- 5/5/2025
For more than four decades, George Carlin has made us laugh with his provocative style of stand-up comedy. This HBO special presentation highlights the best of his live performances in Los Angeles, New Jersey, Phoenix and New York. Includes "Hello-Goodbye," "Earrings," "Hitler," "We Like War," "It's Not a Sport," "Football," and an alternative version of "A Place for My Stuff."
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:00Hi, and a lovely good evening to you. I hope you're feeling well and I hope your family is
00:20prospering in the new global economy. You know, I was so proud when HBO asked me to pick out some
00:26of my favorite routines to present on this special evening. A little easier than I thought.
00:36First of all, I tried to exclude anything that mentioned elastic poisoning or quadriplegic
00:42sex. This is my favorite. I have to attend a funeral tomorrow. A friend of mine was beaten
00:50to death by a buggy full of Amish people. Also, I didn't want to include any routines that
00:57contained long passages in Hebrew. Say, did you ever stop to realize that right now, somewhere
01:11in the world, someone is getting ready to hang himself? I recently tried to get a job as a
01:17gynecologist, but couldn't find an opening. Right now, my thighs are seizing up and my
01:25loins have a tingly feeling. Say, why don't they have testicle the size of hailstones? Say,
01:37why don't they have hailstones the size of testicles? Here's a safety tip. Always wear a thick leather
01:46glove when giving a porcupine a hand job. Last week, they found a spot on my lung.
01:54Fortunately, it was barbecue sauce. Did you know, by the way, that it's bad luck to kill
02:02a priest with a fountain pen? If you love someone, set them free. If they come home, set them on fire.
02:12I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
02:17What do you think is more immoral? Killing two 100-pound people or killing one big fat 300-pound person?
02:25I always feel sorry for homeless gay people. They have no closet to come out of.
02:33I'm out of hats. I hope you enjoy tonight's program.
02:40You realize Hitler only had one ball? What do you think about a man with one ball?
02:48You think he has two strikes against him? Maybe he's got one ball and two strikes.
02:57Hitler only had one ball. A lot of people don't know that. A lot of people don't know that.
03:02They say, Hitler, geez, he had a lot of balls.
03:09What?
03:10Thank you. Hi. Howdy. Hello. How are you? How do you do? How are you doing?
03:16How's it going? What's going on? What's new? What do you think? What do you hear? What do you say?
03:22What do you feel? What's shaking? What's happening? K-Pasa? What's going down? What it is.
03:26Well, we've got all kinds of ways to say hello. We've got lots of ways to say hello.
03:33You know what my favorite one is? How's your hammer hanging?
03:38That's a good one, isn't it? Doesn't work too well with women, you know.
03:43Unless you're talking to a female carpenter, then it's perfectly all right.
03:48I've always wanted to say that one to a high church official.
03:51Good evening, Your Holiness. How hangs the hammer?
03:57So far, I haven't had that opportunity.
04:00Then there's one way to say hello that I really don't care for.
04:03There's one way I don't like. You know how some people will say to you,
04:05are they keeping you busy?
04:07As if someone has the right to come up and give me odd jobs.
04:12They say to me, are they keeping you busy?
04:14And I say, well, your wife is keeping me pretty busy. I'll tell you that.
04:21And that seems to hold them for about a half an hour.
04:26Then we have a lot of ways to say goodbye, too.
04:28We've figured out all kinds of ways to say goodbye.
04:30We say bye-bye, so long, see you later, take it easy, be cool, hang in there.
04:34You know what my favorite one is?
04:36Don't get run over.
04:40Well, some people need practical advice, you know.
04:43And some guys will say to you, hey, have a good one.
04:47I say, hey, I already have a good one.
04:53Now I'm looking for a longer one.
04:57And that seems to hold them for about a half an hour.
05:00Then you have all the foreign ways to say goodbye.
05:06You know, some people, when they leave you, they think they got to get tricky.
05:09And they'll whip an Aravederci on you.
05:12Or an arvois, or afwiderzain, or adios.
05:15Or the American version of that one.
05:17Adios, motherfucker!
05:19Or aloha.
05:22That's a nice one, isn't it?
05:23Aloha!
05:24They say that in Hawaii, of course.
05:25And that means hello and goodbye.
05:27Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun,
05:30you don't know whether you're coming or going.
05:35Then if you notice this, sometimes you'll get in a rut with the way you say goodbye.
05:40Do you ever find yourself using the same phrase over and over again with everybody?
05:43And you feel a little stupid, you know.
05:45Like if you're leaving a party, and you have to say goodbye to five or six people in a row,
05:48and you say, okay, hey, take it easy.
05:50Okay, hey, take it easy.
05:51Okay, hey, take it easy.
05:52Okay, hey, take it easy.
05:53Okay, hey, take it easy.
05:54Okay, hey, take it easy.
05:55Okay, hey, you feel like a goddamn moron, you know.
05:57So you know what I do?
05:58Every month, I change the way I say goodbye.
06:01Whether I need to or not, every month, I start using a different phrase.
06:05People like that, they notice that little extra effort.
06:11They'll say to me, pardon me, but didn't you used to say, okay, hey, take it easy?
06:16I say, yes, I did, but not anymore.
06:19Now I say, farewell.
06:21Farewell till we meet again.
06:25Peace be with you.
06:26May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
06:29That's a strong one, isn't it?
06:34People will remember you if you talk like that.
06:37Or sometimes you can combine several ways to say goodbye that don't seem to go together.
06:43Like, toodaloo, go with God and don't take any wooden nickels.
06:48Then people don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
06:52Or you can say goodbye in a realistic manner.
06:55So long, Steve.
06:56Don't let self-doubt interfere with your plans to improve your life.
07:00Well, some people need practical advice.
07:07Now here's a situation you run into all the time.
07:10You notice how when you're leaving someone, a lot of times they'll give you a message to give to someone else.
07:16Like they say, give my love to Klaus.
07:19Tell Klaus Rebecca sends her love.
07:22Do you mind that? Do you mind being used that way?
07:26Do you mind the awesome responsibility of having to carry Rebecca's love to Klaus?
