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00:00:30In the beginning, there was man and there was woman.
00:00:43From that moment on, things have been...tricky.
00:00:46Going back to Adam and Eve, temptation has always been a third party participant in human
00:00:52life.
00:00:53From the time that cavemen wrote on walls, a struggle has ensued.
00:00:57Gone down through time, the tinge of desire has pumped through the veins of history.
00:01:01In Asia, the Egyptians, the Greeks, the Romans.
00:01:05In 1748, temptation and sexuality hit a whole new level in England with the publication
00:01:10of Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, a book better known as Fanny Hill.
00:01:15Fast forward to 1896 when Fatima did her belly dance, and we see sex now coming out of the
00:01:21shadows and into the cinematic mainstream.
00:01:24In the 1960s, I Am Curious hit the silver screen in Sweden, and Pandora was given a
00:01:30pretty little box to open.
00:01:33Pornographic film erupted in the 1970s, and an IV of sexual material was injected directly
00:01:39into the main vein of humanity.
00:01:41As the appetite for sex and pornography rumbled in the stomach of society, along came an all-you-can-eat
00:01:47buffet of porn, the World Wide Web.
00:01:51Because of that, we are now a planet of technologically dependent beings, with our personal power
00:01:56cords plugged directly into anything and everything, and the current running through our cables
00:02:02is high voltage.
00:02:21We are wired sexual beings.
00:02:27Sexuality is a fundamental part of our basic human drives.
00:02:32We're hardwired for sexuality.
00:02:35It's a part of our structure, cellular and DNA, is to be sexual and to have sex, and
00:02:40anything that activates the sexual part of us is already hitting something innate with
00:02:43us.
00:02:44It releases all these chemicals in our body that make us feel good.
00:02:47Why?
00:02:48Because that's the way we're made.
00:02:49The sex is supposed to make you feel good, so you have more sex.
00:02:51That's the way it works.
00:02:53That's human.
00:02:54That's normal.
00:02:55That's healthy.
00:02:56We have an almond-sized area in the center of our brain, the nucleus accumbens.
00:03:01It's the I want it part of our brain.
00:03:04It focuses on what we want, and it's important because it allows us to survive.
00:03:11By focusing on food and on reproduction, for instance, we survive as a species, as an individual.
00:03:18The chemical dopamine is produced in an area called the midbrain, and there are wires that
00:03:24take this dopamine, this chemical, all the way to the nucleus accumbens, to a different
00:03:29part of the brain.
00:03:31It really powers the brain with desire.
00:03:34The midbrain dopamine factory does.
00:03:37We call it the ventral tegmental area.
00:03:40The neurochemicals that exist in the brain during sex are the neurochemicals that are
00:03:44supposed to be there.
00:03:46Whether you're masturbating to pornography or having sex with the wife that you've been
00:03:49married to for 30 years, ain't no difference.
00:03:51A fascinating study has shown actual growth in parts of the brain that are used more,
00:03:56and atrophy in areas that are used less.
00:03:59It was first noticed in a study of violin players, and further explored with brain scans
00:04:04of medical students, both before and after an intense three-month period of studying
00:04:09for exams.
00:04:11Not only did the brain grow and shrink, but new neurological pathways were formed as well.
00:04:16In short, the brain is actually reshaped.
00:04:19That physical change that we've scanned with violin players and medical students, that
00:04:24is a microscopic change that happens in that we form literally new brain connections between
00:04:31brain cells when we learn something new, particularly for powerful reward learning, something as
00:04:36powerful as pornography.
00:04:38Here's a different analogy.
00:04:40Imagine your brain is a dense forest.
00:04:42As your brain continues to create new neurological pathways through reward learning, as Hilton
00:04:48states, it's as if we're wearing a new pathway in the forest by walking it again and again.
00:04:54Over time, almost all thoughts can begin to take that same pathway.
00:04:59The trail can be forged by a number of things, including sex and pornography.
00:05:05Obviously, you drink alcohol, you snort cocaine, you inject heroin.
00:05:10So these are physical agents that you take into your body.
00:05:15What do they do to you?
00:05:16What is the common mechanism that these agents that are coming into your body do?
00:05:20Well, they turn on your reward system in your brain.
00:05:23That's the common mechanism.
00:05:24We see that not only with drugs, but we see that with pornography, with sexual addictions.
00:05:28We're not designed for alcohol, for meth, for crystal, for all these other drugs.
00:05:32Our bodies will respond to them pretty quickly, but not as fast as we will to something that's
00:05:37arousing sexually.
00:05:38That is the ultimate high, and it's innate and natural to us.
00:05:41And so we're going to very commonly seek something of a sexual nature to medicate feelings of
00:05:47shame and pain and guilt and remorse and sorrow and fear and loneliness.
00:05:51And pornography is the perfect solution for that if I'm looking for something sexual because
00:05:55it's something I can do by myself.
00:05:57It's pretty darn cheap or free, and it's relatively consequence-free, at least in my mind, because
00:06:02I don't perceive, in the moment, an immediate consequence to it.
00:06:22Perhaps the trickiest part of taking on a subject like pornography is the most simple part,
00:06:27defining it.
00:06:28Entrapping the true meaning of porn into a simplified group of words is nearly impossible,
00:06:34which is one of the reasons it's remained such an elusive social issue for so long.
00:06:39How does one define it?
00:06:41Trying to define pornography is like trying to describe air sometimes.
00:06:45I mean, the reality is it's going to be a different sensation for a lot of different
00:06:48people.
00:06:49But at the end of the day, from a clinical perspective, when I'm working with clients,
00:06:52they're the ones that can articulate pretty well to me what pornography is.
00:06:55I'm simply just asking them what they're looking at, what they're exposing themselves to.
00:06:59What makes something pornographic versus just sexually explicit or sexually provocative
00:07:06I think is also a debate that needs to be had.
00:07:10We are learning so much about sexuality that we never knew before, and we're having our
00:07:17ideas challenged of what we think is normal and what we think is healthy by finding out
00:07:23that there are a lot of people out there who are interested in all kinds of kinky sorts of things.
00:07:30So how do you define something so broad and so subjective?
00:07:34In this case, you look for a common denominator.
00:07:37For the purpose of this documentary, that common denominator is right here, the brain.
00:07:42The spectrum of pornographic material is infinitely wide at this point, but the physiological
00:07:48and neurological responses by individuals seems to be the same, regardless of the content.
00:07:54In short, no matter what a person looks at, the mind and body seem to have a similar reaction
00:08:00across the board.
00:08:01To use a more simple analogy, Bob likes football, Jim likes baseball, and Suzanne likes golf,
00:08:07but they all like sports.
00:08:09Just like everyone's brain releases messages of pain when a person gets hurt, experts agree
00:08:14that it releases chemicals of pleasure when it is aroused, chemicals like Delta Fos-B.
00:08:20There are engines of desire, molecular engines of desire, chemical engines, that cause us
00:08:26to want.
00:08:28And when we see something that we've trained our brain to want, we turn those engines on.
00:08:34Delta Fos-B is a switch that turns on these engines of desire.
00:08:39And we know that Delta Fos-B and other signaling cascade chemicals are very important in building
00:08:44these wires, these brain wires of wanting.
00:08:48So sex looks just like those drugs.
00:08:51Pornography in and of itself is designed to just expedite a sexual experience.
00:08:55It's meant for an instantaneous hit, just like a drug, and it gets us there faster than
00:09:00we're typically designed to go.
00:09:02And so at the end of the day, pornography, in my opinion, is simply those things that
00:09:05are designed to quickly get us to a sexualized state, an erotic moment.
00:09:11And it could be, as I said, from a visual, a verbal, it could be something written, it
00:09:17could be something, anything that's designed to activate those senses, separate from an
00:09:22interaction with somebody you're actually with.
00:09:24Since we've already highlighted that sexuality has been a major component of human nature
00:09:28since the beginning of time, and considering that the U.S. is relatively young compared
00:09:34to the rest of the world, here's how other cultures view pornography and its place in
00:09:39their respective societies.
