you're gonna find out what kind of man you really want
00:23:32is to know what kind of woman you really are
00:23:34deep inside.
00:23:36What?
00:23:38Come with me.
00:23:40Where?
00:23:42To meet your dark side.
00:23:46Out.
00:23:48Everyone out.
00:23:58Sue,
00:24:00it's time for you and your vagina to meet
00:24:02face to face.
00:24:12I really can't.
00:24:14I really can't.
00:24:16I really don't think I can do this.
00:24:18I'm not letting you out until you look.
00:24:24I'm not letting you out until you look.
00:24:28Sue?
00:24:30Can you see it?
00:24:32Sue?
00:24:36I'm almost...
00:24:38I'm almost there.
00:24:40Ugh!
00:24:42What?
00:24:44What?
00:24:46Sue, what happened? What did you see?
00:24:48A raccoon?
00:24:50What?
00:24:52You overshot it. Aim the mirror further up.
00:25:00I can't.
00:25:02Please don't make me do that again.
00:25:04Okay, fine. Fine.
00:25:06I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice.
00:25:08What?
00:25:10You really need an orgasm.
00:25:12Honestly, I don't know
00:25:14how you expected to ever have sex with someone else
00:25:16when you've never even had it with yourself.
00:25:18This really has to be your first step.
00:25:20Lex, I'm waiting.
00:25:22Coming. Sue, my black vibrator
00:25:24is somewhere in the top drawer. Just find it
00:25:26and use it.
00:25:28Wait. What does a black vibrator look like?
00:25:30It's black. It vibrates.
00:25:34Come on, Rod. Let's go to Sue's room.
00:25:36Don't come back
00:25:38until you have at least one orgasm.
00:25:50Hey, cutie!
00:25:52Cutie!
00:25:54Ugh!
00:25:56Oh!
00:25:58Oh, yeah!
00:26:02Big...
00:26:04Bang! Bang!
00:26:06Good boy.
00:26:08Straighten up.
00:26:10Good boy. Good boy.
00:26:12He knows over 100 commands.
00:26:14I'm sorry.
00:26:16I can't see anything.
00:26:18That is not funny, Cheryl.
00:26:20What a bitch.
00:26:22Fortunately, when you're blind, you get used to things like that.
00:26:24Ah!
00:26:30Ugh!
00:26:32Ugh!
00:26:40Ugh!
00:26:50Oh, shit.
00:26:56What's wrong with this thing?
00:27:02Direct hit.
00:27:16Cheryl, what is wrong?
00:27:18Lexi, it's Jake.
00:27:20He was getting a blowjob
00:27:22by some pink-haired girl.
00:27:24For sure?
00:27:26I mean, I know I've been putting off having sex with him,
00:27:28so maybe it's my fault.
00:27:30What excuse? He's a dirtbag.
00:27:32How dare he?
00:27:34No, it's awful.
00:27:36I mean, I thought I was gonna marry him.
00:27:42It's a text.
00:27:44It's from him.
00:27:46Um, I can't bear myself to read it.
00:27:48Okay. Uh, he's looking for you.
00:27:50He wants to give you your birthday gift.
00:27:52Oh, I can't face him.
00:27:54Um, I have to go. I'm going.
00:27:56No, you can't just leave.
00:27:58It happened. I mean, maybe I should confront him.
00:28:00No. He'll either deny it
00:28:02or admit and promise never to do it again.
00:28:04Either way, it's bullshit.
00:28:06I see only one option.
00:28:08Uh, he's looking for you. He wants to give you your...
00:28:10I'm leaving.
00:28:12Revenge sex.
00:28:14Oh, I can't face him.
00:28:16Um, I have to go. I'm going.
00:28:18No, you can't just leave.
00:28:20Well, I can't stay and just pretend like nothing's...
00:28:22Re... I mean, what?
00:28:24What does that even mean?
00:28:26Maybe I should confront him.
00:28:28No. It means you find a guy, you screw his brains out,
00:28:30and you let Jake...
00:28:32He'll either deny it or admit and promise never to do it again.
00:28:34Either way, it's bullshit.
00:28:36I see only one option.
00:28:38I'm leaving.
00:28:40Revenge sex.
00:28:42Re... I mean, what? What does that even mean?
00:28:46Catch you.
00:28:48It means you find a guy,
00:28:50you screw his brains out,
00:28:52and you let Jake catch you.
00:28:54Revenge sex.
00:28:56Re... I mean, what? What does that even mean?
00:28:58It means you find a guy,
00:29:00you screw his brains out,
00:29:02and you let Jake catch you.
00:29:04But he... I mean, he doesn't even care.
00:29:06He doesn't even care about me. I mean, why would...
00:29:08He's just into other girls.
00:29:10Trust me. He'll care.
00:29:12Seriously, this is the worst thing you could do to him.
00:29:14To his ego.
00:29:16To screw someone else when you've never even had sex with him.
00:29:18Especially if it's with someone smarter,
00:29:20better looking,
00:29:22and with a bigger dick.
00:29:24No, I... I couldn't.
00:29:26Plus, I mean, there's...
00:29:28there's no one smarter and better looking.
00:29:30Eric! He's perfect!
00:29:32Eric Hall? Are you kidding?
00:29:34I mean,
00:29:36he wouldn't even be into me. He likes your type.
00:29:38Really? And what type is that?
00:29:40He's flirty.
00:29:42Yeah. Trust me, he's amazing.
00:29:44I fooled around with him once.
00:29:46He has this great tongue ring.
00:29:48Oh, no. I could never fool around with somebody
00:29:50you've fooled around with.
00:29:52Okay, then. Fine. We will find someone else.
00:29:54Someone that I haven't
00:29:56fooled around with.
