Dr. Zhana Vrangalova joins WIRED to answer the internet's burning questions about dating. What's the best way to deal with rejection? How can you know if your standards are too high or if you're settling? Why do people tolerate situationships? Is physical attraction more important than emotional attraction? Can you grow into loving someone? What's a fu*kboy? Answers to these questions and many more await on Dating Support.
Director: Justin Wolfson
Director of Photography: Chris Eustache
Editor: Paul Tael
Expert: Dr. Zhana Vrangalova
Line Producer: Joseph Buscemi
Associate Producer: Brandon White
Production Manager: Peter Brunette
Production Coordinator: Rhyan Lark
Casting Producer: Nicholas Sawyer
Camera Operator: Constantine Economides
Sound Mixer: Mariya Chulichkova
Production Assistant: Sonia Butt
Post Production Supervisor: Christian Olguin
Supervising Editor: Erica DeLeo
Additional Editor: Jason Malizia; Samantha DiVito
Assistant Editor: Billy Ward
Director: Justin Wolfson
Director of Photography: Chris Eustache
Editor: Paul Tael
Expert: Dr. Zhana Vrangalova
Line Producer: Joseph Buscemi
Associate Producer: Brandon White
Production Manager: Peter Brunette
Production Coordinator: Rhyan Lark
Casting Producer: Nicholas Sawyer
Camera Operator: Constantine Economides
Sound Mixer: Mariya Chulichkova
Production Assistant: Sonia Butt
Post Production Supervisor: Christian Olguin
Supervising Editor: Erica DeLeo
Additional Editor: Jason Malizia; Samantha DiVito
Assistant Editor: Billy Ward
Category
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TechTranscript
00:00I'm Dr. Zhanna Vrangalova, a relationships consultant and professor of human sexuality,
00:04and today I'm here to answer your questions from the internet. This is Dating Support.
00:12All right, let's see. First thing first asks, is it true that guys are no longer approaching
00:18women in public? It is. And you could argue for better or worse. I would argue it's for the worse
00:24because humans evolved to interact with each other in person. And while dating apps are great,
00:32they are one of the many tools in the toolbox, we should not forget about that organic way of
00:38meeting people that can happen on the street, at the coffee shop, at the gym, that is often a lot
00:43more magical when it happens than when you're on a dating app. But because of partially dating apps,
00:50partially also because of greater awareness around sexual harassment, sexual abuse,
00:56especially post-Me Too, there's more realizations that the way people have approached, especially
01:02the way men often approach women in these non-designated flirting areas, can come across
01:09in a way that makes women feel unsafe. And I would love it if we brought it back, but in a way that
01:16does not make people feel unsafe or threatened. Life with Nye asks, how important is physical
01:24attraction versus emotional attraction? For a long-term relationship, emotional attraction is
01:29really, really important. That's what sustains us over the long term, the trust, the connection,
01:36the intimacy, all of that is really important to have. So if you're going to date someone for a long
01:40time, if you're going to marry them, have kids with them, settle down, make sure you have emotional
01:44attraction and connection. Now the physical attraction is a bit more of an, it depends.
01:49It's really, really important for some people and far less important to other people. It's also
01:55something that's a lot more important in the beginning of the relationship. It often gets people
01:59excited about each other, but then over time, it's just not that important. And it's important to
02:04remember that physical attraction can increase the more you like the person, the more emotional
02:10attraction exists between you two. Actual Parsnip says, change my view. Dating is generally far
02:17easier for women than it is for men. This is an interesting one. The truth is a little bit of
02:23both. On one hand, dating is easier for women in terms of meeting potential partners. Women get
02:29approached a lot more. If you're on the dating apps, you have so many more options. So it's definitely
02:35easier to meet someone and go on a date. On the other hand, women often don't get what they actually
02:42are looking for because many of these men who are approaching women are looking for something that the
02:48women are not actually looking for. Casual sex versus romantic relationships. And also, can you get
02:54the high quality romantic relationship that you want? That's often something that women don't get.
02:59And so if you are a man who's looking for a long-term relationship, oftentimes you can have a pretty
03:06good experience and a lot of options to choose from because a lot of the other guys being on offer
03:13are not offering that. A Reddit user asks, are situationships really changing the dating game?
