- 5/2/2025
Five-time Emmy award winner Dennis Miller takes on the current climate like no other can in Fake News, Real Jokes! From selfies and airline travel to Trump and journalists, he delivers his signature critical assessments in his low key style that has been deemed by The Hollywood Reporter as "the most cerebral, astute and clever standup ever".
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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FunTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, Dennis Miller!
00:30You, uh...
00:35Hashtag blessed.
00:45Hashtag blessed.
00:50Hashtag having a hot season on the catwalks of Milan this year.
00:59Gotta admire the plucky little symbol. I think it's pretty much just a repurposed tic-tac-toe grid, but it's...
01:07It's hot. It's leaning forward is the hashtag, and it's...
01:12It's very woke.
01:16I think social media has allowed us to all come together as one and realize there was really no reason whatsoever for us to all come together as one.
01:31I guess the country is of two minds on President Trump's tweeting. I, uh...
01:37Sorry, but I find it hilarious.
01:40I think, uh...
01:46I think since Trump doesn't drink, lighting up assholes on Twitter is his cognac before bed.
01:55You ever notice all the people telling Trump to quit tweeting do so on Twitter?
02:08Everybody's taking selfies, too, huh?
02:14I have an idea for a History Channel pilot making use of selfies where we go back and we shoot great disasters throughout history through the prism of the selfie.
02:25But the selfie was the cause of it, like the kid in the crow's nest on the Titanic.
02:30Yeah.
02:35Cop outside the Lincoln box at the Ford Theater.
02:44Me telling my stockbroker to buy 550 shares of JDS Uniphase at 153.
02:52The real disasters.
02:56I think if you come back years from now,
03:00go to a Museum of Natural History to study human skeletal remains,
03:04you'll no doubt see that the right arm is hyperextended from the selfies, you know.
03:10What do you think happened then, Mommy?
03:16I flew into Knoxville the other day, had a rough flight.
03:19A woman sitting next to me had a therapy puff at her.
03:25Commercial air travel is shit.
03:26Complete and utter shit.
03:28It's irreducible shit.
03:30It's prime number shit.
03:31It's prime number shit.
03:32It's prime number shit.
03:40Sometimes it's so bad I actually think about staple gunning a twine handle into my forehead and flying on FedEx's freight.
03:49There aren't even hijackings anymore.
03:50You know, people...
03:51Guys...
03:52Guys...
03:53Guys don't mind dying for their cause, they just don't want to spend the last few moments
03:58in commercial.
03:59The worst aspect has to be
04:28has to be how adversarial it is with the with the flight crew I look at the crew
04:33now they genuinely hate us I guess that was most vividly depicted around a year
04:40three months ago by dr. Dow the the man on United Airlines there is that slipped
04:47our memory I remember that freak show ironically that's all I have to be
04:52dragged on the United Airlines you know they've made him out to be a tragic hero
05:00but I thought he was a massive pain in the ass I thought he was the blank square
05:05and asshole Scrabble dr. Dow was crazier than Rasputin's margin doodles my plane on
05:21the way in committed the ultimate atrocity it arrived early at the gate Jesus can
05:28we make it as hard to get into our country as it is to get off your plane
05:33when it arrives early at the terminal
05:45they immediately shunt you out to the very back of the runway or way out there
05:51all of a sudden it gets very somber like you're in the middle of a hostage negotiation at the raid on
05:58Entebbe or something the plane goes completely dark if you listen closely you think you can
06:04hear the the borrowers disassembling the plane and when you get out on the back of the tarmac stay in
06:11your seats everybody real rigid like all of a sudden you volunteered to go up on
06:16stage where for a knife thrower wearing an eye patch or something you know
06:20naturally I've got a piece I'm in row four I mean I don't know how I'm gonna get up there
06:31guy in row one makes a break for it he's in clean but he doesn't have that much ground to travel
06:36I'm gonna go from four up you know like Red Grange in the old black and white newsreel footage
06:41so I try to use him opening the door as a you know distraction as soon as oh boom I'm in there he
06:51opens I'm in shot I'm in there only to realize that he has had what I can only assume is a
06:56a silhouette altering bowel movement
07:04you know he's just thinking how did the smoke alarm not go off why wasn't there any yellow police tape
07:15out there then the plane starts moving back to the terminal you've got to come out now to get back in
07:22your seat gotta make that wasn't me face to all the people who are stuck in the waft zone
07:30by the way some airplane toilet tactics if you ever are on a plane and you go up to the bathroom
07:42and the door's shut and it's marked occupied you have to jiggle the handle just to put them on the
07:49clock because they have to know that they're being timed at this point then after around a minute
07:58you always do that fake move where you look at the flight attendant you go do you think they're okay in
08:04there do you guys have a defibrillator I think if I appear a little cranky tonight I'm off my feet I
08:15lost my entire vaginal mess settlement last night on five consecutive hands of pie gal at the local
08:22Indian casino that were dealt by tribe member Elizabeth Warren
08:26good old dances with donors
08:37Elizabeth Warren is so two-faced she can simultaneously open a pair of iPhone 10s
08:45yeah she's Indian she's from a time of yore when great herds of bullshitters roamed the planet
08:55what else
09:01little feisty tonight because I'm currently in litigation I'm suing my 13 year old self
09:08for groping me
09:11needless to say when you're participating in your next menage at trois make sure one of the other
09:22participants is a notary
09:24yes tell them to bring the stamp
09:30on my home front I'm having labor problems I came down early for breakfast the other day
09:40found my Roomba portable sweeper organizing the other appliances into union activity
09:48to call in the Pinkertons
09:53so what I do today in Knoxville I took my nephew who's with me young nephew out to a small tiny local
10:04circus it was very disappointing turns out it was just a house that had been
10:08tented for termite proofing
10:10so I just walked around the streets and lowered my shoulder into people who are walking and texting at the same time
10:27and not looking where they're going
10:31I got a triple score today I got the guy with the bluetooth earpiece in who
10:42thinks he's working the soundboard on the Janet Jackson rhythm nation tour
10:48you know he's actually just on his way to Costco to buy a hundred and twenty eight count bushel of ramen
10:56then I went to Chipotle for lunch
11:06you know I think it's time they put norovirus on the big calorie board
11:12let me know what I'm getting you know
11:17I'm feeling a little a little bloated today I think I'll just have the Zika ball
11:23guy in front of me was making the Sophie's choice on whether or not the spring for the guac
11:32lower a shoulder into him to move it along
11:39went over to Starbucks told my barista I wanted to talk to her about race relations
11:45she told me that promotion was over
11:50if I persisted she'd have to call the gendarmes so
12:03I just ankled it over to Jiffy Lube talked a little quantum physics string theory with