00:10:04I've always been with a lot of boys, and that's a big issue for boys, which I think is a bit
00:10:11problematic in retrospect, because boys often conjure up their own ideals and put a bit
00:10:16of pressure on themselves, which they have to be able to do in the future, I'd say.
00:10:21And I've been thinking about that for a long time, and I think that's a big issue for boys
00:10:26as well.
00:10:27And I think that's a big issue for boys as well.
00:10:30And I've been thinking about that for a long time, and I think that's a big issue for boys as
00:10:35well.
00:10:36That boys devote so much to the medium, and open up to it, but in reality, somehow...
00:10:45Well, I do think that in our society there are a lot of sexual messages and images and
00:10:52situations and advertising and a lot of things that have to do with porn from a distance.
00:11:02Well, I also live in a partnership, and pornography doesn't mean anything to us, not even
00:11:11a little bit.
00:11:14And I don't know how it is with a lot of other people.
00:11:22Well, I always wonder why you have to use this form to become intimate with a partner.
00:11:30Personally, I think we're moving towards a very sexualised culture at the moment.
00:11:41We're becoming more liberal.
00:11:43They had a very liberal movement in the 70s, and I believe we're repeating that again now.
00:11:48And as sexualism becomes more accepted, I think porn's a very normal part of the Australian
00:11:53culture.
00:11:54And I think, as a society, we're probably becoming a little bit more relaxed and able
00:11:58to talk about sexuality.
00:12:00It's definitely something that males engage in more, and I think women watch reluctantly,
00:12:06or if they have watched it, it's not something they necessarily own to, or they watch it
00:12:10as a bit of a joke.
00:12:12It certainly does fit into the Australian culture.
00:12:14I think, is it a normal thing?
00:12:17I don't think that pornography is normal, in my opinion, because it's not real.
00:12:23Especially when it comes to marketing, any kind of product in Australia, then certainly
00:12:27sex is used to represent or turn people on to buy a certain product.
00:12:34Is it a problem?
00:12:35Yeah, I think it's a big problem.
00:12:36It obviously works.
00:12:37People respond to sexualism.
00:12:39If people didn't respond, it wouldn't be so rampant.
00:12:42So I think, from a marketing perspective, as long as it's working, we're going to continue
00:12:46to use it.
00:12:47And with that in mind, I think we're probably only at the tip of the iceberg.
00:12:52I think we're seeing a phase where sexuality and over-sexualisation of kids is generally
00:12:57pushing media to explore different ways to make money.
00:13:01For example, every time you pick up a magazine with a picture of Kylie Minogue, she looks
00:13:05like she's having an orgasm.
00:13:07And the fact of the matter is that women don't look like that.
00:13:11And they shouldn't have to look like that to be thought of as being attractive or sexy.
00:13:17It displaces unrealistic expectations on individuals to view sex in a different way.
00:13:24And it also, in relationships, it makes it uncomfortable if people aren't comfortable
00:13:29with those type of things as well.
00:13:31Pornography is a big thing, I would say.
00:13:44And of course, porn clubs and sex fairs.
00:13:49I would say that it's a phenomenon.
00:13:53I think it's a bad thing.
00:13:56But in this culture, we're a bit of an opposite.
00:14:02Sex is a way in which you're not allowed to talk about it.
00:14:07But on the other hand, it's being sold and talked about a lot.
00:14:14I don't feel like anyone would have told me that.
00:14:18But I've talked to my friends about it.
00:14:21Porn is something that causes anxiety.
00:14:24Even if you watch it, somehow it makes you anxious.
00:14:30It may be a phenomenon, but it's not talked about.
00:14:36And because of that, the extent of the phenomenon is very hard to assess.
00:14:41People are very sexualized.
00:14:44Advertisements are very sexual.
00:14:47People use women to sell products that have nothing to do with sexuality.
00:15:18I don't think there are more addicted people to sex in the USA than in France.
00:15:22I think in France, we watch pornography and it's okay about that.
00:15:27But I think in the United States, you can watch it, but it's a little bit taboo.
00:15:33There is a paradox between that.
00:15:36Because the United States may be the biggest producer of pornography in the world.
00:15:42But it's very puritan at the same time.
00:15:47You can watch it, but you don't say that.
00:15:50In France, I think it's not really something you talk about.
00:15:53It's a kind of deviance.
00:15:55I don't think it's a natural thing.
00:15:57You shouldn't need it because you should find the thing you need in your partner.
00:16:03It's still a taboo, even if it's changing now.
00:16:06It changed these few years, but now we are in so much big exposure to the body,
00:16:17to whatever we sell in advertising.
00:16:23Pornography is the opposite of romance.
00:16:30To me, it's like seeing a close-up of a big dick and a vagina and a woman going like that.
00:16:37It's not romantic.
00:16:39To me, sex goes with feelings.
00:16:42I think it's a very complicated question.
00:16:46Because it's played with all the collective subconscious.
00:16:53And the way we boil society.
00:16:59So it is an ocean.
00:17:05But not everyone buys into the concept that porn abuse and porn addiction is a real issue.
00:17:11David Lay is a clinical psychologist who feels that pornography is a lesser element of greater issues.
00:17:17At first, my opinion was, well, this is just pop psychology, it's sort of harmless.
00:17:23I ended up believing, in fact, that this is pretty dangerous.
00:17:27That this is psychology and medicine playing a role in suppressing sexuality in our culture.
00:17:37The idea of porn addiction and the idea of sex addiction is a very powerful concept.
00:17:44It has stuck around for 30 years and plus for a lot of reasons.
00:17:48Porn addiction and sex addiction is a way for culture and society to label sex as dangerous.
00:17:59Something that we need to be afraid of.
00:18:01It is a way for society to exert control over people's sexual behavior.
00:18:08In a time when sexuality is changing dramatically.
00:18:15And especially when we look at cultures that are less shaming about sex and are less strangely obsessed with it.
00:18:24They don't have problems with sex addiction.
00:18:27There are cultures through history and cultures in the world today that don't treat sex in this way.
00:18:34That don't treat it as taboo.
00:18:38Perhaps due to the more Puritan principles of America's founding fathers,
00:18:42Lay says he sees the issue, the porn panic as he calls it,
00:18:46as more of a juxtaposition between our sexual desires and our social values.
00:18:51Moral panic is when the media and society buy into a certain issue,
00:18:59make it a moral and a social concern.
00:19:03It turns into a crusade.
00:19:05Masturbation is the most common form of sexuality worldwide throughout history.
00:19:09People masturbate far more than they actually have sex, intercourse.
00:19:14Why would we distinguish masturbation from other kinds of sexuality?
00:19:19What's the difference?
00:19:21I'll tell you what the difference is.
00:19:23Cultural and social values.
00:19:25Because there is the idea in our society that the right kind of sex
00:19:32is intimate, emotionally committed, loving, monogamous, heterosexual sex.
00:19:40That is a cultural value.
00:19:42It's not a medical one. It's not a scientific one.
00:19:45Lay even balks at the argument of neurochemical addiction
00:19:48and the comparison of porn to other drugs,
00:19:51claiming that pornography is a neutral element in a far bigger picture that stems from social fear.
00:19:57The idea that we are getting addicted to dopamine,
00:20:02and that's one of the common kind of neurochemicals that gets thrown out there,
00:20:06is reductionistic because, guess what?
00:20:09There are many neurochemicals that are released in our body during sex.
00:20:13Dopamine is just one of them.
00:20:16There is little difference between those neurochemicals
00:20:19and the neurochemicals that get released when we exercise.
00:20:23Why is it okay to exercise and have those neurochemicals released
00:20:28and use that as a form of stress management or coping?
00:20:31But it's not okay for sex.
00:20:34And as a result, men are afraid of it, and women are afraid of it.
00:20:38They're afraid of the effects of pornography.
00:20:42That's why people are scared to talk about it.