00:30:00Okay, what does it matter
00:30:02that I fooled around with him? I mean, it's like you're not gonna marry the guy.
00:30:04No, I just
00:30:06couldn't do it. Fine.
00:30:08If you want to live the rest of your life
00:30:10knowing that you had one chance to do the right thing
00:30:12to make your boyfriend feel like a total
00:30:14worthless piece of garbage and possibly even
00:30:16scar him with the rest of his existence
00:30:18If you chose not to do it, go ahead.
00:30:20But honestly, I don't know how
00:30:22you'll be able to live with yourself.
00:30:24I don't know.
00:30:28But honestly, I don't know how you'll be able to live with yourself.
00:30:32I don't know.
00:30:34Trust me. It's going to work.
00:30:40I will intercept Jake and get him upstairs.
00:30:44Hi, Cheryl.
00:30:46You jackass.
00:30:58Hey.
00:31:00Happy birthday.
00:31:02Thanks.
00:31:16Have you guys seen Jake?
00:31:20So...
00:31:22Happy birthday.
00:31:24Uh, do you know...
00:31:30Uh, do you know that most people think
00:31:32that the happy birthday song was from Britain?
00:31:34But it's actually from us, U.S.A.
00:31:36So...
00:31:38Uh, do you know that most people think
00:31:40that the happy birthday song was from Britain?
00:31:42But it's actually from us, U.S.A.
00:31:44America?
00:31:46United States?
00:31:48I know where we live.
00:31:50Right.
00:31:52Of course.
00:31:54I know where we live.
00:31:56Right.
00:31:58Of course.
00:32:02Hey, Jesus, Eric.
00:32:04Are you going to make your move or not?
00:32:06Oh, you want me to move?
00:32:08Yeah, no, I can totally move.
00:32:10No, you're fine.
00:32:12Fine.
00:32:22Are you the guy?
00:32:24No, I just couldn't do it.
00:32:26Fine.
00:32:28If you want to live the rest of your life
00:32:30knowing that you had one chance to do the right thing
00:32:32to make your boyfriend feel like a total worthless piece of garbage
00:32:34and possibly even scar him with the rest of his existence
00:32:36and you chose not to do it,
00:32:38go ahead.
00:32:40But honestly, I don't know
00:32:42how you'll be able to live with yourself.
00:32:44I don't know.
00:32:46But honestly,
00:32:48I don't know how you'll be able to live with yourself.
00:32:50I don't know.
00:32:52Trust me.
00:32:54It's going to work.
00:33:00I will intercept Jake and get him upstairs.
00:33:04Hi, Cheryl.
00:33:06Oh, no!
00:33:10Oh, no.
00:33:18Hey.
00:33:20Happy birthday.
00:33:22Thanks.
00:33:40Have you guys seen Jake?
00:33:46So...
00:33:48Happy birthday.
00:33:50Uh, do you know that
00:33:52most people think that the happy birthday song
00:33:54was from Britain?
00:33:56But it's actually from us, U.S.
00:33:58America?
00:34:00United States?
00:34:02I know where we live.
00:34:04Right.
00:34:06Of course.
00:34:08I know where we live.
00:34:10Right.
00:34:12Of course.
00:34:16Hey, Jesus, Eric,
00:34:18are you going to make your move or not?
00:34:20Oh, you want me to move?
00:34:22Yeah, no, I can totally move.
00:34:24No, you're fine.
00:34:38Jake!
00:34:42So, Eric, do you want to do it or not?
00:34:44Oh.
00:34:46I'm sorry, it?
00:34:50Monkey bone in and, like,
00:34:52pigs in a blanket.
00:34:54What, um...
00:34:56It, like...
00:35:00Get real nasty.
00:35:02Oh!
00:35:04Monkey bone in and, like,
00:35:06get real nasty?
00:35:08Oh! Oh, you mean, like,
00:35:10uh, right now?
00:35:12I mean, well,
00:35:14yeah, you know, the sooner the better.
00:35:16Yeah, sure.
00:35:18I mean, yeah, of course.
00:35:20Um, I just never realized that you...
00:35:22I mean...
00:35:24Whew.
00:35:26Uh...
00:35:28It's just...
00:35:30You're so...
00:35:32You're so beautiful.
00:35:34Okay, um...
00:35:36Uh, no kissing.
00:35:38Right, um...
00:35:40Of course. Sorry.
00:35:44So, um...
00:35:46Do you want to unwrap me?
00:35:48Oh, wow.
00:35:50Uh, you wrapped up like a Hot Pocket
00:35:52or a leftover macaroni and cheese.
00:35:54Now that you're left over, you're not.
00:35:56Uh, you're fresh.
00:36:00Now that you're left over, you're not.
00:36:02Uh, you're fresh.
00:36:04Organic.
00:36:06Yep.
00:36:08So the wrap.
00:36:10Right.
00:36:12Um, where's the, uh...
00:36:14It's, uh, the end is...
00:36:16The edge is, like, right over here.
00:36:18Oh, oh, yeah, here it is. I see it.
00:36:20Um, let me just, uh...
00:36:22Ow, ow, ow.
00:36:24Oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry.
00:36:26It's okay. Do it again.
00:36:28Sorry, I, uh...
00:36:30I bite my nails, so it's a little difficult.
00:36:32You know what? Let me just lay you on the bed.
00:36:34Okay.
00:36:40Uh...
00:36:42Let me just see.
00:36:44Oh, here it is. I got it.
00:36:46All right. This is him.
00:36:48United States.
00:36:50I know where we live.
00:36:52Right. Of course.
00:36:54I know where we live.
00:36:56Right. Of course.
00:36:58Ahem.
00:37:02Hold it.