07:32Suppose you don't see Klaus.
07:33What are you gonna do with Rebecca's love? Carry it around?
07:36Give it to someone else, maybe.
07:38Wilhelm, I can't find Klaus. Here's some of Rebecca's love.
07:42Suppose Wilhelm doesn't know Rebecca.
07:44Can he legally accept her love?
07:48Especially when it was originally intended for Klaus.
07:52Suppose you give Wilhelm Rebecca's love for Klaus and then you see Klaus, what are you gonna give him?
07:59All you had was Rebecca's love and you've already gone and given that to Wilhelm.
08:04Can you logically ask Wilhelm to give back Rebecca's love to Klaus?
08:08Maybe he's gotten used to it by now.
08:11Can Klaus sue Wilhelm?
08:15Can Wilhelm be arrested?
08:18Can you be arrested for transporting love across a state line?
08:23All right, just for the sake of argument, let's leave Wilhelm out of this altogether.
08:28Suppose Rebecca gives you her love to give to Klaus and you do see Klaus, what form should the love take?
08:36Can you risk giving Klaus a tongue kiss?
08:40Which brings up another problem, maybe Klaus is gay.
08:46Klaus doesn't want Rebecca's love, Klaus wants Wilhelm's love.
08:51If Klaus tells you to give his love to Wilhelm, say,
08:54Wilhelm, say, bullshit, Klaus.
08:57You give your own love to Wilhelm.
09:00I'm going to find Rebecca.
09:06One final little portion of this.
09:08Sometimes people want you to take a hug and a kiss to someone for them.
09:17Now they've got you carrying cargo.
09:20Give them a big hug and a kiss for me!
09:24Give them a big hug and a kiss for me!
09:26Usually it's women.
09:27I find that women are a little more expressive at times like these.
09:31And sometimes they're really explicit.
09:33Bye-bye, Elena.
09:35Drive carefully and give Jake a big blowjob for me!
09:43Well, why don't you get Klaus to take care of that for you?
09:46Hey, baby, what's happening?
09:51Hey!
09:52Que pasa?
09:54Que, what you call your pasa?
09:58I'll sleep here, you hippy-dippy weatherman.
10:01With all the hippy-dippy weather, man.
10:05Brought to you by Parsons Pest Control.
10:09Do you have termites, water bugs, and roaches?
10:12Well, Parsons will help you get rid of the termites and water bugs
10:17and help you smoke the roaches.
10:24Temperature at the airport is 88 degrees.
10:27Which is stupid, man, because I don't know anybody who lives at the airport.
10:34Now if you'll take a look at our national weather map,
10:38you'll see that we don't have one.
10:40So try to picture last night's map in your mind.
10:47Remember all the letters and lines.
10:51All them little numbers.
10:53The weather is dominated by a large Canadian low,
10:57which is not to be confused with a Mexican high.
11:00Tonight's forecast...
11:03Tonight's forecast...
11:06Dark.
11:10Continued dark tonight...
11:12Turning to partly light in the morning.
11:15Old Al, Al got out of the weather business when he realized he had given the final weather forecast.
11:20He had given the ultimate forecast.
11:21He had given the ultimate forecast.
11:22There was nowhere to go.
11:23You know, when there's nothing left to conquer in your field, hey, it's time to leave.
11:26And old Al had given the ultimate forecast.
11:29He told us, he said one night,
11:30that the weather will continue to change on and off for a long, long time.
11:41And he was gone for us.
11:42God bless Al.
11:44I would have been out here a little bit sooner, but they gave me the wrong dressing room,
11:48and I couldn't find any place to put my stuff.
11:50And I don't know how you are, but I need a place to put my stuff.
11:53So that's what I've been doing back there.
11:55Just trying to find a place for my stuff.
11:57You know how important that is.
11:58That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it?
12:00Trying to find a place for your stuff.
12:03That's all your house is.
12:04Your house is just a place for your stuff.
12:06If you didn't have so much goddamn stuff, you wouldn't need a house.
12:10You could just walk around all the time.
12:13That's all your house is.
12:14It's a pile of stuff with a cover on it.
12:17You see that when you take off in an airplane, and you look down,
12:19and you see everybody's got a little pile of stuff.
12:21Everybody's got their own pile of stuff.
12:23And when you leave your stuff, you've got to lock it up.
12:26Wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff.
12:30They always take the good stuff.
12:33They don't bother with that crap you're saving.
12:37Ain't nobody interested in your fourth grade arithmetic papers.
12:41They're looking for the good stuff.
12:44That's all your house is.
12:45It's a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
12:50Now, sometimes, sometimes you've got to move.
12:53You've got to get a bigger house.
12:54Why? Too much stuff.
12:57You've got to move all your stuff.
13:00And maybe put some of your stuff in storage.
13:03Imagine that. There's a whole industry based on keeping an eye on your stuff.
13:08Enough about your stuff. Let's talk about other people's stuff.
13:13Did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house, you never quite feel 100% at home?
13:18You know why? No room for your stuff.
13:20Somebody else's stuff is all over the place.
13:24And what awful stuff it is.
13:27Where did they get this stuff?
13:30And if you have to stay overnight at someone's house, you know, unexpectedly and they give you a little room to sleep in that they don't use that often.
13:37Someone died in it 11 years ago.
13:41And they haven't moved any of his stuff.
13:44Or wherever they give you to sleep, usually right near the bed there's a dresser and there's never any room on the dresser for your stuff.
13:52Someone else's shit is on the dresser.
13:54Have you noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
13:59Get that off of there.
14:04Now, sometimes you go on vacation, you gotta bring some of your stuff with you.
14:13You can't bring all your stuff, just the stuff you really like.
14:18The stuff that fits you well that month.
14:22Let's say you're gonna go to Honolulu.
14:24You're gonna go all the way to Honolulu, you gotta take two big bags of stuff.
14:28Plus your carry-on stuff, plus the stuff in your pockets.
14:32You get all the way to Honolulu and you get in your hotel room and you start to put away your stuff.
14:35That's the first thing you do in a hotel room is put away your stuff.
14:38I'll put some stuff in here, put some stuff down there.