00:20:45And that's why there are very few people like me,
00:20:50who are professionals and scientists, who are willing to come out and say,
00:20:53wait a minute, this isn't real.
00:20:56Porn is no different than any of the other things that we might do
00:21:01that hurt other people or hurt ourselves.
00:21:04It can be good, it can be bad.
00:21:07Porn itself is neutral, just like cars.
00:21:11Used irresponsibly, cars are incredibly dangerous.
00:21:16Used irresponsibly, porn can be dangerous.
00:21:21But when we have a panicked conversation about the danger of porn,
00:21:28we ignore the fact that it's neutral.
00:21:39It really is devastating.
00:21:41When people like David Lake can try to say that it's perhaps even good
00:21:46for adolescents and college-age kids to broaden their perspectives with pornography,
00:21:52it's ludicrous.
00:21:54Is it really just pornography that's to blame,
00:21:56or can a finger be pointed at media, the Internet, and modern technology as well?
00:22:01Is pornography really just an ocean fed by millions and millions of media
00:22:06and technological tributaries that slowly trickle through society?
00:22:10We seem to be creating a moral whirlpool for ourselves
00:22:13wherein people become trapped in a cycle of shame.
00:22:17So perhaps it's time we take a look at what's potentially going on here.
00:22:24You can't show bare breasts on network TV, for example.
00:22:28So we exist in this paradoxed world where, on one hand,
00:22:32I've got it on my phone at any time, whatever I want,
00:22:36and yet at the same time what we're fed is this mixed message
00:22:41that it's taboo, that it's to be hidden.
00:22:45And so that paradox of those two dynamics,
00:22:48on the one hand it's there, on the one hand we sell it to you,
00:22:52and at the same time, this is dirty stuff, don't look at it.
00:22:57That screws with our heads.
00:23:00We don't talk openly about sex in a healthy, productive way,
00:23:03but we're more than happy to talk about an innuendo
00:23:05or blast it all over the media.
00:23:07So again, there's an imbalance there.
00:23:09It's part of the conundrum.
00:23:11We haven't figured out what we want to grow up and be yet as a society.
00:23:16We're still very adolescent in that way.
00:23:18And unfortunately, pornography, when we mess with sexuality,
00:23:24we're messing with a basic biological drive that's essential to our survival.
00:23:29And to trivialize something as powerful as sexuality, as many are,
00:23:35as some professionals are, as culturally the entertainment industry is,
00:23:41is irresponsible and even more so it's dangerous.
00:23:47The media is a very significant force.
00:23:51I talk to my clients about the importance of having a neural net around them,
00:23:59and this neural net is basically a media filter
00:24:04where they have to determine what is healthy for them, what is unhealthy.
00:24:09This is a part of what continues to build into that objectification that we have,
00:24:14where we're not seeing people as whole,
00:24:16we're seeing parts and pieces of different moments and snapshots
00:24:19and body parts and so forth.
00:24:21The world is now providing us with the very thing that it's conditioned us for,
00:24:25more and more novelty, more and more intrigue, something more and more extreme.
00:24:30The place where most of that novelty, that intrigue,
00:24:33really began to take root on a large scale in daily life
00:24:36was with the development of the Internet.
00:24:38It's no secret that trying to describe how the Internet changed humanity
00:24:42for both the better and worse could be, and maybe should be,
00:24:45a documentary in and of itself.
00:24:48What's more alarming is how the technology of today
00:24:51is advancing at a much faster pace than the Internet ever did,
00:24:55and its accessibility creates an anonymity that is both dangerous and damaging.
00:25:01Our ignorance around technology,
00:25:03our willingness to incorporate things into our lives
00:25:06without being informed and educated,
00:25:08that's the adversary.
00:25:11In the end, technology can make it possible for people to have less intimacy,
00:25:16and maybe that's also the case with pornography.
00:25:41In terms of the marriage finding out about it,
00:25:44they don't have to worry about someone who saw them in the adult bookstore
00:25:49seeing them the next day, or seeing their car in a place where it's not supposed to be.
00:25:54And so there's an anonymity, a sense that I can do this
00:25:58and still maintain the image that I have to everyone around me.
00:26:02It's certainly different for young people.
00:26:05They have a different access to it,
00:26:09via mobile phones and all the new technology,
00:26:15which I'm not familiar with.
00:26:17And as I said, I find it so exciting.
00:26:32Then we've essentially created an artificial intelligence
00:26:37for us to be intimate with,
00:26:39and we can't truly be intimate with artificial intelligence,
00:26:43hence the term artificial.
00:26:45We don't go backwards in this world when it comes to technology.
00:26:52So it's only going to become more available.
00:26:55It's only going to become more prevalent.
00:26:58So let's figure out a way to deal with that reality.
00:27:09Now that the picture starts to become more clear about the accessibility of porn in modern culture,
00:27:14it's time to zoom out and look at the new set of dangers associated with that.
00:27:19Part of the hope for this film is to illustrate the obvious progression
00:27:23that porn and its ease of access is creating.
00:27:26So far, we've learned how pornography affects the brain,
00:27:29and we know that it's now available to just about anyone old enough to hold a smartphone.
00:27:35Admit it or not, our children are potentially exposed to massive amounts of pornography
00:27:40on a daily basis by the tap of a finger.
00:27:43It's very common now to hear stories of men experiencing pornography as young as 5, 6 years old.
00:27:50We wouldn't let people learn to shoot handguns by watching Bruce Willis movies.
00:27:55And if they did, we wouldn't be surprised if somebody died.
00:27:59We shouldn't be surprised that kids are making bad choices if they're learning about sex and pornography.
00:28:04But that is on us.
00:28:07It's like you said, it's a social issue that we've got to have a conversation about.
00:28:11Before my generation, my parents were talking about finding Uncle Joe's Playboy over in the corner somewhere.
00:28:17That's not the case anymore.
00:28:20Print pornography is kind of going the way of the dodo.
00:28:24Youth aren't really interested in that.
00:28:26And what they're looking at online, they're not even really interpreting it as pornography.
00:28:31They're just looking at it as something that's like a video game or anything else that's entertaining.
00:28:35That in and of itself is a danger because they're not having an age-appropriate sexual experience
00:28:40drawn out over a natural developmental period.
00:28:43It's all crammed into a time when their brain isn't even designed to handle the normal, natural range of sexuality,
00:28:49let alone the bizarre and the extreme that the world is now offering them.
00:28:52It's interesting, most of these scenes in Anna Bridge's paper,
00:28:56which did show that up to 90% of porn scenes do show aggression towards women,
00:29:03also specified in these scenes that they all show withdrawal and ejaculation on the female's body,
00:29:09frequently in her face.
00:29:11So Bill Margo, the pornography star, interestingly said that
00:29:15I believe the most violent we can get is ejaculation to the face.
00:29:21He said we want to inundate the world with orgasms to the face.
00:29:26So all these young adolescents you're referring to are resonating with Bill Margo.
00:29:33He's their new teacher.
00:29:35What happens with this pornography exposure,
00:29:38they're getting a sense of what relationships are supposed to be like based on pornography's myth.
00:29:45And when we're looking at what pornography offers, it's talking and showing instantaneous gratification.
00:29:50There's very little, if any, foreplay.
00:29:53There's very little, if any, romance or courtship in the sense of taking a girl out on a date.
00:29:59There's very little, if any, foreplay.
00:30:01There's very little, if any, romance or courtship in the sense of taking a girl out on a date.
00:30:06And getting to know the family and getting to know each other's likes and so forth.
00:30:10We're talking about somebody knocks on the door and within 30 seconds we're completely naked and going at it.
00:30:16And so that's not the normed courtship patterns for humans.
00:30:20It never has been.
00:30:21And it's not something that sustains intimacy.
00:30:24In fact, it deprives intimacy.
00:30:27When you are a teenager you come into sexuality but you don't know anything about it because nobody talks about it.
00:30:33Nobody gives any transmission about it.
00:30:37So you are like, what do I have to do?
