- 4/30/2025
Murphy Brown Season 8 Episode 4 Murphy's Law
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TVTranscript
00:00But each time that we are together, I'm so afraid I'll be using my head.
00:08Stop in the name of love, give me for you, pray that my heart.
00:17Stop in the name of love, give me for you, pray that my heart.
00:28Hey, it was a reflex.
00:30Reflex? You threw yourself at that cop's feet and offered to testify against me in exchange for immunity.
00:36There you are. You were supposed to be back in the Pentagon hours ago. What happened?
00:39What happened? I'll tell you what happened.
00:41Murphy got us involved in a police chase. That's what happened.
00:44It wasn't a police chase.
00:46Sirens were blaring, lights were flashing, the motorcycle cop who was driving beside us was doing this.
00:51For half a mile. Oh yeah, it was a police chase.
00:53It was just a ticket.
00:55Oh, Murphy.
00:56Hey, there's another one.
00:57Hey, this one I definitely did not deserve and I intend to fight it.
01:01As I patiently explained to Officer Dimwit that no right turn sign was totally ambiguous.
01:07And you'd have to be a goose-stepping, donut-munching moron not to realize that.
01:12But to think he wrote you up anyway.
01:16It was really very simple.
01:18You know the corner of First and Magnolia?
01:20Okay.
01:20Well, let's say Frank's friend is my car, and Jim, here, Marcos, I've already had an email.
01:26I was coming this way in this lane, but there was already somebody in that lane, so I went around to this other lane.
01:33Now, even though the sign said you couldn't turn from that lane, technically I wasn't in that lane, but I was in the other lane, which wasn't the one you couldn't turn from.
01:41Unless, of course, you were turning from that lane to begin with.
01:43You see, it's very simple.
01:46Save your breath, Murph.
01:48Look, you're a celebrity.
01:49All you have to do is make one phone call, a ticket goes bye-bye.
01:53Oh, no.
01:53I'm going to beat this ticket because I'm right.
01:55My being a celebrity doesn't have anything to do with it.
01:58Murphy, being a celebrity always has something to do with it.
02:02Remembering the night Planet Hollywood opened, how crowded it was?
02:05All I had to do was show my face, and I got right in.
02:09Sure, it felt bad, but it was snowing, and there was this huge line that must have been five blocks long.
02:14Can you imagine?
02:15It was 11 blocks, and yes, I can.
02:20And you know that really popular restaurant, Cafe Milano?
02:23Last night, I called them at 7, told them who I was.
02:26My tie was hanging in their zesty pudinesca sauce by 8.
02:30I tried to take my Nana's silver bird to Cafe Milano for her 80th birthday.
02:34They laughed, said I should have made reservations further in advance.
02:37Now all my Nana has to do is live to 112.
02:41I must confess that I, too, have used my fame on occasion.
02:45Just the other day, a starry-eyed checkout clerk recognized me,
02:48and I wound up with three cans of albacore tuna at last week's sale price.
02:53I told Doris I paid full price, of course, and pocketed the cash.
02:59I once tried to use a coupon that was two days past its expiration date.
03:03The bag boy chased me out of the store and broke my eggs.
03:07Look, I admit celebrities occasionally get preferential treat,
03:10but I myself have taken advantage of that once or twice.
03:13Once or twice?
03:14You're the only person I've ever met who can say,
03:16do you know who I am in 17 different languages?
03:20Whatever.
03:21The point is, I'm right.
03:22The judge is going to see that,
03:23and my being a celebrity is irrelevant and immaterial.
03:26Ooh, I think I really have a knack for this legal stuff.
03:31Hello, Captain Milano.
03:33I'd like to make a reservation for next week.
03:36The name is Pitt.
03:37Brad Pitt.
03:38You still don't see why you need me for this.
03:51Miles, you're my witness.
03:52You just have to tell the judge exactly everything you saw.
03:55What I saw?
03:56I saw my whole life pass before my eyes.
03:58And that includes a time in the third grade
04:02when I took my pet hamster Squeaky in for show and tell,
04:05and he was eaten by the school snake.
04:09For the next six hours,
04:10I had to watch the lump that was my best friend
04:12work its way down to the table.
04:16You relax.
04:17I probably won't even have to call on you.
04:19Look, I had the art department make up this diagram.
04:22Good, huh?
04:23There's the intersection.
04:24There we are.
04:25And look, if you look closely,
04:26you can practically see your little tiny fingernails
04:29holding on to the dashboard.
04:32Guilty.
04:33Fifty dollar fine.
04:34Pay the bailiff.
04:36The next case is...
04:39Is this right?
04:41Of Murphy Brown?