12:09Junebug the night shift kid who's pulling days this week because big Stan and the old lady are on vacation and cause him out
12:16then I went over to the Apple store I'm thinking of getting an Apple watch I've always wanted to see
12:26gone with the wind on the screen the size of a Bazooka Joe comic
12:30might wait till next year and get the Apple cuff links so I can
12:40you know watch Wimbledon and work on my lats
12:45as I speak to you right now I'm wearing the Apple catheter and
12:53I think
12:57yeah Game of Thrones just came on
13:06kicked back with a big tumbler of cranberry juice
13:15there you have it my best cystitis joke
13:19on a surreal afternoon I used some flex seal on my miracle hose
13:27inadvertently open up a time space portal
13:31threw me back to the year 1066 the battle of Hastings where
13:38I introduced the bow into the concept of warfare
13:43evidently up until that point they had all worn clip-on ties
13:47and around three o'clock this afternoon I herniated a disc between sacrum three and four
13:58when I accordion down my veridesk without stretching beforehand
14:05what else what am I reading currently the Instagram of Dorian Gray and
14:15I received it as a Christmas present last year Christmas at the Miller is always a big holiday build around home and hearth
14:25each season my young sons and I go into the kitchen and prepare a big batch of gingerbread transgenders
14:33a little
14:35little extra dough but everybody feels included
14:43included
14:46and isn't that what it's all about
14:54every single moment
14:57of every single day
14:59I said I'm happy for Caitlyn Jenner I assume that if man gets to that point in his life he really has to do it
15:08I'm sincerely happy
15:09but can I get like a weekend to process this sort of stuff
15:13like who is that the decathlon chamber and Bruce Jenner is on the cover of
15:18Vanity Fair in a camisole
15:20I'm not against it I just got to figure that out for a second
15:27I mean all of a sudden blackjack's 22 can I get a
15:32do I still hit on 14 or do I
15:36but we get so silly about it
15:42listen I think most of us could care less
15:45or empathetic
15:46I'm happy when people are happy
15:48but
15:48yeah
15:50but boy we get so crazy about it
15:56I read an interview with the actress Jessica Lange
15:58where a guy was interviewing
16:00he said you're so absolutely beautiful
16:02you remind me of somebody I saw on the red carpet last night
16:05Caitlyn Jenner
16:06and Jessica Lange on the phone has to say
16:10I'm so flattered
16:11and you know she's thinking
16:13what are you fucking kidding me
16:17I'm Jessica Lange
16:25did you see King Kong for God's sake
16:29I'm a 65 year old woman
16:33she's a 69 year old new woman
16:37that's beyond the pale
16:40but you know she can't do that
16:41she can't even say
16:42I kind of take that as a compliment
16:44she has to say thank you
16:46the curtain comes down like a guillotine
16:52and if you're not on the right side
16:53look at the people in North Carolina
16:56for God's sakes
16:56all they said is
16:57we'd like to keep public bathrooms
16:59the status quo
17:00they are all of a sudden
17:01you know Pol Pot
17:02Turcamato
17:03the worst people who ever lived
17:04it's so funny to me
17:06the progressives
17:07don't even sense the irony
17:09of the fact
17:09that they all want to go to Havana Cuba
17:11but none of them will connect through
17:13Charlotte North Carolina anymore
17:15and all you ladies in the crowd
17:22you'd be very happy
17:23if the first female president
17:25ended up being a transgendered man
17:27wouldn't you
17:27sure you would
17:32it's all very silly
17:37what can I tell you about myself
17:40my hobbies
17:41I no longer watch the NFL
17:44I can't watch the NFL anymore
17:46I think they've
17:47listen it doesn't have a lot to do
17:54with the kneeling
17:55I know enough soldiers who say
17:57they fight for your right
17:58to make your choice
17:59so it's not that
18:00it's just they've gotten so neurotic
18:02about making
18:04the extremely violent game of football
18:08the entirely safe game of football
18:11because they care
18:13they all care
18:16Barack O Roger
18:17and the do-gooders
18:18they swoop in
18:20on a pretty good game
18:21as it stood
18:22like seagulls
18:23and a dreamsicle
18:24that's fallen onto a pier
18:25and man
18:26they just tear it asunder
18:29in the name of
18:30doing good
18:31and I don't think
18:38the kneeling's
18:38the end of the world
18:39I think they should
18:40stay on their knees
18:41because it is a violent game
18:42too many people
18:43are getting hurt
18:43and I think they should
18:45play the game
18:45on their knees
18:46like those
18:48Tim Conway
18:49golf videos
18:50you know
18:51if you have
18:55really shitty seats
18:56it looks the same
18:57you're thinking
18:58because it's too dangerous
19:04right now
19:04they've got guys
19:06going off
19:07into the King Faisal tent
19:09on the sidelines
19:10for the concussion protocol
19:12you never see them again
19:14by the way
19:14they never come back yet
19:16I think the concussion protocol
19:18is they get them in the tent
19:19and ask them to define
19:20what currently constitutes
19:22a catch
19:23in the NFL
19:24and nobody quite
19:27has the answer
19:27I like baseball
19:30I've already been
19:32to a Dodger game
19:33I went to
19:34mini bat souvenir day
19:36mini bat day
19:37or as I like to think of it
19:39as road rage
19:40resolution tool day
19:42you ever had that
19:45crazy bastard
19:46jump out of the car
19:47in front of you
19:47with a
19:48little Rico
19:50carting model
19:52what else can I tell you
19:55by myself
19:56I like a nice nap
19:57I usually nap
19:58from 2 to 3
19:59in the afternoon
19:59I think of that
20:00as the
20:00I think of that
20:02as the cocktail hour
20:04for napping
20:05and if I fall off
20:07a little earlier
20:07I'm always able
20:08to tell myself
20:09that it must be
20:092 o'clock somewhere
20:10in the world
20:11I nap pretty readily
20:13because I don't have
20:14sleep apnea
20:15I watch those commercials
20:16I feel so sorry
20:17for those poor bastards
20:19and all the gear
20:20you've seen that look
20:21can you imagine
20:23bringing a woman
20:23home to sleep
20:24for the first time
20:26and she looks over
20:28and you've got
20:29that whole
20:29fucking chandelier
20:32from Phantom
20:33strapped on your face
20:35she has to pretend
20:38she's with a
20:39deep sea pearl diver
20:40or something
20:41you know
20:42you're over there
20:43with a white board
20:44and a waterproof marker
20:45wanna fuck
20:47I married the loveliest
21:01of women
21:02a Canadian girl
21:03we have two great sons
21:04it's tricky
21:06being a kid today
21:07you know
21:07it's
21:08yeah
21:10kids don't have it easy
21:12huh
21:13look at the
21:14look what we make
21:15kids jump through
21:16hoop wise
21:16in the last 20 years
21:17as far as
21:18learning a second language
21:19taking up a sport
21:21joining
21:22student united nations
21:24you get a week off
21:26you go to Mexico
21:26to build a
21:28house for a stranger
21:29you have to
21:30be on debate team
21:32all of this
21:32this heavy
21:33rigorous schedule
21:34for a young kid
21:35just to get into
21:37one of the big five schools
21:38or you know
21:39Ivy League school
21:40and then they get out
21:42and they're told
21:42they have to practice
21:43socialism now
21:44you can see the kids
21:47thinking
21:47wait a second
21:48I'm gonna make
21:49what Jimmy Scoggins
21:50makes
21:51Christ
21:52he took two years
21:53to make a manatee
21:55figurine
21:55in shop class
21:56I went to the
21:59University of Pennsylvania
22:00for Christ's sake
22:02why
22:02are you kidding me
