What starts as a routine audit turns into a forbidden romance when an IRS agent becomes captivated by the vampire he’s investigating.
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00:00:00Hey, check out Mike Tyson.
00:00:02I don't care what's in front of him.
00:00:22For the next eight weeks, watch as five weird, wild, real-life freaks compete to win $50,000.
00:00:29Aurelio Voltaire, a gothic homemaker.
00:00:33Isle Fire, a modern-day witch.
00:00:35The Nudist.
00:00:37Badass Becky, your foot girl next door.
00:00:40And Stas, a man who calls himself a vampire.
00:00:46I'm the leader of a global, underground community of real, live vampires.
00:00:50I mean, there's 50,000 to 100,000 of us worldwide.
00:00:54As the leader of my community, I felt it was time to come out of the coffin.
00:01:00Because I do sleep in a coffin.
00:01:04Ladies, if you don't believe me, I'd be happy to have you come check it out.
00:01:10Oh, my God.
00:01:14It's so much worse than I even imagined.
00:01:17Yeah, well, there's a lot of money that I could have won.
00:01:19But you didn't win.
00:01:20Hey, that foot trick really was a badass.
00:01:23Anyway, my clips, I'm going viral.
00:01:26From now on, any time any of us tell someone, that's what they're going to think of.
00:01:31You made us look like we think we're supernatural or something.
00:01:34That's ridiculous.
00:01:35Of course it's ridiculous, but they don't know that we know that.
00:01:38You know what? I don't have to listen to this anymore.
00:01:46You have your updated test results?
00:01:53Clean.
00:01:55As a housewife's bathroom.
00:01:58You know, you need me.
00:02:00Who else would be sick enough to have you?
00:02:04I mean, the only chick I know that has to pay for a donut.
00:02:09I don't want to owe you anything.
00:02:11Well, I always said you needed to see a shrink.
00:02:13Yeah, I did. She told me to cut you out of my life.
00:02:23I'm sorry.
00:02:34How much do you hate yourself every time you come here?
00:02:40Almost as much as I hate you.
00:02:49Where you been?
00:02:53Work.
00:02:55Nine million people and you can't find another donor.
00:02:59I don't have your talent for finding them.
00:03:01You can always feed on me.
00:03:03The pity suck.
00:03:05Did you see the clips I sent you?
00:03:09Yeah.
00:03:10Seven million views apiece.
00:03:15S***.
00:03:16All of a sudden, the whole world's going to know about us.
00:03:19The whole world's going to know about us.
00:03:21And that's the f*** they're going to see.
00:03:24Farrah?
00:03:26What happened?
00:03:28Lily's boyfriend broke up with her because she told him she's a vampire.
00:03:36It just...
00:03:40Someone sent him that stupid clip and he was showing me.
00:03:43And I just thought, I'll tell him.
00:03:45I'll just tell him and it'll be fine.
00:03:48But I told him and he was like,
00:03:50you can't be a Muslim and a vampire.
00:03:54I said, I can, I am.
00:03:59And he said, well I can't.
00:04:01And he told me to go.
00:04:05That's why we don't date mundanes.
00:04:09She was always on me about telling him.
00:04:11She had to tell him sometimes.
00:04:13I thought he was different.
00:04:14I always seem different.
00:04:17I just wanted a boyfriend.
00:04:20You should try it sometime.
00:04:22They'll break your heart.
00:04:24But you can have sex with them.
00:04:26That's very funny.
00:04:28Oh, there's mail for you on the table.
00:04:34What am I going to do?
00:04:36You're going to find a nice vampire boy.
00:04:39No, I'm not.
00:04:42No, I'm not.
00:04:43I'm going to end up alone, like Sarah.
00:04:46Hey.
00:04:49Oh my God, your sister.
00:04:52Oh no, what?
00:04:54Lord Stas and Mistress Regan
00:04:57request your presence at her annual birthday ball.
00:05:02Stas!
00:05:04Fucking coffin.
00:05:07You know what?
00:05:09We should make a viral video.
00:05:12You can't just make a viral video.
00:05:14That's not how it works.
00:05:15I know, smartass.
00:05:17I'm going to make a video, and it's going to go viral.
00:05:19A video of what?
00:05:21I'm going to come out.
00:05:22Publicly.
00:05:24You're going to go on the internet
00:05:26and tell people that you're a vampire?
00:05:28Stas can't be the only vampire people see.
00:05:31I'm a rational person.
00:05:34If I just explain it to them...
00:05:36What about me and Lily?
00:05:37If you tell people, everyone's going to know.
00:05:40Are you going to keep hiding forever?
00:05:42I'm not hiding.
00:05:43I just don't think everyone in the whole world
00:05:45needs to know what I do behind closed doors.
00:05:47I think it's time we come out.
00:05:49I want people to see me.
00:05:53And you think people are going to take you seriously?
00:05:56They might.
00:05:57They won't.
00:05:59I want to make one, too.
00:06:01I'm tired of lying.
00:06:03What about your job?
00:06:05What about your parents?
00:06:06You're right.
00:06:07We should just keep subverting who we are
00:06:09and make sure everyone else is comfortable.
00:06:40Yes.
00:06:43I told you three weeks ago
00:06:45that my prayer group was coming over tonight.
00:06:47They're just not comfortable with having anyone...
00:06:49With having a heathen in the other room.
00:06:51I promise I won't be there.
00:06:53You know, I used to be just like you.
00:06:56Cynical, a non-believer.
00:06:59But when Todd left me after 35 years...
00:07:03You know who was there for me?
00:07:05Jesus.
00:07:08Your mother called me this morning.
00:07:10I'm sorry, what?
00:07:12You need to pick up when she calls, James.
00:07:15I don't expect you to understand this,
00:07:18being young and a man.
00:07:21But you hit a certain age as a woman
00:07:24and you just stop being seen.
00:07:27And you call and call and call
00:07:30and he doesn't pick up.
00:07:32I'm sorry, are we still talking about my mother?
00:07:34Call your mother, James.
00:07:36Call her.
00:07:38Hi, Tim.
00:07:40Hi, Tim.
00:07:42Had a great convo with your mom last night.
00:07:44Oh, yeah?