14:40Here's another place to do stuff here, I'll put some stuff over there.
14:42You put your stuff over there, I'll put my stuff over here.
14:44Here's another place to do stuff.
14:45Hey, we've got more places than we've got stuff.
14:49We're gonna have to buy more stuff!
14:51And you put all your stuff away and you know that you're thousands of miles from home
15:05and you don't quite feel at ease but you know that you must be okay
15:08because you do have some of your stuff with you.
15:11And you relax in Honolulu on that basis.
15:15That's when your friend from Maui calls and says,
15:18Hey, why don't you come over to Maui for the weekend?
15:21Spend a couple of nights over here.
15:23Oh shit, no.
15:26Now what stuff do you bring?
15:28Right, you've gotta bring an even smaller version of your stuff.
15:32Just enough stuff for a weekend on Maui.
15:37And you're really spread out now.
15:39You've got shit all over the world!
15:42You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets.
15:48Supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
15:50But you get over to your friend's house in Maui and they give you a little place to sleep.
15:55And there's a little window ledge or some kind of a small shelf.
15:58And there's not much room on it but it's okay because you don't have much stuff now.
16:02And you put what stuff you do have up there.
16:04There you put your imported French toenail clippers, your odor readers with the 45-day guarantee,
16:11your cinnamon-flavored dental floss, and your Afrin 12-hour decongestant nasal spray.
16:17And even though you're a long way from home, you know that you must be okay
16:21because you do have your Afrin 12-hour decongestant nasal spray.
16:25And you relax in Maui on that basis.
16:28That's when your friend says,
16:31Hey, I think tonight we'll go over to the other side of the aisle and stay at my friend's house overnight.
16:36Oh, shit, no!
16:39No! What do you bring?
16:42Now you just bring the things you know you're gonna need.
16:45Money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hanky-pens, cigarettes, contraceptives, Vaseline, whips, chains, whistles, dildos, and a book.
16:52I'd like to talk a little bit about baseball.
16:57Baseball and football.
17:04Starting with baseball.
17:07Baseball is different from any other sport in a lot of different little ways.
17:11For instance, in most sports, you score points or you score goals.
17:16In baseball, you score runs.
17:18In most sports, the ball or the object is put in play by the offensive team.
17:23In baseball, the defense puts the ball in play.
17:26And only the defensive team is allowed to touch the ball.
17:29In fact, in baseball, if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out.
17:34Also, most sports, the team is run by a coach.
17:38In baseball, the team is run by a manager.
17:41And only in baseball does the manager or the coach have to wear the same uniform the players do.
17:47Can you picture Bill Parcells in his New York Giants uniform?
17:54Now, baseball and football are different from one another in other kind of interesting ways, I think.
18:02First of all, baseball is a 19th century pastoral game.
18:09Football is a 20th century technological struggle.
18:14Baseball is played on a diamond in a park.
18:17The baseball park.
18:20Football is played on a gridiron in a stadium.
18:23Sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
18:32Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
18:36Football begins in the fall when everything is dying.
18:42In football, you wear a helmet.
18:48In baseball, you wear a cap.
18:53Football is concerned with downs.
18:57What down is it?
19:00Baseball is concerned with ups.
19:02Who's up? Are you up? I'm not up. He's up.
19:07In football, the specialist comes in to kick.
19:11In baseball, the specialist comes in to relieve someone.
19:18In football, you receive a penalty.
19:21In baseball, you make an error.
19:24Whoops!
19:28Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, blocking, piling on, late hitting, unnecessary roughness and personal fouls.
19:36Baseball has the sacrifice.
19:39Football is played in any kind of weather.
19:44Rain, sleet, snow, hail, mud.
19:47Can't read the numbers on the field.
19:48Can't read the yard markers.
19:49Can't read the players numbers.
19:51The struggle will continue.
19:53In baseball, if it rains, we don't come out to play.
19:57I can't come out to play.
19:59It's raining out.
20:00Baseball has a seventh-inning stretch.
20:10Football has the two-minute warning.
20:14Baseball has no time limit.
20:16We don't know when it's going to end.
20:18We might have extra innings.
20:19Football is rigidly timed and it will end even if we have to go to sudden death.
20:27In baseball, during the game and the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling.
20:31Emotions may run high or low, but there's not that much unpleasantness.
20:35In football, in the stands during the game, you can be sure that at least 27 times you were perfectly capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
20:44Preferably a stranger.
20:47And finally, the objectives of the two games are totally different.
20:54In football, the object is for the quarterback, otherwise known as the field general,
21:02to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy,
21:08in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun.
21:11With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory,
21:16balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack which punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
21:30In baseball, the object is to go home.
21:35And to be safe.
21:36I hope I'll be safe at home.
21:40Safe at home.
21:43There's some words that are perfectly clean but sound like they could be filthy if you gave them just a little help.
21:48A word like pussyfoot.
21:51It's perfectly clean, but when you say pussyfoot, there's a little giggle.
21:56Of course, people know that with a little help, this word could be filthy.
22:00No matter what form of the verb you try, it's clean as a verb, but pussyfoot could be a noun.
22:09It could be a noun. Pussyfoot.
22:12A rare disorder.
22:14A female birth defect.
22:18A female birth defect.
22:21Hello, boys.
22:25I have pussyfoot.
22:29God, you sure do, lady.
22:32And I love them open-toed shoes you have on.
22:35Well, I'd rather have pussyfoot than woodpecker, I can say that.
22:47Or beer nuts.
22:51God, that must be awful.
22:54Beer nuts.
22:55Beer nuts.
22:56The official disease of Milwaukee.
23:02I know whenever I see the little canister behind the bar, I drop in a couple of dollars for beer nuts.
23:08I think we need a lot more research on beer nuts.
23:12Or cotton balls.
23:17Which is the dreaded final stage of beer nuts.
23:21When my beer nuts turn to cotton balls, I'll be heading home to you.
23:30It's an old, southern hymn.
23:33There are lots of little phrases like that in the language that don't quite say what they mean.
23:40Take a shit is another one.
23:43Take a shit?
