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Thank you so much for being part of this community!
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TVTranscript
00:00I'll see you next time.
00:30I'll see you next time.
01:00Hmm. Did you get the death certificate?
01:03Of course I did.
01:04You can't claim his insurance without the death certificate.
01:07You buried your mother's with her.
01:08I know I didn't.
01:09You had to dig her up to prove she was dead, remember?
01:11Of course I did.
01:12Is this where he lived then?
01:14Ground floor flat.
01:16I don't know if you'd like to come in.
01:17Of course we would.
01:19Move it, Violet.
01:20We've got to be quick, you see, or his niece will get all the best stuff.
01:23Ah.
01:25Are you coming in for a...
01:26We certainly are.
01:28Come on, Neville.
01:29I get no beggars medals before we do.
01:31Found floor, do you say?
01:41Yes.
01:42Ooh, is this his bicycle?
01:44No, it's my daughter's.
01:45Oh.
01:46Oh, come on, Neville.
01:49Ooh.
01:51Here.
01:52Hold this.
01:54Don't argue.
01:58Yes, I must say, he was a game old chap.
02:01We didn't always see eye to eye, of course.
02:03We didn't get any premium bonds, Sidney.
02:05Right.
02:05In fact, we quite often agreed to differ.
02:07Family's entitled to the premium bonds.
02:08Oh, quite.
02:09But all in all, we...
02:10I think we had a German helmet somewhere.
02:12Is that sherry?
02:12Yes.
02:13Oh, thank you.
02:13Got on quite well.
02:15Here, are these any good?
02:19They might do for your father.
02:21A sad time for you all.
02:23Still, it was a lovely funeral.
02:25Lots of flowers.
02:27What?
02:27A very nice service.
02:29No, not really.
02:30Two of the cups are cracked.
02:31Here, this is quite great, Missy.
02:33Ah.
02:34You were his landlord, weren't you?
02:36Yes.
02:37Yes.
02:37He was here when I bought the place, a sitting tenant.
02:40Didn't expect him to last long.
02:41Well, he was 67, then.
02:4385.
02:44Yes, I know.
02:46Here.
02:47No chance of a rent rebate, is there?
02:49He did pop off in the middle of the week, you know.
02:51As a matter of fact, he owed me two months.
02:53Perhaps you'd like to...
02:53This is no time to talk about money.
02:55No.
02:57Sorry.
02:59Well, I'll leave you alone with your grief.
03:03Where are you going with that?
03:06It's been very pleasant meeting you all.
03:07I'm taking it home, it's been where you are.
03:09Oh, no, no.
03:09I'm sorry.
03:10We must do it again.
03:11Oh, no, no.
03:11That is it.
03:12Sometime.
03:12I'll say cheerio, then.
03:16No, you don't.
03:17My grand.
03:18No.
03:18No.
03:18That's going...
03:19Cheerio.
03:19We're still taking that funeral.
03:20Don't push that at me.
03:26Careful.
03:26What are you doing?
03:29It's a nice bit of stair carpet, this.
03:30Worth having.
03:31Belongs to me.
03:32Well, you're not even related.
03:33No, but I live upstairs, and that's my carpet.
03:36Oh.
03:36Well, what about the under felt, then?
03:38Mine.
03:38And that's my wallpaper, my banister rail, and my floorboards.
03:41All right.
03:42All right.
03:42All right.
03:44I'll come back tomorrow for the furniture, then.
03:46By all means.
03:47And that was my sherry.
03:49Hello, darling.
04:04Going somewhere?
04:06Yes, yes.
04:06Am I on the right road for the M4?
04:09Straight through the kitchen, left of the cooker.
04:11You can't miss it.
04:13I had to bring it up, but there'd be no spokes left.
04:16They're like a swarm of locusts down there.
04:18Oh, dear.
04:18How was the funeral?
04:20Hilarious.
04:20I haven't enjoyed myself so much since the light bulb went.
04:25Can't you stop her doing that?
04:28She'll get dandruff of the gums.
04:31Susan?
04:33Stop enjoying yourself.
04:34Your father's here.
04:35Oh.
04:36Hi.
04:38Did you see him off okay?
04:40See?
04:40He wasn't going on a day trip to Blackpool.
04:43See?
04:43There's no respect for old age these days.
04:45Oh, I respect you, Dad.
04:47That old man down there, or up there, whatever, fought in both world wars.
04:52He made England what it is today.
04:55Still, we mustn't hold it against them.