00:07:46You know, we had such great times together at Oxford.
00:07:50She's great, just so great.
00:07:52Yeah.
00:07:53I got a good one for you this morning.
00:07:55Oh?
00:07:56Yeah, coming in at 10 o'clock.
00:07:58Oh, that's, um...
00:07:59Your first church.
00:08:01Should be a quick one, open and shut.
00:08:04Let me give you some advice, James.
00:08:06Most of the time, working at the IRS
00:08:08is like doing the work of an ant in a colony.
00:08:11You work hard all the time,
00:08:13lifting up three times your body weight.
00:08:15But maybe once in your career,
00:08:17you get a case in which the group in question
00:08:20has attracted, let's say,
00:08:22some heightened media attention.
00:08:26And then a small spotlight
00:08:28might be shone on the civic duty
00:08:30you do quietly, nobly, every day.
00:08:34Happened to me in 94.
00:08:37This might be the one where it can happen for you.
00:08:40Oh, and...
00:08:42What?
00:08:44I got interviewed for a news segment.
00:08:47The news.
00:08:50The news.
00:08:53The news.
00:08:58Hmm.
00:09:04This is Miss Woods.
00:09:06Your 10 o'clock.
00:09:08Feels like something's gonna change
00:09:11Feels like something's gonna change
00:09:16You understand that you're being audited, yes?
00:09:19Yeah.
00:09:22This year you filed as single,
00:09:24but eight years ago you filed as married.
00:09:26Divorced?
00:09:33It says your occupation is grave finder.
00:09:36Can you tell me what that is?
00:09:38Genealogists hire me to find the graves
00:09:40of their clients' ancestors.
00:09:42I take pictures, write down information.
00:09:45They pay me.
00:09:48Okay.
00:09:50Okay.
00:09:54This lists you as the primary director
00:09:56of a registered church, the House of Twilight.
00:10:00Yep.
00:10:04Can you tell me a bit about what that is?
00:10:08We're a collective of independent vampires.
00:10:12You're a collective of independent vampires?
00:10:15We're not supernatural.
00:10:17Obviously, we just, we need to feed on energy
00:10:20to stay healthy.
00:10:22And how?
00:10:24We drink blood.
00:10:30We don't attack people or anything.
00:10:31We have donors.
00:10:33You know, I'm feeling like you may not be able
00:10:35to objectively evaluate my case.
00:10:37Do you think I could maybe get another IRS agent
00:10:39who isn't quite so...
00:10:41Human?
00:10:42Judgmental.
00:10:48Okay.
00:10:51You filed your taxes as a registered church
00:10:53for the last eight years, meaning that you have not
00:10:55paid any income tax on money donated to that entity.
00:10:59Yes.
00:11:02Did you register using a lawyer?
00:11:05Look, um...
00:11:07I printed up a list of a lot of other alt groups
00:11:11that are registered churches.
00:11:13Wiccans, Scientologists.
00:11:16This is America.
00:11:18I'm not sure if you're familiar with American...
00:11:20I have dual citizenship.
00:11:24You appear to only have three current members.
00:11:27Yeah, well, people come and go.
00:11:30Look.
00:11:32James there.
00:11:34I just, I don't understand why this is happening.
00:11:37Apparently there's been some heightened media attention
00:11:39on your organization leading to attention from the IRS.
00:11:42Are you saying this is because of a reality show?
00:11:44Ma'am, please.
00:11:45That's not...
00:11:46That is a completely different house.
00:11:48I don't know anything about that.
00:11:50I just handle the cases that they give me.
00:11:52So.
00:11:55After an initial review of your organization,
00:11:57the IRS has determined that there is not sufficient evidence
00:12:00to justify your church status.
00:12:02Unless the documents that you bring today
00:12:04reverse that perspective,
00:12:06there will be an immediate revocation
00:12:08of your designated exempt status.
00:12:10You will owe back taxes for the past eight years,
00:12:13plus interest, plus fines.
00:12:16How much will that be?
00:12:18You'll receive a letter.
00:12:21Did you bring the documentation that we asked for?
00:12:38F***!
00:12:44F***!
00:12:51This must be a really boring job.
00:12:55I mean, no offense, my job is really boring.
00:12:59It's a job I enjoy myself on evenings and weekends.
00:13:04Yeah, me too.
00:13:09Me too.
00:13:13Me too.
00:13:24Woo!
00:13:30So.
00:13:32Even the man hates the man.
00:13:36Shouldn't you be inside right now?
00:13:39I thought we were finished.
00:13:41I mean, the whole vampire thing.
00:13:43I thought you weren't supposed to be in the sunlight.
00:13:47I think it's kind of obvious that an IRS agent
00:13:50would be a complete f***er.
00:13:52Well, jeez.
00:13:53Don't think you get any points for originality, though.
00:13:55Hey, I'm really sorry.
00:13:57My day's just kind of a disaster.
00:14:00Your day is a disaster?
00:14:04That was a discrimination.
00:14:07What?
00:14:08I'd say that that was a pretty neat display of prejudice, wouldn't you?
00:14:12I think I'd like to talk to your supervisor.
00:14:14You don't need to talk to my supervisor.
00:14:15I'm very competent at my job.
00:14:16And I'm very competent at my job,
00:14:18but I barely make enough money to live.
00:14:20I didn't understand half the forms I just turned in
00:14:22because I don't have a law degree.
00:14:24And you think I'm a joke, so it seems to me
00:14:26there's a pretty good chance that you're going to rule against me
00:14:28and make me pay money that I don't have.
00:14:30So I'm going to end up homeless or in jail,
00:14:32so I'm pretty f***ed.
00:14:34But you're a b***h, so I'd like to talk to your supervisor.
00:14:37Or maybe you'd like to rule in our favor.
00:14:40I can't do that. I've already handed it in.
00:14:43Okay.
00:14:44So who do I talk to about filing a discrimination report?
00:14:47My only job is to look at it fairly and legally.
00:14:50Okay, so look at it harder.
00:14:52Reopen the case, or I would like to talk to your supervisor.
00:14:55Fine, fine.
00:14:57I will give it a more in-depth review, but that's all, okay?
00:15:02You need to bring me more. Everything you have.