22:04why didn't you
22:05let me sleep in
22:06all being preached
22:12by the all too
22:13appropriately
22:14initialed
22:15Bernie Sanders
22:16ask repeatedly
22:19what your country
22:20can do for you
22:20not what you can do
22:22for your country
22:22every time I see
22:24Bernie Sanders speak
22:26he's asking me
22:26to share something
22:27with him
22:28alright here goes
22:29you're a shithead
22:31out there
22:41incessantly
22:42preaching
22:43the gospel
22:44of subsidized
22:45self-reliance
22:46huh
22:46yeah
22:48I think Bernie's
22:49smart enough
22:50to know
22:50there's great hay
22:51to be made
22:52these days
22:52convincing kids
22:53they don't need
22:54money to be
22:55truly rich
22:55I think he wrote
22:58that in his third
22:59home
22:59the one on the lake
23:00and they all
23:02hate Trump
23:03though
23:03they love Bernie
23:04and they hate Trump
23:05they're out there
23:06marching against
23:06Trump 24-7
23:08it's their first
23:08full-time job
23:09as he promised
23:10by the way
23:11you gotta
23:13you gotta stay away
23:18from those marches
23:20man huh
23:20tricky out there
23:22a lot of violent
23:22pacifists
23:23a lot of young
23:27people with love
23:28in their hearts
23:29who want you dead
23:30if you're not
23:30loving enough
23:31tricky
23:34we have got a
23:41whole different world
23:45for kids now
23:46I think they
23:47want to follow
23:47their natural instincts
23:48as far as getting ahead
23:49dreaming big
23:50going for it
23:51and yet they're all
23:52sort of muted down
23:53you don't want to get
23:54too far in front of the pack
23:55you don't want to be
23:55somebody who tries
23:56to show up
23:57other people
23:57I don't even
23:58have these arguments
23:59I don't talk politics
24:01with my kid anymore
24:02I don't need those
24:02falcon and the snowman
24:04arguments at the
24:04dinner table
24:05I just take it
24:07on face value
24:08I love them
24:08they love me
24:09and it's a whole
24:10different planet
24:12mostly due to
24:12technology
24:13technology
24:14couldn't be more
24:15different than
24:15when we were kids
24:16you want to see
24:17how different it is
24:18ask your kid
24:18if you can borrow
24:19a pen
24:19they look at you
24:26like your dog
24:28when you put
24:28peanut butter
24:29on the roof
24:30of his mouth
24:30a pen
24:33get their phone out
24:36to google pen
24:37and see what it is
24:38have you seen
24:41your kids
24:41thumbs lately
24:42they're like
24:43snowshoes
24:44for god's sake
24:45I feel bad
24:48for the poor thumb
24:49thought it was
24:50in its retirement
24:51you know
24:52plucking a fruit
24:53out of a fruit pie
24:54once in a while
24:55hitchhiking
24:57maybe acting as
24:58you know
24:59wingman
25:00in the masturbation
25:01process
25:01all of a sudden
25:02all of a sudden
25:05it's like
25:05thumb navy seal
25:07camp
25:07or something
25:08and kids are
25:09hip deep
25:10in political
25:11correctness
25:11now
25:12aren't they
25:12I got a job
25:13at my local
25:14college
25:14as a safe
25:15space
25:15lifeguard
25:16I jump in
25:19when the kids
25:19are drowning
25:20in their own
25:20bullshit
25:21it's official
25:31names now
25:32hurt kids
25:33more than
25:34sticks and stones
25:35we have raised
25:37a generation
25:38of emotional
25:39hemophiliacs
25:40politically correct
25:43grievance junkies
25:44who are all
25:45too eager
25:46to throw
25:47themselves
25:47on the
25:48tepid
25:48grenade
25:49of minor
25:50insult
25:50and they are
25:55pretty pleased
26:02with themselves
26:03too
26:03how many times
26:04have you been
26:04at a four-way
26:05stop sign
26:06where a group
26:07of kids
26:07in a Prius
26:08with a co-exist
26:09bumper sticker
26:10pulls up
26:12to the other
26:12stop sign
26:13a good two
26:14to three seconds
26:14after you've
26:15been there
26:16they immediately
26:17go to a stop
26:17and then wave
26:18you through
26:19oh really
26:20lieutenant
26:21fuckwad
26:22because you know
26:22something
26:23are you kidding
26:26when I got
26:28to this
26:28intersection
26:29you still
26:29were in
26:30the amniotic
26:31sack
26:31pal
26:32I just
26:39sit there
26:40half laugh
26:41half cry
26:42when I realize
26:42I'm paying
26:43for their
26:43health care
26:44until they're
26:4473 years
26:45so
26:45I think
26:46I think
26:51George Orwell
26:52missed it
26:52by around
26:5335 years
26:54it is
26:55crazy out
26:56there
26:56so PC
26:57and people
26:58are so
26:59cranky
27:00for God's
27:00sakes
27:01the other
27:01day
27:02I'm in
27:02a supermarket
27:03in Safeway
27:05and I'm in
27:07I'm in
27:07the mosh pit
27:08in front of
27:08the chanterelle
27:09mushroom bin
27:10guy next to
27:21me sneezes
27:22I say
27:22gesundheit
27:23he says
27:23you're a
27:24Nazi
27:24I said
27:26no
27:26God bless
27:28you
27:28he said
27:29don't get
27:29on me
27:29Christian
27:30I'm just
27:32trying to
27:33apply a
27:33grace note
27:34to the
27:34rapid
27:34expulsion
27:35of air
27:35through your
27:36sinus cavity
27:37don't talk
27:38down to me
27:39Dennis
27:39I give up
27:43because you're
27:43a passive
27:44aggressive
27:44motherfucker
27:45and I
27:48write the
27:49checks for
27:49all this
27:50I'm their
27:51detested
27:52sugar daddy
27:53in California
27:54California
27:56where the
27:56last time
27:56they almost
27:57voted
27:57Republican
27:58for president
27:59was Bob
28:00Dole
28:00because they
28:01misunderstood
28:01his last
28:02name to
28:02mean more
28:03freebies
28:04we've
28:13now reached
28:13the
28:13surreal
28:14junction
28:14point
28:15in
28:15California
28:15where
28:16unemployed
28:16people
28:17are
28:17actually
28:17participating
28:19in
28:19take a
28:19day
28:20off
28:20from
28:20work
28:20protests
28:21I
28:23think
28:23the
28:23last
28:23full
28:24time
28:24job
28:24in
28:24Cali
28:25is
28:25pulling
28:25together
28:26your
28:26outfit
28:27for
28:27Coachella
28:28next
28:28year
28:29Trump
28:34came out
28:35around a
28:35month ago
28:35people were
28:36booing him
28:37wherever he
28:37stopped
28:37you know
28:38quite frankly
28:38for Donald
28:39Trump
28:39to receive
28:40a warm
28:41welcome
28:41in California
28:42these days
28:43he'd have
28:43to come
28:44in there
28:44illegally
28:45getting
28:56soft
28:57physically
28:58I went
28:58to the
28:58doctor
28:58last week
28:59I had a
28:59pain
29:00and here
29:00he said
29:00well you've
29:01strained
29:01an oblique
29:02but I
29:02can't
29:03quite be
29:04sure
29:04where it's
29:05at
29:05I'm not
29:09the only
29:09one who's
29:09gotten
29:09lazy
29:10though
29:10the whole
29:10country
29:11is getting
29:11a little
29:11lazy
29:12I think
29:13we're now
29:13collectively
29:13too lazy
29:14to actually
29:15get restless
29:15leg syndrome
29:16anymore
29:17even hard
29:19working guys
29:20are getting
29:20a little
29:20lazy
29:21I saw
29:21are UPS
29:22is now
29:22going to
29:22have drones
29:23bring things
29:24up from
29:24the truck
29:25to the
29:25front door
29:26you know
29:27rather than
29:28walking up
29:28those 20
29:29feet
29:29the guy
29:30would rather
29:30use
29:31you know
29:31exploding caps
29:32to blow
29:32the fucking
29:33back trunk
29:34off
29:34like the
29:37hydrofoil
29:37and thunderball
29:38or something
29:39and have
29:40that little
29:41drone come
29:41up and bring
29:42your mascara
29:43up to the
29:43front door
29:44really
29:46do we
29:46need
29:47this
29:47probably
29:49lonely
29:49housewives
29:50at home
29:50love it
29:51though
29:51when they
29:51hear that
29:52vibrating
29:52sound
29:52coming up
29:53the front
29:53walk
29:54and have it
29:58in for a
29:58drink
29:59they don't
29:59even have
30:00to work
30:00through the
30:00black knee
30:01high socks
30:01and the
30:02shorts