04:58He once offered me a wine gum if I showed him my knickers.
05:01Did you know about that?
05:05No.
05:05I wish I had.
05:07I like wine gums.
05:11And did you?
05:12How could I?
05:12I never wear the things.
05:14Anyone want coffee?
05:15Um, yes, please.
05:16There's a new jar of instant.
05:18It's your father's turn to stick his finger through the top.
05:20Okay.
05:22It's another world.
05:23Oh, none of the young girls wear much underwear these days.
05:26When you were her age.
05:27It was different then.
05:28It was safer.
05:29By the time I got through your duffel coat, your cardigan, your camisole, your corset, and your liberty bodies,
05:34I was too exhausted to do it.
05:38Here you go.
05:39Big thrill time.
05:43Oh, that always makes me think of Clint Eastwood.
05:49Why?
05:50Why?
05:51I don't like to ask.
05:52It's another world.
05:56Shouldn't Jackie be home by now?
05:58She stopped off at the off-license.
06:01They're, um, thinking of having a party.
06:04Why didn't they tell me?
06:05I'd have said no.
06:06That's why.
06:06They can't have a party.
06:08You can't have a party on the day of a funeral.
06:10Why not?
06:10Well, I mean, why not?
06:13Because it's disrespectful.
06:14Because it's disrespectful.
06:16Oh, don't talk rubbish, Dudley.
06:17We just want to celebrate.
06:19Celebrate what?
06:20Well, the fact that we can have a party.
06:22When old Fenster was down there, he always used to phone up the police and complain about the noise.
06:27Did he ever offer you a wine gum?
06:30No, did he ever offer you one?
06:31If I'd had knickers on you, would it?
06:35I think I'll work this out later.
06:37All I'm saying is it's not right to have a party tonight.
06:39That is my considered judgment.
06:41Then we'll just have to appeal to a higher court.
06:44Leave your mother out of this.
06:46Listen to that.
07:07And you wonder why I've got grey hair.
07:09It's hereditary, you know.
07:11I've got mine off my children.
07:12I can smell something.
07:17It's pot.
07:19Muriel, move.
07:20Can you smell it?
07:21What?
07:22Smell what?
07:22The pot.
07:23The pot.
07:24We haven't had a pot for years.
07:25No, not.
07:27Not.
07:28Not that.
07:29That.
07:30Don't breathe in.
07:31We'll have second-hand hallucinations.
07:33Dudley, you've no idea what pot smells like.
07:36You've never smoked it.
07:38Well, no, but have you?
07:40It's all we ever do down at the WVS.
07:44Oh, dear.
07:45It's a sort of sweet, sickly smell.
07:53It's you.
07:58It's called Romantic Nights.
08:00Oh, yeah.
08:01God knows why.
08:02Do you think I should do something about it?
08:04That might be nice.
08:06Go down and see if they're all right.
08:08You worry too much.
08:10I do not.
08:11You do.
08:11They're 17 and 21,
08:13and you've still got baby alarms over their beds.
08:16I haven't got round to taking them down yet.
08:19You only put them up last year.
08:21All they're doing down there
08:23is exactly what we did at their age.
08:25Yes, I'm going down.
08:29Don't worry.
08:30Oh, what was it last week?
08:32Oh, yes.
08:33You were fretting about Jackie marrying an Eskimo
08:36who'd set her adrift on an iceberg
08:38if she didn't give him suns.
08:39These things happen.
08:41Not in Highgate.
08:44Hampstead, yes, but not in Highgate.
08:46You've got to let them grow up, Dudley.
08:48They're both bigger than me already.
08:50Not if you wear your built-up shoes.
08:52I can't wear them.
08:53It's like walking downhill all the time.
08:55I totter into shops like Frankenstein's monster.
08:59I fell in a deep freeze once.
09:02Little legs kicking.
09:06Listen.
09:08What?
09:09Nothing.
09:11I can't hear anything.
09:12That's it.
09:13Nothing.
09:15No music.
09:16What are they doing down there that's so absorbing
09:18they haven't got time to put another record on?
09:20Probably they're changing the needle.
09:22I can't stand it.
09:23I'm going to have to go down and see if they're OK.
09:34Yes, well...
09:36Yes, I suppose I'm changing the needle.
09:39Where have you been for the last 50 years?
09:41Looking for a perfume that'll get you going.
09:43Ah.
09:45Actually, I quite like that one.
09:47What is it again?
09:49Romantic nights.
09:51Getting turned on.
09:52Mm-hmm.