00:15:04Paperwork, religious documents, press clippings,
00:15:07anything that can help establish you as a legitimate organization.
00:15:10I will. I'll bring it tomorrow.
00:15:12No, bring it to me not here.
00:15:16This is my personal cell phone.
00:15:19Call me on this.
00:15:21Do not call me at the office.
00:15:23Call me on this.
00:15:25Do not call me at the office.
00:15:28Meet me at a bar or something.
00:15:30Anything not here.
00:15:33This has to be before Monday.
00:15:47You know, Raoul is leaving at the end of this month.
00:15:51There's just two people he'd give his job to.
00:15:57Oh, I don't know. You've been here a lot longer than I have.
00:16:00That's right. I have.
00:16:05That I'm a vampire is a physical fact, yes,
00:16:07but it's also a spiritual calling.
00:16:10It's a religion.
00:16:12It connects me to my higher self.
00:16:22Hey, Mum. It's me.
00:16:25I got your voice messages.
00:16:28I'm sorry that I missed you.
00:16:30It's the middle of the night there, obviously.
00:16:32I was on a date, actually.
00:16:41Just a minute.
00:16:47I'm sorry.
00:16:50Hey, Rumi.
00:16:52Hi.
00:16:54Can I help you?
00:16:56Touch it.
00:17:02It's greasy.
00:17:04It's OK. We'll get used to each other.
00:17:07You've got to work at it, like a marriage.
00:17:09Good thing we both did so well at that, then.
00:17:12OK.
00:17:14Night, Rumi.
00:17:16Night.
00:17:20Are you drinking?
00:17:24I don't drink...
00:17:26wine.
00:17:33This doesn't seem like your kind of place.
00:17:35What's my kind of place?
00:17:37Well, it's a vegan cafe, so...
00:17:40I don't know.
00:17:42It's a nice place.
00:17:44What's my kind of place?
00:17:46Well, it's a vegan cafe, so...
00:17:56That's everything I could think of.
00:17:58Sample donor contracts.
00:18:00Rules about blood tests.
00:18:02I printed out the Vampire Codex,
00:18:04which is a little bit like our Bible.
00:18:06Great.
00:18:08I will see what I can do.
00:18:15Can I ask you a question, off the record?
00:18:19Do you really drink blood?
00:18:23Yes.
00:18:25Why?
00:18:30OK, so...
00:18:32we have a biological condition that's basically
00:18:34an inability to create enough energy.
00:18:36So blood is the physical manifestation of energy.
00:18:38It's the thing that flows through us.
00:18:40So we have to supplement our own energy
00:18:43by feeding on donors.
00:18:47Well, what do you want me to say?
00:18:49We live in New York in the 21st century.
00:18:51I was sick all the time as a kid.
00:18:53I went to a lot of doctors, nothing helped.
00:18:55When I started drinking blood, I got better.
00:18:57How else do you explain that?
00:18:59Did you try vitamins?
00:19:01Maybe you just have a run-of-the-mill iron deficiency.
00:19:03That's nice.
00:19:04Maybe later I could take pot shots at your beliefs.
00:19:06I don't think I have any beliefs.
00:19:13You must think I'm such a...
00:19:15A what?
00:19:17An IRS agent.
00:19:19I mean, I am, obviously, an IRS agent,
00:19:22but I do other things.
00:19:25You know, I...
00:19:29read.
00:19:40You're kind of a weirdo.
00:19:44Thank you for escorting me.
00:19:48I will give it a fair look.
00:19:50It doesn't make any sense to me,
00:19:52but if drinking blood makes you feel better,
00:19:54then who am I to, uh...
00:19:56Thanks.
00:19:59I mean, I'm just going to reopen the case for review.
00:20:01I can't...
00:20:03I know, but I appreciate your help.
00:20:07You're welcome.
00:20:09I'm just going to reopen the case for review.
00:20:11I can't...
00:20:13I know, but I appreciate your breaking the rules for me.
00:20:30Um...
00:20:32Uh, I have to go.
00:20:34Right, okay, sure. Um, I... Did you just...
00:20:36I think I really have to go.
00:20:38No, wait, uh...
00:20:40What do you have in your...
00:20:42church?
00:20:44Do you have, like, services or...
00:20:46We have meetings.
00:20:48Well, maybe you could...
00:20:50Do you want to invite me to one?
00:20:52For the case?
00:20:54I just think that it would be good
00:20:56if I could see more of what it is that you do.
00:20:58Fine.
00:21:00Great. Text me?
00:21:02Okay.
00:21:04Good night!
00:21:34Oh!
00:21:49I thought it was an open-shut case.
00:21:51Right, yeah.
00:21:53Uh, it's just... It's my first church.
00:21:55This would be a good notch in your bed post.
00:21:57This one...
00:21:59I know. I want to do a good job.
00:22:01Good.
00:22:03I don't know if you saw the Facebook invite,
00:22:04but there's a company picnic in a few weeks.
00:22:07Oh, yeah.
00:22:08Pam and I would be happy to come pick you up
00:22:10and give you a ride if you wanted.
00:22:12Oh, I didn't know you had a car.
00:22:15No, I don't.
00:22:20Sounds great, Tim.
00:22:25Okay.
00:22:26So, uh, I need the guys' phone numbers now.
00:22:29So I can call you on the phone,
00:22:30and see if you can call on the phone.
00:22:32I'm always on, and I'm always on the phone.
00:22:34You're always on the phone.
00:22:35And I'm always calling you.
00:22:37I hope we don't have to do it again.
00:22:39I know you've seen it.
00:22:40You've seen it in YouTube.
00:22:42It's happening.
00:22:43It's happening.
00:22:45How does it change your life in the way I see it?
00:22:48I mean, it isn't just the time of the year.
00:22:50It's the way you live.
00:22:52Maybe you should be spending time with yourself.
00:22:54Or maybe I should just explain to you
00:22:55What is going on?
00:22:57We flipped the videos up an hour ago.
00:23:00I just knew.
00:23:03Like, you know you need to sleep.
00:23:06That I needed to taste it.
00:23:09If you say anything, I'll hit you.
00:23:12We read the comments section.
00:23:15What the fuck are these people?