03:19And why do people put up with them? So first, what is a situationship? It's one of these ongoing
03:25sexual and maybe even romantic relationships, but that don't really have a clear definition
03:31and there's no clear commitment around them. If you don't want to get stuck in a situationship,
03:38then don't allow it to happen. I mean, situationships exist because usually they work for one person
03:44who's happy to have that sort of undefined state of being, and they usually don't work for the other
03:50person who would like to have a bit more definition, but they're just not getting it and for one reason
03:56or another putting up with it. And you could argue it's not really ethical if one person knows that
04:02the other person is not really enjoying and loving this situationship to keep it going. But on the other
04:08hand, everybody has responsibility in this. If it's not working out for you, you also have the
04:13responsibility to say it's not working. One person can't have all of the responsibility. They also can't
04:18be mind readers. That's why communication is so important. Talk to each other. 123mando1 asks,
04:25does anyone have tips on how to handle rejection in a healthy way? First and foremost, accept rejection
04:31gracefully. It's never fun to get rejected, but it's also part of life and we have to learn how to
04:36take it in stride. Try not to take it personally. Very often it's not personal. It has to do with not
04:44being compatible, not being the right time or simply other circumstances. So be compassionate
04:51toward yourself, feel your feelings, but don't go too hard on yourself. A Reddit user asks,
04:57should you always trust your gut? This might sound like old wives tales, but the gut is actually a real
05:04thing when it comes to our connection to the brain. It's sort of like a second brain because it actually
05:11has over a hundred million neurons inside the gut and they are connected through the vagus nerve.
05:17It takes in information and in those moments of fight or flight, when something is off, it can tell
05:23us get out of that situation. Or if something feels good and right, it can also pull us toward that
05:29situation. So don't ignore the gut. If the gut is saying, get out of here, then probably there's
05:35something off about that person. That said, the gut is not all you should be paying attention to
05:40because there are other pieces of information that the gut cannot take in and process. And for that,
05:44you need your brain. So make the brain and the gut work together with each other when deciding who's
05:49a good potential partner and who's not. A Reddit user asks, why are men much more willing to have
05:55casual sex than women? Oh boy, this is a big question. That's a big answer. Two big pieces of that
06:01answer. There are evolutionary biological differences between men and women, and there are sociocultural
06:08reasons why this is happening. On an evolutionary biological basis, there are very obvious differences
06:14in a reproductive anatomy and physiology. Men make lots and lots of sperm. They can easily deposit that
06:23sperm in as many vaginas as they have access to and make lots and lots of babies. Then they don't have
06:30to put in any amount of effort into doing anything to have that baby be born, potentially survive,
06:37and so on. They can literally do the bam, wham, thank you, ma'am, and that's it. Now, that might not be in
06:43the best interest of that kid, and there's a whole conversation around, well, if you don't put in any
06:49effort beyond the bam, wham, thank you, ma'am, is that kid actually going to make it? In general, there is a much
06:56lower what's called minimum parental investment that men need to put in in order for a baby to be
07:03born. Females, on the other hand, have a very different math when it comes to sex, and for women,
07:09having sex often meant getting pregnant, and that carried the cost of pregnancy for nine months,
07:16breastfeeding for usually about two, maybe three years, and during that time, you can really be
07:22having or making new babies, and so there's a very different cost of reproduction, which plays into
07:29the way we think about having these more casual contexts for sex. The interesting thing that has
07:38happened over the last 50 or so years and more and more as we have developed all of these new ways of
07:45interacting in society, greater gender equality, greater access of women to economic means and
07:53political power, and greater independence, as well as the access to birth control and decoupling,
08:00basically, of sex from reproduction, what we have now is a situation that has never really existed
08:08before in the history of humanity, and that is that sex no longer has to lead to pregnancy,
08:16so women have that luxury of having casual sex that does not lead to that potentially unintended
08:23consequence. Lady Minx and I asked, also in the context of dating, what on earth is orbiting? This is
08:29like a whole other language. It is. If you just look at what's happened to the dating language over the
08:35last five to ten years, we have so many terms that we never had before, for better or worse. So what
08:41is orbiting? Orbiting is when someone that you either was dating or started to date, or maybe even you were
08:48in a serious relationship with, and that ended, and they stopped communicating with you directly, so no more
08:54texts or calls or seeing each other, but they still kind of stay connected with you on social media
09:01usually. So they will like your posts, they are following you, they are viewing your stories,
09:08following your activity, so they kind of keep you in their orbit, but without actually having any kind
09:14of meaningful communication, which to a lot of people can be distressing because you feel like
09:21there's no closure. Speckrex asks, can we define the term f*** boy? It's an important term. A f*** boy is
09:27someone typically male who likes to pursue multiple sexual relationships simultaneously, not really put
09:34in a lot of or any emotional commitment into them, which in and of itself is not necessarily a bad
09:39thing, but the key piece about the f*** boy is that he usually does it with some lying and cheating and
09:45not being honest about his intentions, so there's manipulation, which is why it's often a disparaging
09:51kind of term. Ashley Grossman asks, how do you decide in a relationship what is a deal breaker?