04:45Right here, Your Honor.
04:46Watch and learn.
04:48Well, well.
04:50It really is you.
04:52Murphy Brown.
04:54In my courtroom.
04:56Just wait till I tell that old windbag,
04:58Judge Carter, down in Division III.
05:00He thinks he's so great because he had Marion Barry.
05:04Thank you, Your Honor, buddy.
05:05You know, the wife and I watch you all the time.
05:09She just loves to see you nail all those corrupt politicians.
05:13And I like to count how many faces I recognize from law school.
05:16Well, now then, it says here that you're accused of making an illegal turn in a posted intersection.
05:26Now, how do you wish to plead?
05:28100% not guilty, Your Honor.
05:30So, you're saying you didn't make this illegal turn?
05:35Is that correct?
05:36No.
05:36Actually, I did make the turn.
05:38What I'm saying is it wasn't illegal.
05:40Do you know the corner at first in Magnolia?
05:43Well, you see,
05:44I was in the left lane turning into the right lane.
05:48And even though the sign says you couldn't turn from that lane, technically, I wasn't in that lane.
05:52I was in the other lane, which wasn't the lane you couldn't turn right from.
05:55Unless, of course, you started in that lane to begin with, which I wasn't in.
05:58I have a little chart.
05:59But that, that, that, that won't be necessary, Miss Brown.
06:02I think I understand well enough.
06:04I knew you would, Your Honor.
06:06Guilty.
06:07Well, you did say you made the turn.
06:12But, uh, given the circumstances, I'll suspend your sentence.
06:16See the bailiff on your way out?
06:18Wait a minute.
06:19Did, did, did you say guilty?
06:20Because I am definitely not guilty.
06:23You see, you didn't get a chance to look at my little chart, because if you had, you would realize that...
06:27Miss Brown, maybe you didn't understand.
06:30I'm letting you off without a fine.
06:33Some people think that's a good thing.
06:37You know what?
06:38I, I have a witness, Miles Silverberg.
06:41He saw everything, and he's very reliable.
06:43He went to Harvard back when that meant something.
06:47Miles, get up here.
06:49Okay.
06:49Sit down, Mr. Silverberg.
06:51Okay.
06:53Uh, Miss Brown, I don't know why we're still talking about this.
06:57I found you guilty with a suspended sentence.
07:00But couldn't I be not guilty with a suspended sentence?
07:04Miss Brown, would you approach the bench, please?
07:07Um, look, I'm trying to help you out here.
07:12Believe me, if it was anybody but you, I wouldn't be going so easy on you.
07:16I don't want you to go easy on me.
07:18I just want a fair and just decision.
07:20And since I was there and you weren't...
07:22Miss Brown, the case is closed.
07:24Murphy, he closed the case.
07:25I think we should go now.
07:26Oh, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.
07:27I see what this is about.
07:29You think that just because I'm famous, I don't care about things like truth and justice
07:35and, yes, the American way.
07:38Well, let me tell you something, Judge.
07:40You can take your favors and your special treatment and...
07:44Miss Brown, this is starting to sound like contempt.
07:46Oh, she sounds that way with everyone.
07:48It's filthy personal, sir.
07:49Let's go.
07:49Oh, no, oh, no.
07:51I'm not going anywhere until Judge...
07:53Ooh, I'm so important, I'm in traffic court here.
07:55Starts dispensing justice and changes his ruling.
07:58All right, you want me to change my ruling, I'll change my ruling.
08:01Finally.
08:03Guilty.
08:04Contempt.
08:05No suspended sentence.
08:06$500 fine and 20 hours of community service.
08:11No, you misunderstood.
08:13I need to change the ruling another way.
08:19Okay.
08:2140 hours of community service.
08:23Would you care to go for 50?
08:26No, she wouldn't.
08:27Let's go.
08:27No, no, no, you can't do that.
08:29He can't do that.
08:29Can he do that?
08:30He can do that.
08:32Let me tell you something, pal.
08:34You can kiss your dreams of small claims court goodbye.
08:40For every parent.
08:43I wonder if...
08:45Murphy Brown.
08:46It's Murphy Brown.
08:47Oh, this is so exciting.
08:49I think it's just wonderful that a big celebrity like you would volunteer at our little senior
08:55center.
08:56Oh, well, it's nothing, really.
08:57I mean, what kind of world would this be if we didn't give a little something back to
09:01our community once in a while?
09:03I heard she had to run in with the law.
09:06Kill the man in the sleep, the poor bastard.
09:08It was a traffic ticket, okay?
09:13It was a ticket, and one which I did not deserve.