00:23:17Are they just waiting by their computer
00:23:20for someone they can rip open with their teeth?
00:23:22Chrissy got into a fight with one of them.
00:23:25He kept telling people we sleep in coffins.
00:23:28Where do you think he heard that?
00:23:30Fuck Stas.
00:23:35We're going to Regan's Ball.
00:23:38We have to get Stas to help us with the audit.
00:23:41He has people everywhere.
00:23:43He could get someone to help us if he wanted.
00:23:46No.
00:23:47This is his fault.
00:23:49He has to...
00:23:50I am not asking him for any...
00:23:52I'll ask him.
00:23:56I'm not going.
00:24:00Do you have a better idea?
00:24:16I'm going to bring the IRS guy then.
00:24:18He wants to know what vampires are like.
00:24:21For the case.
00:24:49It's James, right?
00:24:51Thayer.
00:24:52James Thayer.
00:24:54Hello, James Thayer.
00:24:57And so what's your position in the church?
00:25:00Are you the leader?
00:25:02We're an egalitarian group.
00:25:04I'm just the...
00:25:05It was her idea.
00:25:07And where are we going?
00:25:09I don't know.
00:25:10I don't know.
00:25:11I don't know.
00:25:12I don't know.
00:25:13I don't know.
00:25:14I don't know.
00:25:16And where are we going?
00:25:19The Court of Dreams.
00:25:21It's the governing body of all the vampire houses in the city.
00:25:24Not ours.
00:25:26These are not our vampires.
00:25:28We broke off eight years ago because these vampires are f***ing insane.
00:25:31Whoa.
00:25:33That's that vampire trick from YouTube.
00:25:35Ayo, vampire lady.
00:25:37Wanna come sleep in my coffin?
00:25:40Only 103 people saw that video and that f***ing guy is one of them.
00:25:44Hey!
00:25:45You that guy?
00:25:46Chrissy.
00:25:48I said I don't sleep in coffins.
00:25:50We don't sleep in coffins.
00:25:52Write that down.
00:25:53He's not my boy.
00:25:54He's a dipshit.
00:25:59I hit a lot of friends with that.
00:26:09Mistress Christine Berman.
00:26:13Former Elder of the Court of Dreams.
00:26:17Mistress Sarah.
00:26:20Former Bride of the King of Kings of the House Pont-du-Lac.
00:26:28And their guest.
00:26:32Jesus, don't bother me no more.
00:26:44What?
00:26:49Do mine eyes deceive me?
00:26:52How long has it been?
00:26:54Still doing the Shakespeare thing, huh?
00:27:00Is this blood?
00:27:01No.
00:27:05Did I mention there's no alcohol at these things?
00:27:10Bare on the laps, this crowd is.
00:27:12How often does this happen?
00:27:14How once a month.
00:27:19Christine.
00:27:22Alex.
00:27:23Regan.
00:27:25Regan.
00:27:26She changed her name to Regan because it means queen.
00:27:30Sarah Regan.
00:27:32It is a surprise to see you once more amongst our number.
00:27:37And who's this?
00:27:40Have you finally found a boyfriend?
00:27:42Not Sarah's boyfriend.
00:27:44This is James.
00:27:46He's our black swan.
00:27:49That's just a mundane who's cool about vampires.
00:27:51A mundane?
00:27:52A non-vampire.
00:27:53You mean like a muggle?
00:27:55I'm Sarah's ex-husband.
00:28:00Congratulations on your new internet fame.
00:28:03I'm sure you're enjoying that.
00:28:05It can be a burden sometimes, too, though.
00:28:08The elders are not happy about your unapproved internet appearance.
00:28:13I figured.
00:28:14I am the approved media contact for this community.
00:28:18And you're just jeopardizing the privacy of everyone.
00:28:21I'm jeopardizing it.
00:28:23We're being audited because of you.
00:28:25Yeah.
00:28:26And you could be next.
00:28:28Can we go somewhere to talk?
00:28:39That's your ex-husband?
00:28:42Yeah.
00:28:45It's my, um...
00:28:47It's my mum.
00:28:49I have an ex, too.
00:28:51Wife.
00:28:52I married her because she wanted me to.
00:28:55No, I mean because my mum wanted me to.
00:28:57She, um...
00:28:59Just suffocated me.
00:29:01You know, I believe in a sensual approach to life.
00:29:06If it feels good, do it.
00:29:09So I said, darling...
00:29:11I'm not interested in the blood itself.
00:29:13I'm more drawn to the darker aspects, you know?
00:29:16These people are completely out of their minds.
00:29:19You have no idea.
00:29:23What?
00:29:24No, I just...
00:29:25It struck me that there is nothing that I can do in this room
00:29:28that would make me the weirdest person here.
00:29:30Hold that.
00:29:36What is that?
00:29:39What is that?
00:29:40Wait.
00:29:42Wait.
00:29:48Oh, my God!
00:29:51Whoo!
00:29:53Whoa!
00:29:54Whoa!
00:29:58Oh, my God!
00:30:01Whoo!
00:30:06I've always wanted to do that at a party.
00:30:09It looked better in my head.
00:30:11Sarah, I really like your blue hair.
00:30:14Oh.
00:30:15No, please, listen.
00:30:17The other night when we were standing by the subway, I...
00:30:23I have never met anyone like you, ever.
00:30:27I haven't been able to stop thinking about you.
00:30:33We have to go.
00:30:34No, no, no, no. Stay.
00:30:35Please.
00:30:36I mean, we'd love to hear more about how,
00:30:39after you staged this dramatic little secession,
00:30:42now you need our help.
00:30:44You're right.
00:30:45Thanks for reminding me why we left.
00:30:48Buh-bye.
00:30:50Bye. Thanks, nice party.
00:30:54Carry on.
00:30:55Explodia!
00:30:57Thanks for coming.
00:30:58I'm sure you'll be in touch about the audit.
00:31:06Here.
00:31:07You said he was here for the audit.
00:31:09He was.
00:31:10Tell me that was just to help the case.
00:31:14It was.
00:31:16For eight years, you don't date a single person.
00:31:19Not one.
00:31:20And now, you're making eyes at that guy?
00:31:23I wasn't making eyes at him.