00:37:04Ah!
00:37:06Hey, Jesus, Eric, are you gonna make your move or not?
00:37:08Oh, you want me to move? Yeah, no, I can totally move.
00:37:10I just...
00:37:12No, you're fine.
00:37:14Oh!
00:37:16Oh, jeez. Uh, Cheryl, are you...
00:37:18Are you okay?
00:37:20Help!
00:37:28Uh...
00:37:32Jake!
00:37:36So, Eric, do you want to do it or not?
00:37:38Oh. I'm sorry.
00:37:40It? Hey, Cheryl, are you okay?
00:37:42What, um...
00:37:44It.
00:37:46Like, monkey bone-in
00:37:48and, like, pigs in a blanket
00:37:50get real nasty.
00:37:52Oh. Oh.
00:37:54You mean, like, uh...
00:37:56Oh, jeez.
00:37:58Eric.
00:38:00Right now? I mean, well,
00:38:02yeah, you know, the sooner the better.
00:38:04Yeah, sure.
00:38:06I mean, yeah, of course.
00:38:08Um, I just never realized that you...
00:38:10I mean...
00:38:12Whew.
00:38:14Uh...
00:38:16It's just...
00:38:18You're so...
00:38:20There.
00:38:22Mm.
00:38:24You're so beautiful.
00:38:26Okay, um...
00:38:28Uh, no kissing.
00:38:30Right. Um, of course.
00:38:32Sorry.
00:38:36Well, that was stupid.
00:38:38So, um...
00:38:40Do you want to
00:38:42unwrap me?
00:38:44Oh, wow. Uh, you wrapped up like a Hot Pocket
00:38:46or a leftover macaroni and cheese.
00:38:48Now that you're leftover, you're not.
00:38:50Uh, you're fresh.
00:38:54Now that you're leftover, you're not.
00:38:56Uh, you're fresh.
00:38:58Organic.
00:39:00Yeah.
00:39:02Heck. Yep.
00:39:06So the wrap.
00:39:08Right. Um...
00:39:10Where's the, uh...
00:39:14It's, uh, the end is...
00:39:16Oh, oh, yeah, here it is.
00:39:18I see it. Um, let me just, uh...
00:39:22Ow, ow, ow.
00:39:24Sorry, sorry.
00:39:26It's okay. Do it again.
00:39:28Sorry, I, uh...
00:39:30I bit my nail, so it's a little difficult.
00:39:32You know what? Let me just lay on the bed.
00:39:36How you doing tonight?
00:39:38Okay.
00:39:40Having a good time?
00:39:42Yeah.
00:39:44Okay.
00:39:46Uh...
00:39:48Let me just see.
00:39:50Oh, here it is. I got it.
00:39:52All right, just, um, pull it.
00:39:54Let me just...
00:39:58Oh, jeez. Uh, Cheryl, are you...
00:40:00Are you okay?
00:40:02Uh...
00:40:06I think I saw Cheryl upstairs.
00:40:08What? Hey, Cheryl, are you okay?
00:40:10Oh, jeez.
00:40:12Oh, jeez.
00:40:18Well, that was stupid.
00:40:20Yeah.
00:40:24I can't hear you.
00:40:30How you doing tonight?
00:40:32Having a good time?
00:40:34Jake, I think I saw Cheryl upstairs.
00:40:36What?
00:40:38I can't hear you.
00:40:40I can't hear you.
00:40:42I need another beer.
00:40:44Chips are so damn salty.
00:40:48Hold on. I'll take a piss.
00:40:50Jake!
00:40:52Upstairs. Yeah.
00:40:54Hold on. I'll take a piss.
00:40:56How much beer?
00:41:10Oh.
00:41:24Finally.
00:41:26I, uh...
00:41:28Let me just get the blinds.
00:41:30Oh, no, no, no.
00:41:32Um, don't worry about it.
00:41:34What?
00:41:36I mean, I want us to be able to see each other.
00:41:38Oh.
00:41:40Well, okay. Okay.
00:42:00Finally.
00:42:08I, uh...
00:42:10Let me just get the blinds.
00:42:12Finally.
00:42:14I, uh...
00:42:16Let me just get the blinds.
00:42:18Oh, no, no, no.
00:42:20Um, don't worry about it.
00:42:22What?
00:42:24I mean, I want us to be able to see each other.
00:42:26Oh.
00:42:28Well, okay.
00:42:30Okay.
00:42:38Okay.
00:43:02Oh!
00:43:04Oh!
00:43:06Oh!
00:43:14What are you doing?
00:43:16Uh...
00:43:18I think it's time.
00:43:20You know, to...
00:43:22do it.
00:43:24Um, not yet. More foreplay.
00:43:26Huh? Oh.
00:43:28Oh!
00:43:30Oh!
00:43:36Oh.
00:43:38Yep.
00:43:40So good.
00:43:42Oh.
00:43:44Yep.
00:43:46Oh, my jaw. Jaw, jaw, jaw.
00:43:48What? What?
00:43:50Oh!
00:43:52Lock jaw, lock jaw.
00:43:54Is that even a thing?
00:43:56I don't know.
00:43:58Ah.
00:44:00Are you okay?
00:44:02No, no, no.
00:44:04It's, uh...
00:44:06It's fine. I'm just embarrassed.
00:44:08It's probably TNJ
00:44:10or fracture.
00:44:12Swollen.
00:44:14Are you sure you're okay?
00:44:16Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.
00:44:18Okay, great. Have fun.
00:44:20Oh.
00:44:26Now. Let's do it now.
00:44:28No, not yet. Not yet.
00:44:30Now.
00:44:36All right, I'm gonna come.
00:44:38Let's do it now.