09:53Then turn the light off.
09:54Mm-hmm.
09:59What?
10:02I'm sorry.
10:04But I keep on thinking about your little legs.
10:07Thinking out of...
10:08Do you freeze?
10:10I've melted off their fish fingers.
10:13Oh, my God.
10:14Oh, my God.
10:15Oh, my God.
10:16Oh, my God.
10:17Oh, my God.
10:19Oh, my God.
10:20Oh, my God.
10:20Oh, my God.
10:21Sorry.
10:22Sorry.
10:23Someone had the same idea as we did.
10:24Carry on.
10:30Right.
10:31Right.
10:31That is it.
10:33That is it.
10:35This party's gone on long enough.
10:37Old wine gum downstairs had the right idea.
10:39Were you phoning?
10:40Hello, police.
10:41I wish to report a noisy party.
10:43Yes, yes.
10:44I got that, Sarge.
10:4533 Highgate Avenue.
10:47Complaint.
10:48Noisy party.
10:49Right.
10:50I'll be round there before you know it.
10:51ark trusted, Texas.
10:53I'll be round here before you know it.
11:01Oh, my God.
11:02Oh, my God.
11:34Oh, look at that.
11:36How can I type an advert for a flat without tea?
11:38Oh, it's coming. It's coming.
11:40The letter T. Broken off.
11:42Give me some other words for flat.
11:44Um, boyish figure?
11:47Self-contained boyish figure to let.
11:49Own entrance.
11:51I don't think so.
11:52No.
11:55Breakfast!
11:56Ground floor room.
11:59Kitchen.
12:00Another word for kitchen.
12:02Uh, kitchenette?
12:04No.
12:07I wonder if Shakespeare had this problem.
12:09I bet his typewriter worked.
12:11What's that?
12:15Share bath... bathroom.
12:18Oh, leave it for now. Your breakfast's ready.
12:20Uh-huh. I can see the bread and bit.
12:23Morning.
12:24Morning.
12:26Oh, watch out for the ribbon. It sticks in your teeth.
12:28What?
12:32What time did you break up last night?
12:34Oh, about half two.
12:35Some miserable devil phoned the police.
12:38Still, that was late enough.
12:40Quite right. Your mother was frantic with worry.
12:43When are you having the operation?
12:44What operation?
12:45To remove that thing from your ear.
12:47I can take a heavy-handed hint.
12:49If we'd been meant to have music at breakfast, fried eggs would sing.
12:54Morning, all.
12:55Morning.
12:56Come on in. They're all right.
12:57Tony, this is my mum and dad.
12:59He missed his last bus, so he stayed the night.
13:01Oh, very sensible.
13:02Oh.
13:03Do you like bacon, Tony?
13:04Just... just a minute.
13:08Where did he sleep?
13:10Probably in the spare room.
13:11Oh.
13:12We haven't got a spare room.
13:14He slept in my room.
13:16Whereabouts?
13:16In my bed. Where else?
13:19All right.
13:22Now, listen to me.
13:24I may be old-fashioned.
13:26I am old-fashioned, but this is my house.
13:29I have a young daughter of...
13:31Nearly 18.
13:32Just over 17.
13:33And whilst I have nothing against you personally, young lady,
13:36I cannot possibly approve of this...
13:38this sort of behaviour under my own roof.
13:41My own roof!
13:42And then to stroll down the morning after empty bar and breakfast.
13:47I consider it reprehensible.
13:49Is that clear?
13:50I doubt it he doesn't speak English.
13:53Anyway, she slept with me in my bed.
13:56Oh, you've got a filthy mind, Dad.
13:59Yes, well...
14:01Let's start the day again, shall we?
14:09Good morning!
14:11Good boy.
14:13Me parece que tu parles de algo loco?
14:16What?
14:19What's he mean, loco?
14:20Er, he wants to know if you collect train numbers.
14:23Yes, yes, yes.
14:26Ah, well, erm, I used to.
14:30When I was a kid, what part of the world is he from?
14:34Hampstead.
14:36Probably as an Eskimo.
14:38Don't marry him until you've learnt to swim.
14:40I don't intend to get married.
14:42Why not?
14:43Oh, no-one gets married these days.
14:44Your father and I are seriously thinking of it.
14:58The room.
14:59Sniff, sniff, sniff.
14:59Ski, sniff, sniff, sniff.
15:02Clump, clump, clump, clump, clump, clump, clump, clump.
15:05That is the sound of a bionic bulldog falling downstairs.