23:45You don't take a shit, you leave a shit!
23:49That was the whole idea!
23:53To leave it!
24:02I left a shit!
24:04Fine, thank you, Jeff!
24:08Where'd you leave it?
24:10In the icebox!
24:11I'm gonna take a shit.
24:12Don't take one of mine.
24:14I only have two left and the weekend is coming up.
24:16Why'd you go home and take one of your own shit?
24:17That guy's always mooching off me.
24:18He must think I made a shit or something.
24:20Boy, that shit don't grow on trees, you know!
24:22Are there any guys here tonight wearing an earring?
24:23Yeah!
24:24How about a sanitary napkin?
24:25Do you have one of them on, too?
24:26Yeah!
24:27Yeah!
24:28How about a sanitary napkin?
24:29Do you have one of them on, too?
24:30Yeah!
24:31Nah, that's a cheap, that's a cheap joke.
24:32Yeah!
24:33How about a sanitary napkin?
24:34Do you have one of them on, too?
24:35Yeah!
24:36or something oh that shit don't grow on trees you know are there any uh any guys here tonight
24:46wearing an earring how about a sanitary napkin do you have one of them on too
24:51now that's a cheap that's a cheap joke i'm sorry that was a cheap joke
25:02and i'm better than that no i'm not well i only ask for a specific reason don't mean to embarrass
25:10anybody see i once wore an earring and i'm wondering if the climate is still the same for
25:14people who take a chance and i don't know i guess it's a little different now this was 10 or 12 years
25:17ago it can't be quite the same but uh when you wear an earring certain things i noticed certain
25:22things this was i say 10 years ago i decided to wear an earring the only reason i had very simple
25:26motive i just wanted people to think i was different okay and i thought well i'll drill a
25:31hole in my flesh i only have seven holes in my head now i'll make an eighth hole in my head and
25:39put an ornament in there and people will have to deal with me i just wanted people to think i was
25:44a little strange okay i mean apparently it wasn't strange enough that i stand up here going
25:48i needed something a little extra and i thought well self-mutilation that might do the trick
25:57so i drilled a hole in my ear put an ornament in there and set about my task first thing i noticed
26:04was that some people didn't care in fact the whole world seemed indifferent to what i had done most
26:08people will not even look at the earring i noticed that they would look right in my eyes ignoring the
26:12earring and i know what's going through their mind they're thinking this asshole is wearing a
26:15fucking earring but a lot of people wouldn't look at it because they couldn't handle it that's i know
26:19that's what was going on they couldn't handle it because they didn't know what it meant you know
26:22some people think everything has to mean something well some things don't mean anything
26:25but people think it means something means you're gay if it's in this ear it means you're gay
26:28if it's in this ear it means you're like the hump water buffalo or something i don't know
26:31somebody said to me well what does it mean i said it means i killed a man in prison for asking
26:37fucking questions
26:38and that seemed to satisfy his curiosity another guy says to me are you gay i said well bend over
26:49and let's find out you know i mean it's the same thing if a man carries a little bag a little purse
26:59in his hand you know that's all it is it's a little purse it's a purse that's all some guys
27:02can't handle that word some guys who carry them can't even call it that they'll say where's my
27:05little bag i say fuck you at your purse pick it up and get out of here will you i mean if you can't
27:09handle a word don't carry the bag that's all it is is a little purse i got one big deal what does it
27:12mean but some people like to taunt you they'll say is that your purse and i say yes it is and i have a
27:17picture of your mother in here sucking off an indian
27:19and that seemed to satisfy their curiosity
27:27so i wore this hearing for about two years or three years and then i decided not to wear it
27:34anymore when i heard that andy rooney had one i thought well fuck me how different can i be
27:41so i stopped wearing it and my hole grew over my hearing hole
27:45oh not my asshole what are you crazy or something get out of here no your asshole grows over you might
27:52as well check straight into a cemetery because you're going to spend a lot of time walking around
27:57the beach wondering why you're getting larger no no no my earring hole grew over and people noticed
28:06it people would say aren't you gaining weight and i say yes my earring hole grew over and aren't you a
28:11keen observer of detail but these days if you want to be different these days one earring isn't enough
28:18you've got to have a whole colony of those goddamn things growing up the side of your head like
28:22they're out of control some guys are walking with a 30 degree list to port setting off metal detectors
28:28all over town or if you really want to be different you got to get your nose pierced that'll make
28:34you different get your nose pierced actually you don't have to get it pierced you can do it
28:38yourself at home with a paper punch
28:40makes a nice clean hole only hurts for about a month
28:47and then you can put one of your dad's tie tacks in there
28:52hi dad what's that one of my tie tacks yep well make sure you bring it home
28:56you'll make a good impression at the job interview with one of your dad's tie tacks sticking through
29:01your nose i figure it's your body well some guys won't get that done that's not a guy's thing for
29:11the most part you won't see too many guys with the nose but it's more of a woman's thing to do guys
29:14figure it out a long time ago hey i get punched in the face with one of those things in
29:19that's gonna staple my nose to the back of my skull whoa this fucking hurts man well i want it to be
29:31different well you are now
29:35no that's not for men for the most part you don't see men it's women have that and some women have
29:40more than one some women have two or three of those things in their god i could never have handled that
29:45i mean it was hard enough keeping one earring clean can you imagine three nose studs and a heavy
29:49cold whoa forget about it and you might sneeze and kill your friend
29:55fucking joey my eye my eye now your friend has a pierced eye to go along with your pierced nose
30:08i don't have a nice day anymore i don't bother much with that i think i'm beyond that now i think
30:17i've outgrown the nice day i think i've had my share why should i be hogging all the really nice ones