00:44:40No, not yet. Not yet.
00:44:42All right, I'm gonna come.
00:44:44I'm gonna come. Are you ready?
00:44:46No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:44:48No, no, no, not yet.
00:44:50Lexi! Lexi!
00:44:52Oh!
00:44:54Oh, no.
00:44:56No, no, no, not yet. Lexi!
00:44:58Oh!
00:45:00No means no. Huh?
00:45:02Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
00:45:04It's been a really long time, and I just...
00:45:06I haven't masturbated for anything.
00:45:10Uh-oh.
00:45:14Oh, hey, Jake.
00:45:16How you doing?
00:45:18How's it going?
00:45:20Good. Eric?
00:45:22Eric, help me. I'm blind.
00:45:24I can't see anything.
00:45:26Excuse me.
00:45:30Cheryl's in here.
00:45:36What's up, bro?
00:45:38What the fuck is...
00:45:40Hey, wait!
00:45:42Lex, babe.
00:45:44Still waiting.
00:45:50Oh, I'm sorry.
00:45:52I can't see. I'm blind.
00:45:54Damn it.
00:45:58Hey, you.
00:46:00You better stop making fun...
00:46:02I'm gonna say something to that bitch.
00:46:04Hey, you.
00:46:06You better stop making fun of the blind,
00:46:08or I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
00:46:10Ow!
00:46:12I'm so sorry.
00:46:14I'll never make fun of the blind again.
00:46:16Ah!
00:46:24Ah!
00:46:42Ah!
00:46:48Ah!
00:46:50Oh, man.
00:46:52I'm gonna lose.
00:46:54This party's ass.
00:46:58Yeah!
00:47:02This just isn't working.
00:47:04Nothing.
00:47:06What's the big deal about these vibrators anyway?
00:47:10Lock your character, Amanda.
00:47:12Lock sticks.
00:47:14Spark it up.
00:47:16Yes!
00:47:18Oh, man!
00:47:20Where are the controllers?
00:47:22Here, here, here.
00:47:26Whoa!
00:47:28What is this?
00:47:30Oh, my God.
00:47:32Oh, man.
00:47:34Get that thing away.
00:47:36Get that thing away.
00:47:42Ah.
00:47:44Hey, dude.
00:47:46Nice shot.
00:47:48Come with me.
00:47:52Whoa, whoa.
00:47:54Nice.
00:47:56Are you sitting on me or something?
00:47:58Hey, you found the grenade launcher.
00:48:00Nice, nice.
00:48:12Do you have the extra controller?
00:48:18Hey.
00:48:24Whoa!
00:48:26You are the controller.
00:48:28No, I just...
00:48:30I didn't.
00:48:32I swear, I...
00:48:44Hey, it's Sue.
00:48:46Where are you going, man?
00:48:48It's okay.
00:48:50Hey, Sue.
00:49:00Hey.
00:49:02Didn't you hear me calling you?
00:49:04Yeah, I just needed to...
00:49:06Oh, sure.
00:49:08Listen, Sue.
00:49:10I was rethinking
00:49:12what I said earlier.
00:49:14Sure?
00:49:16You mean...
00:49:18Yeah.
00:49:20So you think we should
00:49:22give it a try?
00:49:24Could we...
00:49:28Wow.
00:49:30Your toilet's...
00:49:32Go get a drink?
00:49:34Wow.
00:49:36Your toilet's really...
00:49:38Use...
00:49:40Use...
00:49:42You know what? I gotta go.
00:49:44Happy birthday.
00:49:46No, there wasn't. I didn't...
00:49:48God, never mind.
00:50:00This was the worst idea ever.
00:50:02This was the worst idea ever.
00:50:04Never going to have sex.
00:50:06Sex.
00:50:08Ow.
00:50:10Sex.
00:50:12Ow.
00:50:40Oh, yeah.
00:50:42Sorry.
00:50:54Hello?
00:50:56A little attention here.
00:51:04Lex.
00:51:06Oh, yeah.
00:51:08Oh, yeah.
00:51:10Sorry.
00:51:16Lex.
00:51:22I'll be selfish.
00:51:24Oh, right. Sorry.
00:51:26I'll be selfish.
00:51:28Oh, right. Sorry.
00:51:38Ugh.
00:51:42Jeez.
00:51:44Who invented this stupid position, anyway?
00:51:46Too much fucking multitasking.
00:51:48Screw it.
00:52:08Fuck.
00:52:38Oh.
00:52:40Oh.
00:52:42Oh.
00:52:44Oh.
00:52:46That was bad.
00:52:48That was...
00:52:50So bad.
00:53:08Joanna.
00:53:10Do you know a guy named...
00:53:12Do you know a guy named JJ?
00:53:14I think that guy's name
00:53:16starts with a J.
00:53:20Hey.
00:53:22Does your name start with a J?
00:53:24Yes, it does.
00:53:26So you're JJ?
00:53:28Uh-uh.
00:53:38Okay.
00:53:52Welcome to 1-900 Confess.
00:53:54Would you like...
00:53:56Hello.
00:53:58Welcome to 1-900 Confess.
00:54:00Would you like a priest or a nun today?
00:54:02A nun.
00:54:04Please punch in your credit card number.
00:54:08Please hold.
00:54:10Thank goodness.
00:54:141-900 Confession.
00:54:16How may I be of service?
00:54:18Confession.
00:54:20How may I be of service?
00:54:22It's been one day since my last confession.
00:54:24I accuse myself...
00:54:28Ow!
00:54:30...of the following sins.
00:54:32One day.
00:54:34Ow!
00:54:38Ow!
00:54:40Ow!
00:54:42Is that too long?
00:54:44I would've come this morning, but it's my 18th birthday.