00:31:25Were you not there when Lily was crying her guts out?
00:31:28I know.
00:31:30You think that guy's gonna be able to handle this?
00:31:33You think there's something special about him?
00:31:35Or special about you?
00:31:36That this isn't gonna go the same f***ing way it always goes?
00:31:40No, I don't.
00:31:42There's nothing.
00:31:45You're the one who wants me to have sex.
00:31:47I saw your face.
00:31:49This is about more than sex.
00:31:54I love you.
00:31:56Don't be an idiot.
00:32:04As he is in the light, we have fellowshiped with one another.
00:32:09And the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin.
00:32:16For the life of the flesh is in the blood.
00:32:19And he hath given it to you upon the altar to make an atonement for your souls.
00:32:26For it is the blood that maketh an atonement for the soul.
00:32:31He has delivered us.
00:33:02And transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved son.
00:33:08Because we have redemption.
00:33:26I think it would go faster if you, um,
00:33:28I think it would go faster if you, um,
00:33:31as well.
00:33:42I'm sorry, I thought this would be more, uh, I mean,
00:33:45I figured nobody would see us here. I mean, not nobody, but, you know.
00:33:49Yeah, that's fair.
00:33:51No, I meant if we wanted to say anything related to your case.
00:33:59Is that what we're doing here?
00:34:02Oh, yeah, absolutely. This is, uh, Auditing 101.
00:34:17So, with the donors, is it always like a sexual thing, or?
00:34:22No, I mean, it can be, but mostly they just want to be donors.
00:34:27Do you have a donor?
00:34:29No, um, I'm sorry, I think maybe we should go back.
00:34:32What, why?
00:34:33No, it just, it's fine, I just, um, I think maybe we should do this at your office.
00:34:37Oh, really?
00:34:38Yeah.
00:34:41Didn't you say that you wanted to hang out?
00:34:44Yeah, I just, it was a stupid idea, I think I just, um,
00:34:49I just thought that, you know, like, last night we had,
00:34:52and I think I just really badly misread the situation, so if, um,
00:34:56What?
00:34:57No, I just, I, I thought that maybe you liked me, which was stupid, obviously.
00:35:01I do, I do like you.
00:35:02No, you don't.
00:35:08Look, I'm, I'm sorry, I don't know why I brought these, I'm a complete spaz.
00:35:14And then I suggested the paddle boats because I thought they would be romantic, which,
00:35:20clearly they're not.
00:35:27I think if you like me, it's only because I'm a vampire.
00:35:32I mean, I know that's the most interesting thing about me.
00:35:35I'm sure it isn't the most interesting thing about you.
00:35:39Please, please, tell me something about you that is not vampire related.
00:35:47I learned two very important things from my marriage.
00:35:51Tell me.
00:35:52Don't get a facial tattoo when you're 16.
00:35:55And don't marry the guy who inks you.
00:35:58I think it's great.
00:36:01Yeah, well, I hate it, so.
00:36:04No, really.
00:36:06I think it's, uh, I think it's very cool.
00:36:11Really.
00:36:13It's like, hey everyone, I have blue hair and a tattoo on my face.
00:36:18You're like, yeah, what?
00:36:22That was the idea.
00:36:24I think you're really beautiful.
00:36:32I haven't had sex in eight years.
00:36:35Oh, I thought I was bad.
00:36:41Can I kiss you now? I really can't stop thinking about kissing you.
00:36:48Wait, you're not going to bite me, are you?
00:36:51We don't bite. It's not sanitary.
00:36:56That's right.
00:37:03Just out of curiosity, how do you extract love then?
00:37:09Landsets, razor blades, this special needle you can only get at the vet's office.
00:37:16Why is there a stuffed robot beside your bed?
00:37:21Could you not?
00:37:23What?
00:37:25Please, Mellatron.
00:37:26His name is Mellatron?
00:37:28No.
00:37:30Yes, could you just...
00:37:33I like The Bachelor, it's my favourite TV show.
00:37:36I don't think I've ever said that out loud to another human being.
00:37:43What else?
00:37:45What do you mean?
00:37:47I don't know.
00:37:48What do you want from me?
00:37:49I'm a vampire. Tell me something weirder.
00:37:52I thought we were going to have sex.
00:37:54We are.
00:38:14Is there a woman in your bedroom?
00:38:16Yes.
00:38:18I could hear you.
00:38:21I could hear you.
00:38:25Just because you have no regard for the sanctity of marriage,
00:38:30you may think that you can come into my place of work and make love to Tim
00:38:35and steal a promotion that I have been working years for,
00:38:39but this is my home.
00:38:41It is sacred.
00:38:42It is sacred.
00:38:45I'm going to take a shower.
00:38:48I'd like her to be gone by the time I'm out.
00:39:04Wait, wait, wait.
00:39:05She's my co-worker and I'm auditing you.
00:39:08What if she has seen you?
00:39:10I could be in so much trouble.
00:39:12We had sex. Do you know how much trouble I could get into?
00:39:14Sarah, Sarah.
00:39:16Are you aware of the state of the economy right now?
00:39:19Why are you being like this?
00:39:20I knew you couldn't handle it.
00:39:21I think you're blowing this out of proportion.
00:39:23You have no idea what it is like to be me.
00:39:25To have people stare at me from the second I leave my house.
00:39:28Maybe they're staring at you because you are yelling in the middle of the sidewalk.
00:39:31Hello.
00:39:32Hello.
00:39:34Hello.
00:39:35Look, can we just...
00:39:36No.
00:39:37I am not...
00:39:38Do you even like your job?
00:39:40I'm good at it.
00:39:42No, I hate it.
00:39:43Okay, is that what you want to hear?
00:39:44I loathe every second that I am there.
00:39:46Yeah, no, you're right.
00:39:47We can't have you losing that job.
00:39:49I'm sorry I panic, but it's all I have.
00:39:51Except you.
00:39:52I don't want to lose you.
00:39:53You're great. You are so beautiful.
00:39:54Would you please just stop saying that?
00:39:56It's like telling a man with a small penis how big it is.
00:39:59It's just embarrassing for everyone.
00:40:01No, look.
00:40:03That first night by the subway, this is going to sound...