30:23let somebody else have a few of course everybody still wants me to have one
30:30everybody wants me to have a nice day have a nice day
30:38yeah yeah yeah you want to give me my fucking change please
30:45i'm triple park
30:49some of them are really insistent i said have a nice day all right all right god damn it all right
30:58i'll give it a shot
30:59that's the trouble with have a nice day it puts all the pressure on you
31:05now you've got to go out and somehow manage to have a good time
31:10all because of some loose-lipped cashier
31:13have a nice day maybe i don't feel like having a nice day
31:19maybe just maybe i've had 116 nice days in a row
31:24and i'm ready by god for a crappy day
31:28i'll never hear that let him wish one of them hey have a crappy day
31:32thank you and to your wonderful family as well
31:36crappy day hey that'd be easy no trouble at all a crappy day
31:41just get up
31:45there's no planning involved for a crappy day
31:51i know what it is that bothers me about that whole thing it's the word nice
31:55it's just a weak word doesn't have a lot of character you know nice
32:00isn't he nice
32:03oh he is so nice
32:06and she's nice too
32:10isn't that nice
32:12how nice they are
32:16i don't care for that you know
32:18it's like fine
32:20there's another word how are you fine
32:24here is fine
32:38how's your hair fine
32:42that makes a lot more sense to me
32:46some guys are great
32:48you'll meet those guys
32:50great
32:51isn't this great
32:52god damn this is great
32:54look they're gonna kill that guy isn't that great
32:57that's great
32:59no not me i'm not nice
33:04i'm not fine i'm not great
33:06people ask me how i am i say i'm fairly decent
33:10i don't give them any superlatives nothing to gossip about relatively okay
33:16sometimes i'll say i'm moderately neato
33:20if i'm in a particularly jaunty mood i'll say i'm not unwell thank you
33:26that pisses them off cause they have to figure that one out for themselves
33:30so
33:40reminds me of something my first grade teacher used to say to me
33:42little lady
33:44she used to say
33:46you show me a tropical fruit and i'll show you a cocksucker from guatemala
33:50now that was someone else
34:00that was someone else
34:01now the dog
34:02might just embarrass you if it gets the chance
34:04let's go out to the front of your house out to the living room
34:08and uh you're there now with your doggies there of course
34:12and you have some friends in
34:14some neighbors over sitting around the coffee table
34:18and uh chit chat
34:20you know talking to each other you brought your pepsi down
34:22but fuck them let them get their own doritos
34:26i'm not here to feed the neighborhood
34:34and everybody's sitting around and the dog
34:36is licking his balls
34:40laughing
34:53and
34:54laughing
34:56laughing
34:57laughing
35:02and nobody mentions it
35:15spectacular thing going on there
35:18if I could reach I'd never leave the house man
35:21are you kidding me
35:32they don't even mention it
35:36they say things like
35:37isn't he cute
35:38he's taking a bath
35:41he appears to be licking his balls to me Marge
35:46yeah he's been on that one spot for over an hour
35:52that's a mighty selective bath
35:57no no no no nice doggy
36:00no no nice doggy
36:01no no no no no no no no no
36:02don't you know they have the cleanest mouth of any animal
36:08I'm just going by where he's been honey
36:11I am not a chemist
36:15that was what they called a fussy eater
36:21he's fussy
36:23he's a fussy eater
36:25fussy eater is a euphemism
36:28for big pain in the ass
36:31I mean if I didn't like something
36:34I told them
36:35I didn't play with my food
36:37pick at my food
36:38I said I don't like that
36:40you make this
36:42I don't like it
36:44why
36:46they wanted reasons
36:48well you don't always have a reason
36:52I don't know
36:54I know I don't like it
36:56and I know that if I ate it
36:59I would like it even less
37:01you like it
37:04you eat it
37:05then they would try to corner me with logic
37:16how do you know you don't like it
37:22if you've never even tried
37:27it came to me in a dream
37:31some things don't look right
37:36I don't like that ma
37:37don't look right to me
37:40did you make that
37:42is there a picture of it in the cookbook
37:45I bet it don't look like that
37:49let's face it
37:56be honest
37:56some things don't look right
37:58of course some people eat anything
38:00I know that
38:01some guys eat anything
38:02I saw those guys in the army
38:03on the chow line
38:04what's this
38:04never mind
38:04give me a whole lot of
38:05that's rat's asshole Don
38:08well it certainly makes
38:14a hell of a fondue
38:15don't look right
38:19I don't eat anything
38:20I don't recognize immediately
38:21if I have to ask questions
38:23fuck it
38:23I pass
38:24tomatoes don't look right either
38:28on the outside
38:29they're fine
38:30tomatoes look lovely
38:31on the outside
38:31but you look inside a tomato
38:32and something is wrong
38:33something has gone afoul
38:36inside of a tomato
38:37it doesn't look right
38:39you know
38:39it doesn't look like
38:39it's finished yet
38:40for one thing
38:41it looks like
38:42it's in the larval stage
38:43or something
38:44there's thousands of seeds
38:47and a whole bunch
38:47of jelly looking stuff
38:48get it off my plate
38:54it's squishy
38:57it's like that stuff
38:58at the end of an egg
38:59and I know
39:03it's not the end
39:03of an egg
39:04it's the beginning
39:05of a chicken
39:06it's hen con
39:09get it off my plate
39:14kids besides being
39:18too young
39:21are also
39:23too little
39:24it's another thing
39:26they have to put up with
39:26they're too goddamn little
39:28you've noticed them
39:30haven't you
39:31I won't laugh in front of them
39:35but they're too fucking little
39:36kids spend all that time
39:39all those important years
39:40way the hell down there
39:42teeny little things
39:44they really do
39:44start you out small
39:45when you're a kid
39:46don't they
39:46look at this Dan
39:48we've got a kid
39:50what's gonna do with them
39:53gonna raise them
39:55don't plant them
39:57too deep
39:58you know
39:58sure
40:02for all those years
40:04you're stuck down there
40:05and the whole world's up here
40:06or you're stuck down here
40:09and the whole world
40:10is up there
40:11everything's up there
40:13everything's built for them
40:14all the furniture
40:16right
40:16oh they give you
40:18one little table
40:19and a couple of chairs
40:20in your room
40:21you know
40:21but your brother sits on it
40:23and breaks it
40:23you're stuck
40:27everything's up there
40:28hey
40:29pardon me