09:57By knowing yourself and what matters to you. Everybody is different, what is going to matter
10:02for them versus other people. You want to think about what are your core values that matter to you
10:08long term. For some people it will be religion or politics or how you approach money or whether you
10:14want children or not or how you want to deal with family. So make sure that you are on the same page
10:19on those issues. Other things like behavioral patterns, like what kind of health behaviors do
10:25engage in? Are there any addiction issues, abuse, dishonesty, communication patterns? How do you want
10:31to live your life? Do you want to live in the suburbs or in the city? Do you want to party and travel?
10:37What kind of career path do you want to have? Those are all things that are going to come up and bite
10:42you if you're not on the same page. Okay, statement two asks, how do you decide if you're settling
10:48or being realistic with your expectations? It's a good question. We can't have everything.
10:54Something is going to have to give, but you have to know yourself so that you know what your core
10:59needs in a relationship are. You're likely settling if you're ongoingly unfulfilled, resentful,
11:05if you feel like you're compromising on your core values, if you are staying in a relationship mainly
11:11because you fear of being alone, and you're being realistic if you're making some compromises on
11:16certain preferences if most of the time in the relationship you feel like your core needs are
11:21being met, and you are generally happy and satisfied. SXR444H says, what attachment style
11:28is it where you yearn for the man who doesn't consistently show his interest in you, if any?
11:34This is a common thing that happens. The attachment style that usually goes with that is the anxious
11:39attachment style, where people often don't have a very high opinion of themselves and do have a higher
11:45opinion of other people, and they are willing to put up with treatment that's not necessarily the
11:52greatest just because they are afraid of losing that person. It often comes from not having healthy
12:00role models for what is a good, healthy kind of relationship where the person does show interest
12:05in you. The thing to do is work with a therapist. It's absolutely possible to get to a healthier
12:12dynamic. It just takes a little bit of work. A Lucid Casadilla asks, how important is chemistry
12:19in a relationship? Chemistry is in some sense elusive, and it's hard to define, but it's about
12:25that sense of strong attraction. Often it's physical. Sometimes it might also be intellectual
12:30or emotional, but it's that feeling like we really gel, right? It's something really pulling
12:35me towards you, and you're being pulled towards me, and it feels pretty magical. For most of us,
12:42especially in the West and the way we like to start our relationships, it's pretty important,
12:48especially if you want that physical attraction or connection that propels you into a long-term
12:56experience. For some people, it's not that important. They make their decisions to be with
13:00someone based on more kind of rational criteria, like will they make a good parent, and do they have
13:08good financial prospects and that kind of stuff, and so that's okay too. Rowibat3339 says,
13:14would you rather be ghosted or have someone tell you why they don't want to see or talk to you again?
13:21Well, it depends. People have different preferences, and there's no real research asking people what
13:27they would prefer so that we know what the majority is. My best sense from talking to students and clients
13:33is that most people prefer to have some sort of indication that the person doesn't want to see
13:39them again so that they have a little bit of closure and know where they stand. There are some people
13:45who would prefer to just get ghosted because that on one hand is maybe a little less awkward. You don't
13:51have to face the rejection directly. It kind of leaves things like, well, you never know. Maybe this person
13:58will come around, and so they find it easier, especially when it's early on. NafulaOM asks,
14:05do attachment styles change with different partners, or is it constant? Like, can I have an anxious
14:10attachment style with one partner and avoidant with another? There is actually a lot of science going
14:17back decades about attachment styles, attachment patterns, how they develop, how they impact romantic
14:23relationships, so this really is a real thing. And so our attachment styles are something that is
14:28relatively consistent, and it's something that we start to develop early on through our interactions
14:35with our primary caregivers as we grow up, and then they get reinforced as we start to interact with
14:41romantic partners and friends and other adults in our lives. And while there is certainly some level
14:47of continuity over time, different people can also elicit different kinds of reactions from us.