00:40:06God, I don't know.
00:40:08I had this...
00:40:09It was so real.
00:40:10It was like I knew something about you, about us.
00:40:12We only just met you.
00:40:14I know. I wasn't going to say anything
00:40:16because I didn't want to sound like some lunatic stalker person.
00:40:20You know what? I don't care.
00:40:22I want to be your lunatic stalker person.
00:40:30Okay, so what?
00:40:31So you want to go out with me, but I have to be a secret?
00:40:33No, not a secret.
00:40:34Until your audit case is closed, you just probably can't stay at my place.
00:40:39And after the audit's over?
00:40:41We only just met you.
00:40:43It's fine.
00:40:47What are you doing?
00:40:48I just want to remember this moment.
00:40:53Wait!
00:40:54I thought vampires weren't supposed to...
00:40:56Maybe you're not...
00:40:58Dick, what?
00:40:59Wait, what did you call me?
00:41:08I'm sorry.
00:41:35I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
00:41:38I'm sorry.
00:42:08I'm sorry.
00:42:14My parents don't talk to me anymore, so they send me shitty presents instead.
00:42:18So this is what? A perverse pile of despair?
00:42:27Maybe you're lucky they don't talk to you.
00:42:30I had to move continents to get away from mine.
00:42:38Here.
00:42:59Junior year.
00:43:01In high school.
00:43:03I'd never had a boyfriend.
00:43:06No one had ever liked me, liked me at all.
00:43:10I wasn't pretty or funny or loud.
00:43:14I just was.
00:43:17But there was this boy, Kyle.
00:43:22He had glasses. He was nice.
00:43:25A lot of the girls were in love with him, but I was his friend.
00:43:30And so for two years, I'd watch him date other girls and talk to him about them.
00:43:37And I waited, knowing that eventually he'd realize I'd been there all along.
00:43:44I know.
00:43:48So this one day, in drama class, we were playing this game that was hide and seek, basically.
00:43:56And I found this great hiding spot way up above the stage.
00:44:02So the game went on and they found everybody except me.
00:44:07And then they started celebrating.
00:44:10Because everyone, including the teacher, including Kyle, had forgotten that I was in the class.
00:44:18Hmm.
00:44:22So on my 16th birthday, I got my driver's license.
00:44:27The next day, I got a tattoo on my face.
00:44:33I told Stas...
00:44:38I told Stas to make me look fierce.
00:44:42And I didn't know who Mike Tyson was, so that's been a thing every day since.
00:44:47Hmm.
00:44:52I figured no one would ever like me.
00:44:55But at least they wouldn't forget me.
00:45:17Okay.
00:45:47Okay.
00:46:05Oh!
00:46:08So...
00:46:12I know you probably don't want to hear this right now, but...
00:46:15I have a husband.
00:46:17Yeah?
00:46:18What the hell do I care?
00:46:21Right.
00:46:23Bye.
00:46:24Bye.
00:46:28Did you drink her blood?
00:46:38Mmm.
00:46:41I got my temp fangs from Stella yesterday.
00:46:44They're cool.
00:46:45They better be.
00:46:46Cost a fucking fortune.
00:47:02Are you guys Team Jacob or Team Robert Pattinson?
00:47:11That is a silly book and a silly movie.
00:47:15Many real vampires hide their vampire activities from people at their jobs and even their spouses.
00:47:23We are called the House of Twilight because we are working towards living in a state of twilight,
00:47:28where we can be transparent about our darker natures.
00:47:33What is your job?
00:47:35I'm a kindergarten teacher.
00:47:38Of course you are.
00:47:46What are those?
00:47:49You are not.
00:47:51I am.
00:47:52These are just a try.
00:47:54But I'm gonna go permanent.
00:47:56I got some temporary fangs for you too.
00:48:02Whoa, whoa, whoa, Sarah!
00:48:05I'm fine.
00:48:11How long has it been?
00:48:16Two weeks.
00:48:17Sarah!
00:48:18Two weeks since what?
00:48:20Since she fed.
00:48:22Wait, so you have a now?
00:48:26Is this the hunger?
00:48:30If you wanna go, go.
00:48:32No, I'm sure you can find someone who doesn't drink blood to make you feel exciting.
00:48:41Can I feed on you tonight?
00:48:43What?
00:48:45All of a sudden my blood's not too slutty for you?
00:48:50Whatever you need, baby.
00:48:54I want you to watch.
00:49:00Fine.
00:49:03Fine what?
00:49:07Fine, I will be there tonight.
00:49:14You're not supposed to be in here.
00:49:17You look absolutely beautiful.
00:49:29What's her name?
00:49:31What?
00:49:33I haven't seen you at home much since the great incident.
00:49:36You're having nightmares at work.
00:49:38I'm assuming there's a woman.
00:49:40Hey, is this someone special?
00:49:42No.
00:49:43Is she coming to the picnic?
00:49:44We'd be happy to give her a ride too.
00:49:47No, I'm not seeing anyone.
00:49:49I mean, there's no one.
00:49:51You know, I'd love a ride, Tim.
00:49:53James and I actually live together, so it'd just be the one stop.
00:49:57Oh.
00:49:58I'm not sure we'll have enough room.
00:50:00But we'll see you there, though.
00:50:03Hey.
00:50:04How's that audit coming on the vampire group?
00:50:06Oh, no.
00:50:08Oh, no.
00:50:10I mean, it's almost done. I'm just wrapping it up.
00:50:13Great.
00:50:14How about end of day on Tuesday, then?
00:50:17Oh.
00:50:19EOD, buddy, EOD.
00:50:23Great.
00:50:29I want you to know
00:50:31I'm in the middle of a theological crisis.
00:50:34Okay.
00:50:35On the one hand, I want that job.
00:50:38On the other hand,
00:50:40these vampires are doing the work of the devil here on Earth,
00:50:43so I think you catching them
00:50:47is maybe more important.
00:51:06Okay.
00:51:13Do you want to do it?
00:51:27You kneel now in a sacred place
00:51:30before all those who have gone before you on this path
00:51:34freely and willingly.
00:51:36I give you this.
00:51:38My blood.
00:52:04My blood.