15:10What else?
15:11Oh, why aren't I on a beach in Barbados plucking dusky maidens off the trees?
15:15Because you've got work to do.
15:16Work.
15:18I should have been a farmer.
15:19A small farmer.
15:21With built-up gumboots.
15:22There's a certain excitement.
15:24There's a certain excitement and challenge in growing turnips,
15:28milking the sheep and the hens.
15:29That would be a challenge.
15:32I shouldn't be drawing bionic bulldogs at my age.
15:35Napoleon didn't invade France until he was 46.
15:38Oh, well, that's the answer.
15:40Soon as I finish that page, I'll invade France.
15:42Me and my bionic bulldog.
15:45Shh.
15:46Hello?
15:48Yes?
15:49In the newsagent's window?
15:51Oh, yes.
15:53Uh, well, any time, really.
15:56Um, will you be in at two o'clock?
15:58Possibly.
15:59Depends on how quickly Paris falls.
16:01Yes, that's fine.
16:03Two o'clock, then.
16:04See you then.
16:05Bye.
16:06Oh, that was quick.
16:08What?
16:09Jackie only put the card in this morning on her way to work.
16:12And Miss, um, Whitlock, I think, wants to look at the flat.
16:17Money.
16:18That's what I need.
16:20It's the one thing that stops a cruel world from shouting,
16:22Oi, bugger lugs, in your ear.
16:26How much have we got in the bank?
16:28I don't know.
16:29I haven't shaken it lately.
16:32That'll be her again.
16:34Changed her mind.
16:35Probably allergic to bionic bulldogs.
16:38Hello, field headquarters.
16:39Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.
16:43No.
16:43Uh, oh, yes, this is it.
16:45Oh, well, uh, 2.15ish?
16:48Would that suit you?
16:49Hmm, this afternoon, yeah.
16:50Fine.
16:51I'll see you then.
16:52Yeah, bye.
16:53Another one, a man.
16:54Hmm.
16:55I'll have to postpone the invasion.
16:58Oh, I do hope we get someone nice.
17:00Right.
17:01You'd never recognise old Fenster from his death notice.
17:04Beloved uncle of blah, blah, blah.
17:06Hmm.
17:07Isn't it strange?
17:08How people always die in alphabetical order.
17:11LAUGHTER
17:12LAUGHTER
17:12LAUGHTER
17:13LAUGHTER
17:15LAUGHTER
17:16LAUGHTER
17:17Yes, a charming old chap.
17:22We all miss his cheery grunt in the morning.
17:24Yeah.
17:26Careful with that.
17:27It might be Wedgwood.
17:29You won't see this pension book, will you?
17:31I think he had to hand it in when he died.
17:34Yeah.
17:36Do you want a wine gum?
17:37Certainly not.
17:39LAUGHTER
17:40LAUGHTER
17:40LAUGHTER
17:41Mr. Rush, I phoned this morning.
17:44Oh, yeah.
17:45Oh, yes, come in.
17:46Uh, this is the flat.
17:47It's a bit of a mess at the moment.
17:49I don't think I...
17:49Oh, sorry.
17:50I don't think I'll bother taking the bed.
17:52Fine.
17:53Let's hope he didn't stuff his money in the mattress.
17:55Shall we go upstairs?
17:56LAUGHTER
17:56Take the bed.
17:57LAUGHTER
18:01Do sit down, Miss Whitlock, is it?
18:06Whiplash.
18:07Whiplash?
18:08Miss Whiplash, yes.
18:10Ah.
18:10Um, what, um...
18:12What profession are you in, Miss...
18:14I'm a personal masseuse.
18:16Corrective therapy, manipulation, relief, that sort of thing.
18:19Ah.
18:21While you wait.
18:22Yes, yes.
18:22LAUGHTER
18:23I always say the customer comes first.
18:26Quite.
18:26Are you, um...
18:30Um...
18:31Medically qualified?
18:33Regularly.
18:34Regularly.
18:34I pay tax and everything.
18:36Well, not so much tax as fines, but...
18:39It's taken.
18:39The flat, it's taken.
18:41Already, but I...
18:42Well, it happened suddenly.
18:43Um, um...
18:44An Arab phoned.
18:46And I thought,
18:47balance of payments.
18:49Keep well in with them.
18:49So I thought...
18:50Yes?
18:51I rang about the flat.
18:52So you did.
18:53Um...
18:53Come in, Abdul.
18:55I'm terribly sorry to have wasted your time, Miss...