00:54:46Go on.
00:54:48Okay, well, I've been touching myself
00:54:50inappropriately.
00:54:52Well, actually, I didn't...
00:54:54What's her problem?
00:54:56A washing machine touched her.
00:55:02Freak, time's up.
00:55:04What? But what do I do?
00:55:06You know, I sat on a washing machine and, well...
00:55:08All right, freak, time's up.
00:55:10What? But what do I do?
00:55:12Just unplug the thing.
00:55:14No, but I think I might've had an...
00:55:16orgasm.
00:55:18Well, then be happy.
00:55:20You found the perfect man.
00:55:22I'm serious.
00:55:24You know, I sat on a washing machine and, well...
00:55:26All right, freak, time's up.
00:55:28What? But what do I do?
00:55:30Just unplug the thing.
00:55:32No, but I think I might've had an...
00:55:34orgasm.
00:55:36Well, then be happy.
00:55:38You found the perfect man.
00:55:40I'm serious.
00:55:42Look, honey, you seem like a nice young lady, so...
00:55:44I'll tell you this.
00:55:46Masturbation isn't a sin.
00:55:48No contritions?
00:55:50You broke no covenant with God.
00:55:52It's not in the Bible.
00:55:54So the washing machine
00:55:56could touch me anytime?
00:55:58Like morning, afternoon, night?
00:56:00Yes, and other things
00:56:02can touch you.
00:56:04Accidental masturbation is not a sin.
00:56:06Neither is intentional masturbation.
00:56:08Huh.
00:56:10God's pretty cool that way.
00:56:12He sure is. Now run along.
00:56:16Wow.
00:56:18How do you know all that?
00:56:20Because I'm a nun.
00:56:22Now eat my pussy, bitch.
00:56:24Huh.
00:56:32Huh.
00:56:34Accidental masturbation.
00:56:36Who would've thunk?
00:56:54Revenge sex.
00:56:56What a stupid fucking idea.
00:56:58Revenge sex.
00:57:00What a stupid fucking idea.
00:57:02God, I'm getting out of here.
00:57:22Fucking douchebag.
00:57:24Damn it.
00:57:26Now I have to get laid
00:57:28if it's the last thing I do.
00:57:30You go, girl.
00:57:32What?
00:57:34What are you doing here?
00:57:36We needed someplace private.
00:57:38But hey, listen.
00:57:40If you're serious about getting laid...
00:57:42Yeah?
00:57:44If you want someone great,
00:57:46I mean, really, the best ever.
00:57:48No offense.
00:57:50Frank, the blind guy?
00:57:52Really?
00:57:54Amazing.
00:57:56I had food sex with him a few weeks ago.
00:57:58It was like nothing I've ever experienced before.
00:58:00It was like we used all our senses.
00:58:02Everything.
00:58:06If you're interested,
00:58:08I'll set it up.
00:58:16All right.
00:58:18What about him?
00:58:20Jeremy.
00:58:22Oh, yeah, I know Jeremy.
00:58:24I think I fooled around with him once.
00:58:26I don't know his last name, though.
00:58:28It's Jones.
00:58:30Jeremy Jones.
00:58:32This all makes sense.
00:58:34Excuse me.
00:58:36Jeremy.
00:58:38Hi.
00:58:40Hey.
00:58:42Who was on the phone?
00:58:44Oh, that's my new girlfriend.
00:58:46I'll be here in like an hour.
00:58:48Wait, you have a girlfriend?
00:59:02Oh.
00:59:04Hi, Frank.
00:59:06Sit.
00:59:08Oh, you meant...
00:59:10You meant the dog.
00:59:12Relax.
00:59:14Relax.
00:59:16You need to relax and calm down.
00:59:26Oh, I'm...
00:59:32Oh, I'm...
00:59:34I'm relaxed. I'm fine.
00:59:36Why are you biting your nail?
00:59:38I'm not.
00:59:41How did you know that?
00:59:45Corner.
00:59:49Sit.
00:59:51Roll over.
00:59:55Oh, you mean me.
00:59:58Roll over.
01:00:04Oh, you mean me.
01:00:07Roll over.
01:00:11Oh, you mean me.
01:00:13Oh, how do you...
01:00:15How do you want me to...
01:00:17Just lie down.
01:00:29I shouldn't even be doing this, but...
01:00:33Considering it a teachable moment.
01:00:35Okay.
01:00:38Oh.
01:00:42See me with your hands.
01:00:47All right.
01:00:55You know, I should really...
01:00:57I have a boyfriend, and I shouldn't be doing this.
01:00:59Really.
01:01:07Okay.
01:01:13Mmm, peanut butter.
01:01:33Oh, Frank.
01:01:35Oh.
01:01:39Oh, Frank.
01:02:06Yo, man.
01:02:07Yo, give me a chip.
01:02:09My...
01:02:12Yo, man.
01:02:13Yo, give me a chip.
01:02:15My chips, homeboy.
01:02:16Yo, give me a chip, man.
01:02:17My chips.
01:02:18Yo.
01:02:19My chips.
01:02:20Yo, give me a chip.
01:02:22My chips.
01:02:24Guys, why are you making such a mess?
01:02:26Sorry.
01:02:29Okay.
01:02:35It's just a case of accidental masturbation.
01:02:37That's all.
01:02:42Come on, let me do this.
01:02:43Go ahead.
01:02:44I got it.
01:02:45I got it.
01:02:46No, really, please.
01:02:47I want to help.
01:02:48Please.
01:02:50Okay, everybody out.
01:02:52Leave.
01:02:53I have to vacuum.
01:02:59Okay.
01:03:06You're not even getting the chips.
01:03:08They're over here.
01:03:10I just...