09:16Do you know the corner of First and Magnolia?
09:20I am a mislead.
09:21Turning in...
09:22Now, now, people.
09:24I'm sure Ms. Brown didn't come here to be pestered with our questions.
09:27Hi, I'm Marlene Howard, volunteer coordinator.
09:30Hi, I'm Murphy Brown.
09:31I know!
09:32I couldn't believe it when I heard you were going to be volunteering with us.
09:38Volunteering, Seth!
09:40No, actually, I'm not exactly volunteering.
09:43Oh, I know.
09:44I heard all about your legal problems, but trust me, not all celebrities would be as
09:49responsible as you.
09:51At least you bothered to show up, which, from what I hear, is more than can be said for a
09:55certain smart-mouthed former member of the Partridge family.
09:58Anyway, there's no reason why this has to be a difficult time for you.
10:03Why don't we just sit you in front of the TV and put you in charge of channel changing?
10:09Really?
10:09Is that a job around here?
10:10Well, not usually, but you are Murphy Brown.
10:14Oh, well, let me stuff you right there, Ms. Howard.
10:16I mean, just because I'm a celebrity doesn't mean I deserve special treatment.
10:20I would just like you to treat me like everybody else, being unreasonably persecuted by a vicious
10:26and ignorant judicial system.
10:28That sounds awful.
10:30Well, yeah, what can I say?
10:31Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
10:33Ooh, modeling clay.
10:36Yes, we have quite a few accomplished artists here.
10:39You know, I used to be pretty good at this stuff myself.
10:42I spent six months working on that.
10:45It's for my grandson.
10:49Oh, I'm sorry.
10:50Um, well, look, maybe I can just...
10:53There, I fixed it.
11:03So, what's next?
11:05I was just about to lead our sing-along.
11:07I don't suppose you'd be interested.
11:08Oh, well, I'm not one to brag, but, uh, I have been told I have a pretty decent singing voice.
11:17Really?
11:18All right, then.
11:19Attention, everyone.
11:21Our new helper, Murphy Brown, is going to lead our sing-along today.
11:26Murphy!
11:28All right.
11:29What, you have a question?
11:30How long does it take to kill a man with your bare hands?
11:35Want to find out?
11:38Okay, everybody gather round.
11:41Now, our song for today is...
11:44Bicycle Built for Two.
11:46Gee, can't get enough of that one.
11:48Um, you know what?
11:50I think we need something livelier, something more upbeat, something from this century.
11:58Let's see.
12:00The Beast, Pocahontas.
12:03This one is my son's favorite.
12:05It's a tape of Phil Graham explaining how he's going to balance the budget.
12:10Avery just loves fairy tales.
12:15Here we go.
12:17You all know respect, don't you?
12:20I know we don't get any from our kids, am I right?
12:23What?
12:24What?
12:25Okay, I tell you what.
12:27Why don't I sing the words, and when I point to you, you do the...
12:33Like this.
12:34Ooh.
12:36All right, that's close enough.
12:38All right, everybody ready?
12:40Okay.
12:40What you want.
12:52Ooh.
12:53Baby, I got it.
12:54Ooh.
12:55What you need.
12:57Ooh.
12:58You know I got it.
12:59Ooh.
13:00Ooh.
13:00All right, I can do.
13:02Ooh.
13:02Ooh.
13:02All right, let me respect.
13:04Just a little bit.
13:05Yeah.
13:06Baby, just a little bit.
13:07What you're doing is just great, Murphy, but I advise against getting the seniors too excited.
13:21See, we still haven't fully recovered from our mall-walking competition against the Arlington
13:26Home for the Aging.
13:27There's anything I can do to help.
13:29What's next?
13:30Well, I was just about to go over the list with our volunteers.
13:32Let's see.
13:35It's almost exercise time.
13:36Someone needs to set up the shuffleboard.
13:38Oh, I'll do that.
13:39Oh, no, that's okay.
13:40I'll do that.
13:41Somebody like you shouldn't have to log around all that heavy equipment.
13:45And then after exercise, it'll be time to eat.
13:48Who wants to serve lunch today?
13:49I can do that.
13:50Oh, don't be silly.
13:51We'll do it.
13:52Sometimes they get a little opinionated about the food, and they like to make their feelings
13:56known.
13:57It's pudding day.
13:58Look, I know everyone's trying to make things easier for me because I'm a celebrity, but
14:06really, I don't need it.
14:07So, I just want to be treated like everybody else.
14:09So, I'll just do whatever's next on the list.
14:12Well, that would be the whirlpool bath.
14:19What is that, some sort of lifeguard duty, handing out towels sort of thing?