40:29hey
40:29look out for the cigarette
40:30will you
40:31ouch
40:31god damn
40:31you want to look for the cookies
40:35would you look for the cookies please
40:37yeah
40:37they're up there
40:38they're not down here
40:38they don't keep them here
40:40they keep them up there
40:41I can't see up there at all
40:42I've never seen it up there
40:44I wouldn't know where to look
40:46they're up there somewhere
40:47just take a look around
40:48would you please look around
40:49just give it a chance
40:50give it a try
40:50just look everywhere
40:50open everything up
40:51open everything
40:52look at everything
40:52up high
40:53do you know where they are
40:53he knows where they are
40:54tell them it
40:54tell them where they are
40:55he knows where they are
40:55give me a help
40:56hey tell them
40:56just tell them
40:57just tell them
40:57hey come on
40:58hurry up
40:58please come
40:58come on
40:59yeah man
41:00you don't know much down here
41:02well you know about
41:03the nap of the rug
41:04have a pretty clear idea
41:07about the migration of dust
41:09in an urban apartment
41:10you know where all
41:13the electrical outlets are
41:14makes you handy as hell
41:17the week before Christmas
41:18come on dad
41:19I'll see you
41:20come on
41:20I ain't going over here
41:20right here
41:21that's what had a
41:23brown mark on it
41:24sure you're just a
41:26little guy down here
41:27and your handle is
41:28extended
41:28that's the thing they
41:30use to take you places
41:31come on we're going
41:33downtown
41:34and simply because you're so small
41:40just because you're tiny
41:45they pick you up
41:47and throw you in the air
41:51you don't see them throwing each other in the air do you
41:57it isn't safe
41:59it isn't safe
41:59just you
42:02because you're a teeny
42:04your uncle comes over on Thanksgiving
42:07oh boy
42:11look at him
42:14ain't he a teeny
42:16god damn
42:19I'm going to throw him up in the air
42:22come here
42:24I got him
42:26I got you
42:27hold on
42:28I got him
42:30okay
42:30here you go
42:31okay
42:33okay
42:34okay
42:35I got him
42:36oh Margaret I'm sorry
42:42I lost him in the sun
42:46you got any turkey left
42:50yeah there were rules
42:56I wasn't too good at rules myself
42:58well I was good at breaking them
43:00you'd think that would count
43:02you know
43:02it's a category
43:03no such luck
43:05was marked against you
43:07didn't have a lot of luck with them
43:08because they didn't all seem logical to me
43:10for some reason or another
43:11some of them seemed
43:12dumb
43:13now there were good rules to be sure
43:15there were some fine rules
43:17no running with the scissors
43:18that's one I always obeyed
43:23made sense to me
43:25shit this big mother will go right through me
43:28what are you doing?
43:32I'm not running with the scissors
43:34now the good rule was no sticking your head out of the high speed railroad train window
43:44god damn dad good rule
43:47oh yeah
43:49doesn't want us to get our heads chopped off
43:54fucking great
43:55must be having a great day dad
43:57dad it was some rules
44:01that were not so intelligently drawn I felt
44:03some things that didn't make a lot of sense
44:05no running in the halls
44:07hey
44:08why?
44:10because it looks like fun
44:11that's why
44:12no running in the halls
44:14where are you going to run?
44:16in the rooms?
44:18gotta keep turning in the rooms
44:20man
44:20can't get up any speed at all in the room
44:24hallways
44:27made for running
44:30another dumb rule I thought was
44:34no singing at the table
44:36why?
44:39one guy with a bad voice a hundred years ago
44:44fucked it up for everybody else
44:45why?
44:48no singing at the table
44:51why?
44:53because I said so
44:55first sign of a dumb rule
44:57yeah you can stand right next to the table
45:10all during dinner
45:11and sing your ass off
45:13it's not covered by the rule
45:15I'm standing near the table
45:18during dinner
45:19and I'm singing
45:20and it isn't even
45:21covered by your room
45:23sit down you
45:26that was your middle name
45:28you
45:29have you noticed that you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving?
45:37I think it's because all the coats are on the bed
45:40you know how you can tell when a moth farts?
45:49he flies in a straight line
45:50it's the old American double standard
46:01you know say one thing
46:02do something different
46:03and of course the country is founded on the double standard
46:06that's our history
46:07we were founded on a very basic double standard
46:10this country was founded by slave owners
46:12who wanted to be free
46:13am I right?
46:19a group of slave owners
46:20who wanted to be free
46:23so they killed a lot of white English people
46:25in order to continue owning their black African people
46:28so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people
46:30and move west and steal the rest of the land
46:32from the brown Mexican people
46:34giving them a place to take off
46:35and drop their nuclear weapons
46:36on the yellow Japanese people
46:38you know what the motto
46:40you know what the motto of this country ought to be?
46:44you give us a color
46:44we'll wipe it out
46:46we got it
46:48so anyway
46:53about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified
46:5580 years later
46:56the slaves are freed
46:57not so you'd really notice it of course
47:00just sort of on paper
47:02and that was of course during the Civil War
47:04now there's another phrase I dearly love
47:07that is a true oxymoron
47:09if I've ever heard one
47:10Civil War
47:11do you think any country could really have
47:13a Civil War?
47:16say
47:16pardon me
47:18I'm awfully sorry
47:22now of course
47:31the Civil War has been over
47:33for about 120 years
47:34but not so you'd really notice it
47:36because we still have these people
47:39called Civil War buffs
47:40people who thought it was a really keen war
47:44and they study the battles carefully
47:46and they try to improve on the strategies
47:48and the tactics to increase the body count
47:50in case we have to go through it again sometime
47:52in fact some of these people
47:54actually get dressed up in uniform once a year
47:56and go out and refight these battles
47:57you know what I say?
47:58use live ammunition assholes
48:00would you please?
48:03you might just raise the intelligence level
48:05of the American gene pool
48:06but what do you expect?
48:10hey come on
48:10this is a war-like country
48:11we come from that northern European
48:13basically the northern European genes
48:15the blue eyes
48:16those blue eyes
48:17boy everybody in the world learned real quick
48:19didn't they?