01:03:11I see some dust over here, so...
01:03:15It's just...
01:03:16There's so much dust on this floor.
01:03:19It's just a dirty floor.
01:03:21Such a dirty, dirty floor.
01:03:29Oh, God.
01:03:42Okay.
01:03:44All right.
01:03:46I think I got all that.
01:03:48I'm just gonna...
01:03:49I'll see you.
01:03:51Okay.
01:04:00Frankie.
01:04:02Oh, my...
01:04:03What was that?
01:04:04What?
01:04:05Ah, fucking shit.
01:04:07Man, we got a smoky, smoky heat.
01:04:11Stop.
01:04:12Frank, stop teasing Frank.
01:04:14Oh, shit.
01:04:16I'm sorry, man.
01:04:17We're just looking for a place to finish this roach.
01:04:19Oh, I heard something.
01:04:20Do you want to join us?
01:04:21Uh, no.
01:04:22Come on.
01:04:23You gotta do it.
01:04:24Come on.
01:04:25Seriously, guys.
01:04:26Where's your dog, man?
01:04:27Dude, what's it like being blinded?
01:04:28It's trippy.
01:04:32Frank?
01:04:34Frank, are we gonna do something soon?
01:04:38Bro, you are too funny.
01:04:42Thanks, man.
01:04:44Oh, this is some good stuff.
01:04:45I haven't smoked since junior high.
01:04:47Dude, I ain't stopped smoking since junior high.
01:04:50Wait, wait, wait.
01:04:51I feel like I was supposed to be doing something.
01:04:55Damn, I really can't remember.
01:04:56This is some good shit.
01:05:16Oh, no.
01:05:17You're the devil.
01:05:18No more.
01:05:22J.J.
01:05:23Jeremy.
01:05:24You have to remember that amazing time we had together,
01:05:26don't you?
01:05:28Please.
01:05:29Lex, I can't.
01:05:32I mean, I got a girlfriend.
01:05:33I really like this girl.
01:05:35Fine.
01:05:36It's just so sad because I'm wearing this
01:05:39copeless bra,
01:05:41and I also have on crotchless panties
01:05:45with just a little string of pearl in front
01:05:47for extra stimulation.
01:05:50Oh.
01:05:55We've got like 30 minutes before she gets here.
01:05:57Perfect.
01:06:02Before she gets here.
01:06:03Perfect.
01:06:14Let's do it.
01:06:15Let's do it.
01:06:16Fuck me.
01:06:17Fuck me now.
01:06:22What?
01:06:23What's wrong?
01:06:24I can't.
01:06:25I can't get it in.
01:06:27Try down there.
01:06:28It's like desert down there.
01:06:30It's sandpaper.
01:06:32Okay, I get the picture.
01:06:34Just try it again.
01:06:37No.
01:06:38Why is this happening?
01:06:40We fooled around before.
01:06:42I was dripping wet.
01:06:43We did it three times, remember?
01:06:45Just do what you did then.
01:06:46Come on.
01:06:47I already did my thing.
01:06:48I already tried.
01:06:51What?
01:06:52What is different this time?
01:06:54I don't know.
01:06:55Last time...
01:06:59I honestly don't even know what you're talking about.
01:07:01What?
01:07:03You're not JJ?
01:07:05But your name is Jeremy Jones.
01:07:07How can you not be JJ?
01:07:09Who the hell is this JJ?
01:07:12We're going.
01:07:13We're not done here.
01:07:14I can still do this.
01:07:15I just need a little bit more.
01:07:16I can do this.
01:07:18I don't need JJ.
01:07:19I don't need anyone else.
01:07:20We can do this.
01:07:23Go team.
01:07:27What?
01:07:28Just keep going.
01:07:34Shit.
01:07:43Excuse me.
01:07:44Where's Jeremy?
01:07:45What?
01:07:47We were just, you know...
01:07:50Hey babe.
01:07:51Just working out.
01:07:56How could you, you bastard?
01:08:01You might want to...
01:08:02What?
01:08:04What?
01:08:07Ah!
01:08:08Mariella!
01:08:10Mariella!
01:08:11You know those aren't mine.
01:08:13At least not all of them.
01:08:16What is wrong with you?
01:08:21What is wrong with you?
01:08:24You used to be so pure.
01:08:26Well, no more.
01:08:27That's it.
01:08:28Really, that's the last one.
01:08:42Shhh.
01:09:02Cheryl?
01:09:07What is it?
01:09:08What are you doing down here?
01:09:10Waiting for everyone to leave so I can sneak out and get far, far away from here.
01:09:14What?
01:09:15Why?
01:09:16Nothing.
01:09:17Just this blind guy and his dog and...
01:09:20Oh, honey.
01:09:21It's going to be okay.
01:09:23No, it's not okay.
01:09:26God.
01:09:27And you know whose fault it is?
01:09:28I'm sorry.
01:09:29It's Jake's.
01:09:30Jake's fault.
01:09:32That blind cheating bastard.
01:09:34Yes.
01:09:35He is such a dickwad.
01:09:36You need to confront him.
01:09:38Yeah.
01:09:39Yeah, I need to confront him.
01:09:41I mean, it's my birthday and where is he anyway?
01:09:44Like, why isn't he hanging out with me?
01:09:46You know, you just call him here and give him a big piece of your mind.
01:09:49Yeah, a big piece.
01:09:50A big old chunk of my mind.
01:09:52A big piece of it.
01:09:53Yeah.
01:09:55You know, you might want to...
01:09:57You need to look hot while you break up with him.
01:09:59Yeah, you're right.
01:10:01Why am I wearing a sheet?
01:10:03I don't know.
01:10:09I'm sorry.
01:10:10I'm sorry.