00:30:41Am I allowed to do it?
00:30:43Should I not do it?
00:30:45When is it the good time?
00:30:47Is it the good person?
00:30:48Am I ready to do it?
00:30:50Should kids be learning about sex from pornography?
00:30:53Fuck no.
00:30:55But if they are, why?
00:30:58They're learning about sex from pornography because we're not doing a good enough job about educating them.
00:31:04And so kids are going to the resource of pornography.
00:31:08Pornography was never intended to be educational.
00:31:11What you get out of the education here in this country is ridiculous.
00:31:14As a young tucker I hadn't looked at pornography.
00:31:16I don't think I would have known what I was doing to be honest.
00:31:25It's more about how people want to talk about things.
00:31:30Many teachers don't want to talk about anything.
00:31:33Not even about the possibility.
00:31:35So it's bad for them that they have to.
00:31:54It's how to have sex.
00:31:55How to make love.
00:31:57This is the first wave of digital citizens.
00:32:01This is the first wave of kids for whom a world without the internet sounds like a world without cars.
00:32:12So to teach them how to be good digital citizens with respect to all their behavior,
00:32:21but specifically with respect to their sexual behavior.
00:32:24So what is the state of sexual education in public schools in the U.S.?
00:32:28Or the state of education on pornography for that matter?
00:32:32According to findings by the National Conference of State Legislatures, it's alarming.
00:32:37Only 22 states have mandates requiring public schools to teach sex education.
00:32:4319 states require that if sex education is provided,
00:32:48medically, factually, or technically accurate, citing a long list of cold clinical criteria.
00:32:54Three states require parental consent before a child can receive sex education,
00:32:59and 35 states allow parents to opt out on behalf of their children.
00:33:04In researching this, it not only seems that sex education is not a high priority,
00:33:09it's a subject matter that both educators and parents are still fearful of approaching.
00:33:14It's as real as any other issue that students go on to face in their adult lives,
00:33:19yet you see no opt-out for math or science classes.
00:33:22Ironically, listed among the same statistics are the facts that 47% of high school students say they've already had sex,
00:33:291 in 4 girls will become pregnant by their 20th birthday,
00:33:33and teen childbearing costs American taxpayers roughly $9.4 billion annually.
00:33:39So it seems fair to say that considering what has been learned thus far,
00:33:43there's a great need to get parents and educators on the same page
00:33:47in understanding the importance of sexual education, including that of pornography.
00:33:52By and large, the kids know more than the adults at this point.
00:33:55So the adults, we can really learn a lot from them if we start opening a dialogue,
00:33:59because they're going to educate us to what's really happening to them,
00:34:02what they're really being exposed to,
00:34:04and then we can give them at least a paternal or maternal or a mentor's perspective
00:34:10around what that might do for them, positive and negative.
00:34:14And thus, you see the linear nature of the issue.
00:34:17With technology offering high exposure to porn and a limited amount of education in public schools,
00:34:22young people then take the issue into their college years.
00:34:26Here are some students from Arizona State University.
00:34:29No, it's everyone's normal part of life, literally every single person.
00:34:33I don't know anyone who doesn't watch it at all.
00:34:36I know a lot of guys do it, and even girls too, but I feel like guys do it more than girls.
00:34:41The norm with guys my age is probably just hooking up at random parties with people who don't care about you.
00:34:49It has nothing to do with love or being intimate with each other or actually caring about each other.
00:34:54It's just about the act.
00:34:55So I guess people portray what they see, what they grow up with,
00:34:59and again, watching television and just seeing the ratio of love versus violence.
00:35:05It influences little kids or teenagers or young people.
00:35:08Oh, girls aren't worth this much.
00:35:11They're only worth, I'm going to hit it for a one night stand and then leave.
00:35:16And I'll just meet another girl.
00:35:18Girls take it more seriously than guys because girls get more attached to a man after intercourse
00:35:23while a guy can just hit it and quit it and it's good and done.
00:35:27So maybe women turn to that because it's just an easier route and they don't feel disrespect.
00:35:33Historically and traditionally it is an emotional bond, but what we're seeing is that's also shifting.
00:35:39You're seeing women more and more becoming more carnal, if you want to say,
00:35:43or there's a physical appetite there that they're looking to feed.
00:35:47I don't know if it's an increase in women actually being affected by it
00:35:50or the fact that more and more of them are willing to come in and get treatment.
00:35:54Pornography Addicts
00:36:01Most people, even in current day culture, would find it hard to believe that the words woman and porn addict
00:36:07could belong in the same sentence.
00:36:09The fact of the matter is that research now shows that an estimated one out of every three pornography addicts is a woman.
00:36:16And we're not talking about emotional pornography that you might find in a sappy romance novel,
00:36:21but full-on hardcore porn.
00:36:24So the first time I remember pulling it up and seeing some clips, it was just this overwhelming rush.
00:36:30I mean, it was a rush that I had never felt before.
00:36:34It was like I'm in a world right now that this is really scary and I should not be here, but I can't step out of it.
00:36:42I'll just never forget it. It was like a cold rush, almost like ice going through my veins.
00:36:46This woman, who we'll call Jane, was very open about her attachment to pornography
00:36:51and the deep, dark, cold waters of addiction that she fell into from the very first time she saw it.
00:36:57The minute I woke up, I had a laptop and it was the first thing I did before I got out of bed
00:37:03and the last thing before I went to sleep.
00:37:05It got to the point of sometimes six times a day.
00:37:09And then there would be days that it would just be playing over and over in my mind.
00:37:14And at work, I just couldn't focus on work until I just took care of things, you know, to get it out of my mind.
00:37:20And it just took over. It took over my mind.
00:37:24And just my thought processes, it altered me.
00:37:30It's just taken away some innocence from me that I can't get back.
00:37:35And even now, I'll find myself slipping into some behaviors in the bedroom that I know where they're coming from.
00:37:42It wasn't just satisfying enough to watch a male and a female anymore
00:37:47that my level of addiction had gotten to a place where I needed to watch darker things.
00:37:53And that's really what started to scare me, because it wasn't just, you know, watching the porn.
00:37:59It was watching things that were darker and darker.
00:38:02For Jane, as that addiction got darker and darker, as she says, it also cost her several relationships.
00:38:09Therein lies a sample of the trend that is growing more and more among society.
00:38:14As people become increasingly attached to the bonds formed through pornography,
00:38:18they become equally detached from the authenticity of a real connection with another human being.
00:38:24That, in turn, gets brought into future relationships, typically with bad results.
00:38:30The most powerful bonding experience that we have physiologically is the bonding of the sexual relationship.
00:38:35And so where a person has bonded or connected their arousal with pornography for so long,
00:38:40they can no longer become sexually aroused without the use of pornography.
00:38:44Many of the people that are looking at pornography, they'll spend most of their time looking for that ideal person.
00:38:54And once they find them, that person's no longer ideal anymore.
00:39:00There's got to be somebody else, so they continue the search.
00:39:05But mostly for them, it's about mimicking behavior.
00:39:09It's about, oh, okay, that's how I'm supposed to do it.
00:39:12That's what I look like when I'm masculine, okay?
00:39:16For women, they look at that, and the sexual behavior takes a back seat to the physical appearance of the woman
00:39:23and the pressure that that puts on them.
00:39:25Sadly, thus begins the breakdown of intimacy and the ability to connect with each other as human beings.
00:39:31The single men that I work with, it's ironic how many of them are not able to have any kind of relationship because of the pornography.
00:39:40They will never find anybody that is exactly the person that they want
00:39:47because of what they've been looking at in their pornography.
00:39:53Intimacy requires, obviously, that vulnerability, but it's that intimacy that builds a sense of connection,
00:39:58builds a sense of humanity, builds a sense of compassion,
00:40:02builds a sense of humility, of tenderness that exists between a man and a woman.
00:40:08When you're looking at sexual behavior that's aggressive, you are depersonalizing the other person
00:40:13or objectifying the other person, if you want to look at it in that language.