48:19when those blue eyes sail out of the north
48:21you better nail everything down
48:22motherfucker
48:23nail it down
48:24strap it down
48:25or they'll grab it
48:26if they can't take it home
48:27they'll burn it
48:27if they can't burn it
48:28they'll fuck it
48:28that's what happened to us
48:31and it's a war-like country
48:34come on
48:34I mean forget foreign policy
48:36even the domestic rhetoric is war-like
48:37everything about our domestic policy
48:39invokes the thought of war
48:40we don't like something in this country
48:41we declare war on it
48:43the war on poverty
48:44the war on drugs
48:45the war on crime
48:46the war on AIDS
48:47the war on cancer
48:48we got the only national anthem
48:50that mentions fucking rockets and bombs
48:51in the goddamn thing
48:52you know what I mean?
48:54all right
48:55I'd like to talk a little bit about sports
48:58sports are very big in this country
49:00I'm a sports fan
49:01that's fine
49:02thank you
49:03good
49:03yes I know a lot of people feel
49:06positive about sports
49:07as I say
49:08I'm not a fanatic
49:09about sports
49:10but I'm not a casual observer either
49:12I was watching ESPN today
49:15for which I'm thankful by the way
49:16all sorts of strange things
49:17they show on ESPN
49:18today they had some swimming
49:20that was interesting
49:20the women's 200 meter breast stroke
49:22well I'd never seen a woman
49:25with 200 meter breasts
49:26so I was really interested
49:30well I'll tell you this
49:33I'm enough of a sports fan
49:34that I suggest
49:36I have some rules changes
49:37I would like to suggest
49:38I think there are some
49:39changes we could make
49:40in certain sports
49:41that would make them more exciting
49:42you know
49:43like in football
49:44I would let all 45 guys
49:46play at the same time
49:47you know
49:48what's this shit
49:49standing around
49:50watching the game
49:50get in there
49:51put a helmet on
49:52and hurt somebody
49:53for Christ's sake
49:53will ya
49:54you're not getting paid to watch
49:55and never mind lining up
49:56just grab the ball
49:57and run like a motherfucker
49:58you know
49:58another thing I would do
50:00in football
50:01I would leave the injured
50:02on the field
50:03well they're always talking
50:05about how it's a big war
50:06going on out there
50:07fine
50:08let the Red Cross
50:09come around
50:09and pick these assholes up
50:11here's how I change basketball
50:14you could make basketball
50:15a lot quicker
50:16you know what you do
50:17you have a two second
50:18shot clock
50:18as soon as that ball
50:20is inbounds
50:21get that sumbitch
50:22up in the air
50:22I didn't come to watch
50:24a game of catch
50:24I'm looking for
50:25a four or five hundred
50:26point ball game
50:26I'm a fan
50:28I want six overtimes
50:29and a thousand points
50:30on the board
50:31another thing I would do
50:33for basketball
50:34at the center court line
50:35for ten feet
50:36on either side
50:36of the center court line
50:37I would have a gasoline fire
50:39you talk about the fast break
50:42you'd see the really fast break
50:44here's another suggestion
50:46for basketball
50:46I would allow 25 points
50:48for any ball
50:49that goes in the basket
50:50off another guy's head
50:51you'd see some good fights
50:54during those close games
50:55I'll tell you
50:56and you'd increase
50:58the chance for serious injuries
51:00that's what I'm looking for
51:02injuries
51:02that's what I like
51:03about sports
51:03I don't care who wins
51:04these games
51:05if I want to see winners
51:06I'll watch the academy awards
51:07I'm looking for injuries
51:08serious lifelong
51:09crippling
51:10debilitating injuries
51:11I'm an American
51:12give me a little violence
51:14and I'm a happy guy
51:15most people won't admit that
51:17most people won't admit that
51:19they'll say
51:19well I like the competition
51:20yeah like Hiroshima
51:21right
51:22fuck the competition
51:24I'm looking for a leg
51:25in two or three places
51:26well now getting back
51:28to how we can improve
51:29these sports
51:29and speed them up
51:30you know baseball
51:31needs a little speeding up
51:32you know how you speed up
51:33baseball
51:33everybody gets one swing
51:34that's it
51:35one swing
51:35fuck you
51:36you're out
51:36sit down
51:36come on
51:37let's go
51:37sit down
51:38come on
51:39let's go
51:40here's another thing
51:45to make baseball
51:45a lot faster
51:46if the pitcher hits
51:47the batter with the ball
51:48batter's out
51:50you hit 27 guys
51:53you got yourself
51:54a perfect game
51:55my friend
51:55you get two really good
51:57accurate pitchers out there
51:58and you could be out
51:58of that ballpark
51:59in 15 minutes
52:00you could be home
52:02watching football
52:02on TV
52:03and see some serious
52:06goddamn injuries
52:07one more thing
52:10for baseball
52:10out in the outfield
52:11I would have a series
52:12of randomly placed
52:13landmines
52:14there's Marshall
52:18settling under that ball
52:19holy shit
52:23now I must explain
52:30the only reason I mention
52:31baseball
52:31basketball
52:32and football
52:32is because
52:33to my way of thinking
52:34these are really
52:35the only three sports
52:36we have
52:37nothing else qualifies
52:38as a sport
52:39according to me
52:40everything else
52:40is a game
52:41or an activity
52:42hockey comes to mind
52:44people think hockey
52:44is a sport
52:45hockey is not a sport
52:46hockey is three activities
52:47going on at the same time
52:49ice skating
52:49playing with a puck
52:50and beating the shit
52:51out of somebody
52:52now if these guys
52:54were intelligent at all
52:55they would do these things
52:56one at a time
52:56first you go ice skating
52:58then you play with a puck
52:59then you go to the bar
53:00and beat the shit
53:01out of somebody
53:02but they would last
53:03a lot longer
53:03and these guys
53:04would have a whole lot
53:04more fun
53:05tell you another reason
53:06hockey is not a sport
53:07it's not played
53:08with a ball
53:08anything that isn't
53:09played with a ball
53:10can't be a sport