00:52:24Are you sure you have to go home?
00:52:26Early morning tomorrow.
00:52:29Sarah, when you told me at the audit
00:52:31about your place of worship, that's...
00:52:35You don't have... The apartment is it, right?
00:52:38Yeah.
00:52:40So the three of you have essentially not been paying income tax
00:52:44on up to half of your income
00:52:48by donating your rent money to the church,
00:52:50which has also not been paying income tax on it?
00:52:52Yeah, but Chrissie looked all this up.
00:52:54I mean, it is our place of worship.
00:52:56Chrissie looked it up?
00:52:58Yeah.
00:53:00Good.
00:53:04Are you going to get fake fangs then?
00:53:08Or I should go.
00:53:11Do you want to hang out next weekend?
00:53:14Yeah.
00:53:15Oh, wait.
00:53:17I have this big company picnic for work.
00:53:20My boss is giving me a ride.
00:53:23Are significant others coming to this picnic?
00:53:27Um, yeah.
00:53:29Probably.
00:53:35Dinner?
00:53:37How about dinner tomorrow night?
00:53:39Yeah. Great.
00:53:43James...
00:53:45She...
00:53:48You can't handle her.
00:53:52You can't handle all this.
00:54:00See you tomorrow night.
00:54:14Hey, Faith.
00:54:16Yeah?
00:54:18If the members of the Vampire Church are all living in their church
00:54:20and are donating part of their income to help cover the rent,
00:54:22is that legal?
00:54:26No way.
00:54:28It is their church, their place of worship.
00:54:30Not if they're living there.
00:54:35You got him?
00:54:37Way to go.
00:54:39Put the nail in that coffin.
00:54:51You've been a hard man to get a hold of.
00:54:53I know. I'm sorry. It's been busy.
00:54:56Tim sent me a nice email last week.
00:54:59He says you're one of his stars.
00:55:02Yeah, actually, um...
00:55:04I think I might be in line for a promotion.
00:55:06To be promoted after such a short time.
00:55:09That wasn't a promotion.
00:55:11It was a job interview.
00:55:13Oh, I see.
00:55:15I'm sorry.
00:55:17To be promoted after such a short time.
00:55:20That would look remarkable on your CV.
00:55:23The kind of job that requires integrity.
00:55:26It's the sort of job your father never could have gotten.
00:55:29I know. Thanks, Mom.
00:55:31I am just proud to have raised a man with integrity.
00:55:36Actually, I am going on a date tonight.
00:55:39A date?
00:55:41Yeah, we've been seeing each other for a little while.
00:55:44She's, um...
00:55:46Actually, I have her.
00:55:53Well, I should let you go now.
00:55:56Did you see the picture?
00:55:58Yes.
00:56:01I really like her.
00:56:03Good. You do what you like.
00:56:07Mom, can we talk at another time?
00:56:10I mean, look at her face.
00:56:13James, that is not how I raised you.
00:56:16And don't look like that.
00:56:18Yeah.
00:56:22Well, I should let you go.
00:56:25I love you, Mom.
00:56:27I love you too.
00:56:29I know you'll do the right thing.
00:56:44♪
00:56:56♪ There are two of us on the run
00:57:02♪ Going so fast every doubt we had
00:57:05♪ Is coming undone
00:57:08♪ Falling behind with everything we left there
00:57:13♪ We held on for far too long
00:57:19♪ Now we have so many people on the road
00:57:26So, do you want to go ahead and order, or are you still waiting?
00:57:31I'll just pay for the wine.
00:57:33Yeah, no problem.
00:57:36♪ From what we know
00:57:39♪ It's not unheard of
00:57:42♪ And we'll one day
00:57:46♪ Tell the story
00:57:52♪ Of how we met
00:57:58♪ And we're dreaming
00:58:01♪ Something of ourselves now
00:58:21Sarah?
00:58:25Are you okay?
00:58:29I'm fine.
00:58:40Faith, I'm, uh...
00:58:44I'm just going to step outside for a sec.
00:58:47♪ Tell the story
00:58:53♪ Of...
00:59:07Faith?
00:59:08Yeah?
00:59:09Have you seen the case file that was on my desk?
00:59:11The vampire one?
00:59:12Yeah.
00:59:13Jim came by, picked it up.
00:59:16They might just marry you after this one.
00:59:18I'm sure you'll be very happy together.
00:59:23♪ Just keep one foot in front of the other
00:59:26♪ There's no race, no end in sight
00:59:29♪ No second too short, no window too tight
00:59:32♪ So turn off the lights when you're leaving
00:59:37♪ Cause we got everything we're gonna need
00:59:43♪ We're on the run, we're on the run
00:59:46♪ We're on the run, child
00:59:49♪ We gotta run, we gotta run
00:59:52♪ We gotta run, child
00:59:58No, Mom, I can't talk right now. I really have to...
01:00:02No, no, no, I've got a date, actually.
01:00:05Yeah.
01:00:07No, it's, uh...
01:00:19No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
01:00:49What are you doing here hurt me lately
01:00:57Not a church is the ruling
01:01:02Misappropriation of funds back taxes and fines and further investigation
01:01:13We have to get this thrown out huh, thank you Sherlock. I don't think auditors are supposed to be sleeping with their clients
01:01:20Oh
01:01:22That's got to be it
01:01:25Okay, so we're just gonna go find his boss. Tell him what happened. That's it
01:01:31Sarah I don't think you're grasping what an opportunity this is this could be our moment our
01:01:37Standing Rock our Occupy Wall Street. I see people don't want to listen to us. We'll make them listen
01:01:45We could get a bunch of vampires together all in vampire drag
01:01:49We invite the media we we bring signs make speeches
01:01:53We force those iris squares and the world to reckon with us
01:01:58real vampires
01:02:00Disrupt iris picnic in an act of civil disobedience
01:02:03Absolutely, not just us no press no moment, okay?
01:02:08Vampire drag is good though. Let's give James something to remember
01:02:38Oh
01:02:40Oh
01:03:07Hey Jimbo
01:03:10Hey, thank you
01:03:40Oh
01:03:52Your parents and I had the craziest night in Oxford one night
01:03:58We were at this bar, and it was packed man. I mean you could hardly move and we were wasted
01:04:06Don't tell your mom. I told you that hi Tim Pam James. How was the ride was it good?