18:57Um...
18:58Cheerio.
19:00She did personal massage.
19:02Oh, I could come back later.
19:04What?
19:04No, no, no.
19:06No, sit down.
19:07No, wait.
19:08What do you do for a living?
19:09I'm a professional artist.
19:11Oh, God.
19:12So am I.
19:14In a way.
19:16Children's comics.
19:17It's not really art, I suppose.
19:19No.
19:19No.
19:20Still, Napoleon didn't invade France until he was 46.
19:24Well, but is that?
19:25Do you work in oils or watercolours?
19:27Dayglo paints.
19:27Poster paints.
19:28I paint nudes, you see.
19:30Nudes?
19:30You mean women?
19:31Hmm.
19:31And poster paints don't mark the, uh, flesh.
19:34The flesh.
19:34Right.
19:35I paint the model, you see.
19:37Then she rolls around on a greasy canvas.
19:38I'm with you.
19:41As a matter of fact,
19:42if you know of any young models in the area,
19:44I'd be willing to pay quite a lot of money for any sort of...
19:46No.
19:46No, no.
19:47What's the light like downstairs?
19:49Terrible, terrible.
19:50Well, he sounds absolutely perfect.
19:53Yes.
19:54I couldn't get rid of him.
19:56He threatened to report me to the race relations board.
19:59Said I was prejudiced because he wasn't black.
20:01Oh, dear.
20:03Did anyone else phone?
20:04I took it off the hook.
20:05Well, God knows what the next one might have been.
20:08With my luck, probably an Eskimo.
20:11What have you got against Eskimos?
20:13You won't ask that when Jackie's floating around the Arctic with her 15 daughters.
20:17Oh, shit!
20:18Yes, sir.
20:21Actually, I do know a young girl who'd like to rent the flat.
20:24If I had a swimming pool, it'd burn down.
20:29You do?
20:30She comes from a very nice family,
20:32but she's at the age when she wants to spread her wings a bit.
20:35You know, get away from home.
20:37Do I know her?
20:37Oh, yes.
20:39She's your daughter.
20:42I know what you're going to say.
20:44Don't be ridiculous.
20:45That was it.
20:47At least it would keep it in the family.
20:49I can't be my own daughter's landlord,
20:51and you can't afford it.
20:51Oh, I can if I can find a friend to share and pay half the rent.
20:55Hi!
20:56Now, look.
20:59When was all this worked out?
21:00Tonight.
21:01It wouldn't work.
21:01Well, you could knock our two bedrooms into one and have a super studio.
21:04No, no, I'm sorry.
21:05It's all very...
21:07I could, couldn't I?
21:09And there's another plus.
21:10You'd get to sleep with their landlady.
21:12At least we'd know who was in the flat.
21:23And we could keep an eye on them.
21:25With boyfriends and that.
21:26You could put a fireman's pole in.
21:30One whiff of aftershave,
21:31and you could be down there in two seconds.
21:33What do you think?
21:34Well, they do get under our feet.
21:38They'd be under our feet down there.
21:40Yes.
21:41Bringing up a child is like flying a kite.
21:46You let the string out bit by bit until suddenly there it is,
21:51floating free, all on its own.
21:54Yes, I see that.
21:57How do you mean?
21:58I think you should let them have it.
22:01Yes.
22:03Yes.
22:04All right.
22:04We'll give it a try.
22:05That's great.
22:06Thanks, Dad.
22:07We'll decorate it with everything.
22:08That thing isn't two ways, is it?
22:13It is if you press the little switch.
22:15How do you think we learnt the facts of life?
22:22In the dustbin.
22:24El dustbin-o.
22:26Out there, okay?
22:28Ah, buenas tardes, senor.
22:29¿Se encuentro mejor hoy?
22:30Absolutely.
22:31And if wet, in the scout's hut.
22:32Susan.
22:34I've just been to the newsagent
22:36to take the card out the window.
22:37Yes.
22:38It wasn't in, and he said he'd never even heard...
22:39Excuse me.
22:41Oh, hello there.
22:42Miss, what's she doing here?
22:45Oh, helping us decorate.
22:46That's Angela.
22:47She works in the bank with Jackie.
22:48Just a minute.
22:49I don't know.
22:51What?
22:51What about him?
22:53Well, that's David, her husband.
22:54He's the assistant manager.
22:55We had to put you off renting it to somebody else.
22:58There are times when I feel like a crumb
23:11at the bottom of the great biscuit tin of life.
23:14I love you.