30:02want to come
30:06in for a
30:07WD-40
30:08yeah we've
30:13gotten lazy
30:13we're taking
30:13it lying
30:14down
30:14literally
30:15TV
30:16unbelievable
30:17there are
30:17couch potatoes
30:18now wearing
30:19GoPro cameras
30:20on helmets
30:21so they can
30:23chronicle
30:24Aunt Jackie
30:25bringing the
30:25Chex Mix
30:26in
30:26hey Jackie
30:27bring it
30:27in here
30:28that's good
30:34a lot of TV
30:4213 hour
30:43miniseries
30:43is on
30:44OJ Simpson
30:45it's
30:45unbelievable
30:46and by the way
30:48I want to
30:49congratulate the
30:50juice
30:50I read today
30:50that he's been
30:51selected as
30:52Uber's driver
30:53of the month
30:54you can record
31:00anything on TV
31:01now
31:02you don't even
31:02have to use
31:03a hand
31:04program
31:05you just talk
31:05to Alexa
31:06on the coffee
31:07table
31:07which is so
31:08ironic
31:09because I have
31:09a friend
31:09who's married
31:10to a woman
31:11named Alexa
31:11and she won't
31:12do a fucking
31:12thing you ask
31:13her to do
31:13one thing I
31:17don't watch
31:18anymore
31:18is the Oscars
31:19instead of
31:20watching the
31:20Oscars
31:21this year
31:21I kayak
31:22solo
31:23across the
31:24Pacific
31:24with a
31:26rabid
31:26raccoon
31:27in my
31:27lap
31:28I don't
31:35even think
31:35we'll go
31:36to theaters
31:36much in the
31:37future
31:37with Netflix
31:38it seems
31:38like everybody
31:39is
31:39I think
31:40Netflix
31:41is such
31:41a smart
31:42company
31:42but I
31:42think
31:42they're
31:43missing
31:43an ancillary
31:44revenue stream
31:45I know
31:45when I
31:45was single
31:46and I
31:46was looking
31:46to date
31:47somebody
31:47or did
31:48you go
31:48on a
31:48second
31:48date
31:49it was
31:49often
31:50predicated
31:50on a
31:50shared
31:51experience
31:51on films
31:52you remember
31:52how important
31:53that was
31:53if a woman
31:53said I
31:54loved that
31:54film
31:54and you
31:55loved it
31:55or vice
31:55versa
31:56they loved
31:56it
31:56and you
31:56hated it
31:57it was
31:57always a big
31:58tell and I
31:58think Netflix
31:59ought to tap
32:00into that
32:00and give a
32:01secondary charge
32:02of like $4.99
32:03a month
32:04to algorithmically
32:05hook you up
32:06with other
32:06young people
32:07who rent
32:08the same
32:09films as
32:09you
32:10you know
32:10and they
32:11could call it
32:12Netflix
32:12or
32:13just think
32:18it's
32:19it's my
32:20side
32:20hustle
32:21came up
32:24with an
32:24app
32:24called
32:25Air
32:25DMV
32:26which
32:26allows
32:27you
32:27to go
32:27to
32:27other
32:27cities
32:28and
32:28sleep
32:28in
32:29a
32:29stranger's
32:29car
32:30with
32:30him
32:30I'm
32:35writing
32:35a lot
32:36I'm
32:36working
32:36on a
32:36teleplay
32:37about
32:37a
32:38banana
32:38republic
32:39dictator
32:39who
32:40ironically
32:40is
32:40potassium
32:41deficient
32:42and
32:42hijinks
32:46ensue
32:46and
32:50I've
32:51written
32:51a
32:51nice
32:52Hallmark
32:53channel
32:53movie
32:54for
32:54Christmas
32:54about
32:55a
32:55young
32:55boy
32:56who's
32:56completely
32:56blind
32:57and he
32:58masturbates
32:58while
32:58looking
32:59directly
32:59into
32:59a
33:00solar
33:00eclipse
33:00and
33:01regains
33:01his
33:01sight
33:02and
33:02it's
33:02called
33:032020
33:092030
33:09I
33:10didn't
33:11want
33:11to
33:11wanted
33:12to
33:13give
33:13the
33:13actor
33:13some
33:14room
33:14to
33:14move
33:15an
33:17arc
33:17all
33:20right
33:20here's
33:20a joke
33:21that
33:21never
33:21works
33:21I've
33:23also
33:24written
33:24a
33:24screenplay
33:25about
33:25a
33:25nomadic
33:26tribe
33:27that
33:27has
33:27real
33:28trouble
33:28with
33:28goodbyes
33:29can't
33:38we
33:38stay
33:38then
33:38I
33:38just
33:39made
33:39varsity
33:39we
33:40gotta
33:40go
33:40but
33:42I'm
33:42friends
33:43with
33:44Omar
33:44Jr
33:44gotta
33:45go
33:45written
33:49a
33:49James
33:49Bond
33:50screenplay
33:51called
33:51Bitcoin
33:51Finger
33:52and
33:53he
33:55loves
33:55risk
33:56he
33:58loves
33:58only
33:59risk
33:59and
34:02I
34:02have
34:02an
34:02idea
34:03for
34:03a
34:03reality
34:03show
34:04about
34:04hoarders
34:05with
34:05impeccable
34:06taste
34:07quite
34:09frankly
34:09they
34:10shouldn't
34:10throw
34:10anything
34:10out
34:11I've
34:14written
34:14a book
34:15called
34:15killing
34:16everybody
34:16who
34:17O'Reilly
34:17hasn't
34:18killed
34:18already
34:19what else
34:28am I
34:28working on
34:29well
34:30since the
34:30end of
34:30the
34:31California
34:31drought
34:32I've
34:32been
34:32going
34:32door
34:33to
34:33door
34:33selling
34:34fruit
34:34dehydrators
34:35because
34:36I'm an
34:39enviro
34:40warrior
34:40I probably
34:43would be
34:44if Al Gore
34:45hadn't gotten
34:45there first
34:46actually got
34:48kicked out
34:48of his
34:48most recent
34:49documentary
34:50evidently
34:50you can't
34:51scream
34:51liar
34:51in a
34:52crowded
34:52theater
34:52in this
34:53country
34:53now he's
34:56got the
34:56Pope
34:57actually
34:57talking
34:58about
34:58global
34:58warming
34:59for God's
34:59sakes
35:00the Pope
35:00I need
35:01the Pope
35:02to stick
35:02to the
35:02hell is
35:03hot
35:03thing
35:04okay
35:04buddy
35:04I mean
35:07I've
35:10gone nuts
35:10with the
35:11environmentalism
35:12I recently
35:12stayed in
35:13a green
35:13hotel
35:13that was
35:14practicing
35:15sustainability
35:15at 930
35:17every night
35:18the housekeeper
35:19would come
35:19around
35:19and give
35:20each guest
35:20one sock
35:21off the
35:22common mint
35:22but I don't
35:30want to save
35:31the planet
35:31tonight
35:32it's 820
35:33bucks for
35:33this shithole
35:34suite
35:35let's face
35:37facts
35:37the country's
35:38very tribal
35:39half the country
35:39thinks global
35:40warming's the
35:40biggest problem
35:41facing us
35:42and half the
35:43country thinks
35:44it's terrorism
35:44I'm in
35:45the latter
35:46camp
35:46I don't
35:46decry
35:47them
35:47I make
35:47fun of
35:48it
35:48but if
35:48they want
35:48to do
35:49that
35:49fine
35:49but leave
35:50me alone
35:50to do
35:50my thing
35:51you know
35:51I take
35:51terrorism
35:52seriously
35:52when terrorists
35:53say they're
35:54terrorists
35:54I take
35:55them at
35:56bearded face
35:57value
35:57we are
36:01we are fighting
36:01the war
36:01on terror
36:02with the
36:02emergency
36:03break
36:03on
36:04we are
36:05fighting it
36:05with t-shirt
36:06cannons
36:06from NBA
36:07timeouts
36:08we should
36:09be beating
36:09on terrorists
36:10like Harry
36:11Reid's
36:12Bowflex
36:12beat on
36:13him
36:13we are
36:14in a
36:15I didn't
36:22even buy
36:22one but I
36:23sent a
36:23donation to
36:24Bowflex
36:24after that
36:25happened
36:25we are
36:28in a
36:29primal
36:29civilizational
36:30battle
36:31there are
36:32huge
36:32differences
36:33between us
36:34and that
36:34part of the
36:34world
36:35I don't
36:35like how
36:35they treat
36:36their women
36:36it appears
36:37to me
36:38that their
36:38entire
36:39alphabet
36:39is our
36:39punctuation
36:40marks
36:41I
36:43I don't
36:45like how
36:45they
36:45I don't
36:53like how
36:53they use
36:54poverty
36:54as a
36:55perpetual
36:55cudgel
36:56to keep
36:57their
36:57people
36:57in line
36:58I think
36:58Islam
36:59works best
36:59in poor
37:00countries
37:01because it
37:01prohibits
37:02what people
37:03cannot afford
37:03in the first
37:04place
37:04but now
37:05it's moving
37:05uptown
37:06to places
37:06like London
37:07where we have
37:08people being
37:08scimitared
37:09on the London
37:10bridge
37:10and then the
37:11London mayor
37:12tells them
37:12oh this isn't
37:13terrorism
37:14Sadiq Khan
37:15says it's
37:15just the
37:16work of an
37:17unprincipled
37:18individual
37:18what is this
37:19guy the
37:19fucking mayor