01:10:12I get shy around beautiful women like you.
01:10:17I got no game.
01:10:24It's not important.
01:10:37Hey, um...
01:10:38Eric, I can't talk right now.
01:10:39No, no, no.
01:10:40I really need to talk to you.
01:10:42Really, Eric.
01:10:43I can't right now.
01:10:44No, no, no.
01:10:45I just wanted to say I'm sorry about earlier.
01:10:47And I'm just embarrassed and I don't want to make it up to you.
01:10:51Eric, really?
01:10:52I don't care.
01:10:53It's fine.
01:10:54No, but I do.
01:10:55I mean, I do.
01:10:56I care.
01:10:58I haven't known how to tell you.
01:11:00Maybe because, I don't know, I'm a little shy.
01:11:03But I was wondering, or hoping, that we could go out sometime.
01:11:09Sometime.
01:11:10Soon.
01:11:11Because I'm going to be leaving for a little while and it would be nice to go out before...
01:11:15Really?
01:11:16Eric, you're shy.
01:11:17You have no game.
01:11:19No, not really.
01:11:22Yeah, no, I can't do this.
01:11:23Sorry.
01:11:28Okay.
01:11:29Alright.
01:11:30I, uh...
01:11:33Happy birthday, then.
01:11:44I'm sorry.
01:11:45I was trying to kiss your...
01:11:55Wow.
01:12:04Here I come, baby.
01:12:06Get ready for your big birthday surprise.
01:12:11Oh.
01:12:12Eric, stop.
01:12:13We can't do this.
01:12:14Oh, God, baby.
01:12:15Not again.
01:12:16Oh, no.
01:12:17Honey, happy...
01:12:20The fuck is this?
01:12:21Who the hell are you, dude?
01:12:23Okay.
01:12:24Guys, don't.
01:12:28Cheryl.
01:12:29Baby.
01:12:30What is this?
01:12:31Oh, gee, Cheryl.
01:12:32You're...
01:12:33I've been looking for you all night and you've been...
01:12:34Oh, man.
01:12:35No wonder I couldn't find you.
01:12:36You couldn't find me?
01:12:37What about all those girls' vaginas you were in or your penis getting sucked?
01:12:38Cheryl, honey.
01:12:39No.
01:12:40No.
01:12:41We can work this out.
01:12:42Baby, I love you.
01:12:43Jake, no.
01:12:44You have to go.
01:12:45Baby, I'll be faithful from now on.
01:12:46Please.
01:12:47I promise.
01:12:48No, Jake.
01:12:49I can't do this.
01:12:50I'm sorry.
01:12:51Cheryl, come on.
01:12:52No.
01:12:53No.
01:12:54No.
01:12:55No.
01:12:56No.
01:12:57No.
01:12:58No.
01:12:59No.
01:13:00Cheryl, come on.
01:13:01No.
01:13:02Jake, please.
01:13:03Just go.
01:13:04Just go.
01:13:05I'm sorry.
01:13:06You're a heartless bitch!
01:13:07How could you do...
01:13:08Yay!
01:13:09You did it.
01:13:10I'm so proud of you.
01:13:11You got your revenge sex.
01:13:12You've left him a mere shell of a man.
01:13:14Revenge sex?
01:13:17It's really not what it sounds like at all.
01:13:20Right.
01:13:22It all makes sense now.
01:13:24Wow.
01:13:25I feel really stupid.
01:13:27Eric, I'm really...
01:13:28I'm really sorry.
01:13:30Cheryl, I really liked you.
01:13:33And you used me.
01:13:35Eric, please don't go.
01:13:36Please, Eric!
01:13:39Aren't you happy?
01:13:42Well, no, that's not exactly how it's supposed to feel like.
01:13:45Any mistakes?
01:13:46Was it...
01:13:47Yeah.
01:13:48No, he didn't quite do it.
01:13:49Oh.
01:13:50You know, I couldn't seem to do it either.
01:13:52Really?
01:13:53I just never found the right guy.
01:13:54Or guys.
01:13:57Anyway, we better get downstairs.
01:13:58People are starting to leave.
01:14:00I wonder how Sue did.
01:14:12I can't believe she dumped me, man.
01:14:14This is bullshit!
01:14:19You suck it!
01:14:22God, I'm out of here!
01:14:23Yeah!
01:14:25He has good hair, though.
01:14:30Don't you puke on me.
01:14:32And don't puke on my car, either.
01:14:46Oh, Sue, are you all right?
01:14:49Was it from sex?
01:14:50Did you pop your cork?
01:14:51I don't think so.
01:14:53Not with a guy, anyway.
01:14:55Oh, don't ask.
01:14:56Every possible object.
01:14:58It's like every mechanical thing.
01:15:00It was like Transformers.
01:15:02They just all became vibrators.
01:15:04I told you.
01:15:06It's addicting.
01:15:08So, what about Chris?
01:15:10The last time I saw him, he was running away for dear life.
01:15:12I told you he was gay.
01:15:14Well, I think I'm just all cramp.
01:15:19I think it's broken.
01:15:21So, wait.
01:15:23None of us cashed an RV card.
01:15:26Oh, Joanna, you're so sweet.
01:15:29So, I was going to go grab some food.
01:15:31Want to go?
01:15:32No, thank you.
01:15:34I think I should finish up here.
01:15:36Did you ever find that guy you were looking for?
01:15:38No.
01:15:40I don't know.
01:15:41For some reason, I just realized he needs to be my first.
01:15:45Or something.
01:15:47Why? Do you know him?
01:15:49Sort of.
01:15:50Oh.
01:15:51Well, hey, if you happen to run into him, just...
01:15:53Tell him I'd like to see him again.
01:16:01Love him?