14:53So when we interact, let's say, with someone who is very avoidant, even if we're not particularly
14:59anxious, it can elicit somewhat of an anxious response from us because they are acting so avoidant.
15:07Vice versa, if we are interacting with someone who's really anxious, very clingy, and requiring a lot of
15:12time and attention and reassurance from us, we can start to act a bit more avoidant, even if we're not
15:17technically very avoidant. So it absolutely can fluctuate depending on who we're interacting with.
15:23The good news is, even if we have an attachment style that is no longer optimal, that we're not happy with as
15:31adults, like if we're really avoidant and really anxious and we want to do something about it, we can do
15:36something about it. These things can change. They can change with just knowledge about what our styles are, where they come from, and so that we can catch some of those reactions when we have them.
15:46Sometimes it's good to have a therapist to work through some of those issues, especially some of the stuff that comes from childhood.
15:53And very often, what helps us overcome some of these no longer serving as types of patterns is pairing up with someone who has a more secure attachment style,
16:04or is willing, even if they themselves have some avoidant or anxious tendencies, but they are willing to be aware of it and then work with us
16:13to catch each other and hold each other accountable for when some of these things flare up and bring them back down, down-regulate them.
16:20Salute Ace asks, how do I tell my partner I want to have a threesome for the first time?
16:25Oh, this is a spicy one. Threesomes is the single most common sexual fantasies that Americans have. Go figure.
16:34And yet, it can be a pretty dicey thing to ask someone, because what if they're not on the same page and that blows up in your face?
16:42So, kind of two main avenues for how you can go about this.
16:46You can take a more indirect approach to find out what their opinion view generally is on threesomes before maybe you ask the big question.
16:55And you can do that by bringing up, I don't know, something that you've read or seen in a movie or a TV show or heard about your friends doing,
17:04and then asking your partner what they think. So, you kind of probe a little bit.
17:08The other way is talking about your fantasies. Maybe have a moment where you decide that you're going to share your top three fantasies with each other.
17:18Make it kind of low stakes. Acknowledge that sharing fantasies can be pretty vulnerable because there's so much sex shaming and taboos.
17:26This is stuff that, you know, it's something that you fantasize about occasionally.
17:29It doesn't necessarily mean you have to do it or you want to do it.
17:32It's just something that you want to share with your partner.
17:35White Sandwich 69 asks,
17:37Is it possible to grow into loving someone?
17:40Absolutely yes.
17:41Love has these two stages, especially the way we do love and relationships in the West.
17:46The first part is that crazy infatuation when we lose our minds over this new person.
17:53And then over time, that subsides and turns into this long-term attachment where we are in a calmer state,
18:02but we also know there's a lot more security, there's long-term care, we're invested in their well-being, they're invested in our well-being.
18:10It absolutely is possible, even sometimes when you don't necessarily have that initial stage of infatuation,
18:16to over time grow into loving them and turning that into a long-term attachment.
18:21In fact, when people in many cultures have arranged marriages, they start out with no infatuation.
18:27Very often, they barely even know each other.
18:29But over time, as they spend more time with each other, they grow into that attachment-level love.
18:36Kay Dislin asks,
18:37People are really out here in relationships with no traveling together, no dates, no spice, just arguments, sex, and going to sleep.
18:46What the f*** are you doing?
18:47It's a great observation.
18:49There are a lot of people who are in low-quality relationships.
18:53Why are people doing it?
18:55Often because they feel they don't have a better option,
18:58because they are afraid to put themselves back out there,
19:01because often they think that's all they deserve.
19:04A lot of us come from families and have these role models for what relationships are like
19:09that are not of a high-quality relationship.
19:12And so, yeah, many of us are stuck in poor relationships.
19:15And if this is you, reconsider.
19:18Either work on getting that relationship to a much better level,
19:22or move on and find someone who's more compatible with you.
19:25That's all the questions we have time for today.
19:27I hope that was useful.
19:28Until next time.