37:20from Jaws
37:21oh Martin
37:32the beaches
37:32will be
37:33open this
37:34summer
37:34of course
37:38it's not
37:39the only
37:39terrorism
37:40in the
37:40world
37:40but it's
37:41the great
37:41majority
37:42of it
37:42looks like
37:43we've
37:43tamped
37:44down
37:44one
37:44situation
37:45with that
37:46jagoff
37:46with the
37:47bad fate
37:47in North
37:48Korea
37:48huh
37:48how was
37:49that
37:49how was
37:51that
37:51for a
37:52summit
37:53that was
37:53a veritable
37:54bad haircut
37:55bonnaroo
37:56they say
38:06why did
38:06he come
38:07to the
38:07table
38:07now
38:08I think
38:08the summit
38:08came about
38:09because
38:09Kim Jong-un's
38:10wife
38:11really believed
38:12Trump would
38:12kill her
38:13husband
38:13I think
38:14she came
38:16in and
38:16said
38:16honey
38:17I'm going
38:18to sleep
38:18down the
38:19hall
38:19because
38:24from where
38:27I sit
38:27you're about
38:28to become
38:28Kim Jong-un
38:29okay
38:30it went
38:33pretty well
38:34though
38:34who knows
38:35if it'll
38:35work
38:36I was
38:37hoping
38:37for something
38:38else
38:38I thought
38:38when Pompeo
38:39went over
38:40early
38:40I was
38:40thinking
38:41oh maybe
38:41maybe Trump
38:42will recreate
38:43the godfather
38:44where Pompeo
38:46goes over
38:46and tapes
38:47a gun
38:47up in the
38:48toilet
38:48you know
38:49halfway
38:51through the
38:52summit
38:52Trump says
38:53I got a
38:54whiz
38:54is there
38:55a
38:55now Donald
38:58when you
38:58come out
38:59two
38:59in the
38:59head
39:00you drop
39:01the gun
39:01you walk
39:02to the
39:02front door
39:03you don't
39:03look at
39:03anybody
39:04but you
39:04don't look
39:04away
39:05from them
39:05either
39:05send you
39:07and Melania
39:08to Sicily
39:08for a couple
39:09years
39:09till it all
39:10chills
39:10Trump
39:14eventually
39:15comes back
39:16and walks
39:16into Paul
39:17Manafort's
39:17trial
39:18with Manafort's
39:19older brother
39:20from the
39:21old country
39:22you know
39:22Vincenzo
39:24Manafort
39:25but
39:31it would
39:31appear
39:31that's all
39:32gone by
39:32the boards
39:33Trump
39:33and Kim
39:33Jong-un
39:34are now
39:34besties
39:35I
39:35predict
39:37within a
39:37year
39:37you'll see
39:38Kim
39:38at Mar-a-Lago
39:39in Payne
39:40Stewart's
39:41shorts
39:41golfing
39:41with Trump
39:42they'll
39:44end up
39:46hosting
39:47the season
39:47premiere
39:48of Saturday
39:48Night Live
39:49next year
39:50but Trump's
39:55detractors
39:56are going to
39:56try to
39:56piss on
39:57the deal
39:57and tell you
39:58that he's
39:58made a bad
39:59deal
39:59meanwhile
40:00the Iran
40:01deal
40:02that's an
40:02absolutely
40:03great deal
40:03when John
40:04Kerry
40:04went over
40:05and gave
40:06Iran
40:06the first
40:07impression
40:07rose
40:08from
40:08The Bachelor
40:08that was
40:09I think
40:18if Trump
40:18ever does
40:19kill
40:19Kim Jong-un
40:20he'll probably
40:20do it
40:21with a
40:21Moab
40:21which seems
40:23to be
40:23his favorite
40:23weapon
40:24Moab
40:26is a mean
40:27weapon
40:27how pissed
40:27do you
40:28have to be
40:28on somebody
40:29to use
40:30the Moab
40:30you've got
40:31a 22,000
40:32pound object
40:33you take
40:34it to
40:3445,000
40:35feet
40:36dead
40:37dropping
40:37out of
40:37the back
40:38of an
40:38airplane
40:38onto your
40:39enemy
40:41and you
40:41even feel
40:42the need
40:42to put
40:43a propeller
40:43on the
40:44back
40:44of it
40:44just to
40:45get it
40:46down there
40:47a little
40:47quicker
40:48I guess
40:53to do that
40:54though
40:54Trump would
40:54have to
40:55clear it
40:55with the
40:55ultimate
40:55power
40:56in the
40:56universe
40:56that
40:57Hawaiian
40:58judge
40:58in the
40:59strip
40:59mall
40:59over on
41:00Maui
41:00who the
41:02hell
41:02is that
41:02guy
41:03did I
41:03vote for
41:03him
41:04does anybody
41:04know
41:04who that
41:05is
41:05I think
41:11if
41:11Kim Jong-on
41:12reneges
41:13on the
41:13deal
41:13Trump
41:13should
41:14charge
41:14him
41:14with
41:14sexual
41:15harassment
41:15that
41:17seems
41:18to do
41:18you
41:18in
41:19overnight
41:20the
41:21only
41:21guy
41:21who
41:21skates
41:22on
41:22accusations
41:23of
41:23sexual
41:23harassment
41:24now
41:24is
41:24Bill
41:25Clinton
41:25it's
41:25unbelievable
41:26even
41:28he
41:28can't
41:28believe
41:29it
41:29even
41:30he
41:30can't
41:31believe
41:31it
41:32they'll
41:33start
41:33talking
41:34about
41:34it
41:34you'll
41:34see
41:35him
41:35I
41:36wish
41:36I
41:37were
41:37a
41:38baby
41:38Christ
41:42Phil
41:43Clinton
41:44his
41:44secret
41:44service
41:45name
41:45was
41:46hey
41:46put
41:46that
41:46goddamn
41:47thing
41:47away
41:47and
41:54now
41:55Hillary
41:55is
41:55the
41:55ultimate
41:56champion
41:56of
41:56women
41:57Hillary
41:58you
41:59know
41:59in
41:59that
41:59last
41:59election
42:00they
42:00could
42:00have
42:00passed
42:00out
42:01a
42:01big
42:01sheet
42:01of
42:01paper
42:01that
42:02had
42:02two
42:02boxes
42:02on
42:03it
42:03one
42:03that
42:03said
42:03Hillary
42:04and
42:04one
42:04that
42:04said
42:04not
42:05Hillary
42:05and
42:06I
42:06was
42:06going
42:06to
42:06put
42:06my
42:07ex
42:07in
42:07not
42:08Hillary
42:08box
42:09okay
42:09listen
42:10Donald
42:19Trump
42:19is
42:19far
42:20from
42:20perfect
42:21I
42:21think
42:21he
42:21is
42:21a
42:21liar
42:22I
42:22think
42:22he
42:22is
42:24crass
42:24sometimes
42:25but
42:25I
42:25like
42:26the
42:26results
42:26I'm
42:26seeing
42:27in
42:27certain
42:27ways
42:27I
42:27can't
42:28do
42:28this
42:28silly
42:28game
42:29I
42:36think
42:36Trump
42:36should
42:37hire
42:37Hillary
42:38and
42:38ask
42:38her
42:39to
42:39deal
42:39with
42:39the
42:39stormy
42:40Daniel
42:40situation
42:41hey
42:46Hillary
42:46Donald
42:47hey
42:47listen
42:48I
42:48need
42:48some
42:48help
42:48you're
42:49unemployed
42:49and
42:50I
42:51know
42:51you
42:52know
42:52this
42:52drill
42:53I
42:55love
42:55it
42:55when
42:55they
42:55send
42:56her
42:56and
42:56Uma
42:56into
42:57the
42:57hinterland
42:58act
42:58like
42:58regular
42:59human
42:59beings
43:00together
43:00you
43:00know
43:00they
43:01come
43:01padding
43:02into
43:02a
43:02Del
43:03Taco
43:03like
43:04Team
43:05America
43:05puppets
43:06you
43:06know
43:06I
43:07I
43:08have
43:09a
43:09burrito
43:10yeah
43:11you
43:13charge
43:13that
43:13to
43:14the
43:14Clinton
43:14Foundation
43:15Clinton
43:18Foundation
43:18has
43:18shakier
43:19donors
43:19than a
43:20blood bank
43:20in a
43:21greyhound
43:21terminal
43:22and
43:25yet
43:25and
43:30yet
43:31she
43:31skates
43:32all
43:32the
43:32time
43:33the
43:33only
43:33time
43:33they'll
43:33eventually
43:34catch up
43:34with
43:34Hillary
43:35is
43:36when
43:36she
43:36I
43:37guess
43:37somewhere
43:37down
43:38the
43:38road
43:38kicks
43:38in
43:38a
43:39Las
43:39Vegas
43:39hotel
43:40room
43:40door
43:40to
43:40collect
43:40her
43:41bobble
43:41heads
43:41but
43:46what
43:46do
43:46you
43:46expect
43:47from
43:47politicians
43:48they're
43:48all
43:48alike
43:49huh
43:49politicians
43:50are
43:50more
43:50full
43:51of
43:51shit
43:51somehow
43:52than
43:53actual
43:53shit
43:54is
43:54full
43:54of
43:54shit
43:55almost
43:57all
44:00of
44:01them
44:01when
44:02you
44:02see
44:02a
44:02good
44:02guy
44:03you
44:03really
44:03think
44:04wow
44:04god
44:04bless
44:04you
44:05because
44:05it
44:05must
44:05be
44:05weird
44:06in
44:06there
44:06they
44:06all
44:07all
44:08parties
44:09all
44:09countries
44:10Ted
44:11Cruz
44:11Ted
44:12Cruz
44:12should
44:12be
44:13in
44:13a
44:13floor
44:13length
44:13cape
44:14hosting
44:15creature
44:15feature
44:16on
44:16Telemundo
44:17Joe
44:26Biden
44:27is a
44:27perpetual
44:28RSVP
44:29on the
44:29scene
44:30in
44:31Washington
44:31D.C.