01:16:02Shut it.
01:16:03You want to deal with him?
01:16:04I don't want to hear it from you.
01:16:05You want to get married?
01:16:06You want to deal with him?
01:16:07Zip it.
01:16:08All right, all right, all right.
01:16:24No.
01:16:25No way.
01:16:37Oh, well.
01:16:38I guess I'll see you later.
01:16:39Bye.
01:16:40Bye.
01:16:41Bye.
01:16:42Bye.
01:16:43Bye.
01:16:44Bye.
01:16:45Bye.
01:16:46Bye.
01:16:47Bye.
01:16:48Bye.
01:16:49Bye.
01:16:50Bye.
01:16:51Bye.
01:16:52Oh, well.
01:16:53There's always next year.
01:17:15It's you.
01:17:17I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:17:22I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:17:29Joanna.
01:17:30Joanna.
01:17:53I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:17:54I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:17:55I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:17:56I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:17:57I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:17:58I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:17:59I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:18:00I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:18:01I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:18:02I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:18:03I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:18:04I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:18:05I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:18:06I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:18:07I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:18:08I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:18:09I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:18:10I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:18:11I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:18:12I've been waiting for you, JJ.
01:18:14I've been waiting for you.
01:18:35Wow.
01:18:36That's amazing.
01:18:37Yeah, I didn't know I had it in me.
01:18:42I guess something inspired me.
01:18:45He really captured his expression and his eyes.
01:18:48Yeah, even that little cowlick he has in his hair.
01:18:53Whose?
01:18:54Eric's. It's him, right?
01:18:59Oh.
01:19:01Yeah.
01:19:03I have to go see him.
01:19:08Well, I think you know what we should do.
01:19:13Hmm.
01:19:211-900-CONFESS.
01:19:24Sister Therese?
01:19:26Yeah, hun? Um, there was a problem with your credit card.
01:19:29I just need the last three numbers in the back.
01:19:32Oh, sure.
01:19:34It's 2-7-1.
01:19:36Um, sister, I know this isn't a confession, but
01:19:39can I ask your opinion on something?
01:19:41Do you think if you do something bad that
01:19:43God will forgive you?
01:19:45Like, take you back?
01:19:47Sure, hun. Why not?
01:19:49As long as you're on the right path.
01:19:52Well, how do you know if you're on that path?
01:19:54I always look for some kind of sign from the universe.
01:19:58Something to let me know that it's all gonna be okay.
01:20:02Sister?
01:20:04Can I get up now?
01:20:06I really gotta pee.
01:20:07No! Hush, you're trapped!
01:20:11Okay, honey, I really need to get back to work,
01:20:13but call back any time.
01:20:15I will.
01:20:16Thanks.
01:20:20Sister?
01:20:21Shut up or I'll punish you hard, you sheep fucker!
01:20:24Moooo!
01:20:26♪♪♪
01:20:28♪♪♪
01:20:30♪♪♪
01:20:32♪♪♪
01:20:34♪♪♪
01:20:36♪♪♪
01:20:38♪♪♪
01:20:40Eric, wait!
01:20:42♪♪♪
01:20:44♪♪♪
01:20:46Um, look, I am so sorry.
01:20:50Cheryl?
01:20:52Eric, um, look, I am so sorry about everything.
01:20:57I was trying to have revenge sex with you at the beginning,
01:21:00but then at the end, I didn't want to do that with you.
01:21:06The revenge part, not the sex part.
01:21:09Um, and I wasn't.
01:21:12I just didn't want to do that with you.
01:21:15The revenge part, not the sex part.
01:21:18Um, I-I do want to go out with you.
01:21:23And I didn't realize that until this morning.
01:21:26I mean, you're a completely different guy than Jake is,
01:21:29and he's all over these...
01:21:30Eric!
01:21:32Come on, we got to get going.
01:21:34Oh, wow.
01:21:36Um, Cheryl, uh, this is my sister Tina.
01:21:39Tina, Cheryl.
01:21:41Hi, nice to meet you.
01:21:45Uh, so, um, do you mind if I call you in a few days?
01:21:50Want to get back?
01:21:52Yeah, sure.
01:21:58Oh.
01:22:00Sorry, no kissing, right?
01:22:02No kissing.
01:22:03Oh.
01:22:05Mm.
01:22:19Hey, did you ever, uh, get those flowers I sent you?
01:22:24I-I don't even care that you hooked up with Plexi.
01:22:27Wait, what? I never did that.
01:22:30I mean, you don't have to lie about it.
01:22:32You told me all about your pierced tongue.
01:22:38She must have me mixed up with someone else.
01:22:41I wonder who it was.
01:23:02At least this birthday's over.
01:23:16Dear Lord, please forgive me.
01:23:20I mean, if you could just, I don't know, like, send me a sign?
01:23:32Okay.
01:23:54Excuse me, excuse me.
01:23:56Uh, do you know where the church is?
01:23:58It's on Fountain Street.
01:24:00Um, yeah, that's the church I go to.
01:24:02Or used to go to.
01:24:04Um, it's straight up that way and then left.
01:24:09But you're more than welcome to come with me if you like.
01:24:12Oh, um, I don't know.
01:24:21Well, that's pretty powerful.
01:24:24Oh, 250 horsepower, 225 pounds of torque.
01:24:29Like I said, you're more than welcome to torque.
01:24:32Like I said, you're more than welcome to hop on.
01:24:36I don't think so, but thanks.
01:24:39What's your name?
01:24:40Sue. What's yours?
01:24:42Jesus.
01:24:44Really?
01:24:45Si.
01:24:48Maybe I could use a ride.
01:25:00Oh.
01:25:05Ah!
01:25:29¶¶