00:40:17I've made this person an object of sexual release, an object of sexual pleasure.
00:40:22The danger in that is that we lose the ability to connect.
00:40:27We lose the ability to truly empathize with another person.
00:40:33There's a self-regulation that we have individually that also impacts our relationships,
00:40:40and we lose that ability to self-regulate not just internally, which is a tremendous damage,
00:40:46but we also lose that ability to self-regulate socially.
00:40:50It's not destructive, but it's not constructive,
00:40:54because you're just thinking about you and your own pleasure, as I said.
00:41:01I think if you do that and if your partner does that, it's not great for the couple.
00:41:07So, Jack meets Jill. They seem to fall in love.
00:41:11All is right with the world, except for one problem.
00:41:14One of them, or potentially both, have had or still do have an issue with porn.
00:41:21The private nature of it is one of its greatest strengths,
00:41:25is that it's not something that's, if ever, rarely is going to be something that you can notice in somebody.
00:41:33Unless they're verbally discussing it and describing what they're doing, most times you have no clue.
00:41:40Let's see. I was a single mom of a young boy, and we met through a mutual friend.
00:41:48He introduced us, and he was so charming and handsome and just, I don't know,
00:41:56you just looked at him and he was an all-American guy.
00:41:59And beautiful eyes and big smile. He had a good job, a good education, and he liked me.
00:42:08We became best friends very quickly, and it worked. It was really good. He was my best friend.
00:42:15He just took my son under his wing and really stepped into that role, which was amazing.
00:42:21He was it. He was my rock in so many areas of my life. He was my protector.
00:42:26He was my knight in shining armor, 100%.
00:42:32Sometimes we'd go six weeks without even having any kind of intimacy.
00:42:37He would say, well, I just don't have the sex drive that most normal guys do.
00:42:41That's what he would tell me, and I didn't know. I mean, I was in my early 20s. I'm just like, okay.
00:42:46He had a really difficult time either performing or lasting.
00:42:55And sometimes we would get to the point where we couldn't even physically have sex.
00:43:02And it was over before it even started, and it was very difficult.
00:43:07In my mind, I felt like I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, and I like you. What's the problem?
00:43:16And sometimes it was literally he would try, and then other times it was, you know, good night.
00:43:24As I prance around in a nightie or something, and it just, it was very, as a woman,
00:43:29it was very difficult to understand what my role was.
00:43:35And I know relationships aren't all about sex, but I mean, isn't that a perk of being married?
00:43:41Let's get it on, you know? And I just, it was just not there sometimes.
00:43:54My little sister and I, she was like 11 at the time.
00:43:58We were on LimeWire trying to find some music, and it popped up in the history.
00:44:03Some really just bad stuff. And my sister was like, what in the world is that?
00:44:08I was like, oh, don't look at that, you know? I mean, she's 11.
00:44:12And I flipped out, and you know, he lied about it. He blamed it on his brother.
00:44:19And I banned his brother from the house. I said, he's never allowed to come back here.
00:44:24Why would he do that in our house? And I was very hurt. I was extremely hurt.
00:44:28And I confronted him about it, and I said, I just don't understand.
00:44:31Like, you sleep next to me every night, and you don't want to have sex with me,
00:44:36but I'll find pictures of naked women, so you must have a sex drive.
00:44:43You must want to have sex or something. Like, I don't understand.
00:44:47Just come down the hall, you know, and lay down next to me, and we can have that relationship.
00:44:53And that was the first time. And it was scary to me, I guess. I didn't understand.
00:45:01It was probably in college. I started college right around the birth of the Internet,
00:45:08as when it started to get big. And, you know, I found myself, I had a single room that I lived in,
00:45:18and found myself alone in my room more and more often.
00:45:22And at that point, you know, I just figured it was something everybody did,
00:45:25but I think I noticed I was doing it more. But at that point, I didn't realize it was a problem.
00:45:29I figured everybody, you know, all the college kids do this.
00:45:32The magnitude of it, I don't think, hit me until later on when I was married.
00:45:36There were multiple times in my marriage where she caught me on the Internet or whatever.
00:45:43And at that point, I started saying, OK, well, I'm sorry, I won't do it anymore.
00:45:48And that happened a couple more times. And at that point, you're just like, I was, you know,
00:45:53I thought to myself, well, I'm starting to hide, you know, I feel like I'm hiding this.
00:45:57I'm starting to hide, you know, I feel like I'm hiding this. It can't be right.
00:46:01It's a compulsion. It's like any other addiction.
00:46:04Like I said, when I was young, it was something that made me feel good.
00:46:08It was somewhere I could run to for protection, almost.
00:46:13It became a cure for boredom, for loneliness, for anger, for sadness, for anything.
00:46:22And when I've done something that long, it's just something you just, I go back to, I go back to, I go back to.
00:46:30It absolutely made me feel like something was wrong with me.
00:46:33It made me feel unsexy, unlovable. I felt like there had to be something wrong with me.
00:46:42It all boiled down to that. There was something wrong with me.
00:46:45I was too, I mean, at the time, gee mini, I think I weighed 98 pounds, you know.
00:46:50I couldn't be skinny enough. I couldn't be pretty enough.
00:46:53I think it was more for me that it was, you know, the act of intimacy and sex took a whole lot of effort.
00:47:04And for me at that point, it was so much easier to look at pornography, you know.
00:47:11Everything could be, you know, there wasn't, I didn't have to please the other person, the other person involved.
00:47:22Sadly, you know, it just seemed like it was easier to do that.
00:47:41I was only gone for maybe three days, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
00:47:54I came home, and at that point in time, Carrie Underwood's Jesus Takes the Wheel was a huge song.
00:48:01And I loved it, and I was Googling the words.
00:48:04So I typed in Google search Carrie Underwood, Jesus Takes the Wheel.
00:48:08And as I'm typing in Carrie Underwood, a list of female names pops down, and I'm like, what is all of this?
00:48:15And my heart starts, you know, going because I've been kind of down this road before,
00:48:23and we were in such a good place that I was like, there's no way.
00:48:26There's no way that we're going through this right now.
00:48:29And I started clicking on all the names, and you know how your search history is with Google,
00:48:35and even back then, the page would pop up, and the links that you go to are already purple,
00:48:40and the ones that you haven't gone to are blue, and it's, you know, Jenny XXX or whatever.
00:48:47And I'm like, what in the hell is all of this?
00:48:51So, of course, I'm completely nosy, and I start clicking on everything,
00:48:54and I'm just looking at all of these things, and then I'm furious.
00:48:58I'm just, I'm a mess.
00:49:02And I start taking Post-it notes, and I write down every single female name that I saw that he clicked on,
00:49:08and I just put them all over the desk, all over the screen, everywhere.
00:49:14And at some point in time, you know, he had come back in, and he said something to me,
00:49:19and all I said was, why don't you ask all your girlfriends?
00:49:22And he's like, oh.
00:49:26And I'm like, what the hell are you doing while I'm gone?
00:49:30Are you kidding me?
00:49:31I think it really didn't hit me until there was one point in my marriage when she confronted me about it,
00:49:40and I kind of came clean.
00:49:42And it's like, I feel like it's me, but in my head it doesn't make sense.
00:49:45It doesn't make sense.
00:49:46How is it me?
00:49:48And what is wrong with you?
00:49:50Why don't you like real women?
00:49:52And I think I even said that to him at some point.
00:49:54Like, what is wrong with you?
00:49:56And he stopped, and we're standing, you know, in our office,
00:50:02and he said, I think I'm addicted to porn.
00:50:08And I sat on the floor in my office, and I bawled,
00:50:11because I didn't know what that meant.
00:50:13What does that mean?
00:50:15I know what it means to be addicted to alcohol.
00:50:18I know what it means to be addicted to drugs.
00:50:21What do you mean you're addicted to porn?
00:50:24What does that mean?
00:50:25I feel cheated on a million times over by 100 different girls.