14:23Actually, it's more of an upkeep thing.
14:26You sure you want to do it?
14:27Yeah.
14:28Okay, then, let's see.
14:30Um, you'll need this brush and these gloves.
14:36Oh, and you'll need this.
14:39We call it the hair stick.
14:43Because we get a lot of hair in the drain.
14:46Which is strange, because to look at them, they don't seem to have that much of it.
14:53So, I guess you're all set.
14:54Any questions?
14:55Um, yeah.
14:57Is that, um, channel-changing thing still available?
15:03There she is, our little angel.
15:12Okay, that's enough.
15:13Murphy, I am so proud of you.
15:15You finally got to experience the true joy in giving freely of yourself, even if it did take a court order to get you to do it.
15:22So, come on, Murm, tell us about this community service.
15:26What kind of stuff they have you doing?
15:28What kind of stuff?
15:29Um, well, I guess you could say I was sort of the program director.
15:33Well, well, well, look who's back.
15:39Our little Mother Teresa in training.
15:42Yes, Mauser, if you don't mind, I'd really like to put all this community service stuff behind me now.
15:47Unless you've done it yourself, you really have no idea what it's like.
15:49Oh, I think I do.
15:51A very good idea.
15:53Join me in your office, won't you?
15:55Come, come.
16:02This story came out a few hours ago.
16:07It's already been picked up by every major wire service.
16:11Well-known FYI anchor Murphy Brown,
16:14sentenced recently to community service at a local senior center for a criminal violation,
16:20reportedly demanded and received preferential treatment.
16:23I don't believe this.
16:27Sources at the senior center said they were putting on the token for forcipes,
16:32failed to perform even those minimal duties.
16:36Hey, all I'm saying is, is I didn't see her do much actual work, you know what I'm saying?
16:41Who was that guy?
16:42Who the hell was he?
16:43I could have saw him there.
16:46All she had to do was, like, sit on the couch and work the channel changer on the TV.
16:50I don't even think she did that much.
16:52Because, I mean, I won't fire a bunch of times, and, well, for a bony lady, she got a really wicked snort.
17:04Turn that thing off.
17:05This is big, Murphy, and getting bigger.
17:09The Post called asking for a statement.
17:12Nightline wants you on a panel with Dana Plato and Hugh Grant.
17:14And word is, Letterman already has seven of a top ten list about you.
17:23And they're all funny.
17:25Well, this really stinks.
17:31First, I don't give in to my celebrity status, and I get screwed, and then I give in to it, and I still get screwed.
17:36Well, the bottom line is, I did my time.
17:39All 40 hours of it.
17:41And if you don't believe me, smell my hair.
17:43Ben Gay, it gets into everything.
17:45Come on, Murph.
17:48Now, anyone can see that that story was blown way out of proportion.
17:51I'm sure what you did was much tougher than he made it sound.
17:55So, do you want me to get you some ice for your clicking fingers?
17:59Maybe, maybe you can come by the house this evening and help Doris and me use our electric garage door open.
18:05I'm glad you're all enjoying this.
18:08Unfortunately, a certain judge didn't find it quite so amusing.
18:12He wants you back in his courtroom as soon as possible to answer what he calls these serious charges.
18:17You've got to be kidding.
18:18Had to think, you could have gotten off with just a suspended sentence.
18:22Really, Murph, if you keep this up, you could wind up getting the chair.
18:26If only.
18:29But the network doesn't want this to turn into a bigger publicity problem than it already has, so they've assigned you legal counsel.
18:35Don't worry, Miles, that won't be necessary. I've learned my lesson.
18:39My brilliant argument, that stupid little chart.
18:42Oh, no, this time I'm going to do things very differently.
18:46Glad to hear it.
18:46I mean, photographs, and maybe some kind of overhead projector, and a pointer.
18:52Yeah, I mean, a pointer.
18:54Murphy, no photographs, no projector, no nothing.
18:58You are just going to sit there quietly and let your legal counsel handle everything.
19:03Understood?
19:05Yes.
19:06But I still get to use the pointer, right?
19:08No!
19:10Okay.
19:10But doesn't that sort of defeat the whole purpose of the overhead projector?
19:18No.
19:19No comment!
19:20Sorry, no!
19:21Sorry, no!
19:22Wait, hold on a second here.
19:23You guys want to comment?
19:24Here's your comment.
19:26You can all go take a flank.
19:27We had a deal.
19:32No talking.
19:32No talking means no talking.
19:34It also means no shouting, no swearing, and no spitting at Deborah Norville on the way into the courtroom.
19:39I had gum.
19:40The gum had to go somewhere.
19:42Ah, Miss Brown, welcome.