44:32Biden
44:32went into
44:33the
44:33Senate
44:33I think
44:33when he
44:34was
44:3429
44:35he's
44:36now
44:36like
44:36140
44:37to me
44:39Biden
44:39always
44:39looks like
44:40the third
44:40guy
44:40in a
44:41car
44:41on a
44:41sonic
44:41commercial
44:42I
44:42think
44:42that
44:46being
44:46said
44:46Joe
44:47Biden
44:47looks
44:47like
44:48a
44:48tri-headed
44:48hydra
44:49of
44:49Julius
44:49Caesar
44:50Winston
44:50Churchill
44:51and
44:51the
44:51war
44:51and
44:51Gandhi
44:52when
44:52you
44:52compare
44:53him
44:53next
44:54to
44:54blink
44:54183
44:55Nancy
44:56Pelosi
44:56I
44:57actually
44:58have
45:01such
45:01trouble
45:01with
45:01Pelosi
45:02that
45:02sometimes
45:03I
45:03feel
45:03like
45:04weird
45:04about
45:05it
45:05because
45:05I
45:05don't
45:05usually
45:05let
45:06politics
45:06get
45:06that
45:07far
45:07into
45:07my
45:07head
45:08but
45:08there
45:08are
45:08times
45:09I'm
45:09watching
45:09I
45:09get
45:09so
45:10angry
45:10I
45:11just
45:11drop
45:12this
45:12this
45:12is
45:12weird
45:13I
45:13actually
45:14talked
45:14to
45:14a
45:14shrink
45:14about
45:15it
45:15I
45:15said
45:16I
45:16need
45:16a
45:16little
45:17help
45:17here
45:17I'm
45:18a
45:18little
45:18embarrassed
45:18to
45:19say
45:19there
45:19sometimes
45:19I
45:19really
45:20get
45:21obsessively
45:22angry
45:22with
45:23Nancy
45:23Pelosi
45:23and
45:24I
45:24don't
45:25like
45:25that
45:25feeling
45:25I
45:26can't
45:26help
45:26you
45:27Dennis
45:27I
45:27fucking
45:27hate
45:28her
45:28too
45:28and
45:38yet
45:38Trump
45:38continues
45:39to
45:39reach
45:39out
45:40to
45:40these
45:40people
45:40they
45:41always
45:41say
45:41he's
45:41such
45:41a
45:42bad
45:42guy
45:42he
45:42had
45:42Schumer
45:43and
45:43Pelosi
45:43over
45:44to
45:44the
45:44White
45:45House
45:45for
45:45dinner
45:45can
45:46you
45:46see
45:46the
45:46look
45:47on
45:47Trump's
45:47face
45:47when
45:48Schumer
45:48starts
45:49pre-chewing
45:49her food
45:50for her
45:50and
45:50lowing
45:51into
45:51an
45:51eye
45:52dropper
45:52squeeze it
45:55down her
45:55beak
45:56like some
45:56rain-soaked
45:57wren
45:58on
45:58Alcatraz
45:59for God's
45:59sakes
46:00Pelosi
46:03is the
46:03all-too
46:04nasty
46:04face
46:05of
46:05modern
46:05liberalism
46:06I
46:06used to
46:06be a
46:07liberal
46:07I
46:08had to
46:08move
46:08on
46:09because
46:09I
46:09wasn't
46:09certain
46:10enough
46:10of
46:10my
46:11guesswork
46:11I
46:12think
46:12modern
46:12liberalism
46:13is
46:13like
46:13a
46:14nude
46:14beach
46:14it
46:15sounds
46:15good
46:15till
46:16you
46:16get
46:16there
46:16a
46:25lot
46:25of
46:25cankles
46:26lot
46:26of
46:27misspelled
46:27tats
46:28and
46:33while I
46:33have
46:33problems
46:34with
46:34Trump
46:34I
46:35do
46:35like
46:35the
46:35fact
46:35that
46:36he
46:36wants
46:36to
46:36knock
46:37down
46:37the
46:37whole
46:38Washington
46:39D.C.