01:04:14Turns out the queue isn't running so I had to take a bus to another bus to the 7 train
01:04:19But anyway, I made it. Oh and Tim. I invited my whole prayer group, so that's okay
01:04:26They love potato salad
01:04:31Hey you guys must be confused
01:04:34Halloween is in October
01:04:45Hey
01:04:52My name is Sarah Woods I
01:04:56Belong to the house of Twilight. We are a collective of independent vampires I
01:05:02I drink human blood because I feel weak without it. Oh
01:05:07Hey, don't talk to her like that
01:05:14We have been under investigation by the irs. We have just received a ruling that we are not a legitimate church
01:05:20We reject this ruling because we believe that it is based on prejudice
01:05:24but beyond that we request that the ruling be thrown out because
01:05:28Go on
01:05:30Do it
01:05:32Tell him tell me what do it. I knew it don't do it James
01:05:37You've wandered, but you're not lost. I can save you we can save you
01:05:42No faith
01:05:43This way you get the promotion you deserve it. This is about something much bigger than a promotion now
01:05:51This is about
01:05:53Jesus
01:05:56Is there some convention I didn't hear about
01:06:01Reboats
01:06:03Sorry, baby, this is bigger than you
01:06:10Up until this moment you've all lived safe little lives
01:06:15When I say I'm a vampire you think I'm crazy. We have tried
01:06:20Rational means to explain it to you. We have made videos available on YouTube
01:06:24But today you'll wonder if maybe just maybe there are things in this world that cannot be explained
01:06:38You cannot glamour us you spawn of Satan by the glory of God
01:06:55I
01:06:59Made a massive mistake
01:07:02No, I didn't I hadn't no no my boss. He saw it on my desk, and I hadn't but no it doesn't matter
01:07:08I'm an idiot. I panicked
01:07:11The power of Christ compels you
01:07:14the power of Christ
01:07:18Stop it leave her alone
01:07:25What you have to do tell me what I need to do
01:07:36Tim
01:07:37I was dating this woman the entire time. I was investigating her. You should fire me
01:07:43No
01:07:44better yet, I quit I
01:07:48Quit
01:07:50I
01:07:55Know it's not your fault, buddy. We'll talk about it on Monday
01:08:20I
01:08:33Just thought maybe if I was a vampire to need you to be a vampire James
01:08:43Dude you should hear yourself
01:08:46You think she wants to be with you?
01:08:49Excuse me pal. Hey this chick paid to drink my blood for eight and a half years after our divorce
01:08:55And you think she wants to be with you?
01:09:02You just go
01:09:09Okay, no problem, I'll go
01:09:14I'll go see you next Sunday
01:09:33I trusted you wait Sarah listen I
01:09:39I
01:09:41Understand if you want to leave I am a complete disaster and I don't know much about anything, but I know that I want you
01:09:51That's the decision I want to make I love you no you don't you don't
01:09:57You
01:10:07This Justin a group has taken responsibility for the event they call themselves real vampires
01:10:13Sound unusual it is I
01:10:17Have seen them
01:10:20Vampires are real. I will be releasing an official statement on Monday, but I believe we will be throwing out the case
01:10:28That's it. We will be pursuing charges for disturbance of peace and destruction of personal property
01:10:39What the hell was that Sarah we're all over the news I said no vampires
01:10:47This is Steve we were just having a very stimulating theological discussion
01:11:04This is Mellotron, I'm sorry I'm late. I'm sorry. I'm late. I'm sorry
01:11:10I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry
01:11:14This is Mellotron, he's my robot and he makes me feel less alone when I'm lonely
01:11:28Sarah
01:11:33Sarah
01:11:38But they're gonna throw the case out
01:11:41I'm sorry, Sarah. Okay, everything is about you
01:11:49You know, you forced us all out because it's what you wanted well, I just want to live my life
01:11:55What happened with James nothing happened with James. She's not angry about him. Of course. She is
01:12:01Then he quit his job for her. He's a mundane who cares if he's a mundane. I love him
01:12:10I
01:12:20Became obsessed with
01:12:23Tasting it like if a friend had a cut or something I would just stare at the blood
01:12:31The first time I tasted blood I was 22 it felt like how different and how outside of everyone I'd always felt
01:12:40Like maybe there was a reason
01:12:43I'm a vampire. I am a vampire. I enjoy being a vampire on evenings and weekends
01:12:53But I'm also a life insurance salesman a
01:12:58Muslim a father a karaoke Queen
01:13:02before this video
01:13:04You looked at me and saw a Muslim
01:13:07Now you look at me and see a vampire
01:13:10But the truth is much more complicated than any of that
01:13:15All I am is me
01:13:21Okay, come in, okay
01:13:26I
01:13:36Had that that vision or whatever you said you had by the subway I I had that
01:13:43But the thing is that I don't actually believe that that sort of thing happens
01:13:46you know, like when people say they knew I always say like no you knew in retrospect, but
01:13:52When I met you
01:13:55And I'm with you I think about what our kids are gonna look like
01:13:59but
01:14:00That's not who I am James. I
01:14:03drink blood
01:14:05And with you if if someone put a gun to my head and said you can have him or you can be
01:14:14I don't know. I don't want you to make that choice. You make me want everything. I thought I was better than you know
01:14:22You make me feel like all that garbage might be enough me too you made me want that garbage, too
01:14:33It's fine
01:14:35Everything will be fine
01:14:38You don't know that I
01:14:42Believe it well, I don't know
01:14:46I
01:15:16I
01:15:46It's
01:16:17I
01:16:29Sometimes it feels it never
01:16:32Ever
01:16:44Monstrous
01:16:49Monstrous
01:17:02Monstrous
01:17:21Worse than any creature at the monster
01:17:23Oh
01:17:25When you fall
01:17:31Monstrous
01:17:36Monstrous
01:17:38Monstrous
01:18:08Monstrous
01:18:17Monstrous lovers if you trouble do you just down
01:18:22Monstrous lovers will grab a shovel and bring you back around
01:18:38You'll be so glad you found
01:18:45Monstrous lovers