00:50:30I feel inadequate.
00:50:32I feel like I don't know what to do.
00:50:34I gave him many ultimatums.
00:50:37Me or porn.
00:50:38Your family or porn.
00:50:41And every time, I mean, he truly, truly believed it,
00:50:46and I wanted to believe it when he would say, I choose you.
00:50:49I choose my family.
00:50:50I don't want to look at porn.
00:50:52I want to be with you.
00:50:54I want to get better.
00:50:57And he would cry, and I would cry, and it never lasted.
00:51:04He was always sucked back in.
00:51:06My knight in shining armor was a porn addict.
00:51:10How do you pick up the pieces from that?
00:51:14How do you go on with your life when you've given yourself and your son
00:51:22and your everything to this person, and they can't stop looking at it?
00:51:29He has these eyes, these eyes that are crystal blue, and I used to love his eyes.
00:51:36And I got to a point where I would look at his eyes, and I wanted to stab him in his eyes.
00:51:42I wanted to poke him because I knew what he would look at all day.
00:51:47And his hands, you know, when you look at Nathan, he's so all-American and handsome,
00:51:52and you would never think, you know, when you think of just an addict in general,
00:51:58you think of dirty, and you don't bathe, and you're kind of gross.
00:52:02He was a stand-up, just handsome man.
00:52:07And his hands, I would look at his hands, and I would cringe when he'd touch me.
00:52:13And I would just, I'd want to cut his hands off because I knew what he was doing with his hands all day.
00:52:21Just being denied by the man that you love and want and over and over and over again,
00:52:29and it just, you just, there's a point where you just can't move on anymore.
00:52:37I think that was the point when I realized that I needed to do something about it,
00:52:40but I was still really unable to make good, solid progress.
00:52:44I started going to some meetings, but it seemed like I wasn't really into it for me.
00:52:51I didn't really want to make the change. I just wanted to save my marriage.
00:52:54And I didn't really get it until it was too late.
00:52:59I would say that the victims here were me and my children and my marriage.
00:53:06And that's a shame, and it's a crime even,
00:53:12because you can't even imagine the pain and the toll that this took on our family.
00:53:20It's indescribable.
00:53:23It's definitely something that people disagree over, that pushes boundaries, and that they fight about.
00:53:28I think it causes jealousy. I think it causes insecurity.
00:53:31And I think it contributes to the overall situation that's going to lead to the divorce.
00:53:37And I think it adds a sexual cheating component, even if actual cheating isn't occurring, to that mix.
00:53:47At least adds to the insecurity.
00:53:49Brad Dally is a former divorce attorney who has seen time and time again situations unfold,
00:53:55much like that of Betsy and Nate.
00:53:58He points out that there's another victim here that really has no control over the situation.
00:54:04Well, I mean, who's the real victim in any divorce?
00:54:07If there's children, who pays?
00:54:10You know, I mean, the kids are always ones that lose.
00:54:13I think the parents lose too, but the kids always lose more.
00:54:16Well, maybe you believe it doesn't hurt you or other people,
00:54:19but if it's hurting your relationship with your spouse,
00:54:24it's going to have an impact on your relationship with your children as well.
00:54:29And if that leads to a divorce, well, I hope you enjoy spending a lot less time with your kids,
00:54:35because that's what's going to happen.
00:54:39And then have fun explaining why you got a divorce to people.
00:54:43Despite Betsy and Nate's best efforts to shield their children from the situation,
00:54:47it eventually found its way into their lives as well.
00:54:51So at the tender age of 8, I had to sit down with my son and say,
00:54:57this is not how you have a relationship in real life.
00:55:02Sex is beautiful, and it's wonderful, and one day you will experience that, but not like this.
00:55:09This is not real. This is disgusting.
00:55:12People don't really do this when they have sex, not like this.
00:55:15And how do you really make an 8-year-old understand that?
00:55:19As you can see, the issue has a massive ripple effect,
00:55:22not only taking a toll on the addict, but their partner, their friends, their family, their entire environment.
00:55:28So how does an active addict keep from perpetuating the issue?
00:55:32What does a man like Nate say to his son?
00:55:35I just try to tell him about my experiences, I guess, and how it's affected my life,
00:55:39how it's affected my marriage, how it affects my well-being.
00:55:45Because this is, it's not like a drug where it physically affects my appearance or anything like that,
00:55:53but just from the outside I look like a normal guy.
00:55:57On the inside, half the time I'm so twisted up that, you know,
00:56:02sometimes it's hard just to get through a day, and that's what I fight against now.
00:56:06I can never get that marriage back.
00:56:10I thank God I didn't lose my kids because of this.
00:56:14But it's a moral issue now, and it's something that just, you know, it's a battle for my soul almost.
00:56:22If I could go back and change it, I would. I know that's not possible now.
00:56:27Does that bother you?
00:56:31Yeah.
00:56:36I mean...
00:56:43She never asked to be in a relationship like that.
00:56:55I can be happy for her now.
00:57:08I can be happy for her now that she's remarried and she's happy.
00:57:16There are things that people say they'd never wish on their worst enemy, and this is it.
00:57:30There's another issue here, a side effect to be addressed.
00:57:33Aside from the pain that can be felt through this synthetic infidelity, if you will,
00:57:37is the impact it has on a partner, more commonly the woman,
00:57:40when they find themselves competing with and comparing themselves to pornography.
00:57:45When a person finds themselves trying to outdo a world of options,
00:57:49sometimes the only option is to give up.
00:57:52What pornography does is say that the only thing that is valued is youth and beauty
00:58:01and the view of beauty is basically what Hollywood has been selling,
00:58:09that they've got to be a certain age, certain body type, certain shape.
00:58:13That's very degrading to wives to see their husband is not satisfied with her,
00:58:27which is the way she sees it.
00:58:29But when you look at women and one of the ways they're negatively impacted by porn,
00:58:36it has to do with the image of the women that they see on film
00:58:42and the quote-unquote perfection of their body,
00:58:46the stereotypical portrayal of what beauty looks like,
00:58:51absent the sexual behavior.
00:58:54The sexual behavior for many of the women is irrelevant
00:58:58to what does that woman look like and do I need to now live up to that.
00:59:05Because when you're with a man that you know has been watching porn,
00:59:09you think he's looking at you because you don't look like them,
00:59:12that your body isn't great, that you can't do it for him.
00:59:16Women just obsess and obsess about that
00:59:19and you get to a point where you just almost want to give up.
00:59:22You feel like I can never compete with that, so why even try?
00:59:26A lot of my friends have those issues.
00:59:28They lose their self-esteem. They lose their identity.
00:59:32They feel less than.
00:59:34I think that men need to understand that not every girl is going to do
00:59:39what the girls in the clips do,
00:59:42and to put that kind of demand on a female is really unfair.
00:59:46So I think women need to be able to say, I'm not going to do that.
00:59:50I remember thinking these women are beautiful
00:59:54and I am not like that.
00:59:57And he could have a new girl in the click of a button.
01:00:01And I'm just me.
01:00:04But I love you and I don't understand why I'm not good enough.
01:00:08I am a real woman with stretch marks and a saggy butt.
01:00:12What more do you want from me?
01:00:15I'm not fat. I'm not ugly. I do love you. I'm not perfect.
01:00:18But I cannot compete with that no matter what I do.
01:00:22I can't.
01:00:24My perception of myself changed so drastically.
01:00:30I still struggle with some of the residual from that.
01:00:34And I don't feel like I had the, you know,
01:00:41men are supposed to be nurturing to their wives
01:00:44and make them feel beautiful and all of those things,
01:00:47and I didn't feel any of that.
01:00:49I want to know that there is a man that they desire, that they respect,
01:00:55that looks at them and treats them differently
01:00:58than any other woman in the world.
01:01:01That there is something special or unique about who they are
01:01:05that can somehow touch this man the way no other woman does.
01:01:12So women who have that need, women who have that desire,
01:01:18in a world where pornography is a norm,
01:01:21are totally hopeless to feel special in a real relationship.