46:39Jenga
46:40tower
46:41of
46:41bullshit
46:42now
46:51not
46:51everybody
46:52likes
46:52Trump
46:53my
46:53wife
46:53does
46:54not
46:54like
46:54Donald
46:55Trump
46:55but
46:55it's
46:56like
46:56that
46:56meme
46:56you
46:57got
46:57on
46:57your
46:57computer
46:57last
46:58year
46:58where
46:59it
46:59said
46:59what
46:59color
47:00is
47:00this
47:00striped
47:00dress
47:01and
47:02I
47:02guess
47:02I
47:02saw
47:02the
47:02dress
47:03as
47:03white
47:03and
47:03gold
47:04and
47:04my
47:05wife
47:05sees
47:05the
47:05dress
47:06as
47:06blue
47:06and
47:06black
47:07so
47:07of
47:07course
47:08you
47:08know
47:08what
47:08that
47:08means
47:09dress
47:10is
47:10blue
47:10and
47:10black
47:11I
47:14know
47:14he's
47:14rough
47:15I
47:15know
47:15it
47:16was
47:16a
47:16bad
47:16scene
47:16at
47:16the
47:17border
47:17I
47:17don't
47:17think
47:18you
47:18can
47:18break
47:18up
47:18families
47:19I
47:20don't
47:20think
47:20you
47:20have
47:20to
47:20let
47:21everybody
47:21in
47:21but
47:22if
47:22you
47:22turn
47:22them
47:22away
47:22you
47:23got
47:23to
47:23keep
47:23them
47:23together
47:24I
47:24think
47:25that
47:25the
47:25fact
47:26is
47:26if
47:26they're
47:26not
47:27going
47:27to
47:27go
47:27to
47:27an
47:27official
47:28entry
47:28site
47:28and
47:29they
47:29show
47:29up
47:29why
47:30is
47:30Mexico
47:30up
47:31here
47:31where
47:31the
47:31fuck
47:32does
47:32Mexico
47:32get
47:33off
47:33that
47:33they
47:33don't
47:34have
47:34people
47:34up
47:35here
47:36on
47:38their
47:38side
47:38of
47:38the
47:39fence
47:39acting
47:40as
47:40counselors
47:41to
47:41help
47:41these
47:42poor
47:42people
47:42who
47:43the
47:43hell
47:43wants
47:43to
47:43take
47:43their
47:44kid
47:44in
47:44the
47:44middle
47:44of
47:44the
47:44night
47:45and
47:45cross
47:45a
47:45border
47:46unless
47:46they
47:46really
47:47feel
47:47they're
47:47up
47:47against
47:47it
47:48where
47:48is
47:48Mexico
47:49meeting
47:49them
47:49in
47:49some
47:50sort
47:50of
47:50triage
47:51and
47:51saying
47:51what's
47:51the
47:51problem
47:51can
47:52we
47:52help
47:52out
47:52before
47:53you
47:53go
47:53over
47:53there
47:53we
47:53want
47:53you
47:54to
47:54stay
47:54here
47:54you're
47:55our
47:55citizen
47:55and
47:56if they
47:56say
47:56no
47:57we
47:57don't
47:57want
47:57to
47:57stay
47:57here
47:58it's
47:58crazy
47:58you go
47:59okay
47:59here
47:59get
48:00in
48:00a
48:00car
48:00we'll
48:00take
48:00you
48:01down
48:01to
48:01the
48:01proper
48:01entry
48:02point
48:02why don't
48:02we
48:02just
48:03use
48:03our
48:03heads
48:03on
48:04stuff
48:04like
48:04this
48:04it
48:05wasn't
48:05right
48:05to
48:05separate
48:06families
48:06when
48:07Trump
48:07did
48:07it
48:07it
48:08wasn't
48:08right
48:08when
48:08Obama
48:09did
48:09it
48:09it
48:09wasn't
48:09right
48:10when
48:10Bush
48:10did
48:10it
48:11but
48:11this
48:11whole
48:11thing
48:12about
48:12Donald
48:13Trump
48:13being
48:13a
48:13Nazi
48:14for
48:14Christ
48:14you
48:14know
48:14the
48:15big
48:15thing
48:15about
48:15Nazis
48:16is
48:16you
48:17can't
48:17cry
48:18Nazi
48:18too
48:19many
48:19times
48:19before
48:20it
48:20becomes
48:21almost
48:21falling
48:22on
48:22deaf
48:22ears
48:23listen
48:23Donald
48:24Trump
48:24is
48:25a
48:25rough
48:25guy
48:26but
48:26when
48:27I
48:27hear
48:27Nazi
48:28what
48:28do
48:28you
48:28think
48:29of
48:29everybody
48:29knows
48:30what
48:30the
48:30association
48:31with
48:31Nazi
48:31is
48:32the
48:32systematic
48:32liquidation
48:33of
48:336
48:34million
48:34of
48:35their
48:35fellow
48:35human
48:36beings
48:36so
48:37if
48:37you
48:37say
48:37that
48:37to
48:38somebody
48:38when
48:38they
48:38call
48:38Trump
48:39Hitler
48:39they'll
48:39say
48:40oh
48:40I
48:40didn't
48:40mean
48:40that
48:41and
48:41you
48:41go
48:41oh
48:41really
48:42what
48:42other
48:42one
48:42of
48:42Hitler's
48:43peccadilloes
48:44were you
48:45referring
48:45to
48:46the
48:47shitty
48:47mustache
48:48or
48:49oh
48:50he's
48:50a
48:50bad
48:50house
48:51painter
48:51come on
48:52they've
48:56overplayed
48:56that card
48:57I see
48:57Trump's
48:58obvious
48:58downside
48:59I think
49:00we all
49:00do
49:00I think
49:01he was
49:01born
49:01in
49:01Kenya
49:02but
49:02the
49:02thing
49:03is
49:03he
49:12certainly
49:12drives
49:13the
49:13people
49:14who
49:14hate
49:14him
49:15absolutely
49:16crazy
49:17I think
49:18that's
49:19what the
49:19country
49:19likes
49:20in a
49:20way
49:21I
49:21I
49:22I've
49:23never
49:23seen
49:24anything
49:24like
49:24it
49:25what
49:25about
49:25the
49:25night
49:25Hillary
49:25lost
49:26the
49:26thing
49:27at
49:27the
49:27Javits
49:27Center
49:28it's
49:29like
49:30a
49:30snowflake
49:31Jonestown
49:32Donald
49:37Trump
49:37is
49:38further
49:38into
49:39their
49:39heads
49:39than
49:40their
49:40favorite
49:41childhood
49:41memories
49:42he
49:45has
49:45driven
49:46Robert
49:46De Niro
49:47completely
49:48around
49:49the
49:49bend
49:50and
49:58other
49:59guys
49:59have
49:59come
49:59to
49:59the
50:00floor
50:00and
50:00impressed
50:00me
50:01listen
50:01that's
50:01a
50:01big
50:02thing
50:02for
50:02Kanye
50:02West
50:03to
50:03do
50:03I
50:03didn't
50:04know
50:04what
50:04to
50:04make
50:04of
50:04him
50:05I
50:05always
50:05thought
50:05what
50:06is
50:06his
50:06story
50:07I'd
50:08see
50:08him
50:09he'd
50:09be
50:09drunk
50:10you know
50:11grabbing
50:11Taylor
50:12Swift's
50:13Grammy
50:13and I
50:13always
50:13think
50:14wow
50:14that is
50:14a
50:14weird
50:15cat
50:15but
50:15what
50:15he
50:15did
50:16I
50:16think
50:16is
50:16I
50:18think
50:18it's
50:18important
50:19in a
50:19way
50:19I
50:20think
50:20for
50:20a
50:20man
50:20to
50:21be
50:21that
50:21free
50:21a
50:21thinker
50:22I
50:22really
50:22have
50:22to
50:22admire
50:23him
50:23you
50:23know
50:23you
50:23saw
50:24what
50:24he
50:24faced
50:24after
50:25he
50:25did
50:25that
50:25he'll
50:26probably
50:26continue
50:27to
50:27face
50:27I
50:27think
50:27they
50:27had
50:28to
50:28ratchet
50:28it
50:28down
50:29for
50:29a
50:29few
50:29weeks
50:29because
50:30they
50:30thought
50:30my god
50:31we
50:31can't
50:31be
50:31that
50:31rough
50:32on
50:32this
50:32guy
50:32he's
50:33like
50:33you
50:33know
50:33he
50:34just
50:34expressing
50:35his
50:35opinion
50:36but
50:36I'm
50:36telling
50:37you
50:37that's
50:37a
50:37seminal
50:38moment
50:38in
50:38this
50:38whole
50:39conflagration
50:40if
50:41indeed
50:41Kanye
50:42West
50:43has
50:43pushed
50:52I
51:00love
51:00it
51:00when
51:00the
51:00people
51:01who
51:01hate
51:01Trump
51:01have
51:02to
51:02kiss
51:02his
51:02ring
51:02to
51:03do
51:03business
51:03when
51:05they
51:05have
51:05all
51:05those
51:06tech
51:06geniuses
51:07to
51:07the
51:07White
51:07House
51:07for
51:08the
51:08tech
51:08summit
51:08they
51:09all