53:10these are my rules
53:12I make them up
53:13hockey is played
53:14with a puck
53:15what is a puck
53:15I never even heard
53:16of a puck
53:17outside of hockey
53:17have you ever heard
53:18of a puck
53:18the only other place
53:18you find a puck
53:19is in the urinal
53:20to control the smell
53:21in the bathroom
53:21alright
53:24and as far as
53:26I'm concerned
53:27any game
53:28where the main object
53:28is something
53:29that came out
53:29of a urinal
53:30is definitely
53:30not a sport
53:31soccer
53:34soccer is not a sport
53:35because you can't
53:36use your arms
53:37anything where you
53:38can't use your arms
53:38can't be a sport
53:39tap dancing
53:40isn't a sport
53:41I rest my case
53:42another thing
53:45I don't like
53:45about soccer
53:46they got dots
53:47on the ball
53:47that's a big rule
53:49of mine
53:49no god damn
53:50dots on the ball
53:51running
53:53people think
53:53running is a sport
53:54running isn't a sport
53:55because anyone
53:56can do it
53:57you know
53:57anything we can
53:57all do
53:58can't be a sport
53:59I can run
53:59you can run
54:00my mother can run
54:00you don't see her
54:01on the cover
54:01of Sports Illustrated
54:02do you
54:03people say
54:04I'm gonna run
54:05down to the store
54:05and buy a loaf
54:05of bread
54:06fine
54:06it's not a
54:07god damn sport
54:08I'm not gonna pay
54:09to watch
54:10and buy a fucking
54:10loaf of bread
54:11swimming
54:14swimming isn't a sport
54:15swimming is a way
54:16to keep from drowning
54:17that's common sense
54:21sailing
54:26sailing isn't a sport
54:27sailing is a way
54:28to get somewhere
54:29riding a bus
54:30isn't a sport
54:31why the fuck
54:32should sailing
54:33be a sport
54:33boxing is not a sport
54:39boxing is a way
54:39to beat the shit
54:40out of somebody
54:41in that respect
54:42boxing is a more
54:43sophisticated form
54:44of hockey
54:45but beating the shit
54:47out of somebody
54:48is not a sport
54:48in spite of what
54:49the police think
54:50when police brutality
54:52becomes an Olympic event
54:54fine
54:54then boxing
54:55can be a sport
54:56bowling
54:58bowling isn't a sport
54:59because you have
54:59to rent the shoes
55:00don't forget
55:03my rules
55:04I make them up
55:05billiards
55:07now billiards
55:08is not a sport
55:08because there's no chance
55:09for serious injuries
55:11unless you welsh on a bet
55:13in a tough neighborhood
55:13then if you see a guy
55:16with a pool cue
55:16sticking out of his ass
55:17you know that might be
55:21a sports related injury
55:22but that's not billiards
55:25that's pool
55:26and that starts with a P
55:28and that rhymes with D
55:28and that brings me to darts
55:30now darts could be a sport
55:32because you might put
55:33somebody's eye out
55:34but darts will never be a sport
55:37because the whole object
55:38is to reach zero
55:39which goes against
55:40all sports logic
55:41lacrosse
55:44lacrosse is not a sport
55:45lacrosse is a faggot
55:46college activity
55:47sorry about that
55:50that's right
55:52anytime you're standing
55:53in a field
55:54with a stick
55:54with a net
55:55on the end of it
55:55you're engaged
55:56in a faggot
55:56college activity
55:57same thing goes
55:59for field hockey
55:59and fencing
56:00these things aren't sports
56:01but you can't gamble on them
56:02anything you can't gamble on
56:03can't be a sport
56:04when was the last time
56:05you made a fucking
56:05fencing bet
56:06gymnastics
56:11gymnastics is not a sport
56:12because romanians
56:13are good at it
56:14took me a long time
56:18to come up with that rule
56:18but
56:19my god
56:20I thought of one
56:21polo
56:23polo isn't a sport
56:24polo is golf
56:25on horseback
56:26it's a great concept
56:28but it's not a sport
56:29and water polo
56:31I don't even want to mention
56:32water polo
56:32because it's extremely cruel
56:34to the horses
56:34which brings me to hunting
56:41you think hunting's a sport
56:43ask the deer
56:44the only thing good about hunting
56:46is the many accidents
56:47on the weekends
56:48which brings me to auto racing
56:51now we're talking
56:54serious goddamn injuries
56:56folks
56:56I don't know about you
56:58but that's what I'm looking for
56:59in auto racing
56:59a nice crash
57:00and a car fire
57:01I don't care who wins
57:02these races
57:03it's the same five rednecks
57:04who win all the time
57:05anyway who gives a shit
57:06about these people
57:07I gotta be honest with you
57:09listen
57:09I gotta be honest
57:12driving 500 miles in a circle
57:14does not impress me
57:16I'm looking for an accident
57:19let me put it this way
57:20when else am I gonna see
57:21a 26 car collision
57:22and not be in the goddamn thing
57:24then we have tennis
57:28now tennis
57:29very trendy
57:34not a sport
57:35tennis is a form of ping pong
57:37in fact
57:39tennis is ping pong played
57:41while standing on the table
57:43you know
57:47great idea
57:50but it's not a sport
57:52in fact
57:53all racket games
57:54are nothing but derivatives
57:55of ping pong
57:56even volleyball
57:58is racketless
57:59team ping pong
57:59played with an inflated ball
58:00and a raised net
58:01while standing on the table
58:02then finally
58:06we come to golf
58:07do you ever watch golf
58:10on TV
58:10it's like watching flies fuck
58:13I get more excited
58:22picking out socks
58:23golf could be fun
58:27if you could play alone
58:28but it's these genetic defectives
58:30that you have to hang around with
58:32that makes it such a boring pastime
58:34think of the brains
58:36that it takes to play golf
58:37hitting a ball
58:39with a crooked stick
58:41and then
58:42walking after it
58:44and then
58:48hitting it again
58:49I say pick it up asshole
58:52you're lucky you found it
58:53put it in your pocket
58:53and go the fuck home
58:55will ya
58:55thank you
58:59good night everybody
59:00thank you all
59:03very much
59:04have a good time
59:19good night
59:19thank you
59:20thank you very much
59:26good night now
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59:54good night
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