01:01:26Here's an interesting thought.
01:01:28It takes alcohol less than 24 hours to leave your system.
01:01:32Cocaine takes about 2 to 4 days.
01:01:35But pornography can never be purged from the mind.
01:01:40Essentially the person's carrying around their drug,
01:01:44so memories of previous viewings, of previous images,
01:01:50can be replayed any time.
01:01:52And so a person that's not in recovery will replay those images,
01:01:56and that will trigger an intense desire to revisit
01:02:00and to escalate with time.
01:02:14The Shame Cycle
01:02:25Just what is it that keeps drawing people into the deep chasm of porn
01:02:29and holding them there?
01:02:31Many experts, and those that are stuck in the throes of addiction,
01:02:34have a simple term for that psychological process
01:02:37that holds so many captive.
01:02:39The shame cycle.
01:02:41You know, secrets have shame attached to them.
01:02:43As long as a person has that secret behavior and the shame,
01:02:48I think it acts really like a magnet to draw them back into that behavior.
01:02:52A person's feeling bad about what they're doing.
01:02:54Gee, what would make me feel better?
01:02:56It's torturous.
01:02:58I've worked with too many spouses and partners
01:03:00of folks who've been struggling with sexually compulsive behaviors
01:03:03to not see it as a completely traumatic experience for them.
01:03:06And so the trauma that they're going through is very real.
01:03:09And when we go into a trauma state, what do people tend to do in their trauma?
01:03:12They don't tend to reach out.
01:03:14They tend to close in.
01:03:16They go back and revert to whatever it was historically that they used in the past
01:03:19to take care of themselves.
01:03:21It's exactly how it works.
01:03:23Once I would go all the way, so to speak,
01:03:26and look at porn and masturbate and get what I was after,
01:03:30I would feel terrible.
01:03:32I would feel awful about it.
01:03:34And at that point, that shame just kept building up inside of me
01:03:37and building up and building up
01:03:39to where I was looking to not feel ashamed of myself anymore.
01:03:42And what would I do?
01:03:44Go back to the only way that I knew how to make myself feel better.
01:03:47It's both a consequence and a precursor.
01:03:50It's a byproduct of what I've been doing is the shame,
01:03:52and it leads me back into it.
01:03:54And then by doing it, it builds up the shame.
01:03:56And we call it the shame cycle. We call it the addictive cycle.
01:03:58It just keeps playing itself back out.
01:04:00It's a self-defeating cycle, a self-defeating process.
01:04:03And it's the one thing I can go to to alleviate the pain that I feel
01:04:06as a result of doing it.
01:04:08It's insidious.
01:04:10One of the biggest costs that's there
01:04:12is in the struggle with my own sense of identity.
01:04:15I maintain to the people around me that I am this one particular person.
01:04:19In my way of viewing myself,
01:04:22I see myself much less of a person than what I portray to those around me.
01:04:27Every time I participate in behavior that I deem to be wrong,
01:04:32that I believe to be something that people who are important to me
01:04:36would disapprove of, that behavior,
01:04:38the gap between who I see that I am
01:04:41and who I portray to other people becomes larger.
01:04:45And the larger that gap,
01:04:47the more my sense that I'm a poser, an imposter,
01:04:50the more my sense that I am a fraud,
01:04:53the more of a sense that if people knew me,
01:04:56they would reject me.
01:04:59And so the walls and the barriers to intimacy
01:05:02become higher and stronger and thicker.
01:05:05So it really is a shame cycle, and it continues over.
01:05:08If anybody found out that I struggle with this,
01:05:11how do I come clean with this?
01:05:13When I'm in my deepest shame,
01:05:15it's when I'm in those places where I have my biggest vulnerabilities.
01:05:18And human beings are fairly vulnerable when it comes to our sexuality
01:05:21and being naked with another person and being seen.
01:05:23And do I perform well? Do I measure up?
01:05:25And am I doing the right things?
01:05:27And anything that's outside of the quote-unquote norm,
01:05:31the consequence to the human being that's experiencing that
01:05:34is going to be despair and hurt and confusion and fear.
01:05:37And I have no desire for anybody to know this about me,
01:05:40and I'll do anything and everything to throw a mask on
01:05:43so that you don't see this part of me.
01:05:45I think that shame and stigma
01:05:48are really damaging and dangerous.
01:05:52You know, as a kid, I was born with one hand,
01:05:55and I grew up being different.
01:05:58I know what it's like to be different,
01:06:00and I know what it's like to be stigmatized and excluded as being different.
01:06:04That's what I see happening with people
01:06:07who are called porn addicts and sex addicts.
01:06:10They're shamed. They're said they're different.
01:06:12They're told there's something wrong with you,
01:06:15and you need to stop.
01:06:17The DSM-5, otherwise known as
01:06:20the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,
01:06:23is the standard classification of mental disorders
01:06:27used by mental health professionals in the United States.
01:06:31In it, you will find such disorders as
01:06:34schizophrenia, anorexia, bulimia,
01:06:37hoarding, even gambling addiction.
01:06:40What you won't find is any literature on sexual addiction,
01:06:43more specifically, addiction to pornography.
01:06:46Ask those in the field, and you'll get a myriad of answers,
01:06:50ranging from a void of scientific proof,
01:06:53society being behind the curve in understanding its own nature,
01:06:56or the DSM simply lacking common sense.
01:06:59One thing is apparent, there is a clear need
01:07:02to begin discussing and understanding this issue
01:07:05and its very real existence, however it is to be labeled.
01:07:09Problematic porn use looks like addiction.
01:07:14Is it? That's the question.
01:07:18That's the question at the heart of it.
01:07:20Is it addiction in the same way
01:07:24that addiction to drugs exists?
01:07:26Is there a tolerance?
01:07:28Does it take more of that drug of choice
01:07:31to bring about the same kind of behavior?
01:07:35Are they engaged in behaviors that are harming them or harming somebody else?
01:07:41Do they repeat them? Do they lie to cover it up?
01:07:44Do they make efforts to stop and are unable to stop?
01:07:48Do they make promises to stop and then they go back?
01:07:53To that same old behavior.
01:07:55When I see all of these things taking place,
01:07:57then I say, you know, there probably is an addiction
01:08:00going on with that person, whether they recognize it or not.
01:08:03And then there's the DSM-5.
01:08:07In the DSM-5, the new manual for addictions,
01:08:11the word addiction is,
01:08:13the new manual for mental health disorders, I'm sorry,
01:08:18the word addiction is used once.
01:08:21And it's used with a line that says,
01:08:27addiction is not a precise enough term anymore
01:08:33because we don't really know what it means.
01:08:36Sex looks just like those drugs.
01:08:38And the more we learn about that, the more we understand
01:08:42it's a contextual thing, really.
01:08:45That's why the American Society of Addiction Medicine,
01:08:48which is comprised of medical doctors like myself,
01:08:51who are more biologically based,
01:08:54redefined addiction in 2011 as a disease of the brain.
01:09:00They used the disease word affecting three systems,
01:09:03reward, motivation, and memory.
01:09:06And the second part of their definition was that
01:09:10sex, food, and gambling are addictions
01:09:13just as much as alcohol, cocaine, or heroin.
01:09:17That one, the DSM is going to say is an addiction,
01:09:20and the other is not.
01:09:22It's ludicrous. It really is.
01:09:24And the DSM-5 is deeply flawed for that reason.
01:09:28And so anyone that would say that
01:09:33if it's not in the DSM-5 it's not an addiction
01:09:36simply doesn't understand the neurobiology of the brain.
01:09:39There's so many subjective perspectives on that
01:09:41based on family of origin, culture, heritage, faith, and so forth
01:09:45that it's going to require very specific data,
01:09:49very specific empirical evidence
01:09:51to even get the conversation started.
01:09:52And even then, as you well know,
01:09:54many people, despite evidence, will still push back against that.
01:09:57And that's common throughout humanity.