51:09show
51:09up
51:09except
51:10Elon
51:10Musk
51:11whose
51:11car
51:11wouldn't
51:11start
51:12but
51:12they
51:15all
51:15have
51:16to
51:16come
51:16in
51:16and
51:16pretend
51:17they
51:17like
51:17him
51:18is
51:18there
51:18anything
51:18more
51:18delicious
51:19than
51:20visionaries
51:21who
51:21didn't
51:21see
51:21it
51:21coming
51:22over
51:29on
51:29CNN
51:29we
51:30got
51:30Wolf
51:31Blitzer
51:31the
51:32hapless
51:32U-boat
51:33commander
51:33you
51:41know
51:41CNN
51:42unbelievable
51:43the
51:44reporting
51:44is so
51:45bad
51:45Wolf
51:45Blitzer
51:46has
51:46actually
51:46got
51:47his
51:47name
51:47wrong
51:48his
51:49actual
51:49name
51:50is
51:50Meerkat
51:50Prancer
51:51CNN
51:57couldn't
51:57be
51:57anymore
51:58in the
51:58throw
51:58it
51:59against
51:59the
51:59wall
51:59and
52:00see
52:00what
52:00sticks
52:01business
52:01if
52:02they
52:02were
52:02Jackson
52:03Pollock
52:04testing
52:05a strand
52:05of pasta
52:06to see
52:06if it
52:07was
52:07al dente
52:07while
52:08working
52:09in a
52:09spin art
52:10booth
52:10on a
52:11carnival
52:11midway
52:12ouch
52:13hold that
52:17oblique
52:18again
52:18reaching
52:19for that
52:19over on
52:23Fox
52:23you got
52:24Juan
52:24Williams
52:25he's
52:25turned into
52:26Aunt Pity
52:26Pat
52:26with the
52:27vapors
52:27I love
52:30it when
52:30he's
52:30on the
52:30five
52:31and
52:31somebody's
52:31making
52:31a
52:32salient
52:32point
52:32he has
52:33to
52:33act
52:33like
52:33he
52:33doesn't
52:33understand
52:34he always
52:36gives you
52:36that
52:36what the
52:37fuck
52:37face
52:37like
52:38Jim
52:39Morrison
52:39getting
52:39dragged
52:40off the
52:40stage
52:41in
52:41New
52:41Haven
52:41by
52:42the
52:42cops
52:42you know
52:43over on
52:50NBC
52:50you got
52:51Chuck Todd
52:52the
52:52perpetually
52:54flummoxed
52:55minoxidil
52:55fuss budget
52:56he's always
52:58upset
52:59like
52:59an under
53:00inflated
53:01Dilbert
53:02balloon
53:02outside
53:03a car
53:03dealership
53:04when it's
53:05right in
53:06the middle
53:06of
53:06Toyotathon
53:07journalists
53:11you can't
53:12trust
53:13journalists
53:13you can't
53:14trust
53:14the
53:14New
53:15York
53:15Times
53:16you're
53:16better
53:16off
53:17trusting
53:17the
53:17odometer
53:18readings
53:18and the
53:19auto
53:19trader
53:19for
53:20God's
53:20sake
53:21you want
53:23to know
53:23how little
53:24a journalism
53:24degree
53:25matters
53:25I have
53:26one
53:27I do
53:30and you
53:36know
53:36I think
53:37that
53:37he'll
53:38continue
53:38to get
53:39under
53:39their
53:39skin
53:40he has
53:40a
53:40walking
53:41talking
53:41reset
53:42button
53:43I think
53:44he's
53:45like
53:45a
53:45sort
53:45of
53:46quasi
53:46demented
53:47Mr.
53:47Miyagi
53:48wax on
53:48wax off
53:49he is
53:51eventually
53:51I think
53:52going to
53:52force
53:52the haters
53:53to tap
53:54out
53:54and
53:55he better
53:56fight
53:56because
53:56they're out
53:57to end
53:57him
53:57you know
53:58that
53:58it's not
53:59enough
53:59to get
54:00him
54:00impeached
54:00they want
54:01to end
54:01him
54:02and he
54:02doesn't
54:03have a
54:03lot of
54:03guys
54:03in his
54:04corner
54:04even
54:05the
54:05guys
54:05who
54:05should
54:05be
54:06Jeff
54:06Sessions
54:06are you
54:08kidding
54:08me
54:08he just
54:09walks
54:09around
54:10all day
54:10thinking
54:11he
54:11putty
54:12tat
54:12they'll
54:19fight
54:19Trump
54:20on
54:20absolutely
54:20everything
54:21and I
54:21don't even
54:22think they
54:22realize
54:23to play
54:23him
54:23they should
54:24be
54:24counterintuitive
54:25they're
54:26making him
54:26look better
54:26they're
54:27going to
54:27get him
54:27reelected
54:28I think
54:29they should
54:29have used
54:30their head
54:30yeah I
54:36think you
54:37have to
54:37come in
54:37off the
54:38nose cone
54:38on Trump
54:39you gotta
54:39tack in
54:40from the
54:40side
54:41like for
54:41instance
54:42when he
54:42put that
54:42travel ban
54:43out
54:43I remember
54:44thinking
54:44those
54:44seven
54:44countries
54:45one of
54:46them
54:46should
54:46have
54:46just
54:46used
54:47their
54:47head
54:47and
54:48went
54:48into
54:48their
54:48parliament
54:49and
54:49legally
54:49changed
54:50their
54:50name
54:50to
54:50shithole
54:51I
54:54think
54:54Trump
54:54would
54:54have
54:54loved
54:55that
54:55I
54:56think
54:57Pompeo
54:57would
54:57have
54:58said
54:58get
54:58this
54:58Sudan
54:59now
54:59officially
55:00shithole
55:01Trump
55:02would
55:02have
55:02said
55:03really
55:03get
55:03in
55:04here
55:04some
55:07noogies
55:08I like
55:08that
55:08you sit
55:09with
55:09me
55:09Melania
55:12Melania
55:12this is
55:13shithole
55:14shithole
55:14you're
55:18taking
55:19care
55:19of
55:20shithole
55:20forever
55:22he
55:27but
55:28but until
55:28Trump
55:29moves
55:30on
55:30he's
55:30going
55:30to
55:30turn
55:31their
55:31head
55:31into
55:31poppable
55:33bubble
55:33wrap
55:34and
55:34he'll
55:35continue
55:36to do
55:36so
55:37until
55:37of course
55:37he's
55:37called
55:38back
55:38to
55:38the
55:38Kremlin
55:38I
55:39think
55:39it's
55:39obvious
55:39that
55:40I
55:43think
55:43it's
55:43obvious
55:44that
55:44Donald
55:44Trump
55:45is
55:45a
55:45Soviet
55:46spy
55:46he
55:46inserted
55:49here
55:49at age
55:5015
55:50to go
55:50to a
55:51private
55:51school
55:51in
55:52upstate
55:52New
55:52York
55:53then
55:54unleashed
55:55on
55:55Manhattan
55:56where
55:56he
55:56became
55:56a
55:57multimillionaire
55:58or
55:58billionaire
55:59and
55:59slept
55:59with
55:59everything
56:00that
56:00moved
56:01until
56:02two
56:02years
56:02ago
56:03when
56:03Putin
56:03flipped
56:04the
56:04Red
56:05Queen
56:05and
56:05activated
56:06the
56:06ghost
56:06in
56:06the
56:06machine
56:07sure
56:10now
56:12and
56:14if
56:14you
56:14don't
56:14believe
56:14that
56:15you
56:15must
56:15be
56:15from
56:15North
56:16Carolina
56:16oh
56:20not
56:20to
56:20worry
56:20the
56:20FBI
56:21is
56:21on
56:22it
56:22oh
56:22good
56:23but
56:25until
56:25Trump
56:26reboards
56:26that
56:26plane
56:27to
56:27Moscow
56:28probably
56:28seven
56:29years
56:29from
56:29now
56:30he
56:31will
56:31continue
56:31to
56:32over
56:32whine
56:33their
56:34stem
56:34give
56:38Trump
56:38this
56:38I
56:39think
56:39his
56:39outer
56:39voice
56:40as
56:40crazy
56:41as
56:41it
56:41is
56:41is
56:41an
56:42accurate
56:42depiction
56:42of
56:43his
56:43inner
56:43voice
56:43and
56:44I
56:46don't
56:46think
56:46Hillary's
56:47inner
56:47voice
56:47and
56:47outer
56:47voice
56:48have
56:48ever
56:48even
56:48had
56:48a
56:49cup
56:49of
56:49coffee
56:49together
56:50thank
56:51you
56:51good night
56:52everybody
56:52bye bye
56:53hashtag
57:02blessed
57:23shout
57:42o
57:43a
57:48a
57:48a
57:49a
57:49a
57:50a
57:50a
57:50a
57:52a
57:53You
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