19:46On behalf of your whole legal team, I just want to say what a pleasure it is to represent you here today.
19:50Team?
19:51I have a team?
19:52The best your network's money can buy.
19:54Anyway, we'll get started soon, Miss Brown, and we're right through here.
19:59Hi, Miss Brown.
20:01I'm sure that this can't be easy for you.
20:03We all know how stressful these things can be, especially with all this damn media attention.
20:12And believe me, we're as annoyed by all of this as you.
20:15But we've got everything under control, so I just want you to take a seat, leave everything to us.
20:20Oh, look, I know you guys have this all figured out, and I don't want to tell you how to do your jobs,
20:25but if this ever gets back to my ticket, I have a chart out in my car.
20:29And you're all agreed, right?
20:30We opened up the First Amendment issue.
20:32She's a journalist.
20:33Freedom of the press.
20:34Chilling effect on the media.
20:35Blah, blah, blah.
20:36There's a First Amendment issue?
20:38No, I think we should get right to our attack.
20:39We show that the guy who pulled her over is nothing but a rogue cop on the tape.
20:45By the time we get through with him, the only tickets he'll be handing out will be the super lotto at the 7-Elema.
20:51Wait a minute, he was kind of a moron, but isn't rogue cop a little bit?
20:55No, no, no.
20:55I still say the taking on that kid, Jimmy, from the senior center, that's our key.
20:59I mean, even if he testifies that he saw Murphy slacking off,
21:02we got a dozen people that'll swear that he's a car thief and a pot smoking.
21:05And with him, of course, there's the whole race issue.
21:10What race issue?
21:11He's white.
21:13Exactly.
21:16Wait, wait a minute here.
21:18I don't know about all this.
21:19I mean, the truth is, maybe I did slack off.
21:22Did you hear anything?
21:23Oh, not me.
21:24Nothing.
21:25I'm being guilty.
21:27All I'm saying is that I didn't really offer...
21:29No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
21:59Your Honor, this case is about nothing less than the vicious slander of a national treasure, Murphy Brown.
22:05This is a woman with an unparalleled reputation.
22:08It's a woman that Edward R. Murrow called, and I quote,
22:11the quintessence of journalistic integrity.
22:15Edward R. Murrow, he died when I was in high school.
22:18Well, then he can't deny it, can he?
22:22A woman who dozens of witnesses will show, Your Honor,
22:25is merely the innocent victim of a vast conspiracy to deal a body blow to the First Amendment.
22:32Conspiracy? Body blow?
22:34I know. He's good.
22:37A woman who has come before you today, Your Honor,
22:40to answer charges by individuals who may appear on the surface to be decent, law-abiding citizens,
22:46but who we will prove are nothing but low-life drug addicts and senile Medicare scam artists.
22:52Oh, jeez, that's it.
22:54Do you have something to say?
22:57Yes, Your Honor. Yes, I do.
22:59What are you doing?
23:01Let's face it, Judge, we wouldn't be here right now if I weren't a celebrity.
23:05The fact is, I am a celebrity, and people treat me differently.
23:10Sometimes it means I get to board an airplane early or get great tickets to the theater,
23:15but it also means I can't walk into a drugstore without people saying,
23:19oh, look, isn't that Murphy Brown buying pantyhose with extra tummy control?
23:23Hypothetically speaking.
23:25There is a point to all this, isn't there, Ms. Brown?
23:29Yes, Your Honor. Yes, there is.
23:30What do you say we forget about the celebrity and the fancy lawyers and all the media attention
23:37and treat this as if it were just any other case?
23:40I am ready to accept justice, Your Honor.
23:43Whatever your ruling, I will submit to it.
23:46Now, if memory serves me correctly, we were talking about a suspended sentence of some sort?
23:55Darcy, so you're saying you want to be treated just like anybody else in this situation?
24:02Yes, Your Honor. Yes, I am.
24:06It's incredibly simple.
24:08I know you're right.
24:11Okay, let's say my car is this potato chip right here,
24:15and the other guy's car is this shoe.
24:19And here, this guy is in front of me.
24:22Woo!
24:22Woo!
24:22Woo!
24:23Woo!
24:23Woo!
24:24Woo!
24:24Woo!
24:25Woo!
24:25Woo!
24:26Woo!
24:27Woo!
24:28Woo!
24:29Woo!
24:30Woo!
24:31Woo!
24:32Woo!
24:33Woo!
24:34Woo!
24:35Woo!
24:36Woo!
24:37Woo!
24:38Woo!
24:39Woo!
24:40Woo!
24:40Woo!
24:40Woo!
24:41Woo!
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