01:10:00But we have to at least have that data.
01:10:01Be it psychological or biological,
01:10:04the rift between these two very important fields
01:10:06could well be one of the reasons
01:10:08that this issue has flown under the radar for so long.
01:10:11Imagine if the two very intelligent groups united.
01:10:15I personally don't see the two sides needing to be at odds.
01:10:19At the end of the day, we want to help individuals that are struggling.
01:10:21You say it's this, we say it's that.
01:10:23At the end of the day, we want the same outcome.
01:10:25We want them to have mental health.
01:10:26We want them to have emotional health.
01:10:27We want them to have relational health.
01:10:29We want them to have success and stability
01:10:31and a sense of well-being within themselves.
01:10:33And I think there's multiple ways to get to that,
01:10:35and I don't see us needing to be as diametrically opposed
01:10:38as many times we're being pitted against each other.
01:10:40Speaking of biology versus psychology,
01:10:43is it fair to ask if this is an issue of neurochemical dependency
01:10:47versus moral deficiency?
01:10:49In essence, are we talking about addiction versus being a bad person?
01:10:54When you talk about addiction of any kind,
01:10:57the thing that's the most difficult for people to relate to
01:11:00is the loss of control.
01:11:03That people who can't relate personally
01:11:08look at somebody who's in the grips of addiction
01:11:12and say, how could you choose XYZ over your family?
01:11:18How could you choose drugs over your kids?
01:11:21How could you choose porn over your wife?
01:11:25That's very hard for the average person to relate to.
01:11:29And yet, on the flip side,
01:11:31the person that's struggling with that addiction
01:11:37in its true form looks at it and says, what choice?
01:11:42When I found something in it that was so repulsive to me,
01:11:46but yet it was such a dark place to kind of hide out,
01:11:49and I don't know.
01:11:51For me, it just got me, and it would not let go of me.
01:11:55And it was the most shameful thing that I've ever had to deal with.
01:11:59Is there a way we can talk about it then without using the moral card?
01:12:04Absolutely.
01:12:06So it's not just a moral problem for people that believe in morals.
01:12:10It is a brain problem.
01:12:12It is an addiction independent of any moral basis or judgment.
01:12:17By and large, no, this is not a valueless person that you're dealing with,
01:12:20a moralist person.
01:12:22It's somebody who has really strong values and morals,
01:12:24but has become disconnected from them, or become distracted from them,
01:12:27or their obsession has pulled them away from a focus in that part of them
01:12:30that is their healthiest self.
01:12:32And there is still a part of them that's screaming and saying,
01:12:34I'm going to get you back to balance,
01:12:36but I don't know how to get there without doing the thing that I know to do now
01:12:39that feels like balance and normal.
01:12:42The person who's spending his time with pornography,
01:12:46if it's approached as a moral problem,
01:12:50then the response is for him to feel shame.
01:12:55And if somebody will just preach to him enough
01:13:00and really make him understand how bad he is,
01:13:03maybe he'll stop.
01:13:04No, he doesn't stop.
01:13:05Shame ends up being a very powerful trigger then,
01:13:10a very powerful thing that propels the addiction.
01:13:15Whatever your perspective may be,
01:13:17we cannot just pretend that this pornography issue doesn't exist.
01:13:21It has very real, very apparent potential to infiltrate individuals,
01:13:26relationships, families,
01:13:28and break down the very nature of community as it's meant to be.
01:13:32We are sexual beings.
01:13:33We always have been and always will be.
01:13:36It's how we begin to handle that sexuality now,
01:13:39or at least try to understand it,
01:13:41that will have great impact on the future.
01:13:43As we lose the ability to be intimate,
01:13:46what we can predict is a generation of children
01:13:51that have this inability to self-regulate themselves emotionally,
01:13:55an inability to form satisfactory, close human relationships.
01:14:01We'll then pass it on to their children.
01:14:03We'll pass it on to their children.
01:14:05When we say something is an addiction,
01:14:07the answer is real easy.
01:14:09Stop doing it.
01:14:11The answer here is not so simple.
01:14:14These are complex issues that involve marriages,
01:14:18involve sexual values, involve men and women,
01:14:21involve masculinity and femininity,
01:14:23involve education, involve culture and society,
01:14:27involve sexually transmitted diseases,
01:14:29involve libido and all kinds of things.
01:14:33If your film can generate that kind of conversation,
01:14:37I think it's healthy.
01:14:39I think that's the ultimate goal, and that's my ultimate goal,
01:14:43because calling it addiction stops the conversation.
01:14:49We've walked on the moon.
01:14:51We can perform intricate surgeries.
01:14:54We can write beautiful sonnets.
01:14:57We can compose music.
01:14:59We can do all of these marvelous things.
01:15:01We can love our children, our spouse,
01:15:05experience these powerful, deep human emotions,
01:15:10and then we cheapen it by commoditizing human beings.
01:15:17We're better than that.
01:15:20We're much better than that.
01:15:22Sexuality has a much higher purpose in humans than that.
01:15:27The unfortunate thing is that pornography is ruining
01:15:30and destroying many families and many individuals.
01:15:36Black and white thinking when it comes to pornography
01:15:39is just not a luxury that we can indulge ourselves in.
01:15:43That's a scary thing to think about when you talk about
01:15:46how does this impact the formation of coupleships
01:15:49and family establishment, and then just the values
01:15:52that we carry forth of do we see ourselves as a communal being
01:15:56or do we see ourselves as individuals in isolation?
01:15:59Be careful with pornography.
01:16:02Don't treat it like it's a benign thing, because it's not.
01:16:08And when people perceive an actual partner in real life
01:16:12as bad porn, then we've really taken a real critical shift
01:16:17for the worse, in my opinion.
01:16:20The idea of porn addiction and sex addiction is about
01:16:23a moral conflict within the person and within society.
01:16:28I think it is really important that we help people
01:16:32have that conversation.
01:16:34And that is precisely the sole purpose of this film.
01:16:38To initiate conversation, it is not to indict, to accuse,
01:16:42or to demonize.
01:16:44It is to shine a light into a darkness that looms over us
01:16:47as a human race.
01:16:49Some may contend that pornography is a neutral element
01:16:53that is harmless unless used irresponsibly.
01:16:56To the contrary, as we've shown, it is shackling our children
01:17:00to a powerful preconceived notion of false intimacy.
01:17:05It is teaching them a lie.
01:17:07It is belittling spouses, emasculating men,
01:17:11and destroying the beautiful essence of women.
01:17:14It can no longer be the erotic elephant in the room
01:17:18that we hide behind the closed doors of our homes and offices.
01:17:22It can no longer be the educator of our youth.
01:17:26Is it the fear of social disgrace that keeps us
01:17:29from permitting each other to be free of its bondage?
01:17:32Like it or not, admit it or not, it is here,
01:17:36and it is harmful.
01:17:38It's time to talk about it openly and honestly
01:17:42in all facets of society.
01:17:45There is great power among people when they learn
01:17:48that they're not alone in a struggle.
01:17:51There is conversely great power in the shame
01:17:54that keeps people down.
01:17:56And shame should not win.
01:18:09A man named Tin Virgin in 1973 won the Nobel Prize
01:18:13for describing what he termed a supernormal stimulus.
01:18:17In other words, a stimulus that an animal encounters
01:18:20that's above the natural stimulus they would encounter in nature.
01:18:24He took butterflies, and it was a species
01:18:28where the male would find the female
01:18:30based on the color and size of her wings.
01:18:33And so he painted cardboard butterfly,
01:18:36female butterfly wings that were bigger and brighter
01:18:39than natural female butterflies.
01:18:41And lo and behold, the males would ignore
01:18:44the female butterflies.
01:18:46I think humans are following a similar path
01:18:50with regard to mating with celluloid
01:18:53and mating with electrons on a screen,
01:18:56just like the butterflies tried to mate
01:18:58with these artificial cardboard butterflies.
01:22:36For more UN videos visit www.un.org